The Disappearance of Lady Frances Carfax - Part One

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This episode, um

God, how can I even say this?

Um

the opening to this episode is

something that I could never

ever even in my wildest,

you know, I just

just

listen.

We're okay for now, but

it's important you hear

exactly what happened.

Come, Watson.

We must delve deeper into the sewer.

Yeah, and delve deeper we shall.

Because now I'm armed and ready

Ingenious Watson the general's shotgun.

Yeah, I don't know what the gun laws are here in Sumatra, but

I smell a rat and it's time to flush him out

This way the sewer chamber will split.

We'll avoid the overflow chamber and continue our course Yeah, I agree onwards

You know,

it's times like these when we're chasing down a giant rat in distant lands that

I am reminded of our rodent companion back home.

Ah, yes, Graham.

We shall return to him one day.

And to Archie, and of course, to Mariana.

Yeah, but that is not this day.

It's not this day.

Watson, look out.

The rat!

He must be eight foot high, Watson.

Get back!

Direct hit.

He's wounded.

Down.

He's lunging towards us with those monstrous teeth.

I can hold his

jaws open.

I just...

I need you to fire...

Boom.

The gun.

Directly

into his mouth.

Yeah, you got it, buddy.

Fast out, Watson.

Just reload it.

You must hurry.

I can't hold him much longer.

Nearly there.

He wishes to feast on us, Watson.

He's hungry for human flesh.

Yeah, well, he's gonna have to settle for bullets.

Dinner is served.

What the hell are you doing?

Um,

just

in the middle of something.

Of what?

Why does Archie have a tie around his butt?

That's his rat tail.

His rat tail?

Yes, he's the giant rat of Sumatra.

So.

What do you want?

Well, now I want to leave and quit the company.

Will you relax?

It's an April Fool's joke.

What?

This episode will go out on April the 1st, so we're tricking the listeners.

Yeah, a lot of the real drama I can do in post.

There's a clan downstairs.

Yep, yep, yep, me right there.

Archie.

Archie, the performance is concluded.

Oh,

Archie.

My name is Dr.

John Watson.

Once of the British Army Northumberland Fusilier Regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London.

I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know.

Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.

Right,

how lovely, you're hanging upside down.

You ought to be careful doing that, that bar could snap.

Is this why you didn't message me?

Because you know, it's it's pretty easy to leave a voice note, even though you seem to be allergic to it.

Can we turn this down, please?

Akbash.

Is

do do we have a new greeting that I'm not aware of?

The Akbash was in the park.

Okay.

Is

that

are these code words?

No.

Are you...

Are you shaking your head?

God's sake, Archie, off me, please.

Sherlock, can you do this in your room?

Ruzgar.

Right, bye-bye.

Where are you going?

Away from this sort of sage guru act thing that you're doing.

Ruzgar.

The Akbash.

Look, you're in an extremely vulnerable position.

I'm already in a bad mood and you're deliberately trying to wind me up.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

All the while, you're dangling around like a human punchbag.

Very tempting one as well.

The reason for your bad mood.

Ruzgar the Akbash.

Right, that's it.

Archie, lick his face.

No, no, no.

Well, then speak.

Words.

Normal ones.

The words I am speaking are normal.

They're just Turkish.

Akbash is a dog breed.

It's the one in Regent's Park you don't like that has an obsession with Archie's rear end.

His name is Ruzgar.

How on earth do you know that that big fluffy prick was in the park?

Splashes from Archie's scent marking on your left leg, so he was in close proximity to you.

Confirmed by the pressure blanching on your left hand from his lead, which means he was pulling you.

Which explains his anxiety for rehydration.

You should refill his bowl, by the way.

Very impressive.

Not really.

Archie generally is unleashed unleashed in the park.

There's only one reason why he wouldn't be.

Ruzga the Akbash.

Exactly.

Phone.

Mariana.

Answer.

Hola.

Hola, can you come down here, please?

Oh, Sherlock Poop.

On our way.

Archie, bowl, water.

Being annoying.

Stop.

Don't push me.

Whatever.

This is forced oscillation.

The amplitude disrupts my periodic motion.

Watson,

help me get down.

Got my co-host, too.

Special bundle offer.

There's no client.

No, there is not.

May I return upstairs?

What is it?

iPad.

Actually, no, wait.

This is live, anyway.

So it should be on the news.

Oh, this better not be Swindon Town highlights, because I'm already in a bad mood.

Look, Henny Montgomery, known for her iconic role as Lady Frances Carfax in the long-running detective series The Lady Doth Investigate, has been reported missing.

No, Miss Montgomery was last seen aboard the cruise liner the Montpellier, which is due to dock in the port of Alexandria in northern Egypt at 3 p.m.

today.

Robert Hammond.

What do they mean she's missing?

Like, did she drown?

It is the Viscount, the Honourable 12th Viscount of Milchester.

But, Lady Frances, that's impossible.

Impossible is a word for lazy men who don't wish to think hard enough.

Wouldn't you agree, Wilton?

Quite brilliant, as always, master.

State of him.

Lady Frances, I have offered you the very finest accommodation.

And I will ensure Her Majesty's prison Pentonville will endeavour to offer you the very same, Lord Abbot of Milchester.

How dare you?

How dare I?

It is my nature.

Why dare I?

Because the truth demands demands it.

Well, good luck.

It is rather good.

You are under arrest.

No!

This cannot be!

This cannot be!

Alas, it can, my lord.

Reality is dreadfully inconsiderate that way.

Wouldn't you agree, Wilton?

Yes, indeed, ma'am.

I'm holding leave.

Start it again, baby.

I'll miss one.

The last and most recent scene shot by Penny Montgomery in her role as Lady Frances Carfax.

Since then, 24th series of the Lady Doth Investigate Wrapped, and Penny Montgomery began her off-season break with a trip to Lausanne in Switzerland.

From there, she visited Baden-Warden in Germany before boarding the Montpellier cruise liner and traversing the Mediterranean.

It was at 11am this morning when she had missed two pre-booked spa treatments and wasn't answering to cleaning staff staff that the alarm was raised.

She had been seen the night before on the ship following its routine dock at the previous port on the Greek island of Rhodes.

A spokesperson for Media Cruises insists that everything is being done to locate Miss Montgomery and they are in constant communication with her family and her friends.

The Egyptian government has confirmed that upon the Montpellier's docking here in Alexandria this afternoon, Egyptian police will undertake a full inspection and search of the vessel as soon as clearance is granted.

But for now, the mystery continues.

Fans of the great Lady Frances Carfax will be hoping for a simple and swift resolution, and that hopefully it doesn't take a super sleuth to crack this most peculiar case.

Robert Hammond, Port of Alexandria, Egypt.

Thank you, Robert.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has confirmed that the rise.

I can't believe it.

That's crazy.

How?

Just...

How?

Indeed.

What was the evidence for her assertion against the Viscount?

That's not.

That's not what matters, Sherlock.

Lady Frances Carfax is a big, big

show.

Penny Montgomery is an icon.

I even watched that show growing up.

Yeah, I remember it on in the background a lot when I was was younger.

Carol's a big fan.

Why would the police allow her to just conduct an inquiry into the Viscount on their own?

Let's put that to one side for now.

How does a woman go missing on a ship?

There's innumerable answers to that question, Watson.

Well, maybe if you have a think and actually come up with something, we could help the investigation.

Yeah, police might make a complete hash of it for all we know.

Make a hash of it.

Yeah, that balls it up, do a bad job type thing.

I see.

Let's.

Okay, let's see what we can figure out on Penny Montgomery.

I'm gonna go.

Okay, I'll message Carol, get the gossip.

Good lord.

Alright, well, what do you suggest, Master Detective?

Call Marie Devine.

You can get her details by signing up to this recruitment agency site.

How the hell?

The news item used three photos.

There was a young woman in two of them.

She didn't have the same attire as the production crews.

She held two phones and one very premium, very expensive handbag, despite having her own cheap wrap-around purse.

So.

So.

Search for Penny Montgomery, assistant.

And before you ask why, it's because that is how the observations present themselves.

Right, yeah.

You see?

Top search result: Marie Devine, executive assistant specializing in talent management within broadcast and TV production.

There's her picture.

That's the woman on the broadcast.

Bye.

Bye.

And her status on the recruitment site is looking for work.

So you might want to ask her why she has recently parted company with Miss Montgomery shortly before her disappearance.

Yep, good observation.

Bye.

Bye.

Quite brilliant.

As always.

Hmm.

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We are gathered here today

to remember Florence Florence Evesham.

Florence was a true friend of the community.

Stop the service!

We can't do this!

Get this silly woman out of here!

This is a house of God!

Oh, I won't be long, Father.

You shall bury Florence Evesham today, but I won't let you bury the truth.

What?

This is downright preposterous.

Who do you think you you are?

I am Lady Frances Carfax, and I'm a detective.

But I can tell you, Mr.

Thornley here, one of the pole bearers, would have rather hoped for a chiropractor over a detective.

Isn't that right?

Aches, Lady Frances.

A rather heavy coffin for such a frail old woman, don't you think?

Impossibly so.

Impossibly?

Or improbably.

What do you mean, Sam?

I don't get it.

Patience, dear Wilton.

This Wilton bloke is such an idiot.

He's such a whiner.

Fucking get on with it, mate.

Suck it up.

It's crying.

Please shut up.

I am watching the show.

No, you can't.

You mustn't.

I must.

It doesn't have much air left, I'm afraid, far.

These theatrics are a little unnecessary,

and quite frankly, disrespectful to the bereaved.

Hello there,

Mr.

Pearson.

This is ridiculous.

Why are they laughing?

Ladies and gentlemen, my heart goes out to you for your loss.

I hope you can continue this service in the peace and reverence which is deserved for dear Florence.

But your priest, I'm afraid, will be coming with me.

No!

Stop this!

Pearson is a crook and a scoundrel!

He tried to sleep with my wife, my beautiful, buddy.

Brilliant as always, ma'am.

Stop!

Blummy neck, I've spilled holy water all over me trousers.

Wilton.

I've just watched these darlings.

Oh, please, please just turn it off.

John.

And before you answer with the same bollocks again, it does not qualify as research.

Sorry, but it doesn't.

Why is she always right?

She's not.

He means Lady Frances, idiot.

Oh,

yeah.

Well, they just.

I don't know.

The detectives just always write in these kind of shows.

A little far-fetched, don't you think?

She just pulled a bloke out of an old woman's coffin.

Well, the priest would have access to the coffin and he drugged him.

Oh, the priest just drugged him, did he?

Yes, because they spoke with him earlier, and he mentioned the medication to put his dog to sleep, as he wanted to administer.

And then he can make sure the casket is buried with Mr.

Pearson.

That hat, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, that is iconic.

It's just a hat.

Yeah, but you know, you see that style hat and you just.

you just think Lady Frances.

Do you?

Yes.

I I just don't think a detective should be wearing a hat.

Nor do I think they should be presenting themselves as anything remotely near iconic.

You should get one.

It's a purple fascinator for women.

No, your own hat style.

No.

Oh, she's here.

Ah, yes.

Plan is coming together.

There's a plan now, is there?

We contacted Marie and said that we wanted to hire her and asked if she'd be willing to come round for an interview.

Rather cruel, isn't it?

Oh, please, if you did it, we'd all be hailing you as a genius.

Come on.

So, uh, who else have you worked for, Marie?

As in famous people?

Yeah, yeah, there you go.

Milk.

Absolutely.

Um, who else have I worked for?

The, um.

I work for David L.

Grant and Sandra Priestley and yeah, a couple couple of others.

Cool, cool.

And sorry, just to check, there's no posting, obviously.

You just DM'd me on the app.

We did, yeah.

So So I uh haven't got much detail apart from salary and hours.

Okay,

yeah, more detail.

Mm-hmm.

John?

More detail.

Well, um.

So who's the talent?

The talent?

The celeb is.

Um.

It it's this is this, him.

Him?

Me?

Yep.

Yep, this is Sherlock Holmes.

Hi.

Hello.

And yeah, he's a.

He's a really, really big name in the investigative fields sort of sort of thing.

Cool, great.

I can google you later.

Well,

have you heard of a little-known podcast company called Goal Hanger?

No.

Oh, well, um, well, yeah, they uh they do podcasts.

Gary Lineker is um

never mind.

I notice

um

you didn't mention Penny Montgomery on your list of who you've worked for, Marie.

Hmm?

Penny Montgomery?

She's

she's ten times more famous than the actors you mentioned.

And you worked with her for four years,

and she was your most recent employer.

Why did you leave her out?

Very good.

Apologies, involuntary speech.

Happens sometimes.

I um

I'm so I'm aware of everything going on right now, and maybe I shouldn't be mentioning her name or um

I shouldn't be commenting on her and it's well because like

do you know what Ashley thank you for the property Marie and for the interest in um my services but to be honest Marie please we are not making a case I just I'd rather not get involved in any of this and I really

this makes me really uncomfortable okay nobody is trying to make you uncomfortable we just want to get all the information we can on Penny

are you police

no Milverton's people have been after me as well.

Did you work for him?

Milverton?

Charles Augustus Milverton?

Not at all.

Okay,

we're just investigators.

Yeah, we're not police.

We're not journalists, right?

He's a journalist?

Feels more threatening than that at times.

Yeah, I bet.

What's going on, Marie?

I.

Um

you're fearful of somebody.

Mm-hmm.

But not of her.

Not of Penny.

That's right.

Yeah, it's it's been going on for a couple of years.

There was suddenly this man in her life.

She'd always been very, well, anti-men, to be honest.

She found them very

frustrating.

She was married young and her late husband passed away a good fifteen years ago now and I think she just wanted to live for herself.

But having said all that and having known that about her,

this guy started to um

what's the word?

Harass?

No, nothing like that.

He started to infringe, that's it, infringe on my responsibilities with Penny.

The better part of my responsibilities, not the errands or the correspondence, but the management side of things, the promotional side, um, and those were the parts that you really enjoyed?

Completely.

Those are that's why I got into this.

You pay your dues with all the other stuff, stuff.

The emails, the running the diary, the making the calls, taking calls, bookings, food shops, fan mail.

That isn't me complaining.

All that is fine.

But it's when you can be a strategic partner with the talent, when you can go into this kind of management role, that's the best.

So many can't see the bad opportunities or the missteps because of ego.

And I was getting good at reading what would be right for Penny and what would just be not as right for Penny.

and all this.

So, yeah,

sorry, I've just gone on blah, word explosion.

No, no, no, no, no, not at all.

This is good.

Um,

so a couple of years ago, she asked me to book in a set visit on the Lady Darth Investigate for this guy, Mr.

Peters.

I go, fine, yeah.

Booked him in, and he arrives.

Visual description.

Um, short,

stocky, very, like, sun-kissed, sun-worn, kinda, you know what I mean?

Uh, glasses, clean-shaven.

Um, I'm trying to think.

He had quite a lot of jewelry on him.

Bracelets, necklace, rings.

Yeah.

Watch.

Hmm.

And a gold tooth.

Earrings?

Earring.

Single.

The other ear was damaged.

Like

cauliflower ear from rugby or boxing?

No, it was kind of torn.

The lobe area was kind of torn off.

Okay.

Was Was he talkative?

No, not at all.

Did he threaten her?

No.

Did he?

I mean,

were they sleeping together?

I don't think so.

Then what is it, Marie?

About this man, Mr.

Peters.

Okay, this is a secret, and I just.

You're not gonna share this with anyone, are you?

No,

no, god, no, no.

Two years ago, Penny was going to quit the show.

Oh, wow.

We had a whole game plan for her.

There was this play she was going to do and a documentary about her lined up, a US talk show spot, a few other bits and pieces.

And that all stopped the second Mr.

Peters came into her life.

She never mentioned it again.

She never discussed things like that with me again.

She did two more seasons.

As far as I'm aware, she's going to keep going and going and going.

She's doing adverts and voiceovers, and that, and that is literally night and day from the penny that I knew before he arrived.

She was done with it.

Done with that show.

Honestly, he has some spell over her, and I don't get it.

I do not get it.

He's a gross, chubby, shriveled-up little weirdo, and she's Penny Montgomery, for fuck's sake.

Sorry.

It's okay.

I want to give you one other thing.

I've seen plenty of investigations in my time, believe me.

And you guys seem to really care about how you conduct them.

So, here.

Oh, what's what what is that?

It's a key

to her flat.

Oh,

hello.

No one in.

Come on.

Hey, wow.

Oh, wow.

Big.

Look at that view.

It's beautiful.

You can see the eye there.

Big bed.

I would be at this window all day long.

Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah.

Wouldn't even bother with the TV, to be honest.

Oh, that's.

That's where I used to work.

There.

That's

where Hudson's is.

Oh, no way.

What?

The White Tower?

Uh, no, so, um, that one with the flat roof next to the.

Excuse me.

Sup, mate.

Can we do some detective work, please?

That's what's sup.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Right.

Um,

we have a wee nose around the uh the the the the bachelorette pad.

Well, depending on what exactly was going on with Mr.

Peters, that is.

Um,

what we got?

Uh minimalism?

Yep.

Yeah, she's a woman of simple tastes.

She doesn't need fancy things.

Exactly.

Yeah, I can sort of deduce from my observations that she likes life to be uncluttered, straightforward.

She's uncomplicated.

Yes, yep, that is so her, to be honest.

Oh, so her.

Look at these shelves.

Yeah, not showing off her awards, not displaying some posh ornaments, just a couple of books.

You know, not first editions or anything like that, just nothing ostentatious, how it should be.

And maybe

that's why she has fallen for Mr.

Peters.

He's simple.

He's ordinary.

She has tastes for.

Oh,

oh, she wants to quit the show and live a normal life.

Yes.

Yes.

And she just wants some...

some normal slobby guy in some little cottage or something maybe in Europe.

Yeah, completely.

Completely.

And she wants to get out of this terrible lifestyle and focus on what matters.

Ah, she is.

She's amazing.

Amazing.

What absolute bollocks.

Whoa.

You don't say bollocks, he says bollocks.

Yes, well, I just said bollocks because that entire episode was worthy of its usage.

Sherlock, Sherlock, look around.

This is her life staring back at you.

I have looked around, and I have seen enough.

Thank you.

So we were right.

No, you were completely wrong.

Come on.

I'm as flummoxed as you are as to where exactly you find yourselves.

We all departed from the same starting point on our journey towards truth.

But somehow you two have travelled so far in the complete opposite direction you now find yourselves at a destination totally and utterly remote from any discernible logic or accuracy.

That's quite a poetic way to call your two best friends idiots, Sherlock.

I appreciate that.

I get how we can be wrong, believe me.

I get that.

But how are we in some opposite land?

Look, Sherlock, she has really basic stuff in this apartment.

I will explain, but I really don't have the time or energy to talk you through it.

Okay.

All her jewellery is gone.

Stolen?

No, I'd say pawned.

Don't interrupt.

Sorry.

Ornaments, sculptures, artworks, an antique mirror from this wall, two bronze figures that stood just here, porcelain collectibles along that shelf, a gilded candelabra by the window, three rather ugly Louis 16-style chairs, silk-embroidered cushions from that couch, a large enamelled vase that should have been by that door there, a marble chest set, and a custom perfume decanter set that was

on this surface here, I believe.

All gone.

Correlate with the photos she has here, here, and those two there.

A few few on her bedside table and a picture montage in her bathroom.

Images from her various parties and gatherings all depict the original, somewhat more opulent decor of this flat.

So she

sold it all?

Indeed.

But why?

For that, we must depart for another destination.

Oh, yeah?

Pawn shop?

Not quite.

Not yet, anyway.

We may be able to take a shortcut.

We must track her last known movements.

But

that would involve going to Switzerland, Sherlock.

Then we shall go to Switzerland, Watson.

Chop chop.

Quite brilliant.

Yeah.

Yeah, quite smug too, though.

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