The News: Raining Cats and Dogs

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4315 of the universe's official podcast of record, charting everything that has and more importantly hasn't happened in this messed up cosmos since the Big Bang.

We missed the first 13 billion odd years, but most of that was pretty drab to be honest, unless you were really into astrophysics.

I'm Andy Zaltzman, and I'm delighted to say, well, many things, which is lucky because saying things has become quite fundamental to my career, but I'm particularly delighted to say that I'm joined here in London by two randomly selected representatives of A, the Eurasian supercontinent, and B, everywhere else, respectively, Nish Kumar and Tom Ballard.

Hello, both of you.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Tom.

Hello, Buglers.

Good to see you.

Hello, Nish.

Hello, Zuglas.

Buglers.

Buglers is a new one.

That's all your Zuma listeners.

Zuma Buglers are Zoom.

Either that or it's the Bugle listeners that only listen for Zoltzman.

You're actively annoyed by the constant carousel of non-Zoltzmann.

Of which I count myself one.

Indeed.

Let's have asked more of you, Andy.

Andy, do you want to discuss a text message you sent me a couple of weeks ago

about a case of unfortunately case of mistaken identity?

So I was at the Oval Cricket Ground during the final Test Match of the summer.

And I was just going to say that.

If you don't know what Test Match means, you definitely have never listened to the people.

You are a Zoogler.

You are not a Zoogler, my friend.

You're a Googler.

I only like the guests.

For those of you new to it who don't know what a Test Match is, it is the greatest thing ever invented in the history of the universe, obviously.

Fact check.

Citation needed.

Anyway, I was walking down the stairs between the press box and

the ground.

And

this guy came right to me.

Slow down with all these technical terms, Andy.

I don't know cricket very well.

He said, you,

you're Andy Kumar, right?

And

I didn't know whether to be flattered, insulted, delighted, appalled.

I think you could feel all of those things.

I think it's possible for you to feel all of those things.

I absolutely am thrilled about this.

I'm glad that Jewish people are now being folded into the ethnic minorities

British people can't tell apart.

Welcome to the fold, brother.

Have you ever, has anyone ever said you're Nish Zoltzmann on you?

I don't know, but I am interested and I suspect inevitably based on the listenership of this podcast, we will start seeing some, I imagine, AI generated artwork of what Andy Coombo might look like.

Some sort of tragic accident where you and I got trapped in the Jeff Goldblum machine from the fly and some sort of terrible hybrid of our two faces would probably be generated by one of the listeners at this show.

Well, having seen the AI-generated image that Chris put together for our live tour earlier in the year, which was

one of the most scarring things.

It's one of the worst things I've ever seen.

It looked like Salvador Dali had had too much cheese before bed.

It was horrific.

Well, Elon, fire up the grok.

Let's see it.

Tom, have you ever been mistakenly fused with someone else?

No, I'm very famous and everyone knows exactly who I am.

Actually, I just did a gig in Prague and the lady beforehand was like, oh, I loved Josh.

You reminded me of Josh Thomas, who is my ex-boyfriend.

And I was like,

yeah, like I'm funnier and better and stuff, right?

We are recording on the 16th of September 2024.

On this day in the year 681.

Well, it was a bad day for Pope Honorius I,

who was excommunicated by the Sixth Ecumenical Council.

Oh, what a council that was.

Particularly disappointing given that he died 43 years previously.

It's got to be about as disappointing a day you can have as a dead pope.

There was a bit of a squabble over whether Christianity's founding pin-up by Jesus Christ had one will or two.

Do you have any particular opinion on that?

Whether Jesus had

one will.

I mean, if it was just a human one or a human and divine one, it would rip the seventh century church to pieces.

For some reason, when you're saying Jesus's will, I'm not thinking about his inclination towards doing things.

Kind of instead, what like things

like what he's left people,

his assets, his

jet ski and his magic.

A couple of tables, some bottles of wine, sandals, cave,

fish recipe book, tragically unopened how to uncrucify yourself book.

If only he'd read it.

It was a Christmas present.

Yeah, we all get Christmas presents, books as Christmas presents, so we don't read them.

He got double Christmas presents, of course.

I know, but it's horrible when your birthdays aren't Christmas.

It all just gets swallowed up in the wider festivities.

Him and former England cricket captain Alistair Cook, same.

Both associated with bits of wood.

Interesting.

But look.

Associated with wood.

What a summary.

The Son of God.

What incredible description of Jesus' crucifixion.

Man will forever be associated with wood.

Well, I'm not sure I'd call him the son of God.

I mean, he was, yeah, still England's leading run score.

How has this show held on to its North American listeners?

It is beyond belief to me.

The number of North Americans that this podcast has held on to is beyond belief.

Given what you've just done there is made an Alistair Cook Jesus joke.

The Zooglers are loving it, buddy.

I think my career is now complete.

Good, right.

So on the let's move on on the 18th of September.

So that'll be what's today, Monday, Wednesday by the time you listen to this

on the

in 1618 the 12th bactun in the Mesoamerican long count calendar begins a Baktun is like a year but it lasts for 394.26 of our regular years and I'm quite in favour of that

for a start you can fit more sport into a season but but also for those you know if you have a tendency to procrastinate and think I'll do it next year you're really only buying yourself a few months but if you say I'll do it next bakhtun

you're pretty much off the hook so um yeah you're really committing to a Hindu conception Hindu and Buddhist conception of reincarnation yeah you're like I'll get this done at some point within the next seven to twelve lifetimes

I've got to my Texas for the past three bakhtuns

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week we have a special Vincent van Gogh section.

The new Van Gogh exhibition has opened here in London with a collection of works by the late Bunch of Flowers Obsessif, the Windy Fields Snoopster and even-numbered facial feature skeptic.

Double VG, as he was known, sadly passed away in July 1890, so he can't be with us today to talk us through his new show.

We instead look at some of the lost paintings of Van Gogh that didn't make it into

the London exhibition, including Miffy the Rabbit, which could have given him the commercial success that eluded him in life.

Aftermath, interesting painting

showing Father Christmas having crashed his sleigh into a church steeple on a starry night.

Viewed by many as Van Gogh's most graphic painting and one of the most visceral depictions of a high-speed impact injury on a reindeer ever committed to canvas.

And of course, his most famous lost painting, Pet Dog Being Eaten by an immigrant.

Not sure where that's

got to.

Rumoured to be somewhere on the other side of the Atlantic.

If you were a sequel to that picture of them all playing poker, wasn't it?

That's what happens when you get involved in gambling.

Of course, if you're a Vincent Van Gogh Super fan and want to make sure that he beats all the other Impressionists, we've got a special feature for you this week, which is how to slag off famous impressionists in one disparaging phrase.

And we're going to start with five of Van Gogh's top rivals to be best impressionist ever.

Claude Monet, whoopie f ⁇ ing dupe mate, a f ⁇ ing pond.

Eduard Mannet.

Hold on.

We really, Chris, can we add some air horn effects to this?

This is Zaltzmann going full roast comic.

It's a matter of time before they embrace comedy's lowest.

It's the ultimate roast battle.

Saltzman versus the Impressionists.

Let's get Jeff Ross down here.

Eduard Manny, maybe if you just ordered your fing drink instead of standing there painting, the barmaid might not look so f ⁇ ing bored.

Where, where, where, where, where, where.

Roasted.

Paul Cezanne, give your glasses a wipe, mate.

You might see your special f ⁇ ing mountain a bit more clearly.

Paul Gogam, that's just a bit weird, mate.

You could have offered her a shirt.

George Surah, Sunday afternoons of a watching football, mate, in the pub, not flouncing around in the f ⁇ ers' pan with pointy brushed dumbbello frettishes.

Next week,

we teach you how to poetle the great Renaissance masters.

Well, Michelangelo, as pull my finger gags go, you put in too much effort.

There you go, our Vincent van Gogh section in the bin.

Top story this week.

America is still arguing with itself.

Well, we're going to lead with the presidential debates, which happened last week.

Since the debate, well, Donald Trump has evaded another assassination scare,

which, you know, I'm not in favour of assassinations.

I'm just going to lay that card on the table.

Wow.

Zoltzman is not afraid to go there.

Yeah.

History suggests assassinations don't tend to make things better.

And look, whilst I do not want Trump to be president again, and ideally I don't want him to have been president before either, but that ship has sailed, sailed its iceberg, then it sunk.

I also, I don't want him dead.

I don't think that's, you know, I don't think that's a good thing to want.

I do want him out of public life, but through one of the following preferable methods.

A, the U.S.

justice system, likelihood relatively low.

B, alien abduction, likelihood slightly higher, I think.

And I think we could all get on board with that.

C, was it C?

Was it only one, two, C?

I think it was C.

One, two, and C.

One, two, and C.

Outright rejection by the US voting public.

Likelihood low to medium.

Although it does seem a bit of a lot for a third consecutive popular vote loss, but the first two didn't seem to quite send the message through.

D, distracted by something.

I think he could be easily distracted by a good computer game.

I'm not sure he has the motor skills to

E, he just gets stuck in a perma tantrum where it just one of his furies becomes like a vortex of self-perpetuating inescapability.

I think there's that's probably our most likely option.

Or F, trapped in a sauna at Mar-a-Lago by a hologram of a giant shark.

So that's how I want Trump removed from public life.

Listen, I've come here with one specific agenda, and that agenda is to not get tenacious deed.

My whole agenda here is to be, my whole objective for this bugle is to not be tenacious deed.

If I get out of this without being disowned by Jack Black, I will feel absolutely thrilled with myself.

It is a situation that's still unfolding.

The headlines,

as we understand it at the moment, is that a man has been taken into custody and been arrested because he was found with an AK-47 style assault rifle and was near a

golf course that Donald Trump was on and the FBI are investigating what appears to be an attempted assassination of the former president.

In extract from the UK's Guardian newspaper reads as follows.

The suspect's demeanour I would describe as having a relatively calm flat effect, a sheriff reported.

He was not displaying a lot of emotions.

He never asked, What is this about?

Now, to be clear, the suspect has been found in his car with a gun and a whole load of GoPro cameras.

And that is a very difficult situation to wriggle your way out of.

I'm not surprised he had a carbon-flat demeanor.

It's very hard to not be pulled over with GoPro cameras, a gun, and go, you know what, fair enough.

What is this in regards to, please?

And there's been obviously an outpouring of concern from current President Joe Biden and Trump's opposition, Kamala Harris.

And, you know, their responses, regardless of what you feel about them as political figures, do show what leadership looks like in moments like this.

Your political opponent is the victim of violence or attempted violence.

You lead with a kind of dignity.

And it's a lesson that actually would be well learned by Donald Trump, who, when Nancy Pelosi's husband was attacked by a man with a hammer, said this, we'll stand up to crazy Nancy Pelosi who ruined San Francisco.

How's her husband doing?

Anybody know?

He said to a raucous crowd of California Republicans at a state party convention, and she's against building a wall at our border, even though she has a wall around her house, which obviously didn't do a very good job.

So when Trump is a victim of political violence, everyone, it is incumbent on all of us to behave responsibly.

When his opponents are the victims of political violence, it is very, very funny.

What's better than a single standard?

A double standard.

I will not be tenacious deed.

I have skirted through that very carefully.

I will not be tenacious deed.

You've done very well.

I'm a a little bit torn.

Like you guys, I don't like political violence.

I am in favor of violence against people playing golf.

I think anyone

participating in that sport should take the risks and fuck them all.

That's my general vibe.

But yeah, the statements, of course, we got the classic from Carla Harris writing on X.

She said, I'm glad that her rival is safe.

After gunshots were heard in his vicinity, but she wrote that this is unacceptable.

Violence has no place in America.

Now,

I know it's a nice thing to say, but let's give violence its credit.

It's earned its place in America.

It's had a really good run.

It's been there from the start.

It's been there the whole time.

Let's recognise the place of violence in America.

Please, Andy, please.

Yeah, based on my recent viewing of the film The Killers of the Flower Move, violence has had a pretty...

Violence should actually be represented somehow on Mount Rushmore.

It feels like next to the presidential heads, there should also be a huge bazooka.

So this came days after the debate, the vice president, Kamala Harris, against the pussy-grabbing convicted sex offender, Donald Trump, the Veep versus the Creep.

Classic contest.

Nish, I know you're a huge fan of presidential debates and you've participated in many yourself.

What did you make of it?

Yeah, I mean, that's...

not as far away from reality as I would enjoy.

Whilst I haven't participated in any presidential debates, I was the president of my school's debating society in a move that essentially I should just cut out the middleman and just say, I did not lose my virginity until I was 20.

Like, why?

Let's just cut out the middleman.

You don't need any of that backstory.

Let's just cut to the quick of it and say that, admit that I used to do school debates whilst wearing my favourite tie, which had all of the Beatles on it.

Oh, could not give this away.

That kid is going to be wanking until his teens are over.

Yes,

the debate was quite the spectacle.

It's probably important to acknowledge one of the key headline stories to come out of this is Donald Trump repeating a baseless claim, which they do keep using that phrase in the news, a baseless claim.

I think there's a different B and S that could be applied here.

At what point are we allowing news organisations to use the phrase bullshit?

This news organization, and it is a news organization, for any of you listeners laughing at that phrase at home, this news organization has been happy to call bullshit when bullshit must be called.

The baseless brackets bullshit claim is that,

which is, we cannot stress this enough, total bullshit, that Haitian immigrants are

eating pets in Springfield, Ohio.

Trump repeated this at the debate.

Will this matter?

Almost certainly not.

At this point, the Republican Party and Donald Trump is essentially a Christian white supremacist death cult.

And so it feels a little bit like screaming at a child, why can't you help me with my emotional problems?

There is literally no point in demanding sense or order from a group of people that seem to have quite a lot of problems with Saudi Arabia.

But when it really boils down to it, all they have a problem with Saudi Arabia is that they're Muslims.

That's really it.

The hostility to places like Iran is completely based on the fact that they would be happy with everything in those countries apart from the brown people people and Islam.

But yes, so he did repeat these claims.

Which, to be fair, would be true if they'd actually happened.

I think it's really important to provide a lot of balance here and say if these things had happened, then they would absolutely be true.

As things stand, though, it is, yeah, it's

it's not, it's it's absolute horseshit.

In Tuesday's debate, Trump also referenced viral claims that a Venezuelan gang had taken over an apartment complex in Colorado.

Again, also total horseshit.

So at this point

in Trump, the sort of cycle of Trump's presidency, he did absolutely embarrass himself on the debate stage.

Again, whatever people's reservations about Kamala Harris, she was a woman who spoke in complete sentences and seemed to have a grasp of how things work.

And Trump stood up there and essentially looked like he was sort of in the middle of the world's worst acid trip.

And, you know,

he sort of seemed to be, you know, standing up there, sort of hallucinating.

Like, it's like that sort of dark period in John Lennon's life where he was sort of hallucinating people eating cats and Venezuelans taking over apartment complexes.

It was sort of,

it was truly like stock footage from the 1960s from the US military's earliest experimentations with LST.

He was writing number nine or whatever that sounds like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jesus.

They're eating dogs, number nine.

But it's sort of incredibly, absolutely incredibly, it has done nothing to dent Trump's ratings.

Nor has it done anything to dent the opinion of the Pope, who weighed in on the U.S.

presidential election by saying that both U.S.

presidential candidates were against life and advised people to choose the lesser of two evils.

This is the exact quote.

He said, not voting is ugly.

It is not good.

You must vote.

You must choose the lesser evil.

Who is the lesser evil?

The lady, that lady, or that gentleman?

I don't know.

Everyone in conscience has to think and do this.

And his logic of them being as bad as each other is that Trump expelling migrants is an ugly thing, but also the Democrats' policy of allowing women to have abortions is an assassination because there is life there.

That is the direct words of the Pope.

And what I would say is, I imagine a lot of you are listening to this and smashing whatever device it is that you listen to this podcast on.

What I would remind you is, you have to take the Pope's opinion seriously.

If there is one thing the head of the Catholic Church knows, it's evil.

If there is one thing that guy is an absolute f ⁇ ing expert in, it's pure evil.

The man essentially runs an international paedophile ring.

Well, yes, but it's...

I will not be tenacious D.

It's all about picking the lesser evil.

And unless you've explored what the greatest possible evil is, you don't have a scale

for judging what...

And it might take time, but patience, as the Bible teaches us, is a virtue.

What does the Bible say the stuff about being okay to be a pedigree?

No, it's in the back.

It's in the back.

You've got to look.

It's like an index thing.

It's like a choose your own adventure code thing.

It's in the book of Andrew.

Yeah, so the Pope, unsure if Trump or Harris is worse.

I mean, one in favor of...

women having bodily autonomy.

The other believes in forced deportations of people based on fictional meals.

Make a f ⁇ .

Make a choice.

He doesn't know either way.

Finding out who's evil, that is your entire f ⁇ ing job.

You can't sit on the fence when you're on evil, when you're the Pope.

You look, when it comes to Satan being involved in something, you can't just hang out in the sensible center.

Is Donald Trump evil?

I don't know.

Is the Pope Catholic?

But I guess, you know,

if you believe that abortion is wrong, then clearly they're both wrong.

So, I mean, it's like, you know, when you have to make a choice, should I eat a Donnekebab or should I swallow a nuclear warhead and then go on an unlicensed roller coaster?

I know they're both bad for me, therefore they're equal.

That's...

Is that not the logic?

Also, Trump, I mean, Trump is, I think, you could scientifically prove Donald Trump to be the least Christian man in history.

Certainly, I think he'd be a quarterfinalist.

And I would love to see...

him in a worst Christian ever quarterfinal showdown against the Pope's papal predecessor, Pope John XII, who we've discussed on various bugles over the years.

But I think that could be one of the all-time classics, John XII, who I think burnt down an entire village,

was accused of

conducting devil worshipping, which ended up being beaten to death by a jealous husband, which is not your classic popey behaviour.

The most uncushioned men.

Pope XII, John XII, Donald Trump, and his ultimate.

These are the big grave.

I'll take him on.

I will take them on.

He's as bad a Christian as you as a joke.

So in terms of the debate, Tom, did you...

What were the things that I loved it, man?

I thought it was a really insightful, illuminating, respectful, and spirited exchange of ideas between two qualified, honest, and articulate candidates.

And it made me

feel great about the future of America and the world.

Now, just for full context, I have recently been kicked in the head by a shy horse.

And the doctors say I may have completely lost all my critical faculties and the ability to accurately interpret the world around me.

But but I honestly think that has nothing to do with the fact that I happen to find this 90 minutes of senseless, godless drivel between these two vacuous, power-hungry demons to be absolutely top shelf.

And I'd like to sincerely congratulate everyone involved.

Now, please excuse me, I have to go lick a table.

It was kind of, I loved how it started.

The ABC News moderator Lindsay Davis began the evening by saying, Good evening.

We are looking forward to a spirited and thoughtful debate, which is kind of like saying, Wow, it's great to be here at the Dr.

Hannibal Lecter Buffet restaurant.

I can't wait for my ethically sourced vegetarian meal.

It's as redundant as when I say exactly that before I take a full shit.

I thought Carla was like amazing, man.

I mean, I think she did this great thing where for the whole debate, she wasn't 81 years old.

And I thought that was really clever from her.

Not even once did she look like a dementia-riddled Methuselah in a supermarket talking about beating Medicare and shitting her pants.

And I think that was a really subtle but effective way to differentiate herself from Joe Biden.

I mean, it seems that

she was viewed as having won the debate in the terminology people like to oversimplify debates with.

But some swing voters still understandably a little concerned that they don't know enough about Carmela Harris.

Maybe they're worried about her record of changing her views on issues and think.

Maybe they're unsettled by her vagueness in some policy areas.

So are still considering the safer option of voting for a crooked sex pest and insurrectionist who's been assaulting the foundations foundations of American democracy for the last eight years and who changes his mind on everything and is beyond vague on politics.

But it's all about that comfort blanket

of familiar destruction that we'd like to cling to in democracy.

Comfort blanket of familiar destruction was your wrestling.

That was indeed miss.

I have a real issue with swing voters.

Given the current status quo in American politics, whenever I see a swing voter, I think

I every and this is maybe a flaw on my part, but every time I see someone introduces a swing voter, I either think you're just looking for attention or B, you just want a tax cut and you don't care about the racism.

I think if you're a swing voter, we should have to see your tax records next to you because I think a lot of these swing voters might be making an amount of money that might be taxed at a higher level under a Democratic presidency.

Trump also claimed at one point that some babies were being executed after birth.

Now,

again,

are we expanding the definition of abortion to include all murders?

It makes absolutely no sense.

One of the ABC moderators had to interrupt him to fact check saying, there is no state in this country where it's legal to kill a baby after it's born.

And I think if I was that moderator, at that point, I would have self-immolated.

I think if you find yourself as a qualified journalist having to say that out loud, the only next logical step is to pour petrol on yourself and set yourself on fire.

Like, I really, like, we're so far, we've crossed the Rubicon so far into a land of unsalvageable stupidity.

We should say, again, fact-checking, post-birth abortion

is legal via the tried and tested means of the death penalty and an almost total absence of gun control laws.

But other than that,

I'm glad you're here, Andy.

Take us to account.

But it's a bit odd, isn't it, that Republicans seem so much more concerned about made-up stories of people's pets being eaten by people from outside America than actual stories of people's children being shot dead by people from inside America.

But it's America.

Who are we to judge?

So the Republicans have, well, didn't so much double down as sort of octuple down.

J.D.

Vance has also lied about a child from Springfield being murdered by a Haitian immigrant, despite being corrected by the father of the dead child.

Trump threatened mass deportations from Springfield, Ohio, where we should say, again, for the purposes of facts, an estimated 96% of fictional pets have been eaten in the past week.

And J.D.

Vance also falsely claimed that no one has spread false claims, which I think that's, you know, mathematically that's a minus times a minus is a lie times a lie equals a fact.

But J.D.

Vance, Andy, as those of us who know a little about his backstory, is a man of contrast.

He's obviously a man who was...

born into extreme poverty, which he wrote about in Hill Biliology.

He's also a person who has supported a party that has not necessarily been, shall we say, has been poverty sceptic, I think is probably the best way to put it.

So he's clearly a man of contrast.

So in the same week that he said that he wasn't lying, he also said that he was willing to create stories.

A.D.

Bunz is a man of contrast.

That's what we're all doing, guys.

Are we all creating stories in our own way?

Do we not all contain multitudes?

Are we not?

Are we not all Andy is a Jewish man who eats a Herculean amount of pork?

Do we not all contain multitudes?

Do we not all contain multitudes?

I'm an Asian man, but my name is also Nick Cooper.

Do we not all contain multitudes?

He said, he told CNN that he was willing to create stories so that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people.

Brilliant.

He was asked, the way that he was trapped into this by the CNN host, Data Bash, was by asking if the false rumors centering on Springfield, Ohio, were a story that you created, to which Vance replied, yes.

Now, I'm afraid that Vance Bash is not going to be the hit that Frost Nixon was

because she didn't really have to trap him so much as he just wandered straight into a trap with a sign on his neck saying, please trap me.

It's a very short movie.

Yeah, it's a very short movie.

And so he said that he's willing to create stories so that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people.

What I would say, J.D.

Vance, is two can play at that game.

And I'm afraid if you're talking about bullshit, you have come up in this podcast against the Roger Federer of Freddy.

So in the spirit of J.D.

Vance creating stories so that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, and that for a lot of us, the suffering of the American people appears to have been vested on it by the Republican Party over the last, oh, I don't know, about 25 years.

We would also be in the spirit of creating stories about the Republican Party.

So, I would like to exclusively reveal on this podcast that J.D.

Vance dogs.

He fks dogs 24/7.

If he's awake, he's fing dogs.

And once he's done the dog, he uses a copy of the U.S.

Constitution as a cum rack.

Well, I should say that only happened because the dog was on the sofa.

He f ⁇ ed the dog because he thought it was a sofa.

And then he used a copy of the U.S.

Constitution as a cum rag.

Family show.

I mean, I'd heard

that he once waltzed into an old people's home dressed as the Grim Reaper, swinging a live rhinoceros cub around his head, singing, don't forget me when you're dead in the style of Willie Nelson, before hurling the animal through a plate glass window, urinating into a plant pot, stripping down to a leather jock strap and giving himself a lap dance.

But you know.

I heard that too, actually.

And where the smoke was fired.

Yeah.

So America, you've got to ask yourself, is this the kind of man you want as your vice president?

I love Trump's response, by the way.

Like, yeah, it was about the eating thing was Haitian immigrants in Springfield, apparently.

After the debate, Trump declared, I can say this, we will do large deportations from Springfield, Ohio, large deportations.

We're going to get these people out.

We're bringing them back to Venezuela.

Now, this is...

This is a bold new policy from Trump, okay?

If elected, he's going to deport Haitian migrants to Venezuela.

Trump now wants the U.S.

to operate a kind of mystery flight immigration system.

They're not even getting deported, they're just getting ported now.

He's turned, go back to where you came from to just go.

All right, he's just like, Haiti, Venezuela, it's all foreign, it's all non-American.

Tom, I think what you're saying is a very lucid point, expressed very funnily.

Sadly, Andy and I are not able to join in this fund because, until about a year ago, it was the official policy of our government to deport all migrants to Rwanda.

So, I'm afraid that Andrew and I are currently stood in a glass house with stones primed for the throwing, but respectfully declining to throw them.

Whereas I'm Australian and we have a perfect policy

on that front.

I'm all higher ground.

In terms of bold policies, Trump has also threatened to enrage arguably the most radicalised group of people in the entire world, Taylor Swift fans.

Yes, because

he's posted today that the simple phrase, I hate Taylor Swift.

Uh-oh.

Dangerous move.

On the plus side, he did post it on Truth Social.

So, actually, there's almost no way of us hearing it if it happened.

Another double negative there.

But it just raises the interesting question because Taylor Swift officially endorsed Kamala Harris.

It does raise the question: if a news story in the year 2024 does not involve Taylor Swift, did it actually happen?

So, the US election is now definitely a thing after Swift got involved, the multi-award-winning songsmith publicly backing Harris in a social media post in which he was photographed alongside one of America's few remaining uneaten pants.

I mean could this prove crucial because of course who can forget I think it was in the 1987 election here when Kajagugu came out for the Tories and that just

swung it decisively.

Is that an actual musical band?

Again,

once again, we are talking a lot of shit about America from a country with fully shitted pants.

Kajagugu is a real pub act that were very successful in the 1980s.

I'm not sure they did definitely endorse the Tories.

Chris is shaking his head there.

It's level 42.

No, it's level 42.

It was level 42.

They definitely didn't.

Listen, guys, we're creating stories.

Kajigugu sounds like a racist name J.D.

Vance would make up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're going to send them back to Kajagugu.

That's shithole country.

It really does sound like that.

I mean, Taylor Swift is such a successful musical artist that her concerts have a genuine inflationary impact on the regions that she performs in.

So, I mean, there's no reason to sort of suspect that this won't have some kind of impact.

The only thing that I would say is, and again, there's so much talk about the American election and how this is a decisive election, but I think it's really incredibly important that we remember that most Americans don't vote for the Republican Party.

Like, the Democrats have won the popular vote in

all of the elections in the 21st century, apart from 2004.

And if that story is not correct, it's just one I've created to draw a

American people.

But I believe that is correct, that they've only won the popular vote once in 2004.

And at this point, America's democratic system has been so corrupted and hacked by the Republican Party that if America were not America, America would be contemplating invading itself in order to spread free and fair democracy within the country.

And the entire process has been corrupted through years of gerrymandering by a Republican Party that understands its electoral days are numbered without heavy assistance.

They compromise the integrity integrity of the Supreme Court.

The only way we can move through this crisis and get America, the government that it keeps on voting for, is to get Taylor Swift into the Supreme Court.

Get Taytay on the Sucro.

The Soucor.

On the cat story, it was described as a piece of garbage that's simply not true, that there's no evidence of it at all.

That was from the governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine, who is a Republican.

Strange tides.

Well, in other American news, as we actually move it slightly across the Atlantic, Keir Starmer, the de facto king of the United Kingdom, has been visiting the USA.

Starmer in the USA, slightly more exciting and realistic than Emily and Paris, but maybe only very slightly.

And this

talks about the Ukraine situation.

At the same time, Britain has found itself embroiled in a tit-for-tat spy squabble with Russia.

Russia revoked the accreditation of six British diplomats whom it's accused of

spying.

And you know how it goes.

One day you're revoking someone's accreditation and the next

it's like tactical nuclear strikes all over the place.

Seems to be the way the Daily Telegraph has interpreted it.

Warning about what will happen in the

event of a nuclear war.

Anyway,

it's a bit of a logical jump, but that's the world we live in.

And also, tit-for-tat spy squabbles with Russia.

That is a piece of 80s nostalgia that I can get behind.

Electro-pop mullets, wildly uncontrolled free market economics.

I'm not so keen on.

A childish tit-for-tat spy squabbles.

That makes me feel

young again.

England needs to get substantially worse at Test cricket, I mean, do you feel really like you're back in the 1980s?

And I guess for me to return to the 1980s, I would have to

drastically reduce my vocabulary and start shitting my pants again.

And one of those two things is down.

I guess it means return to unproblematic Michael Jackson.

That's kind of good.

Yeah.

Well, yes, problematic-ish Michael Jackson.

I think to go back to fully unproblematic Michael Jackson, we're going back to off the wall.

With Jackson 5?

Okay, all right, fair enough.

Look, I don't know if these British diplomats were spying on the Russians, but I'm confident in saying they definitely were.

All diplomats are spies.

Why else go to other countries?

Well, you think countries send people to your country just to hang out and chill?

Don't be so arrogant, British government.

You're not that fun to hang out with, okay?

They're there for the intel.

Send them back, send them back.

They send back some of ours.

We send back some of theirs.

It's fun.

A spokesperson for the UK's Foreign Office said the accusations made today by the FSB against our staff are completely baseless, but also said we are unapologetic about protecting our national interests, which is not the full denial

I can't say if you're interested in protecting national interests you're probably admitting they were spies yeah it's fine they were spies we were just trying to make sure Vladimir Putin wasn't trying to slip nuclear poisoning into sushi like he did to someone in London famously

But what's the big boo haha about at the moment the sort of diplomatic debate is around whether or not Ukraine should be able to use long-range missiles and send them into Russian territory, right?

Is that what Starmer and Mr.

Escalating tensions in the region?

Good, those tensions have not been escalated for.

A little bit of a euphemism, I think.

There was about five minutes when those tensions were escalated when Gorbachev was in a Pizza Hut advert.

But either side of Gorbachev in the Pizza Hut advert, they've been pretty tense the whole time.

The long-range missiles are called the Storm Shadow missiles, and Storm Shadow is my favorite Marvel character.

He's part of the NATO Avengers, who always fight for truth and justice and human rights and international rules-based order, provided it serves their geopolitical strategic interests and in no way challenges the hegemony of and flourishing of global capitalism.

My favourite thing about this was that an FSB,

one of the Russian Secret Service employees told a news agency in Russia that the English did not take our hints about the need to stop this practice.

So we decided to expel these six to begin with.

What I would say is,

when it comes to warning people about spying, hints are not sufficient.

We're all trying to negotiate in our relationships a language of communication, but I think at a certain point, you have to be an adult and ask for what you need.

Don't just sub-tweet other countries.

Exactly.

Don't leave a passive-aggressive note on the fridge.

I guess I'll be taking the bins out again tonight.

It's something my partner said to me yesterday:

British people struggling to name fish news now and

you don't you don't normally summarise the entire story fish news you idiot

you've slowly given the game away then on

British people are affecting fish news in that section of the book you know we live in an atomized world you've got to make sure people know exactly what they're going to get that's like calling the sixth cents that one where Bruce Willis is dead

what What?

A report has showed that despite being,

well, the nation that traditionally rules the waves and therefore owns all fish, British people can no longer tell the difference between different types of fish,

can struggle to name common fish, and many have only eaten fish battered or in breadcrumbs.

12%

of people in the poll thought that John Dory was a famous poet.

Well, maybe he might be.

No, no.

Well, yes, but interestingly, 17%

thought that Philip Larkin was a fish as well.

But I mean, what does this tell us about, you know, we are pretty much a fish-based nation historically, Nish.

What does this show about what we've become that we can no longer tell the difference between a shark and a goldfish?

Well, I'll tell you what, it definitely makes finding Nemo and Jaws much more confusing.

But I would also say it does concern me as a British person because I also eat a tremendous amount of fish.

It's a big part of the cuisine of the part of India that my family comes from, Kerala.

Very, very famous for its fish curries.

And I've got to be honest with you, I would not be able to identify which fish was fish.

I'm going to be completely frank with you.

I saw a picture of a tuna the other day, and it seemed to be the size of a bear, and that was not what I was expecting.

So

I feel that I may be

accused rightly of hypocrisy if I waded too hard on this I can spot a fish when it is prepared in coconut milk and spices

I can definitely tell the difference between a standard Kerala fish curry and a more stew-based curry I can definitely tell you the difference between those two you just could identify it as fish yeah like that's fish right there that is fish I'm eating fish right now I think it's a fish yummy fish what kind of fish fish fish I definitely if push cake to shelf could only confidently identify identify Nemo and George.

I'm the same.

I can't judge.

I don't know any fish names.

I've been really caught out here.

Oh, my God.

I should have prepared.

You know, a barracuda looks him up.

But

I thought we had more time.

I thought we were recording this on Barrat Tuesday.

It was actually Barramundi.

Barramundi is a delicious fish.

Oh, my God.

My grandmother made a fish curry with a Barramundi in Sydney in 2001 that I still think about to this day.

It was extraordinary.

Sorry, carry on with this f ⁇ ing horseshoe.

Yeah, well, I don't want to calf on about it, but

hell of it, I'm sure I could remember some fish names if I thought about it.

Of that, I have no trout.

And just give me a minute.

I'll perch right here.

Close the dory

so I can concentrate and I'll cobbler something up.

To be honest, knowing lots about fish has always been a bream of mine.

Ever since I was a teenager, sitting in music class, trying to play the bass.

And,

you know, I could hardly hold a tuner, to be honest.

Holy mackerel.

I think that her rings a bell.

That's all I got.

That was incredible.

To be in the presence of that was astonishing.

Yeah, well, I mean, to an extent, it's a free hit because he knows I can't possibly criticise him.

I couldn't possibly say I hate every minute of that.

Oh, my God.

That was incredible.

That was like watching someone do a cover of yesterday in front of Paul McCartney.

That was like watching a less awkward version of Tom Hiddleston doing the Robert De Niro impression to Robert De Niro.

Which if you haven't seen that and are looking to spoil your own afternoon, it's something I would give a go to.

It's still pretty awkward.

Well, we'll have more fish facts now to help our British listeners understand a bit more about fish.

We have a few fish facts.

Fact one, a fish is like an armchair, but you can't sit on it.

It moves about, and it wouldn't necessarily be that comfortable anyway, and it's underwater instead of in the living room.

Therefore, if you see a fish in a river, it's not necessarily a piece of discarded furniture.

It's probably a a fish.

Fish bring that up.

J.D.

Barnes or something.

Fish, despite the name, don't enjoy fishing.

They like the idea of a head-to-head contest versus humans, whom they regard as evolutionary splitters, traitors to their ancestral bloodline, and very bad swimmers indeed, even the really good ones.

However, they view the current rules of fishing, in which humans always get the first go, as unfair and also view the sport as too unsafe for the 21st century, like rugby or boxing.

Fact, what was it?

Fact four?

Fact C.

Fact C.

It's easy to assume that all fish are the same if you mostly see them in their post-mortem fish finger state.

But actually, fish vary in size from little fish all the way up to big fish, which can be the size of a shark-sized double-decker bus.

Sharks are the most famous fish.

Contrary to popular belief, they actually love humans.

They simply haven't mastered the art of the friendly kiss.

Fact, whatever it is, despite being predated upon by humans ever since the invention of the deep-fried potato, fish also predate on each other.

Fish on fish violence is, in fact, one of the leading causes of fish death in the fish community.

That's probably the one aspect of fish life that

we've retained through hundreds of millions of years of evolution since the first curious fish made the mistake of thinking life might be better on land.

If the fishes ever learn to get along and work together, frankly, we're fed.

Very fish facts, buglers.

Well, that concludes this week's bugle with all the news that

has happened anywhere.

We have a pretty high bar, a high threshold of relevance here.

Don't forget to buy your tickets to my forthcoming show, Desoltgeist, which begins on the 1st of November.

Tickets available at andysoltson.co.uk, which is actually up to date at the moment.

I mean, it just contains nothing but

Nitanishi's just checking it there.

Yeah, it's

yeah, it's, I mean, when you say it's not the most bells and whistles website, it's uh

there's there's it does a job, it does a job.

There's a picture of you on here, there's a recent picture of you on here, which is a huge upgrade, and it is the dates for your tour that have not happened yet.

They're all on there, yep.

This is fantastic, Andy.

This is huge progress for you, and there's a link to a mailing list.

What is worrying is that Andy has put a

time-based statistic on it, which I assume is going to date quite rapidly when this website still looks like this in three years' time.

Oh, All right.

What's the statistical?

You've described the third millennium as 2.5% complete, and I'm betting that's going to be the same when it's 5%.

F ⁇ you, Chris.

Do buy your tickets at the first available opportunity.

Nish, you're on tour?

I'm on tour right now in the UK and Dublin.

And tickets are available at nishkamar.co.uk, another website that is very, very up to date.

Tom, you are also on tour.

I'm on tour.

F all other tours.

Mine's the best tour.

Please come to me.

That'd be great.

I still have dates, if you're listening to this, coming up in Brighton tonight, I believe, on the day that this episode is released.

Brighton, Southampton, Paris, and Harlem, if you don't mind.

London as well, a second Soho Theatre date on Monday the 23rd.

Liverpool, Leeds, Stockholm, and Cork.

All details at comedy.com.au, a website that's updated because I have nothing to do with that.

And people whose job it is to keep that updated are doing their job.

Great, anything else to plug?

Just good vibes, good vibes, good vibes, good times.

Please go to my Instagram for my latest cat recipes.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

Until next week, goodbye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.