Bugle Special: Terrible Brits and the original F*ckeulogy

Hello Buglers, I am Andy Zoltzmann.

Welcome to issue 4258 sub-episode A for April is not only the cruelest month, it's also the month in which this year we're taking the first week off.

A number of reasons why we're not doing a full bugle this week, one, so I can lock myself in the shed.

And simply let the return of the English cricket season radiate nothing but good vibes into this troubled world.

And two, because everyone's off work and off school because of some 2,000-year-old court case or other.

I can't remember what the charge was, messianic in charge of a donkey or something like that, if I remember correctly.

Now, knowing this was coming, we did bank some extra stories last week, timeless stories that are just as relevant now as they were seven days ago, if not even more so.

The environment plus British men going on holiday and getting wasted.

You'll be hearing those from me, Felicity Ward, and Nish Kumar.

After that, we'll have some classic clips from the Bugle, as heard in our Top Stories podcast.

Subscribe now via the internet of some sort, plus some fine recent moments from our sibling shows, The Gargle with Alice Fraser and Catharsis with Tiffany Stevenson.

But let's start with me, Nish, and Felicity with the environment, which has hired a lawyer.

More end-of-the-world news now, and well, climate is still not going away.

And the world's top court, the International Court of Justice, it will for the first time advise on nations' legal obligations to fight climate change following a motion from Vanuatu, the tiny Pacific Island nation, that is rather more concerned about rising sea levels than, for example, landlocked mountainous Andorra

or quite a lot of land to spare America or Seldom on Fire or Underwater UK.

But this could be a well it could be a

key moment in humanity's fight to survive the climate catastrophe because obviously international law being sacred and inviolable and being observed by all governments around the world, I think we can pretty much assume that the environment is now fixed and move on to something else.

Yes, Dave, good call.

Good call.

Where is the world court?

Do you know?

What's just.

In space?

Well, it should be.

You'll get more objective.

More objectivity.

Well, it's based.

The views are amazing from HQ.

It is actually based in the Netherlands.

So,

I mean, I guess if you want to have a world court, you want it in a country with legalised weed

just to sort of take the edge off.

I can't imagine some of the cases that are landing on the desk of the World Court.

You just need to smoke a blunt to take the edge off some of those details.

Is that The Hague?

Is that the same thing?

Yes.

Yeah, the Hague.

It is The Hague.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Is that the World Court?

The Hague.

It is The Hague.

Oh, okay.

Well, if you'd said that.

If you'd said The Hague, I would have got it.

I mean,

does anyone care?

Would any like, Does the justice system anywhere mean anything?

I don't mean to be a cynic, but I am.

Like, I don't know

a country where people are like, yeah, our justice system, pretty good.

We've done it.

We've fixed it.

We figured out how to do it.

So, like,

the UN.

Australia breached like over 500 human rights with their offshore detention centers.

Nothing happened.

Well, it's not true to say say nothing happened.

Something did happen is that we in Britain took one look at that and thought, oh, you're onto something.

Let's get Rwanda on the phone.

The ICJ, so the Prime Minister of Vanuatu, Ishmael Kosaka, said that it was a historic resolution at the beginning of a new era in multilateral climate cooperation.

And he said that it placed...

and Ishmael said that it placed the human rights and intergenerational equity at the forefront of climate decision-making.

The ICJ has reacted by saying that it will now have two years to consider its view.

Oh, sure.

Take a couple of years with this.

Why not?

Why the hell not?

They've got time.

It is such a bizarre thing to be presented by information about climate change from a country that is literally sinking and be like, we're going to need 24 months.

We're on the clock.

We are on the clock here, guys.

But it does show, doesn't it, something about the state of the planet and our species again, that what is needed is legal obligations.

Because having a planet where life is viable just doesn't seem to be enough of an incentive to get people to do something.

It reminds me actually when I was visited by a magic genie who said to me, Andy, love your work.

I'm going to grant you eternal health and happiness.

And I replied, Yeah, but what's in it for me?

And

continued hitting myself in my kneecaps with a crowbar as my God-given right.

So

obviously, that's a joke.

Because a genie would never say that he loved your work.

Ingolon!

Jorge Vinuales, professor of law and environmental policy at Cambridge University, who drafted the legal question that went in front of the court, said, it cannot be possible that destroying the planet is legal.

And for a professor of law, that is charmingly naive.

All the things we've unexpectedly discovered are either legal or not completely illegal.

I mean, that's, he shouldn't be surprised by that, should you?

No, I mean, that is, I mean, that is naive beyond belief.

I mean, it's not only legal, it's absolutely legendary.

I mean, they'll let anyone into Cambridge these days.

It used to be for the white boys with rich parents, but these days, you know, anyone can get a degree.

I mean, this is why we have a legal system, right?

If we didn't have a legal system, we'd all just be speeding around wearing stolen clothes.

Like, that is specific.

And clearly, we cannot be trusted to regulate ourselves.

Every time they have any sort of resolution, they're like, try and stick to it.

Nobody sticks to it.

And everybody moves on.

And they're like, all right, well, maybe we could just lower our expectations collectively.

That's the shopping trolley theory, isn't it?

Where if you,

shopping trolleys, if you leave a,

that it's an example of if humans were...

left to look after themselves and to follow common sense and civility and thinking about others, they still leave shopping trolleys all over the f ⁇ ing car park.

they dint other people's cars they drive off they don't leave a note that's who we are

Antonio Guterres the big cheese at the UN these days

he said

last week the climate time bomb is ticking but it's not a time bomb yeah it's already blown up well exactly some kind of radioactive warhead that is not only ticking but already leaching deadly substances and occasionally partially exploding so I think he's underplayed it there

He also said humanity is on thin ice and that ice is melting fast.

But yeah, we've always found a way of hopping on a passing penguin and birdsurfing to safety.

So

birdsurfing.

Enjoyed it.

Let's not jump into hasty action that we might regret.

In Switzerland,

more than 2,000 women with an average age of 73 are taking the government to court, claiming that the government's policy on climate change is violating their right to life.

One of the campaigners was quoted as saying, we don't want to die just because the Swiss government has not been successful in coming up with a decent climate policy.

To be honest, you don't really want to die because of anything the Swiss government has done.

I think that'd be disappointing.

If you were just your last thoughts were going through your mind, you're blaming the Swiss government.

That's just not good, is it?

It's not great.

I mean, yeah, I'm not going to make that joke, but the Swiss government do have some things of other people's that they might be angry about, is all I'm saying.

The colour is gold, the things are teeth.

One of the campaigners said, some people say, why are you complaining?

You're going to die anyway.

But I mean, that's true of everything.

That's true of literally any complaint.

Why are you complaining about the quality of the food I just served you at this restaurant?

You're going to die anyway.

Like, it's a sort of catch-all excuse.

And it's how you calm a crying baby, isn't it?

We're saying, you know, we're all going to die, buddy.

We're just dust in the window of history.

It's what I yell at audiences having bad times with my kids.

Like if you burnt someone's house down and they came home from holiday, you're like, you burnt my house.

And I was like, well, we're all going to die anyway.

Can't take me to cook, buddy.

That's the thing when you're a pensioner.

You've got time to take the Swiss government to court.

That's what I'll be doing.

I'm busy now.

Once Frankie's out of the house, I'll be having a chat to the Swiss government, doing some Googles.

Heat-related mortality in people over 65 in Europe in the last 20 years has increased by more than 30%.

Wow.

It does seem like something we should at least have a little look into.

I mean, it's.

Not only are the ice caps dying,

but pensioners in Europe.

Yeah.

Is that just not just because of the increased quality of woolly jumpers?

Keeping people woolly.

You think woolly jumpers are getting so good that people are boiling to death?

Super sheep.

I blame heat tech.

I blame big merino.

Obviously, you know, if the world does end, England will not be affected because England is not so much a country as a

as a concept, as a state of being a dream.

But despite that, the government's advisors have said that England as a country is not ready for the impacts of

global warming.

I'd flip that around and say is the environment ready for the unavoidable impact of England

It hasn't been but also I would say Can you truly prepare yourself for something like this?

I see it in a very English way as being like penalty shootouts.

Yes, you can make plans you can practice you can prepare yourself for every eventuality you can groove your technique, but you'll probably still blast it over the fing fire aggression.

So what's the fing point?

I'll say this as a person living in England in terms of England not being ready for climate change.

England after 13 years of Tory governments is not ready for anything.

It's the last day of March.

I'm here to tell you England is not ready for April.

April could destroy this entire country.

We have absolutely no preparations for anything after more than a decade of underinvestment.

Now the only way I can get this across in the most serious terms possible is that the report has singled out, it's talked about a lot of stuff that climate change we're unprepared for in terms of our flood defences, in terms of various different elements, but the only way I could get this across and how serious the situation is is the report has singled out England's internet networks as being woefully underprepared for climate change despite their crucial importance.

Climate change is now threatening our ability to see pornography.

And that might be the only way we finally convince people.

You might not be able to leave a hateful YouTube comment.

Climate change is threatening the future of the bugle.

What does the bugle rely on?

The internet.

It does,

Both for its distribution and for the ceaseless streams of bullshit it discusses.

I mean,

England isn't ready or the UK is not ready for weather, let alone climate change.

A single snowflake brings the entire train network to its knees in this country.

Anything other than 12 and drizzle, schools are shut, roads are closed,

track work's happening, road work's happening.

I've been caught in in three road works this morning and they're still patching up the snow from December.

This country is f

it's an island.

Like you might not be Vanuatu but you're still an island.

You're going down.

You're going under.

You know?

Well, you've been a citizen of this country for, well, as we discussed, just over a year

and already achieved a truly British level

of disdain for this country.

Congratulations.

You're fitting in beautifully.

Well, look, that is also part of being a colony, is that you are born with a general hatred of the empire.

Well, first, actually, you're born with a love of the empire that you don't know that you harbour, and then you read, and then you go, oh, no, it's actually hatred

in other British news, also relating to the aforementioned Netherlands, Amsterdam has launched a new advertising campaign to try to dissuade British people from going there.

Not all British people, specifically British people aged 18 to 35, predominantly male, who go for

maybe not so much for the art galleries.

I think it's fair to say.

Please rest assured, Amsterdam, because there's been a lot of complaints complaints about the behaviour of British people overseas in various places.

What?

But, you know, rest assured, Amsterdam, we are also inflicting these excesses on ourselves in our own towns.

It's not just you.

Don't think you're so special.

The problem is,

British-based travel agencies are offering, for example, stag weekends in Amsterdam that include unlimited alcohol canal boat cruises, steak and strip nights,

public breaks.

They don't go together.

Pumpkrods around the red light district.

And a series of lectures on the history of Dutch painting from the Renaissance to Impressionism, taking the world's wonderful museums in which everyone has to down a double vodka shot every time they see a self-portrait or someone in a strange hat.

So,

yeah, people are losing patience with the British tradition of going overseas and vomiting everywhere.

I'll say this.

If we could have had a time machine, India could have used a campaign to keep British men away in the 18th century.

That's all I'll say.

That's all I'll say.

18 to 35 year old men.

But what I'll also say is this is not the first time this has happened.

About a decade ago, Amsterdam's mayor invited it.

Sorry, about a decade ago, Amsterdam's then mayor invited his London counterpart to see what British tourists were getting up to.

And he said things like, they don't wear a coat as they slide on through the red light district.

They sing you'll never walk alone.

They're dressed as rabbits or priests and sometimes they're not dressed at all.

I'd love him to witness it.

Unfortunately, his counterpart at the time was Boris Johnson, who was, let's face it, thrilled to be invited to a sleazy weekend in Amsterdam.

He was probably one of those people walking around with no trousers or pants on in the red light district.

You can't invite the nation's ultimate fan to a f fan.

A f fan.

Also, I mean, I do think, you know, we're trying to be more open-minded as a species, more tolerant of each other's cultures.

And yet, you know, here is...

Has not reached Britain and

here is Amsterdam failing to respect our national British culture of drinking ourselves to a comforting level of oblivion and desecrating other people's homelands.

It's what our nation was built on.

It's true.

Have some fing respect.

Look, when Amsterdam launched the campaign that said, stay away, young British men, I just thought, je sui Amsterdam.

18 to 35 year old British men, please stay away from me.

Thank you so much.

Especially if you're drinking, you're looking for drugs, you're looking for pussy.

None of those things are here.

Club 1830 was

kind of well known for young British people going overseas for

largely sort of drinking, sex-based holidays.

But actually, people thought it was because that was the age range they were aiming at.

Actually, it was because that was the year that they were modelling themselves on in terms of British behaviour overseas.

Yeah, I mean, in terms of British behaviour overseas, taking a piss at a canal is pretty low down the list.

It's a long gap to the Mau Mau, the way that they dealt with the Mau Mau's at Clive of India.

It's a big old jump down from there.

So they should be lucky they're only pissing in their canals.

We're actually getting better and better over time.

Also, I mean, let's not forget what Britain is as a nation.

Young British people might be urinating in the streets and vomiting in the canals of Amsterdam, but it's British Waz and British Chunda, which makes it magic.

We are donating our magic to you, Netherlands, if you'd only learn to harness it.

I would definitely invite a government delegation from the Netherlands to come to Leicester Square on a Friday or Saturday night and see that it is not only other countries we have that respect for, it's our own.

I've seen a man pissing next to a urinal.

Not into the Urinal, next to a Urinal.

Okay?

We hate ourselves as much as we hate any of you people.

Well, that's because we are true egalitarians.

I think that's an extract from the Communist Manifesto.

I was actually, I've never been to Amsterdam before and I thought, oh, this would be a nice year to take a trip.

And then I saw this and I was like, oh, maybe I should stay away.

And then I realized heartbreakingly it was 18 to 35 year old men.

And as a 37 year old man, I am now exempt.

And if I'd gone two years ago, you couldn't have kept me out of those brothels.

Oh my god, I'd have been in there like a shot.

You're a fan?

I'm I'm one of the great...

One of the great top 10 f ⁇ fans of this century.

Nish Kamar.

Nish, come.

Family shit.

Has that ever been made that awful cheap joke?

I don't know.

Surely in high school.

Nish, come!

I don't actually remember it being made at secondary school, but it does seem like a dereliction of duty of the teenage boys that I went to school with.

I mean, well, I'm glad that that's been satisfied now.

Well, that was from last week.

Let's pop over to history now and a classic moment from the Bugle.

It's issue 152, the moment when the rowdy Saudi was compromised to a permanent end, and John Oliver and I delivered his f eulogy.

Top story this week, ding-dong, the c is dead.

But a boom, boom, boom.

Another c bites the dust.

shot in the eye and you're to blame you give

a bad name

this is not so much a tribute episode to bin Laden as a special f eulogy to the big man

Andy

I'm glad you enjoyed that.

Yeah, I did thoroughly enjoy it.

I expect to see that in a dictionary near me within two years.

Andy, you ended the last bugle by saying that after the royal wedding, the world had nothing to look forward to anymore.

And while yes, Saturday in itself was quite boring, apart from Chelsea tightening the gap on the Premiership title race, you have to admit that Sunday really delivered.

What with that whole killing of the most wanted terrorist on the planet thing?

That's right.

Osama bin Laden, the former leader of al-Qaeda and former living inhabitant of the planet Earth, was forced to surrender both of those titles around the time that a bullet developed a very strong attraction to his face.

And he was a tall, handsome man, Bin Laden Andy, but I have to admit that I always thought that he'd have looked even better if he'd considered getting his left eyebrow pierced with a bullet.

And I think I was right about that.

I think his face was successfully accessorized with a piece of high-speed, pointy metal jewelry.

It's funny how well though, isn't it, John?

Because last week, most wanted man in the world.

This week, a seriously malfunctioning submarine.

And fish food.

So, yeah, it just goes to show, upon slender threads.

So, you know, he's gone from, you know, he's the leader of the world's most tedious minority interest pressure group, a man, five times voted least cuddleable dude by Touchy Feely Monthly magazine, a man commonly known as the rowdy Saudi, Terry the Terrorist, the Mighty Douche, the Tora Bora Law Ignorer, and the Angry Turnip.

He had his clogs forcibly popped by American Special Forces.

And I do wish that Barack Obama had used those words.

Yeah, we have

popped his clogs.

It certainly feels like a much more pleasant globe to live on this week without bin Laden living on it too.

It's like when a terrible neighbor moves away and property prices in adjacent properties automatically go up.

By dying, Bin Laden has effectively gentrified this entire planet.

To prove this, upon news of his death, the stock market went up and oil prices went down, as if collectively everyone agreed that things had just got slightly better.

As if the world breathed a sigh of relief and together muttered, oh good, that is good.

Now, I don't know where you were when you found out, Andy, I'm guessing you were asleep, but I just finished watching 60 Minutes and was checking in with the Mets Phillies game when it became clear that something very important was about to happen and the president was going to address the nation.

And after watching him announce that America had successfully located and killed bin Laden I started watching the news and then well I flicked through the channels a couple of hours later to see that the Mets were still playing the Phillies.

It was the 14th inning and they had resumed the game and most of the crowd was still there.

And not only were they still there, they were watching the game with complete concentration.

And I've got to say, as a sports fan, I find that so impressive.

Remember, this is a meaningless game at the start of May between one team which will challenge for the World Series and one that will not make the playoffs.

To care about that at all is a challenge.

To care about that when it's just been announced that bin Laden has been killed is f ⁇ ing incredible.

The CIA's most wanted man has literally just been assassinated and you are rooting for Raul Ivanez to get a base hit.

I think my favorite reaction from all this actually came from the Mets manager after the game because you know people in sports just cannot help themselves but speaking clichés and that's never more exposed than in moments of deep genuine significance and in the post-game press conference Terry Collins said this he said

well this is a good win for us and obviously a huge win for America tonight

he should have carried on that thought you know I think America really answered the critics tonight many have said that you know to go on a nine-year streak of not killing bin Laden was a slump we were never going to get out of but I for one had nothing but faith in us as a team and I knew if we just kept swinging kept focused we'd get that hit as for the future, who knows what that holds?

I'm just concentrating on a home series against the Giants next week.

Thank you, no questions.

I think as well that Al-Qaeda had a press conference in which they said, Well, there's a lot of positives we could take away from this.

Obviously, we're disappointed to lose Aussie, but

we'd like to see it more as an opportunity for someone else to step up to the plate and deliver.

Of course, the best place to have heard the news would undoubtedly have been Tampa, Florida, in the middle of the crowd of a live WWE wrestling event.

How do I know this?

That's a fair question.

Because I saw a clip on YouTube of a shirtless John Cena addressing the Tampa crowd to deliver the news at the end of a bout saying, I'm extremely proud after 10 months of being your WWE champion.

I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty, and respect on my sleeve.

It's worth pointing out that at that point, he was sleeveless.

He went on to say.

He's got the names of his dogs tattooed onto his arm.

No, no, no.

The president has just announced, he went on to say, that we have caught and compromised to a permanent end Osama bin Laden.

Andy, that is magnificent rhetoric from the four-time tag team champion, inventor of the twisting belly-to-belly suplex, and self-styled doctor of thugonomics.

In fact, all of those things are true.

In fact, if I'm honest, I prefer what John Cena said to the president's speech.

Courts and compromise to a permanent end.

That is linguistically sensational.

In fact, that phrase is not all that the president should have borrowed.

I think he should also have walked into the east room of the White House and said, I walk out every night with hustle, loyalty, respect on my sleeve.

I think he should also have done that shirtless in a pair of cut-off jeans, holding a wide microphone before leaving to rock music and fireworks.

I don't think anyone would have begrudged him that.

So Obama, of course, had been watching nervously in the White House on Skype, I think, supporting his troops by firing an imaginary pistol at his computer screen and shouting, Kapow, Kapow, as the troops went in, and then announced the action to the watching world, creditably without using words like, we got him, mission accomplished, or bag him or tag him, which is not necessarily something his predecessor could have been entrusted with.

He didn't even hold two fingers to his mouth and pretend to blow gunsmoke away from them before re-holstering his fingers and winking at the camera, which

some might have seen as an opportunity miss.

And of course, you know, there's been some

newspaper reaction.

Obviously, you're quite over excited.

Some of the headlines here: this

Al-Qaeda.

Here's one with

that fake picture of Bin Laden's head, headlined Al Sama.

Also, this article looking at the damage to Al-Qaeda caused by the attack under the headline, Ain't No Cure for the Osama Dying Blues.

And

this one here, Man 54 Dies.

Didn't really give the full story.

But it deals with facts, Andy.

And not only is that what you want from print journalism.

And another tableau one, Death in His Vest.

I'll play on Death of the West.

Claiming Binozin been pinged out whilst wearing a sleeveless t-shirt, revealing an unexpected tattoo of May West leaning over a bucket of soapy water.

Which I guess the subtext would be, America is the great Satan.

I'm guessing, I'm guessing.

So, but

it was a kind of personal success for Obama, that seems to be how it's

been received.

The operation code named variously Operation Shave That Beard, Operation That Shit, Operation Reese Witherspoon.

Not sure how I got that name.

I think I'll have to ask General Protraus about that one.

So, more details are trickling out as the story shifts from one day to the next.

It does seem now that

they found Bin Laden with a sock on each hand, putting on a sock puppet production of Daisy Earth Dirty Dancing for his young relatives, in order to inculcate in them a lifelong hatred of Western consumerism.

And when the Seals came in, he untangled Baby and Johnny and said in his characteristic monotone draw, Did someone order a takeaway and not tell me about it?

They also found in his children's playroom blackboards with the words, George W.

Bush is a premium-grade wiener, written over and over again.

And another report suggesting that Bin Laden's last words were, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

To which I'm guessing the Navy SEAL said, it's kind of both.

Obviously, as you mentioned, newspapers around the world reacted the next day by plastering Bin Laden as the lead story all over their front page.

So credit has to go,

as Andy and my friend Danny Boy said to us, to the Daily Express online, who stuck with their gut, Andy, and they ran the bin Laden story second

behind the headline about Prince William and Cape Middleton foregoing a prenup.

I mean, wow.

Listen, you've just got to give it to them, Andy.

It's as simple as that.

You have to really, really care about the royal wedding to lead with that two days after the wedding happened over the fact that bin Laden was literally just shot in the head.

That is a royal wedding super fan right there.

Well,

maybe it was the two are linked, John.

I mean, it seems clear that

the two are linked because

on Saturday night, Prince William and Princess Kate were whinging about not receiving a wedding present from the White House.

And then they received a card on Monday morning saying, happy wedding.

Harrods had sold out of dinner plates, so we killed Bin Laden instead for you.

I wonder if that's where Bin Laden's body actually is.

It's like when you have a cat and it kills a bird and leaves it outside your bedroom door as a kind of thank thank you.

I wonder if they woke up in the next morning to see the corpse of Bin Laden lying in front of them.

Oh, that's lovely.

Isn't that nice?

Takes me back to the morning after my wedding.

Let's not delve into that.

There are classic clips like that five times a week on our Top Stories feed.

Do subscribe now, or else

I'm not sure what else

you won't hear them.

Right, let's join Alice Fraser, Josh Gondelman, and Gabe Molika for a recent highlight from The Gargle focused on, let me just check the script.

Oh of course, yes, the sex life of cockroaches.

Now it's humans fing up sex lives business now.

This is the news

that humans' relentless quest to kill off cockroaches with poison have has changed the breeding process of the cockroaches themselves.

Gabe, you look like you've seen a cockroach before.

Can you unpack this story for us?

I have.

I'd love to unpack the story.

The story, of course, involves German cockroaches, which have evolved

to live in human environments.

And the way they've done this is typically the way cockroaches reproduce is that the female gets on top of the male, kinky, and then the male has what's being described to me as a telescopic penis, which goes behind and around and has a little hook on it.

And there he offers what's being known as a nuptial gift, which I listened to the article.

I didn't just read it, so I knew how to pronounce nuptial.

And normally that sweet chemical slurry

has glucose in it, which means it's sweet.

But for years we've started to use a sweet-like substance

to track and kill these cockroaches.

But now they've evolved and they've made their nuptial gift less sweet.

So now that there are some females who just like aren't into the sweet stuff anymore, and it's made the male cockroaches not be able to mate with them.

They're just like not interested.

However, that becomes a problem because the male cockroaches have now evolved.

They've eaten some pineapple.

They've changed the consistency of their nuptial gift.

And now they're back to getting jiggy with it.

And they just keep popping up because they know how to change the secret sauce.

This is shocking news to me.

I went to a friend's wedding over the weekend, and my nuptial gift to them was a cutting board.

So humans and cockroaches are much different type thing.

Cockroach sex is so intense, right?

The males hook the females to their body to procreate, which sounds problematic, certainly.

And they do that because it takes 90 minutes for the male to release sperm into the female.

And it's like, brag much, cockroaches, okay, sting uh that's kind of okay

endurance game uh

and it's really wild that we use the same the same glucose right that that was this nuptial gift in the traps and technically the science word I just want to add this context is we stopped the roaches from having sex the cockroaches from having sex we roach blocked them and there I've thought of all the ways to say that and that's the best one there's no better way to go with it I want to say, just as a point of ethics, that the males have changed their recipe, right?

As Gabe said,

and that they've also figured out how to hook themselves to the females even faster, which scientists who have been asked about this,

these developments say they're like kind of thrilling evolutionary adaptations, but it's just letting them commit sex crimes more efficiently.

It's like if kidnappers started buying like king-size candy bars and driving Lamborghinis instead of goofy white vans.

I was curious if there's like in the cockroach community if the female cockroaches who don't like glucose like have a reputation, you know, like the gluten-free people.

It's like, oh, you can't take them anywhere.

She's glucose averse.

You know, like, I wonder if

they talk shit about each other.

Or if they like, that's they, when they, when someone loves the glucose, if they're like, oh, yeah.

She's old school.

They love the, the, yeah, they're like, she loves the glucose, if you know what I'm talking about.

That's my German accent.

It's like, hey, you stop roach shaming, okay?

Yeah, it turns out that cockroaches have adapted so quickly to humans' willingness to interfere with their sex life.

I don't know why we've been so willing to interfere with their sex life.

We've been putting the cop into copulatry and the nup into nuptials and the black head of the cockroach.

I just think that we are setting ourselves up for them to invent a new way of having sex that is way worse for us.

Inevitably, it's going to start being something that we like the smell of.

You know, like it's going to be something that just turns us on and then we're going to be part of the whole cockroach mating process.

We're going down a bad pathway, is what I think.

It's true.

And NPR included videos of both of these: the female cockroach accepting the nuptial gift and the female cockroach rejecting the nuptial gift.

And I'm not going to lie, they look the same to me.

More of that in the gargle feed.

Now, let's join Tiff Stevenson for a recent highlight from Catharsis, the Bugle Stables interview show, which allows guests to scream into the abyss about all this shit.

The next section of the podcast is called Topical Cream, and that's where we apply some balm to a stingy news story that's got you all hit up.

It doesn't have to be this week, it could be in the last six months, just something in the zeitgeist.

you've i'm sure you've got something that you're angry about so so what's what's getting under your skin what do you want what do you want it's all

yep do you know what i mean it's got i mean it's just the fact that we've had three prime ministers in eight weeks

that got my do you know what i mean from johnson to truss to sunak it was just like

it's just bananas this is circus town like jury service right everyone gets a go oh wouldn't it be brilliant if that was true everyone's got to go is it another etonian oh how did that happen so the whole thing i think and i think what gets me most i mean is the fact that the the tori just want to use racism and you know stoke the fires of race going it's pakistani rape gangs it's like hang on a minute 84

of grooming gangs in the UK are white.

This is from a Home Office report, their own report.

So when you say we will stop Pakistani rape gangs, Pakistani grooming gangs,

you know, there's several things that you're doing.

One is you're just stoking up the fires of racism and just going, you know, it's them what are doing it.

They come over here taking our women.

That's what this is.

But actually what you're doing as well is you're ignoring the 84% of the young girls and young women who have been abused.

and you're leaving them aside for some cheap political point.

How about we tackle all the grooming yeah exactly exactly that's the you know it how about the police aren't

you know just like why don't we do that just for starters you know the police's job is it the metropolitan police especially their job is to is to basically uphold the law that's what it is to enforce the law and so actually they could stay inside and do nothing

And the legal situation would have improved.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

So it's like that gets, those are the things that that really get me politically.

Trump getting um arrested is just funny, but then you get people going, Oh, no, but it's going to turn him into a martyr.

Yeah, but you know, if you have a rule of law, you have a rule of law, you know, that's how it works.

So, the rotation of prime ministers, I think, is a um last time I saw you.

I said this.

I think I mentioned the fact on stage that since 1979, we have only ever had one elected British prime minister be thrown out of office by the general public.

And that was John Major, right?

Right.

Choosing a prime minister and choosing a government is important, then being able to get rid of them is equally important.

So, actually, what they're saying is we know better.

Yes.

Yeah.

And what's interesting about that is that I think Boris will be beginning his comeback tour to office that we're going to be on a rinse and repeat.

You know, we've got sort of Trump pitching for 2024, and we've got Boris who is going to be slowly attempting to get back in.

Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's going to be so slowly.

I mean, I think the thing about Johnson is he isn't,

he is a sociopath.

And I think he's got just enough knowledge to know that he is.

Yes.

And when he was in that committee meeting over the privileges thing, which was fantastic just to see his lawyer's reaction behind him, where they just sat there, just going, oh, f

you know.

But what was interesting was they asked him a question and he just said but you could hear you could almost hear the voices inside it going shut up be nice try and be bloody nice don't kill them you know well don't show them who you really are yes which is incredibly entitled and narcissistic that go all the way back to his school reports where they were like he doesn't seem to like to be told that he's got something wrong yeah or that he hasn't completed a task and he seems to be affronted that anyone would meet him with criticism.

And I think that that's the most kind of damning thing I've seen about Johnson.

That, and it might have been led by Donkeys, put out a video that takes him all the way through Bullingdon.

But it was, it's a school report where it says, when he's criticized, he's affronted by a, how dare you?

You know, I'm going to be king of the world.

So you don't get to criticize me.

My friend Martin Rosen, who's the cartoonist,

he

was cartoonist for the spectator at one point.

He used to do cartoonist, he used to to do the cover for the spectator and you need when you do a and this he told me this story he said um johnson used to be editor of the spectator and he wanted to do the cartoon but to get it right you need to know what he's going to lead on you need to know what's going to come up as the headlines

so you can put all the bits in the right space and get the cartoon to actually fit the space it needs to fit and um johnson still wasn't making his mind going undecided undecided and like he was running out of time to be able to do this literally the deadline deadline was just moving in front of him.

And Martin had enough and phoned up Johnson and he said, Right, have you made your mind up?

He said,

There's so many considerations.

And Martin just went, Stop this PG Woodhouse act shit and choose one.

And he said, There was a silence.

And then Johnson said,

This PG Woodhouse shit, as you called it,

has served me very well thus far.

Wow.

An acknowledgement of it.

Yeah.

That it's all an act.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

We will be back next week with issue 4259 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world.

Until then, goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.