“Jimmy Kimmel: LIVE in Los Angeles”

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Subject to change. Testing.
Testing. Testing.
Testing. Testing.
Testing. Testing.
Is this hot? Is it hot? Are we hot? Are we hot? Testing, testing, testing, one, two. Testing, testing, one, two.
Oh, they can hear us. Oh, okay, wait.
So, wait. I got a really quick game.
It's called Quick, Quick, Quick. And I'm going to say Quick, Quick, Quick, and I'm going to say name three something, right? Okay.
So, for you, Quick, Quick, name three brands of soap. Dove, Ivory, and Irish cream.
Quick, okay? Okay, okay. So for you, so quick, quick, quick, name three brands of soap.
Dove, ivory, and Irish cream. Quick, okay.
So quick, quick, quick, name three problems with dental problems. Go, name three dental problems.
Oh, you've got an abscess, you've got a cavity, and you've got a punch in the mouth. Okay, what about you? Quick, quick, quick.
Three great sports teams.

Quick.

The birds, the dinosaurs.

No.

Okay.

God.

The dinosaurs.

Listen, let's just forget this.

Let's just get down to what we came here to do.

The last show of...

Smart Boys!

Smart Boys! Oh, my gosh. Yes.
Yes. Smart.
Less. Smart.
Less. Smart.
Less. Smart.
Less. Oh, man.
What? Oh, man. He's still here.
Yes. Look at this.
So nice. How fun.
You guys are so fun. How fun.
How fun. How fun.
How fun. How fun.
How fun. How fun.
How fun. How fun.
He's still here. Yes.

Look at this. So nice.
So fun. You guys, it's our last.
You guys, relax. Relax.
This guy owns a place. They already see you? This guy owns a place.
He's looking to bust some heads. Yeah.
It's our last show of the show. It's our last show.
Wow. And we're going to...
This is it. We're so excited that you guys wasted your money to come here tonight.
A lot of money. Yeah.
Right? We're going to try to put full dollar value in it. Yeah.
We've got a pretty good guest. Not great.
Not great. Pretty good.
Yeah. But we've been on the road for the last couple weeks,

and we went all over the country. We started in D.C., and then we went to Boston, and we went to New York and Chicago and Madison, Wisconsin.
Huh? Yeah, very sweet. We had an incredible special appearance.
By? By my sister, Tracy. Tracy.
And I that tracy got a warmer reception than we did yeah for sure anyway thank you for coming here unless we're gonna sit in the show you get there because it's your guest i don't care um oh boy oh yeah you haven't sat in the center since? Since Conan.

Oh, wow.

So all the way back to Boston.

Yeah, thank you.

This is a great interview, by the way. Thank you.

No.

How did you get started in show business?

That's a great question.

I wasn't expecting it out of you.

Sorry, just before I...

Green.

Oh.

What's your favorite color?

So I...

No, they know.

that's what I... Green.
What's your favorite color? No, they know. They know.
All right, so wait. I, you know, people are so nice to come backstage and they say nice things all through this whole tour.
Sometimes I do think I have a little bit of face blindness, of undiagnosed face blindness, because sometimes I really truly don't recognize people and I make an ass out of myself. And so a quick story, I was remodeling my house and I came outside.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, it doesn't get any gayer than remodeling your house. And so the, and I walk outside and this woman's walking down the sidewalk and she says she goes oh i love what you did with the house i would love to see the inside of it sometime and i'm like who are you right i was like okay like what am i supposed to do and uh and the she the conversation kind of went on i was feeling very awkward and i go i'm sorry do we know each other she goes it's uh julio your next door neighbor of 20 years and uh yeah and then i and And then the worst comeback you could ever come up with, I go I'm sorry do we know each other she goes it's uh Julia your next door neighbor of 20 years and uh yeah and then I and then the worst comeback you could ever come up with I go did you change your hair you look so that's gayer that's gayer that's definitely gayer oh and another one this is why I think I have it because another one during Will and Grace remember Tracy Lord's the pornorn Star? Sure.
No. No.
Okay. Did I say sure? You did really quickly.
I said it pretty fast. Yeah.
I was a little fast. Are we still rolling? Can we go back? So she ventured into, you know, talking parts in acting, you know? She talked quite a bit, actually.
So she, you know, I didn't know. So she came on as a guest star in Will & Grace, and I'm such an idiot.
She sat down, I literally said, oh my god, I loved you in The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. I thought she was Rebecca De Mornay.
And she looked at me like, excuse me? And all I did, didn't even say anything. I'm like, I'm going to be right back.
I'm going to get some water. And I just, because somebody was like, that's not Rebecca De Mornay.
What else? Are you happy to be done with the tour, both of you? Yeah. Well, I'm happy and sad.
Huh? I'm happy and sad is what I said. What's the happy part? The happy part is that, the happy part is the...
You get to rest for a second.

We're really searching for the happy part.

No, no, no.

Because he's going, he's, Sean is about to go on the road

for seven months to go do a play like tomorrow.

And he's been doing all of this for his final week before...

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's very nice.

Anybody here see Promises, Promises?

No, that's very nice of you to say. It's called Goodnight Oscar.
It opens at the Goodman Theater in Chicago and then Broadway after that. So, but that's nice of you to say.
No, I'm happy because I feel like it was a success. I had a great time with you guys.
I feel very happy that we did it, but sad because it'll be gone. Yeah, it could have really been a shit show, right? I mean, we didn't know what...
We still don't know what the hell we're doing. And to think that people would be engaged and entertained for a half hour or a full hour with us talking is stunning.
And we might be blowing it right now, right? We were doing so good up to here. I know.
It you black out? Did you black out for a second? I'm still out. Yeah.
But I think we may have pulled it off without a real stinker. I have one more embarrassing face blindness story.
Can I just share? Yeah, of course. Let's double back.
I went to the premiere screening of Transparent. Remember that TV show? Sure, sure.

And it was before it was on TV.

It was a special event you could watch the first two episodes.

I was like, oh, my God.

I walk up to, what's his name?

Take your time.

Jay Duplass.

Jay Duplass is an amazing actor, right?

Sure.

And I walk up to him.

I'm like, oh, my God, you were so great.

You were so amazing.

And he's like, ah.

And I'm like, no, no, no.

It's such an incredible show. I can't believe nobody's ever tackled this subject.
I just went on and on and on. And I was like, you're so great.
And Scotty, my husband, grabs my arm and I was like, oh, okay, well, I'll see you later. He's like, okay.
He goes, that's Molly Shannon's husband, Fritz. And I was like, oh, and I know Fritz very well so

obviously

yeah

and then I

and then I was like

do I say something

to Molly and Fritz

or do I not

oh my god

it's going to be so embarrassed

because every time I see her

then it's going to be

in the back of her

you know what

I'm going to email her

I was like

oh my god Molly

I can't believe

I thought Fritz was

J. Duplass

and she emailed me back

she's like

we cannot stop laughing

on the car ride home

it was pretty bad. We're getting old.
We're getting old and the brain starts to go. You guys are.
I don't have any, yeah. You still play, you still.
I still play like 35 to 37. Right, you really do.
I don't make the rules, dude. You have no socks on, or do you have those weird sort of hide, the socks that just hide in the bottom of the shoe? No.
Oh, no-see-ums? Yeah. Right? No.
Prove it to me right now. Okay.
Oh, uh-oh. Oh, oh.
Oh. So.
oh so because those are not a good look those little things isn't that what when when a woman goes to try on shoes at a shoe store high heels they've got those little things in there well men too dude well it looks like it looks like a high heels it looks like a Well, but they have those little, like, temporary socks for everybody.

And it's not a good look for men.

You either got to go without socks or put them on.

Who likes the no socks look?

Anybody?

Thank you.

That was like 20 people.

Good for you.

I can't pull that off.

Good for you.

It's just, it's a, yeah, it's a very unique look.

It looks like a pump.

Feels like a sneaker. I don't know the reference.
It was a commercial where women are playing basketball on their high heels. No.
But what was that from? It was some shoe company, I don't know. We have a lot of fun.
We have a lot of fun together. We have a lot of fun with you guys, knowing that you guys are having fun with us.
That's a true story. Thanks for listening to our garbage.
Truly. Truly, we really mean it when we say we can't believe it.
We're truly humbled and that you want to, you know, get involved with us

and laugh at all the stupid shit

we talk about

because that's what we do all the time.

And we're really happy to be back here

with you guys,

with our family and friends,

a lot of whom are here tonight.

Yeah.

And so we wanted, yeah,

and we wanted to do a show

back here in our hometown.

We wanted to do a show

that really was representative of how great we feel and how grateful we are for you guys and for our friends. So with that in mind, our guest tonight is someone that we all hold dear to our hearts and we love very much.
He's just the funniest. He's such a good friend of ours.
We just love him to death. And for the first time, we all know who the guest is

because we're at the end of the tour,

and we've invited our really good friend, our pal,

the hilarious, the kind, the generous, the amazing,

Mr. Jimmy Kimmel.

Thank you.

How sweet. Thank you, thank you.
Oh. Oh, hey now.
Yeah! Thanks. Jimmy Kimmel! I appreciate it.
Hi, guys. You know, I mean, this guy knows how to do it.
We got to get some pointers at least. I feel like that, I mean, that was a really nice intro.
I don't think I don't appreciate it. I do appreciate it.
But it did feel a little bit like when, like, somebody's inviting their cousin to your house, and you're like, oh, he's such a great guy. You love him so much.
Don't be an asshole to him. No, but the truth is that we mean it.
Yeah, thank you. And we love you, and you're just a...
Well, I love you guys, too. And I have to say, this is very exciting for me because I've never seen Jason up this late.
And by the way, if at some point during the podcast he just gets up and leaves, don't be surprised. Yeah, yeah.
Every single time. He makes no bones about it, too, right? He'll just get up and leave.
And he and Amanda will often come to dinner or whatever, we all know, in separate cars. Yeah.
So that he's got an escape pod. Last night.
He lies. He's also a liar.
Yeah. Sure.
He lied to me last night. But it's funny that this is the big surprise.
I saw you guys last night. I'm going to see you again tomorrow.
I know. It's really another day.

It's very special.

Great merch, by the way.

So great.

It's subtle, right?

Which mall kiosk did you get this made of?

And I have to say, I made fun of the hats,

but I didn't know Zazzle was making motel keychains.

I don't, listen.

The keychains, by the way, guess whose idea the keychains were? Bullshit.

That was the...

Thank you. making motel keychains.
I don't, listen. The keychains, by the way, guess whose idea the keychains were? Bullshit.
That was a... Yeah.
They were. Who would use this? No, no, no, no.
Hang on a second. I may have said, now it's coming back to me, I may have said key fob.
That's like a motel... Oh, even better.
What key fob? You want key fob to? What are you like, oh, I have a Toyota Highlander. I need a 2018 key fob.
You want a key fob's gym? I'm going to destroy my marriage and cheat on my wife key fob. What is that? Wait, what's happening? Oh, but that's like terrible.
There's a key fob for the audience. A key fob is decorative.
So last night, Jason... I left before you came.
I pulled a bateman so i missed you i gotta be so i was honestly i was surprised that you guys weren't there and i thought wow this is really shitty of uh jimmy and molly not to be here tonight he took off before even i was tired we came late it was it was it was a dinner thing so did you but jason when you were i was walking in and then moments later you were leaving you were there. You said, and correct me if I misunderstood this, because I was trying to figure this out with my wife.
You said, I said, you're leaving, obviously. And you said, yeah.
I said, is Amanda, your wife, going with you? And you said, yeah, we rode together. And then you left.
And then about 45 minutes later, was amanda and i said jason she's like no we came in separate cars i don't remember saying that i'm not saying that i didn't well but uh you never know what stage of the gummy that you're getting is that what happened it was deep into the gummies no i just i don't know what what I'm saying when I'm leaving because I'm just trying to get the hell out of there. Yeah.
And not be like the dick that's saying goodbye and wrecking the thing. I learned that from you, though.
By the way, what time did you get there last night? Late. Sorry, guys, we'll be right with you.
Yeah. Jimmy, I got a...
Oh, you have mugs, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Buy all this shit you want.

So, Jimmy, you were on our show quite early on,

not as early as you should have been,

which was a big bone of contention.

But as we explained when you were on the show,

the three of us, nobody knew who to add.

And it became one of those, like,

well, when are we going to...

Well, who's going to have Jimmy on?

So it was quite late.

But you were on early, and you were an early... It's called being taken for granted.
Yes. Yes.
We can always get Jimmy. Let's take a swing at something.
But you were an early listener and you were somebody who had a lot of notes. I did, yeah.
I did. I still do.
This interview, you're out here tonight. We are interviewing you, but we really want to know what you think about our podcast.
Yeah, how we know. So it's kind of about us.
Well, I will be happy to share my notes. First of all, I love the podcast.
Honestly, no kidding around. I love listening to it.
It's great because I have to say, I don't think you need guests. I don't think that you need me here.
Thank you. Thank you.
Everybody, Jimmy and Kimmel. Exactly.
Good night, everybody. I love hearing you guys bust each other's balls.
I love hearing the stories. I love, oh, I love when you guys pretend to use the products in the commercials.
I love that. So, you know.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

I know Will's designing his own couch at home.

Yeah, of course, with all form.

Don't be a dick.

Did you know they make mattresses now?

Yes.

It's so crazy, right?

They're so comfortable.

Which one do I have?

I've got the organic hemp stuffed with hay or something in it.

You fight with your daughter over the fake chicken McNuggets.

Yeah.

Did I say that?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Listen, the checks are clearing, you guys. Do you? Jimmy, I...
You know what the truth... Sorry, go ahead, Sean.
Oh, no, I was going to ask a real question. Well, I just want to just...
Before we finish the commercial thing, it should be noted that we actually do legit use,

I'm not trying to buy back for the advertising.

I'm really not, but we weirdly legitimately do use a bunch of stuff. Three quarters of them, I think is fair.

Yeah, we won't say which ones we do.

Of course you do.

That would be foolish.

Of course you do.

Thank you.

We'll design these shoes on allform.com.

Enter SmartList20 for a 20% discount. Hey, they like our ad reads.
Let me go through the rest of the show. And this is not something we had planned, but I do have some thoughts on it.
Okay. One of my favorite moments in the show is right at the beginning.
One of you introduces his guest, and the guest is sometimes fantastic, and sometimes, I mean, they're usually pretty good. You know, they're at least usually pretty good.
Sometimes not so great. But there is a moment where the person who brought the guest is all on board, and then the other two are decided, there's two things going through the other two's mind, which is, number one, if the guest is interesting, oh, oh, oh, what were they in? What am I going to say to this person? And then the other one is trying to mask your disappointment.
So there's always like a moment of... A lot of tension.
And there's also, if you listen carefully, there's a Google search going on. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah. For sure.
I mean, sure. You know, what are you going to do?

Well, Will had the formula,

what is it?

Formula 41?

Formula 1?

Just one.

Just one.

Yeah.

Daniel Ricciardo,

which was a great episode.

Which is like,

yeah, and I was like,

oh, oh my God,

Daniel Ricciardo.

This is amazing. Ricky Ricciardo.
Oh, he races cars. Yeah, it was something like that.
The word car was right in his name the whole time. So I also believe that there's more that can be done.
And I know you guys are all very busy, but I think I would love to see a segment at the end of the show where you just take you read emails from your listeners. Yes, we have to do that.
We talked about that. Great.
Done. Yeah, done.
We talked about that. No, not necessarily.
But have you met people? These are good people here. I mean, look at this.
These people. No, these people are good.
Good save. Well, i think that was a good save how crazy is this i remember when you guys started this podcast you were talking about it and the big thing was most of the discussion was bateman complaining about having to pay an editor to do this and he's like you know we got we're doing this on our own you know we're we're funding this whole thing and i'm thinking what what are they funding zoom is free microphones are four hundred dollars and how much could you be paying the editor i mean you brought you brought up a very good point the the the the fellas that make this thing fly and you should thank right now, are here tonight.
Rob Armyard. Bennett Barbaco.
And Michael Granteri. Stand up and say, stand up! Where are they? Where are they? I can't see them.
I can't see them. They're here, though.
They're here somewhere. Without them, we'd have nothing.
I like that we're like, put the house lights up, and they're like, fuck you. Yes.
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All right, back to the show.

But what about a podcast

of your own? Are you sick of talking to people?

No, I don't need a podcast, but

this is enough. Wouldn't you

like a show where you can talk to people, though,

and interview them and stuff? You know what I mean? It would be fun. It would be nice to...
You know what I really like to do is to plug people's projects. That's my passion.
Imagine when you were a kid. When you were a kid, you were like, God, I just wish I could get to plug it.
You know what? I wish I could tell. I know there's no such thing as a Netflix yet, but if there is one, one day.
Would you, would you, would you guest host this? Oh, this is the best. This is my favorite part of the show.
Yeah, yeah. The very, the longest questions in the world, but not just the longest questions in the world, but also their're multiple choice.
And sometimes they're answered within the question. Yeah, absolutely.
And the multiple choices are not A, B, C, and D. They are just A and B.
But what if... Bucklehuh.
Buckle up.

Could we... What about if I hosted your show for a week

while you did this for a week,

then he did your show for a week, you did this.

Like, would you do this for three weeks

and we took turns doing yours?

100% of four.

All right.

That's four.

Are you sick of this already?

Nothing would make me happier than hosting your show for a week. To me, you have the best job in the world.
Oh, really? We'll get you a week right now if you'll commit to it. I think July.
Why don't we do Smartless Month? Yeah. Right? Why not? I would, I just, you just look like you're always having so much fun.
Yeah, really? Honestly. Do I really? Look at this face.
Does this look like I'm having fun? But you're so comfortable. Is he not, like, so comfortable up there? And it's so nice to, like, sit there in bed late at night.
You just kind of rock us to sleep, and we're out. And it's not...
It's a compliment. It's a compliment.
I know. I know it's a compliment.
compliment yeah and i would take it as a i would feel very touched if i didn't know for a fact that you are sound asleep at 9 45 every night i got one of those tivos you're right he is a liar yeah he's a liar and yeah and we should have known this from when you were a child actor we really should have known it now now you've been doing it for so you've been doing your show for so long and obviously are you talking about bateman or no you oh and and and i've heard rumors that you're going to be done in a year i've heard other rumors that you're going to do for seven more years like what how what are you feeling how are you feeling right here right now you know it is funny how interested people in, like, when I'm going to leave already.

Because the three of us are...

No, because we hope you never leave.

Yeah, that's what people say.

But I think it's like, like if we were at just a party right now and you guys kept asking me when I was going to leave.

Right, yeah.

It would be weird.

Yeah.

And I feel like that all the time now. No, no, no.
Is this something you want to do forever? What, forever? Your show, would you do it for another, for the same amount of time you've been doing it? I want to die. Talk very slowly.
I want to die. Die on stage.
On stage. You want to die on live TV.

Wouldn't that be the best?

I mean, the ratings would be tremendous.

The show...

I mean, the show itself is pre-taped, right?

So what does ABC do if I die during the show?

Do they air it?

Do they run that night's show?

Yes, of course.

Sure.

We want to see that.

Yeah, they tease the hell out of it.

Wait, wait, how are you dying? Massive heart attack. Sure.
And they see when they're friends. We want to see that.
Of course. Yeah, they tease the hell out of it.
Wait, wait, how are you dying? Massive heart attack. Sure.
Yeah. Because your chest just explodes at the desk.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah. I think that if you can do it during sweeps, it'd be fantastic.
Oh, that would be great. Yeah, at the end of sweeps.
Yeah, for sure. Yeah.
Well, what do they do? I mean, I should probably, like, set this up like a will where I tell them what my wishes are as if I were to die on the show I once had an overdose of Advil on the show where my head, I know it sounds ridiculous but it is possible. What's that look like? It looks like a pumpkin head it looks like your head expands Why were you taking it? Because it's delicious.
Have you had an Advil? They're like M&M's. They're candy coated.
There's a sweetness to them. Yes.
And they have a magic power that makes you forget how many you've already taken. Yeah.
Did you really have a bad reaction to it? I had a very bad reaction and the show was live at the time and so I started losing my voice. I might be having it now.
I started losing my voice and then my head started to swell up and by the end of the show my head was really big. And I was introducing Rick Springfield.
This was some time ago. And I've been on a long time now that I think of it.
Tracy doesn't even need to fill in on that right yeah she's got it exactly i did it and then i went directly to senior sign i to the hospital to the er yeah and they were like what what did you do and i said yeah on there i had by the way i have seen sean at the er have you really yes yeah this is no you didn't know that no yeah I not new. Yeah.
I took a friend of mine. I took a friend of mine, too.
Right, exactly. Sometimes we have a little double date.
We go to the ER with our friends. The cafeteria is delicious.
But yeah, I was sitting in a corner with my friend who was sick, and you were standing up there, and I was like, Jimmy? And you were like, Sean? And we're like, what's going on? And you're like, oh, I got to go. I'm getting called in through your warm-up guy.
Yeah, my warm-up guy was having a panic attack and thought he was having a heart attack, so I had to dig him in his hospital. So you took Advil? And you had a friend there who was a famous person.
We shouldn't mention who it was. Yeah.
And they were like... But you will anyway.
They paid a lot of good money, Sean. Let's do it.
This was staying with me and and and i took her to the er because she was having uh diverticulitis yeah right right yummy and i had a chat with the nurse and i got you guys in yes you did you know what the thing great thing is um the nurse cut let you cut ahead of some people who were very were bleeding And I just, you know what I did? You must have been a big fan. I looked at the room.
I sized it up. I saw these bleeding guys.
I was like, what are they going to really contribute to society? It's Thursday night at one o'clock in the morning. I mean, they're bleeding.
They were probably up to no good. Let's get, let's get this woman in, how well do you know your way around Cedars? Oh, like the back of my hand.
You do? Absolutely. Yeah, because I get, here we go.
I get AFib, right? So you know what atrial fibrillation is, right? Where your heart goes like this. Yeah, it's actually.
I don't know where we're talking. It goes like this.
And so I'm like Norm from Cheers.

I just go in there like,

hey, Sean, come on right in.

And they put propofol in,

which is fantastic.

And then they knock my heart back

and I go home.

And it happens all the time.

They do that.

Yeah, they do that.

Yeah, one time it happened in New York

and they put me out

and I don't think they gave me enough.

And I'm not kidding.

They went and I woke up and I go, this is amazing. Yeah, I thought it was the most incredible feeling in that moment.
Sean, do you have a nickname? Sean, do you have a nickname? No, what would my nickname be? Well, because I feel like I just came up with a great nickname for Sean. Is it Paddles? It's Paddles.
It's Paddles. I mean, come on.
Do they say clear? I don't know. I'm out.
I'm out. Do you have a set of Paddles at home? No, no.
But I did say, maybe you said this on the podcast, I don't know. But I, you know.
So I, yeah, so I, but the last time I went, this is fascinating. Forgive me if I already told you this.
I went in there, and this is unbelievable. It never happened to me before.
I'm there, and my heart is pounding, and I go, I'm getting ready to go under, and the doctor says, okay, it's going in your veins now. I was like, oh, my God.
And I shaking, which is a whole other story because I have a side effect. So I'm going like this.
Like a beef paddle shakes or something. And so he's like, just try to relax.
I was like, okay. And then the nurse goes, did you feel it? And I go, what? She goes, the procedure.
I'm like, what? She goes, yeah, we already did it. I'm like, what are you talking about? I like transport, I time traveled.
It was like 20 minutes. It was, I've never experienced that.
That sounds fantastic. That's paddles for you.
Wow. Hugging paddles.
That's classic paddles. I was trying to work on a joke like the first time Bateman got laid that she was either like, what, already happened? You know what I mean? But I'm not doing that.
Speaking of Bateman getting laid. Bateman getting laid.
I just want to say this. Jason Bateman might be the most interesting person I know.
I'm not joking. First of all, I think my wife would disagree with that.
You hear little bits and pieces of the tales of the old days, which I was not around to witness, but it's like, you know, it's like you did play Teen Wolf, and it's like there was a... Two.
Also. Also.
Also. Teen Wolf also.
Yeah, it was T-double-O. It wasn't T-W-O.
It was also.

In a way, you are Teen Wolf because, you know,

you appear to be normal,

and then there's this other guy who's this raging maniac, right?

Right?

Yes, right.

You never met the maniac.

I did meet the maniac, but I didn't know the maniac.

The maniac may have been doing something illegal backstage on... Oh, you did meet the maniac? Yeah, I met the maniac, yeah.
Oh, God. I just didn't know why the maniac was the maniac.
You understand what I'm saying? I think so. We got paddles.
Maybe Coke Wolf will be the character. Will be the character from now on.
But that aside,

I mean,

that's a whole thing

just right there.

Oh,

I remember that.

I was there that night,

too,

Andy Dick.

Were you there that night?

Yeah.

Wait a second.

With you, dude.

Wait,

are you being serious?

On my kid's life,

we went there together?

Sure we did.

We must,

we must dig up that clip

of your interview on the show that night and watch it together and perhaps do it on the podcast so others can enjoy as well. This reminds me of the other time.
I think we've already told this on the podcast. Yeah, so did we talk about the first time that I met Jason? And he said, no, second, we were doing Arrested Development.
He's like, man, I wish we just, this is when he was still partying. He was like, I wish we had just partied together once now because you don't party.
I wish we just partied together. Because Will had shut it down.
I was still a year or two away from shutting it down. It would have been awesome if we partied.
I go, we did. And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, like five years ago, we went out.
We had a big night. You were with a friend of a friend, and he had done this show.
We had a big night, and I remember he was so cool because we went to this bar. We got all hammered, and then he, like, not cool, but he got in his car, and he sped away, and I was like, this guy's a badass.
He doesn't give a shit. He had a candle on his dashboard.

So bad. He had a lit candle on his fucking dashboard.

Yeah, wait a minute.

What?

Wait.

I swear.

I know.

Why?

Ask any questions you want.

Go ahead.

Why?

Yeah, why?

Why did you light a candle on your dashboard?

Were your headlights out?

I don't know. I don't know.
I was driving a vehicle that had a dashboard that had a little cutout on top of it that just screamed, put a Regal candle on me. That's incredible.
And that was just my roadie candle. A fucking idiot.
And I would light that thing and it would be blazing on my dashboard while I'm driving when I shouldn't so that the cops can see this dick's got a candle. I gotta pull.
It's so stupid. Every night.
By the way, instead of mugs, instead of keychains,

maybe dashboard candles.

That's the smart list.

There you go.

That's great.

You sell a lot of those.

You're right.

That's a great idea.

So, even the drugs aside,

whenever I mention some weird random celebrity to Jason, it's become like a game that I don't know that he knows I'm playing. It's like a Bateman roulette.
He has a great story about everyone. All the time.
And actually, right before the show, we were upstairs and somebody mentioned that Jason, right now, just because he's, look, he's so handsome. We love him.
And with his haircut right now, he's about to get a cut that he looks like Christy McNichol. Right.
We said, and so, of course, the obvious question is, as we're all laughing, is, oh, by the way, hey, Bateman, do you know Christy McNichol? That's a legitimate question. He did it, but he admitted that he had a huge crush on her.
Yeah, huge. And then he had a dream about it.
He had a dream about her, and then he went jogging with his dad that morning after his dream, and he let his dad go ahead because as he was jogging, he was weeping. It's like sixth grade.
Yeah, because I had it bad. Crying.
Anyway, I don't i don't know so now i grow my hair out like her so you went jogging with your dad yeah i was right i love that's your takeaway instead of the crime i don't know i'm trying to imagine myself jogging with my dad and i'm not seeing by the By the way, me too. Yeah.
Yeah.

Wait, your dad,

your dad did go jogging.

He just went in a straight line.

Still jogging.

Still jogging. Still running.

Still running away.

And I can't catch up to him.

So, um.

So anyway,

so he's got all these random people.

Yeah, so I wrote down some names

and I just figured I'd throw some by you. Oh, my God.
He's great. You didn't know any of them.
Mr. T.
I knew him pretty good. Wait a minute.
Lay it out. I don't know that.
You did?

He knew him pretty good.

No one knows him pretty good.

I mean, well, not great.

Not great.

Well, the first place, my head goes to child adult.

Why hanging out?

My mom became friends with... Mrs.
T. She was really good.
She was tight with Mrs. T.
Sure, go ahead. My mother became friends with some personal trainer she met on a plane.
She was a flight attendant. And he was Mr.
T's trainer. And then Mr.
T and I met. And then we rekindled when he was guesting on Different Strokes, which I was filming next door to.
And that was sort of... Fantastic.
You know, so that qualifies. You know, I once saw Mr.
T. I was getting on a plane in New York to come here years ago.
And there was like a jam up at the front door, and it was because Mr. T and Flavor Flavor were talking in the aisle really loudly.
It was an incredible... Is that true? Yeah.
It was an incredible moment. He probably wanted to know what time it was.
Well, he pitied the fool who didn't know what time it was. Go ahead.
All right. Bill Cosby.
Oh. Be careful.
Pass. No.
I knew him only from when he was starting the Cosby show. We were in New York doing all the up front sales for stuff.
I was on a show that was on NBC.

Cosby show was on NBC.

We were at the same table together, and we talked, and we had a good time. Well, these are boring stories.
Yeah, I don't have any dirt on those guys. I didn't say they're good stories.
I said he knows these people. Oh, okay.
Wait, so did you know him for a long time? No, no. No, no.
Okay. One conversation, one table, a professional event.
Okay. Next question.
What about OJ? Simpson, specifically. it.
No, but we were at but I was at that Buffalo Bills game where he was on the sideline doing the reporting where he was wearing the shoes that they zoomed in on, and I was there because I was buddies with Jim Kelly at the time, and he was playing quarterback for the Buffalo Bills. Yeah, this with Jim Kelly? Yeah, this is getting better.
The quarterback for the Buffalo Bills? Yeah, there's a good story there, but we don't have time. Ronald Reagan.
You ever meet Ronald Reagan? I did not. Oh, okay.
I was going to go wild. I know.
All right. Janet Jackson.
Oh, yeah. I went to school with Janet Jackson.
Are you serious? We went to...

On the Universal lot?

Close.

I went to this poor excuse for a school called Valley Professional School

where kids who are trying to make it in show business

go because it's only from 8 to 12, so you can go do auditions after 12. And it was like in a mini mall deep in the North Valley, and she went to school there.
Some ice skaters went there, and that was just before the following year I went to a school called Heartlight where... Neil Diamond and this school this had nothing to do with Janet Jackson but it's a good story this school was very progressive such that uh there were city days and country days and the country days you went to this dude's house in Calabasas I had the greatest parents in the world you guys so.
So you go to this dude's house Monday, Wednesday, Friday out in Calabasas and you do some school. There's only like six kids in the whole school.
And on city days, you get onto this bus, a full school bus, that the back half was converted into school desks and the front half are regular seats because you would go and you'd visit all the cultural sites in Los Angeles but because we're in Calabasin the traffic is so bad you can do schoolwork in the back of the bus on the way to these fucking things and I think we paid my parents paid my mom they didn't I paid for this shitty experimental school that wasn't accredited And so, this is why I'm so stupid. Listen to the schools I go to.
So did you and Janet hang out? Were you friends? We were pretty friendly. That's nice.
She's great. If you were to call her now, she would answer? We'd have funny stories about ballet professionals.
You would. When was the last time you spoke to Janet Jackson? It was sixth grade.
No way, really?

I think so.

Sean and I did an episode of Will and Grace with Sean,

and I played one of her background dancers.

Yeah, that was a good one.

No, but Sean and I had a dance-off.

Yeah.

How'd that go?

Let's go.

No, God, no.

I don't remember.

Let's go.

I don't remember

let's go

I don't remember

but Sean

5 6 7 8

boom

that was it

that was it

but you know what

that was

that was right after

Nipplegate

right

and

and so

that was nice of her

to come on

because she was

you know it wasn't the best time for her we'll be right back hey guys you want to know an easy genius hack to improve your life eat more Reese's peanut butter cups sure there are countless life coaches gurus and thought leaders out there But none of them are sharing this simple secret Eating a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup brings a burst of joy to your day They've got the perfect ratio of sweet chocolate to salty peanut butter that's sure to satisfy And there's no wrong way to eat one It's all about whatever makes you happy I should speak, right? I love them.

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Hilton for the stay. Our show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
Hey guys, everybody should have a support system, right? Who's your support system? My support system, as you well know, talk about all the time, is Scotty. And of course, my two besties, Will and Jason.
Whenever I have a problem, an issue, I talk to them about it. And if they're not available, I will talk to a therapist.
And I've been going to therapy for a long time and it's always great. So think about your favorite leaders, mentors, and idols.
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And now back to the show.

Lucille Ball.

Oh.

Did you meet Lucy?

I did not.

Oh.

How old do you think I am?

And then you ran... I'm not suggesting you were in school bus school together.

School bus school school... Never met Lucy.
Never met Lucy. school together.
School.

Never met Lucy.

Never met Lucy.

Alright, one more.

Yeah. Hulk Hogan.

Never.

Never.

You've disappointed everyone.

Sorry.

Let me just toss it in the same area.

Lou Ferrigno.

Yes.

I have a story

Thank you. Let me just toss it in the same area.
Lou Ferrigno. Yes.
I have a story about Lou Ferrigno when you're done. I played the Dodgers, the greatest baseball team in the history of sports.
Wait a minute. Why would they be the greatest baseball team in the history of sports? Wouldn't they just be the greatest team in the history of...
I haven't had a great education, Jimmy. Oh, right.
So, the Dodgers have this great celebrity baseball game every year, and I was lucky enough to play in it one year, and I somehow closed my eyes and put the bat on the ball and hit a gapper into right-center field. Lou Ferrigno was playing right field, and I hit it right past the sprinting Lou Ferrigno.
It hit the wall. I hit it off Tony Danza, by the way.
And Lou threw a seed back into the infield. There was a play at the plate.
I got an inside the park home run at Dodger Stadium. It was pretty good.
Wow. Wow.
But that's a legit Lou Ferrigno story. Yeah.
You're telling me you hit a line drive into right field and managed to get all the way home and there were no errors committed? No, Lou had real skills. Now, Jonathan Silverman may have overthrown the home plate, but did we give you that hat and that motel keychain? I don't know if he gave it to me.
It was sitting in a pile in the room in the prison cell you had me in before i came out here oh everyone's so like they can't see you if they they see you they cannot see you but meanwhile back to the critiquing of the podcast okay yeah there's this big mystery of who the guest is going to be and you know it's like oh there's so much mystery meanwhile's so much mystery. Meanwhile, when we're listening, the name's right there on the phone.
I know, but it's... No, no.
It's only a mystery to you guys. It's not a mystery to us.
But that's kind of the fun. There's no mystery for us.
Okay. Oh, there's no mystery for them.
For us, there is. Yeah, right.
For the listener. Oh, yeah.
For the people listening, there's nothing. But for you guys, there's a real run.
That's a really good point.

Okay, okay.

Except on tour.

It's something that we, I thought about that,

but what do you want us if we can just take the name off?

Do you guys want us to take the name off so you don't know?

No, no, no, no, no.

Fight it out.

Fight it, guys.

No, wait a minute.

But it was an idea born of laziness.

And Will and I were trying to remember whose idea it was.

that you can see. Guys.
No, wait a minute. But it was an idea born of laziness.
And Will and I were trying to remember whose idea it was. You're saying it's yours.
I can't remember who it was. But it was basically like, it was yours.
Because we didn't want to do any prep. You know, we're just like, if I don't know who it is, then I'm going to ask really organic questions as opposed to thinking them through.

Organic is a great word for it. What does it mean? I hear it all the time.

No, wait a minute.

You didn't learn that at a stoplight of a little shirt?

You guys...

Hey, guys, this is a long light.

So...

In World War II,

you guys vacation a lot together. Or not a World War II, you guys

vacation a lot together. Or not

a lot, but sometimes you guys vacation. We do.

Do you have any kind of crazy Jason

Bateman stories from vacation? Crazy?

I mean, all he does is listen to... I'm going to take a lot

of fire. What about some funny stories about this

guy on vacation? I'm normal.

I'm normal. He's pretty normal.

Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, there are

certain things that... I mean, it's interesting

that you can be so

tan in...

Thank you. He's pretty normal.
Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, there are certain things that, I mean, it's interesting that you can be so tan in December.
In February. In England.
In England under an umbrella. And then you say you're not using any kind of a tanning cream.
And to prove it, and this is the best thing, he makes us look at his feet. You feet you know what i feel like right now we're gonna find some weird sex thing up about you that you like you're really into like showing women your feet or something like yeah and like we'll go oh yeah he used to do that with the tanning thing and then even when we did the smartless podcast at the orpheum he took off his shoe and he quickly showed his foot to everyone.
He can't stop. I legitimately don't do anything weird.
And I'm probably very sort of boring in that way. And yes, you show the feet because people who get spray tan, and I know some people who have had it done.
Who? I'm not going to say Justin Theroux on the stage. Why would I fucking say it? And then he's going to hear about it and he's going to be mad.
So I'm just like not going to say it not on the show and you can see streaks on your feet. like full Giuliani on your body.
He's got to say you'll never catch Justin throwing the rain. You'll never see a photo of him in the rain.
Can't do it. But I've gotten to the point now where people say you're tan and I just say thank you.
But I have like a real farmer's tan now. It's like a golf tan.
Oh yeah, you're a real farmer. I know.
Like a gentleman farmer. I was thinking, what was I thinking about? You said one of your stories.
Rick Springfield. Did I tell you guys, did I tell the story on the show about, made me think of

Bruce Springsteen. Did I tell you about

meeting Bruce Springsteen? No, everybody

confused. Yeah, he even made a song about it.

They call me Bruce. So one, this is years ago.

I was in New York

at Barney's

on like a Wednesday, this old clothing

store on the Upper East Side of New York,

at like 11 o'clock on a Wednesday. There was nobody up there.
And I see Bruce Springsteen in there clothes shopping. And he's not obviously going to try stuff on in the change room.
He's just got like a pile on the counter and he's just going to take it all home with him and then I guess send back whatever he doesn't like or doesn't fit or whatever, right? So legitimately, just the two of us.

So he puts it on there, and then there's a guy

working at the counter

and sees, and Bruce

Springsteen says, hey, can I just

I just want to put this on my

account. That's a great Bruce Springsteen.

Thanks, man. Thank you.

If I close my eyes, it's like I'm at the store with you.

And he says

and the guy goes

and the guy goes, no problem. And he grabs the phone

Thank you. And he says, and the guy goes, no problem.
And he grabs the phone and he goes, no, no. And he goes, I've got Rick Springfield here.
True story. And I was just behind Springsteen as this happens.
And he goes, Rick Springfield, you want to? And to his credit, Springsteen goes, it's Bruce Springsteen. And the guy's like, I mean Bruce Springsteen, and to his credit, Springsteen goes,

it's Bruce Springsteen.

And the guy's like,

I mean,

Bruce Springsteen,

and then hangs up.

And then he was,

and he kind of laughed,

and he turned to me,

and he just said,

my kids would love it,

it's fine.

The guy was so fucking mortified.

Wow.

Yeah.

Got all the clothes for free.

It was a great moment.

Great moment.

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

And that's what closed Barneys. That's what it does.
That story closed Barneys. Now, you're having us over tomorrow for Super Bowl.
Very nice of you. Thank you.
You used to have a lot of football gatherings every weekend. Why did that stop? Did Molly get pissed off? No, no.
Actually, my cousin Sal, who kind of organized the whole thing, took mercy on me because I was spending the whole day Saturday preparing for the Sunday. You cook because Jimmy cooks everything.
The most incredible cook ever. And then Sunday would be me feeding those animals.
This went on for like 11 years and finally he's like, this is enough. This is too much for you.
So you like cooking for that many people? Don't you like maybe taking a break and having somebody cook for you? Like, do you always do that? Oh, yes. Sometimes I go to restaurants even.
What do we got tomorrow? What are you cooking up tomorrow? Tomorrow, smoked pastrami, smoked chicken wings. My mother's making a vegan chili.
The greatest mother. I'm making a big sandwich that has grilled zucchini and melted cheese and arugula on it.
Ribs. Can we do part of that with no zucchini? Yeah, can you take the zucchini off? Just if I can make a request?

Yeah.

No problem.

Just on a quarter of it?

Yeah.

Now, is half of that marinating right now?

Like, did you prep today?

I grilled the zucchini today, yeah.

Okay.

You toss it out.

You need to toss it out.

I learned...

Wait, but what...

Who makes a...

I'd have never even heard of a zucchini...

Look at how mad you are.

Why are you so mad?

He gets so mad.

Because who's here's of a zucchini sandwich?

You know why?

Because he's hungry.

He needs popcorn.

What?

He's hungry.

Who's ever heard of a zucchini sandwich?

That's terrible.

But you know what?

Look, look, he gets, he hasn't had anything to eat for like 45 minutes.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

My blood sugar's dropping.

First of all.

I also gotta get him some food.

Great, because I made it for you, number one, because you eat like a princess. Yeah.
I'm going to go outside my comfort zone tomorrow. Do you want me to get you some popcorn? No, I had a bunch of, I'm not going to crap for a week.
Let's get some popcorn. Can we get some popcorn? Can we get some popcorn? Maybe some popcorn.
Let's get some popcorn. Thanks, man.
Thank you, honey. Oh, this is great.
Thanks so much. Just bring it right over here.
Thank you. This is a goody, JB.

And Will.

Yeah, he's looking snacky.

Give me your shoes right now.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You want my shoes?

No, because then it'll have to be shoeless.

Yeah.

No streaks.

Yeah, but there's zero tan on those feet.

Zero tan on the feet.

Okay, yeah, I don't need it.

Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston.
Oh, my God, Jenny! Oh, my God! I thought I heard that laugh backstage. Jen, will you grab me a sparkling water, please? By the way, it's so funny because it was very nice when you guys applauded when I came out.

When these guys came out, it felt like real enthusiasm.

It definitely made me feel good.

And then Jennifer Aniston comes out.

You're like, oh, we're a bunch of fucking slugs.

The best.

The best.

There you go, buddy.

All right, so I'm going to go outside my comfort zone tomorrow.

I'm going to have ribs.

Yeah.

I'm going to have what else?

What else is off the cow?

You're not going to have any of these things.

Let's be honest.

You're going to sit there and pretend to be eating.

No, no.

So you can imagine.

To be fair, what about last night?

I mean, I was just a shit pig last night.

I put everything in me last night. Yeah.
If you're videoing this illegally, please put just that clip on the internet. I put everything in me last night.
Thank you. Thank you in advance.
And then follow it with, do I have 2B? Yeah. Hey, you want to know what? Yeah.
This is true. We told some other people before.
2B, since December, this is not a joke, has gone up 40%. Yeah.
It's true. It's true.
But what's 40% on 2B? It eight people? Who's going to win the game tomorrow, Jimmy? Oh, I don't know. Wait, wait.
Do you know who's playing tomorrow? Of course I know who's playing. Who? Well, the Bengals and the Rams.
All right, good. Or, as everyone says all the time, the Bengals and the Rams, as if Susanna Hoffs and the game are taking on Matt Stafford.
I mean, it's ridiculous. Bengals and Jaguars.
Those are the two things that just make every hair on my body stand up when I'm watching football. I want to get back to Bateman's eating for one second.
Yeah. And that is the title of his new book, Jason Bateman eating for one second.
When we were on the road, the food shame was off the charts. Oh, really? Oh, constantly gauging, what are you having? What are you eating? I'm not going to have that now.
It's way too late. It was crazy.
Right, John? Yeah, and then he's... Well, I get nightmares if I have it too late.
Right? You eat too late, the demons come. He's the king of like, hey, I'm going to order some dessert.
I'm not eating any dessert. Three, two, one.
What do you got there? Yeah. Yeah.
You started, I finished it. He just used that term.
He said he was doing the ordering for the room service. We all stayed in the same room on tour, every city.
It was such a mistake. And every night, and so Jason's ordering dinner one night, and he's taking the order from all of us, and then he goes, he's got the person on the line, and then he goes, and he turns to Sean and goes, what do you want, shit pig? And the person like imagine is like, what the fuck is going on? And I'm like, I said, I'll have the spare ribs and he goes, yeah, the pig will have some spare ribs.
It's all good fun. It is all good fun.
See, you couldn't resist the popcorn, huh? No, I love it so much. Skinny Pop, the best popcorn in the world.

Where's the camera?

Not a sponsor.

Speaking of fun, Jimmy, it's been so fun having you.

Thank you for coming here.

That's it, it's over.

Jimmy Kimmel!

No, no, I'm fine.

I'd like to watch the rest of the show.

We love you. We thank you.
You're the best. Well, thanks.
I know. You know what? Thank you for doing that.
I appreciate it. I appreciate all of you for coming here tonight.
And I also want to make one more comment about the show. Yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead. Thank you, Jen.
You guys realize you can't do the rest without shoes. Go ahead, Jimmy.
Yeah. No, I love the show.
I'm glad that I feel like it's so exciting to see all these people come to see you guys do this, which really came out of just a very private conversation between the three of you. And then sometimes really good and sometimes not so good guests.
And it is, I'm so happy for you and I hope you guys are appreciative of this, of the magic that this is because it is a magical thing. These people are here.
And to hear the way, the dismissive way you talk about them off the air is just, I just find it offensive.

I know, me too, and I tell them all the time, I find it very offensive. I'm with you.

But these are the best.

Yeah, these are the best.

They're the best, yeah.

Thank you, buddy.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you.

Love you, Robbie. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Keep it going. Well, nice going.
Really nice going, right? We just wanted to, it was so fun having somebody who's important to us out here for the last night. You guys are here at the last show of the tour.

Yes, thank you. Thank you for being here.
I've said it to Jimmy's face on his show. I say it all the time that he's one of the kindest.
He really is everything you think he is. He's one of the kindest, most generous people in the business.
We all love him. And something you should know.
He said, if any of our guests dropped out on this tour all over the country over this last week,

we could have been a good time. and we all love him.
And something you should know, he said if any of our guests dropped out on this tour all over the country over this last week, week and a half, he says, I will get on a plane and I will fly there and I will sit there. I swear to God, true story.
And yeah, he jokes around a lot, but he does really have, he's just got such a squishy sort of center and he's always the first,

yeah, he really does.

He's like the guy who will just always offer to help or do whatever.

It's amazing.

On top of being incredibly hilarious

and just super super.

And a gorgeous hard candy shell on the outside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Back to food.

So.

Yeah.

You've got to get that looked at.

But anyway, so thank you guys so much. I mean, just been incredible I'm not no I feel Sean thinking right there's a fucking smoke coming out of his ears trying to work on you know what he's trying to do I just wish you know I just wish we could have spent more time with Jen, you know? Yeah.
But... Because she was so nice to be here.
Get out of here! Get out of here! Come on! Come on, yeah! I don't want to do this.

Just say, just say hi.

Hi, everybody, and thank you for coming.

Hi, everybody.

Thank you for coming.

And if you were...

Okay, I think this has been really a lovely, lovely evening,

and I wish I could just come up with something,

something sort of... Just say something simple.
Something to say simple. like something to say simple.
Something like at the end of something.

Oh you're like like goodbye!

Thank you so much! Thank you, Mellie! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you.
Bless.

Smart.

Bless.

Smartless is 100% organic and artisanally handcrafted by Rob Armjarf, Bennett Barbaco, and Michael Grantary.

Smart. Bless.
and Michael Grantary. Smart Less.
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