Australia - Ireland - USA - Classic Live Bugles

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, I'm Andy Zoltzmann.

This is Bugle issue 4291, sub-episode A for brackets, the Bugle is, brackets, about to go on a live tour.

So this week we celebrate the best of the Bugle Live.

Over the next 25 minutes or so, we will give you some of the greatest, funniest, satiriest bits of the Bugle Live that the universe has ever known.

Yes, we live in a world of exaggeration.

We are, as I said, about to embark on a UK tour.

Dates are online.

Also, about to come out of my face.

On the 1st of March, we are in Glasgow with Josie Long Live and Anuvab Powell via the wonders of the internet.

Anuvab also joins us for the third March show in Norwich.

We will have Felicity Ward Live.

Following that, we have shows on the 9th of March in Cambridge, the 10th of March in Birmingham, the 16th of March at the Warwick Art Centre, the 24th of March in Leeds, the 28th in Edinburgh, and the 30th at the Lowry in Salford with some of your all-time favourite Bugle co-hosts.

Details and ticket links via thebuglepodcast.com.

So for our best of the Bugle Live, let's start with our first ever live Bugle show.

Now we may very well be a global Satiricast, but we like to keep things local when we hit the road.

So here I am with Alice Fraser and Tom Ballard back in 2017 for Bugle issue 4026, imaginatively entitled Live in Australia.

We've had some phenomenal action in Australia of late.

Alice?

Yes, we have.

We've had this Easter egg mayhem on the Gold Coast, which is where they dumped some Easter eggs out of a helicopter onto a stadium full of children who then promptly attempted to kill themselves and each other.

But no one's telling which of the kids were anti-fascists, so we're not sure how to feel.

I mean, the important thing to remember is the real meaning of Easter, which is to train children for the brutal kill or be killed world.

We're about to leave them.

I think it's good.

This generation is getting too many messages that they're special precious flowers.

Nothing teaches you that you're below average, like an elbow to the nose from the parent of your school bully.

This was insane.

This was a helicopter, right, dropping 30,000 chocolate eggs onto a school oval.

15,000 people turned up to the event, and as soon as the drop came, they just flooded in and started elbowing.

Pregnant women and children were knocked over in the course of scrambling for the eggs.

Jesus was quoted as saying, Yes, this is exactly what I had in mind.

You have nailed my message, humans.

I mean, do the children know you can just buy chocolate eggs in the supermarket from like three days after Christmas and you don't have to slit the throat of your enemy in a fight to the death so you can smash some sickly sweet cadburies into your first world child face.

There was people filming the whole thing and you could hear the children screaming things like, stop pushing, I need to get out.

Why did they drop them all in one place?

And from one particularly well-informed nine-year-old, Mummy, why is the Easter bunny acting like Bashar al-Assad?

But in the spirit of the season, everyone who was knocked down did rise again three days later, so that was good.

One parent was quoted as saying, Fake news.

Fake news, people.

One parent was was quoted as saying, I think every kid went home disappointed.

This was the worst event I've ever been to, which is a real kick of the teeth to the crucifixion, I think.

But it was organized by a church.

Like a church organized this.

So they have all this money.

Should we give it to the poor in the spirit of the season?

No, no.

Let's get a f ⁇ ing helicopter and napalm chocolate on children.

That's insane.

People got really hurt.

Would you have got there?

Would you be taking your kids there, Andy, get involved

in the chocolate drop?

Well,

as a lapsed Jew with infidel children

who are in tonight, hello, infidels.

Well, I mean, chocolate eggs, theologically justified, of course, the chocolate egg.

Dates back to the very first Easter, the gospel according to St.

Alvin.

Jesus, you know, up there on the cross, getting a bit cranky with his dad.

Yak, yak, yak, bit of a barney.

And he thinks to himself, I'm Jesus Christ, I don't take this, I'm gonna miracle my way out of it.

But because of the heat and exhaustion and the dehydration, he wasn't quite on top of his game.

So instead of miracling himself a jetpack and a massive set of wings, he accidentally miracled his testicles into chocolate eggs.

And

that's why we eat Easter eggs to this day.

There you go.

I think it's fact on the bingo.

You can cross that one up, everyone.

Facts are there.

There was another phenomenal story, which I believe might represent not just the high point of Australia as a nation, but maybe the high point of the entire human civilization.

A man has

sued, was it some kind of park or something?

He ran into a wall.

So he was in an art gallery.

Oh, an art gallery.

Whilst indulging in a race against a virtual Kathy Freeman.

Yeah, he's suing the art gallery for not padding the wall.

He's also suing the Roadrunner movies for teaching him to believe that running into a wall full speed was, if anything, a temporary inconvenience.

And he's suing imaginary Kathy Freeman for luring him into the race.

It's science works, isn't it?

Yeah, science works, which is kind of an amazing place.

You should take your kids, actually.

It's like, yeah, you can find out about the magic of science works.

Why doesn't it run into all science?

Science does not work.

I think humanity should have learned that by now.

You hate Jesus and science?

Jesus.

I believe that the virtual Kathy Freeman is suing ScienceWorks for forcing her to race against the

something for everyone.

Sorry.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Sorry.

I've just got to

be that.

Brilliant.

One thing you cannot be faulted on, Zon, spend your timing.

Should I tell you my nonsense about domestic violence and Islam?

Why not, Tom?

I was just thinking, yeah, we're about 40.

We're about 40, what is it, 42 minutes into the show?

It's domestic violence and Islam time.

First rule of comedy.

You start with your strongest, your second strongest joke, finish with the strongest joke, and after 42 minutes, you do stuff about domestic violence.

Sounds good to me.

Well, this week, the Australian Media was in outrage.

A Facebook video showing members of an extreme Islamic group

seemed to be excusing domestic violence under Islamic law.

It was a video that features members of the Australian women's branch of Hizabud Tariya.

Fizabud Tariya, I don't even know her.

I stand by that.

The woman in the video claimed that Islam condones a symbolic version of domestic violence in which a man may hit his wife with a small stick or twisted scarf so as not to cause her pain.

Turns out someone swapped their Quran for 50 shades of grey, I believe.

Members of the government condemn the video in the strongest of terms, calling it abhorrent.

Minister for Women Michael E.

Cash said that in Australia there is no place for violence against women.

Okay, that sort of thing happens in offshore detention centers.

Men should never hit women except in the designated areas.

Oh, not laughing because it's true.

Okay.

Hizaboth Tariya have since rejected any notion they

endorse domestic violence, describing it as an abomination

that Islam rejects in the strongest of terms.

That of course all these people are saying that it should be condemned by moderate Muslims.

As you know, there are three types of Muslims, moderate, medium, and spicy.

And

of course, lots of people in the Muslim community did condemn the video, but we just like them to do it like slower and sexier for us and like put on a little sexy costume.

Condemn it harder, daddy.

And

that was an old Dolly Parton song.

Truth is, white Australians have been releasing videos claiming that women are inferior to men for years on almost a weekly basis.

It's called the footy show.

And

you gotta tune in.

Of course, not all Muslims are perfect.

One of them was in One Direction.

And

I mean.

That was the first One Direction joke in the history of the bugle.

So there we are.

Tomb.

That's what happens when you book someone who's under the age of 30.

It'll never happen again.

I apologise.

I'll do more dolly piece.

Yes.

Remember the demographic.

I want aging country music fans.

That's where the money is.

Right.

Moving back across the hemispheres now to our first live show in Dublin in Ireland.

I was joined on stage by Alice Fraser and David O'Doherty, as well as producer Chris, who had attempted to get to Ireland on a child's passport.

I mean in mitigation it was his own child's passport.

It wasn't just a random child's passport that he'd stolen.

Anyway, I'll ask him about it someday.

Anyway here we are with David O'Doherty's official guide to Ireland.

Ireland was founded by footballer Stephen Ireland in 3000 BC.

Ireland's indigenous people were the leprechauns or Lapretians

as nobody has ever called them but they died out tragically owing to the fact that they were all male

and never existed.

Nothing kills a people off quicker than never having actually existed.

Your next major character in Irish history, Andy, is St.

Patrick, the patron saint of strangers, taking his shit behind the wheelie bin in your front garden.

And that is how he is commemorated for one day around the world.

St.

Patrick got rid of all the snakes, and so thorough was he he got rid of any archaeological evidence that there might ever have been snakes on the island.

Around the first millennium saw the arrival of the Vikings.

And they're so unlike any Scandinavian people I've ever met today, it's like one day they must have woken up and gone, hey, you know, let's not rape in peelage anymore, let's invent social democracy and Ikea and Lego and aha.

Then nothing happened in Irish history for 600 years till the arrival of Oliver Cromwell in 1649 and he

absolutely wrecked the place.

Although seen as a modernizer in Britain, still seen as that today, in Ireland he is seen as a genocidal f head.

Potato, potato,

Who caused a population drop-off that some expert put as high as 83%!

83% of the Irish population!

Thanks, Cromwell, you barrel of rancid wangers.

Excuse me if I occasionally visit the British House of Parliament, where there is a statue of you to take a shit just in front of it.

Cromwell was eventually defeated by Connor McGregor at the Battle of Crumblin

in in 18 proper 12

with his rallying cry, you'll do nothing, you f ⁇ ing prick.

But MacGregor was in turn defeated by Queen Victoria at a bout in Las Vegas where he had motivated her by criticising her family, her nation and her religion.

Queen Victoria loved Ireland and left us with her greatest legacy, the shop Victoria's Secret on Grafton Street.

Short for Victoria's Secret was that she wished she'd done more to prevent the Irish famine 1845 to 1849.

This is like shooting fish in a barrel in front of these people.

Ireland has always loved a craze, from lion dancing to yo-yos, from Tamagotchis to Catholicism.

But they tend to come and go.

They say you only play this town twice in your career, said the Pope in Dublin on his recent visit.

Once on the way up,

it's great to be back.

And the 11 people in the crowd jiggled their rosary beads and shook their little bags.

Although nominally a republic, Ireland is still a mystical place ruled over by Enya.

I've never met Enya, but apparently you can recreate the feeling of meeting her if you put your peen/slash lady peen in a Dyson airblade.

If you feel something crazy in the air listening to this podcast, that's Irish presidential election mania.

For some reason, a reason nobody can quite remember, Ireland has a Taoiseach or Prime Minister and a President.

The President is a non-political role, the idea of which is that you do the gigs the Prime Minister doesn't have time to do, such as shaking hands at the rugby and apologising for institutional atrocities the Prime Minister has committed.

The runners and riders have assembled for this once every seven years event, and what a group.

There's the incumbent Michael D.

Higgins.

A tiny wizard poet who negotiated the tricky events of the last seven years with a plom.

He hosted the Queen's first ever visit to Ireland without giving her a wedgie

and commemorated the centena of the 1916 rising without mentioning that he'd love to give the Queen a wedgie.

Job done.

So he should get to do it for another seven years, and everyone wants him to, with the exception of five people.

The five other candidates who are running for his job.

There's no reason to mention the other candidates because you'll never hear of any of them again.

Suffice to say that most of them, three out of five, have been dragons on Ireland's Dragon's Den

and they look like they're only running for president for a prank they lost with one of the lads at the golf club.

The other two are ladies and they hate science.

Michael D.

Higgins will definitely win and he'll have another sweet seven years in front of him where his main job will be to commemorate the centenary of the War of Independence in 2019 without giving the Queen a wedgie,

and the centenary of the Civil War in 2022, without saying he wants to give Michael Collins slash Eamon De Valera a wedgie.

See, it's 100 years, and we're still not over it.

Oh, Ireland.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed that bit.

Whatever you're doing now, remember to go to the Bugle website to buy your tickets for the forthcoming live tour.

I did mention that earlier on, I think.

I didn't if you skipped the intro, but I'm mentioning it now amongst the guests we will have on tour, live or via the wonders of the internet, include Neil Delamere, Nato Green, Josh Gondraman, Rhea Lena, James Nikise, and of course the wonderful Alice Fraser.

We also have a couple of live shows in London in June at the Leicester Square Theatre, including Nato Green live in London for the first time, and Nish Kumar as well.

Back to the best of the Bugle live now and our tour of the USA in 2019, which featured a fantastic debut appearance at our Brooklyn show by Josh Gondelman.

Alongside Alice Fraser, he and I tried to explain some American news, including why President Trump was meeting Kim Jong-un.

Happy days.

Let's move on to American News Now.

Josh, you're your president, your spiritual leader, your guru and your personal inspiration, Donald Trump, is, well, he's making a peaceful world right now.

He's meeting Kim in a new summit.

You excited about that?

I think the fewer people he's talking to at one time, the better.

So like as long as he's talking to Kim one-on-one, he's not tweeting, he's not watching Fox News.

There's only so many bad ideas that he could be both thrusting into the world and being pummeled with himself.

So I guess I'm for it.

I think anytime he can be in, the fewer people in a room with him, the better.

That's an interesting way of looking at it.

Yeah.

Alice, how's the,

is there much excitement about the summit back in London?

I mean, people are pretty thrilled.

Trump's gone out to meet Kim Jong-un to swap hair tips and bitch about why no one really gets them.

He tweeted about his his relationship with Kim Jong-un and he spoke about it, saying, It's a very interesting thing to say, but I've developed a very, very good relationship.

We'll see what that means, but he's never had a relationship with anyone from this country and hasn't had lots of relationships anywhere.

He reiterated that he was in no rush to press for North Korea's denuclearization.

He said, I don't want to rush anyone.

I just don't want testing.

As long as there's no testing, we're happy.

And he said, carrying on, that Kim Jong-un said, if we trust him, we definitely don't need to use protection.

Family show family show on a family show

I feel like Trump has never had an STD test

I Do I feel like he's just like that's the lady's responsibility like for sure

That's his stance Has he had any test?

No

Not in school, not at the doctor, not of his own physical strength.

Just his dicky little ankle that got him out of Vietnam.

Perhaps the most exciting element of this summit is that Vietnam has deported a Kim Jong-un impersonator.

Or, if you will, a Kim personator.

I will.

had staged

a chap called Howard X from Hong Kong had staged a fake summit with Russell White, who is a professional Trump pressionist from America.

Do you not think this is the way forward for all global politics?

Because you know, people vote for these sort of figureheads, but they're generally massive.

And

if you replace them with someone who looks like them, so we think like that sort of they might actually get something.

I think this is the future of the future of democracy, to be honest.

Is deporting impressionists?

Well,

say we give it a shot with Alec Baldwin, see what sticks.

The wall, Josh.

Yeah.

I mean, I was here back in 2016.

There was a lot of talk about

Mexico building the wall and paying every penny of it.

I mean, I think it's fair to say it hasn't entirely panned out that way.

I don't think so.

I will say

Mexico has paid for all of the wall that's been built.

That's one way to look at it, right?

No wall, no payment.

I feel like he's kept his promise.

He's winning politics by dividing by zero.

Any thoughts on the election next year, Josh?

On the election?

Oh, the 2020 election?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm honestly kind of looking forward to no...

People make a big deal out of how many candidates are now in the Democratic primary, but I'm really looking forward to no Republican primary.

That's the upside, right?

Is like it's just going to be Trump.

Like, if Ben Sasse tries to run against him, he'll just be like, no.

And then all the other Republicans will be like, he said no, it's got to be no.

So

there's not going to be a Republican primary.

So at least the spectrum is going to be like, hey, maybe we help some people get health care.

To like, let's help everybody get health care.

Whereas when there's a Republican primary, it's like, how many people can I inject with the syringe I found on the street?

I'm rich.

Legally, I should be allowed to stab.

Market forces.

Yeah.

That's what I call my syringe.

There's some very exciting New York news.

As you may have heard,

New York

has been forced to return $5.3 million to the government after admitting to fraudulently billing damage charges after Hurricane Sandy, the 2012 celebrity storm that clocked up a $71 billion tab after getting wind crazy all over the East Coast, including a whopping $32 billion after a crazy night out in New York.

Apparently, the city falsely claimed that 132 Department of Transportation vehicles were damaged, when in fact they weren't.

Many of them had already been taken out of service.

But I mean,

this is just how economics works, isn't it?

This is just getting creative, Josh.

Yeah, just moving numbers.

It's also an incredibly like New Yorkers love to brag about how much they suffer on a daily basis.

So this is the most New York thing imaginable.

Just like, Hurricane Sandy, oh, yeah, it ruined every car.

FEMA came, they said it made Katrina look like a chihuahua pissing in a ficus.

Greatest city in the world.

Yeah, New York is the city that never sleeps because it stole a bunch of money and has an uneasy conscience.

Also it stole its roommates Adderall.

The U.S.

attorney Jeffrey Berman said when people lie to FEMA about the cause of property damage in order to reap a windfall, it compromises our ability to provide financial assistance.

And then he followed up with, I probably shouldn't have said windfall.

what a disaster.

I mean, sorry.

I am devastated by a tornado of regret.

I mean, blow me down, let's wash that from the record.

Oh boy, wasn't that just the biggest Freudian property damage and loss of lives?

Alice Freedom.

There you go.

That concludes your best of the Bugle Live show.

To see how good the Bugle Live is now, come to those shows in March.

All of them.

1st of March, Glasgow, 3rd, Norwich, 9th, Cambridge, 10th, Birmingham, 16th, Warwick Art Centre, 24th Leeds, 28th Edinburgh, and the 30th of March at the Lowry in Salford.

And London on the 7th and 8th of June.

Go to thebuglepodcast.com to buy your live tickets to subscribe to the show and indulge in all the wondrous offerings from the Bugle Stable.

Until next week, when we will have a regular Bugle featuring Josh Gondraman, goodbye!

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.