The Norwood Builder - Part One

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse, and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Yes, hello.

Um, right.

Go to patreon.com forward slash Sherlock and Co for early access ad-free adventures in full bonus episodes.

Uh

your handwriting is terrible.

Yeah, I'm a doctor

and

uh munch munch more.

That's patreon.com forward slash Sherlock and Co

It's me.

It's Dr.

John Watson.

It's not,

yeah, the diary of a CEO guy or

oh come on, name another podcaster, John.

Or not, just do the intro like a normal person.

Welcome to the adventure of the Norwood Builder.

Swearing coming your way, murder coming way.

And possibly some

other

problematic stuff that I've forgotten.

But for full trigger warnings, dip into the episode description.

Enjoy.

Oh, this is a four-parter.

Bye.

Welcome, everyone, to the Sherlock and Co.

podcast.

No, I don't say that, do I?

What do I say?

Sherlock and Co.

Well, welcome, everyone, to Sherlock and Co.

Not the Sherlock and Co.

podcast.

Right, anyway, great intro John.

That's why you lost in all three British podcast award categories.

Right, welcome.

I'm here with Genghis Khan

and Julius Caesar.

And this one

is Camilla Parker Bowles.

Feels like she might be in the wrong section.

Welcome to Madame Two Swords.

For those that don't know what that is, you must be very confused.

It's a waxwork museum where famous, infamous and all-round notable people are recreated in wax form and put on display.

Now, I cannot tell you how close we live to this place.

It is a stone's throw from the flat.

A literal stone's throw.

I mean it would have to be a really really good throw, but a stone's throw nonetheless.

And this

is the first time

we've actually bothered to come here.

Yeah, usually what I do when I walk past is I tut at the crowds and roll my eyes, but I tell tell you what, I can see now what they're on about.

Great stuff, so lifelike.

Not that I know what Genghis Khan looks like, nor Julius Caesar, but uh, you know, it's very believable.

There's a few exhibitions on

US presidents, tyrants of time.

Again, not sure why Camilla has found her way over here.

Marvel superheroes.

Um, there's various pop stars, uh, just over Mussolini's salute, I think I can see Beyoncé.

Welcome.

And yeah, I should probably

track down Mariana, as I've somehow lost her.

Ah, there she is.

See the back of her head.

Mary!

Mary.

Mariana.

Oh.

No.

Oh, there you are.

Did you just...

No, no.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

You thought that was me?

Nope, not true.

Let's go.

That's Gimli from the Lord of the Rings.

Yeah, no, but from behind.

Oh, so from behind, I do look like Gimli.

That's what you're saying.

Don't, don't hide behind Captain America.

Help me, Cap.

My name is Dr.

John Watson.

Once of the British Army Northumberland Fusilier Regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London.

I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know.

Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.

Barbaric.

Utterly barbaric.

Sherlock, you're making me feel bad.

And you should.

How much longer, mate?

Well, I'll have to set it off shortly, then you'll have to vacate in case we get a link.

Should what?

Off?

Uh, bomb.

Uh, rodent bomb.

So, this is a bomb.

That's what you mean to say?

You're bombing the mouse.

Can I ask that you put that back in my case, please, mate?

They're rather harmful, you know?

Mm-hmm.

So you put the bomb where?

You see where the mouse has made a hole in the skirting ball?

Yep.

Scott enough room to put the rodent bomb in there, so I've checked to make sure the rest is sealed.

Bob will go in.

I'll then seal up his entrance with uh with this.

Little plastic box.

Yeah, uh humane trap essentially.

Bob will smoke him out and he'll come scurrying away from it and it's here and we can, you know, take him away.

And then what, pest control, Graham?

Then what?

Well, we can terminate him.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

It's my flat, Sherlock.

It's our office.

Yes, but I sleep right there.

I don't want a mouse eating and

grabbing in my lounge.

Let's tell you what, let's get a case on the go, and we can get out of here, onto the streets, solve some crime, come back.

This is all sorted.

Would I be able to visit the mouse?

For goodness sake.

Well, we do have a release program you know to release the mouse yeah it's another sixty quid plus fat excellent we'll take it uh when and where will the mouse be released uh has to pass tests first uh make sure it's not you know carrying any harmful infections and all that

keep me informed of his progression gotta catch him first haven't we

sherlock listen i have cases a woman here in chichester her husband took out a life insurance policy on her i'll be staying in london thank you.

Great.

Okay.

Thanks.

Um.

London once.

Uh, to

do uh mugging in Belsize Park.

I don't like mugging cases.

A becker in St.

Luke's Church, um,

SC 270DT

says donated food is going missing.

Doesn't sound like a master criminal at work, does it?

Okay, geez.

Um.

Are you doing it?

Is the bomb detonation imminent?

It's not the Manhattan Project, yet.

Look.

Just setting it off now.

And now we seal it off.

The mouse right there.

It's right, dickery.

Doc, and there he is.

Oh, poor guy.

Where was your empathy before the bombing?

I think we, um...

Possibly a slightly greater.

Don't worry about that.

I'll throw that out in two seconds.

Yeah, we should probably head upstairs.

I'm not your housekeeper.

Did I insinuate that I thought you were?

No, but I feel like every time I'm in your apartment, I'm doing your dishes.

You don't have to.

No, no, I do have to.

I can't look at that pile that builds up right by the window where all the flies and the bugs and stuff get in.

What is this?

That would be wax.

Mm-hmm.

Why is there wax all over this plate?

I suspect there's a coating for hard cheese.

It's melted.

Yes, it's right by the window.

Oh, you guys.

Has anyone seen my microphone?

No.

No.

I've left it recording somewhere.

I don't know where.

Okay.

What do you mean?

Okay.

Can you help me find it, please?

I'm helping Mariana with the washing up.

Huh?

No, you're not.

I'm answering your questions.

Oh, never mind.

Found it right next to the sharpest mind in the country, the man that observes all.

Is that me?

Is it?

Yeah, well, apparently not.

Okay, uh, plates done, they're stacked here to dry, pots done, and glasses are drying here, okay?

Okay.

I was gonna do the washing up.

How would you like it if I came into your flat and started tidying up?

I'd love it.

Be honest.

Okay, I'd hate it.

Exactly.

Speaking of your flat, what are you gonna do?

What do you mean?

Well, you saw it.

It's like stars in their eyes down there.

I uh actually, I don't know what that means.

You could stay in 221B, the lad pad.

You don't call it that.

Please tell me you don't call it that.

No, we don't, but we could.

Huh.

You know, you could stay over, we could stay up late, prank calling people, playing truth or dare with each other.

What's truth or dare?

I'll show you.

Truth or dare.

What?

Give me a truth, or you do a dare.

What kind of truth?

About yourself.

Like some

scandalous stuff or family stuff.

I'll take the dare.

All right.

Uh.

Oh, eat this.

John.

What?

That is Archie's dried food?

You're gross.

I'm not not asking him to eat the whole bowl.

It's just one piece.

All right.

No, no.

Ah, yes.

A little stale.

I am definitely not staying here.

No, no.

Not tempted?

Nope.

Now, I'm gonna wipe down these surfaces with the wipes I use.

These are antibacterial.

They're not just wet rags that...

Oh my god.

What, another mouse?

Is that a...

There's a gun on the counter.

Sherlock!

Apologies.

Yes, I was using it last night.

You were using a gun in here?

Sherlock, you can't do that.

The magazine release was catching.

I was merely lubricating it.

Uh, I hide this.

Um, I don't want a client reporting us to the police.

Well, I'd quite like the police reporting us to a client.

Put the gun away.

I shall.

Or perhaps you'd like to assassinate the mouse you just targeted with your chemical weaponry.

Put the gun away.

Can you hand it to me, please?

Thank you.

No, I will not.

I don't want to touch that thing.

I'll get the door then, shall I?

You two are in a lovely mood today.

Hello there.

Sherlock Holmes.

Uh, close.

John Watson.

Is he next door?

No, he's upstairs.

Are you looking for Sherlock and Kirk?

Yes, yes.

That's right.

Could I.

Well, wouldn't it be a bother if I popped in?

Uh, yeah.

Sure, come on in.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I'm Hector.

Hector MacFarlane.

You're Sherlock Holmes.

John Watson.

Oh, Bucker.

Yes, of course.

You said that already, didn't you?

Just a little bloody...

Oh, my head's all over the place, and I'm...

I'm pissed off!

To tell you the truth, I've had this...

This...

This whole thing is...

I've really had it up to here.

Alright, alright.

We're just upstairs.

You wanna come up and see if we can, you know,

talk it out, see if we can help?

Yes, please.

Now, time is pressing.

Very bloody pressing.

And I cannot stress how important it is that we get to the bottom of what the hell is going on with this absolute farce of an investigation.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

This is Hector.

Hector McFarlane.

Hi.

Hi there.

My name is Afro.

Yeah, yeah.

Hi.

Sherlock Holmes.

Excellent.

You're the man.

Ha!

Spend it, right-oh.

Do you take my coat, do you?

I uh

yeah?

I mean, I can.

There.

Do you want a cup of tea or anything, Hector?

No, there's no time, really.

Now we must.

We really must crack on.

Now, may I sit here?

Um, yeah, sure.

You're a solicitor.

I am, yes.

And you're on the run.

The run.

Very much so.

Very, very much so.

How'd you get away from the colour?

I mean, can you?

And he's seeking immediate criminal assistance.

That's what they are, by the way.

Need a bell end?

Did that observation jump out at you?

A little.

Who are you on the run from?

The police.

Now,

I can see the way you're all looking at at me, but it is really not like that.

It's really not.

You'd better start from the beginning, Mr.

McFarlane.

Well,

it began with a.

One of those things.

What do they call the bloody...

The portable oven that you do all sorts in these days.

An air fryer.

An air fryer, yes.

With one basket, or the ones with a dual.

Jewel, I think.

High-end, John Lewis.

I never used the thing, but that's.

Listen, I must be quick.

This bloody air fryer.

My wife wanted one.

And I said, Shireen, we don't have the space.

She said, we do, Hector.

We have the space.

It's a big kitchen and all this.

And I said, no, we don't have the counter space.

The kitchen counter.

There's not enough room.

You've got the kettle, the microwave.

I have a medicine box for my blood pressure and such.

Then you've got the sink.

You've got the auger on the other side and auger.

That thing alone, that's half your utility bills, just keeping that thing warm.

She wants an air fryer.

Then the pantry on the other side, there's no chance.

There's no pissing room, for heaven's sake.

Nowhere near enough.

She said we should swap out the coffee machine.

And I said, Shireen, that is a two and a half thousand quid barista bar.

It's not a coffee machine.

They use that thing in gales.

Anyway, guess what happens?

You get the air fryer?

We get the air fryer.

I swear, I used to have a backbone like a goalpost.

Firm, rigid.

Now with that woman, it's a corner flag, swaying to her every wanton need.

God's sake!

Deep breath sector.

Deep.

What's that fucking yoga thing?

What is it?

Pira Pirana Panama breath.

Panayama breathing.

Ah, that's the one.

Shireen got me on that yoga to try and calm me down.

In the nose.

In through your nose, yes.

In the nose.

Out of the mouth.

Out the mouth.

There we go.

Calm.

Calm.

Calm, cussing, assing calm.

Just

gather, gather myself.

Yep, yep.

All good.

So

we get get the bastard air fryer, right?

And sure enough, I'm right.

She's wrong.

No room.

No room for the thing.

She wants to get rid of the microwave.

She wants to stop using the kettle and just use the coffee machine.

I said, what about tea?

And she says, the coffee machine does hot water.

And I said, I'm not spraying boiling hot water into a teacup for Christ's sake.

We use a kettle in this house.

We're not Canadians.

I said to her, is that what you want, shireen you want us to live like canadians i refuse to to canadian never mind carry on so we decide to get a whole kitchen renovation and i think well that's just bloody marvellous isn't it let's tear up the whole kitchen for this bear fryer we get a few quotes from various builders and what have you all just bollocking on about the space and we should extend out the back and all this.

Oh, do me a favour.

This is Blackheath.

I know they're going to charge me through the nose, and then some local do-gooder will have me reported for disturbing the oh, I don't know, the topsoil or some nonsense.

Anyway, it drags on, and we eventually get a guy from oh, geez, uh, what's it called?

Norwood, a fellow from Norwood, Jonas Oldacre.

Oh, but

he's dead, Hector.

He was

he was murdered.

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But

he's dead.

Hector, he was.

he was murdered.

Supposedly, no body has been found yet, Watson.

Yeah, but now listen, you said you would hear me out, didn't you?

Can I just dial it down a bit, Hector?

Would you?

Would you dial it down when you're smeared over every paper?

Look at this.

Look at this.

In the Times here, look.

Solicitor suspected for contractor disappearance.

The Telegraph.

Solicitor faces long arm of law.

The Daily Mail.

Bully of Blackheath.

Elite London lawyer facing murder charge.

And this is just...

This is...

The Guardian here, look at this.

Old Acre Murder.

How neoliberal materialism and cursed Eulsop home renovations are the real killers of the working.

Oh, the lamp goes on a bit.

Yeah, we get the point.

Do you?

Do you?

I'm not sure you do.

The daily sport?

Big job love.

MacFarlane's wife's steamy romp with missing builder.

I mean, look, there's a thought bubble above my wife's head saying...

Knob the builder, can he fix it?

Hector.

The speech bubble or whatever as well.

Here's your extension, love.

I mean, this is just...

just

the sun.

Cannibal Hector.

MacFarlane confesses to eating Norwood Tradesman.

You confess to what?

Sorry?

I didn't confess to a damn thing.

I said I was hungry for justice.

That's all.

It is slander.

It's disgraceful.

It's bloody humiliating.

Could we perhaps return to the chain of events as you, not the press, perceive them?

We.

We.

Jonas was very nice, alright?

The second he came around, we could tell that this quote was going to be what we were looking for.

He was accommodating.

He didn't think we needed an extension.

He talked about a simple wraparound countertop that, yes, was very sleek, but it wasn't extortionate.

We book him for the job.

And he gets to work the following week.

And then it begins.

What exactly begins, Hector?

Oh, the parameters begin to shift.

They always do with builders, don't they?

Oh, this material's not available.

Let's go for this one.

Oh, that's not up to regs, so we'll have to do all this sort of stuff.

But no, Jonas was worse than that.

I come home one day, all right, Jonas, sort of thing.

He says, um, you need a steel beam across here, Hector, mate.

I said, I beg your pardon.

He said, yeah, steel beam.

For structural support.

Structural support, exactly.

He says, it's gonna cost four grand.

I said, Jonas, we want new countertops, wrap around like you said.

He says, we don't have the floor space, so we'll have to increase it.

We need to blow the wall out into the garden for a few feet.

Bigger kitchen, natural light.

And I said, Are you fucking kidding me?

This man comes into my kitchen under false false pretenses, smashes the place to bits, pulls out the oven, the dishwasher, all the cupboards and counters, and holds me to ransom.

To ransom!

I said, I'm not bloody having this.

You are taking the piss.

We have this big row.

Shireen comes back, and I...

I told him.

I told him in no uncertain terms, I'm taking you to court, mate.

You are screwed.

I got the initial quote signed.

I got it guaranteed by him.

He said he didn't usually do that kind of thing.

And now I see why.

I said, you do your little extension.

You do whatever it is that you think works.

But I am not paying a damn penny more.

He said he'd lose out.

I said, so be it.

Lose out in court for ten times the amount for all I care.

Finish the job or get shut down.

My wife managed to cool the situation and to simmer it down.

Me in particular.

I have uh

I've quite a short temper, you see.

I do see.

Yes.

Um

look.

The days and weeks went on.

The kitchen work was.

Well, it was coming along all right.

And the tension, well, if you could call it that, had uh dissipated a little.

I think he knew I had him.

You don't mess with a solicitor, do you, really?

Anyway, he had taken out the back wall and we had sorted planning permission.

Well, we didn't actually need planning in the end, as it was rear.

It was rear-facing work.

And it was looking rather good, I have to say.

Could really see his idea coming together.

And we actually started to really get on.

We chatted about the arsenal and a bit of rugby.

And then on.

Last Monday I came back from work and Jonas was still at the house, which was odd as I had been working late.

Well, very late, so I expected to not see him.

And he was actually

He'd hung around for some legal advice.

He said his partner was pregnant, recently pregnant, and he wanted to draw up a will.

And he asked if I could help out.

And he said if I helped him, he would knock down some of the labor costs even more.

And I thought, well, why not?

You know, I mean, I mean, I arranged the forms for him.

I made a draft contract where he could fill in the relevant relevant parties, himself, the key beneficiaries and so on.

And I said I could sign it when he'd filled it all in.

I thought it would take him some time, but he was right back the next morning before I was even out of work.

The forms were on the side, ready to be signed by me.

I signed it.

Caught him as I was heading off on my bike and I said to him, we'll make a couple of copies and I can get it filed at work

Yeah

And that was

the last time I saw Jonas Oldacre

That

was the last time anyone saw Jonas Oldacre

Later that day the fourteenth I was in a meeting and one of my colleagues knock knock on the door sort of thing.

Hector, can I have a word?

He says.

I said, sure, Charlie.

I left the meeting room, I walked down the hallway, and

Dame Gwen Lestrade is there.

Oh,

yeah,

exactly.

And I sort of did

double take.

You know the face from the TV, but you're not sure.

So she introduces herself and she says she's overseeing an investigation that she says concerns her greatly and I say oh what's that and she says the murder of Jonas Oldacre

and

I swear to God

my knees go weak I

I'm just staring at her and I look down to the desk that she's she's sort of standing over

and there

is the will

and look

I

don't know how I didn't see it in the kitchen.

I have no idea.

But I can see the beneficiary.

All the belongings, assets, and financial holdings of Jonas Oldacre will be left to

me.

To Hector MacFarlane.

Oh my god.

Everything left to me.

Everything.

Everything.

That it.

I wouldn't even.

I don't even think I'd be authorized to sign the forms as the.

Doesn't matter.

Look, I'm a legal man, so.

And that is exactly why they tried to intimidate me with Lestrade.

So, I stuck to my guns.

I said, I will be in contact with my lawyer and I will get back to you.

I keep repeating it.

They insist it's just a casual chat.

I say, no,

nope, not having it.

Back off, sort of thing.

I have a chat with a lawyer.

I'm not feeling comfortable about it at all.

I call some old friends, and one of them eventually recommended you, Mr.

Holmes.

And that's...

That's why I'm here.

Mr.

McFarlane, I appreciate the visit, and of course, the detailed depiction you have provided of the circumstances.

No problem at all.

Now, what can we do to...

But I will be refusing your case.

I.

What?

Yeah, what?

I'll pay good money.

I doubt that.

Why are you refusing my case?

Because you killed him, Mr.

MacFarlane.

You killed Jonas Aldacre.

How dare you?

There is nothing daring about the truth in my line of work, Mr.

MacFarlane.

Now it is you who are faced with the choice as the police bear down on you and your options close off.

Truth

or dare?

This is not a game.

Actually, it is.

And I believe you may have lost.

Sherlock, maybe if you just explain to Hector.

Explain what?

How I'm guilty of a crime I didn't commit.

I am persecuted by the press.

How my...

My whole life has been destroyed.

I cross-reference.

Cross-reference what exactly?

My knowledge of the crime I read yesterday with your behaviour I see today.

And I do not wish to aid your cause to-morrow.

You're a bastard!

And you're a murderer.

You beat him to death with a club hammer.

That's not true!

A clubhammer you took from his own van on the 13th.

He messaged his colleague Chris, asking for its whereabouts the same day, and he was never seen again.

The clubhammer was found in a local bin lorry following collection.

On your street, Mr.

MacFarlane.

This really is such nonsense.

And they also discovered a 115mm cutting disc, taken from an angle grinder, with traces of blood on it.

Oh, please!

And it would appear that Jonas Oldacre's own angle grinder tool had a new blade replaced.

Incorrectly installed, though.

Interesting.

Almost as if it was hastily put on by an amateur.

An amateur who wished to disguise the usage of the previous blade.

And what was that usage, Mr.

McFarlane?

I think I've made it perfectly clear that I have no fucking idea, sir!

It was to dismember the body of that poor builder, limb by limb.

You liar!

You're a liar!

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Come on, that's all right.

Come on!

You want to throw an accusation, my lord.

Can you throw a punch, Glad?

Come on!

Get the fucking get back!

Oh, what?

Or I'm gonna break those glasses onto your fur bones.

Now, get back!

Are you okay?

Oh, absolutely.

Make sure this makes its its way into the arrest report.

Shut up!

Oh, oh, Nick.

My knuckles, bleedings.

My knuckle.

You need to get out of our flat now.

Just wait for the police, John.

They're at the door.

Well, then, go wait in the kitchen.

Watson?

I don't want him in here.

I'm perfectly right.

Ugh, there's blood.

Yeah, but he won't beat because.

I swear to God, I'll punch him in his stupid face.

Get off me.

Yeah, yeah, with pleasure, you twat.

In the kitchen, now.

Whatever.

Oh, goodness.

I saw my shirt.

Uh-oh.

We should really let the police inside.

I'll go enter the door then, yeah?

Yes, Mariana, go.

Hold that thought just one moment.

Sorry, what?

Look at me.

Yeah, what?

No blood?

Bruise, or even blemish.

You got a date or something?

No.

Then why do you...

It's fine.

You look fine.

Where did he get you?

Below the eye, I think.

Yep.

Yep, you look fine to me.

Wow.

You're lucky it hasn't swollen and closed right up.

Yes.

It has, in fact, done rather the opposite.

It has...

Opened my eyes.

Are you being you right now, or are you being concussed?

Because it's very hard to tell sometimes.

Not a mark on me.

He threw everything into that right hook, yet nothing.

But this is the man that beat a 6'2, 14-stone builder to death with a 2-kilogram club hammer.

Alright, just pick a unit, mate, and stick with it.

And did you see?

He...

He reacted to the blood on his own hand.

His face ran pale.

He gagged.

His walk into the kitchen denoted a spell of dizziness.

He was unbalanced and numb.

Hector has acute haemophobia.

What are you getting at?

This is a man that supposedly cut a body to pieces with an angle grinder, Mariana.

Ah, you're right.

No, no, no, no, come on.

He's just a.

He's a prick who gives it all that every day of the week.

And then when he was finally faced with a confrontation, he just.

you know, he had a panic.

That's why he's all pale and everything and dizzy.

But that was not the order of things, Watson.

Nor was it what triggered the symptoms.

You saw it.

He was bearing down over me, ready for more, until he saw the blood.

Sherlock, just wait.

Wait, leave him in there.

No, I need more information on what exactly.

What?

What is it?

Is he fainted?

No.

He's vanished.

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