It's Seriously F**king Hot

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4271 of The Bugle, officially one of the universe's top billion topical comedico-satiratistic audio newspapers for one of its billion most visual worlds.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, Zoltzman, the gatekeeper of all truth.

Just stepping in as a temporary locum for the next two seconds.

Oh, I did not enjoy that level of responsibility.

That is not my thing.

I'm coming to you, not live, and in the zeroth dimension from the shed, wherein lies the true secret to life.

Sorry, wherein lies a lot of old books about cricket, potato, potato.

And joining me today for this last full bugle before our summer hiatus, we have two of the leading 8 billion swimwear models on the planet today.

Chris Addison and Nish Kumar, are both looking, I must say, resplendent.

Andy, I've oiled myself up for every single bugle, and this is the first time it's come in use.

Andy, yeah, sorry I was a bit late to the Zoom call.

I've just been bidding for the Commonwealth Games.

Oh, right, okay.

We're pretty well set up here.

We've got a pond for the swimming events.

So so long as the games rules allow athletes to compete alongside Goldfish and Carp, we're set.

We've got an athlete's village, by which i mean a fold-out sofa but so long as there aren't more than two athletes who need to sleep at any one time should be fine and we're very happy to not mention the empire too much so worth a fun well that is key because i mean this is i mean this is a fresh breaking story today the australian strait of victoria pulled out of hosting the 2026 yeah common i mean and quite absolutely and without any apologies the uh the press release was headed f that mate

yes well i mean that the reason officially given was that they realized the whole event is a bit f ⁇ ing weird when you think about it, frankly.

Just a load of mostly former British imperial colonies being thrashed at sport by the UK and Australia due to their vastly superior funding and resources, whilst everyone tries not to think about what it truly signifies.

They made some

guff up about it being too expensive, but we all know.

We all know Victoria.

Oh, sorry, guys, I'm just getting news that Saudi Arabia has actually got the Commonwealth games.

Oh, and the Commonwealth.

Saudi Arabia has bought the Commonwealth Games and the entire Commonwealth.

Man, that's a real turn-up for the books.

It's the way of all flesh, and by flesh I mean sport.

Sport is flesh, Andrew.

How are your summers going?

Out of 10, how would you rate this summer so far on a personal or global level?

I think on a global level, it's going quite badly, isn't it?

I mean, it's too summery, if anything.

Yeah, we will touch that.

They've really turned the dials up on the whole summer aspect of summer, and it's not gone that well.

Call someone's dad.

The globe's thermostat is broke.

We will touch on that later in the show.

We are recording on the 18th of July, 2023.

On this day, in the year 1290, King Edward I of England issued the Edict of Expulsion banishing all Jews from England.

The six-foot-two-inch monarch needed to fob off his barons after whacking up their taxes.

And what more sugary deal sweetener could there have been for a bunch of 13th century anti-Semites than chucking all the not that many Jews out of the country?

Well,

that went well, didn't it, Teddy Longlegs?

I'm right here.

I'm right in your fing house.

Sorry, I'm in my shed, which is on what used to be your land.

Shalom, you tall, dead, law-reforming Scotland-invading admin-obsessed war-mongering wiener.

And the fact that I am here, despite King Edward I's efforts on this day day in 1290, shows what a great nation this is.

Because whatever mistakes we may make in this country, we're never too proud to front up, admit we've done something wrong, and put it right just a few hundred years later.

Because that edict was overturned in what seemed like a blink of an eye, but was in fact 367 years in 1657 by Oliver Cromwell, aka on social media at the time, at NotYourKingOllyCrom.

And also, we're never in this country, we're never too stubborn to apologise for mistakes we've made.

And in this case, the apology came just 732 years later as the Archbishop of Canterbury last year

issued an apology for the laws passed at the 1222 Synod of Oxford that restricted the rights of Jews in England and paved the way for the 1290 expulsion.

So

I think it just shows this country in a great light how we've moved on from that.

It does just remind you that blaming a minority for a country's financial woes is as English as crumpets and large-scale sexual repression.

Yes, and in fact, I think Edward I did have a plan to put all the Jews on a boat to Rwanda, but it didn't work out.

They've just dispersed around Europe.

As always, a section of the Bugle is going straight in the bin.

Well, two sections this week.

We have, well, the Bugle is going on summer vacation a little early due to the overwhelming deluge of cricket.

Do tune in to the Bugle Ashes Zoltzcast.

That was your wrestling name, wasn't it, Zoltzmann?

Overwhelming deluge of cricket.

That's also my secret service code name.

So to see you through the next achingly Bugle three weeks, here is the Bugle Guide to Summer and or Winter, delete according to preferred hemisphere and whether you're listening to this now or in the future or in the past.

Because you never know with time travel these days.

And indeed, time travel is where we start because, well, some new summer holiday options have opened up with a new tech startup Historilax set up uh by Elon Musk's long-term rival Pilau Snork offering package breaks back in time.

The options are currently a little limited as the company gets off the ground and works on uh improving its technology.

The options currently uh include going back in time to one of three weeks ago, one million years BC and last Thursday.

Um customers complained that the one million BC option just involved putting him in a special 3D cinema room and playing the raquel Welsh film one million years BC whilst the last Thursday option was quotes little more than showing a repeat of some golf tournament or other.

But anyway, it's something, isn't it?

It's getting what is the future of travel started.

Also in the Bugle Summer Holiday section we review all the latest beachwear for you to take on your summer holiday to be right up with the latest beach fashions including the pinstripe business suit.

Just as slack as chic has taken over corporate offices around the world, the pinstripe business suit is now the hip new look for people who like to look like they're at work where in fact they're on the beach.

Also we review the sporkel, part snorkel, part multi-use cutlery, enabling you to admire the wonders of the sea beneath you before putting your head above water to spread a sandwich, cut a peach into slices and eat a fruity moose while you fend off aquatic predators with your free hand.

And also we review flilts, part flipper, part stilt, swim faster in water, look taller on the beach.

What more could you possibly want from your summer footwear?

And we look at the joys of camping.

There is one joy of camping.

It makes you appreciate actual buildings.

That section in the bin.

Along with our summer football transfer speculation section, and with more and more players and managers spurning the traditional European power leagues in favour of an easy life where no one really gives a shit and you get paid even more money than the almost infinite wages you're already on, Stroke, you heroically helped develop new marketplaces and pioneeringly expand the horizons of your sport.

We look at the latest exciting summer transfer rumours.

And well, we've touched on the Saudi influence in sport already.

News just reaching us that the promising Portuguese attacking midfielder João Francesino has just turned down a move to Italian club Juventus in favour of a £150 million transfer to Saudi oil giant Aramco.

Exactly what role the former Benfica number 10 will play for the $7.8 trillion energy Behemoth remains unclear.

Rumours suggest he might be deployed in a free role just milling around the entrance lobby at the corporate headquarters in Dharan.

or possibly floating behind the CEO Armin H.

Nasser and chairman Yasser Al-Rumayan in a false CFO position.

In other transfer news, Saudi big hitters Al-Ittihad have added to their trophy cabinet by buying the 1970s-71 La Liga title from cash-strapped Spanish club Valencia.

Thus, the Jeddah-based team becomes just the 10th team to win the Spanish league.

Rumours are that the Saudi champions could also be in for Everton's 1984-85 English League and European Cup Winners' Cup double with the cash-strapped Merseysiders seeking funds to build their new stadium.

Former Premier League referee Norbert Scrivenshaw has been signed up by the Saudi government to become a High Court judge.

That's on a £1.2 million per case basis with extras for any convictions resulting in a public execution.

And the former Bayern Munchausen midfield sensation Rolf Bopnitz has signed to be the personal sex skimp for the Serbian novelty picnic blanket millionaire Dragan Splakovic.

That's on a £120 a week five-year deal plus some extremely dubious performance-related bonuses.

That football transfer section in the bin.

I know nothing about football, Andy, although I hear it's terribly popular.

But it always seems to me that if you want a demonstration of the all-conquering nature of capitalism, it's the fact that men who are multi-millionaires many times over can still be bought and sold like indentured servants and sent halfway around the world to start a new life every couple of years.

Given the working class backgrounds of most of those players, the whole thing is like a massive f you from the class system.

Made your way out, did you?

Made your way out with talent, dedication, hard work, yeah?

Well, we're still going to check your teeth, feel your calves, and pack you off to Spain, you oick.

You work for us.

it's an inspiration to us all.

I'm just marveling at

faced with a summer off, Andy is splurging bullshit all over the show.

It's kind of than he, you know, lets it out when he's in Greece or wherever.

It's like a teenage boy before an internet blackout, he is just

wanking his BS all over our ear holes.

Family show, Nishant.

Yeah, but like a really weird family.

top story this week it's hot uh but not just hot it's fing hot and it's not just hot it's seriously fing hot it's not just seriously hot it's seriously so hot and also so hot yet again that it starts to make you think that maybe just maybe those climate scientists weren't all making it up all along to get an extra couple of thousand dollars on their research funding uh the mercury has slam dunked itself into the 50 degrees celsius basketball hoop in the usa and china so much for the new cold War between these two rivals.

Lethal heat has been scourging numerous parts of Europe.

Fires are raging all over the place and weather maps are now so many different shades of red that they look like a Daily Telegraph columnist's face when writing about pronouns.

Reuters had an air quality map of North America on its website that looked like a rhinoceros had sneezed violently while halfway through eating a bacon sandwich.

And there are now millions of people living in heat wave zones around the world who've been declared officially medium rare.

In parts of the Mediterranean, you can now boil an egg just by putting it in a pan of boiling water for five minutes, which you could do anyway.

But anyway, it illustrates the situation.

And as the song goes, it's getting hot in here, so take off all your last vestiges of resistance to genuine global commitment, to making a genuine global commitment to get people to commit to some more commitments.

It's well, I mean, it's I love a stat, but stats on quite how fing hot the world is.

Not my favourite ones.

Are you both enjoying

the latest signal of our planetary impending doom?

I mean, listen, it's not ideal.

It's also incredibly hot in Europe.

At the Vatican, 15,000 people brought parasols and fans along to hear Pope Francis lead prayer.

Now, listen, we've all done stand-up.

That's a tough gig.

It's a tough, tough gig to do open-air work anyway.

Very difficult to get any crowd work going.

Very, very hard.

But when people are boiling to death, it's even harder.

And one of the priests, Francois and Bemba, said that people were sweating like hell.

Now, that is a priest saying conditions are hell adjacent.

And that means that there are Catholic priests who woke up that morning and thought, oh, God, we're in hell.

And given that they were Catholic priests, at least a couple of them thought, yeah, this checks out.

I've done some stuff.

I think it was a huge, huge week, Andy, for players of Climate Change Denial, the biggest and most successful global warming game franchise, even bigger than Coal Minecraft and Lemmings.

As somewhat unexpectedly, but much more expectedly, we have entered a boss level.

They thought the levels were hard so far.

It was tricky to keep denying in the face of the Antarctic ice retreating, but they said it was all part of Earth's long-term weather cycle.

And besides, the fault mostly lies with greedy sea lions who secretly snack on the ice at night time.

There was that even trickier hole in the ozone layer level.

Do you remember the hole in the ozone layer from the 80s?

That was like the John the Baptist to this shit shows Jesus.

That was the level where everyone nearly got skin cancer but the climate change denial players beat it by saying that the entire thing was made up and the scientists were all in the pocket of Big Hat.

They even managed to deny their way through that level where they found a bewildered looking polar bear floating on an ice cube down the Thames by suggesting it was an excellent sign that post-COVID London is a popular destination for tourists from all over the world again.

So far they've been been able to deny the effects of global warming, but it's much harder to deny global warming itself when the globe is actually and demonstrably warmer.

It's going to be interesting to see how they beat the boss level.

My guess is cheat codes.

That's always the way.

So I guess the question,

as you hinted at, Nish, is are we already burning in the fires of hell?

And if so, the question has to be asked, is this due to A,

countries legalizing same-sex marriage, or B, two centuries of breakneck industrial progress and burning stuff allowed to a destructive strain of economic short-termism and self-interest.

I guess history will have to be the judge.

Maybe both, Andy.

Yeah, I guess it could be.

This is very black and white, your approach.

I guess until Glaude himself clarifies the situation, we might not know for sure.

You know, I think as you look at, you know, temperatures in Italy reaching 48 degrees, and you look at just large sections of Spain on fire, large sections of California on fire this week, It's hard not to think, man, I really thought, and this is no offense, you people would start giving a shit when it happened to white people.

We all knew that everyone would just be fine with Tuvalu essentially being underwater.

We all knew that that was, but this is happening to white people.

The people people care about.

What you have to understand is that for quite a lot of white people, Italians and Spanish don't, they're just white people adjacent don't quite count for a lot of sort of Anglo-white people.

It's going to have to come a bit closer.

It's going to have to hit the Norwegians.

It's going to have to

have to hit the Norwegians before anyone cares about it.

Listen, as with any situation, there are winners and there are losers.

In this case, the losers are humanity in general.

And the winners are manufacturers of breathable clothing.

So my top tips for investment right now are linen mills, Haviana's concessions in airports, and this is slightly their feel, but I'm going to say the manufacturers of tenor incontinence pads, because I think they could really be onto something if they introduce a new range of super absorbent products to deal with the oncoming global epidemic of ball sweat.

Nad's nappies, plum wipes, knacka packers, lads pads, call them what you will, there's money in them dar spuds.

The other big losers in the situation are the writers and operators of metaphors.

Metaphors cease to be metaphors when they become actual reality.

For a long time, climate campaigners have used the metaphor the world's on fire.

But the world is literally on fire now.

So they're going to have to find some new ways of expressing the severity of the situation.

Maybe the earth is on life support and someone just unplugged it so they could charge the ice dispenser on their super yacht.

Or something snappier like mother nature's tits are exploding.

Or even something that's just very direct, such as holy fing shit, we've fed this thing so far up its fing finger that we're f.

And just to say, you can get all of those on a t-shirt over at my Redbubble page.

All of this record-breaking climate catastrophe made it more surprising when two days ago I was sat in this very room that we recorded the bugle in and watching on the Just Stop Oil Twitter feed video footage of people smashing up placards at a Just Stop Oil protest.

And it has been a nauseating summer on two fronts.

One front, the entire planet is on fire and on the other front we've had to listen to cs whinge about people protesting so that we don't all burn to death.

We had to listen to a whole summer of oh they interrupted the tennis!

sacred tennis a game between a man ranked 478th in the world and another man ranked 527th in the world they interrupted it and they were playing on a court so far from centre court in wimbledon that it was technically in croydon they interrupted it they interrupted the cricket for one minute of five days

they how could they do this they interrupted it they interrupted it for and johnny bestow i mean to be fair to him it's the only thing he hasn't dropped all summer was that climate protester.

And I'm beginning to think,

well, Johnny Besto to hold on to a fing couch, they need to write Just Stop Oil on a ball, but that's obviously neither here nor there.

The protesters have done all Just Stop Oil have been asking for, which I think is worth restating, is that we don't have new oil fields, which, in light of what's happening this week, seems evidently sensible.

They're also trying to stop the British government from opening a coal mine, because the British government are considering opening a coal mine.

The only good reason in 2023 to open a coal mine in Britain is if you're going to plan to immediately close it to stimulate boys' interest in ballet.

That's the only good reason it's a full Billy Elliott policy.

I think it's just probably just part of their desire to return to the 1950s in general as a government, isn't it?

I think fits.

We'd take that.

We won three Ashes series in a row in the 1950s.

I'm right on board with that.

That's the most audacious sports washing yet.

Bring back the 50s so we can have a more successful Ashes record.

I mean, you mentioned that coal mine, but I mean, really, in Britain, what are our alternatives?

I mean, if only we had some sort of coastline where we might be able to harness the power of the tides, or we had

a massive, great, reliable wind coming across an ocean pretty much all the time, that we might be able to, I don't know.

But there just aren't any options.

Harness the power of the tides.

What are are you, sorcerer?

One of my main reactions as the Earth moves steadily towards its post-human phase is: who knew Armageddon would be this slow?

As someone who grew up in the 80s, I was very much expecting that when the end of the world came, we would all be evaporated with only three minutes' warning.

I didn't think the whole thing would be eeked out over years and evolve quite so much in the way of celebrities raising awareness.

That is one of the main advantages of a nuclear strike.

Even in the age of smartphones, it leaves Gary Barlow and Galgado very little time to organise a video of people who are dull when they go on Jimmy Kimmel singing ebony and ivory in their Malibu kitchens.

There's something very absolute about a three-minute warning.

Three minutes gives you time for a sandwich, a speed wank, or to say goodbye to your loved ones depending on your personal situation and preference.

But the Armageddon denou jour leaves far too much time for contemplation and guilt.

And that is the other good thing about an all-out nuclear war.

You can absolutely frame that as entirely the fault of other people.

But climate disaster, climate disaster is something we're all being held responsible for.

I'll be honest with you, Andy, I can do without that.

I've got enough guilt and shame as it is.

My guilt and shame dance card is extremely full.

I've already got to fit in ruminating on my failings as a husband and father, the broad and deep consequences of empire, forgetting to put a wash on, my inherent advantages as a straight white man, accidentally treading on the cat, Western hegemony, the fact that I've chosen this job instead of something that actually helps humans and leaving the milk out so it went off.

That's enough to deal with.

And maybe I can fit feeling guilty about global warming in between not being a dutiful enough son and my part in Channel 4's early internet show dot comedy, but honestly, I can't promise anything.

You've triggered some horrible memories with that last

round.

I had to dig very deep to be able to say that out loud.

You're very brave to share that.

Those three-minute options you listed,

were they mutually exclusive or not?

I can't quite remember the.

Oh, no, no, you can have a sandwich, a speed wank, and say goodbye to your loved ones at the same time.

In many ways, that is the dream.

And that's the thing, you'll get it all done because you've got a deadline.

Yep.

Well, it's like when they found that bloke in Pompeii who would clearly seen the lava and decided to just go to town on himself as he was so good as the lava was coming towards him.

Although, with this version of the apocalypse, it is taking longer.

You're really going to have to tease that wank out.

You've got to go full sting wank.

You've got to think tantric on this.

Tantric on your own business.

I love the idea that people generally don't want to be caught masturbating.

And the fact he probably thought he got away with it.

No way did he imagine that 2,000 years later, someone would

be the equivalent of someone bursting into his room going, What are you doing?

He'd have to say, he looked pretty ashen-faced when he was.

Oh, there it is.

Brexit was right news now, and

the European Union is going to force poisonous chemicals on all children across Europe.

Brussels bureaucrats are set to poison children in their sleep after making it compulsory for the continent's kids to drink industrial chemicals with their lunch if they want ice cream afterwards.

That is not entirely the story, but since it's a story that involves the EU, we're allowed to take a bit of creative license in this country.

That's what we voted for.

And this is essentially what's happened.

The European Commission is poised to backtrack on its plans to ban most

hazardous chemicals in consumer products after a backlash from the hazardous chemicals industry.

This is according to leaks documents.

The ban was set to cover thousands upon quite literally thousands of dangerous substances and everyday products ranging from toys to food packaging and from phthalate-flavoured blancmange to arsenic-coated underpants.

Well, I mean, this surely proves that we were right to take control of how we poison our children rather than relying on Brussels to do it for us.

Yeah, I mean, listen, given the principal achievement of Brexit appears to be you can now just put human shit in all rivers and beaches,

this is the EU trying to tempt us back,

lifting up their skirt to show us a bit of leg.

Not gonna work, Eurocrats.

Not gonna work.

Yeah, it's um

say what you will about the EU, but they don't sometimes half make it hard to like them.

The European Commission is going to break this promise to outlaw all but the most essential of the hazardous chemicals.

It's basically as a result of an industry-led backlash, and they've come under pressure from the chemical industry and right-wing political parties.

So, the European Union has very much taken the professional footballer route of following the money.

And unfortunately, in this case, the money leads to a bunch of heavily poisoned children.

It's pretty disgraceful.

I mean, it feels like

being against poison should be the bare minimum for people.

But clearly, the pro-poison lobby, clearly I'm a naive buffoon, and the pro-poison lobby has wafted a few doubloons under the European Commission, and they've decided to go, you know what?

F it.

The kids are going to die of climate change in the long run.

We may as well poison them ourselves.

Yeah,

it's saving them other forms of pain.

We should, for the sake of editorial balance, say that these poisons will also be effective on adults as well as children.

So, you know, we've only given really one side of the story up to this point.

The numbers are extraordinary.

According to a study into the prevalence of the chemicals, 34 million tons of them were consumed last year in Europe.

And it's the kind of figure that's sort of impossible to get your head around, particularly if your brain function has been affected by the sheer number of forever chemicals that you're ingesting.

So I've done some maths to put this in context.

Bear with me, you might need a pen and a pad.

The population of the EU is 407,209,306 people at the last count, which I'm assuming was registered this morning.

If the 34 million tons of chemicals consumed last year were distributed evenly among the population, that would mean that each person consumed 84, sorry, 83.5 kilograms of NNCs or not nice chemicals.

Given that the mean weight of a Big Mac is somewhere around 220 grams, that means that each citizen of the European Union last year consumed the equivalent of 380 Big Macs worth of NNCs and RFBCs, really fing bad chemicals.

That is

154,739,536,280 Big Macs.

And that is without even taking into account the environmental impact of that many plastic toys accompanying the happy meals.

So what I think that proves is that if we can just stop eating Big Macs, this will all away.

He could prove anything with numbers.

Exactly.

The Belgian Prime Minister, Alexander DeCruz, said that, said back in May, if we're over-burdening people with rules and regulations, we risk losing support for the green agenda.

And the German chemicals giant BASF has permanently downsized in Europe because of what it called over-regulation.

I have to say, overburdening and over-regulation, I really feel like not having poison is not over-regulating.

And I am concerned that they are going to now say well the thing is we would absolutely love to create more jobs in the uh in continental Europe but unfortunately the over-regulation of laws against murdering people is weighing us down we cannot move for red tape

yeah

listen God does it need to be 10 commandments I mean it's just very restricting Moses was the original red tape wielder yeah there were there were like 15 of them originally but he talked them down and they're much of family EU

I've had a look at the 12,000 suggested toxic substances on this list, and I'm not happy.

I'm not happy at all.

There are huge emissions.

I'm wondering if there's an opportunity here for a bit of negotiation.

So clearly, there are a number of toxic chemicals that business and industry want taken off the list.

So perhaps we could operate a one-in-one-out policy, and I could get a few of my suggestions on there.

How about, right?

They get to put lead back in petrol, but celery is banned.

Or they can pick any carcinogen they like to take off the list, but the EU moves to outlaw Disarono.

Some kind of indestructible poison-based fertilizer gets a reprieve, but pale blue sports-oriented aftershaves are illegal within the borders of the European Union.

My list of demands, suggestions, includes, but is not limited to, hard seltzer, which is just a way of sending Alcopops to grown-ups, you're not fooling us, non-absorbent cat litter, southern comfort, fruit in salads, whatever that is that comes out of my old ear piercing when I squeeze it, and eggnog, if indeed those are two different things.

India going to the moon news now, and

what exciting times for Indian space rockets.

One of their number has been fired upwards, a best thing to do with a space rocket, IMHO, on a mission to discover what's on the other side of the moon.

They're firing it to the dark side of the moon,

and showing once again the influence of pink flood on Indian geopolitics, to try to discover whether the moon is really really a large disk in the sky like a pancake or is it more like a golf ball but further away um this is uh you know obviously very exciting as a as a you know a man of Indian descent uh you must be thinking you know you this is an opportunity maybe for you to become an astronaut within the next you know 100 to 150 years 100% Andrew this is absolutely huge news side note Indian space rocket was my secret service security name

the moon or as we of Indian extraction call it the fat Nan, is the latest frontier of India's exploration.

And you're thinking, why is India blasted off a rocket to the moon?

Why have they sent Chandrayaan 3, the word for moon craft in Sanskrit, off from an island in southern India, to the moon?

Is it to assert India's dominance as a kind of new world superpower?

Is it to show off the science and technology that's thriving in the country?

country the answer is it's neither of those things it's to send someone to the moon to make sure no one is saying anything bad about Narendra Modi we will travel to the ends of the galaxy to make sure that those space aliens are not saying anything weird like BJP stands for blow job piss party or that Narendra Modi with his white hair and white beard looks like a mean Indian Santa we are desperate to make sure that there is no one up there and I'll tell you how they're fueling the rocket they're fueling it with Narendra Modi's own spit because he spits jet fuel and I read about that in a WhatsApp forwarded to me by my uncle

I think the most significant aspect of India landing a craft on the moon is that life will be much simpler now for NASA and the UK Space Agency and countless similar organisations across the globe who can now simply outsource all of their space exploration to India.

No longer will there be the risk and expense and years of training associated with putting people called Brandon or Chip or Yevgeny into space.

Instead, rockets will be sent up with nothing in the cockpit but a connection to a call centre in Bengaluru where a man called Arjun is going to be your astronaut today.

Press one if you're having trouble landing the craft.

Press two if you're unable to cope with the desolate beauty of the arid moonscape.

Press three if you broke wind in your suit and require medical assistance.

For all other inquiries, press the hash key.

Calls may be recorded for training and posterity.

So I mean the fact that India has the money to launch this

completely pointless expedition to see what's what's on the other side of the moon.

I guess suggests that you know it sorted out all the all the other problems affecting affecting the country in the same way that

other countries in America doesn't have any problems anymore.

And the Soviet Union had pretty much sorted everything out before it fired that dog into space.

And then you're a Gagarin

in a dog outfit as well to back it up.

So, I mean, this is quite exciting news, generally, isn't it, in terms of social progress?

Yeah,

it's a sign of a society with its priorities in order.

Sure, there's huge economic problems in India,

but how will will we know that this stuff on the moon, if we haven't how can we trust white people's opinion of what's on the moon?

And

that is the one element of which I support this.

I just, I think you've got to send an Indian in there just to have a look at what's going on, just to see what's happening up there on the moon.

Otherwise,

the whites, you may have been lying to us about the moon the entire time.

There might be gold up there for all we know.

That's probably

one of Camilla's f ⁇ ing hats.

Some moon gold

that that got colonised by some British asshole.

And there are also rumours that

an advertising deal has been signed so that the face of Indian cricketer Virat Kohli will be projected onto the moon for all time as the one visible thing left in the world that isn't already sponsoring Virat Kohli.

So this is, again,

exciting news for everyone.

I know that's a joke, Andy, but I think you would make a couple of billion people extremely happy.

Myself included.

if you project it.

And if you projected Tendulka onto the moon, then

we'd be over it.

We'd be quite literally over the moon.

I think that as you sort of mentioned, Andy,

they're going to somewhere...

quite new.

The chosen landing site is very significant.

The craft is to touch down at the moon's very rarely visited South Pole, where it will try to answer once and for all the age-old question, barren and dry, though it may appear, does the moon really have space penguins?

If so, are they regular penguins who've evolved to fit the oxygen-less environment of the moon?

We know that regular Earth penguins can hold their breath for an inordinate length of time.

Have the space penguins evolved so far that they can hold their breath for their entire lives?

Or have they developed cute little penguin spacesuits?

This could be a hugely significant find because if there's one way of convincing an increasingly sceptical and poverty-stricken human race that it's worth the trillions of dollars that space exploration costs, it's going to be cute space penguins.

A lot rides on this.

And also, I guess, you know,

going to the South Pole of the moon, I mean, we've been burnt by this before.

I just hope for India's sake they don't find the fing Norwegians have got their sitcoms before.

Well, but they're not the first people there, are they?

Because now there have been rockets from America, Russia, China, and India that have all reached the moon.

And I think what we've got here, lads, is the beginning of a really promising chalk and cheese type sitcom called Mr.

Von Brown's Boys, in which the inhabitants of four national lunar bases live next door to each other with hilarious consequences and classic moments we all love.

Who can forget Dimitri falling through the airlock or Captain Leon explaining to co-pilot Bao that the dehydrated food tube is very small, but the Horsehead Nebula is far away?

And so Portable 2.

Don't tell him, Buzz, what are you talking about, First Officer Malhotra?

How you doing for recyclable oxygen cells?

This shit writes itself, which coincidentally is the motto of Chuck GPT.

And also, why there's such an ampas in the US writers' strike, I guess.

When the shit starts writing itself, where does that leave the humans?

India are actually planning on the next space mission, is planning to be planning to send some astronauts to the International Space Station as part of an agreement that was struck when Narendra Modi last month visited Joe Biden in America.

And interestingly, while that discussion was mainly focused around providing a counterweight to Vladimir Putin's aggression in Ukraine,

they did actually find time to discuss democratic values.

Uh Biden said the Prime Minister and I had a good discussion about democratic values.

That's the nature of our relationship, we're straightforward with each other.

And Narendra Modi said that he was surprised by any criticism of the Indian government, which is

he would be surprised by it, because he doesn't see it very often, because anyone who does gets beaten up.

He said that in India, the benefits provided by the government is accessible to all.

That has the mother of all citation neededs next to it.

That comment from Modi would barely pass Wikipedia's editing policy.

Sports news now, and while it's been a huge week in sport, Chris mentioned the Commonwealth Games schemuzzle.

Also, there was an incident at the Tour de France when a spectator caused a huge crash by trying to take a selfie whilst 150 professional cyclists whizzed past him at about 45 miles an hour in a strong entry for the sporting moment that best expresses 21st century human life award.

But let's look at Wimbledon, which after wimbling on for two weeks has now wimbled off for another year and with two new singles champions crowned.

Marketa von Druzeva is the ladies' champion, as predicted on the bugle three weeks ago.

Well looking ahead to the women's singles, my money has to be on the unseeded check and 250 to one shot Marketa von Druzeva, former French Open finalist, of course, just bring a big surprise and make it all the way, foiling the dreams of Ukraine's heroic Alina Svitalina in the semifinals,

before prevailing in a disappointingly one-sided final against Britain's reanimated 1909 champion Dora Boothby, back in contention after being ruled out of recent tournaments due to having died in 1970 at the age of 88.

Well, I was pretty close.

I mean, you can't get everything right, but yeah, but I did say Von Druzeva would win.

And in a men's draw, Carlos Alcaraz the 20 year old Spaniard beats the unbeatable he beat Novak Djokovic which is pretty much like beating the dinosaurs in a being wiped out by an asteroid competition an incredible achievement did did you guys watch I was actually playing cricket at the time

so you're saying you're not responsible is that yeah

so I didn't have to I caught up on it later I sort of thought because Jokovich, regardless of how good Alcaraz is, I just assume Djokovic would win because

that's what he does.

I don't think he has the imagination to lose, generally.

But it was an extraordinary sporting moment.

I was very sorry that Djokovic didn't win, not because I liked the Antifaxa ding bats, but because I had an Escape from Alcaraz tweet all ready to go and win it.

No one's done those.

If there's one thing I hate in sport, Andy, it's the changing of the guard.

It was very little more dispiriting than watching a man, the generation below me, being superseded by someone from from my own children's generation it is very depressing but that but Nish Djokovic is your generation so I'm gonna ask you are you okay how does it feel to have your men's single final dreams finally dashed Djokovic is

it was extremely close game there was a moment when uh Alcaraz I think sort of speared a shot down the line and Djokovic in his attempts to quickly change direction fell flat on his face and for most of the game uh the the kind of writing around it and in the lead up to the game was the idea of this kind of David vs.

Goliath this sort of plucky 20 year old upstart taking on less a tennis player and more a kind of force of nature

and then for one second it looked like what it was which was a 20 year old embarrassing someone a decade and a half older than him

when Djokovic was faced down on the turf I I don't think I've ever felt I don't think I've ever felt closer to it but for a long period Djokovic did dominate.

And I felt a little bit like George Orwell in the 1930s, watching the Spanish crumble to fascism.

But

Alcaraz rallied and rallied hard.

And

it was an extraordinary game that sort of reminds you that really only sport can do this.

And I would like to apologise to my parents' neighbours who, when Alcaraz smeared a cross-court forehand at head height from the baseline, heard heard me make a noise like someone stamping on a BG's nutsack.

Because there's a list of things that you should not do if you want to beat Novak Djokovic.

One is play him at tennis.

Two is play him at tennis in a country that lets people in who haven't had a COVID vaccination.

Three is play him on centre court at Wimbledon.

Four is play him in a decade beginning with the numbers 2, 0, and 2.

Because since January 2020, he'd won 74 out of 48 matches in Grand Slam tournaments before that one.

Two of his losses were to Nadal in Paris, where it's basically impossible to beat Nadal without

one or more of a harpoon, a nuclear warhead, or a particularly angry crocodile.

And in one of the other two losses, he was disqualified for whacking a ball at a line judge, because why not?

Thing five, you're not supposed to do, is lose the first set quickly.

Thing six, let a set go to a tie break.

Djokovic never loses tie breaks.

Thing seven, go ahead in the match, then let Djokovic come back to level things up.

Don't get taken to a fifth set.

Don't get taken to a fifth set, specifically in a Grand Slam final, and don't give him a break point in that fifth set because he's so good on the big points.

And above all, don't get distracted by him bouncing the fing ball 20 fing times before every fing serve.

Alcaraz made all these mistakes apart perhaps from the last one and still won.

It was truly extraordinary.

It's also, you know, it's how we watch sport, isn't it?

Yeah, we watch sport with it in a, it's a largely emotional thing and people like or don't like players based on numerous things, and not just how good they are, but also how they play.

And in my case, watching tennis, how many times they bounce a ball before every serve.

And Djokovic's ball bouncing is insane.

There was a junior tournament when he played, I mean, I think it was about 15 or 16.

The story goes that the young Djokovic bounced the ball for 74 hours continuously before serving at set point down.

It's always worse than the big points.

His opponent fell asleep

and was taken home by his mum, and Djokovic was awarded the match by default.

Now, that didn't happen, but the fact that neither of you interrupted me to put me right,

and none of you listening, whenever you are interrupting me, that tells you everything you need to know.

Djokovic was fined, he smashed his racket during the final set after

having his serve broken.

He was fined £8,000, just over £6,000.

He was essentially paid $575,000 for playing and losing the final.

That's the difference in prize money between losing the final and losing the semi-final.

There were 334 points in the final, so it works out that for smashing his racket to pieces and denting the net post, he was deducted his pay for three and a half of those 334 points.

Now, Alcaraz serves seven double faults, so let's just say Djokovic, for smashing his racket to pieces like a stroppy professional tennis player, was penalised brutally by not being paid for watching the first serves of Alcaraz's seven double faults fail to land in play.

And that is a lesson he will never forget.

You know, sport-like life is complicated, and obviously, a lot of tennis fans haven't really forgiven Djokovic for not being a Rafana Dahl who was,

you know, who

did pretty spectacular things with the tennis ball and took the game to new heights of athleticism.

Or, indeed, they haven't forgiven Novak Djokovic for not being Roger Federer, who is, and I don't think this is an overstatement, the ultimate pinnacle of human beauty

was found in Roger Federer's backhand.

Do you know, whenever I'm watching Wimbledon, I always think they really lean into the colour green, don't they?

They really

lean into it, which seems odd because it clashes terribly badly with the strawberries.

But in fact, it's camouflage.

Until the late 19th century, Wimbledon was painted scarlet, but that made it a much easier target when at war with other Grand Slam tournaments.

It only changed to green after the humiliating defeat to Roland Garros in the 1884 Battle of Schlazinger.

That battle went to four sets, but Wimbledon eventually succumbed to a powerful volley of cannons, forcing it back to the baseline before the superior agility of Roland Garros made itself clear with an easy drop shot to put the battle beyond reach.

Camouflage, of course, isn't Wimbledon's only defence against invasion by foreign grand slans.

There are also the anti-air raid roofs that have been put on centre court and court number one, the enormous defensive earthworks that have been constructed, otherwise known as Henman Hill, and of course, ticket prices.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle.

And indeed, this summer's bugles will be back in, well, late August, stroke early September, which might still be summer.

But you get my point.

We're going to be off for a few weeks.

What are you guys?

Probably, what are you looking forward to over the summer as citizens of Planet World?

I'm looking forward to getting to know the various air conditioning spots in Italy

where I will be for two weeks just standing near fridges in supermarkets.

i'm looking forward to uh the conclusion of the ashes massive game in old trafford which you're off to uh imminently andrew yes as soon as we finish this recording i'll be um packing up my stats machine and my 75 coloured pens and uh

heading up to cocoon myself in the comforting safety blanket of sport and stats um as james brown said stay on the scene like a stats machine before

immediately being corrected

We will talk about this.

In fact, Chris and Ish and I will talk about this in the Bugle Ashes Zoltzcast available via the Bugle website or elsewhere on the internet.

As I said, we will be back with full bugles in a few weeks' time, unless there's nothing left to quip about.

Maybe everyone will have learnt to get along in peace and harmony.

The environment will have stopped being such a temperamental shitbag and the world will be sitting around the campfire holding hands and singing songs to each other and not lighting the campfire because they've learned their lesson.

But if not, we will be back.

We will be back

to, as I said, hold up the mirror to the world and smash it to pieces so you don't have to.

In the meantime, there will be a couple of sub-bugles over the next few weeks to keep you going.

There is the Bugle Ashes Zoltzcast.

There's Top Stories, giving you the top stories from old episodes.

And also, we are adding full old episodes gradually to the Bugle feed.

You can listen to the gargle.

Gathars, other shows from the Bugle podcast stable.

You can see plenty of Bugle co-hosts at the Edinburgh Festival.

Nishi, are you...

have you got a show at the festival?

I'm there for four days, but

Oh, you've got to that stage of the career now, have you, Nisha?

Just going to go in, suck up some tickets for four days, and get out of there.

I'm going to be completely frank with you.

It's a work-in-progress show that I'm not touring, and it may as well be called Nish is Trying to Expense His Hotels and Trains Against Tax.

Those shows are

regrettably and slightly surprisingly already sold out.

There might be some returns if you go on the Monkey Barrel website.

I'm also, I'll be doing my news podcast, Pod Save the UK, which is also available wherever you get podcasts.

Alice, Tiff, Anuvab, James, Nakise, and Tom Ballard are all doing shows at the Edinburgh Festival.

Go and see all of those.

Alice is also doing a couple of live gargle shows.

Tickets available.

Just ask.

Just ask nicely.

Edfringe.com.

Oh, that's it.

That's the one.

So I knew it was somewhere.

Just get edfrings.com up on your computer or your phone or your tablet and ask that nicely.

When I posted about my Edinburgh show originally, I put all of the dates up wrong.

And they had to be corrected by my agent, by her posting underneath my Instagram post.

And the number of people who immediately responded by saying you've been spending too much time with Andy Saltzman was truly healthy.

There's a Bugle Live show in London in September.

I can't remember the date offhand.

Middish September.

We will post details as soon as tickets are available.

And, well, I think subscribers of the Bugle Voluntary subscription scheme get priority booking.

But I'm sure there'll be

plenty left after that.

Well, happy summer, everyone.

We will be back in a few weeks.

Do listen to me talking in numbers on the cricket if you like that kind of stuff.

If you don't, don't.

You'll hate it.

And you'll be wrong.

You'll be wrong about everything in your life.

Until August, stroke, September.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.