Everything I Do, I Do It For You (4226)

Hello, buglers, and welcome to Bugle issue 4226, a landmark in the history of human communication, because this is the first time ever that a single audio show will contain all of the following words, albeit not necessarily in this order.

Bucket, violently chundering, Prime Minister.

Oh, fk, I haven't finished writing an opening jokes.

Oh dear, this was written when I was falling asleep last night.

Right, bad start, back from holiday.

Those are all the words that that were actually, this is actually in the script, this is this is what was supposed to be there, was actually all those the point stands.

I'm Andy Zaltzmann, freshly back from a lovely holiday, which I discovered.

But if you don't think about anything that's happening anywhere, the world seems a much better place.

Joining me today from no fewer than two different hemispheres of this once great planet of ours, from the south in Melbourne, Australia, it's Alice Fraser.

Alice,

welcome to April.

How are you?

Thank you.

You said welcome to April like

it's your house.

Do you own April?

Well

I mean

it slightly depends when Passover is and

have I missed it?

Did I miss it?

I think it passed over you but it didn't steal your first ball child firstborn child so you're you're all right.

You must have put some blood on your doorstep just

for fun.

How's the southern hemisphere?

It's good.

I am having a delightful time in Melbourne with my baby and my comedy show and

almost empty rooms, which is always fun.

It's nice.

I like to feel possessive over empty spaces by doing comedy at them.

I mean that's that happens when you hang around with me.

I've done that.

Osmoses

across the internet.

Also joining us.

from just up the road here in South London.

It's Nish Kumar.

Hi Nish.

You've got a spectacular array of wires on the door in the room that you're recording in.

Well, first of all, hello, Andy.

Hello, Alice.

Hello, Chris.

Hello, Buglers.

Second of all, you've got a fucking nerve, Zoltzman, slagging off my wire situation after you forgot to finish writing the first joke.

Well, did I forget?

Or, you know.

So, basically, the room that I record in is

my study, or as it's rapidly become known, the room of all farts.

And

it's just a it's a small box that I slowly over the course of the average working day I come in here I make a coffee when I'm not recording the bugle I open my computer with all intention of working and I slowly engulf the room in methane I achieve nothing of any note professionally and then I go

drinking that's my life

when I'm very much a metaphor for how humanity treats the planet as a whole yeah

you're satirizing the history of humanity the whole thing is a climate change skit.

Why will people never understand that I live satirically?

And where is my award for that?

I would contend your title for the room of all farts because I'm currently in a one-bedroom place with what seems to be like an increasing number of people who we invited to come help with the baby during the festival and who decided that it would be fun family time to be on the couch in the one-bedroom place that I live in.

I'm currently in the bathroom recording this on the washing machine.

And there is no one that produces farts like my almost six-month-old baby who's developing new chambers in her downstairs.

Oh, it's good that your one-bedroom place has got a washing machine that can record audio.

That's

it's a washer-dryer recorder.

It's your landlord Elon Musk.

Yeah.

That's why all the audio is hot and wet.

Absolutely pointless technological innovations.

Here's a toaster that can speak two languages.

Why, Elon?

Elon, the planet is choking to death.

I received a tweet this morning from a Twitter account called Mathiversaries,

which informed me

that I, Andy Zoltzmann, host of, as they describe it, the awesome Bugle podcast, I am 25 million million minutes old today.

Now,

I mean,

happy.

Well, first of all, I'm so sorry that we didn't immediately congratulate you on that.

Andy, happy 25 millionth minute.

Yeah, I mean, to be honest, that feels like a lot of minutes and not necessarily

something that you want to be informed of.

25 million minutes.

I mean, that seems arguably enough.

um

certainly uh i'm wearing those minutes on my on my scalp uh belly

um

but uh they tell you what you need 10 000 hours that's what the theory is to get outstanding at something now i've had 41.6 lots of 10 000 hours as a human as i blast through the 25 million minute mark so i'm finging awesome at it um uh whereas uh your baby alice is uh not even halfway to being an awesome baby that'll take 13 and a half months to clock up the 10,000 hours of baby ink.

Respect is Oscar.

He said he's 25 minutes old.

He's immediately slammed a baby.

Back.

The guy's in.

The guy was on holiday, but he is back at his desk.

And his first agenda: slam Alice's baby.

You've got to aim your comedy upwards, and my baby's very powerful.

We are recording on the 19th of April, 2022, just two days away from the 21st of April, which you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know, is the 96th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II and also the 74th birthday of Iggy Pop.

Now, that is a jubilee I was celebrating.

Exactly.

They share a birthday, and of course, Iggy, named after the 9th-century Saxon king Igthelwald

of Wessex, and also after the 10th century

Pope Populus III.

He did, of course, briefly replace Queen Elizabeth on the £5 note, if I remember correctly, from some TV I watched in the 90s.

But they share a birthday.

So, to mark this, our section in the bin this week is a special quiz for you, buglers.

Is this Queen Elizabeth II or Iggy Pop?

So, question one:

Who was known as the godfather of punk?

Was it Queen Elizabeth II

or Iggy Pop?

Any guesses?

I'll let you guys chip in with the.

You think it was?

I'm afraid that's I'm going to have to swing at that being

Ignatius Buffalworth to give him his full Christian name.

I'm sorry, all information fell out of my brain when Nish mentioned Elon Musk's bilingual toast.

Well, that is correct, Nish.

Well done.

One point to you.

Queen Elizabeth was briefly tagged as the grandmar of Grunge

after being heard to whistle a couple of lines from Nirvana's Polly during a particularly dull trooping of the colour in the mid-1980s.

Question two.

Which

of the two birthday celebrants this week, Queen Elizabeth II or Iggy Pop, collaborated with David Bowie?

I know this one.

Yep.

It's definitely the queen.

Well, you're half right.

Because they had that song that they sang together.

Yeah.

In the stadium.

Oh, yes.

Walking in the air.

Yeah.

Well,

the correct answer is both.

You might be missing.

That's a phenomenal under-pressure joke, Alice.

I want you to know that I really enjoyed that on the level at which you intended it.

Thank you.

Actually, I mean, you're mixing up your Queen's.

The Queen and David Bow did actually record a cover of Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing by Melvin Gell and Tammy Terrell.

And

the B-side was Doris Day and Frankie Lane's Sugar Bush.

But that was sadly never released.

Sugarbush, also just a great way to get a candida infection.

It was also my wrestling name.

And finally, was it Queen Elizabeth II or Aggie Pop who said the words, gonna break it loose, gonna keep a moving wild, gonna keep a swinging baby?

I'm a real wild child.

Was that Pop or the second?

It's got to be Pop because the second would have said one is a real wild child.

I know that was a trick question, but I saw the clue.

I think this is a trick question, and it was neither, and it was actually Prince Andrew.

And that guy, if anything, was too wild a child.

Rain it in.

That guy needed to be about 7,500% less wild.

Disgusting.

Well, I mean, it was Iggy Pop from a famous one, but it would have been the Queen had she been allowed to go with her own first draft of her coronation speech in 1953.

Anyway, happy birthday to

both.

96 years old this week at QE2.

Sorry, also, royals don't be wild children.

They hunt wild children.

She's now just four foot three inches tall

after

70 years of crown wearing have gradually mulched her down from her original pre-queenic height of six foot five.

But still just as monarchical as ever at the age of 96.

Effortlessly royal, 24-7, 365.

You either got it or you haven't.

Rumours about the party.

Nish, no doubt you've been invited as

one of Britain's leading celebrities to the birthday party.

Oh, I'm headlining.

What's the question here?

I'm going to be doing a 20-minute set.

I'm going to be doing my 20-minute set from the Lord's Taverners 2019 Christmas lunch.

There are rumours about what else will be happening at the party other than

Anish's

Tav's reboot.

Zorbing Disco, I've heard, is on the cards.

Followed by a murder mystery party.

Now that tradition, of course, goes back in the family to at least the 1480s, when it must be said, some of those parties were a fraction too realistic.

Then, of course, a swan kebab to round off another special night.

So, 96, one solid hit away from the century.

Banknote, Betsy.

There we go.

Also, the 21st of April is World Creativity and Innovation Day.

And to mark this, we set you some creativity and innovation challenges, buglers, including write a novel using only a slice of toast using four-syllable words.

Can it be in two languages?

It can be bilingual.

Using Elon Musk's bilingual toaster.

Also, invent a vacuum cleaner that sucks up the dust formed by sloughed human skin and reforms it into actual skin to be used by surgeons to replace the skin scraped off people's knees when they slide on their knees to celebrate something, forgetting they're not professional footballers on a well-watered grass pitch.

And also concoct a new global system for reclassifying everyone in the world as doing just fine.

Anyway, those sections are both in the bin.

Top story this week.

The world is still fed.

We've been away for three weeks.

That has been the top story, really, like for it feels like the last decade.

Man, this is unbelievable.

This is like when Everything I Do I Do It For You by Brian Adams just would not move off the number one spot of the singles chart in the United Kingdom in the early 1990s.

Yes, And some see that as an atrocity of similar level to some of

the things that have we've been seeing in recent weeks.

We've been away for three weeks on the bugle on our Easter holiday to

worship whatever gods we worship.

And

well, I mean history's most f ⁇ witted war has always been probably the most hotly contested title on this planet, outdoing even most spoon-like spoon and least appropriate appropriate political leader.

And right now, some of the great f witted wars of all time are doffing their bloodstained hats to Vladimir Putin and his violent murder mayhem.

Have either of you spotted any ounce of reason for

what is going on yet or not?

It's been what, nearly two months of this war, and I still can't get even a fraction of my head around why it's all happening.

I mean, I think because Vladimir Putin is Vladimir Putin is the answer that you're looking for there, Andy.

But in terms of like updates and silver linings,

Ukraine has launched a stamp showing some Ukrainians giving the finger to the Russian warship Moskva, which the next day was sunk apparently by a Ukrainian missile.

You may be familiar with the Russian warship Moskva from that viral clip of the soldiers saying, go f ⁇ yourself Russian warship, and then getting blown up or not, depending on which facts you like to believe and which then immediately became merch and an NFT because nothing is sacred anymore unless we can immediately strip it of context and turn it into a meme.

The only possible reason I can work out for what has happened in the last

couple of months is that

there's an idea sometimes with cosmetic surgery where Botox drifts.

And as far as I can tell, Vladimir Putin's Botox has drifted into his brain and he is now being controlled by a beef disease.

But Botox is itself a distant cousin of botulism, which you get from eating bad meat.

And the bad meat is now in Vladimir Putin's brain.

And let's be clear, Vladimir Putin's brain was already fing crazy.

Like, the last thing that Vladimir Putin's brain needed was like raw beef being slathered all over it.

But I think the toxic combination of an already despotic warmonger with a meat illness has conspired to create history's most stupid, pointless and destructive war.

This war is being run by beef mania.

My favourite bit of beef mania of the last few days was Vladimir Putin saying that the sanctions imposed by various Western countries against Russia have failed.

and saying that

the West expected to have a good impact, but actually the strategy of the economic blitz has failed, leading instead to, quote, the deterioration of the economy in the West.

So, blaming the deterioration of the economy of the West on Russian sanctions rather than, I don't know, the global pandemic and supply chain issues is the biggest completion of causation and correlation since I saw my cousin's kid swear just before the electricity went out and decide that he had the power to f off the lights.

F you, PewTech.

We can tank our own economies.

We can just do that of our own accord.

We don't need your sanctions to tank our economies.

We'll do that with pointlessly self-destructive financial products.

I mean, the only possible reason I've seen is that, and there's been a lot of speculation about Putin's health, is that,

as we've discussed on the Bugle over many years, he is a massive c.

And

he's clearly a massive c who doesn't want to die before working out exactly how much of a massive he can be.

He's like an athlete striving

for the absolute best

before they retire.

Only his absolute best is the absolute worst of what humanity can achieve.

I just saw a

nice little piece of analysis.

There's no joke here.

It's just that they made the point that Vladimir Putin likes breaking taboos.

He likes being a naughty boy in that kind of, by naughty you mean like horrendously vile, you know, poisoning his opponents.

He likes breaking taboos, which is their argument that he'll probably use a tactical nuke.

Lol.

Can I just not make something a joke by saying lol at the end?

Because I can never tell the difference between something that's funny because it's true and something that's desperately not funny because it's true.

It's such a fine line.

Such a fine line.

Yeah, it's our intimation, Alice.

A maniac who is in the grip of beef insanity has nuclear weapons.

These are the raw materials we're working with

at the moment in terms of topical comedy.

All you can do sometimes is just say, lol.

The only, I mean, like, the only sort of...

The only sort of good news story, and also, I guess it's also in some ways its own very depressing version of Europe doing the absolute bare minimum, is that the folk rap band, the Kalash Orchestra, are the favourites to win next month's Eurovision Song Contest.

Now to contextualise this for any

non-European buglers who haven't watched that Will Ferrell movie, the Eurovision Song Contest is an annual song competition where Europe gets together and each individual country sends its worst, most stupid song for a joke to an enormous event that happens in a conference centre.

And then there is a decision made on which of the worst stupid songs sent by each individual country is the least worst and

But somehow the voting process also is completely contingent on the geopolitical histories of the relative countries.

Because each country gets to award points, and so they get to they tend to award points based on the geopolitical

combination of the entire toxic history of Europe's continent and some of the worst music ever performed by human beings.

But

the Ukrainian entry this year, the Kalish Orchestra, who are a rap band, who take their name from the foothills of the Carpathian Mountains, and whose front man, Ole Siuk, I'm definitely not going to pronounce this correctly, but Ole Siuk, has a rap interest that started with his childhood love of Eminem, are now the favourites to win.

And now, for one moment, we all have a reason to watch the f ⁇ ing Eurovision Song Contest.

Because in terms of the bare minimum, in the UK, we will not simplify the procedure for Ukrainian refugees to come to this country we'll we will continue to make it opaque and complicated but we will give them points in a stupid contest

what more can we do Nish what more can we do apart from anything else what more could we do

In other news now, Britain is going to catapult asylum seekers to Africa.

Essentially, I mean, I think it might might not involve an actual catapult, but it definitely involves a metaphorical catapult.

A scheme has been announced.

Scheme?

Plot?

I've not got

scheme isn't very...

Yeah, someone's taking a shit on a piece of paper.

What's the word for that?

What's the Latin word for that?

Policy, I believe.

We will be blasting

asylum seekers to Rwanda of all places in what the government describes as an attempt to crack down on people traffickers.

Tough on people trafficking, tough on the victims of people trafficking.

Now, obviously,

the whole issue of global migration and asylum is complicated, and dealing with the underlying issues is a bit tricky.

I mean, the obvious solution is to end all war, inequality, hunger, suffering, prejudice, and persecution, plus fix climate change, oust all despots, and make life in general better everywhere.

But that's not really a vote winner.

So instead, we have decided to

fly our asylum seekers

to Africa, to a low-grade hotel in one of the world's poorest countries.

Now, obviously, Britain is one of the world's wealthier nations.

It has always been our God-given right to use Africa and whatever the other continents are these days in whatever f ⁇ ing way we need to.

It's a source of food, source of labor, source of museum trinkets and soft furnishings, a source of things to shoot, ideally with four legs or wings, but history shows we've not always been too fussed about that.

And now

we need to use it as a not very convenient, procedurally problematic, ethically humiliating, environmentally twattish, and economically nonsensical pseudo-solution to a problem that we can't be asked to solve ourselves.

Nish, as our resident Pretty Patel correspondent, how have you enjoyed our Home Secretary's latest contribution to the slow death of human hope?

Chris,

get the bleep button ready, my boy.

Get the fing bleep button ready, because this is about to go off.

This is actually a plan that the Conservative Party has trailed repeatedly.

And at a certain point, the sections of the British Commentariat and certain journalists and opinion and editorial writers need to give up on the idea of saying this is fundamentally un-British.

Because ultimately, what could be more British than a plan that is inherently racist and involves the exploitation of a country in Africa?

This is,

I'm afraid to say, this is as British as the Beatles and flavorless food.

One of the most influential British rap artists of the 1980s.

Straight out of Richmond.

And if I know anything about the listenership of this podcast, we will be seeing

mocked-up album covers all through the next week.

So,

any adult who comes to the UK without authorisation by a trade or plane could be considered for relocation to Rwanda.

Once there,

the veracity of their asylum claims will be settled.

It's a plan that is so barbaric.

This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury, who's one of the most important clerics in the Church of England, has openly criticised it and has used this sentence.

Subcontracting out our responsibilities, even to a country that seeks to do well like Rwanda, is the opposite of the nature of God, who himself took responsibility for our failures.

Opposite of the nature of God is, first of all, a review of my 2013 Edinburgh show.

It's pretty stark rhetoric to come

from a Christian,

especially on Easter weekend.

It does also, yeah, Easter weekend, when he basically stood by by and watched his son be executed.

I mean, it does suggest that the Archbishop has not read all of the Bible because

God himself had some slightly,

well, I think harsh policies.

I mean, to be honest,

if the Conservative government had the logistical capability to unleash...

10 consecutive plagues on

people attempting to come to Britain, I think they would do that.

The Conservative Party at this point serves no other purpose other other than to deliver, it is the most effective delivery system in the world for tax cuts and racism.

It's no longer a political party.

That's what it functions to do.

It functions to save millionaires and billionaires money and to execute racism.

And you know,

a few years ago, my friend, the great American comedian Mike Popiglia, asked me, because I had alluded to there being some differences between British and American racism, what I felt those differences were.

And what I would summarise is, I would say this.

The differences between British and American racism are the same as the differences between the British and American versions of the office.

American racism has a cast of hundreds of thousands.

It seems to be vast and all-encompassing.

British racism is much more subtle.

It's in the pocket.

It's all in the gestures.

They might not say all of the words, but they're heavily hinted at.

And crucially, when it comes to racism, as with the office, we invented both of them so go f yourself both the steves be they carell or bannon but it's

the this the the scheme is uh currently projected to cost a hundred the initial cost is projected to be a hundred and twenty million pounds uh that's a figure that could rise into the billions if it runs and runs and runs now obviously that is particularly spicy uh given the events of the last couple of weeks in britain where the government has essentially told the population that there isn't money to help them with their rising costs of living in terms of the cost of food and the cost of their energy.

And what have we learned from British history?

There is always money for racism.

Whatever is going on, if you want someone to help pay your heating bills at this point, just start screaming racial epithets out of the window and you'll receive it in the form of a bursary to protect your free speech.

As an Australian, can I just say I feel like I am the expert on the export of expats, aka the OG of treating refugees badly.

We have here, just so you know what was about to come down your pipeline, we have what we call the trampoline rugby ball policy, which is anyone who tries to land in Australia is flung off at great force at a random angle, and we pay millions of dollars to make their lives as miserable as possible, lest people think we are a nice place to live, which, by the way, we also constantly advertise that we are.

Well, I may repeat my own joke.

Australian rules immigration, very much like Australian rules football, in that it is needlessly violent and aggressive, despite there being a colossal amount of space, and remains baffling to most outsiders.

I don't mind you repeating that joke.

I would rather you didn't have to repeat that joke, not

for comedic reasons, but for reasons of, you know, basic human morality.

Well, it's difficult to holistically criticise this policy without saying mean things about Rwanda, a nation full of kind, lovely people that also happens to be one of the poorest places in the world.

So I am going to stick with the strategy that garnered me death threats when I made the same point about Australia's policy in Papua New Guinea, which is to read the government travel advisory for tourists to Rwanda.

It says, exercise a high degree of caution in Rwanda overall due to the threat of violence and crime.

Medical facilities are very limited.

If you're ill or injured, you may need medical evacuation to Kenya.

Check that your travel insurance covers this.

Malaria occurs across the country.

Consider taking anti-malarial medication.

Foodborne, waterborne and other infectious diseases including meningitis, meningococcal disease, tuberculosis and rabies.

Drink only boiled or bottled water.

Avoid raw or undercooked food.

Don't go near the borders, especially within 10 kilometers.

The security situation is volatile.

There is a risk of rebel attack in the Volcanoes National Park.

Only visit the park as part of an organized tour group.

Grenade attacks and other violent incidents occur from time to time.

Targets include genocide memorials, markets, and transport hubs.

Be alert to possible threats.

The rainy seasons are from February to May.

Flooding and

mudslides can make the roads unstable.

Petty crime is quite rare.

Kind of Croydon plus, essentially.

Now that was my rap mind.

If you're wondering, how did members of the Conservative Party react to one of the country's top Christians criticising their plan as ungodly,

you would be correct in thinking they went hard on the Archbishop.

They went hard.

Tom Hunt, a Conservative MP, said that the leaders of the Church of England should be wary about clumsily intervening into complex political issues.

To do so on Easter Sunday feels very wrong.

Man, these guys were Christians planning to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

John Redward said, I thought the Easter message was love con, because John Redward is a Conservative MP and also, like, for most of my adult life, has been a career.

Said that, I thought the Easter message was love conquers all.

We should forgive and reconcile.

Could the Archbishop help do that instead of sharpening political divisions?

You're trying to fing catapult refugees to a different country for no fing reason, you stupid Redward.

Even at this point, I hope the gates of Hades catapult you out of a f ⁇ ing cannon into the sun, you stupid.

For John Redwood, I hope nothing but a lifetime of constipation.

I hope he dies on the toilet like fing Elvis Presley.

Absolute piece of shit.

The message of love conquers, that's not the message of Easter.

The message of Easter is if you torture someone to death, they might come back and get you.

The message of Easter is be very wary of mistreating brown men.

Energy Minister Greg Hann said the critics of this plan need to show what their solution would be.

Now, that is is not a justification for doing something.

If a government launched a policy of filling all school classrooms with vinegar whilst the children were in them, it should be enough in the first place to say we shouldn't do that.

That's enough in the first place.

I mean, amongst the solutions that you might suggest would be not cutting the international aid budget by £4 billion a year and not supporting, enabling, and modeling coding despots and tyrants that contribute to this vast, intractable international problem.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

describes it as an Easter story of redemption for Rwanda.

Now, he is a self-proclaimed Christian, although the evidence doesn't entirely back that up.

But he did tweet

over the Easter weekend, Christ is risen, alleluia.

He is risen indeed, alleluia, hallujah.

Possibly a Christian message, possibly him breaking the news that his son has woken up and got out of bed bed for breakfast to his three daughters, Alleluia, Alleluia, and Alleluia.

But he's not far away from justifying the Rwanda policy on the grounds that, well, we took a lot of people out of Africa over the years that everyone complained about.

Now we're merely starting the process of putting some back.

It is an incredible, it is an extraordinary move.

to

publicly celebrate a policy that discriminates against refugees as a Christian.

An entire religious belief system that begins with the story of people refusing to house a refugee.

Like,

you are on the side of the Romans and the innkeepers, you twerp.

I am a fing Hindu, and even I fing know that the basic tenets of Christianity are: where possible, try to be nice to refugees.

It's a fing Christ.

You're on the side of the crucifix, you cs.

Yes, if uh if um

if uh Jesus Christ were, uh, sorry, Jesus F.

Christ, were to make his

long overdue Elvis style comeback and meet Jacob Brees Mogg, I think we can safely predict it would be a fairly short meeting that would almost certainly involve the words, read my f ⁇ ing bookmate, from one of the participants and from the other, can I call you Boris?

No.

How about Margaret?

Please let me call you Margaret.

Yeah, if I may quote from the great man himself, it is easier for a caval to pass through the eye of a needle than the rich man to pass through the gates of heaven.

Also, if Jacob Brees Mogg is a fucking

right.

Moving on.

Alice has to go shortly to do her show at the Melbourne Festival, which continues until what date, Alice?

Until this Sunday, this coming Sunday.

So do go long bugle.

When and then I'll be in Sydney and then I'll be in Perth and then I'll be in London and then I'll be in London and then I'll be in Edinburgh.

Consider all those gigs plugged in a vague non-date specific way.

Oh God, what a podcast.

What a phenomenal.

This podcast has nothing but deep respect for traditions.

And unfortunately, one of the traditions is refusing to specifically plug any of the work of anyone involved.

I got a really passive, aggressive email from somebody saying if you want people to come to your shows, maybe you should put your links up on your website.

Elon Musk News now.

And Elon Musk, the obviously fictitious Tetrepreneur, is

set to buy Twitter, the social media messaging and vitriol exchange.

He apparently could be set to turn Twitter into an intergalactic sonnet farm, but no one quite knows what he intends for it.

Alice, you've tracked the life and times of Elon Musk from

birth onwards.

Just bring us up to date with his latest contribution to

human.

I don't know what the words are.

I think he almost defies language now.

Yes.

Yes.

Since he first sprung fully formed from the hot pit of seething fury that is the entrepreneurial class Twitter.

The forum for the chattering classes and the chittering masses is now the subject of a feeding frenzy after Elon Musk first bought up 9% of its shares and then made an offer to buy the whole company, inspiring a whole bunch of public discussion and debate and also subsequently a whole bunch of other companies and organisations suddenly being struck with the idea that that they too would like to buy some of that publicity by offering also to buy Twitter.

Also, you cannot say Elon Musk isn't a thought leader, mainly because if you do say Elon Musk isn't a thought leader, you'll get a bunch of Musk lovers swarming you, jaws agape, ropes of hot saliva garlanding their steaming jaws in their haste to explain that actually he is a thought leader and he's the only billionaire who's actually doing good groundbreaking stuff and striding forward with his mighty thews into the visionary future, Ain Randali grasping the spear of human potential and driving it towards the stars like a penis, while also manic pixie cyberpunk dream objecting to paying taxes despite receiving government funding to the tune of billions.

In response, Twitter has adopted a poison pill policy to limit Elon Musk's ability.

That's the thing where you put a little bit of cyanide in your tooth and bite down in the middle of a board meeting.

They're trying to limit Elon Musk's ability to raise his stake in the social media platform as various other buyout firms are also lunging at the possibility of buying Twitter.

Poison pill is basically where if he buys a certain amount, then all of the shares dilute themselves and you get homeopathic Twitter, the worst of all Twitters.

I mean, there are rumors that he's seeking to buy other things as well, including alternate mile-long stretches of every single railway line in the world.

The month of September, Platonic love, all carrots, the vowels A-I-O-U and Prince William.

Nish, where do you see Musk's career standing?

Well, I don't know if you clearly, you and I are using very different news sources today because I'm hearing a hot rumor that Musk is planning to buy the bugle

because

he genuinely thinks puns and bullshit may be a renewable energy source.

At last, we'll have free speech on the bugle.

At last.

Yes, at last.

For too long, that Chris has been censoring my finging swearing.

But I'll tell you what, the second Musk takes over, you're going to hear the full fury of my swearing.

Fuck!

Fuck!

These like free speech evangelists who fail to ever seem to mention or notice at the moment you have an algorithm in play, you do not have free fing speech.

They're just like,

make the algorithm better, and then we can all be racist.

Like, I just, I find it, I have to go.

I'm going to go.

I'll see you.

Alice is to perform.

Have a good show, Alice.

To perform her show.

Do go and see it at every available opportunity around the world.

Thanks, Alice.

Nish,

we should move on to before we wrap up this week's Easter special bugle.

It's just been a

in fact, I think also, Chris, I saw the the the the tweet you put up with that snippet from a previous Easter bugle.

Uh maybe you can play that uh that that clip as a as an outro before this week's lies about uh premium level voluntary subscribers.

Um

uh it's been quite an ungodly episode, so let's let's finish by looking at uh

a further um continual source of ungodliness.

Boris Johnson, since we last uh broadcast to you on this uh this podcast, uh Boris Johnson has been fined uh by police uh after uh contravening the his own COVID laws.

Uh there's been um this this happened uh while I was on holiday that the the fines came out and you know further uh suggestions that he should resign and for you know him and and his acolytes saying, Oh, there's no need in Ukraine and all that.

Is there any moral line that you think he could reach where he will say, Yeah, maybe I'm not right for this job?

No, Andy, I think at this point, and you know, I think this pretty much gets the line across.

He could f a dog.

I truly believe at this point, Boris Johnson could f a dog, not just in the abstract, on camera, in the House of Commons, he could absolutely go to town on any dog and most cats and the Conservative Party would say at the time he was fing the dog he believed the rules around dog fing permitted him to f the dog

I personally believe that Boris Johnson was fully aware that he was breaking lockdown regulations but he's lived a life completely free of consequence and he doesn't truly believe that any rules even rules he sets himself apply to him however if we accept the conservative Party's interpretation that he didn't understand what was happening was a violation of the lockdown rules, maybe it's not a very good idea to have a fucking gun in charge of the country who doesn't know when a party is a party, and that party is a violation of basic lockdown rules.

Maybe it's not a good idea to have him in charge of the country during a war.

It's a fair point you make, Nish, and a point you made,

I think, justifiably swearily.

So, Chris, how's that bleep button?

Warn.

It's absolutely

I want the record.

I want the fing record.

The swearing is bugle.

I'm this f ⁇ ing Kuma.

The Croydon.

Well, that does bring us to the end of

this week's bugle.

Nish, you're still on tour, aren't you?

I'm still on tour of the United Kingdom.

I'm also,

he says, just quickly opening his calendar to check what dates are coming up.

I also, excitingly, for Irish Buglers, have a date in Dublin on the 12th, on Thursday, the 12th of May.

And also, the big news for American buglers is that I'm doing, and when I say America, every time I say American, people get very angry because I'm only going to two cities.

I apologise.

This is not what I, as you can tell, I'm stalling for time as I open my own website website to get the data.

I apologize to the great nation of America and to anyone who lives in it that does not live in New York or Los Angeles.

The loading is taking a little bit longer than usual, but don't let that put you off visiting the website.

I apologize to the people that live in that great country.

Sadly, I will only be visiting the cities of New York and LA, and I will be doing shows in New York and LA.

The tickets are available at my website, nishkamar.co.uk,

Thursday, the 19th of May, Friday, the 20th of May, Saturday, the 21st of May, and then Monday, the 23rd of May, at the Soho Playhouse in New York, and then Wednesday, the 25th of May, at the Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.

Those are the dates that are available.

They're on my website.

Please buy tickets.

It will be a lot of fun, I think.

It was a lot of fun last time.

And I'm very excited.

Consider those gigs plugged.

Don't forget, you can also come to see Satirist for Hire at the Soho Theatre on the 9th, 10th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 20th, and 21st of May.

Basically, Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday for two weeks from the 9th of May.

Do send in your satirical request to satirise this at satiristforhire.com, tickets for the Soho Theatre website, or andesaltsman.co.uk.

Fully updated a little while ago.

Well, we will play out some lies about our premium-level voluntary subscribers.

Before the lies, however, let's have that classic bit of Easter Bugle from Bugle issue 127,

which remains arguably the high point in Western civilization.

Goodbye until next week.

Oh, also, the news quiz is back this week.

You can listen to that as well.

It's been awfully sweary with Bugle recently.

Yeah.

I don't know why that is.

Prison, any suggestions?

Well,

maybe you just need to listen to the words of the Pope.

All right.

What did he say?

Don't fing swear.

Right, that's now 12 fks one k today.

Oh, God.

Actually, now I've just said that.

That's 13 too.

I was going to say 12 fks one cs.

That's pretty much the

Jewish attitude to the New Testament, isn't it?

Oh, Andy.

I'm going to burn in hell for that.

I'm going to burn in hell for that joke.

That's a way to make the absolutely foul truly sublime.

Carrying on the theme of Bugle Volonto subscribers who are thinking of writing books, Thomas Stark has taken to penning biographies of obscure but fictional sports stars.

His latest work is Jeff Phillisent, Golfing Stegosaurus, which adds to previous titles including Javelins of Destiny, the Albertina Spaliella Teller Story, Cupid's Q, a Snooker Love Story, and most controversially, The Beast of Biggleswade, how Geraldine Sniddles destroyed a Crown Green Bowls Club in just 26 years.

If David Heinersdorf was to write a book, he would like it to be a mixture of a guide to how to play avant-garde jazz using standard kitchen implements and a history of tennis.

It's important to find a gap in the market, explains David, and as far as I know, there haven't been many, or indeed any books combining these two subjects.

I haven't really thought much beyond that, he admits, but it would probably involve a chapter telling you how to bang wooden spoons on a couple of saucepans to evoke a musical interpretation of the 1984 Wimbledon final between Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert.

Dan Mahari, for his part, does not understand why anyone needs any book other than a dictionary.

It's got all the words in it, explains Dan.

You shouldn't just sit back and rely on other people to put those words in an entertaining and or informative order for you.

Show some initiative.

There are quite literally quadrillions of potential stories, both true and or false, lurking within any dictionary.

You've just got to make the time to choose a hundred thousand or so of them at random and hope they string together as a coherent and engaging narrative.

Kenny Pollock does not like the fact that books have covers.

Showing people the name of the author and the title of the book already prejudices the mind of the reader before they've even opened it, complains Kenny.

And that's before you've even factored in the cover design that makes it seem more exciting than it actually is, and the semi-informative blurb that makes you think, well, is it really worth plowing through another 450 pages to pad out those perfectly decent 200 words?

Personally, concludes Kenny, I would bring back scrolls.

And finally, Elizabeth Dibble once spent a fortnight in her local library, gluing in the happy endings to books that she felt needed perking up at the end.

Nothing is worse than wading through an 800-page masterpiece, says Elizabeth, only to be left with the overwhelming sensation that life is a veil of tears.

I reckon I put a version of And They Live Happily Ever After into over 2,000 books in my library, fiction and non-fiction, and until the traditionalists took all those pages out again, I think my town was happier than it's ever been before or since.

I stand by everything I did, concludes Elizabeth.

Here endeth this week's Lies.

A goodbye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.