Platypus on the Menu! (4215)

Right, we're about to see a technological miracle now.

This is the Bugle Live podcast.

We will now be linking up through the tiny screen on the stage after certain technical oh there it there it is

It's producer Chris in London

Right my seven year old and two year old are right next to me right now so I won't

Right, well, they've got to learn, Chris.

After three, everyone.

One, two, three.

There we go.

Oh, there it is!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Melbourne!

Hello Chris!

Hello Andy!

Welcome to

the show.

Essentially what the Bugle podcast is, is the one remaining vehicle of pure truth

in the known universe.

So for those new to the show, this is Chris who produced the show.

Also in the room tonight, very excitingly, we have Chris's predecessor, Tom.

Yeah, see, see, Chris, see, no one told him to go himself.

Let that be a lesson to you, mate.

Where is he, Andy?

He's over there.

See him out.

Make him feel like he's known.

Well, I mean, it's a bit hard to see, but he's at the back of the room.

Oh, there he is.

So, yeah, so we have Chris on this tiny, tiny screen.

This is the Bugle Live, live from Melbourne.

It's doubling up as issue 4215 of The Bugle.

For those unfamiliar with the show, we skipped out,

was it about 3,700 episodes at one point?

Went from 294 to 4,001.

So there haven't been that much, but there have been a lot of episodes.

If you do want to catch up, I think it would now take you about six weeks listening 24-7 to catch up.

So

just try and clear the decks.

Looks like the world might have more time for podcast listening over the next few weeks anyway.

So the Bugle is the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world.

I am Andy Zaltzman.

Can you back me up on this, Melbourne?

Who am I?

Well, I think that's good enough for me, that's proof.

It's the 22nd of December 2021, and for the very first time in my life, I'm here in the southern hemisphere for Christmas,

which I think makes everything kosher as a lapsed due.

Everything's different.

There's a few times

I've been to

the southern hemisphere to watch my career go the other way down the plughole.

So everything happens differently in Christmas here, because everything's different in the southern hemisphere, everything's opposite.

So children excitedly wake up up to find live reindeer in their Christmas stockings,

to find a large sentient cake eating their grandparents,

and Jesus being born on the cross.

So, well, I'm here for largely the cricket.

I'm here with the BBC cricket coverage, you cricket fans?

Yes, congratulations.

I will expect sympathy and shoulders to cry on at a later point in the gig.

And

who's not a cricket fan?

What the fuck are you losers doing with your lives?

We are recording here on the 22nd of December 2021 on this day in the year 401 AD, Pope Innocent I was elected.

The only Pope to.

Any guesses?

Have kids.

Not quite.

Take Take a FIFA on debut for the Vatican in a test match against England.

That's basically the only country we've never fing lost to, actually, mate.

This is a crickety crowd.

I can sense it.

This

may confuse our American listeners.

It's not always been this way as a Pope.

Pope Innocent I was the only Pope ever to succeed his father,

which

I mean that must have been an awkward, it must have been an

awkward job interview.

So what did you say your dad did again?

Are you sure you're right for this job?

Saturday the 25th is...

Well, I'm surprised how few of you knew that.

Actually, that

doesn't bode too well for this gig.

Christmas, the notorious capitalist festival that historians believe may have had its origins in a humble Christian ritual.

And as part of the Bugle's Christmas celebrations, we're now going to have a Bugle Christmas quiz.

Of course, quizzes are part of the tradition of Christmas, right back to the very first Christmas, and the famous quiz:

So, Mary, can you tell me, is the father of this baby A,

me,

brackets, Joseph, your long-term boyfriend?

Is it B, as you claim, God,

or is it C, Luigi, your yoga instructor?

So we will now have a

bugle quiz.

Question one, and you can just shout out your answers as a group.

Multiple choice.

King Herod,

which is short for Alexander Rodriguez, of course.

Someone for any baseball fans in.

His controversial policy of killing all male children under the age of two is now widely considered to be what?

A.

Bullshit.

B, against EU law.

C, an attention-seeking act of performative North Wave feminism.

D, economically short-termist.

Or E, all of the above.

E, E is the correct answer.

World on Melbourne, you're 1-0 up.

Question two, what do historians now think the self-styled three wise men actually brought as gifts to the infant Christchild?

Was it A, gold, frankincense, and a box of cheap chocolates from the last last service station on the road into Bethlehem?

Was it B, an action man of Samson, a Barbie doll of the prophet Ruth, and Go Go Goliath, the hit board game where you had to flick little marbles out of a miniature sling to knock over a plastic Philistine?

Was it D, a teach yourself magic kit, the book Parable Writing for Dummies and Vouchers for Donkey Riding Lessons?

Or was it D, a gimp mask, whips, handcuffs, and thigh-high leather boots after a terrible misunderstanding?

Let's see.

C is the correct answer.

And finally, in our Christmas quiz, question three: Before Jesus was born, what did Santa Claus and his reindeer do for a job?

Was it A, mostly pizza deliveries?

Was it B, emergency building repairs and rescues?

Was it C, pest control, locust distraction mostly?

Was it D, corporate experience days?

Or was it E, they just argued.

I'm telling you, fellas, the business plan is sound.

We just need the right Messiah.

A, B, C, D, or E?

E, uh it's actually corporate experience days um so there you go melbourne you got uh one and a half out of three as always a section of the bugle is going where

it's going where melvin

oh and this of course on this christmas this is essentially how religions start um

he picked up his bed and

walked anyway right okay

although what that doesn't tell you is tone of of voice.

That's the thing with Bible stories.

When Jesus said, pick up your bed and walk.

He might have just been a kind of right-wing politician.

Pick up your bed and walk.

There's no handouts for you, my mate.

Chris, do you want to play a sting?

Because that was quite a long intro.

That's it.

It's what, Chris?

Chris, at what point was this bring your child to work, though?

I mean,

it's not work anymore.

We don't go to work anymore, Andy.

This is my life.

This is all our life for the last 18 months.

It's like, this is my office, that's my kitchen, and that's my living room.

Hi, Aussies.

Right, so it's time to meet our guests for the Bugle Live.

I realise I'm introducing people that some of you didn't even know you were going to see.

Could be a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm delighted, firstly, to welcome back to the Bugle Australia's greatest living human.

Not everything I say on this show is true.

But look, still,

still,

a fantastic comedian.

Great pleasure to welcome him to the Bugle Show.

Please welcome Tom Ballard!

F you Chris!

F you Tom!

Gee, no f ⁇ ing pressure with that intro, Andy.

Thanks very much.

The greatest living human.

No, greatest living Australian.

It's not a very high bar.

Not since Madge died.

Get on with it.

I'm in a bad mood.

I was expecting satirists for hire.

So I'm left with this bullshit.

How's your 2021 been?

As great years as...

It's been so good.

Oh, really?

I loved it.

Yeah.

Shall we move on?

Next topic, please.

Okay.

I've had a great time.

But the thing that comes to me, of course, is that this time of year we get to celebrate our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

Fing splitter.

So

it's nice to have Tom on the show because he teases me about being Jewish and I tease him that my Lord is going to burn him in the fires of eternal damnation for the way he lives his life.

It's a beautiful friendship.

Muzzletough, dear friend.

Joining us

today for On the Bugle for the very first time, it is a huge pleasure to welcome all the way from

Melbourne, but originally from Wales.

A man is not only a tremendous comedian, but also someone who knows way more about blues music than most people his age from Wales.

Probably from everyone your age from Wales put together, I think.

Please welcome to the Bugle the wonderful Lloyd Langford.

Welcome, Lloyd.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Bugle.

You've joined an illustrious cast that began with me and John Oliver and Tom, the former producer who's here.

So you are the latest in

Lloyd and I used to play football together

when Lloyd

lived in the correct atmosphere.

We used to play football with other comedians and they would always be talking about about like corporates and television and Poontang,

and

we'd just talk about muddy waters.

That was a particularly loose girl who lived in the dillage.

She's always had a hell of a night with muddy waters, to tell you.

Now I have to go and get a check.

Muddy Waters is also where I ended up after a gig at Swansea Universal.

Now, Lloyd,

you have recently had a baby.

No, I mean not.

I mean it's a team effort these days isn't it?

So

and your baby is how old?

Seven to eight weeks.

Right.

So that is your baby is

slightly younger than Alice Fraser's baby.

So you are now the champion of Bugle co-hosts with the youngest child.

At the end of the show we're going to get them on stage to fight.

Can you tell me from your seven weeks of parenting experience, what are your tips for any would-be parents out there?

Oh.

Can I say this?

One tip to you.

Know how old your baby is.

Like,

maybe it's cute at the start, but like you really should get pretty specific pretty quick.

I'll acknowledge its age.

I haven't gendered the beard.

Yeah, you know, don't come here with your old style views.

I'm sorry.

I'm finging cancelled.

I'll look in all its age when it turns one.

Up until then, don't just come out with this

weak nonsense.

Fair enough.

I can tell you the date of birth if anyone's good at maths.

Right.

Well, I'm here to do cricket statistics.

So, what's your one, your top tip from seven weeks of daddying?

One of the things that the midwife showed showed me is

when you're changing the nappy right

get the fresh nappy underneath right

the um soiled nappy right because otherwise you spend I'd say a good 45% of your time cleaning shit off a change table

which is the title of Lloyd's new parenting project

I've also been daddying recently but it's a very different

family show Tom.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Tom Ballard, an abomination in the eyes of God.

And loving it, baby.

Right, Chris, it's time for top story.

Top story this week: the Australia-UK trade deal.

Are you all excited about that here in Australia?

We are beside ourselves.

What's a moment?

The benefits of Brexit just keep cascading into the bounteous bosom of Britannia.

This new trade deal, I mean, what a trade deal.

It could boost the size of the UK economy, which let's not forget is God's favourite economy, of course.

That's why he appointed the Queen to look after it,

his only daughter.

The trade deal is going to boost the size of the UK economy by a staggeringly impressive 0.08%.

There we go.

Impressive, imperceptible potato, potato.

The margin of error with

any

prophylactic.

Well, you sound like you're speaking from recent and bitter experience there, Lloyd.

Lloyd, as someone

who's now living in Australia from the UK, you must have, I mean, this must have been such an exciting time for you.

Yes, well,

the Australian trade union leader said this was a very bad idea for Australia.

Recording in progress.

Mate, mate,

Chris.

I think I better choose my words.

No one will notice that.

Andy, are you aware that your line has been compromised?

You are currently being hacked by a robot.

How long has this show been going for?

That you were somehow less professional.

Yeah, well, that's because that fker over there emigrated and left us in the lurch with this loser.

Chris, have you been recording any of this until now?

Recording what?

Truly, f you, Chris.

He's paying some like £1.95 a minute for this.

It's being recorded at the back of the room.

Don't worry.

This is ruthlessly professional operation.

We're all fine.

We've also got five stenographers in the organization.

There is someone at the back currently beavering away at a tapestry.

Oh, what's a British podcast?

That's traditionally how we record.

So this trade deal, Thomas, I mean, you always...

Yeah, yeah, forget about me.

Come back to you later.

What I didn't get to do is funny joke.

Sorry, right.

You're absolutely right.

The moment had passed.

So feel free to talk, Tom.

I'll give you a tip.

Recording in progress.

You better be quick.

You have 20 minutes of podcast left.

To pay for more podcasts, press four.

Well, I'm livid about the trade deal, Andy.

I think it's no good.

Right, what's up, Tom?

Looking at this stage up here, it's already 66% Brits.

Here I am, a typical Aussie bloke.

You are, I've always said it, Tom Ballard, what an ocker.

Fing oath, mate.

And I'm up here doing the bugle, a bloody treasured Australian institution, and I'm competing with bloody Mr.

Welshy Fazeface.

and a frizzy haired London Jew.

I mean, goddamn!

It's a disgrace.

And

according to these other notes of my hilarious riffing,

I'm worried about the deal.

Before we know it, thanks to this deal, the entire Australian e-comedy scene is going to be awash with imported acts from Britain, like Adam Hills and Felicity Ward.

Let's take our country back, people!

Oh dear.

Oh, that's a dance as old as time itself.

So, Lloyd, just as the Bugles Anglo-Australian trade correspondent,

this has really shaken the world to its core, hasn't it?

This massive trade deal to swap fish fingers or whatever it is.

I was very confused when they said

the Brits are still going to import Australian beef and lamb.

and they're still going to have to do quarters.

Like,

we have our own beef and lamb.

Yeah.

Why don't we get some of the like Australian meats that we don't have?

Right.

Like, if I was in the UK now, like, I wouldn't be interested in eating like an Australian sheep.

Right.

But, like, a platypus.

Right.

Well, I mean, I guess it could open the door.

You could have the

meat and egg.

Right.

It's a mono, it's a mono tremendous, right?

Yeah.

But what you're describing there is the complete all-in-one breakfast.

Or like a wombat burger?

Like, stop holding back all the finging exotic animals.

Like, nothing beats Welsh lamb.

Right.

And an Australian lamb that's been flawed.

Yeah, but you should know, Lloyd, being Welsh, as you are, without breaking confidence.

The danger of eating these rarer species, because in Wales now, all the dragons were eaten and there are no dragons left.

So you, above all people, should know the dangers of this.

We'll send you some kangaroos and wombats if you send us some swans.

Very, very difficult to overcook a dragon.

You put a flame to it and it does absolutely nothing.

I don't like free trade, Andy.

I prefer fair trade.

Okay, that's what I'm about.

Yep.

Example, you give us Harry Stiles.

We give you Rolf Harris.

Okay, you keep.

That's fair.

That's a fair swap.

We have him currently, Donald.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, thanks for doing us the solid there.

We forget it.

Give us back our Minogues.

Well, one of them, anyway.

So

it's going to be a 0.08%

increase in UK GDP.

So the long-term cost of leaving the EU is estimated to be a tiny little 4% of GDP.

And we're getting 0.08% from, which is, I mean, mathematically, that's the same as 4, isn't it?

Any scientists in?

Now, I mean, cynics might say this trade deal is essentially the equivalent of starting a new fitness regime by putting on a roller skate.

when you haven't even bandaged the wound on your other leg after chainsawing it off yourself below the hip.

And those cynics would be right, but that's not the point.

It's a lovely roller skate.

And just wait until we sign a train deal to the mighty Solomon Islands as well.

Farming has been particularly cross-british.

The British farming sector has reacted to the trade deal very much the same way as England captain Joe Roots reacted to being struck by a 90-mile-an-hour cricket ball

right in the plums

for the second time in a day.

So the agricultural sector is not impressed.

And actually, there are quite a lot of parallels, actually.

You've got two balls in the snudges in a single day,

Joe Root.

He got one after choosing to do morning practice without a box.

And he got hit in the nuts.

So the parallels are uncanny because farmers broadly voted to leave the EU.

What is Brexit if not an avoidable fwack of the proverbial national scrotum?

Actually, for wine, though.

Are you guys going to be getting our sweet, sweet Australian wine, the elimination of all tariffs?

So now you can enjoy beautiful Australian wines, Andy, such as Sheila Shiraz,

Fwakin Pinot,

Struth Malbeck.

Yeah, I should have let you know.

The order's not right here.

And Offshore Oasis, which is made not from grapes, but from the tears of the refugees we keep held on prison islands.

That's a lovely drop.

I believe that's the house wine at the home office in the UK.

So we're hoping to be on the British wine industry's really taken off.

We'll be making our own in a couple of years.

Have you ever had a goonbag?

First time on the show, and you're already asking me that.

I've had a goonbag, but again, it's a very different.

It's part of the daddy experience.

A goonbag.

A goonbag.

It's like a.

Keep your accent, it sounds like a mythical creature.

Well, you know,

we killed all the dragons, so

then we had to move on to the goonbugs.

It's like an Australian delicacy.

Right.

It's like a bag of bad wine.

Oh, right, okay.

And you

attach it to your washing line.

You attach it to your

Hills hoists, a circular washing line, and then you all stand round in a circle, and then someone spins the washing line.

And then, like, when it.

I can't believe you haven't done this.

I had to do it as part of my partnership visa.

That's how the child happened.

Well, I think the conclusion from that is that Federation in 1901 is really not fucking working out.

The British government has been accused of selling farmers down the river, and the government response was, oh, I didn't know we could sell farmers.

That's something we can put on the next trade deal.

We don't need them anymore.

We've got what do you reckon?

What, £995 a farmer?

I reckon, let's launch it at £9.95 and drop it to £649 in the January sales.

That is the nation we are now.

We are trading global Britain.

This is what was said when we voted for Brexit,

that Britain had regained its mojo and we were going to be a great global nation again, global Britain.

And you could kind of sense the rest of the world hear those words, turn to each other nervously and say, nail everything down.

Part of the deal is that

British 18 to 35 year olds.

I'm outside of that.

Are you outside of that?

How old are you now?

15.

That's the Welsh.

They go backwards.

They hit 35 and they turn straight around.

I'm 38.

God, that makes me feel fing old.

How old were you when we first gigged together?

You were about 25.

I was a child, yeah.

I scraped him out of an orphanage and said, I'm going to make you a star, kid.

And here we are now.

When I first met you and John Oliver, I was a teenage boy.

Right.

And those things you did.

What?

Top quality satire?

That's why he had to emigrate.

Have you heard of John Oliver?

Has anyone here not heard of John Oliver?

Please, please.

Yes!

One!

Get in!

Everyone in this room has heard of Andy Zoltzmann.

Everyone!

Who's the f ⁇ ?

Yeah!

Who's the fing big dog now?

But anyway, I would say that the right to come to Australia as an 18 to 35-year-old to work for three years is way, way better for young British people than the rights to go and live, work and build your lives in any one of 27 countries across Europe,

which

is, according to scientists, the continent on which Britain currently is.

But I think far better to be able to come for three years to the other side of the world to do a range of jobs.

So it's all positive.

Despite this wonderful trade deal, however, Tom, Scott Morrison, your

beloved leader.

Shout out for Scovo.

Hello.

Shit, crowd.

His poll ratings have been falling.

Oh no.

But he's so cool and down to earth.

I mean, what can he gone down by 19 points in a year?

I mean, what could possibly explain

his personality, ideology, and general outlook.

Oh, okay.

But look,

if you ignore everything he says and does, he's quite good.

He's Scomo, and he's very boring, and that's my main problem.

He's evil, but boring at the same time.

All right.

Donald Trump.

Well, Donald Trump was entertaining.

He tweets funny shit.

He's a f ⁇ a porn star.

Scott Morrison looks like his safe word is spreadsheets.

And I'm just like, grow a mustache or something.

He did one shit himself in the McDonald's.

Oh, that was definitely...

That was part of your citizenship test, wasn't it?

That was straight after the goonbug.

You've got to know the one who shat himself in the McDonald's and the one who never came back from a swim.

That's the key to getting to Australia, isn't it?

It's pretty, I mean, he's been tanking, yes, this year because people were very furious about the vaccine rollout, which Scott Morrison famously described as not a race.

It's not a race to get vaccine, which is exactly what fat kids like me used to say during cross-country at high school.

It's not a race, everyone.

The main thing is we're having fun.

But

he's not very popular.

And

the polls are narrowing between him and Anthony Albanese and I did say part of this poll that was reported on this week said that 27% of respondents don't know who they prefer between Albanese and Scott Morrison.

Now both of these men have been in their jobs for like three years and in Australian politics that's a very long time.

Normally leaders get a chance to put their name on the station area and then are immediately beheaded in a bloody coup and sent to live out their days on Christmas Island.

Okay, but these guys have both been there for three years and people still don't know when asked which of these f heads are are less of a f ⁇ ing head.

People go, it's still a line call.

I can't figure it out.

More than like 27%.

That's crazy.

Right.

So I was intrigued by the term approval rating, which

seems kind of inappropriate for

modern politics, don't you think?

I mean, disapproval rating, they measure that as well.

I think I can't even look at the bastard rating

would be better.

Maybe if they were the only candidate on the ballot paper, I'd write out a festering pile of rotting donkey flesh and vote for that instead rating.

That would be good.

Maybe even I would rather vomit a pregnant porcupine and then down a pint of vinegar than listen to this self-serving crook speak for a second more rating.

Which I think

for Scott Morrison would be round about 23% of people go for that.

Boris Johnson on that one.

100% of people about Boris Johnson.

Albeit that is only a poll I did of me.

And also I do like vinegar

and I know how to grease a porcupine.

But look,

I don't get that.

It's very difficult to get malt vinegar in Australia, I've found.

Shit.

Yeah.

I mean, that's the good thing.

If you ask for vinegar for your chips,

they normally look at you confused.

Right.

And then they come back with this kind of clear

liquid.

Right.

You can't get malt.

Do you know what I mean?

That's a fing abomination.

Oh, yeah, we make up for it with sunshine.

Yeah.

Sorry there's no f ⁇ ing mushy peas, but there is a f ⁇ ing paradise out there.

We apologise.

I can mush my own peas, but I can't malt my own vinegar.

That was a muddy water song, actually, wasn't it?

Yeah, so

a final bit of Australian political story, Tom.

Joe

Hildebrand,

who you've described in capital letters, and I assume this is an acronym as moron,

has encouraged Australia to deal with COVID in a rather unusual way.

Yes, Joe Hildebrand is an ill-informed, ignorant dunce spouting opinions that are regular.

He's like your Prime Minister.

And

he wrote an opinion piece that he copped a lot of heat for in which he sort of said that we're just overreacting, okay?

Australia, we're bedwinners.

He wrote, we Australians like to think that we're a tough lot but the truth is we're a bunch of bedwetters it's time we found our balls and I'm not the first one to point this out but that really does read like Joe Hildebrand thinks that the urine is in the balls

which which is not a great opening to a piece in which you want people to take you seriously

For months we've been told that when COVID restrictions eased, case numbers would naturally increase, but there was no need to panic.

And so what happened?

Case numbers increased and we sharded our breeches.

Rude.

This is the inconvenient truth that COVID has exposed.

There are two Australias.

One is the rugged, relaxed, and confident character of our national mythos, and the other is the anxious, angry, and cosseted character who demands unconditional protection from all life slings and arrows.

Now, I'd actually argue there's three Australias, Andy.

There's those two Australias that Joe Hildeban describes, and there's actually a third Australia.

A rugged, relaxed, confident, thoughtful, cheeky, charming, and ripped Australia.

An Australia that likes to get a little crazy on the weekend.

An Australia that likes to get a little freaky in the bedroom.

A verse bottom Australia.

A dirty little freak of Australia.

Oh, you like that, don't you?

Oh, fall, f me, Australia.

Sorry, I got lost in the writing of that.

But he also said that no one is suggesting that we go back to licking toilet seats, but the eagerness of states to enforce once unthinkable restrictions in the name of our protection has fueled the sense that the government is wholly responsible for our health and well-being.

So apparently he's holding back on licking toilet seats.

Eventually, once we get the booster shots, then we'll be able to return to that beloved activity where we can lick up all the piss that comes from within the balls.

I think that's what Joe Hildebrand is going for.

Are we all learning?

We're learning.

We're learning.

This is one of the problems I found moving to Australia because I've got to relearn who all of the battle ends are in the country.

So I wouldn't know, like, you know,

like, I trust trust people, you know, so like I could end up in like I don't know Pauline Hanson's fish and chip shop

or you know like a new parents group with Sonia Kruger

and then afterwards I go on their Wikipedia page and I'm like oh this is an error

They are a notably bad person.

I asked Anne who, my partner Anne, who Joe Hildebrand was and she said he's like a sort of

cut-price priced Piers Morgan.

And I read this article right and he's talking about like Australia needs to grow some balls.

Australia should stop bedwetting.

Australia needs to do this.

I was like this I'm gonna look up a photograph of this guy because he's obviously a beefy Muscle man.

He's obviously a quivering hank of testosterone

who's talking, tell me how it is.

And then I looked him up and I saw a photo of him.

And he's basically egon from Ghostbusters.

Overcompensating.

Are Joe Hildebrand fun leaving?

You've crossed the line, Lloyd.

Well, someone, it's a curious call, isn't it, to grow some balls?

Yes.

That's, I mean, when you look at, you know,

things that have happened in history that that have been bad,

balls tend to be involved.

I mean, name one thing bad in history.

Anyone?

Joe Root.

Joe Root.

Oh.

Yeah, that's harsh, isn't it?

Yeah,

let's have some human sympathy for a man who's leading a really shit team with crushed testicles.

Uncrushed dreams.

I mean, you could have gone with Hitler or Stalin, but you went with Joe Root.

Well, you know,

there we go.

But, you know, they've mostly had balls.

So, really, really, you should have been saying, to deal with these problems, I think the world needs fewer balls.

It needs to lose some balls.

Yeah.

Like Hitler did.

He was in many ways a feminist.

Is that how it works?

Moving on now to Chris.

How are you doing in London, by the way?

How are we doing in London?

It's 10 o'clock and it's just about to get light.

It's one degrees outside.

Right.

I looked through my photo highlights of the year yesterday, Andy, and my favourite photo was a picture of me complaining about a new bin because it had a hole in it.

It's been a great year back home.

And absolutely, absolutely great.

And I mean, Covid is, I mean, basically, COVID has basically overtaken pigeons now, hasn't it?

It's just like flying through the streets, shitting on people's cars.

I believe about one in 40 people in London currently have it.

It's everywhere.

It's absolutely everywhere.

But you know, I mean, it could be worse.

It's not like we've got family to see over Christmas or anything.

Yeah, yeah.

But that's got

it shows the triumph of

the British attitude that we're at our best in adversity and we've given ourselves a f of a lot of adversity.

Someday it's going to come good for us.

I'm so glad both our governments have made it easy for you to travel here and like just pass on the other crime between between the two nations.

I think that's fantastic.

Sorry, I'm Jewish, I'm immune.

Okay.

So

I believe that's one of the conspiracy theories.

Right, world news now, and we are going to delve for the first time in Bugle history into Chilean politics.

Woo!

Chile, so I mean, what's...

Do you consider yourself a millennial, either of you?

Yes.

Yes?

Yeah, I think technically I am.

Right.

So, I mean, what's...

You can't be a millennial, you like blues too much.

I don't think I

cannot be a millennial if you're obsessed with blues.

You, you, you are definitely a millennial.

I'm the voice of a generation, eh?

So, I mean, what?

What?

Did she say sing us a song?

I think she wants you to sing some Gelsh blues.

Oh, me muddy waters.

Oh, I got broken up with.

Oh, I don't have any vinegar.

I'm sorry, that's pretty racist.

I'm the voice of a generation.

Unfortunately, that generation lived in around 30 AD.

Be f ⁇ ing guilty!

Reheat the Easter jokes at Christmas.

Who gives a shit?

Everyone loves it.

They both cost us market share.

Anyway, millennials in Chile do a bit more of their lives on you, Tom.

They become presidents.

Gabriel Boric, or Boric,

35 years old, has won the presidential election.

He's set to be the second youngest state leader in the world.

After...

Any guesses?

Nope.

Nope, he's younger than Finland.

And I'm not counting Boris Johnson's behavioral age here.

It's, of course, Giacomo Cimancini, the captain regent of San Ma fing Reno.

You disrespectful pieces of shit.

Have some respect for the only surviving micro-state in the Italian peninsula.

Now,

the oldest head of state.

We're laughing and we're learning.

I'll take one out of those anytime.

The oldest head of state?

The Queen.

Yes, exactly.

It's Betty Baubles, Lizzie Spanglehat, Elizabeth I.I.

II.

She's 95 years and eight months of pure God-selected monarch right there.

A six-foot-seven inch professional banknote model.

Stands behind a special prism so she doesn't tower over her subjects like Peter the Great did, so more humble.

Mother of four.

Is it still four?

Has he been sacked yet, Chris, or not?

Still four, still four.

And de facto grandmother of 67 million.

This is quite an exciting...

I know you're both obsessed with Chilean politics.

It's why you moved to the southern hemisphere, isn't it, Lloyd, to be

closer to Chile

on a latitudinal, was it longer?

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

So, it's quite, you know, it's an interesting thing that he's a sort of leftist, anti-free markets, and he overcame the challenge of the self-proclaimed Chilean Trump.

Is this a moment of hope?

I just think it's f ⁇ ing good.

I try to write jokes about this, but he's just f ⁇ ing awesome.

On the stump, when he was campaigning, he vowed to bury the neoliberal economic model left by General Pinochet and raise taxes on the super-rich to expand social services, fight inequality, and boost protections of the environment.

I very much enjoyed that his predecessor was a self-described

conservative billionaire.

Like is is there any other kind?

But if you're a conservative billionaire, you're like, well, I don't want to go into space.

I'll just visit the botanic garden.

His opponent was fascinating, right?

Jose Cast.

As a lawmaker, Cast has a record of attacking Chile's LGBT community and advocating more restrictive abortion laws, so basically similar politics to Andy Zaltman.

And in recent days, both candidates tried to veer towards the center.

I'm not an extremist.

This is a quote from Cast.

I'm not an extremist.

I don't feel far right.

Mr.

Cast proclaimed in the final stretch, even as he was dogged by revelations that his German-born father

had been a card-carrying member of Adolf Hitler's Nazi party.

Now, being a member of Adolf Hitler's Nazi Party is one thing, but don't carry a card.

You know, that's just rubbing it in, I think.

But he didn't feel far right, Andy, so it's all about how you feel, you know?

So

the key voter demographics in the Chilean election were young young people, women, people who give a shit about ephemeral trifles like inequality in the environment, the future and justice.

Now, there's not usually enough of them to swing an election,

but especially in Chile, where the key vote is often split by the influential this country should be less long and thin lobby.

We want the ridiculously slender nation to be squidged down into a less absurd shape to increase the sales of commemorative t-shirts with the silhouettes of the country on.

Spokesman for the party said, We're pretty much restricting our sales to people who are over seven foot two and are really skinny, and not many of them come on holiday to Chile because they're mostly too busy playing professional basketball.

But anyway, they managed to overcome this issue in and he defeated, you say, Jose Antonio Castrio describes himself as a was described as a free market fire brand, which I believe is a polite way of saying massive

and reading it between the lines.

El,

I believe.

That's the news from Chile this week.

We will report exclusively on

quite how quickly that dream falls apart over the next few years.

Yes, I look forward to the CIA coup being initiated

under the dull thud of political and economic reality.

Right, I think that's it.

It's been an absolute delight talking to you.

Chris, thanks very much for John.

Have you got anything else to say to our Australian crowd here?

Go for Tom.

Go now.

Do it.

Well, thanks.

It's quite an inconvenient time.

So thanks.

Give it up for Chris.

He does such a huge amount for us.

Christmas jumper there.

Have you got any

final messages for Chris?

Thank you, Chris.

There we go.

And by that, we mean Merry Christmas.

Give it up for Tom, who got the whole thing started all those years ago.

Welcome, welcome, Matt.

There's

please show your appreciation for the wonderful Tom Ballard

back on the Merry Christmas, everyone!

And on Bugle debut, Lloyd Langford.

Thank you very much for coming.

Thanks to the European Beer Cafe for having us, and I'll see you all next time.

Goodbye.

Everybody, give it up, Andy Saltzman.

Recording stopped.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.