Trump: Guilty Of Being Himself

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4305 of The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world with me, Andy Zoltzmann.

It is the 31st of May 2024 as we record a month ago at least as you listen to this in June 2024 or indeed any other month from now until the end of time, whichever is later and I'm delighted to be joined on this truly historic occasion

by two of the finest legal minds of their generation to analyze well what has been a momentous week in American and legal history

you are both qualified lawyers I think Anu Van Pal who's currently in in Bradford here in Britain and Josh Gondraman who is in New York and basically therefore you have been you've you've been part of the big trial,

just by the sense of your aura invading the courtroom.

Well, I feel like you watch a movie and they go, New York City is kind of a character in this film.

I feel like I, by virtue of being in New York City, am a character within all the stories that are that happen here.

So yeah, I feel like I was a key part of this Donald Trump hush money trial.

Anu Vaman,

you work in film scripts

as well as your various sort of comedic operations.

In terms of, you know,

we'll talk more on the Trump trial shortly.

But

as a script editor,

you must have enjoyed

the many twists and turns of this f ⁇ ing ludicrous saga.

Well, you know, Andy, I am currently on tour across the UK, my first one, and I am in a premier inn.

And

other inns are also available.

And it was difficult to get Wi-Fi.

They have a thing here called Ultimate Wi-Fi, which is better than their free Wi-Fi, that allows me to do this podcast.

And the first thing I googled once I got Ultimate Wi-Fi.

The last Wi-Fi you'll ever see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Before death.

This is the only Wi-Fi left.

And, you know, being in a premier rail is a bit like being in prison.

It's slightly like prison.

So I googled, you know, in case I have to go to jail, because it's fashionable now,

is there Wi-Fi in jail?

I googled that.

And

I was wondering if I was to do the bugle from jail.

Many people can carry out their professions from jail.

Apparently, I do get Wi-Fi for two hours in jail, Auntie.

I Googled jail in India.

I don't know which country will imprison me.

It's good to have your options open, isn't it?

Yeah.

But just letting you guys know, imprisonment does not mean I can't do this podcast.

You have to do it within those two hours yeah i mean whether you can be president on two hours or wi-fi i guess time time may tell

um

we are recording this on the 31st of may as i said 2024 on the 31st of may 1859 big ben started working uh the uh celebrity clock at the houses of parliament here uh in london started keeping time which i think was a big mistake because I think we got more done when we didn't know what time it was.

And I think Big Ben sets a very bad example.

I think our productivity as a nation has gone down because you start panicking about deadline when you have no idea what time is.

Yes.

You know, I think people got more, got more.

Don't when you just look at the career of, I don't know, Francis Bacon back in the early 17th century.

Got an awful lot done.

Probably just Shakespeare wrote all those plays.

That's right.

Didn't have a digital watch.

So hopefully we'll learn from that and ban all clocks because, frankly, time is a piece of shit.

On the 1st of June,

it is Say Something Nice Day, apparently.

That's on the according to the Days of the Year website, which is a bit old-fashioned.

In fact, I'm just hearing it's now been downgraded to try to be a bit less of a when posting anonymous mercedes on social media day.

On the 2nd of June in the year 455, the vandals sacked Rome.

They plundered the city for two weeks.

Now, to me, that is not what you do if you've got two weeks in Rome.

I mean, there's so much to do in Rome.

Such a lovely place.

You know, without resorting to destroying everything in sight just to keep yourself interested.

You know, I think that reflects very badly on the vandals.

I mean, Rome

may have improved since 455.

I don't know.

But, I mean, it was probably lovely then as well.

Just seems a real shame.

And

I hope they're ashamed of themselves, frankly.

As always, a section of this podcast is going straight in the bin.

This week, we have first round in our new Bugle One True God knockout competition.

As we've discussed on this show, it does seem that a lot of the world's problems do come down to religious disputes.

So in an effort to help humanity move on, we are going to collect all deities from history and have a knockout competition to find out which one is the one true god.

Quite a lot of deities from various different cultures over the years.

And our first round, first clash, is between Foth, the ancient Egyptian god of wisdom, and Tanaka Kihuatl, the Aztec goddess of creation and fertility.

Now, I mean, that's a big first-round clash, you would say, because, you know, we all love wisdom and we all love fertility.

I mean, do you either of you have a particular favorite out of those two, Thoth and Tanaka Kihuatl?

I come from a country of 130 million gods.

In the race, I'd like to throw in a temple that I saw in South India dedicated to the Indian master batsman Sachin Tanuka.

So in the race, I would like to throw in the god of the wrist-leg side clip shots

along with your two other gods, just as a contender.

All right, okay.

So we're throwing in Sachin against Thotham to knock.

Okay, Huatle, anyone you want to throw in?

Josh, a bonus god in this first round knockout clash?

Oh, you know, I think...

My only concern, I think we have too many gods to begin with.

I think we're talking like the ancient Greeks are going to be so over-indexed in this conversation, and they haven't done things They haven't done anything in years and the modern Greeks they've whittled their gods way down

So we're going to try and find um I mean just a bit of background info on Thoth god of the moon wisdom knowledge writing hieroglyph science magic art and judgment Again, amazing the breadth of expertise they had back in those days So they don't specialize like we do now and I guess they didn't have the same distractions He had the head of an ibis which is pretty handy give you a little beak to get and get into stuff and Tanaka Kiquatl was worship for peopling the earth and making it fruitful, which I think is really where our problems began as a planet.

Anyway, we'll have the result of this clash on our Twitter feed on Wednesday as we try to solve all of the world's religious problems by finding the one true God.

And next week's contests, let me just check the fixture list.

Oh, oh, that is a bit of a provocative matchup.

Yeah,

I might see if another podcast wants to take take that one on.

I just want to quickly bring up that

in

one of the gods we have in India is a god dedicated entirely to differential equations.

Ooh, that's pretty good.

Yeah.

I think we bumped them up the list.

Here's the problem, I think, in my life.

I think with this matchup, this week's matchup, we got to go.

uh thought

because i've never in my life prayed for less wisdom but i have been in occasional incidents where I'm like, less fertility would be nice right here.

That's what I'm saying, Andy.

Top story this week, America now has a criminal as a former president.

Exciting times.

At 10 p.m.

UK time on Thursday, two truly historic announcements were made made within minutes of each other.

One was that I, Andy Zolzman, am a contestant on the next series of the Taskmaster TV show, which will be brought

in September.

And as if to bury bad news,

the New York court then announced that Donald Trump was guilty of all 34 counts

in his current head-to-head against the

U.S.

judicial system.

The serial bankruptcy celebr misogyny superstar impeachment veteran, Civil War reenactment fan, and insurrectionist chaotic chaotic stitchian was found guilty of essentially being himself, and specifically in these 34 cases of falsifying business records, guilty on all charges, much to the delight of everyone.

In fact, I guess, you know, it pleased everyone who thinks it's completely appalling that America ever elected a person such as Trump, and they now have legal confirmation not only that he's a sex pest from last year, but also now a crook.

as well.

And also to the delight of everyone who thinks that only a crook and a sex pest can make America once again the great nation of crooks and sex pests that it was in its greatest halcyon days.

Josh,

I mean, it did feel like, I mean, it was, out of all the extraordinary things that we've seen in the Trumpian era,

I mean, seeing his angry, furious face as

in the photos

and afterwards he emerged from the court.

I mean, it did seem to sort of sum up what America has put itself through over the last, well, nearly decade now.

Yeah, I don't know if we're ever going to see Donald Trump brought to justice, but it is fun to see him brought to fury

and crankiness.

He was convicted of all 34 felony charges he faced, which almost feels like a lifetime achievement award for six decades of uninterrupted crime, give or take a few years.

Although you kind of have to admit, right, he was on trial for using this hush money payment that is

an incorrect use of campaign funds to influence an election.

And he did kind of get away with it because he did get to be president for what I will describe as at least four years.

So it is a little, you're like, ah, you got to hand it to him.

He really did it.

So what's weird is this hush money payment was not the worst deal he's ever made, which would be really saying something as he couldn't keep a casino open in Atlantic City.

I don't think

pessimistically, I don't think it changes anyone's opinion on Trump, right, to see that he's actually convicted of these things he's accused of.

I can't imagine anyone watching the news on TV and going like, Heidi, did you see that report?

Yeah, I guess I guess he did it after all.

Shoot, well, I should probably take off my f ⁇ your feelings Trump 2024 t-shirt and get my Hillary killed Epstein tattoo covered up with a picture of the kids or something.

Seems like he's a bad dude after all.

Josh, I have a quick question.

I mean,

my question is:

could he run the country from jail

for the length of time he's imprisoned?

And if so, what kind of a setup would that jail require?

Fridge full of diet cokes, I think, would be if he gets any say.

I mean,

it definitely seems like not only could he,

but there are people that would think that's the best thing he's ever done.

I truly don't know.

There's going to be a lengthy appeals process.

He also faces...

three other, I believe, criminal trials across the country.

So his presidency, he's going to be kind of busy the whole time.

Like,

which I honestly think is good.

Even if he is president, you kind of want him occupied being prosecuted for a lifetime of crime.

I think that would be good for the country.

I honestly think whenever we get a president, we should kind of wrap them up in a lot of legal red tape just so that the harm that they can do is mitigated.

As you say, I mean, the question of whether it's going to make any difference to people, I mean,

not much.

I mean, as we've previously discussed on this esteemed news organ,

it should not be possible to change your mind, as you said, Josh, about Donald Trump in the year 2024.

It's not like, for example, thinking that you don't like 1980s pop music before finding yourself at first imperceptibly tapping your feet along to Too Shy by Kajagugu and feeling a blinding light of truth searing its way into your soul.

Or, you know, maybe thinking you don't like mozzarella because you've never had the really good stuff, and then finding yourself alone with a glistening, glorious, wobbly, yielding pillow of buffaline perfection, galleting the whole thing in five minutes of spiritual oneness and thinking that maybe we don't live in a godless universe after all.

Or, you know, it's not like thinking that you don't like Test Match cricket before realizing that you've been foolishly precluding yourself from the greatest creation in human history and that no purer, more sumptuous, more kaleidoscopic form of unscripted narrative has ever or could ever be concocted.

You cannot have been waiting for this verdict before making your mind up about Trump.

This should not be the waffer-thin mint of conclusive evidence that tips you over into the explosive realization that maybe this guy is not entirely suitable to lead the world's most powerful nation.

But it might make a little difference.

I hope so.

A little difference in an American presidential election can become a vast defining difference if it's a few thousand people in the right places.

Well, it feels like there is a little fatigue with these two candidates, and I think there are some people who really don't see a lot of daylight between them.

And

I don't agree with that on a lot of topics, but with the low enthusiasm for voter turnout,

we might have kind of a 1-0 football match type.

Montana?

Like there's not that many people there to start with.

So, I mean, if it comes down to just that the only two people in America who can be bothered to vote are Biden and Trump, this could be crucial because Trump could be barred from voting, could he not?

That's right.

In Florida, certainly.

Yeah.

So that, I mean, that could be.

Yeah,

our justice system is a nightmare, and it's good to see it giving nightmares to a person that deserves nightmares.

Anything that can inconvenience this guy is a joy to my heart, frankly.

And so it's not like I don't believe the American justice system is truly like

set up to equally mete out

legal correctness across the world, but it's nice, you know, it's nice to see that

it's bringing down its crushing weight on someone who

seems physically uncrushable.

He's more of a crumpler.

The Republican

Party broadly has not reacted to this verdict by saying it's glorious evidence of

the

full working of American justice.

Donald Trump did not respectfully say, well, law is law, and I will respect its verdict, understandably.

They've both thrown massive strops.

It's been I can't remember who it was that said it was a rigged trial.

And I guess it was rigged in that against the grain of the 21st century world, it allowed things like evidence, fact and the objective judgment of unpartisan members of society to be applied, which understandably many people find confusing, anachronistic and

unfair.

Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House, said today is a shameful day in American history.

And I guess at least on that w we can agree.

I guess we just disagree on why

it's shameful.

And I think maybe I don't think it's shameful in the way that Mark John goes.

No, it almost feels like

when someone goes, oh, you're eating pizza because it's National Pizza Day?

And you go, yeah, I guess.

Yeah, that's why.

This is, yeah, we were doing other shames as a nation.

Yes.

I guess one of the most senior figures in American politics describing the functioning of America's own legal system as a shameful day does make it a shameful day.

So it's kind of a self-fulfilling statement.

Donald Trump also said America's gone to hell,

but I don't know if hell would let America in as it currently stands.

Gentlemen, just a couple of things here.

One, you know, I think this whole British system of rule of law based on your document called the Magna Carta has had its time.

Right.

You know, I think this is the age of TikTok.

I think basically, you know, if you can give your evidence in a two-minute dance, that's really what what counts.

You know, and a couple of things.

Again, India is the world leader here in these sorts of things, particularly in famous people doing things from jail.

So, just maybe this is in the future of advanced democracies.

An Indian billionaire called Subroth Aroy was arrested in a Ponzi scheme.

He stole some $50 billion from India's poor.

And one of the things he did from jail when the Supreme Court told him to repay the money is he sold the Plaza Hotel in New York City from jail.

Trump's reaction was very much

on brand, I guess.

He said, we are a nation in decline, serious decline, millions and millions of people pouring into our country right now from prisons and from mental institutions, terrorists, and they're taking over our country.

Which was not entirely relevant to the case at hand.

But even if he's right, I mean, research has shown that immigrants in the USA have a lower incidence of mental health conditions than those born in the USA itself.

Also, America has pro rata, one of the highest prison populations in the world.

And you could also argue that with its fetchishistic glorification of firearms and its levels of gun violence, America has essentially baked terrorism into the fabric of its everyday national life.

So even if Trump is right that millions of people are pouring into America from prisons, mental institutions, and as terrorists, which he obviously and provably isn't, then he should be pleased about it.

He should be encouraging it as it sort of makes it easier for new arrivals to a nation founded on immigration to settle and blend in.

But such were the hypocrisies.

Well, I mean, there's also research that shows, right, that people who come to America from other countries commit less crime than people who are born here.

And that's certainly true now on average of presidents.

We've basically got two-thirds of a felony per conviction per president, if you average it out now.

Lavasta.

Lavesta.

Can I just ask?

Can I just ask a quick question here i don't know why mr trump is complaining about millions and millions of people who come and become criminals or are are

you know insane because they make up most of his fan base

absolutely yeah i don't know why he would be upset with that well i think we've got to start we've got to stop looking for logic in these things and of that is the one thing that we've learned

Indian news now and whilst US Supreme Court justices might have been chosen by presidents, India is going one step further than that, even.

It turns out that the Prime Minister Narendra Modi has been chosen by God.

And this fact comes from no less a source than the man closest to it, Narendra Modi himself, who told an interviewer that he'd been chosen by God, and God, quotes, just keeps making me do things.

Now, Anuvab, it's long been rumoured that God moves in mysterious ways, but even by God's standards, some of his moves with Modi maybe tip over a little from mysterious into borderline despotic.

But look, I mean, I'm not going to criticise.

God knows what's best for God.

Let's just let God get on with what God does best being God.

But I mean, it does, it's

a bit of a surprise.

I mean, could this be influential in the ongoing Indian election, the news that Narendra Modi has been picked by by God, God himself?

I mean, we are a spiritual country, Andy, Josh, you know, and

God sometimes tells our prime minister to do things.

And it just happens that the elections are going on completely coincidental.

And God told Prime Minister Umodi to arrest specific opposition leaders.

And it's just, it's completely coincidental.

The two have nothing to do with each other.

And

the period of voting in India, which is going on right now,

carries on to the 4th of June.

You are not allowed to campaign while people vote.

That's the rule set up by some British people a very long time ago, which for whatever reason, apparently we still follow because we're a make-believe democracy.

And

one of the things that the Prime Minister has done, because he's a man of God, is he's done campaigning and he's gone off to meditate in solitude to the Himalayas.

But what God told him to do when he goes off to meditate is to take with him a social media team.

Because God wants you on Instagram.

That's what God wants.

And what you gentlemen don't know is that our Prime Minister has been seen everywhere.

You know, it's as a vision.

He's been seen in Canterbury, you know, with the Archbishop of Canterbury.

He's been seen in Mecca, in front of the great stone of Mecca.

He's been seen under the tree where Buddha was meditating.

He's been seen, you know, up at Kailashnath, where the Lord Shiva is supposed to have been.

And that's what a Prime Minister should do.

And an apparition of him should show up in all the houses of worship.

And what is your prime minister doing, Andy?

He's playing football in Southampton.

Wow.

You know, this is the difference.

This is the fundamental difference is when you have a God prime minister, he's always can be in four or five different places, as opposed to a human campaigning prime minister who can only play football in one place.

That's a very preserving impersonal topic.

Okay.

But here's

my big quibble with this.

He said that God keeps making him do things.

Modi says this, but he cannot dial up God directly.

And it's like, look, if God only reaches out when he needs something and doesn't answer when you try to call, God's just not that into you.

That's just, that's just common sense.

Like, dump him.

Also,

I fully understand this because the Indian prime minister allegedly chosen by God.

Our leadership is chosen by a more mysterious force, the Electoral College.

So there is just something that is kind of above our heads, working against logic and reason to choose how our democracies function.

Saying you hear a voice that keeps making you do things is less of a

leadership style and more of a serial killer's insanity plea for clemency.

It's such a fine line.

Yep.

And even members of his own party couldn't defend the statements, right?

That

All they said was like, oh yeah, he's so energetic to make all these campaign events and interviews to say these things, which is not a great defense because what it really sounds like is, oh, he's not schizophrenic.

He's having a manic episode, aka the neurodivergence that gets shit done.

I just want to pick up on a couple of other things Modi said, Anugab.

He said that God, quotes, does not reveal his cards.

And to me, you know, that does make a lot of things make...

I mean, if all of life on Earth is is just some kind of high-stakes card game between rival deities, I think that would explain pretty much everything about the entire history of our fing species and its cranky old planet.

So, I mean,

that makes sense for me.

That's that, I understand

the hymn that really brings into focus the hymn by the great theologian Kenny Rogers.

When they say, you got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them.

That's not talking, that's a metaphor, and that's God talking to us.

Exactly.

And I think he's absolutely right, gentlemen, because you know, God will reveal himself when the time is right.

And in Prime Minister Modi's case, you know, God reveals himself as a group of income tax officials that show up at your doorstep and arrest opposing journalists or not-for-profit NGO workers.

You know, so,

I mean, he does reveal itself at the right time, but the time is decided by God, not by Prime Minister Modi.

And God feels this is a good time for our jails to be filled with leaders of the opposition.

That's, you know, like God may feel differently in a month when they're all released.

And the Prime Minister is one.

So it's seasonal, you know, it's karma.

There was one other thing Modi said.

He said, when my mother was alive, I used to believe that I was born biologically.

After she passed away, upon reflecting on all my experiences, I was convinced that God had sent me.

Now, this to me shows exactly why we must all talk to our loved ones when we have the chance.

Because this is exactly the kind of confusion that could have been cleared up if little Naza had asked his mummy while she was alive, was I born biologically or sent by God or both.

And, you know, my own father died 18 months ago.

And I'd never asked him whether I was born biologically or sent by God.

But fortunately, my mother is still alive.

So I checked with her and yes, I was born biologically.

So, you know, to all of you buglers listening, just make sure you know before you do and say anything stupid like vote for me, I was sent by God.

I also think this is just straight up an issue of object permanence, right?

As soon as his mother is out of his field of vision, he's like, maybe I don't have a mother.

He's a busy man.

He didn't get much time to spend with his mother.

By the time he could ask her, she was dead and he was a man of God.

I mean, that's how most of our gods started.

I think if he really wanted to get this over, right, get this proclamation over, he should have become one of those guys that ostentatiously uses female pronouns for God.

Like, yeah, I talked to God and she said I should be the prime minister.

People will be like, wow, that must be real.

Because he wouldn't just say a thing like that.

That's too progressive for him.

The Indian internet has been quite interesting as a result of these statements because there's been a flood of stuff on Twitter saying,

you know, not only, you know, am I not born of a woman, I also think I'm a Shaolin master.

These sorts of things have shown up on the internet of all the things that our prime minister is.

So

I think that he's a pretty good chance of winning this election, particularly because I've read in democracies where you have no opposition, you have a chance of winning slightly better than where you have an opposition.

Well, it's either the people believe in Modi, or if not, the Indian people, I have to imagine will lose their faith in God entirely if he's not re-elected.

If God's choice can't be elected democratically.

Yeah.

In other Indian news,

well, it's getting hot, Anubab.

It's all, I mean, generally, it's pretty hot in India, but the temperature in Delhi has passed the 50 degrees Celsius mark, the hottest day recorded in Delhi.

Authorities have warned there could be water shortages

with temperatures almost 10 degrees higher than expected, which still makes it, well, that's 40 degrees, which is f ⁇ ing hot, objectively.

So, I mean, could Narendra Modi now ask his de facto parent and boss God to chuck a little cleansing snowfall Delhi's way sometime soon, do you think?

Yeah, yeah, when the time is right.

I think now he's using...

Exactly, Josh.

The time has to be right.

Now he's using the heat to make sure people can't come out and vote.

But when he's ready, you know, he's going to shower the people for not coming out to vote.

So, turnout has only been 40%.

It's so hot in Delhi, gentlemen, right now.

I don't know if you read this story, but a tiger in the Delhi Zoo was thrown a goat for lunch and he refused to come out and eat it.

Wow.

A tiger in the Delhi Zoo has gotten into intermittent fasting.

It does not want to deal with the Delhi summer.

It's, yeah.

Even the tigers are going, maybe just a Caesar salad in the tea.

Something light.

Kombucha.

Yeah, I'm going to get the goat sweats if I eat this thing.

And, you know, in terms of

the temperature hitting 50 degrees in Delhi, I mean, it's not...

the easiest city to breathe in at the best of times.

I mean, I was only been to Delhi once.

I was there in 2011 when the air was as pure as a newborn mountain breeze relative to what it is now.

And I think it's taken, I think now, 13 years for my blood oxygen to recover to something that is approximately survivable.

Air has two components, Andy, right?

Nitrogen and oxygen.

The oxygen component is missing in Delhi.

So people often travel to Bombay and Bangalore to get that component back in the air.

But it's having disastrous effects on the water table because Delhi is already a desert region.

And one of the non-helpful things has been that the chief minister of Delhi, whose job it is to run the municipality of Delhi, has been imprisoned imprisoned by God.

So

he has not been able to run Delhi.

So he's out of prison on bail, actually.

Irvine K.

Jawal has been out of prison just to be able to campaign.

And he goes back to jail on the 2nd of June.

So he's also had to deal with administrative issues.

And one of the things he said about the water table of Delhi is he said, I'm sad to report that the water table of Delhi is no longer a water table.

It's just a table.

So that's not helpful.

I believe cities need water.

Well, that's a very old-fashioned way of looking at things, Anuvab.

We've got the internet now.

That's creditless.

I don't like that this is the kind of world record we're setting now.

Whenever you hear about a record, it's always record temperatures.

It used to be a guy would make the biggest pancake the world has ever seen, and then you'd put his picture in a book until some other lady made a bigger pancake.

And I miss those days.

Now it's just like the hottest day on record in Delhi.

And

that's no fun.

Just for translation for the American listeners that like me need to Google this, 50.5 degrees Celsius is about 123 degrees Fahrenheit, which I only converted because 50 degrees doesn't sound like enough degrees over here to start to be impressive.

The human body in America, on our measurement system,

we know that the human body is 98 degrees, thanks to the famed biologist Nick Lachey and his cohort of singing scientists.

Climate change is like the most serious thing that we have daily evidence of getting worse.

And people will contort themselves around those realities to kind of flexibly deny.

the future, right?

Like a lake will catch on fire, just the water is on fire.

And people are like, it's called summer.

Ever heard of it?

yeah exactly i mean look if people want a view of climate change they should come to north india in the summer because occasionally you'll dive through north india and you will see a hundred die on fire on a regular basis

and that you can see what the end of the world look like just just you know i have to i have to say that delhi does have a history of running out of water um

In the year 1600, the Emperor Akbar, the great emperor of India, decided to move the entire capital of Delhi to Agra, where, you know, they later the Taj Mahal came up, and because he thought Agra was prettier.

And he took the whole city there, realized they have no water, and then brought everyone back to Delhi.

So North India is quite used to this.

Wow.

That, I mean, I've like left for a trip without booking a hotel before, but that even for me, that seems like a lot is moving an entire city to a different region with no water.

Always book a premier in.

That's what I said.

That's right.

It's the ultimate Wi-Fi that does it.

Exactly.

UK election news now.

And obviously, when you set the UK election, which is coming on July the 4th, alongside America and India, it does seem like a pretty disappointing jam staller of village fate.

But our politicians are heroically trying to make it as bonkers and shit as possible.

Rishi Sunak, the acting Prime Minister,

who had, as we reported last week, a very soggy start to his campaign, calling the election whilst being

physically and metaphorically reined on by fate,

has been struggling, I think, to sort of really cut through to the broader public and came up with one of the weirder suggestions of

recent election campaigns, in which he placed a bring back national service for Britain's 18-year-olds.

Obviously, this was reported as being all kids are going to have to serve in the military, which wasn't what the public was, but to be fair, the Conservative did promote it as essentially a military thing with the sort of branding and the language that they use for it.

Admiral Alan West, a former First Sea Lord, proclaimed that the idea is, quotes, basically bonkers.

Richard Dannett, former chief of general staff in the military, went called it electoral opportunism.

Personally, I think the idea of national service being brought back is a fantastic one.

Now, I don't generally support the Conservative government and Rishi Sunak.

I don't generally agree with their ideas.

This, I do think, is a brilliant idea, trying to create a sense of social cohesion and communal responsibility in a divided nation.

I just think they're getting the wrong people to do it.

It shouldn't be 18-year-olds.

It should be

everyone f ⁇ ing else, frankly, that isn't 18.

And if that's not logistically feasible, which it isn't, this is 2020s Britain we're talking about.

Nothing is logistically feasible, not getting a f ⁇ ing train to run vaguely on time or stopping a turd going for a bathe in the sea.

Then it should be, I think we should aim for national service for A, people aged, I don't know, 65 and over.

Maybe just replace retirement with national service.

It would give old people something to do, give something back to society.

B, anyone, there should be like an earnings limit on it.

So as soon as you start earning over a certain amount, bang, you have to do your national service, maybe £200,000 a year or maybe you've got more than a million pounds in assets, and then you do your national service.

Anyone who voted for Brexit, obviously they should be first on the list.

And anyone who's donated over £10,000 to a political party.

And that would create, I think that would create some sense of social.

Okay, but telling the young who've had no say in what the nation is today, they've had no influence in the nation-splitting cantankerousness fuel divisions of Brexit or in flogging off our national resources to anyone who'll pay or stripping to the bone of the structures of our national life, telling them that they need to be more patriotic,

that really does not add up for me.

It reminds me of when I met the artist Damien Hurst whilst I was washing a cow in a bathtub, and he started shouting and screaming at me about how you should never put animals in liquid.

That is how I feel.

Andy, I've only spent a couple of summers in your country, and I have a quick question.

Don't you already have a sort of compulsory thing that young people have to do?

Don't all your young people every June have to go to a place called Glastonbury?

I

It's sort of like military service, right?

They have to roam around semi-naked, shouting, I'm looking for Stormzy.

It's in this mad day.

You're often in

very muddy conditions reminiscent of the worst excesses of the world.

It's trench warfare, essentially.

The military aspect of this was very concerning to me, right?

Because

it seems to me from afar that because younger voters voters tend to lean left, the Tories are playing the long game by proposing a system that will vastly cut down on the number of young people, right?

Just by making them serve in the military.

I don't, which I also don't like because I don't trust, no offense, a beefed up British military not to get too excited and start colonizing again.

You get a bunch of virile 18-year-olds together, and they're going to take over an already inhabited island and rename it after a member of the royal family.

That's just what they're going to do.

You can't change a nation's DNA, Josh.

And here in America.

Well, so similarly, here in America, we're constantly talking about how to drive youth turnout in elections.

And Rishi Sunak has solved that problem, but only for getting young people to vote against him.

He was like, we need to find a conservative candidate like that back here.

Someone running on the MAGA ticket, whoever Trump chooses a vice president from jail, to alienate everyone under 25 by being like, when I'm elected, skinny jeans are back.

In other election news, the Labour Party looks pretty much nailed on to win the election.

That's a term, of course, that goes back to the very first Easter nailed on.

But anyway,

however, it's not taking this inevitable victory lying down and is

in the midst of what is now Labour's traditional internal party squabbling stroke civil war with arguments over whether Diane Abbott and other more left-wing Labour candidates should be standing.

We will have more on this over coming weeks, including at the Bugle Live election special show on the 23rd of June at the Bloomsbury Theatre, where Anu Ab will be joining me to give the latest on the Indian elections, and Nish Kumar will also be there.

Buy your tickets online.

It's quite a big theatre, so buy lots.

Andy, can I just say I will be there, but I won't be speaking.

God will be speaking.

I just wanted to clarify.

Just quickly clarify that.

Wow.

What a gig that is turning out to be.

Other world news now, and North Korea has been shitting on South Korea.

Quite literally, the secretive parody communist dictatorship, North Korea, has apparently been floating bags full of shit

across the border attached to hot air air balloons in an attempt to i have no idea i have no idea what this is attempting to do but they have just been dropping bags of shit on south korea now clearly it's not great if you're on the receiving end of a bag of north korean but on the plus side probably a bit less concerning than for example a nuclear weapon and if this is what kim jong-un's north korea has been reduced to slow-moving floating bags of shit i feel reassured and confident of a brighter future for all humanity.

I mean, strategically, Josh, I know you're you are one of America's leading military strategic military tacticians.

Yeah,

what's the thinking here?

Okay, well, this is a tactic commonly known as Operation Dave Matthews bands tour bus going through Chicago.

And obviously, I think this is actually a very subtle yet effective way to wage international diplomatic conflict.

Because we've seen a hot war and we know the devastation that can cause.

We've seen a cold war and we know that what that can do to economies and what that can do to the global climate.

What we have not seen in years is an international prank war.

And I think

that that's what this is.

This is setting it off.

I think to retaliate,

South Carolina, South Korea needs to call up Kim Jong-un and ask him if his refrigerator is running, only to tell him that he'd better go catch it.

And I think that kind of tactical tete-a-tete is what's going to ultimately, yeah, bring peace and stability to the region.

South Korea has a history.

So

this is what I have, the only thing I've really come up with is South Korea has a history of sending leaflets and COVID

PPP personal protective PPE personal protective equipment in balloons to North Korea.

And I think this seems like a pretty clear message from the North Korean government, from their regime, where they would like South Korea to shove those things that they've been sending over in balloons.

Gentlemen, I just have to say this sets a terrible precedent.

Floating feces

is not helpful to anybody.

I am a little bit worried that, you know, I've been doing shows across the UK and some of my audience members have been sending some of these floating feces towards the Premier Inn.

I don't know what messages are.

Through the pipes of the toilet.

I should say that

just in case the Premier Inn's legal team are listening to this podcast,

there are several differences between a jail and a Premier Inn.

Just to correct Danuvab.

I think the beds are more comfortable.

Yes.

And you can leave.

That's one of them.

I mean, that is one of the key differences.

Although, in jail, I imagine the Continental breakfast goes to a more reasonable hour than

6.30 a.m.

for some reason.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle.

Don't forget to buy your tickets for our election special show at the Bloomsbury Theatre in London on the 23rd of June.

I will be announcing my tour dates in approximately one week from now.

So let's just say on next week's bugle, I'll tell you where they're all going to be.

Quite a lot of dates.

So I'm going to need you all to find your way to lots of places.

Also, the news quiz is back next week on Radio 4 and BBC Sound, so tune into that if you want more on the current current state of the British election.

Anubab, anything to plug?

Well, I'm finishing my tour, Department of Britishness in London at the Solar Theatre from the 4th to the 8th of June.

And I just want to clarify, Andy, that what I mean by Britishness is not the nation or ethnic Britishness.

What I mean by Britishness is that any one of us can be British as long as we deny ourselves any external manifestation of joy.

That is how I identify.

And I don't know how.

The audiences at my shows have been British for years.

Josh, what have you got to plug?

Oh, I'm filming a new stand-up special at the tickets for the late shows

June 21st at the Bellhouse.

And leading up to that, I've got a couple quick headline shows to tune up.

Philadelphia on June 8th.

That's in the afternoon.

Come see me at 4.30 p.m.

at Helium Comedy Club.

Stamford Comedy Club in Connecticut on the 13th.

And then June 15th, a few more tickets left for my show at the Kismet Theatre in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.

Late show tickets only.

I'm so excited.

And you can find all this in my newsletter, joshgondelman.substack.com.

The newsletter is called That's Marvelous.

Thank you for listening, Bugles.

We'll be back next week with our live shows at the Leicester Square Theatre.

I believe there's very few tickets, if any, left, but we will have highlights from those shows for you as our next bugle in just over over a week's time that will feature me, Alice Fraser, Nato Green and Nish Kumar.

See you all soon.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.