SCOMO versus ALBO

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4230 of The Bugle, the audio newspaper which has now chronicled over one seventieth of this millennium.

That is the most we've ever done of a millennium.

We'd hovered around the zero 70ths in all previous millennia, so a definite step up.

I'm Andy's Ultimate.

It's the 16th of May 2022 here as we record.

Whereas you, yes, you stop whatever you're doing and pay attention, especially if you're doing...

Honestly, sometimes I wish we couldn't hear what you buglers are doing when you listen to the show through the special customer research software we use to know exactly how to pitch our intrusive marketing campaigns.

Anyway, whereas you will be listening on a date between 1 and 365 billion days from now.

We have a 1 billion year limitation on this episode, so don't leave it too late if you haven't listened to it yet.

Joining me this week from just up the road in South London, it's Nish Kumar, and from just down a tunnel, drilled directly through the Earth's core from South London and out the other side, and then about a 1500 mile swim to Tasmania, it's Tom Ballard.

Hello, both of you, how are you?

Hello, Andy!

Hello, buglers.

Look at us.

Yeah, how's Tasmania?

It is beautiful.

It is very cold.

We went on a cruise yesterday.

I'm filming a TV show down here.

Went on a cruise yesterday, and we were surrounded by dolphins and seals and a mother-flipping humpback whale, and it was absolutely magic.

Oh, awesome.

On the boat, or were they in the sea?

No,

they mugged us afterwards.

We were surrounded.

It was...

And did you have to take it?

No, yes, on the boat.

Do you have to take your own harpoons or do they provide you food?

No, you're not allowed to do that anymore, please.

Tasmania's changed.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Tom.

Hello, buglers.

Can I just clarify, Andy?

Have you opened today's show by implying that people masturbate whilst listening to the bugle?

Absolutely.

Is that the way that you

interpret it?

Is the way that you chose to start this day?

Are you suggesting people are jacking it to pun runs?

Absolutely not, Nish.

Absolutely not.

No, we have had emails from people suggesting they were

engaged in

certain activities that might not be necessarily appropriate for discussing on a family show such as this.

But no, no,

absolutely not.

That is your filthy mind judging other people by your

horrific standards, Nish.

I can only masturbate to this podcast.

They say that the internet is doing weird things to people's sexuality.

It's done a real number on mine, let me tell you.

Well, when I orgasm, I say hello,

oh dear.

This show has gone.

Stuck it out of the mat.

I missed you guys.

So fast.

Right.

We are recording on the 16th of May 2022.

The news quiz on Radio 4 is not opening with this.

You haven't played it backwards.

We are recording on the 16th of May, 2022.

On this day, in 1969, the Venera 5, a Soviet space probe, lands on Venus.

At the time, it was the most toxic atmosphere encountered by a Russian object since overtaken by Vladimir Putin's dinner table.

On the 17th of May in 1900, the US author L.

Frank Baum published the wonderful wizard of Oz.

Interestingly, since that day, there's been a massive increase in extreme weather events, but a decline in the number of people made of tin.

Read into that what you will.

Incidentally the L of L Frank Baum stood for Lizard King.

And on the 17th of May 1902 the Greek archaeologist Valerios Stais fiddling around with some rusty old crap from a 2,000-year-old shipwreck discovered the Antikythera mechanism now viewed as probably the world's first analog computer.

Now it dates from before woke icon Jesus Christ started giving it the whole be nice to each other stick.

The Antikythera anti-Kathara mechanism consists of numerous intricate cogs and wheels that could perform computer style functions.

It's not entirely clear what it was for, but it's thought to include a free, if basic, chariot racing simulator, some hidden cogs and pictures from some seriously NSFW vases, a game in which you had to get a six-letter word in just four ghosts.

They were more advanced in those days.

And an actual cookie.

It's also slightly dented on the surface, thought to have been left when the owner shouted, why the hell have they changed the operating system?

I only just got used to the last one.

F it, I'm going back to papyrus.

As always, a section of this esteemed audio newspaper is going straight in the bin.

This week we have a should you resign section.

Much debates around the world on whether when and whether political leaders should resign.

We give you a couple of hypothetical scenarios.

You have to tell us whether you would or would not resign.

You are a cabinet minister and you've been caught accepting campaign money from a mysterious woman by the name of Beatrice Elsie Bubb, although she insists on being called B, in exchange for eternal possession of the souls of all your constituents.

Should you resign?

Should you not resign?

We'll leave that up to you.

Or you are head coach of your national team at the World Anticipation Championships.

Your team gets surprisingly knocked out in the first round by Uruguay, and at the press conference afterwards, you say, I just didn't see that kind of performance coming.

Should you resign, or should you cling on to your job?

That section is in the pin.

I should also point out that every so often Tom Ballard is sipping from a lovely-looking glass of red wine because of the Australian time difference.

And let me tell you, it's giving the whole air of this episode a classier feel.

It's like the bugle meets Frasier.

I mean, it is the Australian time difference.

It's also a Monday evening, so I'd also say my alcoholism factors into it.

Oh, I mean, I'm absolutely shit-faced.

But it's 11 a.m.

I'm just, it's 11 a.m.

and and I'm a British patriot.

It's coffee mugs filled with vodka.

British vodka, thank you very much.

Brussels.

It's the only way to get through the week these days.

It's British vodka.

It's made up of mashed crisps.

Top story this week.

Australia is about to go to the polls.

On the 21st of May, this Saturday, Australia will have its fortnightly general, sorry, triennial general election.

No mistake.

Not far off.

Incumbent Prime Minister Scott Morrison struggling in the polls after proving highly effective at not being highly effective.

This could potentially herald the end of nine years of Liberal Party government.

Tom,

I don't know where you're running in the polls, but I assume you've got a chance of taking over.

Everyone in Australia seems to do it at some point in their lives.

But what's bring us up to date with what no doubt has been a thrilling and and edifying campaign?

It's an electrifying contest, Andy, I've got to say.

We do have Liberal Party Prime Minister Scott Morrison, aka Scomo, dubbed Scomo by the public, leader of the Australian Labour Party, Anthony Albanese, aka Albo,

they're facing off.

Australian politics has come down to Scomo versus Albo, for we are a nation of cavemen.

I don't think we're ever going to have elections in Australia anymore.

It's just going to come down to Scomo and Albo wrestling each other to the death death in a muddy billabong, and whoever wins become the bloody primo of Australia, and they'll be crowned with a wide-brimmed cork hat made out of racism and coal.

That's the contest.

Albo, Anthony Albanese, is an aspiring guy.

He's got a lot of momentum going on.

At the start of 2021, he was involved in a near-fatal car crash.

He kicked off this election campaign by being unable to name the unemployment rate, and he then proceeded to demonstrate how in touch he is with ordinary people by contracting the novel coronavirus.

So he's going very well.

He's been at pains to make it clear to the Murdoch media in Australia that he is not woke.

He did a front page cover of a Murdoch paper saying he's not woke.

In fact, he is so dedicated to being not woke, he insists on giving press conferences and speeches that send people to sleep.

So that's a lot of dedication.

You got elbowed, then, on the other hand, for Scott Morrison, he's a c.

That's pretty much the summary of the two sides that we have that will be facing it off this Saturday, Adi.

Right, a dance as old as democracy itself.

I am fascinated by the idea of you guys starting elections on a Saturday.

That simply would not wash in Britain.

People would be processing their Friday night hangovers that segue immediately into their Saturday afternoon drinking sessions.

It would be, for a country that already has a low electoral turnout, I think the turnout would be in minus numbers.

In Australia, it is...

It's compulsory, isn't it?

To do at least a week.

People would just price.

Andy, be honest, if they made it compulsory, people would just price the fine into their Friday night drinking.

Let's be honest.

Let's be honest.

Let's have a whip round.

Oh, and the fines, and the fines, yeah.

One of the biggest issues, of course, in the election is climate policy.

Obviously, we don't want to spend too much time on this.

Climate crisis, not really generally considered to be much of a comedy gold mine.

Fun fact, gold mines emit nearly an entire ton of CO2 for every ounce of gold they produce.

And Australian gold mines are some of the dirtiest in in the world.

You see what I mean?

It's a real boner killer.

That's going to really affect my wank tomorrow to this podcast.

Jesus.

You people.

This is a sophisticated newscast.

Honestly, John Oliver will be turning in his grave.

What?

What happens with the Earth's climate is obviously very important for Australia.

There are are basically two seasons in this country, on fire and underwater.

We're copying so many devastating fires and floods these days.

Australia is now basically the Bible with more swearing.

Well, yeah.

Tom, yes.

I mean, yes, Australia has suffered droughts, floods, fires, crocodiles, coral reefs, calling in sick over and over again, various other biblically inspired plagues.

And

I mean, not all of them can be directly attributed to you contravening God's holy laws.

But how is it?

That's, you know, with 0.3% of the world's population, Australia responds.

If you include the export of fossil fuels for 3.6% of the world's carbon emissions, its emissions reduction target of 26% is half of the US and UK benchmarks.

And those benchmarks should not be benchmarks, given that our benches are also essentially

on fire.

I mean, how's it going, Tom,

in finding, for example, to help with weaning yourself off carbon, finding, for example, a 37,000 mile long coastline that might have some tides or winds or shit like that that could be maybe harnessed if the technology is ever developed to turn such things into electricity or maybe 6.5 million square kilometers of uninhabitable land that does pretty much f all most of the time apart from dying there being shone on by the sun.

I mean is there any hope for Australia?

Those are some good ideas.

They haven't come up yet.

But you should write a letter or something to Scomo or elbow.

It's very complicated down here, Andy, because, you know, obviously we're one of the the most vulnerable countries when it comes to the impacts of climate change.

So, obviously, on one hand, it's in our interests to solve that problem.

On the other hand, we are making shitloads of money by exporting fossil fuels around the world.

So,

science.

You know, these are the two arguments that we have.

And, you know, climate scientists may be accurate or whatever, but as far as the Australian ruling class is concerned, money speaks louder than nerds.

Perfect.

It's pretty happy with that.

Rightly so, Tom.

Rightly so.

I'll masturbate to that as I listen back.

Both major parties are claiming to have the best.

Horrific.

That was a Perry Como song in the 50s, I think.

Both major parties are claiming to have the best climate policy this election.

They've both bravely committed to making Australia reach net zero carbon emissions by 2050, by which time both SCOMO and Albo will be in their 80s, I'll be in my 60s, and Bangladesh will be in the C.

But it's not exactly the most believable or inspiring deadline for the deep carbonisation.

I think it's fair to say that net zero by 2050 isn't informed by science or political decisions.

It's really just us loving a round number, right?

Like Australia actually needs to decarbonise by 2035, but that's not divisible by two, and it's not very catchy, so that can piss right off.

Also, 2050's got an O on the end, as numbers go, isn't it?

So that fits into the Albo Scomo thing.

It's 2050 is

something that you you can cling to as a nation.

2050.

It is surprising that people are not more worried about the climate crisis in regards to Australia because

here's the thing about a lot of the Global South.

It's filled, and these are not my words, with people who look like f ⁇ ing me.

And as we've learned from history, people who look like me do not make huge amount of waves in the people giving a shit about it in the global north.

But there are white people in Australia.

Why are there white people in Australia?

Let's not open that can of historical worms.

Australia makes up 0.3% of the world's population, but is responsible for just over 1% of global emissions.

And so Australia has a very small population but contributes a disproportionately high amount to the climate crisis with catastrophic global consequences.

In many ways, it is like cricket in that Australia has a very small population but contributes a disproportionately high percentage to the game with catastrophic global consequences.

Why would you slag off cricket to an Indian and Andy Zoltzmann?

That's right.

It's not just God, you're an abomination in the eyes off, let me tell you that.

Scott Morrison's plans, if they can be called that, have been criticised for relying on technologies that not only don't work yet or are as yet unproven or are currently too expensive, but on technologies that don't even exist yet.

So essentially his policy is to just assume that someone is going to sort it out

in future.

I mean the history of this, you know, you go back to the dinosaurs, assuming someone's going to invent an asteroid net.

That didn't work out too well.

All mistakes were made throughout history.

Morrison, obviously a bit of a carbon emissions fan, he nailed his colours firmly to the burning mast when he took a lump of coal into Parliament a few years ago to show his support for the Australian anti-fossil fuels staying in the ground movement.

Now, I'm not sure

how he'd have shown his support, for example, the Australian sewage processing industry or Australian pig breeders or brain surgeons, but he did show his support for the car and he decided to take in a lump of coal.

And I guess the option would have been to take in a doll representing future generations saying, what have you done to my world?

But a coal was going to be easier to fit in his pocket.

He held up the coal and he said, This is a coal, don't be afraid, don't be scared, it won't hurt you.

Which is like, Well, no, not if you just hold it, you loser.

The point is, if you burn it, it's a bit CO2, which cooks the atmosphere.

It's like you can't just hold up, like, this is a McDonald's El Maco burger.

Don't worry, it won't hurt you.

What if I eat it?

Then it will definitely kill you.

Yeah, be careful.

Why am I being arrested?

I was just waving the gun around.

This is a bullet, it won't hurt you.

There have been six mass bleaching events on the Great Barrier Reef in the last few years.

I mean, that is...

That is a catastrophic.

I mean, that's the worst mass bleaching event since the vogue at the turn of the century for frosted tips.

I don't recall that vogue, Nish.

I had a bleaching joke as well.

I said that the Morrison government's plan of emissions reduction of 35% by 2030 is consistent with the world reaching three degrees of warming, which would mean the Great Barrier Reef will become more bleached than an Instagram model Zanus.

Yours works too.

I think they both work, don't you think, Danny?

We've covered the alpha and omega of bleaching jokes.

It depends what you mean by work, I guess.

No election is complete these days, Tom, without an absolutely batshit crazy candidate banging on about gender.

Who has taken the prize for the most batshit crazy in the Australian election?

Oh, it is a crowded field, Eddie's ultimate, but I think the first prize has to go to the former lawyer and Liberal candidate in the Sydney seat of Wooinga.

This is the former seat of one Tony Abbott, who was always very progressive on social issues.

The Liberal Party has identified Catherine Deeves, former lawyer and advocate for

women's sport, she says, as their candidate.

She says she's passionate about protecting women's sport from the horrific nightmare that is transgender inclusion.

Now, obviously, I am qualified to talk about this story, Andy.

All regular bugles would know that if there's two things Tom Ballard is an expert in, it's sport and women.

So let's plow on.

Apparently, those two things come together sometimes in what's known as women's sport.

Have you heard about this, Andy?

I've never, I don't believe it, but.

But Miss Deeve says she's worried that the whole existence of women's sport is under threat by including trans women.

She's been making her feelings about that subject very, very clear in a series of extremely spicy tweets for quite a few years now.

The problem for Catherine Deeves is that those tweets are on Twitter, which is on the internet, which is a thing that people can read.

And even though she deleted all of those tweets when she transitioned, we might say, into becoming a liberal candidate, people have very easily found those tweets and started to ask some basic questions like, what the f ⁇ ?

What the hell?

And what the f ⁇ ing hell is wrong with you?

In the deleted tweets, Deves describes

trans children as being surgically mutilated and sterilized, said that gay men using surrogacy was a human rights violation, and compared her fight against trans inclusion to fighting against the Nazis during World War II.

Basically, she's our Graeme Linehan without a body of work of beloved situational.

She's like a J.K.

Rowling who can't write.

That's basically her vibe.

And Deves wrote about how she felt triggered by simply seeing the LGBTQIA plus rainbow flag.

She wrote, whenever I see it on social media, I think, what now?

What are they demanding now?

A disposition she shares with satirical comedian Andy Zaltzman, who insists on replying to my emails with phrases like, what do you want now, Tommy Twinkle Toes?

And look out, lads, Ballard's here, back's against the wall.

Which doesn't even make sense.

I said confidential at the top of those emails.

Deeves also once wrote on a website her concern that the introduction of respectful relationship workshops in schools would lead to young boys coming home and asking their parents to have their penises removed, which is some pretty fing intense homework.

But in response to all the outrage,

Deeves has made an apology, so she's made it all good.

She said, in my dedication to fighting for the rights of women and girls, my language has on occasion been unacceptable, which I'm sure we can all relate to.

You know what it's like, Nish.

You're just full of, like, hept up on your passion for social justice.

One thing leads to another, and before you know it, you're comparing trans people to Nazis.

That's Catherine Deeves' problem.

She just cares too damn much.

What do you guys think about Australia policies?

Does this appear in your headlines at all?

Is the relationship between Scurbo and Elbow weighing on the minds of the people of Britain?

To be honest, no.

I mean, we do our absolute level best to ignore pretty much everything in the news, I think, at the moment.

So, I mean, we can't even really give that much of a shit about the relationship between our own Prime Minister and the concept of truth and dignity.

So, why we should care about Australian politics?

We just don't have the bandwidth, I think.

What does Scomo think about Wagatha Christie?

That's how it gets into it.

I have not followed I saw that headline and I refused to encourage it by clicking on the article.

What is the Wagatha Christie?

I don't know what it is.

Oh, it's one of the great stories of intrigue of our time.

It involves two people who are married to famous footballers and potential information leaking to...

Basically, it's our generation's Watergate.

Yeah, but more so, I think.

Actually, our generation's Watergate is the various scandals our Prime Minister is embroiled in.

But it's what we have allowed our generation's Watergate to be,

effectively.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Wagatha Christie trial, I can bring you up to date with this.

It's a trial involving the wives of two prominent English footballers.

Probably the biggest legal hoo-ha involving the uh spouses of uh leading sportsmen since Douglas Jardine's missus and Don Bradman's wife ended up in court over a disagreement about who started trying to explain body line bowling with the last remaining profiterole at the T Interval in the nineteen thirty two-thirty three Adelaide Test match.

That was also known as the Watha Conan Doyle trial, I believe.

Um the uh Wagatha Christie began when Colleen Rooney, wife of uh footballer Wayne, planted fake stories on her Instagram feed to try to catch whoever was leaking stories from her feed to The Sun, the self-proclaimed newspaper.

As it turned out, what happened was she stumbled on a global conspiracy involving covert Russian operatives flooding the British news media with an unending diet of stories about celebrities to distract the nation from the fact that the ill-gotten gains of dubious Russian kleptocrats were being baked into the heart of British society and politics, eating away at the fabric of our body politic from within.

So that's essentially what happened, but we haven't heard the whole story yet.

Sometimes this show is like a f ⁇ ing Adam Curtis documentary.

NATO News Now and Finland and Sweden are applying to join NATO, or as it's also known, Club 1949, which currently has 30 member nations.

Two more would be wonderful for NATO.

It would make the internal competitions so much easier.

Having 32, you could go straight into a five-round knockout or eight points of four, Whereas 30 at the moment is badly a logistical nightmare.

I just hope it doesn't go to the same.

This man can see a sports tournament in literally anything.

He walks into the world.

It'd be much better if war was organised as a sports tournament with a series of round robins.

I think at least we'd know where everything was going then.

We'd have a good plan.

Well,

John and I used to do a sketch, a very amusing sketch, which we drew the quarterfinals for

the year's wars

many years ago.

It might have got out in a previous sub-bugle, but

might see if I can dig it out from somewhere.

So, reference to Russia?

I've seen this.

It was.

So, we drew the ball in the FA Cup draw we have here, so you draw balls out, and each country has a number.

If I can remember off the top of my head, the first one was number five, Russia, always strong at home, but we'll play

number one, the United States of America.

That's the one the fans have wanted to see for years.

Next up, number three, Great Britain, without a significant win in a while, will play number six, India.

Well, that could be closer than last time.

Number seven, the Democratic Republic of Congo, will play number seven, the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Another local derby between these two old rivals.

Let's just hope more people tune in to watch it this time around.

That was the line that made it satirically valid.

And finally,

number eight, Palestine, will play number two, Israel.

And number one, the United States of America.

That concludes the quarterfinal draw for this year's wars.

There's a bit of...

I reckon that was about 2004 we first did that.

Did that sketch?

I mean that last line continues to be bleakly topical,

especially in a week where

the IDF proved that they really continue to put the IDF into the phrase IDGAF.

And the thing they don't give a f about is basic decency or human rights.

Putin has warned his

Finnish counterpart that joining NATO and abandoning Finland's neutral status would be, quotes, a mistake.

And if there's one man in the world right now who knows about making mistakes, it's

the early front runner for f of the millennium Vladimir Putin.

And it's looking all set to be another very hotly contested title, that one, with some impressive entries already sent in.

Both countries are set to abandon decades of non-alignment in response to Russia's so-called special military operation in Ukraine.

Uh, thus far, not wildly special, unless by special you mean remorselessly brutal, yet incompetent to an almost slapstick degree.

So, and it's an operation the same way that you give yourself an operation when dealing with an itchy elbow by revving up your chainsaw, charging onto a crowded train, chainsawing both your own arms off, and shouting, I'm gonna get you to the confused passengers.

Um, Russia has not

taken this uh this well.

It's threatened retaliation.

Nisha is our

Nordic military correspondent.

Where does this leave that?

You look at me, you think two words, you think Scandinavian military.

So, look,

at this point, Vladimir Putin, in a phone call with the Finnish president, Saudi Niesto, said that it was an example of a pronunciation I've almost certainly butchered.

But all I would say is that is revenge on white people for generations of calling me Naish.

Okay?

Nais.

You go for fish and chips, not fiech and chipes.

I think John Connery called you Naish once.

It was a mental compliment, really.

He's warned the Finns in a phone call that joining NATO would be a mistake.

He said the Russian leader had stressed that the end of the traditional policy of military neutrality would be a mistake since there is no threat to Finland's security.

Now, at this point, Vladimir Putin is simply the wolf who cried boy.

He has absolutely no grounds on which to make a case that he is not a threat to anyone's national security at this point.

And I mean, he's sort of inadvertently strengthening NATO by his policy of invading everyone who I feel like invading.

One of the most disturbing elements of all of this, not directly related to the conflict itself, is I was aware that Santa Marin, who is the Prime Minister of Finland, was a young politician.

I did not know how jarringly young she was.

She is

three months younger than me.

She's 36 years old.

She is three months younger than me.

And she is currently embroiled in a geopolitical situation born out of Vladimir Putin's Botox-driven insanity.

For context, two days ago, I slept through my alarm, which was set for 11 a.m.,

and only woke up at midday because I farted myself awake.

We're two people who were born in 1985 that are dealing with very different problems.

Salmon Marin and I, literally our year of birth is, I would say, the only thing the two of us have in common.

Well, maybe if you stopped telling that story during the Finnish elections, Nish, you might have fared a little bit better.

Fing weirdo.

To be fair to Finland and Sweden, though, you can see why they wanted to go with NATO.

Because applying to join the Russian Federation at the moment, it's not looking too attractive, is it?

I mean, the way they go about trying to sign new members seems a little, well, a little too far on the aggressive end of the marketing and recruitment at Seesaw.

Also, NATO has a special promotion at the moment.

If you you join, you get a free cuddly nuclear warhead toy, Deidry the Deterrent.

You get an 800-mile length of do not cross tape, and you get a free prayer from the political or religious leader of your choice in the event of a Russian invasion, which has proved so effective in Ukraine.

Britain's signed mutual security pacts with the two countries, meaning that I think if a stagdo gets out of control in Gibraltar, the Finno-Swedic special forces have to deal with it.

And also, if, as now seems just a matter of time, the

woke army ever launches a ground invasion of the UK to back up its cultural occupation of this land, all daily mail and telegraph columnists and readers will be offered sanctuary in a special boat in the middle of a Finnish lake.

So, I mean, it's quite it's quite a kind of momentous moment for this country as well, wouldn't you say?

I know, and it's going to be a cruel awakening when the people who have left Britain because they think it's, quotes, too woke, end up in Scandinavia and see some of their policies in regards to things like you know, paid leave for working mothers.

it's gonna absolutely blow their fing minds it's one of the stumbling blocks to Sweden and Finland joining NATO is Turkey and President Erdogan who I think is pretty we're pretty comfortable in saying is a total

has accused both countries of harbouring terrorist organizations that he has almost certainly made up in his head and this is sort of fundamentally the problem with NATO is that they didn't institute early enough a no policy And

at the very least, they should have moved away from their one-vote policy.

Because now we're in a situation where NATO is, no offence, full of f.

And

the now have a vote.

And unfortunately, the gs are going to vote the way c are going to vote, like

it's very eloquently put, Nish.

And, you know, if only the Finnish leaders could express these things in as

sophisticated language as you do, as

alumni of 1985, then the world will be a calmer place.

Boris Johnson has said that he cannot see any way back for Putin in terms of renormalising relations with the international community.

And I can see his point.

I mean, he's certainly going to have to buy a good four or five Premier League teams and host the

absolute grandmother of all golf tournaments.

And Johnson said in an interview on LBC Radio, repentance is going to be very difficult for Vladimir Putin now.

And this is why Johnson is the ideal leader for these times.

Because when even he is in a position to morally grandstand to someone to talk about the difficulty of repentance and the moral depths to which you've sunk, those words have fing meaning.

Yeah, Putin is going to make some serious donations to the Conservative Party, I think, to get back into good folks.

Oh, he listen, he is one fat election donation away from being a member of the British landed gentry.

Johnson talks a good game.

Johnson talks a very, very good game.

But if we're honest,

at the 2024 election, if Putin makes a substantial sum, we will be looking at Lord Putin of Brexitshire in the House of Lords in 2025.

I was going to make jokes about like, oh, who cares if Finland joins you or whatever?

Like, you know, I'm sure the Finnish military is like dumb and small and crappy and shitty.

I looked it up.

Thanks to conscription, they have more citizens who are fit for military service than Australia does.

Okay, so whatever happens, Finland, we love you guys.

We enjoy salmon.

We think your Eurovision entries are hilarious.

Please don't hurt us.

Kitosh, as you say.

But there have actually been some calls from right-wing figures and crazy war-mongering nationalists in Australia saying that Australia should join NATO, which would really revolutionize our entire understanding of the concept of the North Atlantic.

If Australia joins NATO, the North Atlantic could be stretched all the way to the South Pacific, and that could be a serious game changer.

But let me tell you, Andy, if Putin and his cronies want to intimidate Australia by threatening to amass his troops on the Russian-Australian border, I say, bring it on, you bastard.

Well, NATO, that's going to fit right into the Australian

NATO

street.

Unstoppable shitstorm that is the aftermath of Brexit update now, and Britain is on the point of consolidating its position as least trustworthy former member of the European Union by unilaterally shredding the Northern Ireland Protocol, the deal we willingly signed in 2019.

Now, admittedly, there aren't that many former members of the European Union.

In fact, I think Britain is the only one.

But the point is, we are setting a mark that is going to be very hard for anyone to match.

So, why is this happening?

A few reasons.

One, because we hadn't bothered to think it through first, and now we can't be asked to try and make this complicated piece of legislation work.

Two, because the government needs to argue with Europe about something, because it has to distract from its own unquenchable vesuvius of incompetence and moral shittitude.

And three, because we're fing Britain and we'll get what the f we want.

Read the history books, losers.

We always do the right thing.

Not those history books.

Over the history books on our approved list, please.

Nish, the Northern Ireland situation is just read the one that that says WW2.

Just read that one.

Nish, the Northern Ireland situation is extremely complicated, so I'm turning to you now to explain it with your traditional delicacy.

Listen, Andy,

there's been a frankly anti-Hindu discriminatory amount of beef in the island of Ireland.

It's a it's it is a spicy situation and it was a spicy situation that

in the kind of mid-1990s

a process began to de-spicify the situation

and it was sort of worked through a string of very complicated compromises that culminated in the Good Friday Agreement

which established a kind of invisible border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.

It was worked through with a huge amount of compromise on both parts and a huge amount of work from the then British and a little bit of contribution from the American administrations.

Basically, a huge amount of work went into it.

What happened to that work?

Well, let me tell you, Boris Johnson undid his flies, dropped his trousers and pants, and took a huge fing dump all over it.

And why did he do that?

Why does Boris Johnson do anything for his own professional gratification?

So the situation is that the

government is considering or and quite openly considering, reneging

on the Northern Irel Protocol.

Boris Johnson is considering going back on that deal, a deal which was signed by one B.

Johnson.

He had his fingers behind his back when he signed it, to be fair.

Yeah, yes.

And one of his feet off the ground.

Several Conservative MPs have now claimed that he signed that under duress.

And you go, it's not a f ⁇ ing confession extracted by torture, you f ⁇ ing idiots.

The only thing he was being held ransomed by was by his own fing political party.

So he has now sided with...

So Sinn Féin, the political party, won the majority of seats in the most recent bout of elections in Northern Ireland.

Boris Johnson is now siding with the Democratic Unionist Party, the DUP, who are a pack of,

I mean, how to put this delicately,

they're a pack of flat earthers and witch burners.

And

the Northern Ireland Protocol established an invisible border in the Irish Sea for checks on goods.

Now, that seemed to be a compromise that was acceptable for everybody at the time.

If you're wondering why has any of this happened, why has Boris Johnson signed a deal that he is now going back on?

Here's what you have to understand about Johnson the man.

His attitude to Brexit is a lot like his attitude to having children.

He had almost no interest in the end product, but he is very interested in the process.

He was very interested with Brexit and with finger he is very interested in getting it done.

He is less interested in what happens with the consequences of getting it done.

So now we're in a situation where in order for him to proclaim Independence Day in 2020, he had to sign a bunch of agreements that he wasn't necessarily himself particularly interested in signing up to.

But he really wanted to be able to say that Brexit was done because that was basically his entire election manifesto.

It was just get Brexit done, scrawled in shit, and then in brackets, some stuff about shipping refugees off to Rwanda.

Like,

so it really was the only thing that he had set his stall out around doing.

But now, unfortunately, we're into the detail section and the geopolitical equivalent of a woman turning up at his doorstep with a baby with a suspiciously blonde mop of hair is happening.

And he is saying, the kid ain't mine.

The Irish Foreign Minister Simon Coveny

warned that a unilateral move to change the protocol would call into question the entire trade deal, UK's trade deal with the European Union.

And he said, what we can't do is accept that the British government would act unilaterally, that they would pass legislation to effectively breach international law, because this will cause an awful lot more problems than it will solve.

Well, I would say to you, Coveny, wake up, because causing more problems than it solves is exactly what all 17.4 million relevant people in the UK voted for.

That the sooner everyone accepts that and gets on board with maximizing problems instead of wokely trying to solve them, the sooner we can all move together as a continent in the same direction, backwards.

The DP's Jeffrey Donaldson.

Remember the slogan: Brexit means problems.

That's what I'll say.

The DP's Jeffrey Donaldson said, words don't cut it for me.

I need action.

I want Johnson's words translated into clear action.

Personally, I think the first thing to do would be to translate Boris Johnson's words into what he actually means and then decide whether or not you actually want them put into action.

I guess we can do nothing but echo the thoughts of my support actor, the wonderful comedian Tessa Coates, who is a cartoonishly English woman, who opening for me in my tour shows in Belfast and Dublin last week, simply started by saying, hello, I'm very, very sorry.

I reckon the results are in colonialism.

Putting it out there.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bugle.

Chris, before we go,

we have long been talking about, well I'd say long, about the last couple of weeks, rejigging the voluntary subscription scheme with new rewards for our premium level voluntary subscribers, including launching the Bugle Hall of Fame or Wall of Fame even.

Could you just explain to our listeners exactly what this will involve?

It's quite simple.

This show does not contain any adverts.

Not once in this program have you given a host read for a petrochemical company or an arms dealer or Tom's brand of red wine merchant?

And

we won't do it now.

Tom Poorie.

No, it's not Tasmania.

No, Tom.

Try it today.

And the reason we don't do this.

Chevron, delicious.

Because we are funded by voluntary donations, but we try to do it with a little bit extra.

So we have been doing at some enormous personal cost to you, Andy, over the last few years, an offering of lies made up about every single one of those premium donors.

And

we've got through the full first batch.

So,

on top of the ability to get merch and just generally donate to the show for an amount per month that you would see fit, you can now donate to the show and join our official wall of fame, which may possibly involve Andy having to write a full book every week of lies about you, but will still give you enormous prestige, honor, and status, and some merch.

So you're either a good bugler or you're a

could we have that made up into a t-shirt?

So

you give money and someone will wake up lies about you.

It's the British political system.

So if you have subscribed, was the lie offer was still in place.

We will get around to your lies over the next few weeks or so.

You'll be rolled on to the wall of fame as well.

So if you've already had your lie, you're about to get into the wall of fame too.

Yes.

So the wall of fame will shortly be tagged on to the end of

Bugle episodes.

So thanks for all your support to keep this show free, flourishing and independent.

If there are a few tickets left for my shows at Soho Theatre this week,

well Monday, Tuesday, probably too late for by the time you listen to this, Friday and Saturday.

Tom, anything to plug?

British folks, my team, our little voice on Radio 4 in the coming months.

I've got a half-hour special coming up pretty soon.

I'll be tweeting more about it close to the date, but I think it's in June that it's going out.

I'm recording it in May here in Australia.

But yeah, keep an ear out for that, please.

That'd be great.

Nish?

New York Buglers, I arrive hopefully on Wednesday.

And I will be doing shows on the 19th, 20th, 20th, 21st, and 23rd of May at the Soho Playhouse.

And tickets are surprisingly sparse.

So, do book now.

Bit of a surprise.

Bit of a surprise for us all, frankly.

What's this?

In the words of my mother, who are these people?

They think they're booking for Ramesh.

Is that what's that?

We shouldn't have built it under his name,

Chris.

Andy,

I am going to cycle 500 kilometers in four days up 5,000 meters worth of mountains this coming weekend for musical therapy charity Nordorf Robbins to make people's life better.

Buglers can, instead of donating to the bugle, donate to me instead.

It's in the show notes.

So, well, good luck with that.

Good luck with that.

That's not the Tour de France, though, is it?

It's faster.

Right.

All right, okay.

Anyway, piss in the test tube at the end of it, and uh, if it comes back clean, you'll get your money.

Uh, thank you,

thank you very much.

I'm not sending you my piss anymore.

That's why we sacked Tom.

You know, um, anyway, wait, you'll give him the money if the piss is clean.

What iteration of the tour de France have you watched?

Why don't you think the jersey's yellow?

Right, I think the show must end now.

Goodbye, buglers.

Happy fascinating, everybody.

Hope you have a great big wake, everybody.

Peace out.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.