The Mazarin Stone - Part One

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When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter jug.

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Oh, hi.

Didn't see you guys there.

Come on in.

Help yourself to a nice cool glass of podcast juice.

This is the adventure of the Mazarin Stone.

100% juice with no bits.

Slurp that down.

I've got so lost in this metaphor, I've actually forgotten what happens in this adventure.

So, all your warnings and stuff will be in the episode description.

Bottoms up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that tea is hot.

Oh, tea is really hot.

Prime loaders for approach.

Get me comms with with the Hydrexis perimeter guard.

Priming loaders and initiating comms, Commander.

The starship Darmantius will be cleared for entry in no time.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

It's time to exit deep space, old friend.

Few could have seen us through it, Commander.

You're going home, Lieutenant.

Ongethu Murnauk Gongbluk Sasa.

What on Meta 2 does that mean?

My people say it only when they feel profound gratefulness, Commander.

It means, kill me, cook me, and eat my soul for it is ripened.

Okay, yeah, that's kind of

warning impact.

God damn it!

Warning, impact.

Shield damage at 80%.

Our shields hold yet, Commander.

Shield damage at 80%?

Does that mean 80% damage or 20% damage with 80% remaining?

Shield damage at 50%.

Never mind.

Commander, where are you going?

You got precious cargo aboard this starship, Lieutenant.

Commander!

Where's my son?

Have you seen my son?

What is happening, Commander?

They're here.

They're here.

Who?

Who are you?

Please, sir.

Derek!

Please!

Derek, where are you, my boy?

Porter!

Lord, Commander!

The ship has sustained attacks!

My analysis of the laser sound wave and impact would suggest it is a Drogian fleet.

I know, Porter.

I know, goddammit.

Reprogram yourself to warden mode.

I only have a protector mode, Captain.

Protector mode, then.

Reprogramming commenced.

Oh, there you are.

Father, what's going on?

You're coming with me.

In fact, both of you are coming with me.

This is kind of dark down here.

We're in the undership, Derek.

But we have to go.

The ship is under attack.

No, Derek, you have to go.

Porter, open Star Vessel Cabin 78.

Opening Star Vessel Cabin 78.

What are you?

What are you talking about?

In there.

Oh, Father.

No, Barton.

No!

Sorry, buddy.

Get off me.

What do I always say?

I want to stay and fight.

Please, Father, die.

The ship carries precious cargo.

I've got precious cargo.

Stop saying that.

I'm a fighter.

I'm a man.

I wasn't talking about

goodbye, Sonic.

No,

Father,

Father, what were you talking about?

What were you talking about, Dad?

The Mazarin

stone.

My name is Dr.

John Watson, once of the British Army Northumberland Fusilier Regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London.

I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know.

Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock and Co.

John speaking.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, cool.

And you've sent an email?

You won't believe this.

Oh, she's just come in.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm busy.

Uh, no, she hasn't just come in, actually.

She's still not here.

I must have just seen someone that, um

Yeah, yeah, her doppelganger.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll go over the email and let you know.

Yeah, all right, cheers.

Bye, bye, bye.

You will not believe this.

Welcome to 221A, our office that opens at 9.30am and that you pride yourself on being the face of.

Yeah, I had to go out.

To where?

So I've been answering answering phones here.

I've been replying to emails.

I've been doodling.

Look at that.

Me as a cowboy.

Me as a transformer.

That's Sherlock on a bike.

That's my ideal all-time England team.

Guess where I was?

Ah, Tesco?

Nope.

Madame Toussaud's.

Oh, you had to go to Madame Toussauds.

You just had to go and hang out in a waxwork museum, did you?

Well, in that case, I have to go to the pub.

Firstly, you're going away this weekend, Tosh.

Secondly, I went there because a friend of mine said you're there.

Sorry, what?

You are there.

So is Sherlock.

Sherlock

and I.

Mm-hmm.

Are there.

Yep.

At Madame to Swords.

Yes.

I.

What?

Welcome to Madame to Swords, London.

Where fame comes to life.

Good God.

Don't you?

Am I finished?

finished?

Is that

that's the finished waxwork of me, right?

That's what we're saying.

That's not a work in progress.

Of course.

This is the exhibition.

The siege of Madame Toussaud's.

That's you, that's Sherlock, and that's Hector McFarlane with the gun.

See?

They commemorated it.

So there's no way that is meant to be me.

Why not?

John, don't touch it.

Watson, you're breaking the rules of the establishment.

I'm just looking at this tag on it.

What?

What is it?

On this clothing tag, it has J.

Corden crossed out, and then it just says Jay Watson.

Okay,

so.

Sherlock, I've been repurposed from James Corden.

Is that a problem?

Yes, look at yours, it's perfect.

Hmm, it's a little shoddy in places.

Where?

Exactly?

Fingernails.

Yeah.

Oh, for God's sake.

I'm a recycled Cordon, and you're over here complaining that your fingernails are shoddy.

God's sake.

I'm not quite sure they're allowed to do this.

Without my permission.

Wait, what?

Of course they are.

How so?

Because it.

I mean, this is what they they do.

I have image rights, do I not?

Yes, but uh, do you not want the exposure?

I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

You do.

Yes, because it would help the company.

It would hinder the company.

What are you doing?

Just shhh, checking something.

John, John, are you pulling his pants down?

No, I'm looking up his shirt.

John, can you please get off the ground?

Very intimate.

Everything all right?

Yes, he's a big fan.

Looks like it.

Jesus.

I feel we should photograph this precious moment.

Of John molesting a waxwork of himself.

Right, okay, this is an improvement.

I think they've shaved a layer or two of weight off the cordon ones, so okay.

Yeah, it's a little more flattering, I suppose.

The waxwork's trousers have fallen down.

This is such.

I mean, they've just...

They've done the switcheroo.

The what?

The switcheroo.

Oldest trick in the book.

From cordon to me.

It's just...

It's insulting.

Not because, you know, our body types are different, but we're two people, individuals, with dignity.

Excuse me, sir.

Well, what are you doing?

Uh, yeah, no, I'm not, I wasn't like uh looking for genitals.

Good, because none of the figurines have them.

Can I see your tickets, please?

No, it.

Sorry, I'm not a weirdo.

This is actually me.

I'm interfering with a wax work of myself.

So, you know, wax work, Watson.

Could we, um...

Could we maybe just get a little bit more wax for the arms and shoulders, just bulk them out a little, maybe?

What happened to the stomach bits you had from the cordon one?

We could repurpose those.

Oh, god,

I regret telling you.

I don't need to hear your thoughts on the matter.

I just need your assistance.

You stole your own watchwork.

Robson, she's gaslighting me again.

I am not gaslighting you.

Mariana, he is asserting his image rights and reclaiming the watchwork.

They agreed with that.

Come on in here.

Don't worry, Arch.

Just a statue of him.

He's not frozen in.

What's that stuff that Han Solo's frozen in there?

The aluminium stuff.

What the hell are you talking about?

It's carbonite.

Yeah, that's the one.

Right, where do you want yourself?

By the window.

If we get another heat wave, we'll move me to the kitchen.

Can we move you to the sink and see if this one can wash the dishes?

Put me down right

here.

Ah, man, you're heavy.

Wow.

Oh, a weighted plinth.

I could dispose of that.

He looks right at home.

Oh, it's okay, Archie.

Oh, you know, it's a good wax work when even Archie is confused.

Yeah, well, Archie is confused by his own face in his water bowl.

No, he's not.

He's just being reflective.

It's his age.

He's having deep thoughts about life.

What is he doing?

Trying to eat that fly.

It's alright, Arch.

You're not gonna get it, mate.

Okay, great.

You got it.

Oi, good job, Archie.

Oh, man.

It's one o'clock.

Oh, oh, you better go.

Too bloody right.

Okay, Archie boy.

See you soon.

Sherls, let's do this.

Do what?

Sorry?

What are we doing?

Are you serious?

Very much so.

Right, that's it.

I'm going with him.

I'm going with Waxwork Sherlock.

Watson.

This guy is now my favorite detector.

Put me down.

Nope.

Come on, mate.

At least this one looks vaguely interested in what you're saying.

God, he's heavy.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, come on, come on, come on, come on, please.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Don't do this.

Shit.

Hey!

It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay.

It's me.

It's me.

Jeez.

Ah, man.

What is it?

Fucking everywhere.

We're surrounded.

I'm so sorry, Billy.

I've messed this up.

I've messed this up bad.

I don't have the ammo for this.

You haven't messed this up.

I have, mate.

I have.

Hey, hey, look at me.

However this ends, we're heroes, right?

Down to the last.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Reload.

Full round.

Gonna need it.

We make a breakout from here.

Under cover of smoke.

We head for the perimeter we saw from before.

Close off the flanks.

Exactly.

Fight them on one single front.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Go.

Smoke, smoke, smoke.

Move, move.

Don't look back, Billy.

I'm taking fire.

Stay focused, covering fire.

We're everywhere.

Billy, just stay with me.

I don't think we can.

No!

Billy!

Billy!

Oh my god no

it's uh it's just

it's just you now

we we we clean this up come on come on

it's uh

oh god it's everywhere it's just

it's red everywhere it's helpful

go

please

reach the perimeter

give them hell shh shh shh shh

gun

use both of them.

Okay.

Okay.

I can hear them.

Look.

They're coming.

It's time.

It's time.

They're here.

Lock and load.

Ow, shit, stammo.

Oh, well, you're cheating, mate.

What are you on about?

I'm outnumbered.

Five to one.

Six.

Ow!

Sherlock, the game is finished.

Yeah, it's only finished because you cheated.

How did I cheat?

Because you're using two guns, dickhead.

So uh, because you shot Billy in the neck.

No, I didn't.

Uh, I did.

Darcy.

Oh, forg- I'm gonna tell the paintball rest.

Stamo, honestly, babe.

No, I'm serious, John.

You're cheating.

You are cheating.

Oh, don't you stop.

Ow, Watson.

John, ow!

Jesus!

Someone hit me again!

Yeah, that was me.

Stop!

Everyone, just stop!

Ow!

That's enough!

Yes!

What do you say?

Stamo.

What is the difference?

For God's sake, John.

The difference is you had two guns, didn't you?

Yeah, and?

You dove through the air, firing two guns at the same time.

That's cheating.

How?

Sam?

Yeah.

How many guns did you have?

One.

Lucas?

One.

Sherlock?

One.

Right, okay, enough.

Right, okay, look.

I momentarily had two guns, okay?

Momentarily, because Billy got shot, didn't you, Billy?

In the neck.

Yeah.

Look.

Bruise.

Yeah, we've seen it four times now, mate.

And I was outnumbered.

I needed to avenge him.

Perhaps you could cover Billy's admission fee for the paintball, thus entitling you to his gun, and this problem will be swiftly annulled.

Do you know what, Sherlock?

That is a good point.

That'll be 55 quid, please, John.

I think Billy bought the big ammo pack too, as well, so let's call it 70 quid, shall we?

Eh?

No, you're all right.

That was the real battle, right there, wasn't it?

Well, right, now who's cheating?

Boys, lads, gents, all of the above, on behalf of the best man, where are you, Cantikants?

Here.

There he is.

It is time to toast our stag.

He ducked out with the paintball punishment.

Ducked out, coming.

But he can't duck out of this.

I know he's an old stag, a geriatric stag, but he can still down a pint.

Let's have your stamo to stammo.

Come on, boys.

Don't ask me, mate.

I haven't been to a club since my 20s.

I don't think.

I don't know.

I don't remember, ironically.

Three students, maybe, but then that was just me deluding myself that I was in my 20s.

Should I buy him a shot of something?

Of course, yeah.

But what does a stag expect to have as a shot?

In terms of palate, would he prefer the vodkas and gins, or would it be more whiskey?

Sherlock, it's not about what the stag wants.

It's a stag do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the idea is, we're showing him such a bad time, it turns into a good time.

Sorry, what?

Just don't get him something he'd expect.

Yeah, this is about his friends having the freedom to wind him up for a day.

So, you know, if if you wanted to wind him up...

Oh, I absolutely do.

Exactly.

So, what would you want to get him?

I will ask the bastard for a concoction.

That's the spirit.

Spirit being the key word there.

Cheers.

Cheers, Shells.

Hi, John.

Hey, Katz, how you doing, mate?

Yeah, good, John.

Yeah, just looking after this one.

Oh, hello.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Feeling rough.

Need the fresh air, having

no, you can blame us, but.

No, no, no, that's my own fault, isn't it?

I was just overexcited.

Yeah, of course.

I thought I'd check in with Nadia as well, you know?

Oh, yeah.

Is she how's she?

She's not hammered in some grotty club too, is she?

No, no, no.

She's at a uh

spa retreat near Chalner.

Right, sounds boring.

It's a bit more relaxing than it.

Come on, mate, I know you.

Kants knows you.

We know where you'd rather be.

Well, I did suggest camping,

didn't I?

Or or glamping, technically, I suppose.

See, proper pulp is our cunt.

Yeah, it'd be easy, future brother-in-law.

He's got to be nice to you, haven't you, Captain?

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose I do.

I mean, I'm not even in medicine anymore, unlike Lucas and Sam, so I don't even have to suck up to you like they do.

Yeah, but you wouldn't have your business if it wasn't for me.

Would you?

Oh, what?

Because you introduced us.

Well, I dismiss it.

It's true.

Did Mark introduce you to Sherlock, did he?

He did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he's informed me of that every day since.

Oh, speak of the well-dressed paintball playing devil.

Good evening.

I have a drink for the stag.

Haha, lovely.

He is right here.

Fuck you, Matt.

What have you got here?

The bar staff referred to it as a tape worm.

It's vodka.

Oh.

Okay.

Mayonnaise and hot sauce.

Right.

Enjoy.

I have one too.

I feel these things are best done in solidarity.

Always, the honourable man.

Cheers, Shellot.

Cheers.

Actually, a rather interesting mix.

What do you think, Stamford?

Stamo?

Want me to hold your hair back?

No.

What's left of it, anyway?

Shut up.

I can rub your back.

No.

No.

God.

Oh, there you are.

How many times have we done this?

Yep.

Since when...

When did we start?

What?

2008?

Something like that?

God, yeah.

Body's getting old though now, ain't it?

Probably can't be chucking

tapeworms down it.

Well, you do make people younger for a little.

Well, so they think.

Please for you, B.

Thanks, Paul.

And

thanks again for coming.

I know crime doesn't take a day off, huh?

Well, yeah, we asked nicely that it did so.

Marriage, eh?

Marriage.

What a guy should be doing in his 30s, I suppose, not running around after murderers and burglars.

No, no, no, I'm not having that.

I'm not having that from the guy who has the coolest job in the world.

Hey.

Hmm.

You're right.

Yeah, just

you know,

get the merry blues a bit when I know.

I know.

I can tell.

Thanks for

this year, you know.

I know it can't be easy.

Sure, nothing's easy with you.

Dick.

Hello, also on the um

on the subject of thanking you, um

thanks for you know filling in the gap where

where Greg can't, you know.

Who can't?

He's great.

Yeah, no, no, no.

Greg Cantelmere is a really, really nice guy, yeah?

And I'm lucky to have him as my brother-in-law.

But soon to be.

Yeah, don't get too excited.

Nadia might get enlightened at that spa and ditch you.

But he

struggles in settings like

this.

You know.

Yeah, no, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Everyone's different, mate.

Makes the world go round.

Exactly, exactly.

Has he, uh,

geeked out in front of you yet?

Uh, no, actually.

He briefly briefly made quite a niche Iron Man reference before Paintball that he had to then explain, but otherwise, no, haven't had the pleasure.

What?

What's he okay?

She

actually dumped you?

No, no.

Then, what is it?

What's back?

Tapeworm.

221A, this is the Sherlock of Office and Co.

Welcome to the Sherlock.

Yeah,

it's nice.

Very office.

Hmm, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna sleep on Mr.

Couch.

This is Mr.

Couch.

Mr.

Couch is...

Couch is vegan.

Vegan Protestant couch.

He's couch.

He's 100%

couch.

Do you

Do you want me to couch?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Mariana, um, I'm um um I'm a dillo sleeps in there.

That room over there is her accommodating, so um, she I sh I should maybe you take my bed upstairs.

Yeah, great.

Uh

we'll do.

I'll see you in the oh

in the morning.

We can go out for another pub crawl.

Yes!

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Shout out.

We'll have a boozy brunch, brunch, go hang out in the park, meet up with Stamo again.

This is a truly excellent idea.

Oh, yeah, I love it.

I'll set my alarm for eight.

Hey, eight, eight, eight o'clock, and we'll keep the party going.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Hey.

Reloading.

Covering fire.

Get up.

No.

No, no, alarm not.

I'm waiting for alarm.

Your alarm went off off five hours ago.

It's the afternoon.

Yeah, really funny, Mariana.

Can you refill my water, please?

Archie, look his face.

No, wait, please, no, no.

Oh, Archie, you are such a traitor.

I'm your owner, the Spock Off fella.

Yeah, thanks, mate.

Thank you.

Lovely.

Please, please, can you go upstairs now?

You smell like Bagabiga Factoria.

Uh, sorry, what?

Bagabiga.

Why do I feel like I'm either still drunk or dreaming?

Bagabiga, it's a brewery.

On Ramon

Good lord.

Like some sort of chemical spill.

Hey, you are just as guilty as I am.

How was it?

Uh

really good.

Actually, really good.

Yeah, we bonded.

We were merry.

We

you know, it's it's amazing to see a friend start in a new chapter of his life,

and how excited he is for him and Nadia to grow together.

First, he grew with his friends.

You don't remember a thing, do you?

Not a thing.

Oh, God, the wedding is in two days.

I need every second of those to recover from this.

I cannot eat or drink another thing, ever, alcohol or otherwise.

I'm just...

I feel complete.

I've overconsumed.

I'm making a tea.

Oh, yes, please.

Sherlock, get the custard creams.

You get them.

I'm ill.

I'm basically dying.

Oh, his best man is nice.

Oh, yeah, Greg Cantlemere.

How'd you meet him?

We had coffee this morning.

Oh, where'd you go?

To the cafe across the road?

Dude, you slept through the whole thing.

Oh,

well, I really was out of it.

What is this?

Hmm?

A note.

I

oh, I don't know.

What does it say?

The Masarin Stone.

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