Literally Anybody Else

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers, I am Andy Zoltzmann and I do not feel I need to share any proof of that with you.

You are simply going to have to take my word for it.

Welcome to issue 4297 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

This show comes from our Bugle live show in Edinburgh last Thursday for which I was joined by James Nikisei at the Queen's Hall, a former church-turned performance venue that I'm delighted to say turned out to have been 100% decommissioned properly, as proven by the fact that I was not struck down by a vengeful god even once during the entire show.

We were also joined via the wondrous worldwide witchcraft that is the internet by Josh Gondelman from New York.

And these are some of the words that the three of us said at the time, in the order that we said them, unless producer Chris has really dicked around in the edit.

On this day in 1854 Britain and France declared war on Russia to join the smash-hit platinum selling mid-19th century conflict the Crimean War which of course raged until 1856 and was well known for classic fk ups like the charge of the light brigade when it turned out that heavy artillery on three sides of a valley could on occasion prove more than a match for wearing smart British uniforms, playing fair, having natty moustaches and a a general sense of British superiority.

So,

but Living Learn.

Or not Living Learn.

In October 1854, celebrity nurse Florence Nightingale went out to the wars.

Keep yourself calm.

Only at this gig would that

get that reaction.

Of course the celebrity nurse went out to do some pretty high-octane nursing.

See, the Crimean War saw way more people die of disease than die of war, but Florence's nursing revolution helped put humanity on a course for better medical practices

in wartime.

So that by the time the 20th century mega wars rolled around, we could really focus on the absolute fing brutality of war instead without having to worry about people dying of illness.

It was a real progress for humanity.

Was she one of the nurses that gave like the first happy endings to soldiers?

That I don't know.

I mean, you might be have been taught slightly different lessons in a history class in New Zealand, James.

We definitely didn't get that.

She was like the night nurse, right?

And she'd come around and help put you to sleep.

Yeah, look, I mean, she didn't specifically write about that.

Well, you don't write about it.

You don't want to be crude.

Before nurses, it was really tough.

They just had your dad come in and say, walk it off.

So this is huge.

That's basically

what medicine was in Britain until I think at least 2008.

Just walk it off.

I think it's probably going back there.

I could say the NHS quite a lot of money.

If just rather than operations and medicine, just walk it off became the.

Well, I do think we should have three strikes and you're out with the NHS.

Three goes on the NHS in your lifetime, and then you're on your own.

It might sound a bit harsh, but I think you'll find people won't worry about it.

You can see three over there?

You can eat it in three times.

Yeah, but you pray harder in America, so it probably balances out.

That's right.

Yeah,

but the government doesn't listen to Jew prayers, so I'm in big trouble.

Today, I don't know if you know this, this is National Something on a Stick Day.

This is a fact.

That is a genuine something on a stick day.

Perhaps

most famously celebrated back in, what was it now, about 33 AD, I think, in the Roman province of Judea.

Cost us a lot of market share.

That is really.

Easter, of course, this weekend.

Are you excited about Easter?

The renowned round festival for lapsed Jews.

Sorry, Christians.

Basically, lapsed Jews.

Commemorating when the then four-time Holy Land magician and raconteur of the year suffered his career-ending but profile-boosting crucifixion industry industry?

Injury.

There we go.

Top story now.

American American politics news now and well the American election is

looming over the democratic world like the bacon industry over a baby pig.

And

have you enjoyed the election campaign so far?

No, do you follow American politics?

Yes, and

do you feel that enthusiasm?

I mean, I think it's important to follow American politics just because at least it makes our politics seem marginally less

than it is

comparison.

So Josh, you are our official candidate, I think,

in the presidential election running for the Bugle Party.

But there's another name in

the race as of this week, and that is Mr.

Literally Anybody Else.

And this is after a man from Texas changed his name

to literally anybody else and announced a presidential run.

I mean Josh you've got to think he must now be the bookie's favorite, surely.

He is an odds-on favorite, and on one hand, as a comedian, I do respect the commitment to the bit to legally change your name.

That is, I salute you, sir.

On the other hand, this isn't really politics, right?

Like, his name, he said his name isn't a person.

It's a rally cry.

But if I've learned anything about American politics, and I try not to, but I have, it's that things could always get worse.

And this feels like a real monkey's paw wish of a name change.

Oh,

you want literally anybody else?

How about American President Vladimir Putin?

Or

President the First Baby born on New Year's Day, 2025?

Or

how about President Jared from Subway?

I don't know.

If that works over where you are, that reference says he's one of our most famous television pedophiles.

I too am frustrated with the gerontocracy of American politics, but I don't think childish attention grabs their way out of this situation.

And I say that as a professional childish attention grabber.

Although,

this new guy's name is perfect because it's exactly who I would want to talk to if I ran into him at a party.

He'd be like, oh, you're literally anyone else?

Excuse me, I've got to go talk to literally anyone else.

James, I mean,

have you been following the election campaign so far or just

I think like most people outside of America, there's just this impending sense that none of us trust them not to f this up.

That's how we feel inside America too.

But I feel like he's skipped, he's missed a beat here because, you know, he's gone with literally anyone else, and that's fun, but if you really want to capture those swing voters, why not just just like change your name to Obama Bush?

That just really confused the hell out of me.

It does seem that corporate America, Josh, thinks that Donald Trump

is going to win in November.

I mean, how much is this just corporate America basically gambling on a Trump?

a Trump victory?

Because it seems quite hard for us to understand how Trump could possibly win again.

But I guess what makes him so strong as as a candidate is there's a famous saying in politics that if you throw enough shit at a wall, some of it will stick.

I think it was Aristotle first said it.

But the thing with Trump, and this is what sort of affected Hillary Clinton last time, this is what's sort of affecting Biden this time, but with Trump, Trump is not a wall.

Trump is a volcano of shit.

And if you throw shit at a volcano of shit, what you end up with is an indiscernibly larger volcano of shit.

So it doesn't really have any effect on the people who've already decided they quite like the idea of living on a volcano of shit.

So I hope I've explained that in accessible terms.

So

what do you make of this, Josh, that your big business in America seems to be punting for Trump?

Yeah, I mean, I don't really trust business predictions, no matter how many great documentaries about Elizabeth Holmes they've given us.

But

this isn't a prediction, right?

Of course corporations are predicting that Trump is going to win.

They want him to win.

He accelerated ongoing upward transfer of capital in America.

This isn't a prognostication.

It's the secret for guys with MBAs.

That's all it is.

I'm like, corporate executives are, we don't like to think of it this way because it seems, they seem more genteel, but corporate executives are one of Trump's key demographics.

Everyone pictures Trump voters as a horde of guys who have never seen a lesbian in person descending from the hills.

of Appalachia, just coming down from the hills to swarm the voting booths and cast 15 ballots apiece.

But Trump is also quite popular with C-suite moguls who would love to use unhoused people as backup fuel for their Teslas.

But they also enjoy living in a place where they can get Thai food delivered.

So

I've got to make this part of me that just wants to vote Trump in because currently, and that could change, the laws are you only get two terms.

And we, this seems really weird to say, but we haven't seen Trump with no f left to give yet.

And there is that sort of mortar, oh, let's just end the world now kind of view where you go oh what how how bad could it get

you know like when you go to Amsterdam and you like just have your first hash cookie and then like you're like oh this is pretty bad but how bad could it get and and then you wake up in Estonia

Oh so I mean obviously Josh Trump he's he's got a few sort of legal

distractions at the moment About 290 of them, I think.

But this seems to be strengthening Trump, Josh,

this deluge of court cases.

Yeah, well, I mean, as you said, it's a shit volcano.

And so when shit hits the fan, it just is,

that's where he lives, right?

Trump, I feel like, wouldn't know what to do if he didn't owe people money because then he wouldn't know what to do with his money other than give it to the people he owes.

Tattoo news in America.

It's turned out that up to 90% of tattoo ink in the USA has been mislabeled after some research by scientists.

More on scientists later in the show.

They've been absolutely disgracing themselves of late.

But anyway, they've done some very important research into the labeling of tattoo inks.

James, you're a little bit more of an expert on

the art of the tattoo than I am.

I've only got the one, which is a tattoo of my face that I had done on my face.

I'm a bit worried about how it's going to age.

But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I mean, this

is this, because I don't know

what tattoo ink is actually made of.

From what I worked out, it was from a mixture of milk, Spanish famouth, ketchup, and the souls of the damned.

But I might have got one of these mislabeled bottles.

So, I mean, is there,

I mean, does this worry you did you check the increase?

The New Zealand tattoos, particularly what you're talking about.

New Zealand tattoos are a combination of links, a deep heat,

and the sweat from the all-black skin.

Yeah, it's a little bit worrying.

And again, it's the kind of story that could only come out of the States.

It's like, how do you f up tattoo ink, something that indigenous cultures have been doing around the world for centuries, and somehow the Americans have managed to make like a toxic version of it.

Of course, of course course they have.

Yeah, look,

I kind of want to see this get more political.

I want to see, I think what we need to see is more American politicians rocking some ink.

I think that's where their pop culture's going.

And I feel like I want to see Bernie Sanders with a teardrop.

You know, and then like a tree on the other side.

I want to see, I think Donald Trump has definitely got some sort of tattoo about pussy somewhere on Trident.

And we can all agree to that.

I saw you checking out my ink as well and how cultural it is, wondering if you should ask me about this or it's going to be racially insensitive.

We can talk about your ink and then we can talk about my lack of foreskin.

And then it's probably a relevant bump tough.

It's just a Friday night for us, so specifically.

James, you gave me such a great idea.

I think that we should make it more political.

I feel like it's fine to mislabel tattoo ink only in the specific case that all the colors used for a Confederate flag tattoo are replaced with the COVID vaccine.

Just get it into the veins of the people who haven't had it yet.

Josh, whenever you do the bugle, I'm just, I can't wait for the day that you do genuinely become president because you have solutions for everything.

Thank you.

Thank you.

One final American story before we move on to the rest of the universe.

Baseball story,

Josh.

And the biggest star in baseball at the moment, Shohei Otani, Japanese player, who's a sort of unique baseball player, who's on, I think, a $700 million

contract.

But he's got in trouble,

Shohei Otani, because his interpreter seems to have stolen a lot of money from him to gamble with.

And then Otani's been dragged into

sort of argument about sports and gambling.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is, I mean, American media has been obsessed with the Shohei Otani story ever since Kate Middleton's situation got what we call way less fun to talk about.

Good stuff.

Baseball, if you don't know, if you don't have a lot of experience with American baseball, it's like cricket, but for all the countries that you people didn't force to learn how to play cricket.

It is so boring, though.

Watching the World Cup in Spanish is like the most exciting sporting event you've ever seen.

Watching baseball in Spanish still sounds like three hours of good night moon.

So Shohei Otani is the reigning most valuable player in the American league, not to be confused with the National League, which is also just American.

And he's caught up in a gambling scandal.

He says he's never gambled, and that his longtime translator, Ipe

Mizuhara, stole $4.5 million from him and used it to place bets.

I have a solution for this.

I think if you're the MVP, you should get to gamble.

I can bet on sports.

Andy, you know I'm solution-oriented.

I can bet on sports.

I'm just some slob.

Why can't the person who knows the most about sports and would be the best at gambling be allowed to do it?

That seems unfair to all the time he's put into learning about baseball.

You You may ask, wouldn't that encourage cheating?

Yes.

Of course it would.

I also think you should be allowed to cheat at baseball.

It would make it more exciting.

I do.

I feel for Shohi Atani because it's not just his translator, it's like one of his oldest mates as well.

It's his bro who's also his translator.

So it's like a double betrayal.

And we've all got that one mate who just is an old mate, but really f ⁇ s up our life

like the missus doesn't want him coming round he's like you don't speak the language he speaks the language but you think he's ordering a subway and he's actually like embezzling your funds into a gambling syndicate

and the the whole thing is that he didn't know any of this was happening so his translator was out there going oh no this guy is gonna pay off my fines and then he was like what who said what

and i just think it's the funniest shit because close friends, their parents are definitely going to know each other.

And I just feel like the real story is back in Japan

where they're having the most passive aggressive cup of tea anyone has seen.

Going, I think your son robbed my son.

Passive aggressive, certainly that's the Latin tense I found hardest to learn in my schooling.

You do have to explain to Scottish people passive aggressive.

Have we got time for one more before the interval?

Well, that's up to you, Andy.

You're the boss.

Right.

That's passive-aggressive.

I mean...

Yeah.

Not only is it passive-aggressive, but me being the boss of anything is deeply worrying for everyone concerned.

Scotland news now!

Right, okay, buglers, I'm going to ask you a question.

Do any of you have anything to say to Chris?

Well, he can say you now,

but in April that would land you all in jail for hate crimes.

It's

that's so Hamza Youssef has criticised disinformation over the hate crime law.

He's talked about disinformation and inaccuracy, which I think were Michael Gove and Boris Johnson's Secret Service code names, by point of incidence.

Also, I think the Bugle's backup slogan.

James, obviously

you live here now, and this law is about to come in.

Do you feel that you're never going to be able to say anything again out loud?

Well, I was actually down in Scottish Parliament a couple of days ago, because you can do that here.

It's really weird.

Just walk up and go like, oh, hi, can I come in?

And they're like, yeah.

That's how Boris Johnson became Prime Minister.

It's not just up here.

But Humza User was going,

for our international listeners, obviously the locals will know, the hate speech laws in Scotland's

new legislation coming in on April 1st, which.

Like, of all the dates, to say you can't call J.K.

Rowling a is just.

So the laws are being changed.

Now, important to know that there are already

hate crime laws in place against racism and religion.

And the main gist of this, just to speed it all up, is people are worried that people like J.K.

Rowling will say something transphobic on Twitter and then the cops will show up at her door, first thing to say, arrest her for hate crimes, which Hamza Youssef has said was definitely not not something that would happen obviously you would raise J.K.

Rowling's house for the crimes of Grindelworf or whatever that horrific fantastic beast film was

or just

clearly

this is why we don't broadcast live

Lord of the Rings

But it's it's it's a very interesting

time because people have been going well comedians could get arrested at gigs or actors could be arrested.

And I feel like all of these people who are fear-mongering have not yet encountered Scottish police

because they don't have the time for that.

I could jaywalk withered joints

and they'd just be like, all right, pal.

And I'll be like,

Greg's is over there.

Thank you very much.

I mean, obviously, comedy and hate speech is

quite an important issue for all of us in comedy.

Certainly was for me when 400 people exercised their right to be as hateful as possible through speech when I was on stage at the Manchester Comedy Store back in

2002.

Well that's the thing with comedians isn't it?

People are like, oh,

the police might show up.

And we were like,

that's kind of nice.

That's not a bad gig.

Ticket sales are ticket sale.

Some of my early Edinburgh Festival shows, I'd have f ⁇ ing killed for some policing,

Which might have been counterproductive.

Anyway, I haven't really thought that through.

It's so silly to the people that are getting upset about this.

It feels like to me, as an observer from somewhere else, right?

Because it's trans-exclusive radical feminists.

We call them TERFs here, but they say they call themselves gender-critical, right?

And they're saying that these laws might come down hard on gender-critical feminists.

And to which I say, oh, you're worried about people making arbitrary laws laws that would infringe on your way of life?

Sounds tough.

Let's follow that logic to the end, shall we?

I mean, obviously, you know, one of the great things as humans, one of the things that has really set us above other species in the evolutionary race, is our ability to be monstrously hateful to each other in incredibly creative ways.

I mean, I think of human history, I don't know what percentage of all history is a hate crime, but

I mean, it's got to be at least 90%, I reckon, mentioning no empires.

And well, Scotland here, I mean, your national animal is the unicorn, which is a hate crime.

Big spiky spike at the average height of an English person's face.

I would say

that is a hype.

I need to get a new Scottish symbol, maybe the bagpipe or the flip side of the bagpipe, the person with their fingers in their ears.

Either of us do would do.

Either of us do.

I do think like this, and I say this with deep love, I think

what I love about the Scots is you're straight talking people and

you swear like the language is a garnish on a sentence.

Like you'll do a sentence normally and your brain just goes, there's not enough and in there.

And then you just sprinkle it on top, and like Robbie Burns.

So I don't know that people should be really worried in this country in particular about hate speech laws because it's very, as a foreigner, it's very difficult to tell.

Are you threatening me or applauding me?

I cannot.

Let's talk a little bit about the state of politics in Scotland.

Another spat between the SNP and the

Westminster Government this week about Rishi Schunak pledging to spend £200 million

strengthening the UK's nuclear deterrent rather than, for example,

fixing the NHS or buying everyone in the country half a pint of beer at London prices.

So are you happy with the SNP?

Are you happy with the Tories?

Are you excited about Labour?

Well, there we go.

That's a little snapshot of the state of politics in the United Kingdom.

It was worth fighting all those wars for.

Three world wars, two hot, one cold.

So,

yeah, so you could spend £200 million on the NHS.

That would be free...

surgery worth a quarter of a million pounds for 800 randomly chosen people, which I think would make great television, if nothing else.

They could spend it on a special decoy-inflatable Great Britain to just pump out,

put Boris Johnson on, and then just float it into the Atlantic where he can live out his dreams in a safe environment.

So, but obviously, you know, the relationship between Scotland and Westminster has been

well, it's been a little well, it's always been between Scotland and anything south.

I've pretty much, I mean, that was exemplified when Hadrian took one look at this place and said, wall, big wall, big, big, big wall.

So, um, uh, James, what do you, I mean, as a sort of newcomer to Scotland, how do you compare?

Because I mean, New Zealand politics, where you come, that's got quite poisonous.

We'll talk about that a little bit later on.

Oh, that's great.

Like, things happen.

Although, like, I don't know, man,

I've been gigging in Edinburgh, giggling in Glasgow, but I have also gigged in Dundee and Aberdeen, and I don't know if you need a nuclear deterrence.

I'm not sure that's really the vibe.

Because in Scotland, though,

the nuclear storage, that's the very controversial part: is that you have the nukes.

And I feel like that's why England is spending 200, was it million billion?

200 million.

200 million, because they're like, oh, we should probably get some back before they leave.

Because you have the deterrence.

But they do not.

you could nuke them

I'm not saying that's why I moved here

another story from Scotland this week is that visit Scotland your de facto national tourism organization that is supposed to persuade the world to come to Edinburgh the Highlands the beautiful islands off the west coast Paisley Cumbernauld and Stenhouse Muir is

closing all of its information centers And the best bit about this is how they've explained it.

We're saying this is part of a strategy designed to grow the visitor economy by influencing visitors in the planning stage of their trip before they leave home.

So they're basically just closing all the tourist information centers,

hoping that by the time people get here, they've got everything planned.

But again, it sounds weird if you're from overseas, but if you've been in Scotland, it's the most Scottish fing thing.

Figure it out before you get here.

But no one, like, if you want to learn about Scotland and Scottish tourism, you don't go to a visitor centre.

You go into a local pub, announce you're a foreigner, and people will just tell you shit to do.

And that's way more fun shit, isn't it?

Yeah.

I'm so glad that they're still projecting the information overseas because I heard they were closing the information centers down and I thought no you can't do that because I don't know enough about Scotland and if you cut off that flow of information the longer it goes without being reminded what Scotland is actually like the more I'll just picture Narnia

so

and this is you need you need to keep these centers open, right?

I understand that you want to bring people in, but as some I don't when I travel, I don't even Google how to get to my hotel until I arrive, until I land at the airport.

You cannot overestimate how underprepared tourists are.

I don't even exchange my money until I get overseas.

I just bring my American dollars to try to do it at the airport.

And it backfired one time.

I had a whole trip in Canada where I couldn't buy anything because I didn't have money.

So I had to just go where they would take my currency.

So for the whole trip, I ate nothing but heroin.

I think I've been the mistake Andy is that you don't need information centers when you come to Scotland.

You need translation centers.

That's all you need.

Because they're very helpful.

They'll tell you a whole bunch of stuff you can do and you will understand about one-eighth of what you've been told

and try and figure out if you're being complimented or threatened.

Let's move across the hemispheres to New Zealand news now.

Well James, some sensational stories from New Zealand.

Somehow, I didn't think I'd ever say this sentence, the pop group Chumba Wumba is in an argument with a New Zealand politician.

How has this come about?

Oh it's not just a New Zealand politician, it is the Deputy Prime Minister of New Zealand whose name is Winston Peters, who is known in New Zealand as

it's it incredible to me that Winston Peters is so hated, he's getting booed on the other side of the planet.

Maori Trump is his nickname.

He's a populist, an incredible populist, a very angry populist, who may or may not have bummed cigarettes off me unknowingly behind the back of a political bar in Wellington.

But

he played Tub Thumping,

you know, by Java,

at one of his rallies, his meetings,

and he is

a right-wing politician, but he's also been Labour's deputy prime minister.

He's a populist, he'll do whatever.

Chumwamba were informed of this, and if you know their history, they didn't really like the idea of a right-wing politician.

So they sent a cease and assist to Mr.

Peters,

who basically went

off.

You're a one-hit wonder from the 90s.

What are you going to do?

So, Chumbawamba is suing him.

It's really wonderful that we can give this to the world that has got so many global conflicts going on right now that we can say come to New Zealand.

The worst conflict we have are 90s anarchist punks

versus a Kmart version of Donald Trump.

I mean,

I'm not really in a position to judge people for using sort of strange walk-on music.

I once did a gig gig at Liverpool University with John Oliver in our early days, and he dared me to use Bob Dylan's Masters of War as a walk-on track, which is an early Dylan acoustic track singing about the absolute horror of war.

And

whilst it made John laugh,

it left a room of 200 students so confused that they were then silent for the next 40 minutes.

So

that's bullshit.

Josh, has this story made the States?

I've heard it, yeah.

And it just is so baffling to me when right-wing politicians use music that is so obviously left-wing.

And clearly, even tub-thumping is an anarchist anthem, right?

He takes a whiskey drink, he takes a vodka drink, he takes the lager drink, he takes a cider drink.

You put that all in one bottle, that's a Molotov cocktail.

I think that's where the confusion has come from.

Because people who might know Winston Peters or listeners back home will know that he is renowned for taking a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, and a cider drink, sometimes before entering the debating chamber.

Politicians are, obviously, they don't sort of think these things, these things through.

Liz Tross,

I mean, she

walked out to using the the Velvet Underground's heroine

because she sees herself as a heroine of the beleaguered free markets.

That's not entirely true, but

the fact that none of you corrected me suggests that you thought it stacked up.

So

it tells you everything you need to know.

I can see this going in.

I think we must have the technology now where AI can interpret everything a politician has ever said and done, what's in their latest manifestos, and tell them the song that they should walk out to.

Obviously, we might have a situation where Nigel Farage walks out to the sound of the Beatles singing, Get Back to Where You Once Belonged.

But I think, you know, that's a risk.

That's a risk we have to take.

I do worry about New Zealand politics, though, James.

Because, you know, things seem taken a sort of turn for the worse in the last few years.

If New Zealand can't get it right, there's no fing hope for anyone, is there?

Look, I think you just have to remember we are a three-hour flight away from everyone else.

We're the most isolated countries.

So inevitably it was going to go a little bit Lord of the Pigs, Lord of Flies.

Lord of the Pigs is a police drama, never mind.

I think that that is David Cameron's Secret Service code name now.

But yeah, always.

Family.

Family show.

Family showed yourself.

There is never any political drama in New Zealand that will not inevitably be solved with a rugby game.

It's just how blatantly insane we are.

So your Prime Minister now is Christopher Luxon.

Yes.

And well, this again shows what New Zealand politics descends to.

He is now picked a fight with dolphins.

Yes.

And again, isn't it wonderful that in a world of so many conflicts, there's old New Zealand fighting jumbowamba and dolphins and politics.

The chumbawamba of the sea.

This is a completely true story.

There was a sailing regatta down in Christchurch in New Zealand, and they had to call off the race because marine life had been spotted and the organizers of the race had agreed.

There's laws in New Zealand around environmental protection.

And a famous New Zealand yachty, Russell Coot, would go, oh, but these bloody dolphins, what are we going to do?

And the Prime Minister has weighed in saying that this is a sign of too much red tape and too much regulation because it's going to kill tourism if people can't watch these sailing events.

Apparently people don't mind if a dolphin dies on TV.

That's like a dolphin NATO is taking place.

But people are sort of confused about why this story sounds silly without realizing that in New Zealand, I think as of recording, there has been four days where the Prime Minister has been seriously talking about dolphins.

And they think that's f ⁇ ing normal.

Because they don't have nuclear weapons.

Red tape is such a weird phrase to use there because in this context, he's like, oh, there's too much red tape.

That just sounds like a euphemism for the intestines of a dolphin that was hit by a sailboat and disemboweled.

And it's like, it's not uncommon for conservative politicians to oppose environmental protections, but it's a little weird for them to have vendettas against individual animals.

I do think they should still have the little boat race despite the dolphins, but only if they add an equal number of orcas to the course.

You want to rumble?

Let's rumble.

Pick on someone your own size, sailboats.

Let's move on.

We are running a little bit out of time, so we might not be able to do all the wonderful stories we had lined up for you.

So, if there's any, there will be some stories we don't get around to.

So, if you leave your email addresses on the way out, we'll all email you the bits we would have done about those stories had my time management been a little bit better.

Then you can email us back with how much you think you would have laughed at them.

I'll forward all your emails onto each other, and then you can create an artificial memory of how those bits of the show would have gone.

And we could have done one of those bits in the bit that took me to explain that to you.

Anyway, so let's go on to more battles between humans and animals now, recurring theme on the bugle these days.

And well, this is teenagers versus goats.

Another bit of science, you people disgust me,

has analyzed what teenagers smell of.

And

apparently they have a unique body odour, different from, for example, babies.

And teenagers' body odour,

they've discovered the smells of sweat, urine, musk, and sandalwood.

I don't know which teenagers they were specifically using.

Sandalwood, I think, is what Jesus made his clogs from.

I think that's a slightly better joke than you're giving me it credit for.

They smell of musk.

I mean, that is the power of the man.

Not only wheedling his tech into every cranny of our lives, but he's now making our teenagers smell like him.

And then urine and sweat.

It's just possible that our teenagers are more nervous about the future that we are bequeathing to them and are therefore sweating nervously and pissing themselves.

But we don't know.

Is this Darwinism, do you think, James?

I don't know if anyone else has sort of story.

I think it's just really weird that they specifically went goat.

Like you've got it like who

like did they smell the goat and go oh it smells like a teenager teenager which is creepy

that was the first draft of the nirvana song actually um and then

uh josh uh so do we can we expect then that there to be sort of t-shirts coming out soon saying well this is what a goat smells like um that teenagers will be will be wearing

i do think there is a unique opportunity for merchandising here and it is goat deodorant

i think that's what we got to start producing but the problem is you you've got to make goats self-conscious about how they smell.

So,

until we get this product off the ground, and I think this is going to be easy for most of us, but very difficult for just a couple people, nobody goats.

What's the thing with a satirical comedy show like this?

You want to leave with a strong point that can change the world.

And

Solutions.

Too many people are afraid to say that kind of stuff, Josh.

But you go right to the whole thing.

Thank you.

So, Chris, can film me if you want.

I don't think people should have sex with ghosts.

Testify!

Well, thank you for listening.

Buglers do find more of Josh's and James's wonderful work online using your initiative, a reputable search engine, and ideally the correct spelling of their last names, G-O-N-D-E-L-M-A-N and N-O-K-I-S-E.

Next week's bugle will be from the final show of our live tour at the Lowry in Salford starring Alice Fraser and Tiffany Stevenson.

Also coming soon is another episode of Ask Andy, become a voluntary subscriber now for our universe exclusive show in which you ask me, i.e.

Andy, any question out of the, ooh, I would say 150 or so available in the world and I attempt to answer it or deflect it or reflect it.

We do have two more live shows in the relatively near future at the Leicester Square Theatre in London on the 7th and 8th of June.

Tickets available if you ask the right people in the right manner or just go on the internet and buy them.

Until next week, Buglers, goodbye.

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.