Cox and Butts and old Bread Rolls (4212)

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please welcome to the stage, Andy Zoltman.

Hello, buglers!

Welcome to the Odeon Leicester Square.

This is the first time that I've appeared in a cinema.

Obviously, not the first time that John Oliver has appeared in a cinema.

But by this stage of his films, usually half the crowd's walked out.

So

we're doing well.

Welcome.

Welcome to the.

Welcome to.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to

the Bugle Live.

How are you?

Chris, how does that compare with the average Bugle Live audience in terms of how they are?

Could do better.

Could do better, okay.

Who are you?

How does that compare with the average Bugle Live audience in terms of self-awareness?

On par.

And why are you?

And how does that compare in terms of existential doubt?

Above average.

Above average.

Okay, all good.

And where are you?

Okay, good.

We'll let that one slide.

So I am Andy Zoltzman.

This is the Bugle Live Live from the Odeon Leicester Square doubling up as issue 4212 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual.

A visual.

What?

Oh, that'll do.

Good.

It is the 13th of November on

this day in the year 521 AD, exactly 1500 years ago, a goat died.

On this day, on the 13th of November in the year 1002, King Ethelred II of England ordered the killing of all Danes in the country.

You people, that is an awful thing to cheer.

I don't know if he actually believed in killing all Danes.

I think he was just trying to quell the anti-Dane faction in his party, but that's

how British politics has always worked, isn't it?

Happy birthday to St.

Augustine of Hippo.

Born on this day in 354 AD, he was the first ever children's cartoon character to be canonized after his miracle in helping toddlers get to sleep.

And today is World Kindness Day.

so

and you you all of you told Chris that was a test that was a test

yeah you're great you're the good one

so as always a section of the bugle is going where

Correct in the bin this week section of the bin the history of Leicester Square

have any of you been to Leicester Square before

yes a big fan.

Massive fan.

I mean, it's the jewel of London.

Leicester Square.

Leicester Square is a history of Leicester Square.

It was moved from Leicester to London by William the Conqueror in 1071 in an effort to quell rebellious barons in the Leicester area by physically moving their favourite square to London.

The square was dismantled, transported to London on horseback, and rebuilt here, exactly where we see it.

The Odeon in which we now sit, of course, was originally a fringe theatre in which Leicester, when it was still in Leicester, had put on anti-Norman plays.

But they moved it here, and it soon hosted the Gala A.

List Celebrity Opening Night World Premiere of the award-winning action hero blockbuster war tapestry about William's conquest of England.

Named, of course, after his famous catchphrase that he used when he hacked someone to pieces on the battlefield, Bay Yeah!

I mean, say what you like.

Not many other shows do jokes about 11th century tapestries.

So

Leicester Square was, of course, remodeled in 1351 after mathematicians calculated that it was in fact a hexagon, not a square.

Two sides were removed and were relocated to form the left and right sides of what is now Charing Cross Road.

That's a fact.

The square now contains a statue of celebrity playwright and sonneteer William Shakespeare, who used to hang out here because he really loved an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.

And also recently unveiled in the square is an artwork in tribute to the Prime Ministership of David Cameron.

Do any of you see that on the way in?

It might look like a bit of an old chewing gum stuck to a paving slab next to the remnants of a repeatedly trampled bit of vomited kebab

amidst the fading outline of where a fox once took a shit, but it is in fact a very appropriate piece of art and satire.

It's time now to meet our two guests.

Firstly, here, live and in no fewer than three dimensions.

I'll let you judge exactly how many, but it's at least three, having quite literally sprinted here from another gig, albeit in a car, because he is the king of Shobis, albeit he was ruling Shobis from a pub in Islington, I believe.

It's Nish Kumar!

Nish is modelling the bugle merch today.

Look at him, he's been working out.

Right.

Are you wearing the new pants or not?

I'm wearing the G-string.

All right, okay, good.

But it's an old issue, so I've got Zoltzman on lefty, Oliver on the right.

Well,

you're going to sit down.

Yeah, well, I mean, I've sat down at the desk.

I mean, I'll tell you what, you've said that it feels like with us sat behind a desk with microphones that it looks like we've made a transfer.

I say we all look like disgraced senators.

Such a fine line these days.

I feel like a member of the Roy family.

I'll stand up and join you.

I am wearing a bugle hat, bugle t-shirt, and bugle socks.

And I feel

empowered.

Also, can I be completely honest with you?

I did not think it was in the big room.

You've known me too long, Mish.

Genuinely,

our friend Daniel has asked me four times this week: is it in the big room?

And I've gone, there's no way they put Zolsman in the big room.

I'm at the

big screen and real life adds four pounds.

Okay, I'm actually much skinnier.

That's an optical illusion.

Fing.

Jesus Christ.

It looks like Mo Sal has had a nervous breakdown.

Right, also joining us on...

About to come, I assume the live coverage, well there we go, just in case you weren't aware.

The live coverage is going to be replaced by our other guest today joining us from earlier on today in California, where it is, I believe, about 11:30 a.m.

It's the man whose name accuses major international military collaborations of being jealous.

It's NATO Green.

Hello, NATO.

I got to say, watching Nish double over at the sight of my big, stupid face is going to be the best joke of the evening so far.

There's no other joke that is going to be funnier than Nish doubling over at the side.

So big at the side.

You've taken it over like a Doctor Who villain.

Just spritz me with water to keep me moist, Nish.

I am also wearing the bugle merch here.

You can't can't see it.

But ladies and gentlemen, please contribute to the voluntary subscription scheme and the merch so that Andy can afford to fly me out next time.

Yeah, come on, you fucking cheapskates.

Andy, I have a question.

Yep.

What is happening?

Well,

what is happening?

Everyone, I got an email from Andy saying, hey, do you want to do a live bugle with me and Nish?

And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever.

And so I have no idea where you are or what's happening.

So, well, Nish,

what has happened is you are quite literally big in London,

huge in London,

and you are a star of simultaneously stage and screen on a massive screen.

Here at the Odeon Cinema in Leicester Square.

And on this screen,

well, I imagine, I mean, you're basically the new Daniel Craig, I think.

Oh, sure.

He must have been on here a few weeks ago.

And how do do my pores look?

Do I look like I need microderm abrasion?

You look absolutely sensational, Nate.

Okay.

Thanks for polishing your head.

Thank you.

Yeah,

it took all morning to get my head to its right level of shininess.

Oh, boy.

This is the weirdest bugle we've ever done.

It is.

Right.

It genuinely is.

I mean, I'm having a fucking great time.

I see.

I see.

It looks like there are sponsors on the screen.

There's a bunch of sponsors.

So I don't know these sponsors.

One of them is called Manscaped.

And just to give you a sense of how on fire my comedy career is, I was given an opportunity to be a brand influencer for a men's ball shaving product.

So they looked me up and they're like, this is the guy.

Oh my God, your face has got even bigger.

NATO, as you started to castigate the sponsors, they immediately removed them from the screen.

I think also part of the problem here is that a company called, I don't know what they do, but a company called Manscaped presumably does not want its products affiliated with me because

if there's one thing this man is not, it's Scaped.

If this is how hairy the visible bits are, imagine what knotted forest is going on in the undercarriage.

Family show,

Family show.

Literally tonight, your daughter's here.

She's going to learn some of that.

I'm so sorry for some of the things that I'm about to say.

Right, I think it is now time for top story this week.

And well, where else to begin than with the exciting news from Glasgow that the world has agreed to potentially slightly decelerate the onset of Armageddon.

Which I think is.

There's not as much enthusiasm in the room as I'd hoped for for that.

A quick warning during the course of this section of tonight's Buel Show, vowels and consonants may at times be used entirely separate from each other, resulting in long runs of just vowels and/or long runs of just consonants.

These may include sounds such as a

and

as well as

just breaking before we came on stage, an agreement has been finally reached.

They extended the COP26 today.

They've just reached an agreement for a pro-environment emoji

of a face that is simultaneously genuinely concerned, but also really definitely thinking about planning to actually do something about it.

So, I mean, that is, I think, all the progress that we could have hoped.

Well, let's just do a quick survey of the audience.

Who likes the environment?

Who thinks it's had its chance and has blown it?

I think it was 52-48, and we all know how that ends.

Yes, well, it's Nish,

Andrew,

you are an environment user.

Big environment user.

How have you enjoyed it?

Well, look, I've been trying to find optimism where optimism can be found.

And there was an unexpected agreement reached between the US and China to work together to cut emissions.

And they said that they're going to commit that over the next 10 years that the temperature increase should only be 1.5 degrees centigrade.

Now, if some of this sounds familiar, it's because it absolutely is.

Because they basically made the same agreement in 2014 in Paris, an agreement that was then immediately torn up by President Donald Trump.

So basically, we're back to square one.

And in 2024, we're going to be back to square zero when he wins again.

Because let's be honest, either he's going to win as a person or the Republican Party is going to weekend at Bernie's, that motherfucker.

So animating his hands.

The concerning thing was one of the research directors at Chatham House, Bernice Lee, said that while cooperation between the US and China was positive, details remain patchy.

And listen, if there's one thing you want in science, it's for details to remain patchy.

Nothing spreads confidence like a doctor saying, listen, we understand you've been shot in the leg and you're currently bleeding to death.

I just just want to reassure you, we have a concrete plan on how we're going to stop you bleeding to death.

Well, it's not so much a plan.

Details are patchy, but it is a commitment to.

Oh, he's dead.

Oh, he's dead.

He bled out.

NATO, I mean, there must have been dancing on the streets of San Francisco when the news of the US-China agreement

came through.

Watching the COP26 unfold reminds me of an expression that we have in the United States.

I don't know if you've heard it, but all cops are bastards.

That is leftism squared, Nate.

You've acabbed the cops of it.

I would remove my hat to you if it wasn't currently branded merchandise.

I gotta say, COP26, so far, my least favorite cop.

I think the series ran out of gas at COP 18.

They ran out of gas and did not switch to renewables.

This season of COP feels stale and uninspired.

Like, is there a writer's strike on or what?

It reminds me of Peter Jackson doing a good job on The Lord of the Rings and then making a fing 38-hour-long Hobbit trilogy that was so tedious that even the monster chase scenes were boring.

Come on, Glasgow.

Give us a good monster chase.

Cop should have been more like, I may destroy you.

One season blows your mind.

Then everyone gets their BAFTAs to go do superhero movies.

That's what I want.

There was an audible reaction to NATO mentioning the Hobbit trilogy that I can only imagine was as visceral when it was screened in this cinema.

The two countries issued a joint declaration

in which they are going to revive a working group,

big working group fans here, that will meet regularly.

This cat is nearly back in the bag.

It will address the climate crisis and advance the multilateral process focusing on enhancing concrete actions in this decade.

I mean, it's it's almost done, isn't it?

The environment is nearly fixed.

They're gonna

we're talking about a working group here, Nish, that is gonna meet regularly.

Yeah, it's not a resting group that's gonna meet occasionally.

This is a frequent working group.

So we can all just fly everywhere again because it's all fine.

I killed four birds on my way here.

That's the title of Nish's new podcast.

It's a bit old school, but you know, you've got to claim it back, haven't you?

Now,

I've got a suggestion.

Because here's the thing, right?

A lot of the people here, the

no-good, feckless leftists of the bugle audience, you're not the people that need...

There you are.

Let's hear it for the feckless leftists.

Woo!

That's my new podcast.

Feckless Leftist is the name of the band starring the four people you're looking at right now.

I just think that the problem is, right, there's a lot of old white dudes that are not convinced about...

No offence to anyone here on stage or on screen.

There's a lot of old white dudes.

So how do we get old white people scared about climate change?

Call it climate immigration.

Because that

is the only thing that scares old white people.

Start telling them, oh no, it's not climate change.

It's foreign weather.

coming to get your good English weather.

There's some of it's Sharia weather that's coming over.

There's gonna be, and it's not coming over on boats, it's floating in through the air.

Flying Sharia weather is coming for you.

No one cut that out of context and put it on the internet, okay?

That was a world-class heckle.

Sometimes it's sunny, absolutely superb heckle.

Sometimes it's shiked.

Now, unfortunately, now this is this is not your, this is not on you as an audience.

You're not comedians.

Unfortunately, what you've done is stolen a Jason Manford joke from the mid-2000s, okay?

And that's not on you guys.

But Manford will be suing.

Talking about old white people, I should say I was talking to my dad about the climate change summit.

My dad is, as you all know, I think, an old Jew.

And he is enjoying this because he gets excited when white people who are not Jews are terrified.

What a specific interest.

Interesting reaction from some of the smaller nations that have attended COP.

The finance minister of Tuvalu, the Pacific Island nation, said we are literally sinking, to which the world responded, yes, and we are metaphorically helping.

The

Minister for Climate Resilience from Gannada said, What is on the table is the bare minimum.

Well, I mean, that's all you can expect, really.

And we've heard a lot lot about, you know, the time for words is over.

Now is the time for action.

I mean, do you agree with that, Nish, or do you not think that words are actually quite environmentally friendly?

Whereas action often ends in trees falling over?

I don't think you could besmirch all action with that, Andy.

Some action is very good.

Die Hard, for example.

Very good action in Die Hard.

Alec Sharma, who's run point on the whole thing,

said we're now at a moment.

He's very, very optimistic.

He has barely strolled point on this, Andy.

He said, We are now at a moment of truth.

Well, so that's it.

Truth is allowed one moment.

This is very exciting, and then it can get back in its box and let the adults take over again.

There's problems, aren't they?

I mean, there's problems with what's been suggested.

One is that fixing the environment is going to take ages.

We're talking about 2050 here, and three decades is not a recognized unit of time in democratic politics.

They might as well just pledge to do something within the next eon or by a millennium next Thursday or within a squillion weeks.

I mean,

anything more than 24-hour news?

Has they got any chance?

I mean, I don't think that there's, yeah, I mean, I think that's always a huge concern.

That's always a huge concern.

One of the things that they haven't managed to achieve is a firm commitment, because some of the nations in the global south are hoping to get some sort of financial package from the Global North, given that the Global South is largely not responsible for the effects of climate change.

And there have been talks of effectively climate reparations being paid.

Good luck, the Global South, because bear in mind, these countries do not want to pay actual reparations for terrible things that they've done.

You can't just go around getting free money.

You're not investment banks, okay?

I mean, there have been various pledges

of

sums, 100 million quid

here and there.

And yet.

That is the exact wording.

Here and there.

That seems to be basically.

I'm just trying to find the specific.

I mean, it basically is ball.

Let's ballpark it at a few, yeah, 100 million or so.

But it had been pointed out by Antonio Guterres, the UN

head coach.

Sorry, I've been watching too much sport.

That there are some.

There's a little bit of cricket, Andy.

I know the T20 World Cup is on at the moment, but you can't get your head in the gate.

Too soon, Nish, too soon.

You point out there's trillions in subsidies for fossil fuels.

So can you square

that trillions for fossil fuels and a bit of money for poorer countries?

I mean, is it that we just can't let the fossils have died in vain?

We owe it to everything the fossils have done for us.

They made our world possible.

We cannot just leave their corpses underground.

We have a duty as Christian countries to resurrect the fossils.

Honestly, are you being sponsored by Shell tonight?

Because it feels like that is the next logical extension of climate denialism.

No one has gone that way and gone, oh no, I'm pro-fossils.

Yeah, so here it is.

The UK has paid 290 million to help poorer countries cope with the impact of climate change, which I think is about eight minutes of the test and trace system.

Or

fuck, it's it is

so it's a bargain.

It's four bin bags,

it's five weeks of the running costs of the Trident nuclear deterrent.

So, you know, so I mean, I would hope for that at some point in the five weeks we'd launch a nuke just to show the developing world that we care.

Um, uh, NATO, obviously, one of the big stories to emerge from COP surrounded your president,

Joe Biden, and

his arse.

Now,

you are, of course, our American presidential flatulence correspondent.

So there it is.

There's the tweet from the New York Post, the founder of all truth, that

Prince Charles's wife, Camilla Parker Wells, can't stop talking about Joe Biden's long fart.

So, I mean, obviously, you know, there's a great history.

You've, in fact, written an influential history of American presidential flatulence covering the likes of John Quincy Adams, which he ate a lot of fruit, judging by his nickname,

Andrew the Claxon Jackson.

And

I think we all know what the B and Lyndon B.

Johnson stood for.

But

what's, I mean, how has this rocked America?

Because I mean, Biden's obviously under enough pressure as it is without this humiliation.

This is our renewable energy program.

Right, okay.

And,

you know, I mean, people say that, you know, Biden is an old guy who doesn't learn, but you will recall that when Michelle Obama visited England, she touched the queen, and people freaked out and said that you can't touch a royal.

And so Biden learned the lesson, took it to heart, and he

met the Duchess or Countess or whatever the f ⁇ she is.

Who cares?

Killed them all.

You know what?

That's fine for you to say NATO.

Everyone who clamped is getting decapitated, okay?

This was a sting operation on behalf of the Royals.

And, you know, Biden listened, learned the lesson, and he crop-dusted her instead,

which is a traditional greeting in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where he's from.

Well, the best piece of advice I have ever been given was

to never share good pieces of advice.

Oh, shit.

But the next best piece of advice I've ever been given

is that when a politician claims his or her, but almost certainly statistically his country andor government is not corrupt, you might as well just picture them rolling naked in a jacuzzi full of banknotes.

And we have this.

There is no member of the Conservative Party that I wish to picture naked, banknotes or otherwise.

And we've seen this.

We are apparently, according to our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, not remotely a corrupt country.

Now,

I mean, cynics might say, well, it might not be remotely a corrupt country, but we do have a corrupt Prime Minister and government.

But it's not quite the same.

And also, maybe we're not remotely corrupt.

We are simply directly corrupt.

We have close quarters, often above-board corruption.

Our corruption is a kind of low-tariff format of corruption that doesn't require being remote.

We've got the House of Lords,

we have

the way honours are handed out, government contracts with COVID, all in plain view of a country that fundamentally doesn't give enough of a shit.

We have the first-past-the-post system, which essentially buys the Conservatives and Labour an almost Sicilian level of corruption in legal democratic daylight.

So, I mean, I guess it comes out of what second job Jeffrey Cox is.

Are you familiar with Jeffrey Cox?

I mean, if he was, you know, his second job was as a voiceover artist for a pomposity awareness charity,

then you can sort of understand that.

That would sort of make sense.

But, you know, if his second job was being the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland, that would also.

Yeah.

But I mean, you know, what is disappointing is that they can't even be asked to do it on the sly.

You know, it the it they sort of, you know, say, oh, this is, you know, this is just how things should be.

You know, you've got skills,

you should use them.

And when when he's criticised, Geoffrey Cox responded responded by saying to his constituents he might be concerned that they're not his priority A.

He responded saying, Let me just check my parliamentary majority.

Oh, it's 25,000.

I'm afraid you're going to have to f write off.

He earned £900,000 in the past year working for the law firm Withers, who represent the British Virgin Islands, which is a tax haven.

And he represents that government in an inquiry into governance and possible corruption.

That is so f ⁇ ing corrupt.

That is a level of corruption that my father, in this wicked conversation, deemed Indian standard.

Oh, there can be no higher compliment.

He genuinely meant that as a compliment.

He was like, I thought we were the world leaders in corruption, but it turns out we are a distant second to these clowns.

How can you be in the government that's investigating the tax haven and also work for the law firm representing the tax haven?

It's the fing Spider-Man meme brought into law.

I just want the audience to be aware that

I went to the Withers website and there is a Jeffrey Cox page on the Withers website and you can email him directly and retain his services as an attorney.

I just want people to know, I'm not making any recommendations.

You're all adults.

Make your own choices.

I just want you to know that that option exists.

And in his bio on the Withers website,

it mentions that he was the Attorney General.

It mentions that he represents the British Virgin Islands.

It doesn't mention that he is irretrievably corrupt.

I do want to say I think Withers got a bad deal because they pay him 400,000 pounds to work 10 hours a week.

And Withers, call call me.

I will give you a solid 12 to 15 hours a week for £300,000 a year.

Let me jew you down.

I'm sure I can advise a British Virgin Island how to do corruption.

That's what the advice is, is how to pull it off.

Let's make it happen, baby.

Nato, I have to say, you are playing with fire here by informing the listeners of this podcast that there is a facility for them to email Jeffrey Cox.

I imagine Jeffrey Cox is about to receive approximately 50,000 pictures of a rooftop penis.

Oh, that's a nice call, Bagnish.

You've been cox blocked.

And if he doesn't,

I will be so disappointed.

If Jeffrey Cox doesn't receive 50,000 rooftop penises within the next week, I'll be furious with all of you.

Look, John Oliver can get medical debt cancelled, but can you, Uglers, email a bunch of dicks to a corrupt MP?

Cox sort of defended himself by saying that, you know, if voters were that fussed about it,

they would vote him out.

He said, electors decide whether or not he stays in his job or whether they pick a senior and distinguished professional who maintains a second job.

A Telegraph column has said the quality of an MP's work is policed by a mechanism we call democracy.

But that's not really how people vote, is it, in election?

For us, most people barely even know the name of their MPs.

And it shows the imprecision of voting.

If you're supposed to factor that in till when you write your X,

just X, one letter, you've got to boil it down to one letter

in a box.

Yes, you factor that it's quite hard when

you write your X in a box and you don't really know what you're voting for.

And you think, hang on, I thought I I was voting for the potholes in my road to be filled in, for the local youth centre to be shut down, for there to be insufficient medical staff, and for a completely unnecessary train line to be built at vast economic and ecological cost.

But now it turns out that I actually voted for my MP to fk off to the Cayman Islands and not do his job properly.

Oh well, whoops.

I'm putting X in a box in terms of precision.

and pointful.

To me, that's like playing Snog Maria Void with Nelson Mandela, Marie Curie and Confucius.

It seems oversimplified and largely pointless.

The thing that I find most well, I mean, I find, I mean, I find the whole thing infuriating, but the thing that I potentially find most infuriating is that Cox's defence, the idea that there is accountability in place, is pretty similar to Johnson's justification for the idea that Britain is not a corrupt country.

Just as a side note, before I go further down that road, in 2016, the Italian author Roberto Saviano, who wrote a book called Gomorrah and was forced into hiding by the power of the mafia in Naples, described Britain in 2016 as the most corrupt country on earth.

That is a man who has to live still under police protection because of the power of the mafia in Italy.

And he looked at the mafia and he looked at Britain and he went, I'll chance my arm.

Like, at the very least, if I stay in Italy, I'm going to have a lovely penne arabiata.

I don't want to have my corruption served with the side of whatever the f ⁇ steak and kidney pie is.

But it's deeply frustrating that Johnson's evidence that Britain is not a corrupt country is the fact that he was not able to change the laws this week because of pressure applied by the media and by members of the public.

That is like me walking into an all-you-can-eat buffet, sticking my dick in the mayonnaise, and as I'm led away by the police, going, the system works.

I should point out, Marlon Brando was a method actor.

Nish is a method comedian.

This is all.

I'm banned from Harvester for that joke, okay?

Was it worth it, Kumar?

NATO, let's move across the Atlantic because obviously, in terms of lunatic politicians, America remains very much a market leader.

Wait, Andy, are we going to talk about butts?

About butts.

Yeah, do we have butts stuff in the queue?

Oh, yeah.

Yo, let's do that.

Okay, let's do butts first.

You are

right.

Ready to serve.

That is a truly harrowing image.

Nate, I.

I googled that.

As the.

I don't even know what's on the screen.

So.

Well, I mean,

you would say, I mean, I would even go so far as to say, as the Bugles Assman correspondent.

So there was a a story that the headline, Horny Britons, this is from the Daily Mail, thank you very much, cost the NHS $3 million over the past decade sticking stuff up their butts.

I think that is an incredible story that

and I appreciate it so deeply that and if it does not get an anal pun run from Andy, this whole enterprise will not have been worth it.

So

why are you clapping that?

You would have to suffer through it.

You know that you're here and you can't press fast forward on life.

You are fing masochists.

Are people just shouting stuff now?

Yeah, yeah.

As usual, NATO, one of my gigs has descended to fast.

I assume there's a bread roll coming.

He's been pelted.

Pelted, I tell you, yet again.

For the benefit of the listeners, it's happened again.

Someone has bought a bread roll and thrown it at me on stage

at the Bugle Live Show.

Who was it that brought that?

Why are you handing it over to me like it's...

I've got the bread roll.

It's the yeast of my consent.

Don't fing start that, mate.

I'm definitely not eating a bread roll that's, let's be honest, absolutely covered in COVID.

Who threw the roll?

Was it you?

So what?

This morning you thought,

I've got a plan here.

6 p.m.

Hang on.

Chris is now running on stage to interview the roll thrower.

At what point, what's your name first of all?

Mitu.

Mitchu, nice to meet you.

I can't believe, Et2 Brown Man.

Another one of Nisha's new podcasts.

At Rollovitz.

I expect this from the no offense f ⁇ ing crackers.

At what point during the day did you come up with the idea for this?

Approximately 6.30.

At AM or PM?

I don't sleep much.

What was the...

I'm interested.

It feels like this is what would have happened if Lincoln had been given the opportunity to talk to John Wills Booth.

What?

What was the...

No offense, NATO.

I know.

It's a sore point.

Too soon.

What was the thinking behind it?

Did you think at some point he'll bring it up?

Or did you think...

What would have happened if I hadn't mentioned the bread roll?

Would there just have been a point during the Q ⁇ A where you'd have just gone, I'm going to have to f ⁇ ing chuck it now?

Couldn't have just kept it on the table.

Sooner or later, it was coming your direction.

You could have just kept it.

Had you had it out the entire time?

Because in a way, that's more threatening if I start to arrive at gigs and people just have bread rolls on the side tables.

You know what happens.

These guys got them as well.

Wait, how many of you got bread rolls?

How many people here currently have bread rolls?

Well, I mean, we did offer them a free bread roll with every ticket.

Just thought that's what you'd want.

I'll be honest with you, it's not your worst PR scheme.

Well, thank you.

A big round of applause for the bread thrower.

Yep.

We'd...

Now, get out.

We'd better by getting back to the...

Nish, you're never going to lose the COVID-15 if people keep throwing carbs at you.

NATO,

so yes, so well, yeah, we were on the...

Well,

we were up the butt.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just well,

for want of a better phrase, just fill us in.

So there's a study out

that people in England are in large numbers sticking toothbrushes, aerosol cans, toy figurines, and eggs in their butts, beer bottles, other items.

Yeah, because now we have the freedom to do it, because Brussels stopped us doing that

for full decade.

Were we not supposed to do that before 2016?

No!

No reason.

Take them back control.

The study was published in the Royal College of Surgeons England Anals,

the name of the publication.

Follow-up study coming out in Butthole Quarterly.

It's according to the data, it's mostly men who do it.

According to the study, they do it for sexual pleasure.

You don't say, I thought this was an ad for men's purses.

Lads, you don't have to carry your keys in your butt anymore.

Try out a manny pack instead.

Butts are for pooping.

Butts are for pooping, and oh, and dicks, and fingers, and tongues, but that's it.

And also, also strap-ons and dildos and vibrators, and nothing else, but also

try a feather.

So, I feel like

what I want to just bring your attention to, it sounds like a light-hearted butt joke, but

the...

Actually, Chris, can we get the chart on the screen?

So the thing that I love about the chart is it shows the age spread of people putting stuff in their butts.

And

first of all...

What I want to know...

Carry on, Nato, but I'm intrigued by

90 plus.

Just to be clear,

90 plus is not zero.

It's quite...

Right.

Well, yeah, I mean, you you assume that

there's a little spike there in the 10 to 14 range that is some innocent, you know, exploration, checking out the plumbing, if you will.

But then, you know, puberty hits, 15, not so much.

16, 17, 18, just hanging out, chilling.

19, chilling.

You turn 20, everything in the butt immediately.

What is going on with British 20-year-olds?

What are you doing at 20th birthday parties that suddenly there's just a mad stampede of stuff in the butt.

It does kind of suggest that allowing people to vote over the age of 18 is something of a risk.

I'll say it.

We need to normalize butt plugs.

We need, as a society, normalize butt plugs because that's why people are shoving cans of soup up there.

The other thing is,

as the Bugle Ass Play correspondent,

it is my pride as someone from San Francisco, this is part of our culture,

that if you're going to put something in your butt, you want it to be flared and tapered so that it's easy to remove.

And that is exactly the shape of the curve here

of the procedure.

It is like science is trying to teach us something.

So, this whole thing is also, I want you to appreciate this as members of the United Kingdom.

This is an argument for national health care, that you even have the option of getting this kind of data because you have the NHS to study it.

In the United States, we can't get this kind of data.

You have to get each individual private for-profit health plan and hospital to tell you separately how many people put stuff in their butts.

Now the taxpayers alliance is upset, and

it's a fascinating attempt to scrape the bottom in the effort to privatize the NHS.

We have to privatize so we can ration care because people are wasting money on getting stuff out of butts.

And

imagine if they succeeded and the NHS was fully privatized and you had an American-style brutalist healthcare system and then you had to teach history.

And you're telling kids in school, yeah, we used to have a naturalized healthcare system, but then too many men in their 20s stuck action figures in their butts and that's your asthma medicine.

So I just want you to take this lesson.

I want you to enjoy your butts.

Do ass play safely.

Keep it clean.

Don't use hot sauce.

I've learned that one the hard way.

If you're going to go into ass play,

lube and a flared bass.

That's what you need to know.

There's some laughing, there's some learning.

I assume lube and a flared bass is going to be the title of the episode, and was also

a band Andy was in in college.

Nato, how does it feel to have painted your Sistine Chapel?

That sounds like a horrible euphemism,

albeit an opposite one.

Moving on now to River Thames News.

Well, that was a forceful enthusiasm from citizens of London.

Now, as if we didn't have enough times at the end times, enough signs at the end times are definitely on the way.

They are coming with increasingly spangly hats, these signs.

This week, a plague of sharks in the River Thames.

Right here in traditionally shark-free London.

Shark, and I only read the headline of this story, sharks have been swimming amok

down there.

I mean, this is one of the few cities in the world where you can still innocently surf wherever you want with little or no chance of being eaten by a shark.

But I think this is great news, actually.

Like, I mean, it's a sign of

how dark our moment in history is, but it's good news that there is a bright side here, which is that in 1956, the Thames was declared biologically dead and now is brimming with life.

So,

venomous sharks is actually a sign of progress.

I call my penis NATO green because it's very funny and always hangs to the left.

Boom.

I'm very pleased with myself.

And it has a lot of hair on its back, I assume.

That's what I say.

I go into my Licha Beauty salad and I say, it's time to wax NATO.

Anyway, a friend of mine was obsessed with sharks.

And he's actually,

used to be the boss of a

boss of a film of a company that used to make horror films.

He was the hammerhead.

But he had a very traumatic.

Listen to the sound of your own voice.

You wanted this.

You know what this is?

This is fing Brexit all over again.

Yep.

It'll go on for nearly as long as well.

It all dated back to a trauma he had when his father

was eaten by a shark and aged my friend terribly.

Overnight his hair turned from grey to white.

Oh,

shit.

And he was also terrified of all large fish,

in fact.

And

he said he'd consulted all living US presidents and none of them had been able to offer him any decent advice.

He said not

George W,

not Donald and not even Barack, you'd thought he'd have had

something to say.

But anyway, it kind of played with his head and he started to get this, he started to have these visions and he claimed he could see

or he could perceive nuclear reactions.

He said, I can hear diffusion and last week I saw the fish, the fission, sort of fission.

That one didn't even make any sense.

No sense, didn't make it.

I know a lot of them don't make sense.

That one was no sense.

I was distracted before the gig when I usually write the puns by monitoring your process, your progress, your overrunning sounds.

So that's your fault.

Oh, it's my fault.

The puns don't make sense.

But he tried to work his way through his fear of fish by just swallowing them down whole.

And I said, you know, isn't that bad for your digestion?

Shouldn't you eat them in a different way?

And he said, chew, nah, no time.

No time for that.

Okay, you know what?

I'm back on board.

He liked to think.

you know, he liked to be prepared and he was always armed.

And he also was obsessed with old Scottish inventors, and he spent a lot of time thinking about with what he would arm, with what guns he would arm famous Scottish inventors with, in case they came face-to-face with a terrifying large fish.

And he said to me, I reckon John Logibair, Glock, James Watt, Smith and Wesson, Alexander Graham Bell, Luger.

I don't think I've ever been this angry with someone while wearing three images of their face.

Well,

I mean, it just used to happen all the way.

Whenever I did pun runs in the old days of the bugle, they would always stir John.

Thank you.

That's like a round of applause for quite a good putt.

But

also, actually,

my fish-fearing friend, he had some big friends in the world of pop music, and he liked to go skating with them.

But he was a bit rushed one day and he'd forgotten his skates, and he had to send an email to sting Ray Skates.

That's two in one there.

But he was quite excited, his friend.

I can't believe he's bad.

I knew you were in trouble the second he said pop star.

I was like, is he going to say sting?

Well, it was obviously.

And we're very nearly done.

He thinks Elon Musk, he's very excited about Elon Musk.

He thinks he could be the man,

he could develop a means of reanimating corpses.

He said to me, he could be the man to raise the dead.

Anyway, but I mean, he lived in Hollywood, so he used to play all the top Hollywood actresses at tennis.

He thrashed Greta Garbo.

He took Shirley Temple apart in straight sets, and he absolutely blew Marlene, blew Marlene, blew Marlene a Dick Trick off the corpse.

But anyway, he was quite angry with that one.

Eventually,

he

challenged, someone got very angry with me, challenged him to a duel, but he quite often did, but he insisted on dueling only with household DIY implements, and he would issue the challenge in somewhat outdated, chivalrous language.

So he said to this guy, Pick the Asaw.

This gig is over.

We are over our contractually obliged time.

Right, I'm just going to mull it over for a while.

Sorry.

Not many people have the guts to end a show on something that is designed to fail.

Whoa.

It's not a fish.

It's not a fish.

Form-blooded.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck you.

That's the problem with it.

Yeah.

Right.

We've all had a whale of a time, and so I was doing all wrong.

Right.

That is it.

Thank you very much for coming.

It's been a fun gig.

I've not done a lot of live shows since the before times, and I still feel quite rusty, but you've been absolutely delightful.

Give it up for the wonderful and massive NATO Green.

Cheers, everybody.

You can see him in all films that are going to be screened here over the next 10 years.

Thanks to Nish Kubar.

It's been a pleasure talking to you all.

Thanks to the wonderful producer Chris.

Thanks to the Odeon for having us.

Thanks to Podicon.

And I've been Andy.

Goodbye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.