Campaign For Traditional Bullying

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4323 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me Andy Zoltzman in the Shade of Immutable Truth here in South London.

And I'm joined for this bugle on, we are recording on the 29th of November which is officially Black Friday commemorating of course the the part of the Christmas story where Joseph and Mary got 20% off a crib and some

some budget nappies

planning ahead as always I'm joined by two comedians who are doing this show on a massive discount just to just to just to mark the occasion I assume firstly joining me also here in London a big welcome back to Felicity Ward hello Felicity.

Hello.

I thought Black Friday was celebrating the death of the recommended retail price, but.

And, well, there's always different ways of interpreting the scripture, aren't there?

It's a day of mourning.

And also, also joining us from the other side of the Atlantic, it's Hari Kondobolu.

Hello, Hari.

Hey, Andy.

How are you?

I'm adequate.

There, I'll double.

Yes.

As high as I'm prepared to go.

In depression terms, that means good.

Yeah.

It's a sliding scale.

Yeah.

The one just below that is still here.

Still here.

Or this is the worst one.

How are you?

Do you want the real answer?

Oh, no.

Someone asked me in their cafe the other day.

They're like, how's your day?

And I'm like, do you want the honest answer or just a cafe answer?

And he's like, the honest answer, I'm like, mate, I'm rough as guts.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

And he burst into laughter.

I'm like, i'm glad you're laughing

i tried that once and it felt like everything came to a screeching halt in the cafe oh okay yeah i i caught the one rare hospitality worker in the uk that wanted to engage

that's that's why we don't fool him exactly

don't do it he'll never do that again

me once shame on you me twice shame on me to quote the wire

also i think that was from one of Jesus' teenage parables as well.

I think that was Mary's, wasn't it?

Fuck me once.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I've been in the house all day by myself.

I haven't spoken to anyone.

I'm overstimulated already.

So, as I said, we are recording on the 29th of November 2024.

Hurry, this is your first time on

since the election

earlier this month.

how's your November been?

Why do you have to bring that up?

There was no reason to bring that up.

We all knew it was there.

We all knew.

How has my November been?

We electated.

We elected a dictator.

Yeah,

it's been a rough go.

And not only did he win, he crushed the opponent.

That's,

you know, and and I have to go on tour in this country, Andy.

I have to,

you know, I got shows coming up in North and South Carolina, Virginia.

You know, who won't be turning up?

White women.

Not according to the polls.

They're not turning up for you, Harry.

And I would like to apologize.

The very first time you were on the bugle was our

first

issue of the

relaunch era.

And at at that point in the history of humanity, Donald Trump had never been elected president of the USA.

That's right.

That's right.

Except on The Simpsons.

Yeah,

we had discussed it in a bugle several years before as something so ludicrous that it would never happen.

Now it's happened twice.

And if it happens a third time, then humanity will officially have ended.

We are recording on the 29th of November 2024.

On this, well, in fact, on the 30th of November 1872, the first ever official international football match took place in Glasgow between Scotland and England.

It was a nil-nil draw, prompting a furious press backlash about how the England team was unable to create more clear-cut goal scoring opportunities, and the team seemed weighed down by the shirt.

Calls for the managers to be sacked and fevered media criticism about the avant-garde 1-1-8 formation, not really applying to the English players' strengths.

The next few decades luckily saw a rapid development in radio as scientists raced to develop develop a technology that would allow football fans to call in and vent their frustrations to a willfully provocative host.

So it was a key moment in the social history of the United Kingdom.

In 1936, just down the road from where I am, the Crystal Palace was destroyed by fire, originally built for the Great Exhibition in

early mid-Victorian times.

It was moved to South London

and burnt down 88 years ago tomorrow.

We still haven't got around to fixing it.

88 years later, later this country has quite metaphorically gone to the dogs and um looking at to the 1st of december uh 1959 uh was a significant date uh in the cold war apparently it was uh very cold uh it was the opening um it was the signature for the antarctic treaty which set aside antarctica as a scientific preserve and banned military activity on the continent and I don't think it's gone that well for Antarctica.

I mean, if you look at the world's most successful and popular continents, military activity really helps a continent progress.

I mean, Europe, Asia, classic examples, thousands of years of war, and way more famous artists, writers, scientists and TV celebrities than have ever come from Antarctica.

So, you know.

And what have they got?

A bunch of fing penguins.

Exactly.

That's all they got to show for it.

So that rather woke idea of it being

a non-military continent.

It's not working out very fing well for it.

Will we ever learn?

As always, the secular bugle is going straight in the bin.

Well, since we are approaching the 1st of December, we have a bugle advent calendar for you.

And this year we have a special conspiracy theories advent calendar.

One conspiracy theory for every day of December for you to open each morning.

So here are your first seven conspiracy theories for the first of December.

Goldfish are recording devices which transmit details about your home to a network of dark websters who share your information with local burglars so they know where your valuables are.

Now, of course, it's not just a conspiracy theory.

We have have to provide supporting evidence.

Evidence, numerous households with goldfish have been burgled.

What more proof do you f ⁇ ?

Your conspiracy theory for the 2nd of December.

Dwight D.

Eisenhower, the former American president, was in fact a French agent tasked with overturning the Louisiana Purchase and getting the over 800,000 square miles of land that France flogged to the US in 1803 back for the land-strapped celebrity European nation.

The evidence for this is that Eisenhower spent a year in France in the late 1920s, then then cropped up again there in 1944.

So, draw your own conclusions, people.

The conspiracy theory for the 3rd of December is that the penalty kick missed by pop legend Diana Ross at the opening ceremony of the 1994 Men's Football World Cup was in fact taken by a Diana Ross impersonator.

Ross herself had been whisked off to Europe under the pretence of scoping out the continent for a potential tour.

FIFA then paid a Diana Ross impersonator to miss the penalty deliberately to set back the cause of women's sport for a generation.

And the evidence is that that's just the kind of thing that would happen in football.

And also, someone saw someone who looked like Dana Ross looking around a museum in Athens, Greece on the day of the World Cup opening ceremony.

And perhaps most pertinent of all, a gig by the leading New Testament-themed tribute act Die on a Cross was

cancelled that self-same day.

Come on, mate.

4th of December, your conspiracy theory is the equator is in the wrong place.

Evidence, just a hunch.

5th of December, that the moon landings of 1969 actually happened in 1937, but they sat on the footage for over 30 years because no one would have believed it.

The evidence is that the footage is a bit grainy.

The weather on Earth in the background of the footage was pretty much the same as it was in July 1937, and someone called Neil Armstrong was probably born in 1899.

Your hoax for the sixth is that E.T.,

the renowned film, was a hoax.

The evidence is that the moon in the famous flying bicycle scene is too big.

Also, it was a cloudy night when the alleged incident happened and

you can see the flags moving in the wind.

And on the 7th of December your final conspiracy theory for this week's bugle.

The pyramids in Egypt were built the wrong way around.

They were supposed to be four-sided stadiums with triangular stands but because the architects didn't have modern computers they got confused and built them with the stands facing away from each other not towards each other.

And that's the evidence for that is just basic common sense.

So those are your conspiracy theories.

I can back up the equator one.

I think that's a really good one.

If they were so confident that the equator was in the right place, why would everyone near the equator be sweating all the time?

They're nervous.

They're afraid they're going to be found out.

Well, there you go.

I mean, sadly, those are not the most ludicrous conspiracy theories.

Science.

Science.

Andy, as I was hearing you go through those seven days, I kept thinking to myself, there is nothing else this man could do other than this.

Like,

the skills that you have in your writing, and like, it's so good, but where else could it go, Andy?

Untranslatable, Harry?

Untranslatable.

Well, there you go.

I have two skills in life.

One is bullshit, and the other is knowing about cricket statistics.

Fortunately, I've managed to carve a career out of it.

Ironically, peaking at the moment.

You might remember, Buglers, in the section of in last week, we asked you to send in your suggestions for what should replace the now woefully inappropriate Statue of Liberty ahead of Donald Trump's second term.

We will have a selection of your responses later in the show.

Top story this week: the world reaches a half-assed deal that won't work to fix the environment.

In a dance as old as environmental science itself, humanity has come together to act against its own self-interest once again.

A late $300 billion deal

basically left everyone leaving the COP29 conference in the dubiously selected host nation of Azerbaijan thinking that, well, basically, we're all f ⁇ ed.

It was something.

It was in some ways an ideal compromise.

No one got what they wanted.

It's not not really going to work for everyone.

So we are at last unified

in some aspect of

this crisis.

The deal was viewed as not doing enough for any guesses?

The richer countries of the world or the poorer ones?

Correct.

It's been the poorer countries.

Sorry to answer that.

I mean,

on the positive, though,

tourism for Barbados and Trinidad is going to go up exponentially over the next few years because both of them will disappear.

Good for them.

A little, you know, death rattle economy boost.

Get it while you can.

It's a closing down sale.

I know both of you are huge fans of having a planet that's inhabitable, certainly for the next few decades.

Muscle menace, to be perfectly honest.

Honestly, if I didn't have a kid, I'd be with you, Felicity.

I've got a kid.

I don't know if I want him around either to see this, to watch it.

Yeah,

it's brutal.

Obviously, when you think about saving the planet, right,

and we've seen this in so many different action movies, what do the superheroes do?

They immediately go to a conference, right?

There's committees, there's group work, they figure out if sanctions have to be drawn up.

Like, that's what happens.

So, clearly, it's following a tradition of like, this is urgent.

Quickly, let's get together and talk about it once a year.

Perfect.

That's the other thing.

Once a year, this should be every day or every week or every month.

Something.

Once it's like, ah, couldn't save the planet this year.

We'll wait another year.

Also, they all flew out to the conference, Zoom.

They're like the only people that are not working at home.

Like, well, we got it.

What is this job for?

And then they go to Azerbaijan, which is like this major oil hub, right?

Like, this is an oil.

They go to Baku.

Yeah.

Well, things just go up in flames because there's natural gas everywhere.

It's, it's, it might as well negotiated the deal in hell.

Like, what are we doing?

And, and then they invite Saudi Arabia, which is like inviting the drug dealer to the intervention.

Like,

like, what are you doing?

And they, of course, kept changing the text.

So, you know, because of course, you know, the piece of paper they were writing, it was going to save everything, but like they kept changing the text, which I imagine was something like, we must transition from fossil fuels, not, and the not was the contributions how do you rate me?

So they kept having to delete it and start over.

And by the end of it, they were working overtime and

nothing really happened the way it should have.

Yeah, I mean, COP29, I always think, I mean, I know what he does for a job and his age, but what's he like as a person?

I'm so sorry.

Am I?

Not really.

I wouldn't have said it out loud if I wasn't a little bit proud of myself.

What was astounding is to read that like the COP meetings are usually for environment or foreign ministers rather than finance departments.

So this year they had the finance departments.

They arrived with no template.

for how finance discussions should work.

Sorry, but no one thought to organize a discussion agenda before COP29.

Like it was booked in advance, yeah?

It wasn't just like the WhatsApp group chat, and they're like, yo, let's just talk about the environment.

We'll just turn up in Baku and hope there's a spare convention center.

Like, is this a climate conference or an improv event?

Stag do's are organized better than this.

There is, I know British men that coordinate a 10-day Eastern European alcohol poisoning road trip that jeopardizes their mental, physical, and spiritual health that is better organized than this cop.

It's insane.

And look,

I feel like it's so tricky with the environment.

I feel like I'm such a bummer now.

Like I hear countries, I think it was even Ed Miliband was there and he's like, you know, public finances are really stretched because, you know, developed countries are supposed to be helping finance less developed countries because they're the ones that are going to suffer.

When they say public finances are really stretched, I'm like, okay,

stop funding wars.

Like, I know that I'm dumb.

Like, I'm a dumb, right?

I don't know anything.

I'm uneducated.

I'm bad at maths.

But I'm just like, every time I'm like, oh, we don't have any money.

Okay, well, what if we close tax loopholes for big business or corporation?

Because then we have heaps of money.

They're like, yeah, we're just really stretched.

I'm like, yeah, but there are solutions.

Like, I know, I know.

We're just so stretched, though.

But again, you've seen like Whodone It films.

You've read, you know, Whodunit, Whodunit books.

You know, the obvious solution that seems clearly obvious at the start of those films never turns out to be the right one.

So you've got to take the same approach.

You've got to take the same approach to the death of the planet.

Just wait until you've dragged out the narrative.

It's not the billionaires, honestly.

Have a look at the wildlife.

What are they doing to the environment?

The eventual agreement was described as, quote, a death sentence for millions and woefully inadequate by campaigners.

Defenders of the deal pointed out that those millions will all eventually die anyway, and that it's

really matter.

It's just quibbling about the details, and that it's better to be woefully inadequate than joyfully inadequate, which would come across as a bit insensitive in the circumstances.

Also, crucially, it gives everyone stuff to work on for the next cop next year and the cop after that one, when maybe they'll have been slightly better organized.

The package was 300 billion, right?

Which is 1.3 Jeff bezos's for 1.5 mark superbooks or 52 mark cubans

just if you wanted to know right i've got a calculator app on my phone

so could we just play pledge i mean if we pledge mark cuban if mark cuban pledges himself to the environment as a do you think that would start like a stampede of other hyper wealthy just we'll just need another 52 people of uh he's got like a cult vibe about him well i mean to be fair all billionaires do.

How do you think they get their money?

It's certainly not through hard work.

Again, it's these simple solutions you come up with that are just hopelessly naive for the that you're sorry you've clearly not costed it out

so are you suggesting that you know Elon Musk obviously spent a lot of money on Twitter and turned it from Twitter into the eighth circle of hell um shortened to X um just for convenience's sake but I mean

but but well I'm not sure that he could really define himself as, you know, he's got to think of his own personal self-esteem if he thought he was

doing good for humanity.

I mean, I don't know where would be the motivation for him to get out of bed in the morning.

Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.

And he'd be, you know, he'd be lonely.

He wouldn't be surrounded by other dictators and fascists and people trying to.

Suck the planet dry so they can build a rocket ship and start a new

society on another planet.

You're right.

Andy, I haven't even thought about it.

It's really stupid of me.

I'm sorry.

I mean, at this point, I mean, that's the thing.

I think this is plan B for the billionaires now, saving the planet.

They're plan A.

They've made it very clear.

They're out of here.

Yeah.

Plan B is for bye, bitch.

Yep.

India's delegate,

Chandli Rainer, said that the document, the agreement at the end, is little more than an optical illusion, which is a nice way of putting it.

It's like one of those magic eye puzzles.

It doesn't look like anything when you first

read that.

But if you just relax your eyes and stare blankly through it, eventually you'll see the image of a weeping penguin saying, Why are you melting my eyes?

You know, he's crying.

He's crying because there's not enough military in the Antarctic.

I guess also another fact to take into account is there's no point rushing into saving the world when Donald Trump is coming into the White House,

as a proud sceptic of a viable global future.

And there are rumors, Harry, that at the inauguration in January, he's going to ceremonially shoot a polar bear dead to send a sharp warning to the environment that he's not going to compromise.

Do you think he's going to do it, or do you think he's going to pay somebody to do it?

He's not a big fan of doing things.

Yes.

Of course,

there are other meetings at COP conferences, including some quite quite exciting new technology.

Some promising a nuclear reactor that can fit into a conventional domestic microwave oven, which I think could really save the world.

And a home fossilizer machine, which can put your vegetable waste, your carrot peelings and your uneaten Brussels sprouts, your unwanted wood chip wallpaper, into your home fossilizer.

And it accelerates the fossilization process down from several million years to just 25 years, meaning that you could have your own household supply of environmentally friendly coal, oil, and gas by the year 2050, when net zero would, of course, have been achieved.

We can all give ourselves a pat on the back and get back to burning stuff like God clearly intended when he invented the fossils.

So,

you know, it's not all bad news.

Australia news now, and

it's very exciting,

Felicity.

We touched on this touched briefly on this last week: the Australian ban on under 16s accessing social media.

It's now been approved by the Australian

Senate.

I mean, there must be huge concerns in Australia, as indeed around the rest of the world, because obviously these things do often spiral out from one country to another, about how society will control and crush the minds and spirits of its youngsters now that social media, which has proved so effective,

is not going to be an option.

We've already had private boarding schools increasingly out of the price range of most people.

Organised religion, which has done so much of the heavy lifting in crushing the souls of youngsters for so many years, increasingly pushed to the margins in many Western countries.

And now Australia is from a marginalised social media as well.

So it's looking pretty bleak for folks who believe that children must not only not be seen or heard, but

just psychologically destroyed.

Yeah, look,

I just, I love it.

It is one of those classic Labour Party policies.

We got a bill passed that nobody asked for.

Hey?

Hey, it's us again.

It's like when all my friends at school had seen a film called Mr.

Mum, or for our American contingent, Mr.

Ma.

I'm bilingual.

It's not a big deal.

But it has Michael Keaton in his first starring role, and he plays a furloughed Detroit automotive engineer who becomes a stay-at-home dad.

And that is to give you an idea of how much we've progressed as a society, that the premise of a man being a father was a strong enough

premise to get a feature film green lit in the 80s.

Anyway,

I asked my mum, Mrs.

Mum,

she was going to the video store, Gen Z.

I don't have time to explain what that is.

Google it, you'll figure it out.

It's quite complex as a concept.

It's Netflix in a shop.

So my mum was going to the video store, and my sister and I were like, you've got to get Mr.

Mum, you've got to get Mr.

Mum, because for some reason, 10 years later, all my friends were talking about it at school, and we were very excited.

And she came back, not with Mr.

Mum, she came home with Mr.

Saturday Night, which is a film charting the rise and fall of a jaded stand-up comedian who gives into his own ego and self-destructive nature.

And that is what the social media ban is for the Labour Party.

Nobody asked for it.

It's not quite doing the job.

It's confusing.

And it's not a proprietary, quite frankly.

I'm going to disagree.

I feel like

this is the most important and crucial piece of legislation of 2005.

Like, it's so,

I'm so glad that they're handling this problem on the onset.

Yeah.

Get ahead of it.

Get ahead of it before, you know, there's certain social norms are in place and expectations.

Also, my other favorite part of this legislation is that if children find a way to,

you know, bypass the restrictions and the ability, you know,

whatever they're going to put into place, which they don't know yet, to prevent 16-year-olds from going on Instagram.

There are no repercussions if they find a way to bypass it.

And of course, as a parent, I know that the best way to parent is to make sure there are no repercussions for bad actions and that the children are well aware there are no repercussions for their actions.

So this is set up to win.

Yeah.

I think that's look.

And the other really important important part of this is the legislation does not specify platforms that sounds thorough doesn't it oh boy the government says it will rely on and i quote some form of age verification technology some form

some form could be a guy turning up your house going can i see some id could just be a quiz like In the school rumor mill in the 80s, how did the girl wearing a swimming costume die who went too fast on the very fast water slide?

The answer is, of course, she was split in two by her swimming costume.

But you will only know that if you are above 16.

You might not know this hurry, but Australia actually has historically a really comprehensive and sensitive way of testing the validity of what people are saying.

Like when asylum seekers who were trying to avoid persecution because of their sexuality were asked to see if they were really gay, and this happened, they were asked questions about the music of Madonna.

These are my people.

This is how we assessed if people were legitimately gay and fleeing persecution at a government level.

Can you name three songs from Madonna's 1992 erotica album?

We are a safe pair of hands.

One of the songs, I believe, is called Erotica, so at least you get one.

I know.

I mean, clues in the title, right?

They want to help them along.

I really hope this does work because I am a fan of traditional bullying.

Yeah, finally.

Get back to your roots.

I just feel like, you know, as somebody who was traditionally bullied,

I feel like there should be a sanctuary, which is your home.

Like, after you're done with a day of bullying, you should be able to go home and do your homework and masturbate in peace

without the fear.

of someone bullying you on your phone.

And I feel like, hey, I understand the sentiment regarding the law, like why they wanted to make, I do appreciate that.

Because again,

I do miss the days of being able to cry at home about what happened during the day versus having to actively engage with more bullying and never having the time to decompress

and cry over what had just happened.

That's really important.

I think

also worth mentioning, Australia absolutely has their priorities right in that they have banned social media for under under-16s, but you can still go to jail at age 10.

That's the important thing.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah.

You can still go to prison at age 10.

10, 10, 10.

Just to remind you, 10.

Age 10.

That was not covered in Wentworth.

There's a little juvie section that's a spin-off series.

It's called, Where's My Parents?

Will these legislators stop at nothing?

Do they want to return us to an age where the only form of media was painting Animal of the Month on the inside of your fing cave?

And

I would buy that calendar.

Generally, generally bison.

Generally, bison.

They did a lot of good work.

They're like, bison's killing it again.

Well, we're killing them.

Death news now and MPs in the United Kingdom have just backed proposals to make it compulsory for all ill people to be taken to the woods and destroyed.

I've slightly misread the background information to this.

But it was a vote on

legalizing assisted dying.

It's very hard because it's one of these debates where it's very, very complex and so it ends up being discussed in the extreme margins of

the debate.

I mean, I believe, I'm very,

the vote, as we record it, has literally just taken place

minutes ago.

And I think this is genuinely a step forward

for the nation in terms of how we deal with

the more disappointing aspects of life, such as the fact that it ends.

It's an issue of, well, I mean, the vote was, I guess, a binary choice between

supporting the bill or not, but one of huge complexity.

And, you know, the truth is always somewhere between the extremes.

I mean, the way it was presented in some parts of the media seems to be somewhere between, well, do we really want to statistically force people to endure prolonged, terrender suffering at the end of their lives whilst their giggling relatives literally burn their money in a barbecue at the end of their beds?

And at the other end, we're giving carte blanche for people to take out a state-funded hit on slightly annoying relatives as soon as they get so much as a sniffle.

So it's clearly very complicated.

And, you know, I couldn't see a single good reason for not legalizing assisted dying provided all the appropriate relevant safeguards and systems were in place which ought to be within the intellectual scope of a mature country and a grown-up democracy.

Okay, it could be a bit of a stumbling block there.

But so they have, you know, I can also understand that as a nation, we don't necessarily trust ourselves not to f things up royally like this when it comes to legislation, money, services, small print detail and practicality.

So fundamentally, I think broadly it was most of of the public supported it, but also we're aware that we cannot be trusted with anything as a nation these days.

So, there were concerns about it.

I think you can take the words these days out.

No offense, but Britain has form.

I am pro-Lexit,

life exit.

I thought the vote was done a little

insensitively in terms of ministers having to either put their thumb up or thumb down in a

Roman Empire-style vote.

I just feel like if the governments have decided, I just feel like if governments

get to choose whether or not to do anything about the environment leading to the end of mankind as a whole, then an individual should have the right to, you know,

that's very fair.

There were various red herrings around

the debate, and the health secretary, Wes Streeting, came up with one of the reddest and fishiest of them by saying that, well,

the cost and the resources that it would take away from other areas of that, I mean, that's true of all medical treatments.

Already we're making some frankly harrowing practical trade-offs in terms of what drugs are available, to whom, when, and where, and, you know, how quickly people can get operations.

And if the state really wants to balance its books in terms of health, it should heavily tax everything that is healthy in life, from exercise to happiness to lettuce, because those are things that mean you're going to have to pay people pensions for decades longer.

And, you know, tax breaks for tobacco and alcohol in modern politics, fantastic.

That's quite literally a no-brainer.

I read something that said, it said, MPs have been given a free vote, meaning they can follow their conscience rather than party orders, but it also leaves them to bear the responsibility and the consequences of their choice.

Now, a couple of things here.

Number one, very cute that they would assume that most politicians have a conscience.

Number two, isn't that how people, politicians should be making decisions anyway, bearing the consequences?

What are the consequences?

You have feelings?

You feel responsible for decisions that you make about the country we all live in?

Yeah, that sounds like the vibe.

That feels like the vibe of what politics should be.

Amongst the other red herrings, well, the slippery slope argument being said, well, where will it end?

With state grants for people to peg out in the manner of their own choosing, a massive catapult into the sea, people being force-fed to whales and aquariums, being given special legs of ham laced with a lethal but painless poison.

Sign me up for that one, or chained to a rock and having their liver ripped out by an eagle.

One for the Prometheus fans, maybe.

But

I mean, generally, the slippery slopes turn out to be not particularly slopey or slippery.

And if they legislate correctly, then it shouldn't be a problem at all.

Also, there's religious considerations.

And again, you know, I'm not a God-fearing man.

That feeling is entirely mutual.

And

he's not an anti-fearing man.

I guess, you know, if you're, you know, if you have, yeah, and I understand you might have a religious belief that you think this is wrong, but then, you know, whether that should be factored into legislation when you can always condemn those people to an eternity in the fiery bowels of hell, surely that's enough.

Surely that's enough.

They're going to get their own back.

Exactly.

In other massively awkward topic news now, good news, everyone.

The Middle East...

has been fixed.

The long-term hyper-squabble partners, the Israeli government and Hezbollah, have agreed a cease mayhem that will surely at last be the one that ushers in several centuries of uninterrupted peace and harmony to the world's most socially awkward region.

There is a slight concern that this might lead to even greater violence in Gaza, but let's not forget the domino theory, the Cold War idea that communism would toddle from country to neighbouring country.

Well, maybe ceasefires can work the same.

And, you know, if we all ask nicely and use the right emojis around the world, it's quite possible that from this week onwards, there will never be any

violence between ourselves ever again.

I mean, history, the endless source of grumpery and disappointment that it is, suggests that after a ceasefire deal such as this, the words, and they all lived happily ever after, do not always

come to pass 100% of the time.

But

let us cling to hope.

Let us

cling to some hope.

Already, an estimated one million people have been forced to leave their homes in Lebanon due to this conflict.

Lebanon also has already had one and a half million refugees from the Syrian conflict, some of whom have been going back to Syria.

And I guess when you find yourself going back to Syria because it's safer and more stable, you know that the dart of fate has not landed in the treble 20 of Utopia.

In fact, it's rebounded back off the dartboard and turned your eyeball into a cocktail snack.

I'm sorry, I haven't thought about it.

A dart rebound.

So many of my darts have rebounded.

We had a dartboard in our house.

I am bad at darts then.

I'm bad at darts now.

It's really tickled me, Andy, and I didn't think it was possible to get tickled in this subject.

No, well, I mean, it is, yes, comedically, it remains, as it's always been.

a touch awkward.

If you buglers have a long-term suggestion for peace in the Middle East, why not enter the United Nations Young Peacebroker of the Year competition?

It's open to anyone who's under the age of the late Henry Kissinger.

Just complete the sentence, all the Middle East needs is for everyone to dot, dot, dot, complete that sentence in no more than eight words, then write those words in pastry on top of a pie, bake the pie, and hurl that pie literally in the sky.

Only job that makes sense, Andy.

This is it.

Only job that makes sense.

You're just so perfect for this.

You're so perfect for this job that you created for yourself.

Yes.

Before we go, as I mentioned earlier, you've been sending in your suggestions for what should replace the Statue of Liberty, which will no longer be needed and could quite possibly just start swimming back across the Atlantic to France, where it clearly belongs

once Trump becomes president again.

Doug has suggested that the replacement for the Statue of Liberty should be a fetus with arms.

In one hand, it's an AK-47 rifle, and in the other is a Bible, and it's standing on a stake.

And on the plaque, it says, If you thought you were tired, poor, and huddled before, just come and live here, bitch.

I think that could

kind of hot.

Yeah, that would, I think that's see how that's more appropriate for modern New York and modern America, Harry.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Yep.

My country is garbage right now.

Can I go to one of yours?

Oh, it's not much better over here.

I mean, but you can die easier, though.

You can die with help.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Rather than just having to stand around until someone shoots you in the street.

Different strokes.

Other suggestions, some from anonymous users.

One for a statue of Scooby-Doo, the cartoon dog.

Although Scooby-Doo, to be fair, was involved in some things that did provide a satisfactory answer.

So that doesn't really seem to fit with Trump's MO.

Steve suggested a statue of Jabber the Hut,

the retired Star Wars celebrity with Donald Trump's face.

Retired.

Another user who goes by the name of user 3201869651585.

That just shows how many listeners we've got.

I mean, that's, well, how many?

Trillions, literally trillions of people listening to this show, has just suggested that the Statue of Liberty should be replaced with a giant orange dildo.

Which family, family show, family show.

I'm not sure that's that appropriate, though, is it?

I mean, that's.

There was a lot of people saying dildo, and I just kept one on the list.

Just to give a glimpse.

There was many plays, variations on that thing.

I think that's unfair

on the dildo,

traditionally viewed as an instrument of pleasure rather than despair.

And one final one, just a me and the misses.

suggested that's that's the the the the social media tag rather than me talking about me and my my wife suggested a big fat middle finger just saluting the world would be.

I think that would be that might be that might be the most appropriate, I think.

And that could just

melt Lady Liberty down, cast it as a giant middle finger.

Can you melt concrete?

Is she made of concrete?

Or is it fiberglass?

What is she?

Well,

the pedestal presumably is some sort of concrete.

But the statue itself was bronze.

Around the frame.

You know, if I watch Ghostbusters, then I should probably know this.

You know, it's actually

the reason it's green is because it oxidized.

That's right.

Yeah, it's supposed to be brown.

Told you, I'm a dumb.

31 tons of copper, 125 tons of steel.

Right.

Oh, copper and steel.

Yeah.

I did want on a drink.

That sounds like a John Cougar Mellon camp song.

Copper and steel.

I think we did do some Statue of Liberty facts on a long, long, long-forgotten episode of this podcast so uh maybe we can we can put that out at the end uh right that brings us to the end of this week's bugle i hope we've uh fixed all the uh difficult problems in the world for uh the planet you're welcome um if you are in the united kingdom and want to see me uh doing my uh stand-up show the zoltgeist uh come to all of the shows um the details are on my website andyzoltzman.co.uk

Some of them are quite full, which is unusual.

So, I mean, if you're used to just deciding on the day, if you're going to be asked to come,

Andy's experiencing something very unusual called success for the first time in a while.

I've just skillfully managed to

manage that through my career.

Very much the same way that the Labour government has managed public expectations.

I think I've done the same with my attitude towards success.

But anyway, do come along.

Thanks to everyone who's come along so far.

Hari, what are you plugging this week?

The last tour dates of 2024 on December 5th.

I will be in Richmond, Virginia at the Gottwald Playhouse.

And then the last four cities are all red states.

We're in Red States.

Speaking of assisted dying.

December 6th and 7th in Wilmington, North Carolina, the Dead Crow Cromedy Room.

December 8th in Bugle Stronghold.

Greenville, South Carolina at the Radio Room.

December 13th and 14th, Fort Worth, Texas at the Big Laugh Comedy Club.

And finally, December 15th at the Comedy Club of Kansas City.

And

then perhaps I'll retire.

We'll see.

Felicity.

You can watch my face doing a northern accent in the Apple now cancelled series, Time Bandits.

And you can also watch The Office Australia on Prime Video worldwide, except for the US.

Hurry.

Sorry, you can't see my beautiful face.

You can.

You just need a VPN.

I heard.

I've heard.

Yeah, you can do that.

Right.

Thank you for listening, Bugles.

We will be back next week.

We'll have more of your suggestions for what can replace the Statue of Liberty.

Do send any other suggestions for the planet in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

Is that the correct address, Chris?

Yes.

Yeah, there we go.

Right.

Thank you for listening.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.