"Kumail Nanjiani"

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Speaker 1 Scotty and I are here in England still, right in London. And before we leave, we're talking about going to Paris while we're over here because it's like, when are we going to be over here again?

Speaker 1 And so we might take a day just to go over to Paris. And we talked about how great it would be to use Rosetta Stone to learn just a little bit of French before we go.
It's French, right?

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Speaker 2 So

Speaker 1 listener, this is a threesome intro.

Speaker 1 And we just let's not, can we not? Well, I think it's it's it's safer to call it that so that there's no

Speaker 1 surprises.

Speaker 1 You know, let's label it as dangerous as possible. Let's establish some rules and then enjoy the threesome.
You know,

Speaker 1 should we say our names in the threesome? It's better not to know your names.

Speaker 1 What would your safe word be? Well, let's just start by cutting all these lights.

Speaker 1 I just know that darkness is usually the best. Just let whatever happens, happen.
Yeah, that my safe word is chicken and waffles. Chicken and waffles.
Okay. And this is very dark in here now.

Speaker 1 This is great. Okay.
And I will just mine will be Constantinople. And what about yours, friend? With the ooh, that's Hansie.
Was that you?

Speaker 1 I'm done. You're already finished.
Huh? Well, then let's get to the show. Here's Smartless.
Smart.

Speaker 1 Sean, now you were going to say something of great importance. No, I just said I have two openers.
I could tell you about my colonoscopy, or we could talk about Scotty's birthday today.

Speaker 1 Oh, what do you mean? Two openers? Two openers. Do you think about what you're going to talk about before we come on? Well, just before I came on, I was like, oh, it's Scotty's birthday.

Speaker 1 And I wanted to tell you about my colonoscopy. Well, first, we don't have to call them openers.
Okay. First of all, I know you hate that.

Speaker 1 You hate that.

Speaker 1 Guys, let's not fight already. Let me just say this.
If you can't decide whether to talk about your husband's birthday or your colonoscopy,

Speaker 1 then

Speaker 1 you guys are in trouble. They are synonymous.
Well, they're very.

Speaker 1 I mean. Anyway, well, when was your colonoscopy? How did it go?

Speaker 1 Well, colonoscopy is really fast. I mentioned this to Jason the other day, and he's like, You got to tell this on the podcast.

Speaker 1 So, when I had earlier this summer, I had my colonoscopy, and I was like, I got to think of something right before I go under. And so,

Speaker 1 why do you have to think of it? Because

Speaker 1 you want to entertain the group. I just want to go out on a joke.
Go out on a joke. In case you don't come back, you want to be able to do the last thing that you made doctors laugh.
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like you open, you would understand what you

Speaker 1 can't understand what you're talking about. You thought about an opener for today, so you were thinking about a closer for your colonoscopy.
Keep going.

Speaker 1 And now, chew. go ahead sean

Speaker 1 and chew

Speaker 1 um no so you know i i was in the little operating room there's like two nurses the doctor the anesthesiologist whatever and you're on your side with your ass hanging out bare ass and i go let me know when the propofol goes in you know the anesthesia and they go okay it's going in i go and they go count backwards from 10 and i go 10 9 whatever you do don't touch my asshole and then i was out

Speaker 1 And did you ask for a review of your joke when you woke up? Great question. Did it work? Nobody cared.

Speaker 1 But did they laugh? I think I heard a couple chuckles as I was leaving. Don't you touch my asshole.

Speaker 1 Imagine the jokes they get.

Speaker 1 I know

Speaker 1 that accountants decide to make in those moments. Or Sean.
Or Sean. I remember being real lippy when I woke up and still kind of somewhat inebriated from the anesthesia.

Speaker 1 I made

Speaker 1 inappropriate jokes to the doctor there. He's a professional.
Don't you sleep really well after that, though? I love it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So how were things? Did they

Speaker 1 fly out? Everything's

Speaker 1 he said you might want to think about losing a couple pounds, but other than that. No, he didn't.
Did he really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
What? You're not having that. Because I have it.

Speaker 1 It's such a long story. I had an endoscopy too, and I have like a tiny, what is it? What does that mean?

Speaker 1 Something through the mouth? You know, they look down your throat to look at your stomach as well as your asshole. Did the two cameras meet somewhere in the middle, like around your stomach?

Speaker 1 Did they get that? Yeah, we got coverage. We got coverage.
Does they have a special camera that can get through chin chin food in the stomach that can burrow?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No. Anyway, I've been.
How is hydro hypochondriacer going? He did really well. That's right.
And I feel like we're on an episode right now. I know.
Forget it. Let's move on.
No, let's not move on.

Speaker 1 Let's move on to your husband's birthday. Yeah, no, it's good.
Thank you. What did you get Scotty for his birthday? So I got him.
You guys are going to love this. I got him some Rayban suggestions.

Speaker 1 I got him some Ray-Ban sunglasses. He wanted some Calvin Clan underwear.
He wanted Viore shorts because he loves the ones I always wanted to do. You bought him shorts and sunglasses.
Yeah, Viore.

Speaker 1 He wanted more shorts. But this is the greatest thing.
He wanted the Godfather trilogy, 50th anniversary. Oh, my God.
You got him VHS tapes, shorts, and sunglasses.

Speaker 1 I would punch you in the face, then break up with you.

Speaker 1 They're not VH.

Speaker 1 I called Sean the other day. I called Sean the other night and they were having friends over and they were watching, they were watching Rogue One.
Yep. You know why?

Speaker 1 Because you hadn't been more bored. Because they couldn't be more bored.
Is that why? Is the answer? Because they couldn't be more fucking bored. That's such a good movie.
I love that movie. Okay.

Speaker 1 And then we were because we were getting ready to watch Andor, which is the prequel to Rogue One. Rogue One, Get Ready.
Is there like hamstrings? You watch the Rogue One. Andor.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I heard about that. I like to refer to no, but as in, are you going to watch it? No, but that's because I'm a fucking grown-up.

Speaker 1 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to watch it. I can't wait for you to steal that joke at your next Boar Fest.
I can't wait for the fucking. Oh, my God.
It's so early. I feel like we're on tour again.
I know.

Speaker 1 I feel, it's terrible. And we're eating, and then we're just lazy.
Oh, God. Okay, here we go.
Just one eating.

Speaker 1 This fellow was not born in this country today. He was.
Oh, let's get to the guest. In college, he double-majored in philosophy and computer science, and he comes from a family of doctors.
What? Yep.

Speaker 1 He really broke the pattern, though, when moving to the United States to pursue acting and comedy.

Speaker 1 One of his inspirations when breaking into comedy was Hugh Grant's performance in Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Speaker 1 Well, now he's inspiring me and the masses because he's a freaking comedy genius. Please welcome the brilliant, Oscar-nominated Kamal Nanjiani.
No way.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, guys. Wow.
Wait a second. second.
Wait a second.

Speaker 1 This is Will's co-star. Wait a second.
Wait a second. How's it going? Really?

Speaker 2 Just as exciting as you and McGregor are?

Speaker 1 Camille. Wow.
Only the beginning. This is so on brand for Kamal now because he's going to put us in a tough spot.
He came out with a question, which is what I love about him.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 he never rests. Wait, so have you guys, you guys all know each other? Because Kamal, we've never met.
We've never met.

Speaker 1 Kamale and I did. Kamal very kindly did season one of Murderville, and he was,

Speaker 1 I got to say this, you were brilliant. Very much so.
I will

Speaker 1 thank you.

Speaker 2 I had such a great time. What a great idea for a show.

Speaker 1 For those of it, for Tracy, if you haven't seen it, it's a scripted show, except for the guest. And me and Jason just experienced this because we were just on.

Speaker 1 The guest has no lines, no knowledge of anything that's going on. So they kind of have to go with Will, who guides you through the episode.
That's right.

Speaker 1 Based on an English show called Murder and Successful created by the brilliant Tom Davis. And we were lucky enough to come and bring and do our version here.
And Camille was in season one.

Speaker 1 And how did you enjoy it, Camille?

Speaker 2 I had a great time. It was thrilling because you really, it's like, and you guys don't cheat at all.
So in between takes, I'm in a separate room. Nobody's talking to me.

Speaker 2 Will, you didn't talk to me as well until we wrapped. So I really had like, you really sort of have no idea.
It's action. You walk into a scene.

Speaker 2 It was thrilling because I didn't have to sort of prepare. And sometimes, you know, I get like like nervous about that stuff.
But it was great.

Speaker 2 And it was honestly, I was kind of trying to like paint you into a corner a bunch of times, Will.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you wouldn't have it.
It was really impressive. You can't, you can't beat Terry Seattle.
It was really tough.

Speaker 2 I really was like, there was one moment off camera where I was like, I got him. I fucking got this guy.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 2 I don't remember what it was exactly, but I remember being like, I was just riffing with you off camera and I said something and I was like, watch him wriggle out of this. And then I did.
You got out.

Speaker 1 Infuriating. Or is when you asked me to do an impression of you?

Speaker 2 No, that was on camera, and that was very funny. That was very good.

Speaker 1 But I got, but experiencing it on my end, I truly am not just saying this.

Speaker 1 There's no one more brilliant at improv and moving things along than Mr. Will Arnett.
Oh.

Speaker 1 And Jason Bateman. Thank you, Sean.
It's true. It's true, it's true.
It's Will. You know,

Speaker 1 you know who could, Vince Vaughan is very, very good at SUI. I will say that.
Well, we don't need to get into other people who aren't. I'm just saying, you know, we're going to have like.

Speaker 1 Peter Sellers was good, too. Hey, listen.
But

Speaker 1 Kumail, so these guys, Sean and Jason.

Speaker 2 Those are the three greats of improv. Will our name? Peter Sellers and Vince Vaughn.

Speaker 1 They're fine. Yeah, they're Mount Rushmore, if you will.

Speaker 1 Kumail, these guys came and did it just recently. Sean and Jason did.
We're doing a big Christmas special, holiday special. Laugh, man.
And we had a lot of fun, and they got to see firsthand.

Speaker 1 Jason was sequestered for two days in a trailer with no Wi-Fi. Yeah.
Or water or food. Yeah.
I thought that was excessive.

Speaker 1 I mean, you can take me to set in a blindfold. That's fine.
Hey, look at this.

Speaker 1 But keeping me in a hole without any food or water, I don't understand how that foments comedy or good feelings, good energy.

Speaker 1 Wanted you to be hungry. You know, one needs just the basics.

Speaker 1 Well, listen, you made it through. I don't know how hashtag we're in this together and hashtag blessed, but

Speaker 1 did you want to?

Speaker 2 I have a question for you two. Did Will talk to you as well, or was he Terry the two days until you wrapped?

Speaker 1 He was a little Terry. He was a little Will.

Speaker 1 He actually did a very, very good job

Speaker 1 being the boss over there, the producer, and making sure everybody was okay and doing well.

Speaker 1 That was awesome. I could have been better.

Speaker 1 No, you could not have done better.

Speaker 1 I've never seen you work so hard, and you've worked hard the whole time I've known you. That was amazing.

Speaker 2 That really was your set.

Speaker 1 It was a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 Well, Camille, I got to say, one of the things that I really loved about about having you on the show was and that i realized about you is a you're a really good guy uh you're an easy guy to hang out with you're you didn't assume that going in i don't know you never know with people yeah it was more i didn't know you i didn't know if you were going to be uh you know acting johnny big shot you had a bunch of you know you're coming off uh big

Speaker 1 silicon valley marvel you're like super buff and uh i had to keep pointing out that i work out too you did because next to you it doesn't look like i do um wait but now that Marvel's over, do you just not give a shit and you eat anything you want?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, he's in crazy shit. Yeah, your body's crazy.

Speaker 2 It's amazing. Thank you.
I did just do a thing that I gained like 25 pounds for. Like, I had to look different, and now I'm in the process of losing.
Oh, Chippendales.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm in the process of losing it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 You had to put on fat? to be in Chippendales?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the guy who founded Chippendales

Speaker 2 did not look like them. And part of the story is this guy's king of a world that he doesn't fit in, you know, because it's all these like white dudes who look like Adonises.

Speaker 2 And then this guy was like a bigger guy who did not look like a male stripper. So I had to, I had to change myself.

Speaker 1 Wait, you had to put on 25 pounds of belly. So how did you do it? What was your, you could do it a bunch of different ways, eat a bunch of different stuff.
What was your choice? Put your butt or down?

Speaker 2 Is this a way to do it healthy, you know? And then there's the way I did it, which is I just ate pies and fries and like I understand.

Speaker 1 Fried chicken. Yeah, Sean, they keep moving the start date on whatever you're gaining weight for.
You have

Speaker 2 because gaining weight four is colonoscopy.

Speaker 1 Sean, you look fucking great.

Speaker 2 By the way, I've only had general anesthesia once. I was a kid.
I had an ear operation, and I made the exact same joke going in. Don't touch my ass.

Speaker 1 I was eight years old. Right, that's correct.

Speaker 2 Very inappropriate.

Speaker 1 Eight-year-olds are making your joke. I mean,

Speaker 2 and it was an ear, ear surgery.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 sure wait come out uh how hard is it taking off the uh the pies and and and milkshakes me hardest oh come on sorry sean

Speaker 2 the hardest part is readjusting to having to eat healthy like you know honestly when i started because i was eating so unhealthy i was eating four huge meals every day so losing the first like 10 was pretty easy just going back to normal the hard thing is not having that expectation of every day i can eat whatever i want that's That's very tricky.

Speaker 2 It's hard to like rewire to that because your taste palette changes.

Speaker 2 There was a time when I was like, you know, eating a certain way, I was like, fruit is so good. I remember I would bite into a pear and go, this is like the greatest dessert in the world.

Speaker 2 And then after gaining the weight, I was like, pears suck compared to like cheesecake.

Speaker 1 So bland.

Speaker 1 I just say, let yourself eat whatever you want. That's right.

Speaker 1 But Sean, you just put sriracha on anything, right? And then down it goes. Yep.

Speaker 1 One way, one way. So, wait, listen, Camel, my friend Chuck Sakula is in your show.
Shout out. And as a Chippendale dancer, yeah, I've known him since I was 18 years old.

Speaker 1 And I texted him last night if he has any stories with you. And his text back to me was:

Speaker 1 in the first two episodes, he said you might remember him

Speaker 1 at the hot dog vendor they find on Venice Beach. And then I said, Do you have any good stories with you? And Camille, he goes, No good stories.

Speaker 2 No, I have no stories. He was the hot dog vendor who becomes the dancer.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 He was great.

Speaker 1 Okay, thanks. That's it.
He was awesome.

Speaker 2 He wore a crazy mullet for the show.

Speaker 1 He did. Yeah.
Can't wait to look at it. But wait, the trailer looks great.
I love it. It looks really good.
From hot dog vendor to

Speaker 1 Chippendale's dancer. There's sort of a correlation there.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Go ahead.
I don't know. I'm just, I don't have it yet, but I'm in a montage right now where, and I'm in Camille's sort of perspective, and we're blending hot dogs and dancing.

Speaker 1 And he starts to get this idea, this big homo erotic light bulb goes off in his head.

Speaker 1 He's holding a hot dog. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I actually see somebody holding a hot dog down, like down by their waist. And I'm like, wait.

Speaker 1 Sure. Just dancing.
Oh, there it is.

Speaker 1 You want sauerkraut?

Speaker 1 What is happening?

Speaker 1 We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1 All right, back to the show.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Kamal, we don't know each other. I'd like to start at the beginning, like always, like we often do on this.
Pakistan, what was it like growing up there?

Speaker 1 What made you move to the United States? And give us all that stuff because I don't know those answers. And what was the name of your high school girlfriend? Keep going.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a callback to Murderville, which Sean, you have not watched.

Speaker 1 I will watch your episode.

Speaker 2 It was, you know, it's hard to say because it's just what my life was. So it was the same

Speaker 1 as

Speaker 2 kind of here, I guess.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my thing is, like, there's a million cultural differences between Pakistan culture and American culture. What were some of the that you're thankful for?

Speaker 1 And what are some of that you really miss? That, you know,

Speaker 2 I mean, the way when I.

Speaker 1 That you're thankful for for the move.

Speaker 2 Wow, what do I miss? I miss the food, you know? I mean, our food's the best food in the world. I was dealing with my.

Speaker 1 What's your favorite, favorite, favorite Pakistani food? Yes?

Speaker 2 Biryani.

Speaker 1 It's like

Speaker 1 biryani is so good.

Speaker 1 What goes on?

Speaker 2 We have rice, there's meat, there's some meat in there, and what you do is, and there's the way my mom makes it, which is because of where she's from. She's from a town in India called Calcutta.

Speaker 2 You put potatoes in there too.

Speaker 2 But the whole thing with biryani is how slow can you cook it? You know, that's like the, oh, I cooked this for six hours, seven hours, eight hours. That's the thing of it.

Speaker 2 And you know, my grandmother's biryani was the best biryani I'd ever had.

Speaker 2 And my mom's was like the second best. It was like 5% worse, but it was so close.

Speaker 2 And my grandmother passed away a few years ago. And this time I was at my parents' and I ate my mom's.
And it was like only 3% worse.

Speaker 1 She's like, she's getting there.

Speaker 1 Do you let her know? Do you go like, hey, you're getting better?

Speaker 1 I did.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. You're a tough customer.
No, that's a compliment.

Speaker 2 It meant, I think it meant a lot to her because she started crying. I don't know if it was good crying or bad crying.
Wow.

Speaker 1 But Camel, what should I do? Sean could walk you through some of the nice rice dishes at Chinchen. Maybe you can find a nice little replacement there.
By the way,

Speaker 1 you order a side of rice with all of the options.

Speaker 2 And there you go. Rice is my favorite thing.
That was the hardest thing to give up.

Speaker 1 What don't you miss about

Speaker 2 this question? Is a trap?

Speaker 1 And I'm not following it. Yeah, it's a trap.
Okay, fine.

Speaker 1 No, I just didn't know if it was like a.

Speaker 1 Everything is a trap.

Speaker 1 What moved you guys to the eggs? I'm fine. This is a dick fest.

Speaker 1 Kind of like

Speaker 2 kind of like my show. Welcome to Chippendale.

Speaker 1 Transition to Chippendales. Here we go.
Dick Fest. Tell us your favorite part of Chippendales.

Speaker 2 Favorite part? I mean, I think it's a really, really great show. I genuinely do.
I think my favorite part is working with the other actors. They were so...
Do you guys see White Lotus? Yes.

Speaker 2 Murray Bartlett.

Speaker 1 I haven't, but I hear it. Haven't seen it yet, but I heard that.
Oh, my God. It's one of the best shows I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 It's so good. And Murray's in our show, and he's fantastic.
I got to work with Juliet Lewis, you know, who I've been a fan of forever. She's amazing.

Speaker 2 Annalee Ashford, who's like a Broadway legend. She's one of Tony's.

Speaker 1 Did you have to do any dancing?

Speaker 2 I didn't, which was good because I can't do it.

Speaker 1 Not much of a daughter. Well, but would you have? But you did in Eternals.

Speaker 1 I tried in Eternals.

Speaker 1 Let's say they wanted you to play the lead in the Chippendale scene, which means you had to do a lot of dance, a lot of pole work.

Speaker 1 Would you have said yes?

Speaker 2 Well, I want to clarify, I did play the lead, but I did play.

Speaker 1 The lead dancer, sorry. Okay, cool it.
Camille, all right. Jesus.
Can I get back to...

Speaker 1 I just want to know what made your family move from Pakistan. I want it.
Okay. And then we're going to double back to the pole dancing.
Go ahead. Okay.

Speaker 2 It was actually the love of pole dancing that made my family move.

Speaker 1 They were like, we want to know where that happens. Sure.
No, I moved on my own for college.

Speaker 2 My family didn't move until many, many years later. So I just moved on my own.

Speaker 2 I went to Grinnell College in Iowa

Speaker 2 because I honestly didn't know that, I didn't understand how big America was. And I only knew America from movies and TV shows.
And Iowa is not very represented. So I was very surprised.

Speaker 2 I thought it was all New York and L.A. And then suddenly.
you know, with pigs and corn.

Speaker 1 So it was just a desire to change scenery.

Speaker 2 Well, I think the plan was always for my family to move out of Pakistan and come to America. That was always the plan.
So the school they sent me to was one where most of the education was in English.

Speaker 2 And the plan was to always

Speaker 2 try and move to America if possible.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 were you taught English before you left Pakistan? Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I mean, I grew up, you know, I learned...
English in school, but I also learned, I grew up watching so many movies and TV shows.

Speaker 1 Well, I thought that was funny that Hugh Grant was your inspiration. Not that he's not talented in funny and all those great things.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But who else?

Speaker 2 Well, you know, Bill Murray, obviously, like

Speaker 2 Ghostbusters was my favorite, favorite thing.

Speaker 1 Are you afraid of no ghost?

Speaker 2 I am afraid of ghost.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yeah, which is why

Speaker 2 it was an aspirational love of Bill Murray for being afraid of no ghosts.

Speaker 2 I really,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 but I remember in school, I think it was kindergarten or first grade, I remember when I first started reading, learning English and being like very upset that I'm like, I already know how to say all this stuff.

Speaker 2 Why do I need a whole other way of saying tiger? You know, I already know this. So I remember the first time I started learning English.

Speaker 1 So you learned a lot of English from just watching television.

Speaker 2 I think I learned to be like very conversant in English watching television and movies. And it was all the movies you guys watched, like, you know, Star Wars and Indiana Jones and all that stuff.

Speaker 1 But you, uh, but what I want to get into, Kamale, if we can just jump, because so you come here, you go to college here,

Speaker 1 fast forward a few years later, you work a bunch, and then you and your wife write this film, Emily Gordon, write this film together,

Speaker 1 The Big Sick, directed by my old friend Michael Showalter,

Speaker 1 whom I've known for years and years and years.

Speaker 1 Talk us through that process, how it came about, how it came to be, and how the film came.

Speaker 1 It was brilliant, and you guys, you know, obviously winning Oscars and all all that and apato judd how did you get involved judd yeah we we didn't win we got nominated sorry not sorry sorry nominated get out one and honestly cannot be upset because get out is a fantastic movie yeah so how did it all come about what what's the genesis of all of it So I basically was, I'd sort of done a very, very small blink and you miss it part in five-year engagement with Jason Siegel and Emily Blunt

Speaker 2 that Judd produced. Just one scene.
And then I was at South by Southwest Festival in Austin. I used to go do stand-up comedy there all the time.
And I did this talk show that Pete Holmes used to host.

Speaker 2 And Judd was one of the guests.

Speaker 1 And I was one of the guests.

Speaker 2 And Judd was like, hey, you're that guy who has... one line in my movie.
And I was like, yeah, I'm such a big fan. Nice to meet you.
He was very nice.

Speaker 2 He was very complimentary because I hadn't seen the movie yet. He's like, you're so great in it.
You really get a big laugh exactly when we need it.

Speaker 2 And when I watched the movie, I was like, he was just being nice because it's it's truly a nothing part.

Speaker 1 He's a nice fella.

Speaker 2 He's a nice fella. But we did this talk show together and we sort of hung out that weekend and had a great time.

Speaker 2 And then when I got home that week, my manager called and was like, hey, Jed Appetal called and he wants to meet you. And he wants to know if you have any like movie ideas.

Speaker 2 And so I sort of wrote down like five ideas, all like kind of, you know, dim ideas and I went and pitched them to him like this is a well it's a one really was about a ghost witch it's a ghost who's also a witch like a witch dies and then it's a ghost and he's like these are all really funny and then I was like

Speaker 2 and then you know my girlfriend was in a coma for two weeks right when we first started dating and I hung out with her family the whole time and he was like did you guys start dating when she was in a coma that's when we started yeah she's such a good listener

Speaker 1 no but seriously I mean all jokes aside wait she went into a coma within when you first started dating a few months wow Yeah. That's crazy.
Yeah, it is crazy.

Speaker 1 Talk us through that a little bit as much as you're comfortable with.

Speaker 2 We were dating a few months. I met her.
I met this girl. And, you know, I was like, wow, she's really, really awesome.

Speaker 2 And I think we were dating about six or seven months, but it really was just dating. We weren't living together.

Speaker 2 I don't think, I don't know if, I don't think we'd said, I love you or anything yet.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 then suddenly one day,

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 she she wasn't she hadn't been feeling well for a couple weeks i don't know how much detail anyway

Speaker 2 i was at a show and i couldn't get in touch with her and i remember like i was just calling and calling and calling and um

Speaker 2 because she was going to go to the doctor in the afternoon i just couldn't get in touch with her and had a terrible set and at 11 p.m yeah just you know just like that servant not a lot of life

Speaker 2 no it's no it didn't really didn't really get a lot there's there's also something

Speaker 2 kind of anyway, I'll tell you about that in a second. We and then at 11, she called and she was like, hey, I'm in the hospital.
And so, and she told me where she was, and I ran over.

Speaker 1 You tell her the set.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I opened with this set.

Speaker 1 I'd love to come, but I'm pretty banged up about this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got to go do some rewriting. I'm going to go sign up for another open mic.
I got to wash this taste out.

Speaker 1 This is while it's fresh. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. This really is an emergency.

Speaker 2 I need a good set.

Speaker 1 I mean, that is how I opened.

Speaker 2 I was like, honey, I've been trying to get in touch with you. I had a bad set and I really need to venture.

Speaker 1 Good for you.

Speaker 2 But there's a scene in the movie where I sort of walk through the hospital and I find Zoe Kazan, who plays Emily in the movie. And it's very similar.

Speaker 2 You know, you sort of feel like you're going into this weird world.

Speaker 1 And then I saw her.

Speaker 2 sitting in her hospital bed and she just looked so different than she did this morning, you know, she was like hooked up to all this kind of stuff and

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 and then she the doctor came uh the nurse came and I was like can we go home and she said no we have to wait until the doctor comes in at 6 a.m. so they gave her a room the doctor came in at 6 a.m.

Speaker 2 saw her he came out and he was like hey so

Speaker 2 we need to intubate her right now this is all in the movie but it's really true they were like we need to intubate her and i was like what does that mean and they're like well you know we have to put her on a machine

Speaker 2 things in here in her neck neck, and we're going to put her in a medically induced coma.

Speaker 1 And I was like, what?

Speaker 2 They're like, we have to do it. So we need somebody to sign this.
And I was like, they were like, are you her husband? And I was like, no. And people don't believe this part of the story.

Speaker 2 It's completely true. He's like, we, she needs to go into this thing.
We need a family member to sign this. So you need to just like lie to us and just sign it because this needs to happen.
Wow.

Speaker 2 And I remember I signed it and they ran into a room. It was her and like three or four other guys.

Speaker 2 And I just watched them do it. Like, I watched them do,

Speaker 2 they should not have, they should have been like, hey, sir, take a walk, go to the vending machine or something.

Speaker 2 But I watched, I watched them do it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 what was she suffering from, Carrie? Are you allowed to say?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So she, I don't want to talk about her diagnosis too much because that's her story. She talks about it.
Sure.

Speaker 2 But she eventually got diagnosed with something called adult onset stills disease, which is sort of like arthritis, but for the organs. And so it attacks your lungs, kidneys, heart.

Speaker 2 You know, it got to.

Speaker 1 Any treatment for it?

Speaker 2 Yes. And then later,

Speaker 2 so this treatment at the time was steroids. They just pump her full of steroids.
It's episodic. So it's something that comes on.
You know, she's lucky. She only feels it about once a year.

Speaker 1 But once you know what it is, you take the pill and pump it up. That's good.

Speaker 2 It is. And then 10 years later, she got diagnosed with another thing called C V I D, which is common variable immunodeficiency.
And that there is a new treatment for.

Speaker 2 And she goes and gets this treatment every month.

Speaker 2 Basically, her body does not make antibodies at all. Like the normal level is like 1200.
And her level was literally one. Like it was one.

Speaker 2 And so she basically has to go get this infusion every month. And now she's, you know, she's doing really well.
She's great.

Speaker 1 You want to know what a small world it is? You are a spokesperson for Up the Antibodies. That's right.
Right. And my niece is the senior project manager of that campaign.
Oh, really?

Speaker 1 So she has that guy. Isn't that crazy? You know, Sean, last week, he went to have his colonoscopy and when he kept, the doctor looked at him and he said that he's got what he described as an antibody.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not quite formed fully. So wait, so listen, I heard, I heard, and then you guys.
turned this whole thing into this great movie. And I heard the movie ended up on Pornhub.
Is that true?

Speaker 1 The entire movie?

Speaker 2 Yeah, i think they do that sometimes you know like certain movies just end up on pornhub we were on pornhub for a second that's crazy the whole movie yeah it got pirated and i'll say i don't know how many views it got i should have that's crazy that it was on there but judd was really judd didn't direct it michael showalter directed it but judd really really taught us how to write on that movie we wrote it for three years and you know he would rip apart every draft until we got one that he liked and talked to me about emily auditioning to play herself and not getting the part and Zoe taking it.

Speaker 1 How was that? Was that a painful process?

Speaker 2 She just wasn't off books. She was looking at her sites and that's unprofessional.

Speaker 1 I was like, you lived it.

Speaker 2 You should know these lines.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this isn't radio. Learn your lines.

Speaker 1 Yeah, honey, please.

Speaker 2 How about some eye contact? Next time.

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Speaker 1 And now, back to the show.

Speaker 1 Kumel, talk about too, about like the merging of like what was the wedding like between

Speaker 1 with your religious background and Emily's? Was it

Speaker 1 all easily accepted? Was the, did you please her priest? Was it like who married you?

Speaker 2 She's, you know, from North Carolina. Her uh well, that's a a religion some kind of christian

Speaker 2 okay okay and uh it was actually so i once she was sick and in the coma that's when i first told my parents about her um i was like i'm yeah yes hey mom dad classic good news bad news

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 but the wedding the wedding was wedding was smooth the wedding

Speaker 2 this is what happened so basically you know i told my mom and they were very very they were very concerned for her and then as soon as she was she would call me like how's emily and then as soon as emily was out of the coma and out of the woods she was still in the hospital for a while longer but there was a day where we were like there was literally one day where they were like and now it's going to be okay she was in a coma for eight days

Speaker 2 and now it's going to be okay and so then she's still in the hospital for another month but that month every day is better than the previous

Speaker 2 and so and that's when my mom was like, So, what are you gonna fucking do with this woman? What's the plan? Like, you guys like living together? What's going on? How long have you been?

Speaker 2 That's when she started sort of, and so as soon as Emily was out of the coma and okay,

Speaker 2 we went and got married, like on our own, like stood in line at the courthouse, and just went and got married.

Speaker 2 Yeah, uh, like literally, this is not in the movie because it's kind of unbelievable, but just a couple months after she was healthy.

Speaker 2 If you see the pictures of the day we got married, you can still see she's she's recovering. And I called my mom and I said, hey, now we're married.
So you kind of don't really have a choice.

Speaker 2 I love this woman. She loves me.
And I think you're going to love her too if you if you meet her. So my mom said, okay, bring her by.

Speaker 2 So two weeks after our bring her by. Two weeks after our marriage, we went.
And to my parents' credit, they threw this big, they threw together a big like Pakistani wedding for us two weeks later.

Speaker 2 So the first time they met Emily

Speaker 2 was at our wedding. Wow.
And

Speaker 2 it was really like lovely. Her immediate family came.
Some of my friends came. It was such a quick, quick thing.

Speaker 1 Is your dad still with us? He is, yeah. Yeah.
Is he a little bit more of an easier

Speaker 1 sell than mom is? You're talking about getting mom there.

Speaker 1 Dad's kind of good with most things.

Speaker 2 Well, it was certainly a good cup, bad cop situation our whole life.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 2 you know, Emily is, I don't, you guys haven't, you guys haven't met her. She's just so wonderful and charming and just like,

Speaker 1 oh my God, I'm getting emotional.

Speaker 2 Just like truly like the best person I've ever met. And so she's sort of undeniable.
When they, I knew that if they met her, they'd fall in love with her just the way I did.

Speaker 1 And isn't it true? In addition to being like this brilliant writer, author person, she was a former couple's family therapist, which means like you can't get away with anything ever.

Speaker 2 She's, she was was a therapist, and it's actually good because she sort of taught me a lot about myself. I realized, you know, sometimes you don't know like the things you like.

Speaker 2 She'd be like, you're not upset because you can't find your Bruce Springsteen shirt right now. What else is going on?

Speaker 2 So she was very good at that. And my dad is very,

Speaker 2 my dad's like a real softy, you know, like he cries very easily, which was good for me to see like a man who was comfortable with his own emotions. And I was someone who wasn't for a very long time.

Speaker 1 You mean the definition of a real man?

Speaker 1 Yes, that's right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just this weekend, we were there, and my dad, they threw a 70th surprise birthday for him, and he can't talk about it without crying.

Speaker 1 Like, he's like, and so they can, there were 80, 83 people there.

Speaker 2 It's really, really sweet.

Speaker 1 Wait,

Speaker 1 how long have you been married now? And do you guys make a big deal out of anniversaries? Or is it just like, eh? Two weeks. See you later.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is all very fresh.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 2 15 years.

Speaker 1 It was 15 years since you were married. That's amazing.
And do you make a big deal of anniversaries or is it just another day?

Speaker 2 We wanted to make a really big deal of this one because I was like, I want to have like a big, because we didn't really get to have a huge, crazy, crazy, like big wedding, you know, the way we wanted to.

Speaker 2 So 15 years I wanted to do a big thing, but because of COVID and because she, we just have to be more careful than almost everybody else. We just couldn't do it.

Speaker 2 Hopefully next year. But yeah, we like to make a thing of it.
I think these milestones are...

Speaker 1 If you do it next year, would you have am I invited? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 You would be invited.

Speaker 2 Would you come?

Speaker 1 Of course I would. What do you mean, would I come? Yeah, I'd love to.

Speaker 1 Well, don't be so shocked, but a lot of people, myself included, I mean, didn't I say to you, Will, do not invite me to your wedding? You did. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but then you, and then you were mad when you weren't. You're like, I didn't get an invite.
I was like, yeah, I invited.

Speaker 1 Well, Amanda didn't know that you were invited. Amanda gave me shit once.
Jason's wife gave me shit that they weren't at my wedding. And I said, Jason asked to not be invited.
I just.

Speaker 1 And then she's like, well, he's such a brat. He doesn't have the authority to say that, and blah, blah, blah, blah.
So anyway. Well, aren't some weddings, I mean, weddings are

Speaker 1 sometimes they're just

Speaker 1 so long and the ceremony.

Speaker 1 You want to. It's not about you.
It's about them. So yes, Kamale, if you find it in your heart, if you're looking for extra seat fillers, I would love to come.

Speaker 1 You've always been a great seat filler, Will.

Speaker 2 Jason, can I invite you to the anniversary?

Speaker 1 I'm not coming, Camille. All right, well, then I'll no, I'll come.
I'll come. I've changed.
Since Will's been in my life, I've changed. I've learned to enjoy big part.

Speaker 1 I just don't like getting invited, as you know, to like one-year-old birthday parties. That's where I get

Speaker 1 offense.

Speaker 1 Don't invite me to your kids' party. No, I'm not going to come to your wedding.
Kid, fine. Your one-year-old baby, F off.

Speaker 1 Well, Camille, if you call it not an anniversary party, but you're renewing your vows, so it's kind of like a new wedding.

Speaker 1 Then, and if I can either throw rose petals or be the officiator of the wedding, one of those two roles.

Speaker 1 Other than that, I can't, I don't think I'll.

Speaker 2 So I have to bribe you with like a sort of a limelight situation.

Speaker 1 One of those two roles. Yeah.
Features. Okay.

Speaker 1 Camille and Emily's wedding features.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I will not take third billing either. It's got to be an and or an.

Speaker 2 it'll be Jason Bayton presents Camille and Emily renewing their

Speaker 1 educate me on this. A friend of mine who's Indian got married years back and he came in on a white horse.
Do they do that in Pakistani weddings?

Speaker 2 I think they do. We didn't do that because we got married in New Jersey and horses are hard to get on short notice.
Sure.

Speaker 2 But like, I think that's like a big horse heads, on the other hand. Horse heads.
I could get you one tonight. Where do you live?

Speaker 1 It was too quick.

Speaker 2 What color horse head do you want?

Speaker 1 Oh, man. That That was really scary.
Oh my God.

Speaker 1 What color?

Speaker 1 What about a honeymoon? Did you guys do a honeymoon?

Speaker 2 No, we didn't. We really were at that time just did not have money.
And so we really didn't do it.

Speaker 2 I think I would say I would consider our honeymoon to be right after we finished the big sick, we went out of the country. And that was, it sort of felt like our first real honeymoon.

Speaker 2 We just, we, you know, we, we had no money. I mean, really, the rings we got each other, we got them from Walmart, I think for $75 each.

Speaker 1 And then we did

Speaker 2 years later, we did go and get new wedding rings.

Speaker 1 But you still have the old ones for fun, right?

Speaker 1 Shit. Like in a box? No.

Speaker 1 We couldn't afford boxes, Jason. They couldn't even box.
Not even boxes.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 2 I lost my real wedding ring on the set of Burning Love. Do you guys know that show? Burning Love?

Speaker 1 Hysterical.

Speaker 2 Really funny. Ken Marino.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So funny.
Love Ken Marino. Doesn't sound like a set you'd want to lose your wedding ring on, unless you want to have a real problem with your wife.

Speaker 2 What kind of set do you want to lose your wedding ring on?

Speaker 1 That's a great question. Are you married forever?

Speaker 1 One of those?

Speaker 1 You know, it's my husband's Scotty's birthday today. And of course.
Oh, happy birthday, Scotty. Yes.
And of course, I sing him the happy birthday song in Pakistan, which is, happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 Well, how do you know this? You've done all you do research.

Speaker 1 I'm a fan of yours, and I watch your stuff.

Speaker 2 stuff thank you thank you wait that's really that's it there was just there was a story i used to tell on stage where i went to a friend's birthday party and they played the birthday song on repeat but it was a some weird knockoff pakistani version of the birthday song and it was just a guy saying happy birthday thank you very much

Speaker 2 happy birthday thank you very much

Speaker 2 over and over and then i saw i saw a uh i saw a monkey fight a mongoose. I saw a snake fight a mongoose.

Speaker 1 At a birthday party. At a party?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That was like... That sounds great.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Who do you think won?

Speaker 1 Mongoose. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was bloody.

Speaker 1 I saw Ricky Tikki Tavby growing up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Didn't that thing look good? Right?

Speaker 1 You guys all saw that cartoon? I did know. I don't know that.
Wait, tell me real quick, before we let you go, Camille.

Speaker 1 How many years did you guys do the Silicon Valley program? Brilliant.

Speaker 2 We did six seasons over seven years.

Speaker 1 Super funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Super funny show. One of the best.
Yeah. Classic comic.
I love that Mike Judge. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you guys seen the new Babies and Butthead episodes?

Speaker 1 Not yet.

Speaker 2 It's so funny. The new, there's a new movie that's really good, but the new show, it's episodic.
I think it's on Paramount Plus.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 One of those.

Speaker 1 It's so funny. I used to watch that all the time.
Yeah. I love it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was like, I just texted him and I was like, dude, this is as good as the original show. You guys did it again.

Speaker 1 It's so, so did they get the same voice actors back for the um to play um

Speaker 1 but had it's a guy who does it really good mike judge they got him wait what yeah really it's a soundalike

Speaker 1 guys

Speaker 1 camel you're the best thank you for being here

Speaker 1 you're such a funny dude yeah

Speaker 2 i'm such a fan of you guys all three of you you're so good and your podcast is so funny and i was really excited and nervous to do this.

Speaker 1 Boy, you're a real nice fellow. You are perfection.

Speaker 1 no nice and easy you got a conversational vibe to you you're not just there to answer questions i mean no he's very conversational he's confrontational too he likes to be confrontational camel i see you at the gym obviously we work out together a lot whoa we're on the same i don't know if it's obvious but yeah program

Speaker 1 you're in fantastic shape well you really are you really are yeah um not marvel shape but not marvel shape no maybe just a week or two away camel thank you for joining us thank you pal dude it's great to have you great to see you.

Speaker 1 And, you know, just continued success in everything you do.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I can't wait to see the new season of Murderville.
It was so good. Such a great show.
I'm sure you guys are fantastic on it.

Speaker 1 Thanks for having me. We had fun.
Thanks, man. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Pal. Okay.
Thanks, Camille. Bye, Camille.
Hi, nice to meet you. Love you.

Speaker 2 Love you, bye. Bye, bye.
Bye, bye. Bye.

Speaker 1 Easy squeezy. Easy squeezy.
Like soft and sleazy. I like that, Camille, a lot.

Speaker 1 I like him too. Sean, I don't know why, you you know, why do you always say such bad things about him? He's great.
I love him. I'm such a big fan.

Speaker 1 You know, I didn't know, like, I would watch his stand up and, like, whenever he's on a talk show, because I think he's so fun extemporally.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Huh? Close.
What was that? Keep going. Extemporally? Is that a word? Yeah.
Not really, but keep going.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 he speaks, I don't know, whatever. But yeah, I know, he's just funny off the cuff.
I'll say that.

Speaker 1 And a lot of people don't have that gift.

Speaker 1 And so he's always been entertaining just speaking so nice fella comfortable in his skin chit chest and by the way works endlessly like yes like a huge star now it's a huge star and he works he works really really hard and you're right he's just very naturally funny yeah in such a great refreshing way yeah how about i love the stories about like if you haven't seen him like you can watch his stuff online or whatever about his his family and like getting married and the person who married them and what went wrong at the wedding like it's so funny I want to see his stand-up stuff.

Speaker 1 Fantastic guest, just like they all are. Yes.
Amen. Hey, Sean, what's the rest of your day?

Speaker 1 I have to go work out, believe it or not. I have to.

Speaker 1 Let me see. I'm going to look at it.
Why do you have to? Why do you have to? Are you training for something? I guess I'm going to land on not.

Speaker 1 Sorry, you said blue.

Speaker 1 No, I have to. Then what's after the workout? We're going to go celebrate Scotty's birthday a little bit.
What does that involve? Starting at what time? That's

Speaker 1 five or six. We're going to eat a nice dinner together, just us.

Speaker 1 At five. Yep.

Speaker 1 What does that constitute?

Speaker 1 Well, it's funny.

Speaker 1 I have somebody coming over to help us make pizza.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because it's complicated.
Yep. Go ahead.
And then after the pizza,

Speaker 1 so now it's 6.15. What happens?

Speaker 1 Do you lay a sheet cake out in the morning and just braise it all day? What's the.

Speaker 1 I have somebody named, we call her the cake lady. She makes the best cakes.
I'll give her your number or I'll give her you her number. She's the best.

Speaker 1 She makes the best cakes and she makes these huge cakes and they're like 20 bucks. Huh.
I'll bet they're not great. No, they're great.
Oh, they're amazing. So then do you have a cake already ready?

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, it's a surprise. And we always put a like a funny photo of him somewhere on like, you know, how they scan it onto the cake.
So then at 6.15, pizza's done. Cakes in the mouth.
It's 6.30.

Speaker 1 Now, what's the rest of the night after that? And or, or if not.

Speaker 1 No, but.

Speaker 1 No but. Sorry.
No, but.

Speaker 1 Is that premiering tonight? It did last night, but we didn't get around to it. All right.
I'm super excited. You guys watching Lego Masters? Is that what it was you're watching? Lego Masters.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that tonight? I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I didn't record. Wait, when is that, Will? Wednesday, nine o'clock on Fox.
Wait, when did it premiere? Last night. It's okay, guys.
I mean, you know, Goodnight Oscar is getting a lot of play.

Speaker 1 It doesn't open for another fucking two years.

Speaker 1 But we've covered Murderville and Lego Masters so far in this episode, right? Good night Oscar opens April 7th, 2023. Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 So, you're telling me that I can see it in April, provided I have a ticket and I don't want a free one. I want to be able to buy

Speaker 1 the tickets to Kay Oscar!

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