The Early Naughties are Back!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4279 of the world's last remaining fully illustrated weekly transcript of everything that's been said and done on the solar system's most popular, populous and poptacular planet, Earth, that is.

Actually, I haven't checked the latest rankings, you might have slipped back down again.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, and today, in what remains a tricky time for this planet, I'm joined by two voices of wisdom and reason in a universe where both of those qualities are in very short supply.

From a stone's throw away, if you can throw a stone two and a bit miles, it's Nish Kumar.

And from a catapulted badger's flight away, if you've got the right catapult, a correctly greased badger, and get lucky with the Gulfstream headwinds in Brooklyn, it's Hari Kondobolu.

Hello, both of you.

Hey, hey, Andy.

Hey, Nish.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Hurry.

Hello, Buglers.

Grease Broadger was your wrestling night, wasn't it?

It wasn't.

Very successful, I was

in those days.

How are you both?

How dare you ask me that?

To be honest.

How dare you?

It is about time someone responded to that kind of question with that kind of answer.

I'm just so sick of it.

I was at a coffee shop recently and the barista, he asked me, hey, how you doing?

And I decided to answer honestly, don't do that.

You cannot.

It is very hard to recover and

the person has to ask you what you want to order.

And the whole thing's a mess.

And the people behind you are freaked out.

It's just...

Say fine and get your latte and move on.

Yeah, I mean, it's been a bit a pretty shit October.

What is this October rate you think in shittest ever Octobers?

It's going to be right up there.

It's not going to go down in history as one of our better Octobers.

That's what I would say.

I think

when the history books are written and then immediately burned for warmth during the road war, they will not be kind about the month of October in the year of our Lord 2023.

Well, luckily then, we are bidding October 2023 a hearty f ⁇ off because we are recording on the 30th of October.

By the time you listen to this, it may very well be November 2023.

We are recording,

well, of course, tomorrow, the 31st of October 2023, will be the 2007th anniversary of when a teenage Jesus miracled a pumpkin into a lampshade and temporarily turned his mate John into a sexy vampire.

On the 1st of November 1512, truly momentous day, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was exhibited to the public for the first time.

Michelangelo's famous piece of DIY.

Reactions and reviews on social media at the time, well, it's fair to say, were mixed as reactions on social media tend to be.

They included more cocks and balls than I was expecting from the ceiling.

Another person wrote, I've heard it's good, but I haven't seen it yet.

Classic social media reaction.

Someone else wrote, absolute rubbish, the way they used to do ceilings was way better.

Again, these things just don't change through time.

Another comment was, why do modern artists insist on painting people how they actually look these days?

What's wrong with painting simplified, stylized versions of the human face and form?

Pretentious, elitist, and above all, woke, one star.

Again, just classic from social media.

Another person wrote, I'm going to fing kill you, Michelangelo, you fing f ⁇ .

Something's never changed.

And

another response was, do you like betting?

If you want the best odds on how many people will die in the next cholera outbreak in Rome, click here.

So we'd like to think that civilization progresses, but maybe it doesn't.

As a special treat, a bonus extra at the end of today's show, we will play you the full story of how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel, how he replied with an emphatic that I can do to Pope Julius II's question, can you paint that ceiling bud?

As revealed exclusively way back in issue 34 of the bugle.

So a bonus blast from the past at the end of today's show.

Is that Mickey Paintbrush by any chance?

It is, yes.

Issue 34 is quite early on.

That takes me back to listening to the bugle in the toilet at one of my temp jobs.

That's the best way to listen to it.

It's the recommended setting.

Getting paid £9 an hour and taking a dump whilst listening to Soltzman.

Taking a shit, hearing some shit.

It's good.

Well, as always, a section of this podcast is going straight in the bin this week.

Well, a Halloween section.

As I mentioned, this is the anniversary of that famous day in the young Jesus's career.

We have some Halloween facts for you.

Halloween fact one, statistically, you're actually no more likely to be haunted on the 31st of October than any other day of the year these days.

But the reason Halloween became associated with ghostly behavior and hauntings was because the ghosting year traditionally ended on the 31st of October and ghosts with unused quotas of hauntings would splurge in the last couple of days, a couple of days of the ghosting year.

However, the International Association of Spectres, Ghouls, and Spookery introduced new measures in the early 19th century in an attempt to spread hauntings more evenly through the year.

I think I did something with something similar with car number plates in this country at one point.

The first known example of a ghost haunting someone on the 31st of October was the spectre of an old woman called Enid, who accidentally haunted her friend Brian in the 1700s after getting confused with some paperwork on the other side, hence the term Halloween,

as Brian thought.

She was

like I'm right back in that office toilet, Andy.

But the thing is, when you're on the toilet, it's at least a relief, Nish.

But the only difference is back then, I was avoiding doing my job, and now somehow, in the intervening 13-odd years, this has moved into my being my job.

And finally, why pumpkins?

Why pumpkins become associated with Halloween?

Well, apart from that, Jesus incidents, it's because Roman Emperor Stroptococculus Impertinax attempted to get the troubled Roman economy back on track on the 30th of October in the year 372 by replacing all coins with pumpkins.

After the people of Rome found the new currency would not fit into the pockets of their togas, there were riots which resulted in Stroptococculus fleeing the city in disguise, dressed as a zombie bride.

Romans then used their now worthless pumpkins as candle holders, hence the term burning through money.

Those are your Halloween facts in this week's section in the bin.

That Jesus incident was the working title of the New Testament, wasn't it?

I thought it was 12.

I'm back in the toilet.

That is a long callback.

That was actually in Top Stories last week.

I put that episode out.

Oh, there we go.

Well,

small world.

I consider myself

a key archivist of the bugle.

I consider my role to be making long callbacks to things that I heard 13 years ago when I should have been doing some admin for Hammersmith Council.

Is that why that bridge is still?

It's been close for our five years now.

I was shocked by the fact you like to be an archivist that means you actually have to listen to the show, right?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, yes.

We can return to the other key riff that Hari Kondomolu does not and has never and will never listen to the bugle.

Not interested, too nooozy.

Feckle, feckle.

It's not for everyone, Harry.

It's no shame in that.

Definitely not for me.

We don't try and be for everyone.

Occasionally, we don't try and be for anyone.

And that's when we dominate.

You've heard of something for everyone.

This is nothing for everyone.

That is true democracy.

Top story this week.

Well, the world is still pretty fed.

There's no real way of sugarcoating this, even by the pitiful standards of this irredeemably idiotic millennium.

These last few weeks have pushed the boundaries of bleakness for everyone who clings to the romantic idea that at some point in our existence, humanity will stop working against our own self-interest.

But that point has not yet come.

If you want a reliable update on the Middle East situation, A, I sincerely hope you're not listening to this show in expectation of that.

And B, good luck.

It's well, Hari, what's the

well, we've not had anyone from America on, I think,

since

the war started.

What's been the reaction stateside?

I mean, I think a lot of Americans

are supporting Israel.

And, you know, initially, I did too.

And you have to understand the kind of news coverage that we're getting of what happened.

I mean, the video we were all shown of what happened on October 7th, the Hamas attack, it was just jarring.

Like people storming through heavily fortified walls, killing people in the most brutal, animalistic ways, all of them being led by some man named the Night King, who was attempting to destroy humanity with the undead.

Really compelling stuff.

So, of course, with that biased video, of course, we all supported Israel.

That's a Game of Thrones joke.

You guys remember Game of Thrones?

It was a TV series about British history.

I just think they got some of the key facts wrong in it.

I thought.

Unfortunately, Harry, you're talking to two men, one of whom has not watched Game of Thrones, in spite of everything about his vibe and let's not be around the bush body type, and another man who

literally only watches cricket.

So half the audience is going to be

confused and the other half offended.

So I got both targets.

The funniest thing about that is like

I was obviously joking because Americans don't follow the news and

they have no perspective on it.

I'm sure there were tons of people last night who went, oh no, Matthew Perry died.

First Gaza and now this.

Nish, it's, I mean, it's,

I think probably been the, in the 20 plus years I've been doing comedy, I can't remember finding things harder than the last the last few weeks.

Have you found that

as well?

It's been very difficult.

And I think that the presence of social media doesn't help things.

And it's very important that we continue to stress that you have to be critical about the information you receive, especially on the website formerly lined as Twitter, given that a man bought it because everyone was calling him a flat-faced anus and then fired all the content moderators.

So you have to remember, you have to engage with that information critically.

I also keep reading things saying, you know, the most important thing is you must not remain silent on this issue.

Silence is complicity.

Silence is complicity.

You can't remain silent on this issue.

And I started to think, you know what, maybe silence is complicity.

Maybe you can't be silent on this issue.

And then I saw a man on British morning television television called Richard Madeley interview a Liberal Democrat MP called Leila Moran.

Now, she's a British politician who has family in Gaza, and she did what I think we would all agree was quite a brave thing, which was to go on the news and humanise some of the people that are being dehumanised most routinely in the media, namely members of her family that are caught in Gaza.

And she was asked by Richard Madley, did any of your family know that the Hamas attack was going to happen?

And when Richard Madeley said that, I thought, you know what?

Some people need to shut the f ⁇ up.

Sometimes silence is not complicity.

It is merely an accurate appraisal of the complexity of events relative to your own intellectual inadequacy.

It says everything about the British media that Richard Madeley, who's a journalist, a word I'm using incorrectly, is allowed to opine on this subject.

And I asked my friend who died and allowed Madeley to have an opinion.

And my friend reminded me that technically the person I'm referring to is Piers Morgan because he had that job before Richard Madeley before he had to leave it after he saw a picture of a black woman and went mentally ill.

But

saying that Richard Madeley is preferable to Piers Morgan is a bit like saying, well, technically I'd rather have Salmonella than E.

coli.

They are both evidence of a

fundamental problem that cuts to the very heart of our media.

And it's very much a case of between Piers Morgan and Richard Madley.

For American listeners, if you're wondering, is one better than the other?

It's very much a Sophie's choice, but you want both the kids to die.

One of the

big arguments of the last week has been Israel versus the United Nations.

And the the United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres, who I think is now 1% human being, 99% sad face emoji.

He's

found himself at loggerheads with Israel.

Israel called on him to resign, saying that his words had constituted a justification for terrorism and murder.

This was after Guterres said that the Hamas attacks did not happen in a vacuum and referred to the suffocating occupation of Palestine.

To put this in context,

was Guterres justifying terrorism and murder?

Let's look at some of the other things he's said over the last three weeks.

On the 7th of October, the day of the attacks, he condemned in the strongest possible terms this morning's attacks by Hamas.

On the 9th of October, he said, Let me begin by repeating my utter condemnation of the abhorrent attacks by Hamas.

Nothing can justify these acts of terror, killing, maiming, and abduction of civilians.

I reiterate my call immediately to cease these attacks and release all hostages.

He also said on the 9th of October, Israel must see its legitimate need for security materialized.

On the 13th, he referred to the horrific terror attacks by Hamas and called on all leaders to speak out against

anti-Semitism.

On the 21st of October, he said nothing can justify the reprehensible assault by Hamas.

On the 24th of October, he said, I've unequivocally condemned the horrifying and unprecedented acts of terror by Hamas.

In Israel, nothing can justify the deliberate killing, injuring, and kidnapping of civilians.

So was he justifying Hamas's attacks?

That's, I mean, reading between the lines of all those comments, was he actually, did he have his fingers crossed for all of those comments?

You have to remember in these kind of instances, the current Israeli administration, which lest we forget, has faced huge amounts of opposition from the Israeli people, with massive protests staged throughout the last year.

You have to remember that what they're trying to do is trying to shift focus away from their own responsibility that they bear in these attacks.

And there are critical op-ed pieces written in Israeli newspapers about Netanyahu and were their security oversights.

But you have to understand, security, even though Benjamin Netanyahu refers to himself as Mr.

Security, you have to understand that was simply not his priority.

His priority was changing the law so crime is legal if your name is B.

Netanyahu.

He just had different priorities, guys.

Can we give Benny and the Nets a break?

I'm a little confused about the idea of the UN chief asking Hamas to release the hostages.

Like, what do you think Hamas is going to say?

You know, they're going to say, we're Hamas.

What don't you understand?

I mean, like, governments won't listen to you, but you think Hamas will?

Like, your charter says you are supposed to prevent wars.

Or the original Hamas charter says it's going to destroy Israel.

Only one of you is really trying to do your jobs.

It is interesting because there is starting to to be a kind of familiar feeling in my stomach about all of this.

What happened on October the 7th was an appalling attack and

Israel as a nation was rightly reeling from that and it reminds me of America post 9-11.

But what we learn from America post-9-11 is that collective punishment of people doesn't work and the movements towards a full war really starting to give me a sinking feeling in my stomach.

The same feeling I get when I see young people wearing jeans that drag in the dirt, or when I read an article in the New York Times that says Limp Biscuit is blowing up with tweens on TikTok.

They're bringing back all the worst things from the early 2000s.

Low-rise jeans, new metal, and the war on terror.

Why have we picked the three worst bits of that era to bring back?

Why can't we just listen to Hey Yah and watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy back to back?

There was good stuff that happened that we should be reprising.

What's wrong with listening to the First Strokes album again?

The conditions in Gaza have been described as being like the Middle Ages, which of course is what we voted for in the Brexit referendum in the United Kingdom.

We're still waiting, but only other parts of the world have got that before us, maybe not in an ideal way.

But I think the whole thing has shown maybe that the world...

It's reminded us that the world maybe has got less good at multitasking, I think, because I think it is...

possible to condemn some actions

whilst also not justifying whatever the other team does.

I think as a species we should have that skill.

It's like if you're a literature fan, the way the reaction the way that a lot of the reactions have been, if you take, you know, say something is unacceptable, people then accuse you of justifying something else.

It's like saying that you like Shakespeare and then your English teacher saying to you, what?

So you think Jane Austen is a proven witch who deserved to die?

That's not how

that's not necessarily how it needs to work, I think.

Yeah,

it's been a kind of real festival of holding communities accountable for things that they have absolutely nothing to do with.

We're seeing awful outbreaks of anti-Semitism in parts of Russia,

awful instances of Islamophobia.

And I really strongly believe that one thing you always have to state is that none of this is an excuse for prejudice against any community.

You can't hold a community responsible for its worst elements, apart from white people with dreadlocks.

That is the only thing.

I want every white person to apologize for the existence of white people with dreadlocks.

Otherwise, there is absolutely no excuse in any other area.

You could have said something.

You were hanging out.

You could have said this is a bad idea.

You could have said, wash your hair.

A lot of things you could have said.

You could have said, this is not what Bob Marley would have wanted.

There's a lot of things you could have said.

Stay quiet.

There's a lot of times in situations like this where there are huge moral grey areas, and sometimes it's unhelpful to call one group of people bad people and another group of people good people.

But then there are other people who you just think, oh no, you're just flat out.

I just want to briefly draw everyone's attention to some of the people who have looked at this absolutely appalling situation and not seen a humanitarian crisis, but have instead seen a commercial opportunity.

Analysts from Morgan Stanley and TD Bank have taken note of potential profit making during the escalation in conflict, right?

And everyone listening, I do just want you to have a sick bag at the ready when you hear

some of the stuff that's been said here.

TD Cowan's Kai von Ruhmer, who's the managing director and senior research analyst specializing in the aerospace industry, said on an earnings call on the 25th of October, Hamas has created additional demand.

And people are not focusing enough.

They're getting distracted by calling Hamas brutal murdering terrorists.

And they're forgetting what enormous wealth creators they are.

Truly, Hamas,

they're like Warren Buffett.

It's absolutely unbelievable.

We've really not talked about this.

It's really astonishing.

Morgan Stanley's head of aerospace and defense equity research, Christine Lewag, took a similar approach during a 24th of October earnings call and referred to the situation as being an opportunity.

And you know what?

We always think about war as a negative thing, and maybe we should start referring to it as the opportunity.

Man, there's a lot of opportunity happening in Ukraine right now.

Oh boy, I can't wait to get back to studying for my history exam on the second world opportunity.

Once I finish studying, I'm going to kick back and relax with my favorite film trilogy, Star Opportunity.

I mean,

are you telling me that there wasn't a Hollywood agent somewhere who was like, is Hamas signed by anybody?

They are

everywhere right now.

I mean, I remember when I missed out on ISIS.

I mean, and a lot of their stuff self-produced.

I get it, but like,

wow, this is the time if you're going to get them.

It's funny reading something and feeling that you're looking into a total moral vacuum.

Britain news now and, well, huge celebrations across the country over the last week, Nish, to commemorate one year of Rishi Sunak as Prime Minister.

I'll just go through all the achievements of the little fellow since he took over as the interim Prime Minister in the aftershight of Boris Johnson and Liz Truss.

There you go.

I mean, how would you assess his first year, year in which he's basically captured voters' imagination like a baby penguin captures a polar bear in a pair of fishnet stockings?

In other words, not at all.

And he's gone about it in a quite weird and unsettling way.

That is vintage Saltzman.

Thank you.

Here's what I would say to Rishi Sunak.

I truly when he was elected and everybody said this is historic, you must feel great about this because this is representation for you.

I was dubious, but now I truly see myself represented in Rishi Sunak.

As I look at an untalented, over-promoted British Indian man struggle to connect with the British public, I think, yes, at last I can see myself in our Prime Minister.

True

brown male mediocrity has finally risen.

Oh, hurry, Rishi and I yearn for mediocrity.

Mediocrity would be a huge win for me and the Sunak Meister.

He has, yeah, he's indulged the

hard right of his party, culminating in a couple of weeks ago when he was asked point blank and said that he would not oppose Nigel Farage rejoining the Conservative Party.

And I would say that one of his absolute low points is his politicization of the climate policies that sort of by and large we've managed to avoid in this country.

But Sunak has really

he's really gone out of his way to try and politicize that issue and also trying to make it into a thing where it's like, well, it's going to cost ordinary people money if we do this, which obviously is bollocks.

He's sort of even threatened to reopen a coal mine.

I think I've said this before on the bugle, but it's worth restating.

In 2023, the only conceivable excuse for opening a coal mine is if you're planning to immediately shut it again to stimulate boys' interest in ballet in the local area.

That, as far as I can tell, is the only point of the matter.

I mean, the strange thing with the environmental angle, and he's got

the King's speech coming next week for the reopening of Parliament, in which he's supposedly going to double down on his anti-environment policies, is that a vast majority of people are quite in favour of fixing the environment.

So it's a kind of weird electoral gambit.

It might explain why in the recent by-elections last week the Conservatives,

I think in technical,

is the word cephalical terms, had their asses handed to them on a series of plates.

They were...

They lost two vast majorities with some of the biggest swings ever seen in British by-elections.

Insiders in the Tory Party described the results as, quotes, like being hit by a truckload of German sausage and cheese.

sorry a worst case uh scenario

um

the problem for sunak is that the conservatives broadly and this yeah it's happened under his watch obviously happened before has lost support amongst amongst a number of key demographic voter groups these include brexit supporting voters brexit opposing voters the young the old the neither young nor old the unborn the already dead men women other people gardening fans that's got to hurt olympic highboard diving enthusiasts vegetarians zoroastrians who i think are people who only eat fictional Mexican Californian food.

Dogs, cats, beekeepers, wicket keepers, people with kidneys, acrobats, Nishkumar fans, and most worryingly of all, conservatives.

Now, obviously, there's some crossover with all those groups, but they seem to be struggling with all of them

at the moment.

I'm not sure that given the last two groups you named were conservative voters and Nishkumar fans,

there's a huge crossover in those two sections.

What's super interesting to me about this upcoming King speech is obviously it's going to be, it's the state opening of parliament and for buglers outside of the country it is

weird and we know it's fing weird that in order for our democratic processes to begin

a man in a gold hat has to read a letter but the thing that makes it particularly interesting this year is the let the speech is written by the government and then delivered by the king but uh in terms of doubling down on anti-net zero policies one of the British people that is very much in favour of acting on the climate crisis is the king.

So we might be in this absolutely bizarre situation.

I don't know what's going to happen.

Is King Charles going to start doing air quotes around some of the net zero policies to suggest sarcasm?

Are they going to try and get him to lip-sync it to

avoid any improvisation on the fly?

If so, are we going to end up with a sort of regal milly-vam-milly situation?

There is a fascinating situation that is about to come to a head.

And as with most situations in Britain, it still somehow involves some dude in a gold hat.

You guys are talking about British politics, so I tuned out a while ago.

You guys talking about that Colin Firth movie?

Is that what we're talking about?

That's a while ago, fellas.

Sunak did say that his government has achieved a lot in his first year.

And I do give him a, you know, I can cut him a bit of slack for that.

Because, I mean, what could he have said?

I mean, he can't come out and say, my government has done very slightly less shitly.

I couldn't have said, well, we've achieved nothing, which is, to be fair, a vast improvement on my two immediate predecessors.

I mean, clearly a tough geek for him taking over, and I don't think he's played it very well.

It's like being a daughter-to-door hairdresser for a struggling daughter-to-door hairdressing business, but then turning up with one pair of scissors sticking out of your forehead and another rammed into your ear, blood running down your face, and a squirrel's tail gaffer tape to your scalp, knocking on someone's door saying, can I interest you in a haircut?

It's a tough sell.

So like being a snooker player tucked in behind the green, needing a three-cushion escape shot to hit the last red, 50 points down in the frame.

So needing snookers anyway, he chalks the queue, he takes a deep breath, he reaches into his waistcoat pocket, he pulls out an iguana, plonks it on the table and says, run, my pretty, run.

And that is essentially the situation that our Prime Minister has been in.

That is the essence of Andy Zaltzman.

Given the,

there is a substantial listenership to this podcast from outside the United Kingdom.

And yet, when we move on to a section about specifics on United Kingdom politics, instead of trying to open it out, he doubles down and tries to explain things with a snooker metaphor.

I like to think of it as educational, Nish.

I mean, to be honest, a bunch of our listeners are Anglophiles.

They love this shit.

It gives them a secret wisdom that

makes them feel better than other people.

I've met these people after shows.

I know what they're about.

They like puns.

They like puns.

Science news now and Boffin's scientists.

How do you tell the difference?

I don't know.

Have created the world's world's, and quite possibly the universe's first recorded nanophotonic electron accelerator, which is great news if, like me, you've been waiting for the right electron accelerator for you.

Specifically, you're waiting for a nanophotonic option.

Nish, I know you are an expert, are you not in nanophotonics?

Yes, big expert in nanophotonics.

Yeah, yes.

Harry, how are you with nanophotonics?

Are you big into that as well?

I'll be honest.

I've been wanting to buy a

Hadron Collider for such a long time.

And this is why...

You don't buy the thing when it first comes out.

You just wait long enough.

And now all of a sudden, we got this nanophonics thing.

This is easy to transport.

You can bring it on a road trip, you know, without having to strap it to the hood.

I mean, this is this is why you wait, you gotta wait it out.

So, I'm pretty excited about that.

I don't know what it does, but I'm pretty excited about the possibilities.

The portability.

I spent, I would say, 25 minutes trying to write jokes on this subject.

Uh, and unfortunately, I couldn't understand a single word of the articles about it.

I wrote that

genuinely was indecipherable.

And Google, Google Translate, as yet, does not have an option to translate into moron.

There are so many science words, Nicholas.

There are so many science words.

I don't even know what they were talking about.

But I saw Oppenheimer.

Let me try and explain it for you, Ignoramus.

What it does, this nanophotonic electron accelerator.

Ignorami, Andrew.

Yeah.

It blasts negatively charged particles.

They're the particles that cause all forms of negativity around the world, including general cynicism, the Republican Party and English rugby.

It blasts them with mini laser pulses, which are the cutest little laser pulses you will ever see.

And the whole device is the size of a coin.

It's 54 million times smaller than the Large Hadron Collider.

Obviously, I don't want to side-shame any particle accelerators, large or non-large, but this is, frankly, nanophotonically titchy.

So these are hugely...

exciting times because the Large Hadron Collider has discovered a range of very exciting new particles that I'll just talk you through.

Has been blasting particles acceleratedly through its 27-kilometre-long funk tube under the Switzerlandio-French border for some time now.

And it's discovered the Higgs boson or god particle.

They're now hoping to collect enough Higgs bosons to build a new god to sort the f ⁇ ing shit out that the old ones have left behind.

Maybe, hopefully, this one will be a little bit less cranky, vengeful, and homophobic.

It's discovered...

It's discovered particles called ghostly neutrinos, which are special Halloween particles that haunt the other particles and make them behave weirdly.

It's discovered the charm meson, which is a seductive particle that simply oozes charisma and makes the other particles frisky, causing some particles to split up from themselves, creating energy.

And the Mysterious X particle, formerly the Twitter particle, of course.

Mysterious X was my name in my formative years, formative years in the 1980s hip-hop circuit.

And of course, the Mysterious X particle is used in the manufacture of the Mausder MX-5 sports car.

They use five such particles in each car, one in each wheel and one in the engine, which makes the car slightly more mysterious when going at over 60 miles an hour than the average two-seat roadster.

The ex-former Twitter particle is the one thought to make people believe in conspiracy theories and think it's okay to abuse people from behind a cloak of pseudonymous anonymity.

So there we go.

This is what we can all expect to have, a particle accelerator, literally in our hands within, let's say, it might even get the Christmas market this year, I think.

I'm not interested in this mini particle collider.

I like my particle colliders to be thick with several Cs.

I like my particle colliders to have back.

There was genuinely, for some reason, a point where I thought Andy had understood this, and I don't know why I thought that.

And then halfway through the Halloween particle, I realized, nope, Saltzman didn't understand this either.

Well, I read the article.

It was on a website called livescience.com, which has a lot of very interesting

science-related stories.

And this is language I think that you should be able to grasp, Nish.

Could open the door to a wide range of applications,

including using the Teensy particle accelerators inside human-paid teensy.

And that's that's that's a scientific term that we could all understand.

I think

will we be able to shove a particle accelerator up our butts?

And if so,

will it feel incredible?

Let's cut to the chase here.

We're all thinking it.

You know, we're all thinking it.

before we leave this week's bugle.

Sport news now and England have absolutely stunk out the Cricket World Cup.

The worst ever title defence by Cricket World Cup champions.

They've managed the winning in 2019, and I'm sure I talked about this on the bugle at the time, one of the highlights of my

cricket media career,

being in the BBC commentary box for that game.

I'm not out at this tournament in India.

But England have been heroically shit for what is on paper a very good cricket team.

And I like to think that in this time of difficulty for the world, England have created and spread the concept of joy, which is what sport is supposed to be about.

They have selflessly allowed themselves to be defeated by Sri Lanka, which is marred in economic crisis at the moment, by South Africa to bring some light.

into South Africa's literal darkness as its ongoing power crisis on goes as ongoing things so often do.

They've lost to to Afghanistan which has had a tough time for the last oh I don't know a couple of hundred thousand years.

New Zealand struggling with a big possum infestation and to India which is obviously struggling through a period of breakneck pace change under the auspices of a nationalist government that ferments division at every opportunity.

So the England cricket team has been the foremost source of light and happiness in the world over the past month and I don't think they get enough credit for that.

England was so bad against India yesterday that I'm genuinely concerned our government is going to try and pass it off as reparations for the Koinor diamond.

It was a performance of shitness that resounded through history.

But, you know,

as a cricket fan of a certain age,

there was something reassuringly familiar about watching England just be absolute shit.

For too long, I've watched England be a competent and at times utterly outstanding Limited Overs team.

And watching them just absolutely collapse was,

you know, it was really reassuring.

Faintly nostalgic.

Hori,

you must be hugely excited about the

T20 World Cup coming to America next year.

Oh my gosh,

played in New York.

I imagine that you've been talking of little else.

Of course.

Who doesn't want a version of a game where you hit a ball with a stick that lasts less than 12 hours?

I wish we had a game like that in this country already.

I think I might have talked about this on the Beagle before, but

when I was in New York a few years ago,

I could tell you exactly, it would have been 2019.

I went to see my cousin in Jersey and I was told

by a friend of mine who is South Asian that I would be going to where all the Indians were.

And I thought that was not, that was too vague an instruction.

And then as the train got towards the more densely South Asian populated areas of Jersey, adverts started to appear for the impending 2019 Cricket World Cup.

And I thought, well, I'm in the right place now.

Just pictures of the Statue of Liberty holding a cricket bat aloft.

That's hilarious.

It was genuinely incredible.

That's not a hilarious image.

That is a deeply erotic image.

Oh, no,

don't let people think of you having an erection.

Don't do that.

Statue of Liberty with a cricket bat.

Full metal janitor's a lot to think of.

That brings us to the end of

this week's bugle.

Thanks to Nish and Hari.

Any projects to plug, Hari?

On tour, November 8th, San Antonio.

So if you're Greg Popovich, obviously you listen to this podcast.

Show up.

Bring Victor Wembanana with you.

Expect you there.

November 9th to the 11th in Austin, Texas.

November 17th and 18 in western Massachusetts, specifically Chicopee, Massachusetts.

Career booming right now.

November 19th, Providence, Rhode Island.

November 30th, hopefully Montreal.

Stay tuned.

And then December 15th in Vancouver, British Columbia.

And finally, Vacation Baby.

My free YouTube special is

still available because it's a goddamn YouTube special.

Nish.

I will have some news soon about my stand-up show's global release.

We will actually be able to, people will actually be able to see it outside of the UK.

But if you're in the UK, you can watch it on Sky Comedy or Now TV.

It's called Your Power, Your Control and is available now.

I have nothing to plug, but I will soon have some things to plug

in the form of some live Bugle shows early next year, dates hopefully to be confirmed within the week, which I'm a thing I might have said last week, and some stand-up at some point in the next 12-ish to 15 months.

Just, yeah, just keep your ears to the ground.

Thank you very much for listening, guys.

Even for you, that was terrible self-promotion.

Even for you saying, I might have at some point some stand-up within the next 12 to 15-ish months.

That's like you're not even trying.

Well, you just build up the aura of suspense, Nish.

That's called marketing.

Thank you very much for listening, Buglers.

Don't forget, if you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme and make a one-off or a current contribution to help keep this show free, flourishing and independent, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

And premium level voluntary subscribers now get exclusive access to the monthly Ask Andy show when I answer all your questions.

if I deem them worth answering.

Thank you for listening.

We'll be back in about 10 days.

We're switching back to Friday recordings for the rest of the year.

So we will see you then.

Until then, goodbye.

Bugle feature section now.

And 500 years ago, this year, Michelangelo, or as he was known by his friends, Mickey Paintbrush, was commissioned to do a little bit of decorating for the Pope.

He got his nickname, of course, not because of his artistic skills, but because he had tough, bristly, straight hair, which, when he was drunk, he would dip in a vat of paint and head-butt cartooned testicles into the size of churches.

Anyway, the story goes that Julius II asked Mickey Paintbrush, Can you whack a lick of paint on the ceiling in my chapel?

It could do with a bit of sprucing up.

Sure, Papa Jay, replied Michelangelo.

What do you want?

How about a bit of a fresco?

Uh sure, why not?

replied the pontiff.

Great, yipped the young artist.

I was thinking of doing something with some dogs playing snooker.

Uh right, Mickey P, said the Pope awkwardly.

It's just uh I was just kind of hoping for something a little bit more kind of neutral.

Maybe just, you know, just a plain off-white magnolia colour.

You know, Mickey, something that isn't going to go out of date.

Right, oh, Skipper, replied Michelangelo, a little downcast.

Hey, do you mind if I do a couple of little bits from the Bible in the corner?

No, all right, conceded the Pope, but just nothing too flash, little Mickey.

Yay, yelped the thirty-three-year-old five-time winner of the Golden Chisel Award for terrific sculpture.

I'll go and get my special scaffold.

Four years later, an angry Pope banged on the door of the Sistine Chapel with his big staff.

Have you finished yet, paintbrush?

He shouted.

Yep, all done, big man.

The pontiff stormed in, hat akimbo.

What the f have you done to my ceiling, you flash?

Sorry, Pop, said the artist.

I just got a bit carried away.

Oh, balls, winced the Vatican vicar.

Bloody El Mickey, what is your obsession with naked cocks?

Shit, I've got a christening to do in twenty minutes.

This is going to have to do.

Okay, boss.

Sorry, boss, mumbled the four-in-one painter, sculptor, architect, and chicken impersonator.

You haven't heard the last of this, Buonarotti, blasted the Catholic Kahuna.

Give me that paintbrush.

That's confiscated.

Pope Julius turned to go to his dressing room.

Just then, something on the ceiling caught his eye.

Hang on.

That looks like...

No, it can't be.

Is that my Wang?

Mickey paintbrush, have you painted my papal prong on that nudie man?

Come here.

Come here, you little.

Oh Oh no, he's got away.

I knew I should have got Da Vinci to do this.

Knew it.

So to commemorate half a millennium since this historic moment in the history of history, we present to you the Bugle Italian section.

Andy, that has to become a regular feature.

Historical story time.

Misinform your children with Andy's ultra.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.