The Best Of The Bin: Part 1

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to the final sub-episode of our Summer Hiatus 2022 and what a hiatus it has been.

This week, the best of the bin.

The section in the bin has been a key part of the bugle ever since about three minutes into its existence when the first section went straight in the bin.

This week we present you some of the finest rejected sections from almost 15 years of bugling and on the subject of 15 years of bugling we have added an extra show in London to our 15th anniversary tour.

That's on the 22nd of October also at the Leicester Square Theatre.

The 15th of October show has now sold out.

We also have shows in Birmingham on the 27th of October, Glasgow on the 30th of October and Dublin on the 3rd of November.

To get tickets, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the live link at the top or just search on the internet or ask someone nicely.

But now, the best of the bin, part one.

We've enjoyed putting this together so much that we're saving part two for a future sub-episode.

And to begin our first selection of the best of the bin, let's go back to the very first section in the bin, way back in 2007 and episode one.

of what has become the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world.

As with any newspaper, even an audio newspaper like this, some sections do go straight in the bin.

Today, those sections are the travel section, will people please stop going to Heathrow Airport.

It was designed by Hieronymus Bosch.

Just recycle it.

And also in the bin is the special lifestyle section, you and your stationary.

Why is it in there, Andy?

That is a needlessly heavy piece of sound.

As always,

some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin, including our exclusive Bugle Glastonbury review.

We look at some of the less well-known rock and pop acts who wowed the crowds at Glasters this year, including Juggernautica, the pioneers of Haulage Rock.

The Jugs were back at the farm for the first time since 2004,

with New this Year, the former lead driver of Truculens, another lorry-based rock band.

Of course, Juggernautka, the first band in Glasmuri history to use a fully functioning articulated lorry as an instrument on stage.

And their big hit, no worries when you're in my lorries.

That went down an absolute storm.

Also, the Jury 12, great bands, former jury from a long-running fraud case, formed as an a cappella band during two and a half years of rather dry technical testimony, in which they started singing close harmony summaries of bits of evidence to keep them fresh in their minds.

Andy, when was the last time you went to a music festival?

What do you think happens there?

What do you think actually happens?

Do you think every band is a concept band

from some kind of profession?

Yep.

Mostly, I mean, that is generally what happens, isn't it?

Yeah.

I do go to.

There is an actual truck fest, you know this, right?

I haven't ever been invited to truck fest.

Well, I don't have a truck, so

you know.

Yeah, where they just open up the back of trucks and they're the stages.

Right.

So I've heard it's pretty rocking.

Right.

If the trucks are rocking.

Right.

Does that work for other vehicles?

Is it like a smaller

acoustic van fest?

A van fest would work.

Scooter fest.

Scooter fest played for the Boston Biddies in the 1950s Nursing Home Baseball League.

I digress.

The jury 12s, big hits.

I don't care if you're innocent.

I just want to go home.

The evidence is all over your guilty face brackets like yogurt on a baby.

Ali, bye-bye.

You can't really remember the 4th of December.

And also, I mean, my personal favourites this year, albeit that obviously didn't go, Grumpel Stiltskins, the tantrum-based American strop rockers who smashed it up on the Huffstage with a 45-minute screamed version of their smash it, lost glob of chewing gum on the bus seat of paint.

So our Glastonbury section in the bin.

Also, in the bin, well, related to another historic anniversary, it's the 10th birthday of the iPhone.

And in our special iPhone section in the bin, we look at where the iPhone will be in 10 years.

And our scientists here at the Bugle have predicted that within 10 years, the iPhone will be able not only to completely read your mind but predictively write all your emails and texts for you.

You just have to trust the software and if your iPhone 12 breaks off your marriage and hooks you up with an Uzbek cattle rancher instead, well I think we all agree in this day and age your phone knows your f of a lot better than you do.

iPhones in 2027 will also be able to physically eat your loved ones and turn them into really realistic emojis.

They'll be able to predict your entire life story and death to within 99.94% accuracy, saving you the hassle of worrying about the future and whether or not that tickly cough is or isn't fatal.

And your iPhone will be able to perform invasive surgery on you whilst you sleep.

It will completely monitor your body so that you will wake up in the morning having already had your appendix lopped out without even knowing you needed it.

So exciting times for

the future of iPhones.

The iPhone turning 10, does that mean that it's now turned as old as the children who make it?

That's pretty amazing.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

Well, it isn't this week.

There is no section in the bin.

Life is in the bin.

Oh, God.

This is what I was worried about.

Well, at least there's some cricket on, but we're being stuffed by the South Africans again.

Oh, dear.

Now, as always, some sections of the bugle are going straight.

They're going.

Where?

Good point, well made.

In the bin, this week, Keep Fit section.

Who here is attempting to keep fit at the moment?

Very few of you, good, the rest of you heroes.

We already can't afford pensions.

The last thing we need is people living longer and healthier lives.

But if you are into that, we review the latest

Keep Fit accessories, including the Breeze Block Bandana.

Really works up your neck muscles.

The Trampo Clean, which is a

you bounce up and down whilst doing the dishes on the trampo clean.

You simply place your trampo trampoclean next to the sink and then wash and dry your dirty crockery and glassware whilst giving yourself a good bit of a boing.

And that burns up more calories than death.

Also, very good for your fitness, barking.

Have you ever wondered why you never see a dog in a hospital?

That's because

barking is the healthiest activity known to humanity.

Just 10 bouts of barking at a real perceived or imagined threat to yourself, home, owner, or sense of normality can burn off more calories than being a gladiator

and also opens up your epifrottles and lungal tubulars good and proper.

And also,

it's got to be a better bar.

That's not that's shouting bark.

That is not

put some effort in, for sake.

That's the problem if you train a dog using subtitles.

no sections in the bin

as always.

The section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, the Country Music Awards section, hot on the heels of my visit to Nashville, Tennessee.

They're holding the annual Country Music Awards.

Interesting place, Nashville, incidentally.

For those of you who don't know, it was my first time there, and I had not known before I went there.

What Nashville has, that you wouldn't necessarily expect a city in Tennessee, USA to have in the year 2017, is a full-scale replica of the Parthenon, the famous ancient Greek temple that sits proudly on top of the Acropolis in Athens.

It was built in 1897 for the Nashville Exposition, and it's still there.

I mean, it's quite fascinating, I don't know if I have one of these relics from

time gone by, but clearly Nashville sat around in the late 19th century and thought, well, we're a growing city.

What do we need?

What is going to see us through the next few thousand years?

Any ideas?

How about a fing Parthenon?

Why not?

Big awards at the Country Music Awards, as always.

A lot of speculation over who's going to take away the big gongs, including biggest hat, most hats, least original song, best beard to hat ratio, most objectively sinister lyric about a young woman.

That is always very hotly contested.

And

least original album as well.

So there's some very tightly fought categories.

Some of the big stars of country are performing live, including Hinkley Struggins.

He'll be singing his hit song, I'll Give My Soul to the Devil, but he ain't getting hold of my truck.

And Grayvon Hudge, showing the influence of Donald Trump with his recent country chart number one, I'll build my wall around your heart oh because I've seen you looking at Ricardo.

Anyway, those sections in the bin.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the men this week.

An exclusive supplements to mark the return of the hits, Emmy Award-winning early 20th century costume drummer Downton Abbey.

Now,

did you meet the Downton Abbey crew at the Emmys, John?

No, but I did see the weirdest juxtaposition on stage that whole night was Julian Fellows,

the writer of Downton Abbey, standing next to the cast of Entourage.

And it was clear that neither side really understood what the other one was doing with their face.

I prefer to think of Julian Fellows as the host of the rightly short-lived BBC3

comedy panel show, Never Mind the Full Stops, a panel entirely based on punctuation and grammar.

How did that not work?

That had mainstream success.

Why did Fellows not get the Emmy for that?

And yet he does get it for Downtown.

Is Downtown Abbey big in America, John?

I definitely don't care.

Anyway,

so here's our exclusive supplements with with spoilers on the second series.

With war raging across Europe, can Lord Grantham complete the Times crossword and point at a tree before it's too late?

Will the scandal of the slightly over-toasted toast ever be satisfactorily resolved?

Will Bates ever recover from having a sip of water?

Will old Mrs.

Crawley and the oxygenarian dowager countenance ever get it on?

Will Butler Cast admit to dipping his trungler in the soup just to see what it was like?

Will Lady Fortula recover from her embarrassing flatulence in front of Lord Scriphant?

And what was Assistant Sub-Valet Painforth going on about when he started screaming about tearing the hearts out of virgins and scratch and sacrificing them to Beelzebub?

Plus, how will the family react to the shocking discovery that Lady Ethel has a vagina?

All coming up in series two of the unmissable Downton Abbey.

Oh, such class-based drama.

As always, a section of the Bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, a natural world section to help the natural world fight back in its battle against the bad luck of biodiversitational destruction.

We at the Bugle have teamed up with the Organization for the Introduction of New Creatures, or OINC, to give you buglers the chance to choose a new hybrid to be bred in captivity and released into the wild.

The world has already seen wonderful hybrid creatures entertain and enthrall millions.

The mule, the tiger, the lager, which is a llama tiger hybrid, the sausage dog, the mermaid, the horse chestnut, the buffoon, cross between a buffalo and a raccoon, the snake, which of course is half worm, half crocodile, the widgeon, cross between a whale and a pigeon, which of course itself is a cross between the pig and the curmudgeon.

No wonder they're crap when they can't.

You can choose from one of not one, not two, but five contenders for the new hybrid to be unleashed on the world in spring of 2022.

Contender A, the Zabrillion, the zebra chameleon cross that can flip the colour and pattern of its stripes to order.

Contender B, the bumble vulture.

Do you like birds of prey but wish you could hear them coming?

This buzzy but carrion-hungry bee scavenger cross could be the one for you.

Never again be surprised when a Carpacho-addicted raptor swoops down to feast on your local carcass.

Also, striping.

Contender C, the Labradolphin, lovable, loyal doggy, but with added aquatic functionality and sonar.

Sign me up.

Contender D, the Tyrannosaurus ferret, fairly self-explanatory.

And Contender E, the anacondominium, part snake, part apartment book.

Let us know your preferred creature, and the winning entries will receive one daddy gamete, one mummy gamete, and a DeLuke silk-lined Bluetooth-enabled auto-womb to grow them in.

Do please send us pictures of the results.

Also, in our natural worlds section, Fossil of the Week.

Now, this week, our fossil of the week is Geraldine, an 8-centimetre-long, 420-million-year-old trilobite from modern-day Portugal.

Much missed by all who knew her, Geraldine sadly did not live to see her beloved Portugal win the 2016 European Football Championships, but nonetheless was proud to be an arthropod and a member of one of the most successful and long-lasting classes of animal ever to grace this famous planet.

Whilst little is known of her personal life, she is thought to have been a keen swimmer and owner and user of a very natty exoskeleton who was highly skilled in the use of antennae.

While some of her lifestyle choices and worldviews may seem dated to our modern tastes, Geraldine seems to have lived a happy life and been a valued member of the trilobite community.

And although she guarded her privacy tightly, she never once complained about being preserved for eternity in rock and hounded in death by the paleontology.

Geraldine is our fossil of the week.

That section in the bin

As always

some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week a home safety supplement including advice on what to do if you fall off your sofa.

One, stay calm.

Two, deploy your parachute if your sofa was by the door of an aeroplane.

3.

Spend a minute or two assessing the situation before you make your next move.

Do not rush into action.

And 4.

Call your local MP or government representative to ask him or her what they're planning to do about it.

Also in the bin, a section on how to care for exotic pets, including lions.

If you have a lion, remember that lions like privacy, so make sure your lion has its own bedroom.

He may miss home, so make sure you set him up with a games console and a zebra hunting game.

That should satisfy his bloodlust temporarily, but if he starts getting stroppy and demanding a kill, take him up to the local park to feed on the ducks.

That's all for your best of the bin part one.

We'll be back in the very near future with a full episode of the Bugle as the United Kingdom looks forward excitedly to getting rid of its current Prime Minister and looks forward extremely unexcitedly to getting a new one, plus everything else that's happening in the universe.

Thank you for listening.

Don't forget to buy your tickets for all of our live shows, including that extra London date on the 22nd of October, via the Bugle website thebuglepodcast.com, where you can also join the voluntary subscription scheme and make a one-off or a recurring contribution to help keep the bugle free, flourishing, and independent.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.