WTF? We'll tell you the f**k

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4255 of the world's one remaining source of independently verifiable hogwash.

I am, not for the first time and I sincerely hope not for the last, Andy Zoltzmann, reporting to you from the United Kingdom, a land where once roamed bison, wolves, aurochs, and even lions, until we join the EU, though outlawed on health and safety grounds.

Joining me today, firstly, from a multitude of time zones away, in California, just miles from where celebrity mid-second millennium British pirate explorer, beard and bowls fan Francis Drake, landed during his circumnavigation of this world-renowned planet Vars before moving on because it was too expensive to run somewhere nice.

In San Francisco, it's NATO Green.

Hello, NATO.

How are you?

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Buglers.

I am speaking to you today from the unceded territory of the Ramatush Ohlone people.

We don't know a lot about the Ramatush-Olone people, but we want you to know if you were wondering if they had ceded their territory, they did not.

There was no ceding of territory.

But really.

It's their territory.

That was not always a huge concern from the British side side of such negotiations.

Yeah, and so what we do now in 2023 is we just acknowledge that they didn't cede the territory and then we go about our business as we would have otherwise.

So everyone's happy.

Everyone's happy.

Joining us for the first time on the bugle

from Glasgow.

Someone with whom I first performed quite literally a millennium ago

back in 1999.

It's a great pleasure to welcome for her bugle debut Josie Long.

Hello Josie.

Hello.

I'm so glad we made it through Y2K.

We didn't think we would.

The planes dropped out the sky, the clocks all broke, but here we are.

And

it's been a good millennium, hasn't it?

Well, I mean, it's...

I mean, there's a lot of people.

Nothing bad's happened.

Absolutely.

I can't think of a single negative thing that's happened in the past 23 years.

Well,

that's admirably positive.

I've not enjoyed it a huge amount,

but then millenniums often start badly.

But look at Robbie Williams, terrible.

I am coming at this from a Jewish perspective.

I'm sure, NATO, you'll back me up on this.

I think that would be us two out of three millenniums that have had it at least have

started not tremendously well.

I agree.

And I still have my Y2K water jugs in the basement.

I mean, it's amazing, isn't it, Josie, that we did manage to somehow negotiate that great communal trauma of

Y2K.

And I guess it's testament to the strength of the human spirit that we could overcome the disappointment of computers continuing to work.

I'm proud of us.

I'm proud of all of us.

We are recording on the 6th of March 2023.

On this day in 1869, Dmitry Mendeleev presented the first periodic table to the Russian Chemical Society,

which, you know,

I think means that he probably should be cancelled now because of what Russia is doing and we should abandon all science as a result.

But prior to Mendeleev's periodic table, there were just four elements, earth, air, wind, and fire.

Air subsequently went solo, leaving the other three to keep the band going.

But Mendeleev sacked those four elements and replaced them with his new inventions.

63 of them initially, including modern-day classics such as oxygen, carbon, and tin.

And the Elements League has continued to expand with new franchises being added to try and keep things exciting for the science fans.

I don't know what the latest total of elements, but they keep

adding, they're like Marvel movies.

There just seems to be new ones all the time.

I think some of some of those late entry elements always seem a bit dodgy, though.

Like at the end, the ones at the bottom bottom are like berkelium

and einsteinium it's like i don't believe these are real there's no there's no einsteinium mine out there

well i think some of them are just made up aren't they josie you're you're a qualified scientist yeah i would describe myself in that way and i don't think it's fair to challenge it i i would say if you're naming an element after yourself that is some extraordinary hubris and you can't expect me to take it i like already i heard oxygen i thought yeah of course I take that very seriously, you know, carbon very seriously.

Then even tin, I was a bit like, you can't expect me to take tin

with a gravitas of carbon, you know?

Tin.

And then if we're getting into people's names, this is, come on.

What I'd like to see is I'd like to see his ghost come back and just cut a bunch of the elements out.

Right.

So get back down, because he started with 64.

Back to basics.

One assumes he was aiming for 64, because then you can have a straight knockout.

I think that would be a six-round knockout to find the best element with 64.

I don't know if they've gone up to 128 for the seven round round knockout, but yeah, get it down to 16.

You can have four groups of four.

It's a better format than quarterfinals.

I feel like naming the elements after yourself, it seems like a come-on at a club.

Like, baby, my dick is elemental.

You know what I mean?

It's called Zoltzminion.

Zoltzminion is one hell of an animated franchise.

As always, a section of the Bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week we review the latest apps to come out in the various app stores, including Exagger Grate, which translates things that are partially true into wildly overstated claims masquerading as fact.

Very trendy.

I've tried it along with literally trillions of other people, and I have to say, it completely changes everything about your life and how you see the world.

As you can see, it's very effective.

Autobiogle which is a very exciting new app for social media users.

The Autobiogle app scours your social media posts and automatically publishes a 500-page autobiography of you with associated social media promotional campaign.

Comes with various standard settings that you can get for any autobiographies whether done through the app or through the traditional format of writing it yourself or with assistance from a ghostwriter.

Those settings range from unvarnished truth via partially polished but essentially unrevealing to outright willful delusion.

So exciting new times for those wanting to write an autobiography but not really being able to be asked to do it properly.

BuzzMe, that's a new app that tells you what you would look like if you were a bee.

You just have to upload a selfie and a picture of a bee.

And it merges the two to show you what you'd be like if you were a bee and simulates what your life would be like if you were a bee, not advised if you're not technically a monarch.

Mission Apostleable, it is a new hit game on your mobile phone in which your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to start a new religion with just 12 simulated buddies.

And finally, TDM, the self-styled dullest ever app,

another app that uses your online output.

TDM, an acronym, of course, for thrice daily monotony, shares with all your followers the least interesting things you have thought, said and done at 9 a.m., 2 p.m.

and 6 p.m.

each day, adorned with a completely unilluminating aphorism, obvious fact, or hackneyed picture.

Yes, it's a crowded marketplace, but it's good to get it all conveniently gathered in one place.

We review all those apps in this section, which is now in the bin.

Top story this week, American media court case news.

Exciting times at NATO in the court case between Dominion Voting Systems and Fox News over the

shall we creditably say, misreporting of the 2020 presidential election.

Can you quickly bring us up to date with

what the f has been going on?

Well, Andy, this is the f.

I'd love it if the news always started like that.

Since you asked, the f has been going on.

Dominion is an operator of electronic voting systems who is suing Fox News for $1.6 billion

over essentially Trump's big lie that the 2020 election was stolen, specifically specifically that Fox News recklessly promoted the lie that the election was stolen, even though they knew it was not, and they did it for profit.

And in so doing, they

irredeemably defamed Dominion's business model and cost them presumably $1.6 billion in potential profit.

So

the crux of the claim is that Fox News reported lies for profit.

Capitalists lying for profit.

Big, if true.

in other news nicotine is not addictive uh oil is not contributing to climate change miller light tastes great and is less filling nbc's thursday night lineup is must-see tv condoms feel the same as no condoms uh

so but as long as just to be clear the election the 2020 election was stolen by the American voters.

Specifically, a majority of voters in states with a majority of electoral votes.

81 million Americans were in on it.

Shh, don't tell anyone.

Well, that's one of the biggest conspiracies there's ever been, if that proves to be true, Natalie.

It took

a huge level of coordination to get 81 million people in on this conspiracy together to elect Joe Biden president and not reveal how deep it went.

Oh, they were signing up for it as well.

That's the worst.

That's right.

They were standing in line brazenly as part of this conspiracy.

Now, the legal test in the defamation case is whether there was malice.

It's Fox News.

Have you seen Fox?

It's a 24-7 malice network.

Malice is the brand.

If someone comes on Fox not spouting malice, literally everyone else yells at them on national television.

So it's not even malice specifically against Dominion, but against anyone who is not an angry white person.

So if you're an angry Zapotec Indian from Oaxaca, you don't go on Fox.

Take that shit elsewhere.

If you're a white person who isn't angry, but just slightly exasperated, Fox is not for you.

Former Republican House Speaker and current member of the Fox Board of Directors, Paul Ryan, told them to stop lying.

Now, if you don't remember, this is a guy who was a vice presidential candidate in 2012 and staged a photo op of him in a restaurant kitchen cleaning pots that were already clean.

And he told them to stop lying.

So

when the law, the lawsuit revealed that Fox News hosts and executives all knew that they were lying.

Fox the president of Fox texted someone that the North Koreans do a more nuanced show than Lou Dobbs.

Good for him for being a North Korean news buff, but you're the president of the company.

Like,

if you want nuance, that's on you.

Tucker Carlson called Trump demonic and a destroyer.

The host texts revealed that they knew that Trump lawyers Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell were liars and the election wasn't stolen.

They called them batshit crazy.

Then Tucker Carlson tried to get a reporter fired for fact-checking the news.

A reporter.

That's surely the greatest crime a Fox journalist can commit.

Fact-checking, is it not?

A reporter fact-checking the news on the news.

Tucker Carlson said, I just go on the air and said whatever I read that morning at potterybarnnazis.blogspot.com.

You want me to actually do my job.

You're making me look bad.

Fact-checking is harder work than mouthing off.

So, and then this is where it gets weird.

Because Fox News hosts are worried about their viewers not hearing what they want to hear and going to even more right-wing news outlets.

Then Carlson chimes in and texts someone this.

Our viewers are good people and they believe it.

Now, this is like a dilemma.

This is like

a like a logical ouroboros.

It's like a Talmudic riddle.

Our viewers are good people and they believe the lies we know are lies that we erred, but if we don't tell them lies, they will not trust us to tell them the lies they want to hear and go watch another channel that lies better.

We, the hosts of Fox, know we're lying when we're lying, but we do it anyway because that's how we make money.

Is that better than lying and believing it?

Is Tucker Carlson a good person for knowing that he's lying or a bad person for going along with it anyway it feels like a quadruple negative my final question is how much weed would i have to smoke for this to make any sense at all

well that's i mean quite a lot i would think i mean josie

but there was times when we used to look at american media and think oh you know we would never stoop that that low.

I think those times have largely gone, but it's quite reassuring every now and again to have a story like this to think, well, we're still

at least one step higher up the ladder into the pit of shit that is modern news media.

What I can say is, this new series of succession is amazing.

Like, when you think they can't top it, you're like, this is incredible.

I think the thing for me that's been really interesting, because yes, I do think I'm glad that our

baby Fox News channels are still at the embryonic stage, and so we're still in a place where we see what they're trying to do, but they haven't yet kind of latched in.

What I'm finding really astonishing is seeing Rupert Murdoch come out and just be like, Yeah,

yeah,

we fing did it.

And I don't know how to feel about that because, on one hand, it's like, We got him, we just had to wait 71 years and we got him.

Someone tricked him up, it was just that.

And then on the other hand, I'm like, is he like,

he was visited by three ghosts?

He's about to die.

Like,

what is it?

Why?

Why is he now so blithely like, well, everything you say about me, it's true, Mike Trop.

Like,

I don't understand this as a twist, and I'm worried I'm seeing it as entertainment and not seeing it kind of rationally.

Well, there is one possible explanation

because

when the bugle started, it was part of the Times online website, which was part technically of the Murdoch Empire.

And it should be said, Rupert, Roops, as we called him, on the bugle, took surprisingly, some would say, alarmingly little interest in the bugle.

Well, it was technically part of his stable from 2007 until...

But he was producing.

He was producing better.

He was really just interested in the techniques of audio production, not in the content.

We were technically part of that stable from 2007 until suspiciously shortly after we did a bit on the phone hacking story in 2011 when uh we were uh let go to enjoy the the fruits of independence and um uh so it is possible that those four years that the bugle was part of his empire and we've not always told the absolute truth on the bugle it's possible that that

that that sowed the seeds in his mind that that that's that not telling the truth

was was actually just part of what you do as a media empire.

So I think we've got to take

some responsibility for that.

And mostly John Oliver wasn't none to with me.

I was pure facts.

He did say, I would have liked us to be stronger in denouncing it in hindsight, talking about Trump's claims of electoral afford.

Now, obviously, this was only 2020.

At that point, no one in global media really had much of an idea that Trump might be the kind of man who might try to perpetrate enormous myth truths and destroy democracy from within.

So you can understand there's an element of naivety that it was, you know,

it was early in the Trump story then, just four years into his presidency.

Well, yeah, the presidency had only just finished.

So who could have said what his presidential style had been?

Yeah.

I think, yeah, I mean,

you can't just make history, history on the spot.

You have to allow

at least 100 years for it to pass before you really know what happened.

It's a sort of core feature of modern ethics that you can do completely, horribly unethical things

as long as

long after the damage is done, you regret it.

So,

that's a kind of revisionism that Murdoch is advocating.

Right.

So, is it possible, I mean, he's in his 90s now, so probably

nearer the end of his career than the start, I think we can say.

So, is it possible that he's just building up towards finishing his career in media with just a single provable fact?

And as long as it's the last thing he does,

that means that he's ended

on the right side of truth.

You're a comic.

You know about Closing Strong.

No,

you've not seen my stand-up, NATO.

I do not know about Closing Strong.

I think it's really important that they keep saying the hosts are separate.

The hosts are separate because Fox is a horrific virus and the hosts are separate from it.

That was all I said.

I was like, I must be able to make a joke out of this.

And my brain was like, we cannot do this for you.

I apologize.

We know the words, but we cannot make the link.

Yeah,

I'm inclined to think that he really is bored.

You know, you think about him sort of looking at the world and thinking, okay,

I've done everything.

You know,

I've won these elections.

I own

most of the stuff.

I'm 91.

My wife is 38.

There's nothing more for me to enjoy in this earth.

He's bored, and I'd like to see him go into kind of a whole new chapter in his life, you know.

Right.

I could see him in the world of wellness.

Oh, yeah, that would be interesting, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

I could see him bringing out some sort of like powdered herb tincture.

Right.

Made of what?

Human beings.

Right.

Okay.

So it's not

so still staying on brand.

Well, but this is it.

He's got a strong brand.

So for him to pivot, he has to bring some of the brand.

I look forward to the Rupert Murdoch Gwynneth-Paltrow crossover tinctures.

Although I did find it funny that one of his things was he was like, this will damage my reputation.

And it did make me think, like, what does he think his reputation is?

You know, another explanation I have for why our relationship with truth in the news media has declined so fast, particularly in America, is in 1992, the film A Few Good Men was released, in which Jack Nicholson famously said, you can't handle the truth.

And we still as a species largely worship and believe everything Jack Nicholson says.

And ever since then, the US has been leading humanity on a seemingly endless journey away from journalistic objectivity.

So it's just possible that the power of film has basically ended the concept of truth in news.

Britain News Now, and what it's been an exciting couple of weeks in British politics, particularly if by excitement you mean a harrowing delve into the aftermath of COVID and exactly what the f our so-called government was doing during it.

There was some Matt Hancock, the former health secretary and MP for Floundering Central.

Sorry, Andy,

you forgot to set it Exactly what the f will tell you the family.

I'm the biggest fan of that and I didn't even notice.

Isn't that so sad?

Matt Hancock recently produced a book about

his time as health secretary

and ghost written, throat co-written by a journalist called Isabel Oakeshott.

And in the process of

writing this book, with Oakeshott, he shared with her 100,000 WhatsApp messages involving him and other senior government officials, basically showing everything that went on, all the communication that went on during the height of COVID and the height of lockdown.

And he shared it with a journalist who is renowned for being a massive lockdown skeptic and has previous for leaking supposedly confidential material.

Can I just, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but let's really enjoy.

It's not just previous.

This woman created one of the greatest days on the internet in the history of the internet, which was the piggate scandal, where she intimated that David Cameron had,

I mean,

excuse my French to pig.

And

not just any pig, Josie.

A dead pig.

Not just any dead pig, but just the severed head of a dead pig.

I mean, it gets worse and worse and worse.

Perhaps a pig we could forgive, but two steps further in, it's despicable.

But I remember that day of joy, and I just think, okay, it's hard for me with all of this because it's like, I don't, you know, two people I hate fighting each other, great, you know, sure, hurt each other, but whoever wins, I'll be sad.

But at the same time, we have to give respect to Isabel Oakeshott for being such an agent of chaos.

In many ways, that was the best thing about David Cameron, though, for me, as you know, he's obviously left a legacy of unending chaos, of which this

story about Hancock and Johnson's government is essentially that is Cameron's legacy to the tail of the pig.

Yeah, but that was for me was the best thing about.

And I think Boris Johnson proved that that was the best thing because surely it was far better for us to have a Prime Minister who had already stuck his penis into the dead mouth of a dead pig than a Prime Minister who was constantly wondering what it would be like to stick his penis into the dead mouth of a dead pig, as we had with Boris Johnson.

And

you could see

that faraway look, that inability to focus that undermined Johnson throughout the

COVID years.

Well, the thing about Boris Johnson is, had he done that, he would have impregnated the pig.

That's how fertile he is as a man.

So, Matt Hancock,

who

after his political career had somewhat hit the buffers, went on a TV reality show called I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, in which he ate

a camel's wang, a lady sheep's Virginibel, and a a cow's Betholium Sphinx drawl for the entertainment of the masses and was quite handsomely paid for this, which caused understandable anger amongst the relatives of the

well over 100,000 people who died during the COVID epidemic

in which he was such an incompetent part of the

government response.

But this, it is a kind of huge story, these leaks, and they're still coming out.

The Daily Telegraph is run is

running new parts of the leaks on a daily basis

at the moment.

Hancock has disputed claims that he rejected advice from

experts on testing people before they went into care homes at the start of the pandemic and said that the leaks only give quotes partial accounts obviously spun with an agenda.

Now this is a former Conservative government minister complaining about the use of partial truth and spin echoes of when Damien Hurst fronted a never bathe your pets in formaldehyde public awareness campaign.

There's some stunning levels of

kind of competitive hypocrisy going on here, isn't there?

I think about Boris Johnson coming out and sort of, because obviously he is now at the stage where they're saying, well, we look, it's very clear that you misled MPs and that you are breaking the rules, which we all know, but at the same time, it's nice to sort of see it formally put down down.

And just him sort of being like having to pursue the line of like, nobody warned me that the events were against the rules, which I said.

Nobody said afterwards

they were against the rules, which I made up and I enforced and I set.

Nothing,

there was nothing to show that I believed or was worried that something was against the rules.

Again, the rules, I must make clear that I made up, I set and I enforced, and I told the entire country to follow.

It's just hard to cope with it.

And it's funny to think that, like,

this is all somehow less dignified than I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, which is supposed to be the real nadir, you know.

Well, but also, I mean, it's all been a kind of an unidentified endoscopy into the bowels of government during the indigestible hotpot that was COVID.

And just the mere fact that Hancock basically tried to repair the damage to his reputation by going onto this TV show and eating wild animals' private parts,

you must know there's a lot of repair to be done when you're halfway through a camel penis and you're thinking, well, this should help.

This should really help.

I like the idea they had a meeting.

They were like, okay, well, have you apologised?

Yes.

Have you tried to reconcile with people?

Yes.

Okay, have you eaten a camel's dick?

So that's our last idea.

That's our last idea.

But also, a rare example, maybe, of a politician doing what the public wanted him to do.

And

he'd certainly been

told to do something fairly similar, I think, in fairly direct terms.

In the texts that were released,

there was a text, I think,

from Boris Johnson in the WhatsApp about

trying to come up with good messaging.

And he says, what if we told people

that if you're a pensioner, your risk of dying from COVID is as big as your risk of falling downstairs?

I guess after being shoved forcefully down a flight of stairs by our bullshit testing scheme.

So, like, the idea that they're like spitballing the right metaphor of, okay, what if your risk, we told people that your risk of COVID was as high as your risk of getting hit by a billiard ball during an errant, you know, billiard game.

Or your risk of

dying from COVID was as good as your, your as high as your risk of learning to play the electric guitar and going on tour with Guns N' Roses.

Like

they're just brainstorming, grasping at straws there.

And also it's good because Boris Johnson doesn't know the difference between percentages and probability.

So he'd be like, but that's 100% risk for Slash.

That's 100% risk for Slash.

Back to sort of Hancock and Oak Shot.

The fact that he trusted her with all this information.

It was reminiscent of that old fable about the scorpion and the frog, in which the scorpion persuades the frog to help it cross a river, despite the frog's misgivings about the scorpion stinging it, and the scorpion gratefully accepts the lift and then stings the frog anyway, saying, it's my nature, before then leaking all the WhatsApp messages the frog had sent it,

detailing huge incompetence and wrongdoing at the very heart of government.

It was just eerily reminiscent of that famous old

story.

You have to feel sorry a bit for anyone in the Conservative Party because they're effectively in the Scorpion Party.

You know, that's their whole world.

It's just like, well, he's a bloody great bloke.

Oh, he's got me fired.

Well, I'm a bloody great bloke, but I've killed him.

You know, it's like there's nothing kind of morally for them to hold on to.

They're just sort of a sad stung frog.

And also, I think Matt Hancock...

kind of makes my soul cringe like because he he does seem to have an earnestness but he can't like you know he's so flagrant in cheating on his wife.

He's so

horrific in how he's mishandled such serious things.

But at the same time, in all the messages, everyone is just absolutely bodying him.

Like, George Osborne is like, No one thinks your testing's going well, Matt.

Everyone hates you, Matt.

Matt, you're shit.

And Matt Hancock is just replying in capitals with loads of thumbs-up emojis.

It's going great, thanks.

Oh, there's just something unbearable.

It's like

a

Labrador that was raised by a supervillain.

There's like something not quite right, you know?

There's something so sad about that.

The idea that a Labrador could be raised by a supervillain.

That's almost the saddest thing I've heard this year.

That's quite a hotly contested title.

Boris Johnson is, as you mentioned, facing further claims that he misled Parliament,

which again would be an example of a politician behaving in office exactly how he said he was going to behave based on everything he'd done in his life and career up to that point, basically giving the people what they voted for.

But the question is: if Boris Johnson did mislead the House of Commons, who do we blame?

Do we blame Boris Johnson himself, or do we blame the House of Commons for allowing itself to be misled by someone who pretty much had the words, if these are moving, I am misleading you, tattooed onto his upper and lower lower lips.

I think there's only so much, again, you know, it is, he is, he is the scorpion and truth is the frog.

Coronation news now, and well, in exactly two months' time, as we record, I think it's the 6th of May, we will officially have our new king and overlord crowned as king and overlord.

It's the uh going to be the coronation of KC3, King Tut-Tut-Tut, also known as by his social media handle of at third time Chucky.

And very exciting news about his coronation.

They're trying to make this fancy dress relic of God-endorsed medieval feudalism more relevant to today's audience.

And there's this story that came out this week that the special oil that they use to monarchize our new monarchs will for the first time be vegan friendly.

Now this is hugely exciting news.

Previously the oil that is used have included secretions from the glands of civets.

That's glands with a D, let me emphasise not without a D, but still, that's secretions from civet glands, because I guess how could any British monarch expect to have the respect of their people without having been smeared in granular secretions from a nocturnal tropical mammal?

Indeed, how can anyone expect to be respected without having been smeared with civet secretions?

Andy, you don't want to be uncivilised.

Josie.

No, no, Josie, that that, I mean, NATO may react badly to that, but that joke is fully within the cultural heritage of this show.

You will...

You will not be criticised for puns on this show.

But can I say it is a bit scary for you to then say NATO will not react badly to that.

Even though I know that it's you, NATO, it still feels quite powerful when he says it, you know?

They also used ambergrease, also known as stinky whale chunder, which might explain why Queen Victoria always have that slightly offended, I've just smelled something appalling look in all the photos that we see we see of her.

And, you know, I guess, you know, it is how you...

I know one of the many reasons for my stunning career is that I bathe daily in the pancreatic fluid of a bandicoot.

That's just how people

respect authority, I think, is by using strange unguents taken from

God's creatures, particularly if you want to be king.

I still can't get my head around.

I mean, I know it's sort of more of a daily affair for you, but I still can't get my head around King Charles.

No, Prince!

Prince Charles!

Because you want to be King Prince Charles.

I call him the Prince King.

I'm still writing Queen Elizabeth on my blood diamonds.

Which Queen Elizabeth?

So,

but here's my question is, what's up with your oily-ass monarchs?

So,

no wonder Edward and Wallace wanted to peace out because they can get better lube in America

at the lesbian dildo shop down the way from my house called Good Vibrations.

I think the oiling of Charles can't come soon enough.

I've seen pictures of him, and that chalky honky could use a good oiling.

I tell you what, he looks very dry and ashy.

He needs lotion.

In America, we douse our presidents in barbecue sauce.

I don't know if you know why.

That's why they're so shiny.

Oh, delicious.

I mean, Josie, this is obviously a hugely important part of the ceremony.

And

it's so important that the oil had to be blessed.

And

it was blessed in a special ceremony this week.

Not in, as you might think, Windsor or Westminster Abbey or even the Royal Snooker Hall on Aberystwyth Pier.

In fact, it was blessed in Jerusalem

because it's got to have...

I don't know the reason for doing it in Jerusalem.

I guess, you know, you can just pick up any old oil from memory services on the M4 and assume it would make someone a proper working monarch.

So they do it in Jerusalem because I think then it's more likely that the oil will have a molecule of Jesus in it

or even Moses.

And do you know what as well?

They've got to modernise and so I really am glad that they are doing this like sacred, mysterious ceremony and they're like describing the secretive ways that they're doing this because I really feel like one community that's not yet embraced the monarchy is the QAnon community.

And with this, they really can

link in with their beliefs as well, you know.

They're preparing the secret quantity of special magical oil that is technically animal free.

I mean, is that a loophole?

We don't know.

We can't film it, you know.

And I'm glad that they're really bringing into the fold some of the wildest fringes of society so that they too can finally enjoy the chrism.

I don't know.

I mean, I sort of feel like they're not trying to make it less weird.

Like, don't call it chrism oil.

Like, don't make us think of...

think of chism while this is happening.

Like, don't don't do that to us.

Like, like, and I do appreciate that they've taken the animal products out of them.

And, like, I was reading the list of it as well, and it's like, it's olive oil, so it's scented with sesame, rose, and cinnamon, and orange blossom.

And then, what you do is you just fry the chicken in that and then put it in for 40 minutes.

Delightful.

That's coronation chicken.

Yeah, oh, this is the other bit that was very weird and very conspiracy theory-y, that they're using olives from an olive grove that was grown on his grandmother's burial place.

So

she's fertilizing them.

So it is corpse oil, is what it is.

So he is being blessed by corpse oil.

Right.

Flavoured with.

Is it still vegan?

Then

it's a gray area.

It's like oysters, isn't it?

Yeah.

Josie, you said that the description of the oil, olive oil scented with a mix of sesame, rose, jasmine, cinnamon, orange blossom.

Okay, I understand what those things are.

Then

essential oils.

What does that mean?

Like, you have oil, and then there's another oil that is yet even more essential to add to the coronation oil.

But we're not going to tell you how essential in what manner.

And then also neroli and benzoin.

What the f is that?

Oh, that's a double act.

They're really good, actually.

I see benzoin, and I assume they mean like Benny's, like just

pills.

They just ground up benzedrine and put it in the oil.

Oh, and they rub it on, and he's like, I'm going to be the vibiest king you ever had.

It's King Austin Powers coming at you.

I do have to express some concern about using veganistic oils rather than oils with

civet gland stroke whale chunder in.

Because if you're only using vegan oils, oils, will that give King Charles sufficient magic powers to bat off all the alien invaders like his Ambergrees and Civet's large smeared mummy did?

Not enough protein.

Yeah.

Where's he getting the protein?

Yeah.

But the blessing of the oil

was carried out in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, one of Jerusalem's holiest Christian sites.

And statistically, that is one of the better performing churches.

4.3% of prayers said in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre are partially or fully answered.

That's well above the global average of 0.7%.

So hopefully that will bring good fortune to the monarch.

The old oil was civet oil.

And I wonder if the civet oil is a byproduct of the production of civet coffee.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, so where

they get coffee beans that are being shat out by civets.

Yeah, it's a very special, expensive kind of coffee from like Indonesia or something.

From Vietnam.

Oh, is that it?

Where they refine the shits, the coffee, the shit coffee beans to make the, and then the oil, then they rub the oil on Queen Elizabeth.

Do you know what?

Civets are like a band who's had two really weird, disparate hits.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like, it's like, who's that guy who wrote that record?

And it's a man in the 70s.

And on the one record, there's you put the lime in the coconut.

And then there's also something like nothing compares to you, but not.

Oh, I can't live if living is without you.

It's that one record, isn't it?

Where it's like one of the tracks is you put the lime in the coconut, and the other track is, I can live if living is without you.

That's what civets are.

It's like, this is what we can do.

We can shit out coffee, or we can make you the king, and that's what we can do.

Buglers, if you know of one other thing that civets can do, please email josielong at thebugle.co.uk.

I mean, to be fair to, is it Nielsen?

Harry Nielsen, is that his name?

To be fair to Harry Nielsen, I think there is another hit on that record, and it's equally as from the rushes, you know.

That concludes this week's Bugle.

Josie, it's been a delight to have you on for the first time.

Where else can people see and hear you live or recorded?

I'm in Australia performing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival for most, if not all, of April.

And then I'm back in the UK and I'm on tour

until

the end of September.

And I also have a book that I've written of short stories that's coming out at the end of May.

So if anything, they'll be saturated by this point.

It'll be unbearable for them.

Nato.

I have a couple comedy albums out that you can get wherever comedy is streamed or downloaded.

The best way to get money my direction is through Bandcamp to make a purchase

or check me out on Instagram at MrNatoGreen for more regular updates.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

You can also hear more of me on the news quiz.

The last episode is this

week as we record, and you can catch all the back episodes via the BBC Sounds app.

We will now play you out with more entries on the Bugle Wall of Fame.

Our premium level voluntary subscribers who have donated to keep the show free, flourishing, and independent to join them to give a a one-off or a current contribution to the show, go to thebouglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

Nabil Shirania was the first person to discover that if you start whacking marble with a chisel, you sometimes find a lovely sculpture of a human being inside, often, and I suppose understandably, wearing pretty much no clothes at all.

Will Kenworthy studied the history of communication and concluded that the dinosaurs were wiped out due to their inability and or refusal to learn to say the words, look out.

Brian Crowther formulated the now widely accepted theory that the Big Bang should just be called the Bang, because before it happened, there had been, as far as we can tell, no other bangs for it to be bigger or smaller than.

L.

F.

Turner, during some casual archaeology discovered that the Great Wall of China was supposed to be fully retractable so it could be raised and lowered according to the current level of wall requirement.

Thomas Teebalt discovered that the reason Picasso developed his renowned cubist style of painting was simply that he had a pair of glasses with broken lenses that he couldn't be asked to have repaired for several years.

A.J.

Wells discovered that if you play Beethoven's piano sonatas backwards, they sound like advertising jingles for washing up liquid.

Tom Bowling is, as you would imagine, the inventor of the Tombola, a renowned rotating drum device for drawing out winning tickets at, for example, a village fate, although his initial intention for it was to be a means of randomly but rapidly distributing sandwiches at conferences.

And finally, Sam Wilkinson disproved Charles Darwin's theory that birds can fly not because of their wings, but because they have hidden rocket boosters in their strange little bird feet.

Sam explains, Chuck D was wrong, birds can fly because of willpower.

Welcome all of you to the Hall of Fame.

You can listen to other programs from the Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.