Excuse Me While I F**k The Sky (4242)

Feel free to get rid of the uh chimp sex stuff.

I don't I don't think uh

that's that the episode's gonna be called chimp sex.

Yeah, I'd like it if the episode was called Feel Free to Remove the Chimp Sex stuff and then there's no reference to the chimps in it at all.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4242 of the Bugle.

Yes, that's issue 4242, the issue which commemorates not only the brief English history of the 20th century as taught in all schools in this country, covering only world wars and the result of Football World Cup finance.

4242.

But also it commemorates the answers to a four-question quiz, which used to be set to get you entry into the British Civil Service, in which the questions are, one, what building is more useful than a tent whilst being attacked by a medieval army?

Two, to complete the following sentence, the film The Dig, starring some film stars, told the story in a kind of mostly true, filmy kind of false way, of the discovery of a Saxon burial ship at Sutton Watt.

Three, what word came to be used as an expression of carnal approbation redolent of a patriarchal epoch?

And four, what French pronoun was voted least necessary by the International Society of Rampant Egotists?

Fort, who, Four Two.

Okay, it was not necessarily a convoluted beginning, but here we are.

This is the world we live in.

I am, yet again, Andy Zaltzman for the 4242nd time.

Reporting to you from the shed where dreams come to die.

Sorry, where from the shed where I come to record the bugle.

It is the 3rd of October 2022 and joining me this week from two corners of the known universe.

We have from two miles closer to the North Pole than I am, Nish Kumar.

Uh hello Nish.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Bayuglers.

Andy, I think you've done very well to get this far into the call without mentioning the fact that last week your team absolutely mauled my team at Tuesday football.

It was a shell acting.

If it was a boxing match, the

fighter would have died.

It was absolutely.

Oh, my God.

You absolutely.

It was brutal stuff.

It was like when Evandrago destroys Apollo Creed.

Yeah.

But, you know, I'm used to that, Nish.

That basically, this is a conversation I have every week with whoever's on the opposition.

I like to think that I did my best to try and keep things a little more equal than they would otherwise have been.

But, you know, there's only so much that can be done, Nish.

Yeah, you did your best.

You had a free kick in quite a good position where you could have scored, and you instead chose to pass the ball back to the goalkeeper.

Well, you know, when you're in front, you've got to manage your lead.

Also, joining us from across a very big, very salty pond in New York City, someone whom I have not thrashed at football in the last week.

It's Hari Kondabolu.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Nish.

Hello, Hari.

How are you?

You know what?

It's funny.

I knew you were going to ask me that question.

Well, how are you?

Yeah, so I was trying to be prepared because I feel like I'm so negative whenever you ask me that question.

And so,

you know, I've prepped.

Okay, right.

Okay.

All right.

Here we go.

Thank you, Andy.

I'm doing well.

There you go.

Yeah, that's.

You've nailed it.

Yeah,

that was an evening's worth of work.

So, Andy, I know that, you know, when we were talking about doing this, you know, you ask us what stories are we interested in, and I sent you an email saying I would like to do the story about

the asteroid that NASA destroyed.

Yes.

Right.

You know, in case an asteroid ever hits the planet, right?

Because that's a really imminent threat.

And so

you said, well, we did that last week on the bugle, and then I had to admit to you that I don't listen to the bugle.

And I just want to tell you to clarify, I don't listen to the bugle not because I don't have time.

I don't listen to it because I choose not to.

Well, that's good.

So it isn't, I just want you to know, like, it is an act of free will.

Okay, rather than an act of basic logistics.

Right, right.

Okay.

Oh, that's that's

that's good.

That's good to know.

It's reassuringly honest, you know, in this world of deceit.

What I love about that is Hurry has not only said that on the podcast, he's also put it in an email.

He's really putting his money where his mouth is.

He's given us audio versions of it, he's putting it in writing.

He wants it to be a matter of record that he does not listen to this podcast.

But I should, I mean, it cuts both ways, Hari, because you might not listen to the bugle, but I still watch The Simpsons.

Oh,

is that what we're going to do now?

Despite all your efforts.

Is that what we're going to do?

Why do you still watch?

They haven't had sideshow Bob on in so long.

Andy.

I only watch the old episodes.

This is a new record for the fastest time that I have laughed so much, I have farted on a view.

Just watch from the before you ruined it, Harry.

Andy.

Does anybody else have requests about cartoon characters that need to die?

Anybody?

Andy's old Twitter login name was ApuStan69.

And then you changed it from, thank you, I'm back again.

Moving on.

We are recording.

on the 3rd of October, meaning that tomorrow is the 4th of October, as it's often the case.

And on the 4th of October in 1582, the new Gregorian calendar was introduced by Pope Gregory XIII.

It really stuck it to the old Julian calendar, which it turned out was wrong, which is not a great quality for a calendar in my book, as well as shifting

the global day about almost, I think it was 10 to 14 days.

I can't quite remember.

It varied depending on when people adopted the new Gregorian calendar, but they also stripped out various unnecessary extra days that used to be in the calendar, including the 46th of August, which always caused havoc in the middle of September.

They also got rid of Monday Monday, a double day added intermittently by the Holy Roman Emperor to try to improve economic productivity, commemorated in song, of course, by the Mammas and the Papas, who, of course, began life as Mother Superior and the Popes.

And they also got rid of St.

Flabard's Day.

St.

Flabard's Day was a 19-minute day every two and a half years introduced by Pope Emeticus III in the year 435 after he lost a bet with a cardinal about whether he could cross the river Tiber using two swans as magic shoes without getting his cassock wet.

In the bin this week, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, architecture.

It's world architecture, Dave.

Have either of you done any architecture today to mark this great occasion?

I made and subsequently destroyed a toilet roll pyramid.

Does that count?

I think that does count.

I was drawing a little doodle of a cube while you were talking.

Jesus Christ, Harry.

Okay, I know you don't listen to the podcast, but you have to listen to it while you're doing it.

So in the bin this week, our special architecture section, we look back at some of the most famous buildings ever architectured.

Is that the word?

And ask, are they really all that?

What could have been done better with the so-called masterpieces of the architectural arts, including the Taj Mahal, the mausoleum built by Shah Jahan as a post-death romantic gesture for his favourite wife, Mumtazmahal, but would it have been better if the roof could open up every evening to reveal a big pink heart to show that he really loved her?

Also, how about a f ⁇ ing helipad?

Also, the Parthenon, too many pillars, some flat walls either side would have allowed for advertising hoardings, which would have brought in valuable extra revenue for fixing the f ⁇ ing roof when some idiots blew it up by mistake.

The Great Pyramid of Giza may well have been the tallest man-made structure in the world for almost 4,000 years, but wouldn't it have been better if it had been a little bit more useful?

Very inefficient use of of space.

If it had been built in a non-pyramidical way, as a single block and with separate floors instead of massive great blocks all the way up, it could have been a car park with space for 111,000 cars or thereabouts.

And you'd have still had space to bury a few pharaohs in special boxes.

The Empire State Building.

Obviously anti-giant primate knitting would have been handy, rather than the anti-giant flying terrapin spike on the top that the architects plump for, for reasons best known to themselves.

But the Empire State Building would also surely have been improved by a set of casters.

so it could have been wheeled around New York to different parts of the city just to keep things fresh.

The Sydney Opera House should have been a drive-through.

And St.

Paul's Cathedral, well, its low prayer success percentage is thought to be down to its famous dome being covered in lead, a metal notoriously impermeable,

to all but the most fervid of divine imprecations.

A retractable perspex roof would have resulted in an estimated increase of 37.6%

in terms of the number of prayers getting through to God, which could have resulted in neither world war happening, the establishment of an eternally peaceful world, and the end to all diseases.

Any other great buildings you think are massively overrated?

Well, there were two, but I feel like it's inappropriate for me to say it.

Right.

Okay, I'm going to put it.

Why inappropriate?

Come on, Andy.

Come on, Andy.

The one thing they said was never to forget.

Are you serious?

That was the one request: never never forgetting.

You forgot?

Come on, man.

I think the shard in London is an absolute bag of shit.

Right.

But what's your beef with the shard?

I don't know.

I feel like I just feel like

London is not really a skyscrapery city.

And it does feel a bit like someone looked at the London skyline and then, in the most infantile manner possible, drew a dick on it.

that that's how skyscraper architecture works isn't it yeah i know but new york is to be fair to it a city of penises it's a city of huge metal and glass penises where whereas london is much more of a sort of it's not it's not that that penis heavy now they've got the gherkin and now they've got the shard and you know they don't even have the decency to make them phallically accurate and have them leaning violently to one side.

At least the Pisa Fellows committed to the penis.

I wonder, is it because like England

used to own everything and now they don't?

And so it's like, well, then if we're not going to other countries, we're going to f the sky.

Is that what it is?

The sky technically remains British, Hurry.

I don't know if you've heard the expression, the sun never set on the British Empire.

That's because we own the fing sky.

You're holding the sun hostage with giant penises.

Excuse me, while I f a sky was, of course, um

that way he was training as an architect.

Thank you.

Well, I f.

Right, that section in the bin.

Top story this week, democracy around the world.

Well, democracy, of course, uh is the light of freedom that illuminates the hearts of all humanity, but which unfortunately flickers on and off, doesn't really work that well, is a bit risky, hasn't been properly maintained and keeps giving us very painful electric shocks.

It's been a weird time for democracy

around around the world.

I was just looking at the Al Jazeera website, and they had various podcasts listed on their podcast page.

Bosnia elections preview, which the subhead was Fears of Genocide and Rising Nationalism.

Italy elects far-right leader, What Now?

And after months of violence, Brazil to elect new leader.

I mean, it doesn't show democracy in a great light, Nish.

What have been your highlights of the global election season that we've been going through recently?

The world has caught election fever.

And unfortunately, it may well be terminal

because some of the candidates that are being thrown up, a couple of great historic favourites of the bugle featured pretty heavily in

this election season.

Because one of the key members of Giorgio Maloney's new coalition is, of course, Silvio Berlusconi.

Now, I did listen to the show last week, and I do know that there was a reference to Berlusconi and his party, which I believe the literal translation for their slogan is, come on, Italy.

And I did think it was remiss for everyone, given that you were talking about Silvio Berlusconi, not to mention the fact that that is both the name of his political party and his ultimate ambition as a man.

Yeah, he's a part of a coalition that's being led by Giorgio Maloney, who,

I mean,

is not as not fascist as one would like.

If I may translate into English a very common Italian saying, My mother, we've got a problem.

I mean, she does go by Mussolina.

Yeah, it's she's the leader of a party called Brothers of Italy, already a bad start.

It's already a bad start, but their logo is actually a logo that has been used in the past by the Italian Fascist Party.

And what I would say is, change your fing logo.

If you're not a fascist, I would say change your fing logo.

It's a little bit like someone in 2022 sporting a toothbrush moustache and saying, that's just how I wave.

I like to keep my hand still when I wave.

I'm a huge Charlie Chaplin fan.

What's the issue here?

It's bullshit.

Chaplin fans around the world are denied their opportunity to dress like Charlie Chaplin.

There's no Charlie Chaplin cosplay.

Yeah, it is Halloween coming up.

And as always, every Halloween, I would say this: if you're dressing as Charlie Chaplin, keep the hat on.

Keep the hat on at all times.

Like,

simply do not care how hot your head is.

You keep the f ⁇ ing hat on.

The Italian, you know, lead,

what was her name again?

Georgia Maloney.

Georgia Maloney.

Wait, that doesn't sound particularly Italian.

Is she a an immigrant?

Is she going to throw herself out of Italy?

Is that how hardcore she is?

Is she going to deport herself?

She claims that refugees bring crime and there's a big anti-immigrant sentiment, especially anti-refugees.

And it's just weird to claim that it's refugees that are bringing crime to Italy.

Is there an issue with unorganized crime?

Is that what she doesn't like?

Does she not like the lack of hierarchical structure?

Is that what the issue is?

It's also, you know, to complain about

immigrants bringing crime to Italy loses a bit of weight when standing behind you is the orange-faced specter of Silvio Berlusconi.

Rather undermines that.

A man whose blood type is bribe.

Elsewhere in the democratic world, the Brazilian presidential election has taken place and it is heading for a replay or round two after the former president Lula de Silva failed to pass the 50% mark needed to win round one outrights, leaving incumbent power tool Jay Bolsonaro to contest round two.

It was about a 48% to 43%

in round one.

I think I'm on safe ground in saying that most Bugle fans are probably not died-in-the-wool Bolsonaro supporters.

His brand has been somewhat tainted by himself over many years.

Critics say that he's damaged human rights, the environment, tree counts, science funding, health and everything else in Brazil.

But some things have gone up under under the last four years in which he's been president, such as the number of trees illegally hacked to pieces, the amount of hate crime, the incidences of presidents being racist towards indigenous groups and the incidences of presidents being racist towards everyone else as well.

So,

I mean, this was a little disappointing that this wasn't like a clean death for the Bolsonaro regime.

It's definitely,

I think everybody was hoping for, and I do believe this is a political phrase that dates back to the ancient Greeks, everyone was hoping for a wipeless shit of an election.

That's what everybody was hoping.

We were hoping that it was just going to be clean and we could pop our trousers and pants straight back on.

Sadly, wiping the shit stain of Jair Bolsonaro off the anus of global politics is going to take a few more goes and potentially a full-on Japanese toilets worth of washing.

Yeah, it's not an ideal situation.

Bolsonaro has been fighting the election, interrupting his normal fight, which is with the novel coronavirus, which he seems to be in a constant loop of catching and recovery from and catching and recovery from.

At this point, I think Bolsonaro has had so much COVID, he now technically is a Wuhan bat.

He was in a contest with President Lula, who was Lula Da Silva, who was the former president and mysteriously in 2018 was barred from running on some corruption charges that may or may not have been trumped up by Bolsonaro.

So there was a first round election, which they were hoping for,

a kind of clean victory.

But in the event, Lula got 48.3% of the vote.

Bolsonaro received 43.3% of the vote, which now means it has to go to a second runoff between Lula da Silva and Bolsonaro.

And Lula, when asked about it, because there's a huge amount of disappointment in socially progressive circles in Brazil who are hoping for the win to happen.

Lula said this, we're going to win these elections.

This for us is simply extra time.

I feel great hope that this election will be decided tomorrow, but if it isn't, we'll have to behave like a football team when a match goes to extra time.

We'll rest for 15 minutes, then we'll get back out on the pitch to score the goals we didn't score in normal time.

That is a man who knows how to communicate with Brazilians.

You have to explain everything in terms of football, and the nation will understand what he's talking about.

But yes, listen, all we can do is hope that Bolsonaro is defeated first by Luna Luna Silver and secondly by coronavirus.

Because that is one fight, I think, one of the few occasions where we're all rooting for COVID to finally get his man.

After that brilliant analysis, all I can add is Hal Ye Lula.

Halye Lula.

You like that, Andy?

You like destroying your friend's comedy?

You like that?

I used to not say things like that, Andy.

That wasn't my style.

But you like that I thought of that and I said it?

Does it make you feel good?

Makes me feel great.

Makes me feel great.

Makes me feel love.

Also, I forgot to

while you were talking, I thought of uh, the Wuhan bat ain't nothing to with, the Wuhan bat ain't nothing to with.

You're it's interesting to see you move into a song parody sort of.

You're like the brown weird owl.

Bolsonaro has claimed that only God can remove him from office, showing a bit of a misunderstanding of the Brazilian constitution, I believe.

But it would seem quite a good time, would it not, for the former world's number one ranked deity to come out of retirement and

get rid of that, wouldn't it?

I mean, would that not be could that not save

could that not save Christianity around the world if he did, you know, remove Bolsonaro from office and prove his continued existence,

I might even be tempted to have a go at it and

finish the jumping of ships.

Several of his supporters actually won congressional elections and elections of state governors, including

Eduardo Patsuelo, who is the former health minister of the Bolsonaro administration and who was the health minister who oversaw a pandemic response in Brazil that killed 685,000 people.

I mean, he may as well have just, I mean, it's a bit like electing somebody as transport minister literally after they've just wrapped their car around a fing street lamp.

It is an unreal state of affairs.

Never happened in this country, of course.

Bolsonaro does have

still a surprising amount of support for those who look on from outside, as is often the way with

politics.

The BBC,

in a report on their website had interviewed someone who was described only as a parachutist.

I don't know if that was an amateur or professional parachutist, but this parachutist said, There's going to be beautiful blood spilled in this city.

I'm prepared to kill all the socialists and communists in the world to ensure that Bolsonaro stays in power.

Now, I don't know how you go from parachuting to

genocide.

I mean, that seems that does seem, I mean, for want of a better term, a big leap.

How dare you?

Also, support from some of Brazil's leading footballers,

including Neymar, the prancing showboater, currently costing shitloads of money in the French league.

Undoubtedly one of the finest players of his generation, also surprisingly good in a one-minute cameo appearance as a monk in the hit Spanish TV series Money Heist.

But he destroyed all that work by expressing support for Bolsonaro.

I guess on the grounds that when you're playing in a front three with Killian Mbappe and Lionel Messi, you don't want a rainforest getting in the way.

So you're going to vote for whoever's going to destroy those rainforests.

And Ronald Diño also, in 2018, he backed Bolsonaro.

Now, Ronald Diño was one of the most joyously brilliant sports stars there has ever been.

He played football as if trying to cure the world of boredom and sadness with his magical visionary exuberance and otherworldly skills.

But politically, he votes like a 1980s British centre-back going in studs up knee-high on an opponent and jumping in his face and nutting the referee which is of course only a yellow card in those days

oh Andy if there is one thing how could we have been let down by professional footballers a group of people that have been known for nothing other than their strict moral code

Just to me, it was finding out Ronaldinho

had supported Bolsonaro.

It was a bit like finding out the Roger Federers scamming pensioners out of their savings by posing as a roof inspector and telling them they have to pay him to put new Grim Reaper-resistant tiles on their roofs.

Or the only reason Alison Felix learned to run so fast was that shows she could chase down, slay, and eat rhinoceroses, not for nutrition, but for fun.

That's why sport and politics shouldn't mix.

It'll only end up upsetting you.

I should just let you both know that while you were talking about soccer, I drew a rhombus and a trapezoid.

Neymar is also the sound that your racist uncle makes when they're trying to frustratedly remember my name.

That guy!

I can't stand him!

The woke guy!

Neymar!

Elsewhere in the democratic world, and the word democratic is in the largest available ironic inverted commas there.

Well, Vladimir Putin has had a huge democratic success in the Ukraine

referendums, widely written off as sham referendums.

99.2% of people in the Donetsk region voted to join Russia.

Now, that is a lot of percent, at 99.2%.

Let's put that in context.

That is the same percentage as people who agree with the proposition that the Earth, A, moves around the sun and B isn't flat.

It's the same percentage as people who think it's rude to use a chainsaw at a funeral.

It's the same percentage as people who prefer a sandwich to lunch rather than the bucket of sick poured on their heads.

It's the same percentage as people who didn't vote for Liz Truss to be Prime Minister.

I'm joking, of course, that was more like 99.87%.

And it's the same percentage as people who think David Attenborough should be king of Britain instead of at Chucky three time.

So

that seems a suspiciously large number does it not yeah i mean the margin for error i believe is 200

amazingly it's a mathematical impossibility but the margin for error in the referendums held by putin i believe is a sweet 200

putin has said that there are four uh new regions of russia uh and uh you know

That's a big claim.

Vladimir Putin is starting to be like an annoying work colleague who just writes their name on your lunch in the work fridge.

But more so, arguably.

But more so, yeah.

And then when you say, that's actually my spaghetti balladays, they say, I will nuke you.

I mean, the referendums, you know, obviously they're theater, but it's part of a larger strategy for this annexation of these territories.

He's trying to make himself look less, and the technical term I believe is Hitlery.

There were people going door to door taking votes and they were accompanied by soldiers and I believe things like this were said.

Don't mind the soldier.

He's just loading his gun.

His gun's name is Ukraine.

Anyway, do you want Russia or Ukraine?

But in another blow for Pootsy's fragile self-esteem, no sooner had he sham-voted four parts of Ukraine into Russia than Ukraine instantly started taking back some of those parts that he'd claimed now as Russia.

And the city of Lyman in the Donetsk region was taken back, which must have been a real disappointment to the 99.2% of people who'd voted to join the return actually gutted.

I've also actually just got the results of the referendum that the Bugle has run on who owns the Kamchatka Peninsula in the extreme east of Russia.

And a bit of a surprise: 101.3% of people have voted to be owned by Hari Kondabolu.

So,

Hari, you're now entitled to use the nuclear deterrent I know you possess to take control of the 777-mile-long dangly bit of formerly Russian land north of Japan.

So,

must be quite exciting for you.

I'm all about those dangly bits.

Family shock.

Also,

the mobilization that I think we talked about last week as well, that's still not going too well after thousands of the people that had been mobilized had to be sent home after being deemed unfit for duty.

I mean, it's really not going tremendously well from a Russian point of view, and particularly given that all they needed to do to be fit for duty was to stand around waiting to be killed.

So, very short of the fitness requirement for that

must show the trouble

Russia is in.

Oh, God.

Oh, that was arguably darker than that 9-11.

It's absolutely not great

for the war effort for Russia that their soldiers are not fit to be cannon fodder.

That is

absolutely

bleak as f.

What's going on in Russia?

It really sounds like they're all living like me over there.

Also a story came out

today that

it turns out that having bogusly annexed four territories on the back of its bogus result in bogus referendums, reports are suggesting that Russia now doesn't know exactly what bits it itself has claimed to have taken over.

Which is, I mean, it's just this is very confusing.

We live on a planet which, not unreasonably, has come to expect a bare basic level of administrative competence from its lunatic imperialist despots.

And for Putin to be falling short of that, but I just don't know where we stand as a species anymore.

It's very confusing.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

The Botox has migrated to the guy's brain.

And so I don't think that we can, I really don't think we can ascribe any rational.

The US Defense Secretary actually said this week, Putin's threat to go nuclear may not be a bluff.

And you're like, yeah, no shit, American Sherlock.

That is,

the guy will literally do any.

I mean, there's fragile masculinity, and then there is, I will nuke you if you don't be my friend.

UK in meltdown news now.

And, well, picking up on

the government's emergency mini-budget last week

that

didn't go down hugely well with, for example, anyone or anything.

Basically, it was criticised by everyone from a pidgin that left some extremely satirical deposits on on the roof of 10 Downing Street to the international currency markets, from old people randomly interviewed in the streets for reasons best known to TV news programmes, to usually slavishly Tory loyal newspapers.

It was criticised from everyone from former footballer Gary Neville to the International Monetary Fund, which is basically the whole spectrum of humanity.

It's been slammed by Labour.

It was slammed by many Conservatives.

And it's been a source of rancor, discord, and above all, befuddlement that a leadership duo of Liz Truss and Charles Fritz the Tech of Quasi-Quateng with absolutely no mandate whatsoever should try to bludgeon through a package of measures which even their own supporters thought was stark f ⁇ ing raving mad.

As a result of which, Truss's honeymoon period as Prime Minister turns out to have been the two weeks of national mourning when she couldn't f ⁇ ing say anything.

And

honeymoon period was the queen dying.

Basically the shortest honeymoon period since Henry VIII said, should I tell tell you what happened to my last wife.

Already tanking approval ratings are now below those of her predecessor, Boris Johnson, who lest we forget was a deceitful megalomaniac hounded out of office by his own team.

This is how bad it's gone down.

They've now had to pull back on their plan to cut the top rate of income tax.

The 45% bracket of income tax are going to come down to 40%,

as demanded by absolutely no one, not even the richest, most selfish people in the country had been demanding that.

Larry Summers, former US Treasury Secretary, said Britain will be remembered for having pursued the worst macroeconomic policies of any major country in a long time.

I'd like to take issue with this.

Let's have a bit of British boosterism here.

They're not the worst macroeconomic policies.

They are the most efficiently bad macroeconomic policies.

Some sub-incompetences take months or even years to emerge.

These were working in seconds, in seconds before the global markets tanked

the pound.

Nish, it's been a very strange time for British politics to have this new unwanted regime, essentially, that Tory MPs didn't want.

Less than half of Tory membership voted for.

now trying to drill through some of the most radical and poorly thought through economic policies we've ever seen.

Yeah, they're trying to shrink the size of the state in the same way that you can shrink a marshmallow if you drop it into a vat of hydrochloric acid.

It's been a catastrophic week and a half in Britain.

It started, as you say, I did with Kwasi-Quarteg's mini-budget, which he was not actually required to do.

But he opened his mouth and announced £45 billion worth of tax cuts, which led the pound to fall to a record low and forced the Bank of England to make an emergency £65 billion intervention so that people's pension funds funds didn't collapse.

Now, listeners of the podcast, which obviously doesn't include hurry, will know that I have had some bad gigs.

But so far, even I have not had a gig so bad that I've tanked the economy of an entire

country.

Kwateng, I salute you as one terrible public speaker to another.

The run on the pound caused a catastrophic fall in the UK's UK government bonds, which a lot of people's pension funds are tied up in, in something called the guilt market, which, side note, is also my nickname for my mother.

Say what you will about her, the woman is an absolute guilt market.

And

over the weekend, they consistently said that they would not be going back on these plans.

They would not U-turn on them.

They sent

various members of their party out to the absolute slaughter.

Simon Clark, who is the secretary for levelling up, now for Global Buglers, Levelling Up up is something that Boris Johnson kept saying that he was going to do the idea being he was the government was going to act to

deal with imbalances and regional inequality that they were going to level up the regions of the UK but levelling up it turned out was the same as one of Boris Johnson's wedding vows.

He said it out loud he had no interest in following it through.

The levelling up minister is now a man called Simon Clark who has the face and manner of someone who has killed and will again.

He said that Liz Truss would not at any point go back on what she was doing and he said that the entire the Liz Truss's plan was to pull Britain out of its fool's paradise, inadvertently perfectly describing Britain in the last 12 years as run by his party of absolute wankers.

But anyway, Liz Truss's robotic speaking style also does not help this given that she seems like a terminator who's been sent back in time to assassinate the British economy.

But After all of this, they have now done a U-turn.

Kwasi Kwateng announced this afternoon that they'll be getting rid of the 45p rate of tax.

Now that might seem like a good thing, but they're not reversing their corporation tax cuts, which are estimated to cost the UK Treasury £18 billion.

Coincidentally, the party has also suggested they're going to need to make £18 billion in cuts to government spending.

So it's very much robbing Peter to pay Paul, where Paul is an oligarch with several private jets.

And Quasi Kwarteng said today, we get it and we have listened.

But clearly, they don't get it and they haven't listened because neither Kwasi Kwateng nor Liz Truss has jumped up their own ass while going and themselves

oh that p off is well worth that

quarten was also uh facing some criticism that he'd attended a champagne reception with city of london financiers on the day that he'd released the mini budgets that instantly caused mayhem in the economy and he said with hindsight it probably wasn't the best day to go now

i don't

I don't think hindsight should come into that, should it, when you are in charge of the national economy.

I mean, a bit of foresight

would be nice.

He described the reception as just a Tory party event

and said, we have party events all the time, which in many ways makes it worse that essentially the Chancellor of the Exchequer is being paraded into events

to be, I don't know, I don't know, manipulated, nudged in a direction that suits the various donors of the party.

Yeah, I mean, I think there's two interesting things about that story.

One, Andy, is obviously you've used Tory party event, which is, of course, the collective noun of.

It's a Tory party event of.

And also, what's really even worse about that financier's reception is that as soon as it finished, there are reports.

I don't know if this is true, but there are reports that several of the hedge fund managers who were present at the champagne reception described him as a useful idiot.

I called Kwasi Kwatang a useful idiot.

He went and had champagne with them.

So he presumably was like, cheers, guys, you're my best friends.

And in their heads, they were thinking, you're a fing moron, and we are about to exploit the shit out of you.

They have various other allegations of which more may emerge in

coming weeks about other behind-the-scenes meetings.

But

Liz Truss

had said in an interview recently, I am a thrill seeker.

Now,

to me,

that is not a good quality if you are Prime Minister.

I think you might be in the wrong job.

If you are a thrill seeker and unable

not to say you're a thrill seeker, which is maybe even more important, that's not scream if you want to go faster and not the words you want to hear from a Prime Minister.

Or even go on, eat the strange-looking, unidentified fungus.

Thrill speaker, as Prime Minister is only a few logical steps away from snakes in schools, justified on the grounds that there are some problems in education, something needs to be done about them.

Putting snakes in schools is doing something, and it gets a discernible reaction in the media.

That is not the logic you want from your leaders.

Of course, we should emphasise this is early days, and just because the major financial institutions of this country and the rest of the world think it's a total catastrophe, it doesn't mean that it necessarily, definitely, absolutely 100% is.

It might just be a 99% partial catastrophe.

We will see.

We will see.

What remains totally baffling about this is how any government could look at the state of the nation that are non-moving trains, our massive NHS waiting lists, our inadequate housing, our turd-ridden beaches and think, we need a lot less money coming in to pay for all this.

That's the baffling thing about it.

I mean, I don't know if the logic is in cutting the top rate of tax niche, is to cut tax to incentivise people to earn more or just have completely different lives.

I I don't know if, I mean, that seems to be what they were thinking of.

But this left the markets vulnerable to market speculators who then earn shed loads betting against the British economy, and they will therefore pay more tax that will make up.

I mean, that's the only economic logic I can find.

It's been described as clown show economics, but I've been thinking about this, and I think clowns would do a better job economically.

I mean,

on transport, for example, they've got very environmentally friendly car-sharing schemes that actually

bring a lot of progress, I think, to

our

transport system.

You know, I think

they convey emotion

in a much more direct,

honest way.

I mean,

I would vote for a government of clowns.

If that was an option now, I would definitely have to do that.

I think the only way that what they've done in the last few weeks has in cover with the clown show is that the sound of a peddy whistle is the perfect impression of the value of the pound in the last week.

Perhaps the most terrifying words came from the Prime Minister herself, Liz Truss, who said, I have to do what I believe is right for the country.

And she seems determined to see that harrowing threat through.

You can only come to the conclusion that Liz Truss has run the numbers and decided the best thing for everyone is if Britain ends.

We will have exclusive coverage of the descent of the United Kingdom into a literal smouldering pile of nothingness over the next zero to thirty years.

That brings us to the end of this week's episode of the Bugle, which I hope you found illuminating and insightful.

Don't forget, there are a series of Bugle 15th anniversary live shows coming up.

London on the 15th, which is sold out, and the 22nd at the Leicester Square Theatre, Birmingham on the 27th of October.

Glasgow on the 30th of October.

Two shows featuring Nish Kumar and making bugle debut, Josie Long.

The

second show is sold out.

There's an earlier show that I think is on at about 4.30 in the afternoon.

Details on the internet.

And Dublin on the 3rd of November.

That will feature Chris Addison.

We'll also have Alice on the big screen and various other guests.

Birmingham is going to be Neil Delamere and Helen Zoltzman.

Do buy tickets to all of those shows.

Also don't forget to listen to our sister publication, The Gargle, out every Friday, hosted by Alice Fraser this week featuring Josh Gondelman and Eleanor Morton.

And don't forget also I'm doing some stand-up shows in November, Saturdays for Har shows in sort of the middle of the month in six different places, details, if you ask nicely.

Anything to plug?

I'm on tour again.

I'm going to be playing over the course of the next few weeks, Iowa, Nebraska, Tennessee, Georgia, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri.

So this may be my last time on the bugle.

Have you become a country music act?

I'm a thrill seeker.

What can I say?

I'm a thrill seeker.

You basing your tour schedule on the lyrics to Johnny Cash's I've Been Everywhere.

I will be at the Athenaeum in Melbourne, Australia on the 28th and 29th of November, 30th of November and the 1st of December at the Opera House.

And if you live in London, I'll be doing shows at the Bill Murray pub

from the 10th of October until the 16th of October.

So you can, there at various times, you will have Google.

Yeah, that's some outstanding plugging.

Some of our best work.

We will now play you out whilst you buy your tickets to all of the aforementioned shows with more entries on the Bugle Voluntary Subscribers Wall of Fame.

To join the Bugle Voluntary Subscription Scheme to keep this show free, flourishing, and independent, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button to give a one-off or recurring contribution of any size you see fit.

Until next week, goodbye.

Hey, Andy, can I just add one thing?

This was the most fun bugle I've ever been a part of.

And are they all this funny?

Because I might start listening.

They're not all funny.

Sometimes they have really whinging Americans on who just like hang on rash.

Hurry Condabolo, long time bugler, first time listener.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Joining the Bugle Wall of Fame this week and being attributed with great achievements from history are Bat Wench, who was an instrumental figure in the early development of avant-garde French cinema.

Aided by fellow Volonto subscriber Michael Rudge, who invented the director's chair prior to which film directors stood on a milk rate or log and lacked any real authority.

Emma Walker taught Jane Austen everything she needed to know about how to write a novel, but never makes a fuss about it.

And Martin Hopkins was basically Pythagoras in all but reality, what with all his theorems and stuff like that.

Mark Komorinski discovered seven of the 26 letters of the still popular Latin alphabet, and Sam Gordon secretly recorded the percussion tracks on a large range of highly influential jazz albums.

Sarah Schonbrunn personally built the centre court at Wimbledon in under three weeks for a school project, and it was on Gaynol Flora's suggestion that Alexander Graham Bell tried inventing a device for holding long-distance conversations.

Mia Henderson broke a peace deal between Canada and Bhutan that has resulted now in more than a century without a single conflict between those two nations and CC French was the first person to calculate that volcanic eruptions might be caused by science and stuff like that rather than the furious intervention of a very angry deity.

Thank you to all of our voluntary subscribers.

You can listen to other programs from The Bugle, including The Bugle, The Last Post, Tiny Revolutions, and The Gargoyle, wherever you find your podcasts.

Hi, Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.