The Blanched Soldier - Part One

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Hello and welcome to the latest case.

He's put adventure here, but I'll be saying case. This.

I'm Sherlock Holmes and this is The Blanched Soldier. And it will be two parts.

Two parts of adequate length and intrigue. If you are disturbed by

things,

they will be noted in the episode description. Not here.
Goodbye.

Say enjoy.

I say enjoy. You know, like, enjoy, guys.
Catch you in a bit. I don't want them to enjoy it.
I want them to.

Watson! Do it yourself, Holmes. I don't want to.
Oh, and you think I want to, do you? Yes. You think I want to make a podcast and be at the center of it all the time? That's what you think?

That's precisely what I think, yes. You think I want to put out an episode every week, editing every waking hour, just so we can document cases in an accurate but entertaining manner.

Who is using those terms to describe the podcast? Right, done. Enough.
What? You are in charge. I told you.
Yes, and I told you, your new host, ladies and gentlemen.

Hello there.

I am a consulting detective, specializing in complex cases of murder, burglary, and all manner of things that intrigue me.

I don't have much experience in podcasting. So this is mostly a record of,

well,

the activities I just mentioned.

Join me as I take you into the world of me,

Sherlock Holmes.

I just don't think they like me. The listeners?

Yes. They love you.

Archie. Archie.
This way, please. Thank you.

I never wish to downplay good manners, but I feel pleases and thank yous are a little wasted on a bulldog that licks wet paint. He doesn't.
Oh, wait. Archie? No, no, no, no.
Don't do that.

Mariana and I walked through the sweeping green of Regent Park, mulling cases and clients and contacts. Our conversation broken only by the passing of a nearby,

the approach of a confident squirrel in search for any breaded goods. Sherlock? Hmm? Sorry again.

Why exactly are you halting the podcast?

Number of reasons. Would you like them all? Maybe just the key ones.

Principally, I suppose, because notable figures in British society and law enforcement requested that John didn't release a scandal in Bohemia. Mm-hmm, but he did.
Correct.

And I didn't want him to release it either. But that's an internal conflict within the company.
Wait, didn't want him to release it. Why not? Because I felt it was rather dangerous.

I felt that the contents of the podcast, although no one seems to believe them, are still problematic. Is it because you lost? Excuse me? You lost, and she won.
Is that why? No.

You know, when it's suddenly forced upon you, you are not the best liar.

Yes. And you're bad at answering questions.
I asked, why are you hosting the show? Why do you have Mike the Mike? Mike the Mike.

Yes, that's what John and I call him sometimes, but no more distractions.

Why?

Because I criticized John's actions, his over-dramatization of the events, and the recklessness in which the presentation of the case was handled. Okay.
So then what happened?

We argued. Of course.

I

may

have claimed that the show was mine as it had my name on it. Yeah, he hates it when you say that.
Yes, he does. And then he suggested that I.

Well, yes. Host the show.
Mm-hmm. Well, then.

We better find you a client.

Please stand clear of the door.

Where are we headed? You know where we headed. Yes, but the listener doesn't.
They will find out upon our arrival.

What if something happens on the way? You know, what if something deviates?

Because they don't know how that got from the last point to this point, or whether that deviation to the story is even a deviation. Fine.

No, no. Let me do that again.

Hello.

Listeners.

No, too formal, Holmes. Come on.
It's okay. Just

slow down. See? It's not that easy, is it? My dear listeners, hither you sit alongside us.
Hither. Thundering through the tunnels of London.

London. Londinium to its Roman keepers.
Before that, perhaps, Londinos, the Celtic root Lond,

meaning wild, fierce, bold. And boy, has she been so in the two millennia that have since passed.

Under here, in the comfort of her womb, we hear the rumbling warmth of her voice, that rasp of her trains and buses, that cackle of her delivery trucks and burbling of pubs, gyms, cafes, and restaurants.

We rock into slumber as the faint lullaby of her river and her rains trickle, wash, and cleanse her surface.

All the while, our chord to her, that tangled sinew of vitality, fills us with worth, heritage, joy, life, and love.

You may dwell in the Americas, the European mainland. You may reside in the vastness of Asia or Africa or Australasia.

But hither you ride with us, and thither we beckon ourselves toward the case, toward adventure and toward that great waypoint in the landscape of humanity.

Don't want to pick holes. Mm-hmm.
Just say Islington. You know, just say we're going to Islington and describe the area for non-Brits.
That's what I do. Sherlock is doing this his own way, John.

You wanted him to... Right, right, fine.
Do you think if you adopted a style that was more dramatic, you might get some of those ad reads, those sponsors you've wanted for some time. Hey, careful.

Sherlock, how dare you?

Crowds bump and slide past one another, like thriving cultures under a microscope. It is a ticket hall.
Just tap your card. You told me that I needed to enlighten them every step of the way.

Yeah, I know. And it's not like you always do that, John.
Come on. I said to Dennis we would be there at 2.
It's nearly 2.05. Mariana, it is 2.01.
Yes, that's nearly 2.05.

God's sake, well, let's get thither, thither, shall we? Oh, where are you off to today, mate? Oh, just pick me up hither and drop me off thither, please. Cheers, pal.
John, move it.

Hi, Dennis. Mariana.
And you're Sherlock. I am indeed.
This is John. Hi.
Hi, hi.

Love the pod. John is actually taking a week off, so feel free to direct your praise to me.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
Just thought we'd mix things up. Ah, right, okay.
Um, yeah, come in.

This, this is, uh, this is my flat. Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, thank you. And you,

if you don't mind me asking right away,

you were robbed last night, Dennis. Is that right? I was, yeah.

Uh, can I grab you a tea or coffee first? Dennis, the only beverage that will quench my thirst is a cool glass of details with a zesty twist of data. Please, begin.

Yeah, um.

Right. God's sake.
Dennis sits. The armchair almost swallows his tiny frame whole.
The thinning hair clinging to his brow flutters upwards before settling. Those delicate wisps falling.
Sherlock. Hm?

We j there's no need for that kind of narration. My companion fails to hide his envy as the narrative of this adventure bristles in the capable hands of this new host.

Just Dennis stares at me, confused. Sorry, sorry, Dennis.
Anxious. His reddened, flaky skin twinges as his face contorts into bewilderment.

Now frustration. Okay, stop.

No.

We don't think we could turn this project into more of an audio book. No.

Oh.

Why don't you tell us what happened, Dennis?

Okay, well, um, this I should probably just say for the rest of the day. You're gay.
Uh, yeah.

And you had relations with the thief? I did, yes.

You invited him back here. Correct.
How long had you known him?

Um.

I see.

So you meet a gentleman in Zodiac. Uh how did you know that? The smudged stamp, confirming your admittance right there on your hand.
Oh.

Don't worry. They take a few goes to come off.
Fortunately for you, you're out the closet. Describe the gentleman to me.
Ugh, well, uh, he was a bit out of my league.

You will need to narrow that down.

Tall. Um, very tall.
Taller than me? Just about. Continue.
Uh, blonde, blue eyes. He was well-spoken, rather thin, but toned, you know, not like Rake Thin.

We met at the Zodiac, like you said.

We had a good chat. We both collect the same.

thing.

Your missing item? Yes.

Aha, and this is a Pokemon. It's a Pokemon card.
Yeah, not an actual Pokemon, Mariana. Shut up.

He sort of suggested he was a bit of a Trust Fun baby himself, so he put up quite a collection, actually, from an early age. Sounds like a chat-up line to me a card you say one single card correct

first edition shadowless charizard oh nice nice how much are they going for these days uh they can go for as high as uh four hundred and twenty thousand dollars shut the fuck up

sorry that that just came out four hundred and twenty thousand dollars correct

that

I swapped one of those with Kevin Babcom for a Mewtwo and a Dr. Pepperin year, eh? Hmm, smart trade.

You were drunk last night, Dennis. Yes.
On a scale of one to ten? One being sober, three being a strong tipsy buzz, ten being blackout, don't remember a thing. Uh, probably a six.

Hmm, I'm observing the aftermath of something around a 7.5, but I'll forgive you the diffidence. So, sort of low-level shit-faced? Uh, yeah, something like that.
Yeah. And you don't recall much?

I know we came back here. We were.

No, we we had a bottle of wine here on the couch. Mm-hmm.
We didn't finish it. He left? No,

we we did something else.

Oh.

After the

fun and games, did he leave immediately? I fell asleep. And he was gone by the morning? Yes.

How much of the house have you cleaned up? I made the bed.

Tidy the kitchen a bit. One moment.
Uh, yeah.

He's just gonna

make a few observations. Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

He came from work. He did.

How do you know that? Your door frame to the kitchen here could do with the sanding. It's caught a fibre or two from his suit.
Dark grey wool, very fine weave. Bespoke, no doubt, with this quality.

Did you enter through here?

The front door? Yes. Shoes? Shoes came off.

House rules.

And did he rest them here on the mat or on the floorboards? Probably the mat. Um, I don't know.
Let's see. Dennis, you work from home, don't you? I do.
How do you can just tell

his shoes were here?

Why are you on the floor? Sherlock? Please don't sniff the doormat. Ah, was he well-mannered? Yeah, better mannered than sniffing people's doormats, you mean? Was he? He stole something, Sherlock.

He was. I'd say so.
Apart from the stealing. A shoe, much larger than yours, Dennis, was wiped on this mat upon entry, before removal.
They were placed here.

One moment. Oh! Oh, you licked it.
No, no, no, no, that's disgusting. Oh, yes, it is.

It's potassium oxalate. Awful.
Right. Okay.

Off to Canary Wharf, then, I'd say.

Sorry. Why? To catch the perpetrator and retrieve the card.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. How do you know he's there? It wasn't a chat-up line.
What? Sorry? The trust fund.

The economic status of your late-night lover. The wool fibre from his suit is high-end.

It's also saturated in what I thought could be an aftershave, a fragrance, but due to its location of where it's snagged, the fact the man is six foot five, and its bouquet, Iso-E, so more ambient than actually wearable, but also far too many citrusy notes, bergamot, neroli, bitter orange.

Put that into a search and you get Aroma 360. Here's the site for this premium air freshener, boasting its usage in bathrooms of upmarket hotels, spas, and, rather curiously, banks.

Which makes sense, as it's £200 a bottle. Your thief, yes, stole a card worth nearly half a million dollars, but he casually ignored that little neon piece there.
Tracy Emin.

So that's 70 grand, I'd say. Two small Damien Hurst pieces as you come in.
You've got a framed anti-warhole Polaroid of this young woman. Stevie Nicks.
Oh, apologies. Man.

No, no, her name is just Stevie. I see.

And this gentleman? Lindsay. What? That's her bandmate and ex-boyfriend, Lindsay Buckingham.
Stevie is the woman, Lindsay is the man. Yeah.
How enlightening.

In short, Dennis, your date, walks around a marble floor all day, hence the potassium oxalate marble polish and micro-rubber non-slip floor mat particles.

He's well-groomed, well-dressed, and has finely tuned tastes. He didn't use your hand soap, as you'll see by the handle on the cabinet to your collection.
He used his own and left traces of it.

A hand sanitizer with jojobo bead and walnut exfoliating granules.

He then took the card, put on his shoes, scarfed his crocodile leather satchel on the hallway wall, and made off for work at Moretham's Banking Services.

You can see the sheer amount of marble flooring from the street view alone. They're operated by Payout Inc., a stockist of Aroma360.

We don't have his name, but we can see his picture on the page of Moretham's that describes their investor and multi-demand client spec agility. Whatever that means.

Well,

there you go. Yep.

Oh, welcome to Mortham's. I'm looking for a man in finance, trust fund, six foot five, blue eyes.
Oh, it.

Yeah, I see him. Get him, Watson.
Oh, go, go. I come here, giant thieving bastard.

Tell you what, pay off. Get off!

You should have popped home for a change of clothes, or at least to drop off the goods. Aha, Charizard.
I choose you. Oh my god, you got it!

Got it.

Excellent work, Watson. No, no, no, no.
Please, I was just gonna get graded, regraded properly, just to help with a sale for Dennis, that's all. Meow, likely story, dude.

Security, please hold this man until the police. Oh, shit, go.
Case closed. And may I say, what an excellent catch.

I agree. These types usually get away too.
Yeah, but hey, as our friend Ash would say, gotta catch them all.

That's the Pokemon motto. That's what they say in Pokemon.

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Friend Ash would say, gotta catch them all.

That's the Pokemon motto. That's what they say in Pokemon.

I'll cut that bit there. No,

What? I'll remove that part. It's confusing.
It's gotta catch them all. That's what they say on Pokemon.
We just caught a bad guy. People won't know what you're talking about.

Perhaps this is why you are not yet to be sponsored by Better Health or Nord VPN. First of all, it's Better Help, not Better Health.

And, secondly, maybe I don't want a sponsor. Hmm, but you do.
Desperately. God's sake.

Finished. A Sherlock and Co-Adventure by Sherlock himself.

Sherlock? What?

It's 17 minutes long. Yes.
Our adventures are minimum 40 minutes. Says who, exactly? Me.
Well, I was the narrator for this adventure, so new rules are applied. Okay, cool, cool.

Yeah, no, go let the members know that the show they pay for has an adventure that's half the length of the usual ones. Oh.

And go tell Gullhanger there'll be no ad revenue either because it falls under the 20-minute threshold for ads. Oh.

Is this why you drag adventures out? What? Is it? Who?

Who says I drag adventures out? Some reviews. Oh, please do me a favour.
Just providing feedback. People that complain online are the same people that beep in traffic.

They're just annoyed and disappointed in themselves, and so they're lashing out. I think it rather speculative to pathologize about strangers lashing out due to their own insecurities.

I don't drag things out.

Crime is crime. It has elements to it.

It's multifaceted. I try and drive it towards conclusions that reflect, you know,

our experience in the moment, but also give listeners some sense of resolve.

I don't, you know, ramble about some banker's hand sanitizer for five minutes, then dust my hands off and go, oh, there's that done. Case closed.
Do you not think it's more efficient?

Oh, you know what? Whatever. Whatever.
Like you said, you're in charge. I said you should do an adventure, so yeah, you do what you think is best, mate.
You seem nervous.

Is this due to the case of the Zodiac thief? It's a good title, but no, it's not. What could be concerning you? Well, it's.

That smell.

The iron is on. You've just showered, and your clothing is hanging temporarily on your person.
What does that mean? You have an engagement. A formal one.
It's making you nervous.

A fine glaze of sweat is forming. Breath is tight and quick, hands fidgeting.
I'm speaking to a school. Excuse me.
I was on my journey to that deduction.

Do you feel it acceptable to lift me up and place me down at my conclusion against my will? Sorry, I didn't want to drag things out, I suppose. I shall bring the microphone.

Perhaps one of the children at this school has committed a heinous crime. Please, don't, please, don't bring the mic.

Uh, John? Hmm. Shade is just gonna wrap up and then he can go on.
All right. Yeah, cool.
Cool, sweet, sweet. Yep.

You are so nervous. Uh, I don't know if it's nerves, man.
It's uh, it's that um

it's just I am focused, you know. Is the talismanic team captain nervous in the tunnel?

Is the soaring eagle nervous in the sky?

Well, if they're itching their scalp like that, uh, yes. Oh, god, it's flaking, isn't it?

Alright, maybe I am a bit nervous. It's bloody Gregson and the stupid community outreach.
Oh, that's why you're here. Yes.

Yeah, he wanted to punish me for the stupid Milverton Adler mess that is actually his fault. Who? Gregson? No, him.

We sit amidst the jitters and clanging nerves of our dear companion, John Watson. Stop that.
As he embarks on a voyage, bobbling amongst that sea of young faces, so treacherous a venture that.

Sorry, what on earth is this?

That's my speech. Give it back.
You cannot say these words. What? Why? Why not?

You cannot. Let me see.
No, you will not see.

Oh, John. Marry, give it back.
John Hamish Watson, please don't do this. I'm speaking to them in their lingo.
Great. Don't say lingo.
Oh, please just don't. Don't say any of the words in this speech.

This is- this gen alpha dialect. Yeah? I'm gonna bring the house down with this stuff.
I mean, listen to that shenade woman out there boring on about town planning. Slay!

Uh, oomphs?

You ever think the criminal justice system is mid? Mid? Uh, spoilers. This is making me embarrassed already.

I get

really bad seconds and embarrassment, so please, please don't say slave oomphs. Fine, fine, fine.
I will open with something else, but the speech is good stuff, mate.

Honestly, you must think long and hard about this, Watson. I'm not dropping an atom bomb, or I'm talking to a bunch of kids.
This speech is low-key bussive. Nope, no, no, no.
Nope. Okay, John.

Good to go. Let's do this.

And And our next speaker joins us all the way from Scotland Yard.

Okay,

here is True Crime Podcaster Extraordinaire, Dr. John Watson.

Hey, chat.

What's up, my slay kings and queens? And of course, my vaithe emperors. You'll ever think the criminal justice system is mid?

I feel sick. But I am here to tell you, dead ass, solving crime slaps.

I'm Dr. Watson, pronouns he, him, crime solver.

But

real talk. I'm not here to yap.

I'm here to spill the tea on crime.

Now, I work with Sherlock Holmes. He's giving NPC Aura, but the IQ is built different.
Gigabrain, no cap. I can't.
I can't do this.

You cannot leave me watching this. I'm his emotional support bestie.

And solving crime is just spotting the ick in real time. Now, you guys are probably like, what the Sigma?

Right!

Is it bleeding or just a bruise? It's like, kind of both. Like it's a bruise with a cut.
Can you believe one of them threw a phone? Well, that lot loved their phones. Hmm.

Not as much as they hated your speech, I guess. What's wrong with wanting to connect with younger people? They don't like it.
Why not?

Did you like it when you were their age? Well, I mean, no, probably not, but. But what? You think you're cool enough to pull it off? The blood is running again.

Sake, you got another tissue? Yeah.

Well, I will obviously cut all that from any any episode. I will, you mean? Right, yeah.

Oh, God, shouldn't you be uploading the world's shortest adventure? Yes.

But I can't help be a little

distracted. By what? That gentleman over there.
Where? By the reception window where we signed in. Uh,

yeah, I see him. His name tag.

The end is

occluded by that good job sticker. What? Why didn't I get a good job sticker? But from what I can see,

it reads

James M.

Oh. And he has found it increasingly difficult to not stare in our direction.

What

do you want to do? Can I just ask that we don't confront people at the local school?

Can I just ask that of you guys? Let's um let's relax. Yeah, let's calm down.
How about we call him over? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And how exactly are you going to do that? By saying his name.

You know, we call out his name. He comes over here, we have a little chat.
Sherlock figures out who he is, you know. Jobs are good, huh? Oh my god, how hard did that phone hit your head?

It's not a ridiculous suggestion. It's mature, grown-up.
Oh, so now we're acting our age. Okay.
James. Oh, God.
James, come over. We'd love to chat.
Okay, here we go. Okay, okay, okay.

All right. Good speech.
Yeah, thanks. Thank Thank you.
You probably missed mine. They were kind of hostile to me and all, so don't worry.
And what is it that you do, James? All sorts, really. Yeah.

Running a company at the moment. Right.

I'm we run a crime agency and a podcast. I know.
You do? Yeah.

I'm actually interested in your previous life, Dr. Watson.
What?

Uh, what previous life? And what of yours, James? Mine? Is that not why you're interested in my companion here? Those previous lives of yours and his, ever so slightly intertwining.

Now that is good.

Sorry.

What exactly is going on? Come to the sports hall. It was empty earlier.
Come on.

Tiny.

Absolutely tiny. It used to be huge.
Well, it felt like...

like a coliseum back then. Like an arena, but now,

like some little village hall or something.

Oh, you went to this school? I did, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, for a bit. How long? Couple of years.
Then got expelled, didn't I?

What for? Jab some little sounds like, you know.

Jab like punch. Nah, something sharp.

You know? Right, yeah. Yet the school had you return to speak and inspire their pupils.
Journey, innit? That's what they say. Look at Doddy's journey.
Doddy? James M. Dodd.
See? Right.

And that journey, James.

Expulsion. Prison shortly after.

A gang, judging by that tattoo there.

Yeah.

Then military. Yep.

And now, I'd say scaffolding business. Took it over from your father, I would imagine.
I expect it began to soar somewhat before your time, though.

though, following 2005 UK work at height legislation. Yeah, but I properly expanded it, took on the staff, knocked out the competition.
Cool, well, well done. Yeah.
So you do do that, then?

Do do what, Doddy? Make all those funky little bush-bush bush, you know. You do this, you do that, sort of thing.
Observations and deductions. Yeah.

Yeah.

Why is it that you wish to speak to Sherlock, James? It's actually that one I was going to speak to. John Boyd Watson.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.

This is... yours, isn't it?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a that's a GoPro I had while I was at Crane.

You know.

Uh it's.

Yeah, yeah, don't tell me. Don't tell me.
Um

Emsworth. Freddie Emsworth.
Boom! Yes, like yes. Yeah, no, he's he was cool, actually.

A bit downbeat, but um...

You know, him and the three three American guys we were with were just about the only ones that knew how to handle themselves.

Marine, right? He's a Royal Marine. He's.

was.

Yeah, sure.

Is he dead?

Did he die out in Ukraine, Doddy?

Don't know.

You okay? Yeah, you.

It's like, yeah, I'm good, mate. You.

Roy.

Whoa.

Did you. Have you spoken to him recently? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
James!

James! Let him go, James. I fucking seen him.

I've fucking seen him, mate, right? His face at the window, mate. It was fucking at the window, and he.

Okay, James. James, just breathe.

He's face. James.
His face. James.

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