Earth Spins Off Own Axis In Attempt To Escape From Itself

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4269 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world albeit a visual world in which what you see is almost certainly being manipulated to make you think it's something different to what it actually is.

I am Andy Zaltzman and I'm sitting in a shed after working for the past five days at a volcanically tempestuous cricket match between England and Australia.

One of the most controversial games in the long rivalry between these two nations.

So who better to drag me back into something approaching reality and help bring me up to date with what is happening in the parallel universe that isn't all about people trying to hit a small ball with a medium-sized stick than someone from America, a nation that spurned humanity's greatest invention from its sporting repertoire for whatever f ⁇ ing reason.

And someone from Australia, who, for whatever reason, doesn't give a flying f about cricket.

Please welcome Josh Godwellman and Tom Ballard.

Welcome to the bugle, both of you.

How are you both?

Look, okay, I'm doing fine.

I just want to say it wasn't my decision to spurn cricket, okay?

I'll take any sport that I can watch at night before I go to bed after my wife is asleep to stop me from thinking thoughts.

You're very much on my wavelength, Josh.

I'm doing well, Andy.

Australia sent me onto this podcast to officially apologise and explain everything that happened with the stumping foul,

the out-of-bounds off-side that we did.

And I'm sorry, or you're welcome.

Whatever I did.

We did cover this in some depth on today's Bugle Ashes Zoltzcast.

We will try to keep this Bugle a relatively cricket-free zone.

Sorry, I just have yet to get that one in my ears.

I'm sorry, but I will.

As soon as we finish here, that is absolutely top of my list.

Josh, your summer has been,

you were saying, busier and less busy in different ways due to the writers' strike.

Can you bring us up to date with

what's been happening with it?

Sure.

So I've walked in, probably, I've said a personal best for circles walked in, one week category.

We are on strike, the Writers Guild of America, waiting for the big studios to come back to the table with a serious proposal.

But right now, you're catching me in kind of a liminal space in my life and career because I was unemployed and then was on strike, which seems like it should make me more unemployed.

But instead, I got much busier fighting for the righteous cause.

But right now, it's a holiday, so I'm on a break from being on strike from being unemployed.

So this is quite a day that you found me on.

But yeah, we're out there.

We're striking.

It's, I think, day 61 and back on on the picket lines on Wednesday.

Right.

And I believe you've written no jokes for this edition of the Bugles.

Well, that's just my tradition.

That's kind of the Gondelman promise.

We are recording on the 3rd of July, 2023.

On this day in 1913, there was the Great Reunion.

at which Confederate veterans and Union veterans from the American Civil War met at Gettysburg.

They reenacted part of the battle and then met each other with outstretched hands of friendship.

And Woodrow Wilson, the president at the time, said, We have found one another again as brothers and comrades in arms, enemies no longer, generous friends, rather, our battles long past, the quarrel forgotten, except that we shall not forget the splendid valour.

And America has lived happily ever after, ever since, in perfect harmony, tolerance, and mutual respect.

I don't think I'd read about this before, Josh.

Was this a famous occurrence of you heard of this, this great new 90s after?

I know that there's other Civil War reenactments, but I didn't know there was one that was with the soldiers themselves, which I think feels a little bit like

our side rubbing it in.

Kind of an uncivil thing to do.

I mean, it makes me feel like when I'm watching an unrelated sporting event and I see the ball bounce through Bill Buckner's legs in 1986, and I'm like, oh, great,

a World Series reenactment.

Thank goodness the Mets fans are getting to enjoy this again.

All the reverted reenactments, they lost the magic.

You've got to get the original cast together, like the original OG first ones.

That's always had little something-something that you can never quite recreate, I think.

But it's a wonderful example of,

yeah, I guess, rapprochement

and a mutual understanding.

And therefore, in December 2052, I will have a re-enactment of my gig at the comedy store in Manchester from 2002.

And we will hopefully reach out hands of friendship across the divide.

On the 4th of July 1803, well, another key moment in American history.

The Louisiana purchase was announced to the American people.

Two million square kilometers of prime North American real estate sold off by France to the USA for the bargain basement price of $15 million, which today would buy you a small fleet of high-end electric cars or a mid-to-low-range backup defensive midfielder coming to the end of his career.

Times have changed.

On the minor side, though, it did include Nebraska.

So, I mean, good deal or bad deal, you be the judge.

I guess one of the slight issues with it was that most of the land involved didn't actually belong to France.

But in the grand tradition of Western imperial powers,

everyone just assumed the local native population wouldn't mind, and they certainly didn't get get a chance to make a counterbid for the land they already owned.

So,

yeah, sensational piece of that.

I mean, history is just full of.

As always,

I think

maybe that could be another bugle spin-off podcast.

History is full of k.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, construct your own pointless radio phone in.

If there's not enough division in your world,

just build your own radio phone in with needlessly oppositional arguments to the following questions.

Why do clouds always move from left to right?

Are giraffes as tall as all that?

Who would have won the Football World Cup if it had been played in the year 1362?

Was Shakespeare's Hamlet really rock star buddy Holly?

Is air good for you?

If you're looking west, how do you know East still exists?

What's green and squishy?

Why were rainbows illegal in Bolivia in the 1980s?

And if King Charles was a Spaniel, would our bank notes bark?

Do construct your own arguments about those and broadcast them into your own heads.

That section in the bin.

Is air good for you?

Has been actually a pretty hot topic around here lately.

Top story this week.

What in the world is going on out there?

Which were questions asked by many commentators at the cricket this week, but more importantly, what is actually happening not only in the world, but to the world physically.

Because for years now, we've relied on the assumption that the planet will keep turning and keep turning in the way that it has turned for as long as many of us can remember.

I'm 48 years old, and the world has just been quietly going about its rotational business, certainly since I was a kid, and arguably for billions of years before that, too.

But now, there are signs that the Earth has got bored as a planet and wants to try something a bit new and a bit different.

Because scientists have discovered that the planet's rotational axis has gone walkabout.

It was heading slowly south towards Canada.

Now it's heading east for ever reason.

Do look out if you're east of where you are when you're listening to this.

You could confront a confused-looking rotational axis.

Do not attempt to talk to it, stop it, or rotate it the other way.

Call the authorities and try to soothe it with song.

Josh, what's essentially seemed to be happening here, and you know, as you said, you're a big sports fan, is...

That the Earth has put spin on itself.

So is our planet just becoming a literal curveball?

Yeah, I mean, I knew this was happening.

I don't mean to pat myself on the back.

Last night, I did some karaoke with some friends to celebrate the holiday weekend, and I came out of that karaoke place feeling a little woozy after having several drinks, and I thought to myself, you know what?

I bet the Earth is rotating differently than it used to be.

And you know what?

My hunch was absolutely correct.

This is the prophecy that Missy Elliott foretold.

The Big Bang was essentially putting that thing down.

And now,

you know, millions of years later the Earth is flipping it and reversing it.

I think the change is good news.

That's what I think ultimately that's the headline here.

This is good news.

The Earth is trying to Superman to itself by turning the wrong way, sending itself back in time, giving us a do-over on the havoc we've wreaked on the planet.

Well, thank you for bringing that positive side.

Of course, this is what I bring to the bugle.

Tom, are you excited by this whole new planet that we'll soon be living on?

Where I assume Australia will end up somewhere just off the new coast of the Czech Republic.

All right, we're going to shift around as well.

I'm not excited, Andy.

I think this is another blow for the sensible centre.

Not even planet Earth's axis is prepared to maintain a moderate position.

It's a disgrace.

Everything's changing.

Back in my day, men were men, women were women.

Pluto was a planet, and you knew what Earth's f ⁇ ing axis was.

Now the queen's dead, everyone's transgender, and the planet's ability to spin has been destroyed destroyed by cultural Marxism.

It's a fucking destructor, Sandy Salzman.

Well there you go.

We've presented both views and you the listener can decide.

They have talked about this drifting axis and actually drifting axis is my favorite and most complicated sex move so we'll just be doing that about that.

Family show.

So, I mean essentially what's happened and you know I don't understand things like this because they involve complicated science and I stopped paying attention to that when I was 16.

But apparently the part of it's been caused by the polar ice caps melting despite us repeatedly and politely asking them not to.

Also due to water being pumped out of the ground for farming and domestic use and this shifting of water has unbalanced the entire planet.

And as I said it was heading to Canada, the rotational axis, but then thought nah.

I mean what about Canada do you think has put

the Earth's axis rotational axis off from going there?

Is it an an excess of ice hockey or a a confusion of moose?

That's a good question.

I feel like you it hit the border and then just realized like, ah, like this is going to be a hassle getting in.

They're like, we'll head out towards international waters or we can rotate any way we want.

Yeah.

Maybe they looked up at the Just for Last Montreal Comedy Festival lineup and saw that Tom Ballard is there heading there with his new show in his his eye and it said not for me and popped off the other way.

Oh there you go.

It's good to get the plugs in early.

You can save time at the end of the show Tom.

That's good.

Yeah so the article that

I read you know I went a maximum of half an article deep on this.

It was that fine patterns and variations in the planet spin are worrying because they have an impact on the sat nav systems that guide map apps that we depend on to know not only where we're going but whether we still exist.

Aeroplanes, that that's a slight confusion if you've booked a holiday and you want to be able to trust the Earth's rotational axis that you're going to end up in you know n Spain rather than Moscow.

And also it can affect missiles.

That is a wake-up call for me when the the the Earth's rotational axis shifting might send a missile to the wrong place.

I think now we need to take this we need to take this seriously.

Yeah, I'll be damned if we here in Melbourne are going to get hit with a missile from Russia or China that was intended for Perth, all because the planet's surface was wobbling all over the joint like an atlas on the top of a washing machine.

I just think that the idea that

these Apple, like the maps, I'll start again.

I also think the idea that map apps aren't working properly, like blaming that on the Earth's wandering access, that really sounds like a bullshit excuse cooked up by Apple Maps to justify how terrible they were.

Well, I'm worried about this missile thing.

It really calls into question

the whole idea of missiles, right?

Where if it was like, oh, the Earth's rotation,

that changed where the missile is going to say, well, the Earth is always rotating in some place.

Maybe we got to put these things down, just drive it over to where you want it to go or something.

One of the reasons blamed is apparently that the Earth is still recovering from the last ice age and it's bouncing back into shape, which is causing.

Do you not think it's time for the Earth to just get over it?

I mean,

seven years after Brexit, we've moved on as a nation here in the United Kingdom.

We're fing fine.

We're not still furious with each other over it.

You don't have to try to bounce back after the ISIL.

Like, I've been, it's 2021.

I got vaccinated, started going outside.

And I thought, you know, maybe my body will snap back to its pre-pandemic size and shape.

Nope, I just need bigger t-shirts.

Maybe the Earth just needs a bigger t-shirt.

I didn't realize how messed up the Earth was.

This is a New York Times article that we were all reading, and it said, You can't feel it, but our planet's rotation is nowhere near as smooth as that of the globe on your desk.

As it moves through space, Earth wobbles like a poorly thrown frisbee.

It's like, it's not looking good for the whole intelligent design thing.

Apparently, if God does exist, he shit at Frisbee and he was too lazy to finish the platypus.

Okay?

And the idea of who the New York Times presumes is reading this newspaper, to be like, you know, it's not like the globe on your desk, the globe you all have sitting on your desk

as if you're planning which nation to take over or mapping out where you own property.

It's like, that's who we think is reading this newspaper.

It's uneven, like the top of your pith helmet, you know?

It's as chaotic as the waters your yacht is sailing across right now.

Moving on from the physical state of the world to what's happening in and on it.

Let me just see what's happening in the oh, can we just ignore what appears to be the outbreak of war in the Middle East?

Uh yes, let's just ignore that.

Uh let's ignore that and move on instead to happier stories such as the US Supreme Court.

Now,

Josh, the Supreme Court rulings crop up intermittently on this show.

I was reading an article by an Al Jazeera columnist, Belen Fernandez, who wrote this line.

It's that time of year again when the United States Supreme Court ruins everyone's summer with its sociopathic rulings.

And it's...

Which is a lovely line.

I mean, it's quite hard to add to that.

Can you just fill us in on exactly what

this crazy institution has been doing?

Technically, that is the facet of Hot Girl Summer.

The Supreme Court absolutely tearing apart civil liberties and making things worse.

So we had a flurry of rulings last week,

which is the worst combination in a Dairy Queen Blizzard rulings.

But

last week, the Supreme Court ruled, there are a couple that kind of feel like they really go together.

The Supreme Court ruled against affirmative action in many ways, including by race, but still allows legacy admissions, as many pointed out.

And the court struck down President Biden's plan to forgive student loan debt.

So I've come up with a compromise.

That's what I've been spending the last week doing, which is legacy admissions can still get into elite universities, but they then have to pay off everyone else's student loans.

Your dad's money got you into college, and it's going to get everyone else out of debt.

It's only fair.

Yeah, I think

that's a nice way to do it.

The court also ruled in favor of a web designer who didn't want to make a website for gay weddings.

Although, a designer refusing to work with gay weddings is a pretty clear sign they have a terrible sense of aesthetics, right?

Who wants a homophobic wedding website developer?

What do those websites look like?

Camo print background, barbed wire, tattoo, border?

Fortunately, there is a sensible way to appeal.

If you disagree with the decision of any Supreme Court justice, you can simply offer them a ride on your private jet to a lavish hunting retreat and discuss the matter with them there.

Although, if you own a private jet, you're definitely convinced that we live in a meritocracy, don't have student loans, and think the jetless among us can get f.

Now, I've read that some have said the Supreme Court has been, quotes, bending rules in favor of the already privileged.

So is this a rare example of a major political institution doing exactly what it was set up to do i mean i thought this is its founding principle isn't it

yeah it's got it's it's nine people with it's essentially 18 thumbs on the scale if that's how it that's the ideal way i think it would have worked out for the founding fathers is the full 18 thumbs we've got we had some dissent justice uh katanjay brown jackson uh voiced a really strong dissent in the affirmative action case and then some have pointed out that uh this this is exactly what you're talking about.

The web designer in question did not even get a request to design a website for a gay wedding.

They were just hypothetically so upset at the idea of having to put

Rich and Mike on top of a wedding website that they took it all the way to the Supreme Court.

Well, this is typical, isn't it, of anything to do with same-sex marriage?

And we've seen it, and I know, Tom, Australia legalised same-sex marriage after the United Kingdom.

And when you're being beaten by the United Kingdom in a race to do with social liberalism, you've got to take a long, hard bath with yourself as a nation.

But the people who always seem angriest about the idea of

same-sex weddings are always the people least likely ever to be invited to one, it seems.

Is it just basic jealousy?

Yeah, I think they just, you know, they're worried they're not going to be involved in the party.

But look, I respect this lady.

That is taking homophobia seriously.

Awkward.

But I guess the struggle for freedom continues.

For any people who want to get into colleges in the U.S., the Supreme Court has consistently ruled in favor of gun rights.

So when you go in for your interview for Harvard, I say just take a gun and then they won't see race at all.

They'll just be considering about some other things that might influence their decision.

That's just my solution for these problems.

That's what I offer, Andy, solutions.

Do you think now, I mean, looking at all this,

Josh, and Alexander Orcasio-Cortez said these are the type of rulings that signal a dangerous creep towards authoritarianism and centralization of power in the court.

I mean, who says politicians can't get things done?

And also, I'm not sure she's right.

Creep makes it sound like there's an element of sneaky subterfuge and not wanting to be seen.

This is an overt prance towards authoritarianism.

I think it's just

disturbing creep, I do think,

was just maybe a description of Justice Clarence Thomas or Justice Brick Kavanaugh.

There are a couple disturbing creeps on the court right now.

Is it starting to look like entrusting key legal rulings to a small group of people who are selected for life by a person who might be as mad, bad, and dangerous to know as Donald Trump or even worse, Donald Trump himself?

Is that an idea fraught with risk for whatever reason?

No, look, I think, like many Americans do, that our founding fathers are infallible and the decisions that they made 250 years ago,

that's relevant to modern life and shouldn't be revisited.

I do think, no, I think you're right.

I think we've got to check our balances because we have sincerely wrecked our balances.

Well, the president, Joe Biden, he seems to think it's like an aberration, and he describes the current Supreme Court as not a normal court, which seems quite bitchy to me.

Like, Supreme Court, why are you so weird?

You're such a freak.

Like, just give people rights.

You're finging weirdo.

Oh, my God.

But that is, that is like, yeah, yeah, President Biden.

It is not a normal court.

It's a normal court isn't nine infinitely powerful wizards.

Obviously, I should acknowledge that in Britain today, we're not in a great position to bang on about allowing one generation to vote on something that largely only affects their successors.

But anyway, the point has been made.

Moving on to Australia, Tom.

Now, as we in Britain all know, your country, Australia, was discovered by Captain Cook in the 18th century when he single-handedly, on behalf of human civilisation, built a modern nation founded on the complete eradication of worries and the level of tolerance for the mullet beyond all rational comprehension.

But some people are now claiming that there might have been people in Australia before Cook and the Brits turned up and turned

an arid wasteland into a hotbed of sporting excellence.

Is there any truth in this rumour?

And I understand the woke are trying to blast through some legislation that means that your parliament may have to at least pretend to pay attention to these people who claim they were there first.

Yes, look, it's a radical new theory that is being thrown around there, a new reading of Australian history, a history that can probably best summed up with the words yoink and the sound shh.

But we have basically come together as a country after a very long, painful process and they've come up with this idea.

First Nations people got together and said, hey, it might be nice to have this little voice put into the constitution that is made of First Nations people, elected by First Nations people, to tell government and the Parliament how best to approach the problems that affect us from all the yoinking and the shushing.

So later this year we're going to have a referendum to change the constitution to see whether that

body should be enshrined in the constitution, a First Nations voice to Parliament.

They've just passed the legislation through the Australian Parliament and between October and December at the end of this year, Australia will go to the polls and vote either yes or no.

And yes, I agree, I am the perfect person to be talking about this.

Middle-class white guy.

Don't worry everyone, I will be weighing into this debate.

It's what my people do, okay?

It's part of my culture.

That's a form of truth telling, but from a place of ignorance, okay, that's what we do.

I do have an Aboriginal boyfriend.

My boyfriend Harley is a Wakawaka man.

He's an Aboriginal man and he is my gay Aboriginal boyfriend.

I have a gay Aboriginal boyfriend, and that doesn't make me better than you, but it also does in a way.

If you don't have a gay Aboriginal boyfriend, two words, do better.

Okay,

you say you're focused on Black Lives Matter, I'm focused on black and white coming together every single day.

He is not exactly across all the details of the debate, though.

The other day, I asked my boyfriend, what do you think about this voice thing?

And he said, oh, are they still making that show?

It's still

going to take a little while for all the details to permeate the full culture.

But the debate is on.

The campaign is happening, and Australia is asking itself yes or no later this year, Andy.

It's very exciting.

And what are the sort of main arguments for and against that have been put by the various argumentees?

I would sum it up like this.

Yes says, come on, Jesus Christ.

And no says,

I think that lays out all the sort of nuance involved.

Look, there are people on the left who I'm sympathetic to who sort of say it's just an advisory body, it won't have any kind of veto power, won't be able to overrule parliament.

It actually doesn't give enough power to First Nations people to assert their sovereignty over their own country.

But there are people on the right who are saying we're all equal and everything's fine, and this would be terrible.

And the No campaign has started up in earnest.

It features all the figures from the Australian right.

They've all got together in one big team to mount this campaign.

They're basically the Avengers.

And

they've hit the headlines

trying to let us know exactly why

this would be a terrible idea.

The leader of our Conservative Liberal Party, Peter Dutton, has said that the voice will permanently divide Australia by race and will re-racialise the Australian Constitution, which kind of implies that at some point it was deracialised, which I think I must have missed that part.

Our Constitution still has section 25, which allows for states in Australia to ban certain races from voting.

And actually, Andy, you and I were talking about this before we started recording, and you have a list of races that you would like to deny in the right to vote.

Can you just write what were they again?

I'm sorry,

there were so many of them, I couldn't write them down.

It sounded like he was reciting, We Didn't Start the Fire with just nationalities and ethnicities.

It was pretty messed up.

Hopefully, Chris was recording there.

We should be able to put that into the phones.

It was nice that he made it rhyme.

Yep, we'll put it out as an actual girl someday.

But yes, the no campaign features some pretty interesting people from the Australian right.

A guy called Gary Johns, at a no campaign event a few months ago, suggested that intermarrying between Indigenous and non-Indigenous peoples was proof that reconciliation had been achieved, and therefore we didn't need the voice.

Yes, because people who are married to each other never fight or have any issues getting along whatsoever.

Former deputy PM

Barnaby Joyce, too, who's in the Nationals Party, he was quoted as saying, quite obviously, if someone gets more rights because of their race, then someone else gets less rights because of the colour of the skin or their race.

Which is a very offensive sentence, both morally and grammatically.

I'll give you a sense of exactly where the intellectual debate is at, I suppose.

Well, I guess if you're going to say something offensive, if you say it so incomprehensibly badly, it just knocks the top of it, doesn't it?

Makes it a bit more tolerable.

You can't get me in trouble for this opinion because you can't prove what it is.

In other Australian news,

well, exciting news for fans of, well, importing toxic substances to Australia.

Australia's trying...

trying to set it up as a world leader for the international trade of carbon pollution.

A report from the Global Carbon Capture and Storage Institute last year found that Australia could be, quotes, an anchor nation for this trade.

I think I heard the crowd at Lourdes supporting that view of Australia yesterday.

I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but it sounded very, very similar indeed.

I mean, you you must be very proud, Tom, that your country could become one of the great nations in the world for storing toxic substances under the sea.

You are an anchor.

Yes, I am very excited because we're one of the world's biggest exporters of fossil fuel emissions, right?

That means that we get rid of a lot of our emissions, we lose a lot of homegrown, true blue, dinky dye Australian emissions and we send them overseas.

So we really want to get more emissions back in Australia to serve the local emissions industries and just to support small emissions businesses and just to remind us how much we love emissions.

So we're bringing them in from Japan and Korea, who really make some of the best emissions in the world, this is my personal opinion.

And we're going to take those emissions and bury them in carbon and capture storage projects in local Australian waters underneath the sea.

What could possibly, possibly go wrong?

If nothing else, we will get a Godzilla movie out of this.

But we're basically becoming the storage king for the world's emissions.

It's pretty exciting.

Send us all your emissions.

We'll take them from anywhere.

We just signed the contract for American Farts.

They're all now going to be coming to Australia, which is great.

And all the hot air coming out of British Parliament is going to be pipelined directly.

Oh, that is

that is a hell of a burn.

So, the

restrictions were imposed around about 50 years ago

under a piece of

an agreement known as the London Protocol.

Now, I'd always assumed the London Protocol were the unwritten rules by which we in London agree never to acknowledge the existence of another human being whilst travelling on public transport.

But it turns out it's something to do with exporting

carbon pollution, carbon capture and storage.

I'm a bit skeptical of it.

I don't want carbon captured and stored.

I want to see carbon captured, tried in a court of law, and then fired into space as a warning to all the other chemical elements that want to destroy our way of life.

Josh, have you ever imported any large amounts of

pollution yourself?

Well, look,

I will say the amount of ice cream I eat

as an adult isn't personally lethal, but it is alarmingly close to the amount of ice cream I thought I would eat as an adult when I was a child, which that does contribute a fair amount to greenhouse gas emissions.

I think this is a bold move because when we talk about cap and trade, right?

Capping the amount of carbon you produce trading for offsets.

What we don't talk enough about is someone has to trade for that carbon, right?

If you're trading it away, someone's taking that carbon on.

So I think this answers that question.

I also think an undersea carbon retention facility is going to give us one hell of an episode of storage wars several years from now.

When they open that puppy up, I think people are going to be blown away.

But maybe this will give billionaires a new,

you know, kind of historical technological site to visit in their submersibles.

Strange times.

Strange times.

That story feels like it was 75 years ago and it was like nine days.

Brazil news now, and well, bad news are people,

and I know many of our bugle listeners are huge fans of Jaya Bolsonaro and are just waiting for the day in which he comes back to finish the job he started so heroically.

But unfortunately, judges in Brazil have banned.

Bolsonaro from running for office for eight years over, quotes, appalling lies that he told during the presidential election.

Now, I'm very concerned about this as a democracy fan, because you know, when a candidate for high office is not allowed to peddle the seat and mislead his electorate, what will our democracy have become?

What about the many millions of people who want to vote for someone who will lie to them?

You know, because as voters, we want the world to be as we want it to be, not as it is.

And we should be free to vote for politicians who can delude us, who can safeguard our prejudices and who can nurture our delusions.

And Bolsonaro is being banned from doing this by the woke legislature of Brazil.

Eight years, quite a long battle.

I haven't done this show for a little while.

When did we do the hard-right?

Sorry, I forgot to update you on that.

Sorry,

he had a word with the advertisers.

Do we have any advertisers?

No.

And yeah, well, you know, you've got to go where the money is.

Eight years.

He's trying to siphon off those Rogan listeners.

There's got to be some crossover on the Venn diagram, hasn't there?

Eight years

he's been banned for, which I think works out at around 0.43 seconds per lie that he's told during his political life.

I mean, this is.

I don't know if this means that we will maybe get a chance to vote for Bolsonaro in our countries if he will be able to...

Because this is only a ban for Brazil.

He could come over here and apply to be the new Boris Johnson in the United Kingdom, because Boris Johnson has been forced to step down as Boris Johnson here in London.

He could be running in the American presidential campaign next year, or even

he could,

I don't know if he'd bother, but I mean, he could become leader of Australia, Tom.

Well, I mean, he'd be very welcome.

He's got some fresh thinking.

We'd be excited.

Surely the Tories need to go through three more prime ministers before the next election.

Surely there's a few more

they could get involved within the UK.

But he's allowed to run again in Brazil when he's 75 in the year 2030.

So he'll just be a spring chicken there.

That's a little baby in terms of president years where the US is concerned.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, in the context of Joe Biden,

people here are thinking, well, let him get some experience first.

Have him live a little.

75?

You're going to run a whole country?

Maybe start with a lemonade stand.

I think it's great that the judiciary could just give you a timeout for run running for office just because you were naughty and you weren't taking the class seriously.

That's awesome.

So

I know we've shat a lot on the Supreme Court and the judiciary and unelected to old people, but if they're going to act like actual grandparents, I suppose, and say, cut it out, enough mucking around, sit in the naughty corner for eight years, Jaya, until you come back, you know what the truth is, I'd probably be much more amenable to their message.

And no screen time.

The ultimate punishment.

We had our Prime Minister in the Test Match Special Commentary Box this weekend.

He came in to do

the Saturday lunchtime interview

and I had to escape the room as quickly as possible.

So

yeah, but I don't know if he's quite a big cricket fan, which as indeed were his two immediate predecessors, which is slightly concerning.

Makes me think I might have chosen the wrong path in life.

Hang on, a super rich conservative f likes cricket?

It's the sport of the people.

And Andy, were you including Liz Truss in that list or like many people?

Oh, had you forgotten shitty?

Completely forgotten.

Oh, so it was Theresa May and

Johnson.

No, I had forgotten Liz Truss.

Do we know her stance on cricket?

Or was she truly not Prime Minister long enough that we know any of her opinions on things?

No, I don't think.

Yeah, I mean, I can assume she was wrong about that.

She's wrong about everything else, but you know, who knows.

Food news now, and well, we all eat food.

It's just one of the things that we have to do in life for whatever reason.

But the future of food could be very, very different.

According to a report,

we could have hyper-personalized diets bespoke.

to our individual nutritional needs and artificial intelligence could enable us to taste our takeaways virtually before we order them, which,

bearing in mind the quality of some of the takeaways near where I live in South London, could bankrupt the takeaway industry overnight.

There's also some tech being developed called Breathtech, which apparently gives a deep level of insight into the foods you should be eating.

I mean, we already have Breatht Tech essentially to give us that kind of advice that you should avoid mackerel and garlic.

So I don't know why we need tech to do that as well.

This technology could examine your personal psychology psychology and tell you what food.

Now for me this is good news because we have too much choice in food

these days, certainly in London.

There's hundreds and hundreds of options,

same in New York and Melbourne.

And I would love some piece of technology that tells me that I'm the kind of person that should order a Scandinavian red curry with gluten-free ethical ferret meat and a side order of Radavan's carrot sticks from a local despot-themed vegan restaurant and some chocolate and platypus marshmallows for dessert.

I'd love to have that difficult choice taken out of my hands and free myself up for more for writing my next right-wing rant for the bugle.

I mean,

are you excited by this future of food where

basically our thoughts will be subliminally read and food will be presumably downloaded directly into our gullets?

We already have this.

It's the brain.

The brain tells us what food we want to eat and then we go eat that food.

It's a really good system.

We've been working for ages.

Yeah, I have a couple problems with this.

Number one, they're saying like this technology, right, for a personally specific diet is on the horizon.

That's not true.

I'm already doing this.

The other night, I put hot sauce on some cold leftover pasta and kind of picked it with my fingers and dropped it directly into my mouth.

And I can say with full confidence, there's nobody out there eating like me.

That is an individualized diet.

There's nobody else doing that that night.

Does not compute.

Does not compute.

Yeah, take that robot.

Artificial intelligence doesn't have shit on me slightly buzzed coming home from a comedy show.

I can imagine that even with slight personal variations, this is the thing that really gets me.

There's slight personal variations, right?

Of course, person to person.

These diets will be largely fairly similar.

It'll be a lot of like fresh vegetables, lean proteins.

some whole grains.

Although, it would be amazing to be the one person on earth whose robot doctor is like, well, we've run the tests and we're putting you on a strict regimen of Cheetos and ice cream.

And we've actually got you on a Mountain Dew IV right now.

Good thing you caught this one.

You did.

You could have died without this.

I especially, though, I especially hate the idea of tasting your takeout before it arrives.

The best part.

of the day when you order takeout is anticipating the takeout and to take that away from us to just be like here's what it is before it even arrives that

what are we living for what are we doing

finally some stupid auction news and we do like to keep our listeners up to date with some of the stupidest things humans have spent money on and at auction in the last week or so a handbag has been sold for £50,000, which sounds ridiculous enough in itself.

But this handbag is smaller than a grain of salt.

It is a microscopic handbag, and someone has paid 63,000 US dollars for it.

It is another entry in the list of things future generations will find out about us and come to the conclusion that we fing deserved everything we got as a species.

£50,000 for a handbag so small, you would probably need to spend several million pounds developing a microscopic dog to carry around in it.

What have we become as a species?

I mean, is this, I mean, this has got to be one of the most ludicrous stuff.

Have you ever bought anything that ridiculous at an auction, either of you?

Well, this the idea that it was sold at auction is what's really special to me because it means there was somebody that was willing to pay £45,000 for it and someone else that said, No, I must have this handbag.

I need a way to carry around my one-quarter of one grain of salt.

And it's simply getting lost in my normal-sized handbags so far.

This has to be the worst wedding anniversary gift of all time.

Just

a husband going, no, honey, I got you something really special.

Oh, where did I put it again?

Oh, don't worry about that.

It's 700 micrometers across, sold by the art collective MSCHF, which is

based in Brooklyn.

Do you live in Brooklyn, Josh?

I can't remember.

I do live in Brooklyn.

This feels very brilliant.

MSCHF, they also did those big red boots that you saw everywhere for about a week.

Yeah.

so they're really into either they have the worst taste of any collective of artists in the world or they just love pranking rich people.

And I hope it's the second one.

How do you know that when you buy

a handbag this small, that they even give it to you?

How about this?

How about this?

For 25,000 pounds, I'll give you a handbag that's half as big.

What do you think about that?

Just give me the money, just wire it to me, put it in my Venmo, and then I'll just, I'll make sure you get that handbag delivered.

I'll send it in a UPS envelope that will seem empty, but will contain £25,000 worth of merchandise.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle.

Thank you very much for listening.

If you're cricket fans, do listen to the Bugle Ashes Zoltzkars running daily on the morning of each test match day for the rest of the England v Australia series.

Plenty of other shows in the Bugle stable as well, including the goggle with Alice Fraser.

Anything to plug, Tom?

Oh, gee-wiz, yes, I'd love people to watch a TV show I'm in called Deadlock, which is on Prime Video, streaming worldwide.

The final episode is out this week, 8 of 8.

I play Sven, the terrible police officer.

So it's not fed up that I'm a cop.

I'm a cop, okay?

I'm on the side of

the people.

Please don't hate me.

And yes, people in Montreal, I'm coming to do my show.

It is I for two nights at the Just Last Festival at the end of July.

And I'm in Edinburgh for the fringe at the Monkey Barrel for the whole bloody month, 6.10 p.m.

at the Monkey Barrel.

It is I.

So many tickets available.

It's actually unbelievable.

So please come along.

And then you're in London in September.

Oh, sorry, yes.

Yes, a few shows in Soho Theatre too as well.

I don't think they're on sale yet off the top of my head, which is also probably an issue that I should follow up on.

But

we'll definitely be doing it there.

Don't you worry about that, London.

Josh?

Oh, so I write a newsletter every week called That's Marvelous.

It comes out on Mondays.

You can get it joshgondelman.substack.com.

That keeps you abreast of all the other things I'm doing.

I'm on a fairly extensive American tour that is modestly, sensibly routed.

So I'm going through next week, through

San Diego, San Jose, Los Angeles, Sacramento, not in that order.

Arizona, Phoenix area the next week.

I'm going through DC soon.

That's the only one that's almost sold out.

This is not like when Taylor Swift goes on tour.

You go to Ticketmaster, you will have no frustration getting tickets to my shows.

You're not going to have to wait for two hours.

That's another Josh Gondelman promise.

You click purchase, you get those tickets.

Tooth sweet.

So, and a bunch of other stuff.

JoshGondelman.com slash schedule, and I'm all over the place for the next few months.

I'm very excited about it.

You can hear me banging on about the cricket on Test Match special for much of the next few weeks and we will be announcing a couple of live bugle shows for later in the year as soon as they have been confirmed in London.

Thank you for listening buglers until next week.

Goodbye.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.