Know Your Place, Serfs

The Bugle, Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

Hello Buglers, and welcome to issue 4261 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world.

I am Andy Zaltzmann and this is a very special bugle because all other world news is as nothing this week to the official god-slathered divinely primped history carving ensconcement of Charles III as our feudal overlord and master for all eternity this coming Saturday here in London.

So this entire bugle is devoted to the re-establishment of feudalism in every soul.

of both the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth.

Represented on this week's bugle, well, representing the United Kingdom,

we have Mark Steele.

Mark, I know throughout your career, you've been a slavish adherent of monarchy in all its forms.

Some say too slavish, but I think that the most important news of the week is whether or not the fourth valet of the equerry of the fifth constable of the Dover Dragoon Battalion Guards of the Sunderland Infantry of the Ninth Moratorium of the 16th masturbating hedgehog,

of the Knight Order of the Grand Pelican, of the Commonwealth, and all its subsequent subsidiary elements of interplanetary, visionary, perpendicular, transformatory chandeliers will be stood behind or before the 15th.

the 15th Marmaduke of the Earl of Connecticut

or just one pace to his left.

Right.

You know, and

I'm very much with the tradition on this.

I might pop half thanks, Andy.

I think that's all we have time for now.

There you go.

Well, there you hear the voice of the Commonwealth from Australia.

A lifelong supporter of the establishment in all its many forms and a particular love of

having a head of state from 13,000 miles away.

It's Tom Ballard.

Hello, Mr.

Saltzman.

Thank you ever so much for having me on your podcast.

I can't believe it.

Me and all the other children are so excited about the big day.

I've been saving up my pennies to donate to the monarchy so they can afford some more jewels.

It's just an honour to be involved in it.

Hello, it's great to have you back.

It's been quite a while since you last did the bugle You've been very busy.

Oh, we had our beef.

We had a famous public beef and which we won't go into it now, but it was pretty toxic.

And if people read the sun, they know what went down and they know what you f ⁇ ing did.

And they know that you apologise, then I'm the bigger man.

I'm pretty sure.

Was it

a bit Johnny Depp and Amber, whatnot?

I thought it was quite the same.

Was one of you shit in the other one's bed?

Well,

who's to say?

You know?

That's still subdue to say.

And decided idiot anyway, so we can't go into it.

History will be the judge.

Anyway, it's great to have you back.

Tom, water under the bridge.

We are recording on the 1st of May 2023.

Unlike most UK-based broadsheet newspapers, we will only be devoting a mere 98% of this issue of our audio newspaper to the coronation and the elevation to constitutional godhood of our Overlord and Master, his Stratospheric Highness Hyper King Mega Charles.

With the well, so

we're looking not at at the 1st of May when we're recording, but the 6th of May when the coronation will be taking place.

And I should also say that, you know, we do always have a section in the bin on the bugle.

The entire coronation section can be thrown straight in the bin where it belongs.

But that is most of the section.

So that's what you're getting as your section in the bin this week.

But why did they choose the 6th of May?

Well, a number of reasons.

Firstly, it's not the 30th of January when Charles I was executed in 1649.

That's now considered an inauspicious date for kings called Charles to be milling around London amongst big crowds.

Also, they chose the 6th of May so it didn't clash with the World Snooker final, as we record, halfway through, tantalisingly poised at nine frames to eight to Luca Brezsel over Mark Selby, who scored the first maximum break in the final of the World Snooker Championship.

So you can see why the monarchy didn't want to go up against such a major event as that.

Also on the 6th of May, we had proof of the magickness of British monarchs in the year 1840 when it was discovered on the 6th of May 1840 that if you drew the face of a monarch on a piece of paper, stuck it on another piece of paper and wrote where you wanted that piece of paper to get to, it would magically appear there a short time later.

Hence the invention of the stamp.

These pieces of paper were quickly named of course after Saint Ampulius, the patron saint of taking bits of paper from one place to another.

And on this day in 1915, George Herman Ruth, a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, hit his first major league home run.

He went on to hit over 700 more and become known as the Babe.

And Charles, of course, is known as the Babe monarch.

He's aged just 74, making him the youngest monarch the UK has had for more than two decades.

So that's why they've chosen

the 6th of May.

So now it's time for our full bugle coronation preview, also known as Know Your Fing Place, Serfs.

It's a very exciting time,

Mark and Tom, particularly as we have all been cordially invited to take part in the coronation, which is usually beyond ordinary people such as us, but we've all been invited to join a chorus of millions in swearing allegiance to not only the king, but his heirs for all time.

Now, I know this has been stated that this is optional, Mark, but I know that you will be down on your British knees paying homage to the King on Saturday.

Yeah.

Well, I was going, I was offered a place

just behind Emmanuel Macron

and just to the right of Kim Yong

North Korea.

And, but, and then someone's, no, this is true, someone's offered me a ticket for Tottenham Palace that afternoon.

So, I've

put my ticket on

via go-go

and you know hoping to make four or five million from it who knows who's gonna buy it

i might just give it away and sort of raffle it and see if like terry from bermondsey goes all right all right charlie shun

give camilla one for me

that sort of thing yeah uh i right my

however much you uh however much you try and lampoon the pageantry

can you get as far as this bit of reality

two splinters have you seen this two splinters deemed to be from the actual cross upon which

jesus christ our lord and savior was crucified

1990 years ago

are said to be placed in a Welsh cross which is going to be brought into the abbey during the ceremony and they have been personally handed over by the

splinters from the actual

you

someone came in and went look what i've bought two splinters from the actual who sold you that

in the market in the market this

80 grand for two splinters not bad is it?

Also, I mean, when you're being crucified, the last thing you want on top of the nails and the crucifixion is splinters as well.

I mean, that's that's exactly what I mean.

Exactly, and uh, I think the pope, you know, clearly the pope's at some point now going

the pope could have believed it

and a bit insulting, I think, given that the crucifixion, you know, if Jesus is looking down upon us now, if you're of a Christian faith and you believe that, then I think Jesus would be going, don't take the piss, that crucifix hurt, you insensitive bastards.

And of course, on top of that, it is absolutely clear what the Romans would have done with the crucifix, having just used it to

murder someone they saw as a threat and a dissident to their regime.

What they would have done is thought, even though we've murdered him, there's no need in being insensitive.

let's preserve all the wood

because it might be that in 2000 years time someone will want a couple of splinters from that to assist in their ceremony of a country that worships the bloke we've just crucified

And over 2,000 years, the splinters have somehow been preserved like wood always does last 2,000

years.

Famously.

Wouldn't they have done more crucifixions on that same cross?

I didn't realize it was like

people finishing a TV show and people got used to broke off

sections of the crucifix and took them home to keep them forever.

Surely they had more crucifying to do.

You know, he wasn't the only one.

Yeah, but they would have stopped at some point.

Yeah.

Splinters, get your splinters.

Original Jesus crucifix splinters here.

Tom,

will you be swearing allegiance to the king as the chorus of millions strikes up around the world?

It's a really good question, Andy.

Let me think about this.

I don't think so.

No, I really appreciate the call.

I hear that, and I respect that.

It's really nice to be involved in this.

I will be saying the coronation will be happening around about 9 p.m.

on a Saturday night here at Australia.

So, chances are we won't be saying, oh, God save the queen, we love him.

We'll be saying things like, more alcohol, please.

Or, how about this football tournament?

Or the monarchy is a load of old anachronistic, anti-democratic horse shit, isn't it?

Or, wow, this comedian Tom Ballard that we've booked tickets to see live is really top-notch and people should come see him at the Edinburgh Fridge.

That's the kind of thing people will be saying in Australia, right?

Will you be doing a show during that time?

Will you be on stage?

Yeah, probably.

Oh, yeah, I am actually.

I just booked in, actually.

Yeah, I'll be on stage.

Assuming it'll be deserted, no one will turn up.

Everyone will be gathering around large screens in public spaces, celebrating and jerking themselves off.

So, yeah.

Oh, the traditional Australian.

But it's a reverential way.

Come on.

Jerk yourself off.

He's walking about.

We reckon we've got about four minutes till he gets to the door.

You've got to jerk yourself off before he gets outside.

Otherwise,

it's disrespectful.

I have the oath here that the Archbishop is going to encourage people to get involved with.

And if you want to hear this, they're going to say, all who so desire in the Abbey and elsewhere say together, I swear that I will pay true allegiance to your majesty and to your heirs and successors according to law.

So help me, God.

We accept him, one of us.

We accept him, one of us.

Google Gobble, one of us.

All work and no play makes King Charles a dull boy.

All hail, imperial, incest, grandpa.

Work makes you free.

Gentlemen to evil.

That's apparently what they want us to say.

So, I mean, this is, you know, it is going to be a chorus of millions paying homage.

I was intrigued by the wording of this.

You say, I like that bit.

You say, say, y'all, so I'll pay true allegiance to your majesty and to your heirs and successors according to law.

So help me, God.

Those are the words that struck me because, you know,

if you are swearing to pay allegiance to the as-yet unborn children of a currently nine-year-old boy, I think you probably do need divine assistance.

So those words, help me, God, I think, are the most

apposite.

He will be, apparently, there's a number of new things in the ceremony.

The king himself is going to pray out loud for the first time, which is good because we're going to know what he's actually praying for um and in what language um although of course

hang on isn't it like a birthday wish if you say it out loud and people find out doesn't it not come true

that might be

that's the problem with with with prayers actually

and i don't know the and in westminster abbey i don't know what the what the stats on prayers there are i think it's only around about i don't know six percent of prayers said in westminster abbey actually get answered by god so um we'll see if that's uh if he can

it must be like a call center now.

There must be because the population of the earth is so much more than when it was when all this stuff started in biblical times.

It must be like, oh, they must be just going everywhere, mustn't they?

People your prayer is important to us.

Yeah, yeah, please, Jesus.

Yeah, you are number 7254 in a queue.

Sake,

the guinea pig's just going to have to die, I'm afraid, darling.

The service will be Christian.

It will be a Christian service, as always, but it will involve religious leaders from other faiths, excitingly, including Druids, Satanists, Jedi, Scientologists, scientists.

That's all hocus-pocus, if you ask me, Crystal Palace fans, and Boris Johnson, whose faith in his own divinity is arguably the purest and most fundamental religious force ever unleashed on these isles.

This was, I thought it was interesting.

The king is going to

receive a greeting from Jewish, Hindu, Sikh, Muslim, and Buddhist leaders, and the Buddhist leaders are expected to perform their ancient tradition of sucking on his tongue, which is a sign of great respect in Buddhism.

So I think that'll make a beautiful visual.

Well, because in a previous life, King Charles was a lollipop.

So

the Dalai Lama will be quite within his rights to give him a lick.

In fact, the hit song, My Boy Lollipop, by

Millie.

Yeah.

That was written about

the young Prince Charles.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, ABC himself, who, of course, is the eponymous star of the famous Jackson Five song, ABC, about the head of the Anglican Church and his devotion to the Holy Trinity.

He said that the coronation would recognise and celebrate tradition, as well as containing, quotes, new elements that reflect the diversity of our contemporary society.

So presumably that diversity includes monarchy sceptics.

So look forward to

the entrance of

the Republicans and the feudalism sceptics for their ceremonial call of bullshit and a new part of the coronation that shows how the institution is able to adapt and evolve to the modern world.

You think he believes in God, the Archbishop of Canterbury?

He seems like

quite a thoughtful chap.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think he sort of sits there and says,

every night and goes, Oh, is this not all bollocks?

I'm in too deep now.

I can't retrain.

I've got no transferable skills.

It will be very modern.

There's going to be female clergy will be involved in the service for the first time after the Church of England allowed women to become bishops in 2014.

That is, of course, the year when women prove themselves worthy.

You know, fair play.

They put in a lot of hard work, they lifted their bishop game, and they were finally rewarded in 2014, which just goes to show, ladies, you can do it too.

And I think it's a great.

I know that Andy was opposed to that decision, but I think it's worked out.

And I think, let's just wait and see how it goes for this coronation, Andy, and just reserve your judgment until you see the ladies up there doing their thing, okay?

Right.

I'll be as open-minded as I possibly can.

The Archbishop of Canterbury will proclaim God save the King, at which point everyone will have to respond, God save King Charles, long live King Charles, may the King live forever.

Now, I mean, this is Brexit Britain written all over.

If nothing else defines us in the 21st century, it is our continual willingness to set ourselves delusional and unattainable goals.

And, you know, even, I mean, look at the evidence.

Even though, is that true?

Yeah, may the king live forever.

Yeah, but

have we learned nothing from Greek mythology?

The Eos and Tithanus myth?

You know, you don't wish someone eternal life without also wishing them eternal youth.

I mean, he's already, you know, a saggy-faced 74-year-old.

If he lives forever, it's, I mean, the coins are going to be a fucking nightmare aside from anything.

How do you get that much wrinkle on a coin?

I'm not sure.

I'm just not even sure it's possible.

What's going to be cool, though, is if you're watching the coronation on a screen, at that point, you say, May the king live forever, then a sports bet option will pop up, and you can actually place a bet

on whether or not you think Charles is going to make it to Christmas.

So I think that's it.

Wayne Winston.

Is he going to live forever?

Go on, have a bet.

Push them out with you.

You've got 10 quid in your pocket.

Go on.

What's coming up on the screen now?

I guess in a way, though, being a monarch is quite equivalent to eternal youth, in that you never have to do your own cooking.

You have people helping you get dressed.

You don't have to go out and get a proper job.

And when you dress up in fancy dress, people go, oh, how sweet, rather than calling you an idiot.

So that's essentially what it is.

So in Australia, Tom,

what's the state of the monarchy?

Because the last referendum on whether to retain your medieval feudal overlords was what, in the 1990s, is that right?

1999, yes.

Yes, Australia was given the chance to replace the Queen as our head of state.

We would have a president, but the model was terrible because the model would be chosen by Parliament, you know, the universally popular

institution of Parliament, and the Prime Minister could remove the President at any point, at his own whim.

So it was, of course, put to the people by ultra-conservative constitutional monarchist John Howard as an election promise.

He said, Yeah, I guess we can have the vote, and of course, did everything he could to shoot it in the face.

And now here we are.

I mean, how long do you think it'll be before there's sort of a you know, unstoppable momentum towards at least another vote?

Is that coming?

I think maybe two or three centuries.

I think that's when Australia will really sort of start to.

We couldn't get rid of plastic bags, okay?

We can't get rid of the money.

We couldn't get rid of neighbors, all right?

Neighbours had a 37-year run, and it came to an end.

And we said, Okay, bye, neighbours, time for something new.

And then Amazon came in and said, No, we need some more neighbors.

It needs to keep going forever.

COVID.

You're still hanging on to COVID when the rest of the world's running about quite happy.

We like hanging on to things around the world.

Yeah, yeah, that's the way we work.

Well, we're just amazed at all the incredible regalia.

Like, you know, I think

support for the monarchy went up when the queen died, I believe.

People just do love the pomp and circumstance.

They love all that kind of magical, mystical Game of Thrones shit.

And the stuff that they're going to be presenting the king with at this thing: the sovereign's orb, the sovereign's scepter, the sword of temporal justice, the stone of destiny, the oven mitts of righteousness, the belly button ring of dominance, the slippers of nonserie, the sunglasses of caution, and of course the skull of Barry Humphreys, I believe, will be presented to the king.

Oh, it's all starting to make sense now.

Yes.

Yes, and he won't appreciate any of it, will he?

So much as a bloody unwrap.

I'll tell you what, they should.

With the Republicans, they should introduce a new tradition.

I think the coronation should be like a wedding.

And there should be a point where the Archbishop says, if anyone objects to this coronation, speak now or forever hold your peace.

And every Republican across the Commonwealth can say, f off, this sucks.

And then you'll get various people like Liz Truss will go, I'm so insulted.

We've only been invited to the evening event.

well i guess that's you know they said they say you know part of this this oath people around the world will be asked to cry out and swear you just need to end it there before adding the words allegiance to the king and you've got you've got your opportunity to

express yourself are you getting a day off at least you have a long weekend oh yeah yeah yeah

i mean and that's that's essentially why we keep the monarchy so we get occasional extra days off i mean that's that's that's really all the british public wants is the promise of more uh bank holidays.

Yeah, you get it.

There'll be lots of them.

They'll replace all the other ones and they'll all be monarchy related.

So there'll be

the day that the new

that Prince George has his first shit, not in a nappy.

That'll be a bank holiday.

He's nine.

I'm sorry.

I only know that because I had to look it up for the bit I did earlier on about him being named.

Sorry, I'm so sorry to have insulted the moniker.

That probably, I probably could be executed for treason

for not knowing he was nine.

Well, that's the other thing, it on.

It's been, I don't know how much this has been true in Australia, but here the big story up until now with it has been,

is Arian Megan coming?

Is Arian Megan coming?

She's not coming, she shouldn't be allowed to come.

The little huzzy, who does she think she is coming over here and marrying our prince, not knowing how to curtsy, probably the old four,

all of that.

So, uh, and that's just the guardian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, pretty much.

And Prince Andrew is going, definitely Prince Andrew.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course he's got to go.

Oh, my lordy loo.

Yeah.

And there will be staff from the NHS.

I thought this was really nice touch.

They're setting up stands outside Buckingham Palace to inviting people to come and watch it, including veterans and NHS staff.

And I think that'll, that won't be awkward at all.

It'll be like, yes, NHS nurses, we don't have enough money to pay you properly for your vital work.

What we can do is give you free tickets to watch an old man and a woman ride past you waving in a golden carriage before he is showered in jewels.

What do you think?

What do you reckon?

Well,

the workers.

The whole coronation procession is going to be a more accurate reflection of 21st century Britain.

The king, as he drives through the streets thronged with his subjects, will hold out his crown from the golden carriage so people can put their small change in it to mirror the the flow of wealth towards the already wealthy by which this country is now defined.

The Red Arrows

aerial acrobatics team, they will fly over and leave smoke trails in red, white and blue spelling out the words suck it up plebs.

So, I mean it is it is very much a more modern movement.

Is there going to be an invasion of somewhere to mark the day?

You hope so but I imagine.

Norway or something like that or

they probably haven't announced where it's going to be yet.

Otherwise you lose the element of surprise tactically, don't you?

So, I guess we'll have to wait.

There they go.

I know, it's all done.

There they are.

There's the third equary now,

firing a flamingo from a cannon.

And

that marks the RAF's invasion, and now we can reveal where it is.

There it is.

We're going to invade Belgium.

There it goes.

I'm quite surprised by the recent opinion polls and so on that suggest that there is a very steep decline in support for the monarchy right uh originally when the queen carped it it went up but now it's it's gone the other way i think

that was you know this was the subject of a phone in on radio five last night because i mean if you know support for the monarchy does drop below 50 during the service there will have to be a president installed instead on the spot um so i don't know who that

I don't know who that I love that I've watched

I've watched a fair bit of the the crown and they're always talking about opinion polls and what does the public think.

Why do you give a shit?

This is not a democratic process.

You literally rule over all of them.

They're your subjects.

Why do you give a shit about their opinions?

Come on.

Lean in.

There'll be some wonderful merch as there always is on these occasions.

There's a special gold £74 coin being minted to commemorate the king's age.

And emblazoned on this coin, three Latin words chosen by King Charles to represent his values and his status, to mark his devotion to the institution of monarchy, the word in Latin for crown, that's corona.

Then the word for with power, acknowledging his God-given right to rule over us, that's the ablative of the word vis, so that's vis, and to signify his love of the rural life, the British countryside and the environment, the Latin word for countryside, rus.

So those coins should absolutely fly off the shelves.

And looking in further detail now, we've received exclusive information on exactly what the ceremony will involve.

Of course, a key part

is the Apologia Incenserita.

That's a procession of peoples that the king will be ceremonially asked to apologise to on behalf of the nation for historic wrongs perpetrated by Britain.

He will then hold up his hand in symbolic refusal and extend the middle finger of destiny, whereupon the congregation will all shake their heads.

Charles will, contrary to some rumours, sadly not become the first king to lead the coronation congregation in a rendition of Gloria Gaynor's 1978 hit, I Will Survive.

However, the Westminster Abbey organists will play a specially arranged special arrangement of Groove is in the heart by D-Light as the recessional.

The rehearsal for the coronation procession is traditionally done using a stand-in look-alike of the new monarch, who is then humanely euthanized in order to avoid that person sharing the secrets of what goes on behind the scenes when the Archbishop of Canterbury and the monarch disappear behind a special screen for some weird arcane part of the ceremony that no one's ever allowed to see, talk about or think about.

And the king will of course receive his crown whilst kneeling upon the sacred cushion of the thatch.

The filling of the cushion uses hair from every monarch since Ethelberth of the Uncertain in 926 AD.

The hair is traditionally taken from the monarchs.

That cannot possibly be true.

The

key part, of course, of the coronation is the official snivelling.

That's part of the coronation dating back to the time of Edward I.

It will be performed this year by Conservative peer Viscount Platterstone, who was voted the most obsequious member of the House of Lords in a hotly contested contest.

The tradition, of course, began when Edward I offered land and grazing rights in what is now Wimbledon to the nobleman who paid him the most fulsome tribute on occasion of his coronation in 1924.

That was where what was then known as the Central Court took place and the tennis screen eventually built up around it.

Viscount Platterstone will snivel before the king whilst holding beneath his chin the solid gold droulard de Monroy to catch any droplets of of saliva that should fall from his ennobled lips.

During the snivel, the snivel itself will consist of a specially written poem by Platystone himself about Kim's sumptuous cheeks.

And the traditional Liste Complimentaire de Magnificence du Roi Nouveau, composed, of course, by 14th-century courtier Alphonse de Grovel,

which has praised every incoming monarch since Richard II in 1377.

The list of compliments in the Liste Complementaire include praise for the new monarch's wisdom, mercy, justice, sweetness of breath, perfection of posture, tight glutes, riptabs, and phenomenal natural rhythm.

We will also have, of course, the traditional measurement of the royal hapendaggio in which the royal, in which the coroner T, Charles, will have his trousorial membrano and testruccios officially measured and weighed by the Bishop of Waltzbury.

This, of course, will take place for the first time since 1937.

Will this be the year that Henry II's records are finally broken?

Sadly, we'll never know as the results are not made public.

And of course, the plaster cast remains secreted away in the family vault at Windsor.

One interesting...

How are they going to fit all this into two hours Eddie?

It's going to be a nightmare.

Oh I can't wait to watch this.

One interesting aspect of this year's ceremony is of course Camilla who has been made queen contrary to expectation and slightly controversially and in fact Charles and Camilla will be ceremonially fused

into a single transgender pan-monarch to be referred to as Their majesty, which is a concession to the woke community of the Commonwealth.

Due to a mix-up, the committee for organising the coronation of the king, also known as the

committee, the committee failed to put the buglers to toot brassly during the king's entrance to the Abbey.

Instead, this episode of the Bugle will be played out on the public address system in Westminster Abbey.

And of course, finally, the big speculation centres around what hand signal Charles will waggle at his adoring nation from the Buckingham Palace balcony.

Will he go for a heart sign, a Hawaiian shaker, the sign of the horns, double thumbs up like his hero the Fons, formerly, of course, Lord Fontroy, or will he do a traditional wound-up, gradually wound-up middle finger, which had a different meaning, of course.

That comes symbolic of King Alfred pulling the holy sword excalibur from out of Stonehenge whilst hiding in a tree.

All these traditions coming together gloriously on a significant moment for modern Britain.

And they would, they would, the commentator would treat all of that with utmost re

there's the testicular cast

being brought in

by the fourth

paedophile of Harpy Corp.

There they go now,

lower down

setting fire to the badgers

the the uh lord provost of oswestry there placing the firework up the dolphins arse

in a dance as old as time

showing britain that it there it goes

and the australians are masturbating now and are ejaculating as the crowd

synchronize

and the queen can uh the new queen can watch that across from it's with uh from satellite pictures from space as they masturbate across australia

spelling the words long

live the queen across the desert

with

with the eye the dot of the eye being the ass rock at the top there

what a wonderful picture it is wonderful picture it and as the world burns and children continue to live in poverty the golden jewels is given to the man who has billions of dollars in real estate and we celebrate this tradition i did but my in-town series last year i went to the isles of silly

uh which was

just an utterly glorious sort of

few days I'd out there and one of the things that I was absolutely astonished with this is

they absolutely hate him there

because the Isles of Scilly is still, I don't quite know exactly how this works.

Obviously, the whole of Cornwall is the Duchy of Cornwall, which is sort of owned by Charles.

But the Isles of Scilly is owned by him in a different way.

So that

if you want any

substantial work done on your house like a loft version or something, you have to apply to the Duchy of Cornwall.

And quite often, the permission is refused.

And if

a number of people told me this, and I couldn't believe it, but it went out in the programme and nobody could play.

So I think it's true that

if the value of your house goes up

by any substantial amount, then part of the increased value has to be paid to King Charles.

The Isles of Silly is spelled with a C after the S as little islands off the extreme southwestern tip of

Cornwall, whereas you might think

the Isles of Scilly is just a more appropriate name for the United Kingdom.

The other thing,

this is my favourite thing about the Isles of Scilly.

Because there's only a couple of thousand people there on five different islands.

So if the boat doesn't come, then you just go without.

And the boat doesn't come on a Sunday, so there's no Sunday papers.

And someone told me that they were in the news agents one Sunday, and there was a holidaymaker in the news agent in front of them who said to the news agent, I'll have a daily paper, please.

And the news agent said, Do you want today's or yesterday's?

And he went, he said, today's.

So he went, we're going to have to come back tomorrow.

Well, we will have a full exclusive review of the coronation and any major changes to the nation that are brought about by our spiritual, maybe even sexual awakening during the coronation on Saturday

next week.

Other news now.

Well, it's not just the coronation of a 74-year-old man that's making news around the world.

If you were one of those people who've been thinking recently, tell you what, the ordinary people of Sudan have had it too good for too long, then you'll have enjoyed the last week or so.

And if you're also one of those people who've been thinking we need to balance out the Ukraine shimmer with a nice big civil war in the third biggest country in Africa, again, great times.

It does seem that civil war is erupting in Sudan.

Not for the first time, a ongoing spat between the army and the rapid support forces paramilitary group.

It's a tough one as a neutral.

Not sure who to root for.

It follows a classic pattern.

The president was ousted in 2019.

There was a military coup in 2021.

Now two rival military forces have been trying to share power.

Sadly, the everyone lived happily ever after and peace and harmony bit of the story has once again not materialized for whatever reason.

Just bad luck, generally.

I mean, it continues a bit of a...

a bad run for Sudan since becoming an independent nation in the mid-1950s after several decades of, shall we call it, involvement by a certain European imperial,

can we say partner?

Since then, Sudan has gone through the First Sudanese Civil War, the Second Sudanese Civil War, the South Sudanese Civil War, the war in Darfur, and various other conflicts, including the 35 years and still going Lord's Army Resistance Insurgency.

So in around 67 years of independence Sudan has already had roughly 115 years of conflict.

So the poetry must be sensational but I imagine most people are probably wearying of it.

It's, I mean it is,

I guess, another one of those stories that it's probably best not to think too hard about because the implications are f ⁇ ing terrifying, aren't they?

Where these things usually sort themselves out.

Thanks for that little assumption tomorrow.

I don't like sticking my nose in other people's affairs, you know.

Until they call me and ask me to sort it all out, I feel like they're people probably locally best placed to get involved in to resolve what you described as a spat.

And I'm pretty sure there are some people with some more expertise closer to the action than me.

I don't know anything.

I know so little about Sudan or what's happening there at the moment.

South Sudan is an independent country now, isn't it?

So,

are they part of this?

I don't know.

Like, Tom, I don't know too much of the details.

I mean, they're really striking.

This is brilliant.

This is what the news should be like.

When they have the news tonight, they can go, Well,

many of us have seen the appalling pictures from Sudan and are greatly moved by it with us now to discuss it as a group of experts.

So, what do you think has caused this?

Do you know what?

I haven't really paid any attention because now also is

Professor of Central african studies uh

arnold bitcherman what do you so south sudan is that involved it oh that completely slipped my mind in south sudan i not the foggiest idea well you say this mark but last week soella bravman our our home secretary or to give her a full title our home secretary for whatever reason um she was asked in uh a home affairs select committee meeting if she could explain how a hypothetical teenage orphan fleeing persecution could legally arrive in the UK to claim asylum.

And she's the Home Secretary and she could not say how asylum seekers could enter the UK legally.

She

couldn't answer how many judicial reviews have been launched against the Manston Migrant Centre.

And she wasn't entirely sure whether migrants could then be forced to go to Rwanda under her shit-for-brained scheme.

So

this culture culture of ignorance, really, that is

instilled by from the very, very top.

It's part of our national culture that even the Home Secretary, who has responsibility over the issue of migration and has ruled out safe routes for asylum seekers from Sudan because, I don't know, look over there, there's a brightly coloured pheasant.

Even she could not answer with any degree of accuracy.

So, you know, this sort of ignorance of the brief brief is that's a part of our national culture.

For her to say, to her to have the faintest idea how someone from Sudan could claim legally asylum in this country, despite that being pretty central to a brief as home secretary, for her to offer any answer

to that would be as surprising as if you had a hamster on university challenge and it answered a whole series of questions about 19th century chemistry

while simultaneously railing against Mopus and explaining how Mocus is responsible for all the questions that you got wrong

but in terms of the evacuation of

expat communities in in Sudan there were there

is no global issue that cannot be reduced to an argument between European countries.

And

Germany and France accuse Britain of hampering their efforts to extract their their civilians.

There have been complaints from Sudanese people whose passports were locked in Western countries' embassies in Sudan that had just been abandoned when everyone left, leaving them stuck in

a war zone.

So I mean, even though Europe has, I guess we can fairly say, scaled back its involvement in

areas such as Sudan, we still manage to find ways of things up in whatever way we possibly can.

Yeah, yeah, quite.

I would imagine that when Suella Bravman finds out that Sudan's in Africa, she'll go, Well, isn't Rwanda around there somewhere?

Can't they just walk straight there rather than come all the way here and then be sent back there?

It's me, me, me, me, me, isn't it?

I think we might have to edit that bit out, Mark, because if they hear it, that that will become policy.

So

policy.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Beagle.

As I said, we will have a full review of the coronation next week.

In the meantime, Mark, have you got any shows to plug?

Live or...

Oh, yeah, yeah, but I'm sort of live on Tom.

Where am I doing that you can come to?

Brighton

on the 3rd of June.

Come to that.

Theatre Royal

and oh, where else?

Lancaster.

So where have I got left?

I don't know.

You might have to look it up.

Swindon.

That's a huge place.

I won't fill that up.

I'm in not the whole of.

I'm doing it.

Yeah, they put me in for the whole of Swindon.

I might fill up the first seven streets, but there's some estates at the back of Swindon, you know, heading out more towards sort of Hungerford on

the east side.

Right.

That does suggest that they're evacuating Swindon to allow you to do your gig.

Yeah, yeah, no, it's very nice of them.

Oh, where else?

Croydon, this is a few left that, Fairfield Halls, and

somewhere else.

Warwick Art Centre.

Oh, that's a nice one.

And you have

your podcast as well.

And a podcast called What the F is going on.

So I'm very sorry for the swearing.

It wasn't my idea.

Tom, plug away.

People in Australia can see my show, It Is I at the Sydney Comedy Festival and the Brisbane Comedy Festival.

Just two big two shows left in big venues there that could definitely

do with some more people in them at this stage.

That would be great.

And British people, I am coming to your wonderful country.

I am performing at the Edinburgh Fringe.

Tickets are on sale now for some fing insane reason.

That's it is I at 6.10pm at the monkey barrel for the whole bloody month.

Please come along.

Oh, that's a great menu.

It's so good.

Yeah, and I'm stoked to be coming back there.

It's good news.

There you go.

Consider those plugs plugged.

We will now play you out.

With more contributors to the Bugle Voluntary subscription scheme to join the Bugle Wall of Fame or to give a one-off or a current contribution to the Bugle Fund to help keep us free, flourishing, and independent, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

Continuing our coronation theme, this week's Wall of Fame Volunto subscribers have all conducted extremely important scientific research into coronations.

Adam Denning calculated that crowns are statistically the least efficient form of headgear ever invented.

Adam explains they don't provide protection, warmth, hair control, shelter, shelter, shade or even a special straw for drinking.

David Thomas similarly calculated that thrones are a low-grade form of seating when it comes to practicality.

They don't make the thronee any wiser or more prone to make sound decisions, says David, and they're less comfortable than a cheap second-hand armchair.

Stepan Pilar, apologies for multiple mispronunciations, conducted a cost-benefit analysis that concluded that the new monarch should simply log in on a special website at the start of their reign and log out again if ever they wanted to abdicate instead of this expensive rigmarole.

It's the 2020s, notes Stepan, it's standard workplace practice.

Further to this, Brendan Gage has developed a special computer program in which loyal subjects can watch a CGI monarch of their choosing from history being crowned whenever they wanted and just click a grovel button to pay appropriate obeisance at a time of their convenience.

Monica Mielke has developed a further add-on to Brendan's programme whereby people can even design their own monarch like you can design footballers on those games console football games.

It's got a potential 2.4 billion different permutations of crown regalia and wieldable accessories, boasts Monica.

James Davies calculated that if coronations provide a boost to the economy, as everyone says, it would make sense to have the monarch rotating on a month-to-month basis with a coronation on the second Saturday of each month.

And Jim MacArthur adds some numbers to this, working out that the bunting industry alone would give Britain the highest GDP of any nation in the world, and laments, you cannot build a solid business plan around a once every 70 years event.

Owen Alexander found after considerable research that a monarch proves just as monarchicus, for good or bad, whether they wear a special cloak made of dead animals costing thousands of pounds at their coronation or a £10 witches or wizards outfit from a novelty costume shop.

And finally, Martin Neville similarly conducted some laboratory research on scepters and discovered that these so-called sacred supersticks do not in fact give any more or less of a power boost to the incoming monarch than a blow-up herring.

Thank you to all our voluntary subscribers on this week's Wall of Fame.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.