The Nepo-Dictator's Nadir

When you c are ready, off you go.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4325 of the world's longest-running, most influential, hippest, most indefatigable, suavest, purplest, and only audio newspaper for a visual world last week I was Andy's altman let's just run the diagnostics to see if I still am

Yep still Andy's altman more so if anything I'm in the shed of inviolable falsehood it is the 13th of December 2024 and this is the penultimate bugle of the first 40th of the millennium I remember when all this was feels and joining me this week it is the ultimate blast from the bugle past coming to you live alive unless you're listening to this in more than 200 years' time from now, and in no fewer than zero dimensions, from the biggest of all apples, by quite a long way too, from one of the six continents that the Titanic never reached.

It's the man who was gifted by Britain to the United States as a gesture of reconciliation back in 2006 to mark the 230th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.

It's the former joint record holder for most issues of the Bugle appeared in.

He's long since fallen off that particular podium.

A man who's now appeared in fewer than half of all uh episodes of the bugle but also in mitigation fewer than half of all smurfs movies as well it is the no-time world pole vault champion the nebuchadnezzar of news-based comedy the crown prince of crapping on about politics the john wilkes booth of jovial weekly brooks sorry that scratch that was one it's john oliver

hello andy hello buglers what a lot of context that is not required or remotely helpful there andy you've laid out a lot of cutlery on a table that this meal does not need.

It is great to be back in the side saddle of this 17-year-old racehorse of a podcast.

Other podcasts of a similar age have usually been put out to stud by this point.

Merely responsible for fathering as many spin-off podcasts as possible, but not this one.

This thoroughbred was built to race and it's either going to...

Go at a full gallop to a finish line or at a full trot towards a glue factory.

But either way, it is a back.

Its Its hooves are high and it's moving forward.

And if you're not already hearing the Black Beauty theme music somewhere in your mind at this point, you're medically dead inside.

In fact, you know what?

Let me help you out.

What I'm saying is,

let's ride, Andy.

Let's sandal this podcast up.

Put on joggers and ride like the wind.

Put a feedback in front of this podcast face.

Edict it with steroids, Andy.

Hit it with a stick.

Hold a carrot on the end of a fishing rod.

That might actually be for donkeys, but who knows?

It It might work here too.

The point is, let's ride fast.

Let's see how fast this horse can still go.

And if it falls over and it breaks its leg, put it up, pull it over the top of it and put it out of his misery because we don't want it to suffer.

But until then,

let's ride.

I probably should have faded that out rather than gone with the abrupt pause.

No, that's that's that's fine.

That's fine.

Chris, do we have clearance to use that music, do you think?

I mean, if the horse comes after us, let's

clearance clearance is a state of mind

well i mean this horse is well and truly uh well he truly well and truly saddled up john and this uh this is um issue i mean what has it been what's a couple of years since you last did a full

a full uh a full bugle i think that's right yeah the world seems to have um

not sorted everything out in that uh

yeah most things right there'll always be a handful of issues for the world but i think generally the world's in a pretty good place

look around you know with um with a blindfold on things are okay i think yeah yeah yeah i mean if you if you if you just live in the bugle soundproof safe then you know that's that's the way the world is best i think

this is issue 4325 4325 of course famously was the end of the first countdown at the launch of Apollo 11 when NASA's chief launch countdowner Clapston Frillard, pranked Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and the other guy.

But I go with five instead of one.

NASA soon brought it, so no dicking around at launch time rule into play.

And 4325 could also be set to be the year in which the COP 2330 Summit finalizes a deal under which the rich countries of the world pay for a free inflatable Kevin Costner for the less well-off nations that will be fully underwater by then.

So that's something to look forward to in

just a couple of thousand and a few hundred years' time.

We're recording on the 13th of December 2024.

On this day in 1962, NASA launched Relay 1,

the first active repeater communications satellite in orbit.

and easily one of my favorite active repeater communication satellites of all time.

And it paved the way for a world in which satellite communication enables people anywhere in the world to watch live action from the Seniors Golf Tour to their heart's content.

That is what that technology is all about, John.

You know, without that, how would we watch seniors golf?

Yeah, I mean, when you put it like that, you know, technology is a net positive, isn't it?

Yeah.

Obviously, there's been some downsides, but, you know, the March of Progress does go heads north.

Yeah.

On the 14th of December 1782, the Mongolfier brothers

flew the first test flight of an unmanned hot air balloon.

It made it over a mile and a half.

And that paved the way for the age of air travel,

thus creating a world in which senior golfers can travel to any tournament in the world.

I mean,

what is progress for?

Um,

that's a is there a the first unmanned hot air balloon, is that is that someone just having a balloon, letting go of it, and then just deciding to come up with an excuse?

I'll let go of your balloon.

Yeah, it's not, it's not by excuse, it's by design.

I'm trying to push travel forward, yeah.

Well, I guess so.

I mean, these you know, many scientific breakthroughs are by accident, accident, aren't they?

Yeah.

The discovery of penicillin

famously.

And

could you come up with a second example?

Gravity.

Gravity was invented by accident.

That was, shit was just floating around until Isaac Newton needed some fruit to go with this picnic.

So

that's just the path of progress, John.

The 15th of December 2008 was a memorable day in the Zoltzmann household.

right here in South London where I am.

As England lost a thrilling test match to India in Chennai and I was listening to the test match special commentary on the radio, little knowing that one day I would be part of that commentary team.

Truly amazing.

Oh and my son was born during the final stage of that game that's wrong.

And on the 15th of December 1836, the U.S.

Patent Office building in Washington, D.C.

burnt to the ground.

It destroyed almost 10,000 patents.

All the patents that had ever been issued by the federal government to that date, as well as 7,000 related patent models, apparently.

And, you know, just think of the inventions lost to history in that fire.

John, the Massachusetts cheese engine steam-powered mechanical cow churner,

an ingenious device that gently rotated a sleeping cow overnight so that you could squeeze ready-to-eat butter straight out of its udders in the morning.

The Frabwick and Sons Harpsicorpse, which was a musical coffin by celebrity Undertaker's Frabwicks, that would enable the deceased to be buried with their favourite piece of music being automatically twanged, driven by a coal-powered mechanical motor and a specially adapted harpsichord.

Then there was the New York Bonsetteers and Nogganitions Company's self-extending stovepipe hat, which used a combination of ratchets and wheels.

The extension of the hat could be anything from nine inches to five feet, depending on the hat extent required by the social occasion you were attending.

And its sister product, the Paris Pope, which is an extending mitre that enabled popes to deliver prayers from inside a trench or over a high fence.

All those inventions sadly lost to us.

Andy, was that fire real?

I feel like the problem is, you're such a prolific trafficker in bullshit that I've completely lost track of what's real and what's fake anymore.

And

was there a seed of truth in that eventual orchard of nonsense?

There always is, John.

There always is.

There was a tree of truth.

It was

a genuine fact.

I checked it.

I single checked it on the internet.

It was a genuine fact that you then got extrapolated into something that was 98% proof.

John, you've lived in America for 18 years now.

That's just the way shit works, isn't it?

Well, as always,

a section of the bugler is going straight in the bin.

This week, part three of our Conspiracy Theories Advent Calendar.

We've given you 14 conspiracy theories so far, taking you up to the 14th of December.

Your conspiracy theory for the 15th of December is that chickens are, in fact, vegetables.

The meat industry has claimed the chicken is one of their own for a long time, but biologically, the chicken is in fact a vegetable, not a bird.

The evidence for this, John, is that chickens share more than 80% of the DNA of a carrot.

Also, chickens basically can't fly like aubergines.

And you can put chicken in a salad, which to me makes it a vegetable.

I've forgotten how infuriating it is for your logic when I know something is not true to be so sound it starts to make me question reality.

I could have been a lawyer.

For the 16th, your conspiracy theory is that tennis legend Bjorn Borg retired so suddenly and prematurely at the age of 26 in 1981 because it was about to be revealed publicly that he was using a special God-infused racket found in the Ark of the Covenant and previously owned by the Nazis.

And the evidence for this is that when Borg tried to come back years later using a different racket, he wasn't nearly as good.

Join the dots.

For the 17th of December, more than 93%, you might be interested in this one, John.

More than 93% of people who wear glasses don't actually need them.

The global opticians industry has a special special eye test sheet in which the letters are deliberately blurry that they swap in for the normal looking ones whilst you're getting ready for your appointment.

The evidence is there's a lot of money to be made from telling people that they need to put things on their faces.

For the 18th of December, Pompeii is a hoax.

The celebrity Roman city was not buried by a volcano stropping out, as widely claimed.

It was left deserted after the people of Pompeii won the 79 AD Roman Empire hide-and-seek competition with an absolutely superb town performance.

Either that or it was blown up when Emperor Titus ordered a nuclear weapon to be tested before it was ready.

The evidence for this, no actual contemporary footage of the eruption.

19th of December, we got a chemtrails conspiracy.

The Trails from Aeroplanes, John, contain special particles that go out into the atmosphere, make their way into the water system via rainfall, into people's brains, and make people more curious about the world.

And that's because airlines need people to travel.

So

that stacks up for me.

For the 20th of December, Elvis Presley did not die.

He's still in the toilet, battling a fiendishly difficult cryptic crossword.

And the evidence is that Presley was always a determined man who hated to admit failure.

And finally for this week, the 21st of December, your conspiracy theory is that Advent did not actually happen.

The first Advent

didn't happen at all.

The calendar worked very differently back in 0 AD.

There was, in fact, no three and a half week build-up to the birth of Jesus Christ, during which Mary and Joseph excitedly pulled back a cardboard flap to see a new picture every morning.

Didn't happen.

And the evidence for this is that no one was bothered with Advent until the 19th century when Big Calendar got involved and the rest, this commercial history.

So those are your conspiracy theories for this week.

I mean, John, you've you know, 18 and a half years in America.

Yeah, I mean, conspiracy theories must be pretty much a way of life for you now.

Yeah, that's right.

I think it's why I'm probably

more vulnerable to

the contents of your head than I think I used to be.

It's why I'm slightly terrifying because, like, you mentioned the Pompeii thing.

I started thinking, well, that makes sense.

If advent's a hoax, shit, I've heard stupider things than that that turned out to be good.

What if Andy's right about more than half of this?

And I just don't think I want to live in that world, even if objectively it's a better one.

Top story this week.

Basha Alasaked.

The desperate despot.

has been putting the dam and the cast into a damn ass guss, although unlike his ruler like Colonel Gaddafi, when he got beated out, he didn't have to put the ass into it as well.

John, I mean, this is a rather sudden and abrupt out-turfing after five decades of Assadian rule,

leading to hopes of a brighter future for Syria.

Hooray!

As long as the hardline Islamists don't just turn everything into a different kind of shit.

Boo.

So, I mean, the sound of creaking knuckles you've heard all through the week is the sound of the world crossing its fingers and hoping for the fing best.

You, of course, have long been the Bugle's official Syria correspondent.

What have you made of it?

I mean, yeah, Bashar al-Assad is Bashar al-A, very sad right now, because he is Bashar al-A for the foreseeable future.

A man who we were, frankly, no strangers to talking about on this podcast, Andy, the undisputed, I'd argue, number one dick from Damascus is gone.

Statues of the big man have been getting pulled down all over Syria, sometimes dragged through the streets, sometimes set on fire.

And in Latakia, tied to the back of a truck with people riding around on top of it, like it was one of those inflatable donuts that you tie to the back of a boat Which I thought was a very nice twist on the form when it comes to dictators They were even using the statue's outstretched arms as something to cling on to and I do think that is something a sculptor should bear in mind when they're designing the statue of a strong man because how will it look standard enough is a good question

But you do also want to consider how will it look later being dragged through the streets.

And I must say, whoever designed that particular sad statue did a lovely job.

It even had a nice flat back for a smoother ride across the asphalt, which I'd argue not enough sculptors think about.

Remember that Cristiano Ronaldo statue at Madeira Airport that got a lot of people very angry?

Yeah, I admit it didn't look great standing up, but maybe, just maybe,

the artist was primarily focusing on how it would look one day tied to the back of a Ford F-150 if he went on to miss a crucial penalty in a World Cup final.

And honestly, I think it might have looked great.

Sadly, it was a place before we got to find out.

I'll tell you, who's good at making it work both ways?

Michelangelo.

Michelangelo's David looks good on a plinth, and I do think would also look equally good with the people of Florence riding around on its back.

Michelangelo was good with a chisel, Andy.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb saying that.

No, no, absolutely not.

You know this personally, Andy, because you got that bust of Greg Davis.

for winning Taskmaster this year.

That bust for me also goes two for two like Michelangelo.

It would look just as good towering over a capital city as it would set on fire as Greg ran for his life.

That's why it's a good trophy.

Both of those hypotheticals with a more than 80% chance of coming through.

Assad was in power since the year 2000, Andy, and you're a fan of statistics to a genuine character.

Is a score of 24 years a decent return?

for a dictator, bearing in mind that he was nearly caught out on 11 during the current spring, but managed to survive and add 13 more to his tally.

It's not a great score, but not historically shabby.

I believe his dad got to 29 before being caught and bowled by a heart attack.

So I'm sure people had one eye on beating that score, but he couldn't do it.

Yeah, but they put on 50 between them, which, you know, I mean,

I had a 50 partnership with my own son in a village cricket match last year.

And I can tell you how satisfying that was in terms of the father-son bonding.

So for the Assads between them to have clocked up more than half a century in power,

it's not bad.

I mean, and also, I guess, like you said, 24 years.

I remember thinking when Gaddafi was toppled and had that metal bar shuffle where metal bars are not entirely designed to go.

There must have been a moment during that as he just attempted to relax as much as was possible in the circumstances that he thought, yeah, fair play.

I had this coming.

On balance, I reckon I'm still up.

So,

who was Bashar al-Assad?

Well, in short, he was an arsehole.

And to be fair, he remains an arsehole, just an arsehole who doesn't live in Syria anymore.

His dad, Hafez al-Assad, died on June 10th, 2000.

And Bashar took over only after the Constitution of Syria was apparently amended.

Because previously, the minimum wage requirement to be president had been 40, but it was suddenly lowered to 34.

And you will never guess how old Bashar al-Assad was at that time.

And I'll give you a clue.

It wasn't 33 and it wasn't 35, but it was somewhere between those two numbers

which means andy he's not just a dictator he's a nepo dictator which is

the worst kind he didn't even earn his power with a coup he earned it with his dad dying and a suspiciously fast and specific constitutional amendment classic nepo dictator move

um oh yeah you say he came to power june 2000 with originally

proclaimed a liberal democratic agenda and whilst this coincided with a significant upturn in the performances of the England cricket team, who defeated West Indies at home, then won away in Pakistan and Sri Lanka the following winter, it didn't pan out quite so well long term.

Within a year, Assad had started cracking down on press and political freedom, and England lost the 2001 ashes very heavily to Australia.

So, I mean, change, as so often the case, you know, it's an ephemeral, it's an ephemeral business.

History is complicated.

The Assads are apparently in Russia right now, and the Russian government said that Assad had stepped down as president following a personal decision.

I guess that's technically true, although that careful phrasing is leaving an awful lot of context.

Now, I'd argue it was less a personal decision of his and more a personal decision of millions of Syrians.

But again, technically, their statement is not inaccurate.

I guess you could also argue that he made a personal decision to step down rather than, in all likelihood, be thrown in prison or murdered in the streets, because it does seem like Assad went with the signature dictator move of flying out of his country in the middle of the night after securing a bunch of assets approach.

It's what it's one that many have favored over the years, and you can, to be fair, probably see why.

In terms of how they go out, now you already mentioned him.

I think it feels that most dictators have a sliding scale of preference with what

Gaddafi's exit probably being the lowest of the low end.

It really felt like many of them saw what happened to Gaddafi and thought, okay, okay, I see that.

So, honestly, anything but that is going to be a win to me.

Anything north of being publicly stabbed in the anus with a bayonet, and I'm playing with the house's money.

When I say house's money, I, of course, mean my country's money embezzled over a number of decades.

There was actually more careful language from Dmitry Peskov, the Kremlin spokesperson, who said that Bashar al-Assad and his family had indeed been granted asylum in Russia, and that Russia had been...

quote, as surprised as everyone else by what had happened, and that Syria was clearly, and I quote, going through a very difficult period now due to instability which again feels like a selective use of the passive voice and notably leaves out the fact that Syria has also gone through a difficult period over the last 24 years thanks to Beshar Allah Saad Moscow's newest transplant because the man's record I've recorded of a century in charge isn't great andy ethnic cleansing check War crimes including the use of chemical weapons check holocaust denial oh checkety check on that one Andy apparently in December last year Assad claimed there was no evidence of the killing of six million Jews during the Holocaust, which is hard to take from anyone, especially a trained optometrist.

The evidence is right in front of your eyes, Bashar.

Maybe, maybe he just needed evidence of the Holocaust presented to him like during an eye test.

Just hold up a myth book in front of his face, saying, Can you see the evidence of six million Jews being killed now, Bashar?

How about now?

How about now?

Is it clear with your left eye or your right, Bashar?

To be fair to the man, it is not like he didn't actively try to polish his image over the years.

He famously hired both American and British PR firms and consultants to try and give him and his wife an image makeover, the nadir of which may have been Vogue's issue from March 2011.

I know you remember it, Andy.

Which featured glamorous photos of Assad's wife and was headlined A Rose in the Desert, referring to her as the freshest and most magnetic of first ladies.

And to be honest, unless they meant magnetic literally there, that metal forks and iron filings could stick to her.

Vogue's fact-checking department should be ashamed of itself.

So, his wife, Asma, born and grew up in London,

and her father was a cardiologist at the Cromwell Hospital in London.

And if having a father who worked at somewhere named after Oliver Cromwell didn't send some pretty strong warnings about what happens to leaders when they lose power, Ben,

I don't know.

I don't think anything, anything could have done really.

I mean, in terms of Assad,

John,

he promised to launch, when he came to power, he promised to launch our own democratic experience, which I guess in a way he did,

just with more murder, chemical weaponry, and state brutality than a lot of democratic experiences.

tend to go.

I guess it's like one of those Christmas experiences where the Santa Claus is obviously a bored 42-year-old divorcee and a fake beard and the magical Winter Wonderland is a deflated bouncy castle with cocaine instead of snow.

And the nativity scene is graphically realistic, visually and sonically.

It's just not what you want.

It's not saying it's not a Christmas experience, it's just not the ones that you want to take your little kids to.

Yeah, it's the wonker experience, the Scottish Wonka experience of democracy.

One of the many reasons I'm so glad that we have a chance to talk about this now, Andy, is because we talked a lot about Assad in the past, and it is nice to kind of bookend all of the incredible information that came out about him back then, including I'm sure we all remember that leak leak showing his iTunes purchases, including songs by LMFAO and Wright Said Fred.

Still one of my favorite things that I've ever learned about a murderous strongman, because you tend to associate despots with musical grandeur, don't you?

Hitler, famously a big old Wagner fan.

What you do not expect necessarily is for a palace outside Damascus to be

echoing to the vocals of Red Foo and Sky Blue, singing party rock anthem from LMFAO's masterpiece album, Sorry for Party Rocking.

I believe

the only album in musical history whose title preemptively apologised for one of its tracks.

That's not even getting into Right Said Fred.

The fact that Assad liked them so much, it actually inspired me to the point that in the first year of Do It Last Week Tonight, when we were doing a story about Assad, I actually flew Right Said Fred over to New York to do a version of I'm Too Sexy with the lyrics changed to insult Assad.

And I don't think it's necessarily a coincidence that that happened on June 8th, 2014.

Just 10 years, six months later to the day, Assad fell.

I'm not saying I did it.

Let me be clear.

I'm not saying Wright Said Fred did it.

I'm saying that's one hell of a coincidence.

Also, actually, Andy, for some full context there, I believe Wright Said Fred have since developed some more extreme political views, including coming out in favor of Russia's invasion of Ukraine.

So their position on the subject of Syria and Assad may have changed in the last decade.

I do not speak for Wright Said Fred, Andy.

The Fairbrass brothers speak for themselves as they always have.

And of course, you know, I'm sexy and I know it was

very much the, I mean, pretty much the Syrian national anthem for those middle years of

Assad's rule.

But what next for him now, John, since he's been given the red card

by

his own people?

It's going to take quite a while, I think, to rehabilitate his reputation, even to the extent where he might get invitations to go on reality TV shows.

I mean, it's hard to see what's next.

I mean, he's 59.

He was born on the 11th of September, which seems doubly insensitive in hindsight, 1965.

So in just nine months' time, John, he'll be able to sing I'm 60 and I know it, which could be quite an amusing thing to while away the long, long Russian winter ahead.

That's assuming he hasn't gotten that.

I think releasing I'm 60 and I know it on September the 11th is provocative.

It's hard to know what transferable skills he has, though.

I mean, I guess he could go back to ophthalmology.

Yes.

But

I mean, that might be difficult given his profile.

Could be off-putting for his patience, I imagine.

Even if he is quite, I mean, like, you know, Whoopi Goldberg, before

she became the the figure that that we know her as, was a mortuary beautician.

But, you know, if you took a a deceased relative into a mortuary and there was Whoopi Goldberg with with some makeup now,

you know,

that's not what you want, is it?

I'm not saying Goldberg and Assad are peas in a pod.

And let me make that very, very clear indeed.

I'm just saying that you can't always go back to your old job.

That's all I'm saying.

Was Whoopi Goldberg a Mortui technician?

And here's the problem with crying wolf so much.

I think there's a wolf inside right now.

I'm doubting whether its furry face is real.

Was she really a Mortui makeup artist?

Yep.

I double-checked that.

That's an amazing Goldberg fact.

Yeah.

I worry that's one of the things that I will forget loved ones' birthdays before I forget the fact that Woopie Goldberg was once a mortuary makeup artist.

I think I might forget everything else about Woopie Goldberg.

Yeah.

Just remember that.

Is that

a mortuary makeup artist whose life?

I don't know what we're talking about.

The ghost.

God fucking incredible.

Stugging her whole life for that.

According to Wikipedia, she was also a bricklayer.

Really?

There we go.

So, dairy career.

Yeah.

Big Joe Stalin was a meteorologist.

But, you know, you don't want him popping up on a weather forecast, do you?

It's not just a question of who's what's next for Assad, though, is it?

And it's what's coming next for Syria.

And we're definitely in...

who the f ⁇ knows territory right now.

I mean, regarding how President-elect Trump is going to handle the instability to come, I would not count on him employing a particularly nuanced touch.

This is a man

who's previously referred to Syria as a land of sand and death.

And I'm afraid his sentence then ended there, and he didn't, unfortunately, continue on to say Syria is a land of sand and death, and also 23 million people.

And I probably should have led with that and left the sand part out.

It was a land of sand and death, not the never-filmed fourth series of

the Spartacus TV show.

I'm pretty sure it was

i think it's for a while

i think it was for a while the um official town slogan of clackton on sea

i could be wrong

i think i'm right

it's also trump trump also andy said this is not our fight um for the US something that to put it mildly has not historically stopped the us

before it's like hearing the british empire say it's none of our business, or this does not belong to us.

Not necessarily as reassuring a statement as it might initially sound.

Well, I guess it shows that Trump is learning from history because we learn so often from history the dangers of fighting wars on two fronts.

And America, obviously, its most important war is with itself.

And

you can't afford to be distracted over the next four years by

that holy mission.

Yeah, with all the justified relief over Assad being gone, there is also massive factionalism to be confronted in the future.

Assad was toppled by the advance of Abu Muhammad al-Ghalani, a militant leader with long-time ties to al-Qaeda, but who is now presenting himself much softer.

Apparently, as he entered Damascus, he even dropped his assumed name and used his real one, Ahmed Al-Shara.

He has spent years trying to remake his image, no longer wearing guerrilla attire for one, instead wearing suits for press interviews and talking about finding ways to decentralize power to reflect the diversity of serious population.

And I've got to say, that is a real PR glow-up.

Like a geopolitical she's all that situation.

He took off his combat fatigues, and it turns out he was compatible with Western interests all along.

When are you going to drop

your stage name, Balthazar?

Not yet, Andy.

Not yet.

As soon as I too advance towards Damascus, I think that's normally when you do it.

Any other options for Assad, potentially, other than going back to ophthalmology?

Prison inspector.

He seems to know quite a bit about that.

Punditry, John.

I mean, ex-sports players often turn into quite strongly opinionated TV analysts on their own sport.

And even those who failed at management themselves can be quite outspoken about their peers.

So could Bashar Al-Assad get a gig reviewing other leaders for TV news channels?

Well, Brian, I just think Javier's left far too many of his political opponents out of jail there.

And I think he's going to come back to bite him.

Are you saying he's the Gary Neville of dictators?

No, I think you're inferring that.

I'm not saying that.

He could be a social media influencer,

after-dinner speaker.

He's got a lot of stories to tell.

But most likely, podcaster, because it's 2024.

I can't see how he's not going to do a podcast.

Yeah, that seems almost inevitable.

And honestly,

Gary Neville has a podcast franchise.

The overlap could very easily launch a kind of dictator series with him sitting around with maybe Les Ferdinand and

talking about the mistakes that they see Kim Jong

Oon making.

Well,

Alan Shearer, Les Ferdinand, and Bashar al-Assad talking geopolitics.

I hate to say it, Andy.

That's quite a good podcast.

It's almost worth it just to hear the three of them trying to cold read adverts as well.

What a lovely mattress

Can suit even the tiniest of jail souls.

Right, well we will have full world-exclusive updates on how the serious situation pans out over the next 30 years.

And John, do come back to keep us updated on

it.

Maybe, I don't know, I can see, you know.

I can see you, I mean, you've had a fine singing voice that's come out nearly enough during the course of your career.

I can see

you and Assad doing an album of classic duets.

Yeah.

To maybe just completely remake the Sorry for Party Rocking album.

Sorry for party rocking brackets.

Assad is really sorry, though.

America update now.

And well, John, obviously

you study American politics to a very deep, deep level.

And without wishing to burden you with too much of the blame for the state of America, since you went to America in 2006, it's gone completely around the f ⁇ ing spout.

Don't watch where this is going at all, Andy.

Since you stopped doing the bugle, that was 2015.

Since then, Donald Trump has won two more presidential elections than he'd won in the previous 13 billion years of history.

Now, obviously, it can be hard

to comprehend as an outsider why America...

in the election this year, given what seemed to be a choice between a glass of slightly off milk and a cocktail of rat, poison, mercury, scorpion venom and pure literal bile they've had that choice they've picked up the glass of milk they've hurled it onto the ceiling above their own heads and said no way am i drinking that shit before downing the cocktail in one as the shards of glass fell into their hair whilst gurgling i am what i am so you know from this perspective from you know someone who's you know gone to america and uncaked this jeroboam of mayhem tell me i mean what what what what do you make of it and what does the future hold

well i'm no idea what the future holds andy um You know, predicting Trump's behavior is a fool's errand.

America has made, you know, a bold choice, if I may sound like

a Russian state official describing

what's happened in Syria.

A bold choice.

It's going to be a time of instability for sure.

And, you know, maybe, maybe Trump has learnt important lessons, as you would hope most presidents do from a first term in office.

It seems monumentally unlikely, given his history in office and as a human being.

But, you know, America loves a comeback story.

And unfortunately, it's decided to give him one because

he looked absolutely out, Andy.

Remember when he launched that coup?

It seems that

the majority of Americans didn't remember that or didn't care about it or look back on it with a fondness that doesn't really make any sense.

Well, you know, I guess there's a chance that he could surprise us all with a four-year term of healing, humanity, and humility.

Another surprise reveal.

We've seen it in Syria, as you just said.

I mean, stranger things have happened, like when Queen Victoria got out of her mind on a 10-year LSD binge and spent an entire decade sitting on top of Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square screaming at pigeons.

I mean, things like that.

I mean, that didn't happen.

But had it happened, that would have been a stranger thing

than Trump.

It's odd to realise that the best case scenario is relentless grift for four years.

The one thing that gave me hope was

when he was at the reopening of Notre Dame and he was sitting with Jill Biden, and

they then released a picture of her looking at him and

basically made some comment like he was irresistible and then started selling cologne and perfumes off the back of it for $199.

And that was the first moment that gave me hope.

If that's all it's going to be, if it's just going to be shameless grift,

maybe we can get through this.

I mean, the journey of American politics since you moved to the US, I guess, can be seen in Barack Obama's publishing career.

In 2006, the year you

jumped the British Titanic,

Barack Obama published The Audacity of Hope.

2015, he published his follow-up after

years in

years in government, which is entitled The Dull, Throbbing, Gastric Pain and Spiritual Nausea of Administrative Reality.

And this year, his latest home on America is entitled.

So I guess it's been an interesting 18 years to be there.

Yeah, he's always been a good orator, no matter what you think about his politics, hasn't he?

He knows how to turn a phrase.

And

it does really speak to the moment we're in.

Well, the state of the UK, John.

Yeah, how's it going over there, Andy?

Well, let me bring you up to date.

with the country you abandoned in its hour of need to pursue your dream of becoming the first British rodeo champion back in the summer of 06.

It's a very different place now, John.

Gone is the peacefully harmonious nation in which we all lived as one, bound by our sacred national love of fair play, low-quality meat, even song, bare-knuckle boxing in fairgrounds, dogs, the Queen hamsters, a fortnight's worth of tennis per year, and the nurturing sense that despite all the evidence of the contrary, we were all in it together.

Those days are gone, John.

The days when coal-covered street children would happily fashion matches from the pristine woodlands of Wessex to light the pipes of wealthy but benevolent landowners, who would happily lend their own private hinges to grieving families to give their pagan uncles the burial they deserved.

When dancing maidens would milk the royal swans whilst codpiece-wearing bishops played croquet with the skulls of our vanquished foes on a sunlit autumn evening.

They're gone, John.

Those days are sadly gone.

It's a different country now.

I can hear Jerusalem playing behind you.

It's daylight.

So it's an absolute elegy for a Britain long gone and which also never existed, crucially.

The best sort of Britain, John.

The one that keeps us going.

The best Britain is the one concocted in one's mind.

Now we have a prime minister and a leader of the opposition who this week have been arguing about whether sandwiches are a valid lunch food.

We've had Nigel Farage.

Hold on.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

You can't skip on to what Nigel Farage said.

You can't say, I don't know what you're talking about, and I actually do need to know more.

So Kemi Badenot, who is the latest interim leader of the Conservative Party,

stated that lunch is for wimps.

I don't think sandwiches are a real food.

I won't touch bread if it's moist.

And I mean, this is a huge turnover for the conservatives.

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lot there.

I mean,

the lunch is for wimps is so

eye-catching as a statement.

Because what's breakfast and dinner for?

Breakfast is for cowards.

Dinner is for the infirm.

What on earth is that happening?

I will say,

I won't touch bread if it's damp.

Not the worst

of that sequence of statements.

Yep.

I mean, lunches for Wimps, I guess, you know, in terms of funding of food in schools,

that's pretty consistent for the Conservatives in terms of

not feeding the children of Britain.

Right.

Nutrition is for cattle.

Sandwiches are just objectively a perfectly appropriate lunch choice.

We have to at some point get back to facts.

This feels like just just that taking anti-science to its absolute extreme what about the blt and thing this is blt erasure yep

well kier starmer the prime minister uh please tell me we had a firm response to that he did i mean he's still i hope he ran straight down to gregg's wrote himself a cheese and pickle and then munched it triumphantly on the floor of the house of commons to cheers and everyone thinking he's actually doing something

yeah in certain solution he described and he is still struggling to surf the ripple of public tolerance that swept into power in july but it was one of his strongest statements yet he said that sandwiches are a great british institution the only problem with that job oh hold on hold on

god damn it

the only problem with that is that great british institutions have got a pretty checkered track record off over the last few hundred years it's fair to say it makes you think what dark secrets and institutionalized scandals are sandwiches trying to keep from leaking into the public domain?

It doesn't bear thinking about.

So that's the nation we are.

Like I said, Nigel Farage is basically

whoring the soul of the nation to the nearest available trillionaire.

We've got a political class that has stripped the country to its bones, but spent most of its time grumbling about pronouns.

The economy is showing the dynamism of a partially defrosted woolly mammoth corpse.

Everyone is angry about everything and everyone else.

Andy Murray has f ⁇ ing retired as if things couldn't get any worse.

We haven't even had a f ⁇ ing jubilee to distract ourselves since the Queen waltzed off into the sunset, contrary to the will of the people two years ago.

The balance of water to shit in our rivers is approaching the psychologically crucial 50-50 mark, and our trains of downed tools are now just mostly work from home.

Fundamentally, John, we've reached a point, which might be familiar to you in the USA, where we've become a nation in which political success is basically functionally impossible because our politics and media is specifically geared to oppositional destructivism.

And I don't even know if that is a term, but I think it should be one.

And I'm prepared to say it is one now.

And everyone thinks they're right, and everyone else is wrong.

And if you disagree with me on that, you're incorrect.

Point-proof.

And that sound you've been hearing from across the Atlantic, John.

That is the sound of democracy crumbling into a heap like a naughty zoo elephant being electrocuted by Thomas Edison in very, very, very slow motion.

Sport now, and the soul of football is even deader than than it already was.

This, John, after FIFA, the uproariously off-the-wall living comedy art installation that somehow found itself running the world's most popular sport, has pranked the football world yet again.

A minor prank with the 2030 World Cup from an organization that likes to promote its environmental credentials by announcing a World Cup spanning three continents and four hemispheres, including three single games in South America.

Because you can't score carbon goals without leaving a carbon footprint, John.

It's absolutely incredible.

The

2034 World Cup has been awarded to Saudi Arabia, a decision that would be genuinely shocking if and only if you knew nothing about the history of how FIFA operates.

Because to be honest, a three-minute skim of their Wikipedia page would be enough to make you go, oh, they gave it to the Saudis.

Yeah, that seems about right.

As you say, in making this decision, FIFA ignored their own bidding rules and entered into a complicated bit of that basically included strong-arming South America into giving up on its hopes of hosting the 100th anniversary of the World Cup and instead taking some weird, inexplicable deal where the first three games of the 2030 World Cup get played in Uruguay, Argentina, and Paraguay before the rest of the tournament gets moved to Spain, Portugal, and Morocco.

Very fun for the teams that then have to fly to the opposite side of the world to play their next game.

But luckily for FIFA, they clearly couldn't give even a suggestion of a shit about that.

My main concern here for FIFA, Andy, is where does this leave them as an organization?

How can they go lower from here?

They've always been one of the world's great amoral cartels, but how do they continue pushing your expectations of them down?

Because it is genuinely going to be a challenge for them to go lower than this, but I do believe in them.

I believe they can do it.

Could the 2038 World Cup be awarded to an active war zone somehow?

That might be a good move for them.

They could award it to North Korea, although honestly that feels like kind of a lateral move for them at this point.

They could host a World Cup in international waters where absolutely no rules apply, just build platforms in the middle of the ocean somewhere.

Sure, it's a practical nightmare and people would probably die trying to do it, but neither of those things have stopped FIFA before, have they?

Also, they could just throw teams off a ship into the water and ask them to play football on it.

Is it really asking much more than asking them to play in 125-degree temperatures?

I'm not sure that it is.

Actually, you know what, Andy?

The one move.

I think they could make, which would take their moral bankruptcy to a new nadir, is that they could just sell the World Cup to some billionaire.

You know like when Martin Shrelly bought the only copy of the Wu-Tang Clan album so that only he could hear it?

I think if the price was right, Infantino would sell the World Cup to a billionaire and play the entire World Cup in front of only them.

No one on health earth could watch it, only one guy.

And I think that in doing that, Infantino would claim that FIFA was growing the game.

That's the logical endpoint of taking sport off free-to-air television.

It's just

a single gazillionaire.

I mean, I guess, I mean, let's try and look on the positive side, John.

After the success of the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, when four weeks of gripping football made everyone forget about the rampant exploitation and the thousands of deaths of migrant workers, I mean, what a final that was.

I mean,

is the 2034 World Cup going to be sober?

Also, we live in the 2020s, John.

We know as citizens of the world that it's a fundamental human right for states and individuals to buy up the souls of sport to distract from their own failings and atrocities.

That is essentially what sport is for now.

And that's what's been cut back in British schools.

Because if you teach kids the joy of sport, they'll end up thinking that crime is legal if you buy a Premier League football team.

And I don't want to live in a country like that.

I could probably tolerate it.

The hypocrisy of FIFA is quite impressive.

Article 4 of the FIFA statute on their own website states that discrimination of any kind against a country, private person, or group of people on account of race, ethnic, national, or social origin, gender, disability, religion, political opinion, or wealth, birth or sexual orientation is, capital letters, strictly prohibited.

Just to repeat what you said, they've just awarded the 2034 World Cup to Saudi Arabia.

I mean, there's some circles that

can't be squared, or can't even be circled, actually.

And I think

this is one of them.

You say that, Andy, but just to give FIFA a voice here, they called the Saudi bid a very strong all-round proposition and said that the tournament could act as a catalyst and contribute to positive human rights outcomes which sure you know I guess technically that could happen it won't but it but it could yeah and in FIFA's analysis of the Saudi period it also noted a commitment to sustainability and climate change yeah they have they have made a commitment to climate change I guess Andy to be fair you know they didn't say in which direction they were going to change the tournament

legally that might be defensible yeah one of the proposed stadiums is apparently going to be on top of a 350 meter high structure that hasn't been built yet in a city that doesn't yet exist, and that will only be accessible via high-speed lifts and driverless vehicles.

That all sounds plausible.

Not just the ice cream-infused rambling of a kid with a crayon designing something.

Infantino now has 10 years, Andy, to write a speech.

somehow worse than the one that he gave the day before the Qatari World Cup began.

But I hope he's already started work because it is worth remembering how difficult it's going to be to top that.

Because his 55-minute speech back then genuinely may have been one of the worst pieces of oratory in the history of the spoken word if you remember he opened with today i feel qatari today i feel arabic today i feel african today i feel gay today i feel disabled today i feel like a migrant worker he then added of course i'm not qatari in a six cents level twist i'm not an arab I'm not African.

I'm not gay.

I'm not disabled.

But I feel like it because I know what it means to be discriminated against, to be bullied as a foreigner in a foreign country.

As a child, I was bullied because I had red hair and freckles, plus I was Italian.

So imagine.

And I mean, what an absolute big swing to take at the start of an hour-long speech, Andy.

At that point, you're just inherently thinking, regretfully, you have my full undivided attention.

When someone doubles down to this extent, it's unfortunately impossible to look away.

He later tripled down because when someone pointed out that he hadn't mentioned women at all in his press conference, he said, oh, I feel like a woman too.

He went full Shemiah Twain in response to that.

I mean, Saudi Arabia, Freedom House website gave him one out of 40 for political rights, freedoms,

seven out of 60 for civil liberties.

So there's a few work-ons, I guess.

What's he getting the one for?

Freedom House does not give out zeros.

Is that what it is?

You never get a zero.

It's a starting point of one.

Yeah, it's just for writing your name on the sheet.

I think you get one.

The regime relies on pervasive surveillance, so football's controversial VAR video refereeing system should fit right in.

And FIFA's also said that if Saudi Arabia conducts a seamless, friendly World Cup, then they will give them three Slayer Journalist of Your Choosing tokens to be redeemed at the convenience of the Saudi government.

So hopefully that'll be a good incentive to make sure that the World Cup goes well.

It just makes me think, John, you know, what will that World Cup be like for the winning captain?

You think, you know, you know, that moment's supposed to be like the pinnacle of their career.

Do you think in Qatar 2022 for the winning captain of the Argentinian team then?

He must have been thinking this is all built on a lie and all messy situation.

Oh, no.

Anyway, FIFA, of course, had been accused of corruption before, John.

I mean, how did Russia win the 2018 bid tournament, which ended up with the French goalkeeper lifting the trophy?

Possibly through bribes.

Vans full of silver, not enough.

Well, then, here you go.

Lorries full of gold.

Instead,

I hate what happens to your face when you start doing this.

They bribed bribe delegates with fancy foods at Brazil in 2014, one by Germany, of course.

Yeah.

Tale of Lobster, Sirlon of Beef, Lamb, Philip Lamb.

In South Africa, 2010, before the final, they gifted environmentally friendly toilets for FIFA delegates to sit on.

They were so comfortable that some of them sat on them for hours and missed the final, one by Spain under the captain of their goalkeeper.

Their backsides went numb.

A A medical condition known as eco-casias.

Ecocasias.

Ecocasikasias.

That really works.

That is unacceptable.

I just got an email from Human Rights Watch giving you a one out of ten for that pun.

In 2006, the World Cup in Germany, one by Italy, they bribed them with drinks, a choice of award-winning ales or tins of French sparkling water.

So they asked them, would you like a fab beer or can of RO?

Can of RO.

Oh.

2002, of of course, they gave them free meals for their pets, but in code, they dropped the last letters of words so people wouldn't know when they offered them dofu and cafu.

1998, one by France at home, of course, free meals three times a day to chomp down on.

You did your morning chomps for breakfast, you did your evening chomps for dinner, and for lunch,

you did your day chomps.

Did your day chomps?

I mean, it's quite niche.

1994 in the USA, they gave them so much food, the FIFA delegates, they also need to give them clothing that was loose fitting around the stomach.

Dunger Reese.

Dunga being the Brazilian captain.

I mean you'd have to look quite a lot of these up if you're not really into football.

But John, for your return, I just felt something needed to happen.

1990, of course, Germany, the inspirational midfielder was captain, lifted the cup.

There were special products being handed out.

After a deal with the tobacco industry and Portuguese winemakers, they were mixing cigarettes with wine.

You could get a high-tar port or a low-tar Matteus rose.

I'm so disappointed with myself for laughing at that.

In Mexico, 1986, won by Argentina, of course, with football's leading genius as captain.

The authorities wanted them.

Then they sent out district attorneys to spoil FIFA delegates' dinner by interrupting them whilst eating free kebabs.

They told the DA, go Maradona.

Yep.

I said that.

Spain,

Italy won in Spain Spain in 1980 under another goalkeeper captain, but again, there was corruption.

One FIFA delegate was caught taking a bribe in full disguise and was instructed to take his disguise off in four steps.

A, fake beard off, B, glasses off, C, makeup off, D, nose off.

D, nose off.

I mean, that's, you know, if you're up to speed with Italian goalkeeping in the early 1980s, that's

that works.

I'll be honest,

in 1978, Argentina won at home with their uh star defender as uh

as captain and uh FIFA delegates were

encouraged to pick up their suitcases full of cash by um

going uh down uh a road uh and then through a zoo uh they were instructed that uh you go past the lion enclosure daniel pasarella fantastic

daniel pasarella was a real challenge even for me john 1974 uh germany uh won at home.

And

there was one incident where a FIFA delegate was bribed his mate to summon his dog by gesturing with his fingers to come and then pretending to bark.

And the dog responded to his friend's beckoned bow, wow.

Of course, Mexico, 1970,

are you still there?

The food was quite weird.

Physically, emotionally, I died

at the low tharmatias once.

Special FIFA dinner in 1970 when Brazil won.

And the food they gave the delicates, very kind of rare

and probably illegal food.

It was a large digit from the foot of an ursine creature from the local forest.

Huge it was.

A colossal

bear toe.

Colossal bear toe.

He scored the fourth goal in that final.

Carlos I'd like to.

That's where I'm stopping, John.

I'm not going back as far as 1966.

I mean it.

No more.

There we go.

Buglers, I think we can all agree: first, comedy was a mistake, just in general.

And two, I would just implore everyone, don't be relieved it's over,

be angry that that pun run ever started.

I've been clean for quite a long time, John, but it's just you coming back for this week's show.

Yeah,

I fell off the wagon.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

We will be back next week with our final full bugle of the year with Alice Fraser and Neil Delamere.

Don't forget to buy your tickets to my show as Christmas presents for everyone you know.

More dates have been added to the tour.

Hopefully, I'll be going to Australia at the end of next year to do some shows there.

Stroke, watch shitloads of cricket.

Anything to plug, John?

No, I've got nothing to plug.

Andy.

I'll plug your stand-up date as well.

Oh, thanks very much.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, that's the end of this week's Bugle.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

Lovely to have you back on the show, John.

And

see you at some point in the next

45 years.

Was it 45 years, you said?

45, yeah, 45.

45, see you in 45.

It's got it around 45.

Bye!

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

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Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

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