Frazzles and Chipsticks (4208)

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Basic greeting, bit of waffle, introduce guests, pretend to care what they've been up to.

Something about the date, section in the bin, needless cricket reference, a bleak message about Scientology.

Oh, sorry, I'm reading the running order, not the script.

Sorry, my mistake.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4208 of The Bugle with me, Andy Zoltzman, in the shed, not live and in zero dimensions, as is so often the case with the recorded audio shows, unless you count time and sound as dimensions, which is up to you.

It's Monday, the 11th of October, 2021, as we record.

And later on, we will be looking at the global supply chain problems.

But there's no such trouble with our bugle co-hosts this week.

First, someone who's not been on the show for six months, during which time he's been a mixture of stuck in a shipping container and/or totally out of fuel.

I assume that's why he's not been on anyway, but thankfully the global supply of Tom Ballard's is flowing once again.

Welcome back, Tom.

How have you been?

I have been terrible.

Oh, right.

Hang on.

Sorry, I should have some humorous jokes about this, but no, I've had a mental collapse and a identity crisis, questioning my place in the world.

There's been a lot of inflation around my body as well.

I've put on a lot of weight.

And I'm desperate for this hellhole of pandemic lockdown to be over so I can be free and out there living a more fulfilling life, connecting with other human beings.

But thank you for asking, Andy.

I know how important it is to you to check in with us and ask us what we've got up to.

So thanks for that six bit of introductory banter.

Now, obviously, the idea that supplies of everything are grinding to a halt is just another global conspiracy by the Bilderberg Group to make us inject ourselves with tracking devices and donate all our organs to Warren Buffett to make him functionally immortal.

However, the supply chain of new Bugle co-hosts is also in good health.

So welcome to the show, Neil Delamere.

Hello, how are you?

Great, thanks.

Lovely to

have you

on the show.

Introduce yourself to the listeners.

I am joining you from Ireland in the EU where there are no shortages at the moment.

I've had my first petrol bath of the day Andy, it was delightful.

The scented candles were a bit of a risk, I will admit to that, but I'm feeling very relaxed.

I'm looking at my water feature in my garden.

It's a little boy weighing water into the fountain that you may have seen before.

Except it's not a little boy, it's GRUing, and it's not water, it's diesel.

But the point stands.

I am very, very well, gentlemen.

And I do like that you asked me a question I can answer it rather than asking Tom.

What I believe is called a question.

You know, in the legal dramas, they always say, don't ask a question that you don't know the answer to.

You got more than you bargained for there.

And I really enjoyed the discomfort, I have to say.

Sorry, I just forgot.

Oh, you're welcome.

I forgot I wasn't speaking to someone British who would just say, oh, I'm fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Squeeze it back down.

Why are you drinking at 11 o'clock this morning?

I'm fine.

I've told you already.

We are recording on Monday the 11th of October.

The 12th of October marks the 100th anniversary of the 187th anniversary of the 242nd anniversary of the day that explorer, entrepreneur, travel writer and frequent shithead Christopher Columbus arrived on the western side of the Atlantic.

Fair to say, Team Europe's behaviour in the subsequent centuries has not always been tip-top.

And certainly Columbus and his acolytes and followers interpreted the philosophy of Jesus Christ, who of course was Europe's number one ranked messiah in 1492, pretty loosely.

Or maybe that since 1492, we've just lost some of the chapters of the Bibles that Columbus and the like read, featuring the parable of the genocidal occupation, and the miracle where Jesus turned free people into slaves and money.

And back in the OG Testament, Psalm 287, I think you'll find that's actually mine now.

Wednesday, the 13th of October, is bring your teddy bear to work day.

But the big question is, what should you do with your teddy bear when you get there?

Recent research shows that in 64% of all jobs, it doesn't matter in terms of overall output if the work is done by a human.

or a teddy bear.

These jobs include cabinet minister, chief executive, action movie script editor, and football referee.

So don't just take your teddy bear to work.

Let it do your job.

Disclaimer, the bugle cannot be held responsible for any vehicular accidents, botch surgeries, escape prisoners, or other workplace mishaps resulting from you letting your teddy bear do your job.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week.

Fear.

Tomorrow, the 12th of October, as we record, is World Face Your Fears Day.

And our special section is, in fact, a free offer.

We will face a fear for you.

Choose from one of the following five common fears.

Career-ending asteroid strike, the unstoppable march of time, finding a wasp's nest in your underwear drawer, finding a Republican in your underwear drawer, or having to make a speech to the Chinese Politburo, but you've lost your notes, you don't have any clothes on, you're dangling from a trapeze whilst in a rickety old 1930s aeroplane surrounded by mice with clown makeup on, and the microphone is quite literally a snake.

We will face down one of those five fears on your behalf to email us with fear A, B, C, D, or E in the subject box, and we will leave you to spend the rest of World Face Your Fears Day finding a fresh new thing to be afraid of.

Maybe buses, or Judy Dench films, or slightly over-salted bread, or those parts of the year where there is no Test cricket, or the fact that maybe you are nothing but a mortal corporeal entity in desperate need, perhaps, of some kind of spiritual cleansing.

At that section, in the bin.

I have a question about that.

You know, you say finding

a Republican in your underwear drawer.

Yes.

I would suggest that there are levels.

So, Australian Republican, hmm, doesn't like queen that much.

American Republican, hmm, interesting.

Irish Republican, I think there's three different levels there.

I probably should specify that what both the type of Republican and the nature of the underwear involved.

Top story this week: there's a tough winter ahead.

It's October, and that only means one thing.

It's heading towards November.

And then December, which, as the vast majority of the world recognises, is winter time.

Six and a half billion people.

Can't be wrong, Tom.

Whatever you crazy.

and um

this uh this winter looks set to be a bit of a tricky one for the world the shortages of fuel food and stuff in general become the trendy must-have accessory for any up-to-the-minute fashion conscious economy um what are you guys most uh most looking forward to uh in the uh or the winter of discontent that seems to be looming around the world well i gotta say andy from an australian perspective it's just it's just lovely to have some great news you know some good news story uh coming out of the northern hemisphere seeing as we're all still stuck in in a pandemic lockdown and trapped on this giant prison island down here, it's nice to know that while you guys in the northern hemisphere might have higher vaccination rates and freedoms than us, it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to enjoy it either.

You're not going to be able to attend large live events or enjoy the holidays with loved ones.

You'll be too busy stockpiling fish fingers and beating back the marauding gangs that will be going door to door, harvesting all of your Christmas pudding ingredients and siphoning gas directly from your own assholes so they can sell it on the black market.

Sucks to be you, Andy.

It's a very fair point.

Neil,

what are you especially excited about at the moment?

I just quite like the stockpiling.

I think Pot Noodle has really stepped up to the plate with their new apocalypse range, Andy.

I mean, I think what they've done there is amazing.

Chicken Jiao Stalingrad is

absolutely rat meat tikka masala.

Have you tried it?

Oh, the Kung Po shoe leather is my personal favourite, not to say it.

I'm enjoying the newfound power that HGV drivers have.

I quite like that idea.

Like this idea that the UK government is going, Here,

please come in.

We'll give you a few visas.

And they know they've never been in more demand.

If I was a HGV driver, I'd be like, Visa?

Get out with your visa.

I want a passport.

I want a gun, a golden hovercraft, stem cells from a virgin, and a fresh, not a dried, a fresh supply of hitchhikers.

These are my demands.

I'm indeed nailing them to the local cathedral cathedral door.

I like that.

I really like that.

And I thought you'd like that reference.

Yes, but well.

Well, stem cells from a virgin.

That is a Catholic nightmare, that is.

That's really a.

No, that's the foundation of the faith, I think.

Good point.

What is shrinkflation?

Tell me what shrink.

Explain shrinkflation to me, Andy.

It confuses me.

Oh, well,

Neil, I think you are the Bugle's shrinkflation correspondent.

Essentially, it's where the price of a product stays the same, but the quantity that you're getting for that price comes down.

Is that correct?

That's pretty much what it is.

Energy prices are going up, all the staple prices are going up.

So, rather than some food company charging you more, they charge you the same amount and they give you, say, five cream eggs as one example, rather than six, and you're meant to not notice this.

It's happening all over the place.

Even if you don't know it, I bought a Terry's Chocolate Satsuma the other day by mistake.

And this sort of stuff is everywhere.

90% of Britons in a recent survey said that they were annoyed at signs of shrinkflation.

And of course, that was 95% last year.

So even within the survey, this sort of stuff is happening.

Right.

But actually, the average height and weight of the people annoyed has also come down.

Yeah, massively.

It's happening.

Everything is getting smaller.

A couple of years ago, I went to, I like to go in Scotland for my holidays, and I went to the Isle of Skye, and I went horse riding, and the horses were huge and massive and muscular.

And a couple of weeks ago, I went to Shetland.

Unbelievably disappointing, I have to say.

They were absolutely tiny.

And I think it's time that we start protesting this.

They're writing roughshot of us.

I mean, it is tragic.

Multi-packs of crisps have gone down from 24 packets to 22,

which has caused rioting on the streets.

Bags of peanuts, down by 10% in size.

Eggs down from chicken eggs to worm eggs.

Fizzy drinks are now 50% more bubbles, equating to 8% less liquid.

Frozen peas are now mostly hollow.

The supermarket chain Adequate has just launched its new Just the Packaging range, which has absolutely no food in whatsoever.

I mean, jelly babies, I remember when they were jelly adults.

Next year it'll be jelly embryos.

Getting

banned in Texas, of course.

I was reading an article this that said recent examples include Walker's, which cut two bags of crisps from its 24-bag multi-packs while the price stayed at £3.50.

Smith's Frazzles and Chipsticks now sell in a pack of six bags instead of eight for £1.

And Andy, I believe Frazzles and Chipsticks was the original name of your double-act with John Oliver, isn't that right?

It was, yeah.

Isn't that right, Frazzles?

That is.

Frazzles and chipsticks are also his nicknames for his testicles.

Oh, really?

Frazzles is a bit more fast and loose with the rules.

He's actually going to base a buddy cop movie on his own testicles.

Chipsticks?

I was one day away from retirement.

I'm too old for this shit.

Shit.

I hang lower.

Come on.

Yeah.

To be honest, my testicles are in retirement essentially anyway, so

too close to home.

Obviously, the pioneer of strengthflation was Jesus Christ.

who fed the 5,000, but did he fill the 5,000?

Questions remain.

And, you know, it's much about branding, isn't it?

Is it shrinking or is it

nouvelle cuisine?

You know, potato, little lotter's and potato.

It's very hard to tell, really.

There's a way around this as well, because all these foods are going to get more expensive, right?

So why do we keep buying them?

Like Heinz and Kraft and all the rest are going, oh, listen, you're going to have to buy our stuff.

It's going to be more expensive.

Let's go back to the old ways.

Why don't we make them ourselves?

I mean, you could buy Pepsi Max or you could get a smoker that you know to cough their tar into an aquarium.

And once the pump puts bubbles into it, that's you know, Pepsi Max essentially.

You know, do you want Capri Sun or do you want to piss in some tinfoil?

These are the questions we have to ask ourselves.

Is it a Raffaello?

Is it some white dog shit?

I mean, think outside the box.

Yeah.

I'm looking up a few other effects.

More shrinkflation happening across British society, Andy.

The number of balls in a cricket over will be cut from six down to four.

The number of surviving Beatles is expected to be slashed by 50% any day now.

Andy Zaltzmann shows are expected to come with 45% fewer puns.

And in fact, cost pressures are now getting so bad, the Met Police has had to slash any criminal investigations into allegedly pedophilic members of the Royal Family by 100% now.

They're down 100%.

It's going to save a lot of money.

It's going to save a lot of money.

Kraft Heinz said, as you say, said people are going to have to get used to higher food prices.

It's interesting that they went with that.

People haven't yet used to higher food prices.

They're not saying we're going to have to get used to lower, lower profits.

Very much, you know, this is landing on the consumer.

Now, Kraft Heinz has made between 8 and 10 billion profits a year in the last few years.

Now, surely, you know, they must have been putting some of that away for a rainy day.

And by a rainy day, I do, of course, mean absolute global shitstorm.

But

do you think the people who make baked beans have ever considered putting stuff away for a while?

Do you think those people have ever,

you know, have they ever come across people in bunkers or something like that?

Like, it just seems that something that they should have heard about, doesn't it?

They should have done.

But, you know, apparently there's now a certainty there will be shortages at Christmas

in the UK.

But I think, you know, like everything, we've got to put a positive Brexit spin on this.

We're going back to enjoying British Christmas as a British spiritual British festival and a chance to Britishly spend British time with our British families unencumbered by presents and filthy foreign food like turkey

and potatoes, which is American nonsense.

So, you know, it's not all bad.

Yeah, I mean, I think that the worries about inflation, you know, inflation is at 3.2%, like something like this, and people are getting very worried in the UK about inflation.

And if you listen, if you just listen carefully, you can hear the people of Zimbabwe and Venezuela going, Oh, God love you, 3.2%.

What are you gonna do?

3.2% over a full year.

Oh, God, do you want us to hold a concert for you, do you?

Why don't you get a shotgun and some whiskey and go into the study study if you can afford it and do the decent thing?

Like,

it was

three.

What was that?

Put your shotgun on eBay to try and raise a bit of extra money.

Well, yeah, that's what I meant, Jeff.

Can I just say, Neil, that was the best Zimbabwean Venezuelan accent that I've ever heard in my comedy career?

Yeah, you know, I considered both and then thought, I like working.

I just like working.

I thought maybe I could do Hugo Chavez, but I'm not doing Mugatti.

I mean, I'm not doing Mugatti.

It was evolution was 300,000% in Venezuela.

300,000%.

The Rolo ads really meant a lot in Caracas because

when you bought a packet of Rolo, the last Rolo was was like worth 47 times more than the first Rolo.

So you really had to love the person a lot to give them the last Rolo.

I've never seen the economic subtext of that before.

You see, there's ancillary effects of these things that we don't really think about.

Energy Secretary Kwasi Kwateng, who seems to be hoping that scientists will find a way of converting evasiveness into electricity, refused to give energy companies a steer on what help the government may give them.

And then, when pressed on winter clothing in an interview, he said, My job as energy minister is not to tell people how many layers of clothing they should wear.

That's not really my job.

That is the level of our politics now he was asked if he's advising people to wear another woolly jumper or a pair of socks he said it's up to people it's amazing how different people's cold thresholds can be

that will that will be their next policy

another woolly jump okay electric okay electricity blackouts wear the woolly jumper you get a government-issued balloon

if you could just rub yourself with that and plug yourself into the national grids and put the socks on and run on the carpet.

Run on that carpet.

I mean, it is essentially the government's strategy.

They've cut the £20 a week extra universal credit rise that has helped people through the recent

global shambozzles.

It's been de-rised in the last week in technical parlance.

And I think they're basically just now advising the poor to develop a higher cold and hunger threshold, which is actually a very efficient form of government.

And it's all part of the government's plan to sort of Thelma and Louise Britain into the next chapter of

the COVID economic story.

But in this version of Thelma and Louise, Louise straps a brick to the accelerator pedal, jumps out of the car and says, Thelma, why don't you just see how it goes and report back?

I will hold the thought here.

Cheers, huh?

Ian Duncan Smith was against the getting rid of the £20 credit.

Ian Duncan Smith, which means he was clearly recently visited by three ghosts, you would imagine.

One of the main reasons they're worried about

the electricity prices and the gas prices is because Europe, in particular, is so dependent on Russia.

Like, you cannot make any sort of decent deals when Putin controls the supply of gas.

Like, they must have been on Zoom calls with Vladimir Putin going, you know, your actions in Crimea were disgraced and the sanctions are going to stay in place.

And he's just like, Look at your cooker.

Oh, look.

It appears the front ring has turned itself off.

That's so sad.

If that egg was not to boil itself.

Just looking on the on the Bloomberg website they were tipping Russian companies as a sound investment at the moment, which I think kind of just summarises everything that is currently wrong.

Also schools have been told to stockpile food to avoid winter shortages because of the supply chain chaos.

And I think this is great, I think it's good practical lessons for school children.

And we've made it too easy for our kids being fed, most of them.

I mean, obviously, as the old saying goes, you can feed some of the children all of the time, and all of the children some of the time, as long as charities and footballers step in and help out.

But you can't feed all of the children all of the time unless you give a shit.

And that's, you know, so you can understand the government not necessarily stepping into the breach on this.

And, you know, it's a good lesson, you know,

if schools are short of food over the winter.

It teaches them all different types of subjects, mathematics.

You know, if Barry has stockpiled six lunches and Ian has stockpiled nine lunches and there are

three weeks left of the winter term, on what day and at what time will Barry and Ian be having a fight to the death in the school playground over the last available sausage roll?

And for an extra two marks, how many children will have to be dangerously hungry before a government minister takes some responsibility for the situation, which of course is a trick math question because if you multiply anything by zero, it stays at zero.

Maths and satire.

Wow.

That's what we're here for.

It's a genius manoeuvre to it to to outmaneuver Marcus Rashford, isn't it?

And all the pressure he puts on them to give out free school meals, you know?

Not having food.

Whoa, your move, Marcus.

What are you going to make us do now?

There's nothing here.

Divide that.

For those of you unfamiliar, Marcus Rashford is the leader of the opposition

based on the second informal rashford recovers from a shoulder injury.

My wife pointed out to me about the HDV visas thing.

You know, so the government said, listen, we're going to have emergency visas.

And only 27 people applied from the EU to get HGV visas.

How many countries are in the EU?

Well, I mean, slightly fewer than they used to be.

Yeah, so there's 27.

Right.

It does sound like the EU deliberately sent one person each to absolutely take the piss out of Boris Johnson's government, like the Eurovision.

Right.

Well, you say that, but maybe they are all sending us their absolute best lorry driver because they know what an amazing note they can only send Britain the absolute cream of the cream.

Yeah, MIP, yeah.

I mean, if the Eurovision is anything to judge by, that's definitely the answer to the questions.

I think just news just in there's just now being slashed to 25 visas for lorry drivers to due to true inflation.

So, or even the numbers are coming down.

Can you confirm that N4?

It's 23 now.

AUKUS update news.

Now, a few weeks ago, we reported exclusively for the world on the AUKUS deal between Australia, the UK, and the USA involving some nuclear-powered submarines.

Tom,

as an Australian who's a massive fan of

nuclear warfare from memory,

bring us up to date with

the latest fallout from this rather extraordinary deal that has pissed off the French significantly.

Yeah, it's still fucked, Andy.

There's your update right there.

It's always good to check in.

Even as ordinary British people are punching each other in the face at petrol stations and paying 45 quid for half a gram of peanut brittle, and Australians are still diseased and held in solitary confinement under a police state administered by a corrupt political class, all of us groaning under crippling intergenerational public debt.

Don't worry, everyone, we still have the resources to build multi-billion dollar nuclear death tubes that won't be delivered for another 40 years and will almost certainly begin World War III.

It's still on track, Andy.

Well, that sounds reassuring.

That is reassuring

this time of uncertainty that we can still rely on

that we can hang on to, yes.

As you mentioned, it's Australia, it's the UK, it's the US.

It's sort of they put the names together.

It's kind of the geopolitical branjelina.

That's how I like to think of it.

It's kind of a diplomatic three-way, but like all three ways, it's sticky, it stinks, and someone's going to get hurt.

I enjoyed that more than

you did.

Joe, Tom.

You are stronger.

I admire the fact that you didn't mention Seaman anywhere there.

I respect your respect.

Thank you, Neil.

Thank you, Neil.

Always.

Never go clack on the bugle.

We love it, though.

I don't know if you mentioned it on your show, but when it was announced in Australia, our Prime Minister slash marketing exercise made flesh, Scott Morrison, described the alliance with the UK and the US as a forever partnership, which I would argue seems a little bit clingy to me.

And maybe, Scott, you just play a little bit cool, keep your options open.

Nothing in politics is forever except for the presidency of Xi Jinping.

And he's going to be calling the shots until death.

He's 68.

Joe Biden's going to be lucky to get through this winter.

So let's not be picking our teams just yet, okay, Scott.

Let's just see how it plays out a little bit.

Yeah, it's forever partnership is something that he carves into a tree.

That's what that is.

Bison and Scott forever.

Forever.

Also, bear in mind, this forever partnership is between the UK and two former

members of the UK who decided that they didn't want to be forever in that partnership.

So this is very much a second goal at a marriage that's not entirely worth the first time round.

The word is that France is, well, no longer trusts

the UK, which isn't a problem for us in the UK because we've got some of the world's most trusting and trustworthy despots on side instead of our European partners.

And it's much easier to build long-term relationships with them because, as you said, Tom, they don't get annoyingly voted out of office so often.

But there's now concern over exactly how these subs are going to be powered.

There's pressure on the AUKUS partners to scrap plans to use weapons-grade uranium on submarines.

And I think that stems from a lack of faith in the sentence,

weapons-grade uranium.

What the f ⁇ could possibly go wrong with that?

If Australia gets weapons-grade uranium, everyone is going to want weapons-grade uranium.

So that must make you proud to be such a trendsetter.

Globe because everyone wants to copy the great Australian model.

Everyone wants to be cool like Australia.

It's a dance as old as time.

I think we could all agree.

But it's not going well.

We're pissing people off left, right, and centre.

Okay, here's one report.

The French Institute for International Relations, think tank, criticised the escalating danger of the war, including nuclear war, as you mentioned, Andy, provoked by the AUKUS Treaty targeting China.

The Institute warned that the signing of AUKUS may trigger a nuclear arms race and that the move dangerously exacerbates tensions in East Asia.

It listed Indonesia, Malaysia, and Singapore, as well as Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia, as regional powers angered by the AUGUS deal.

So that's just France, China, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia that we've managed to piss off simultaneously.

But hey, in our defense, we have nuclear submarines, so go f yourself.

How about that?

Or at least we're going to.

Apparently, they're not going to arrive until 2040 at the earliest, which I just love that, like, all the West are saying that China is an immediate threat that we need to do something about now.

And we're going to act on that.

And we will get that, the weapons that we're talking about in 19 years.

So don't f with Australia, people.

If you mess with us, expect some mild payback in a generation's time.

You're not going to suffer, but you're children's, children's children.

Oh, they're really going to feel it.

Do you think they'll be out of quarantine by then, or do you think that submarines should just be...

I think I know how this whole thing happened.

I think Australia went, we want to take a stand against our own largest trading partner, China, even if it antagonizes them.

And the UK went, wow, we have a load of experience over the last five years in this.

Here's the manual, guys.

You're the best.

You're the best.

It is crazy.

It's like...

Even if we get these submarines, when it comes to military capability between Australia and China,

it's not looking good.

This will bring our total number of submarines to about 18.

China has 79.

Australia has 59 tanks.

China has 3,205.

We have 80,000 people in our military and China has 3.3 million.

Okay?

It's like David and Goliath, except Goliath has 3,200 tanks, and also Goliath is our biggest trading partner.

Like we need him to make the slingshot to send us to take him off.

Maybe that's what the original David Goliath story was.

You want to trade in stones?

Have one.

Look how efficient we are.

I'll see your tiny navy and raise you the Irish Navy.

We have

in total eight boats.

Eight.

I'm not even joking.

One of them is a Lilo.

That's unconfirmed.

We have eight boats for 2,000 miles of coastline.

How unlucky a drug smuggler would you have to be

to be caught by a boat that has to cover 250 miles of coastline?

Google feature section now, birds.

And what's been a terrific few hundred million years for birds have established themselves as amongst the top creatures in the air.

And Tom, as our Australian competitive bird judging competitions correspondent,

nuclear war enthusiast, yes.

It's

been a very exciting week.

The bird of the year has been announced in Australia.

Huge.

This is the Nobel Prize for Birds.

All right, Andy, it's a very big deal.

The Guardian Australia, for some reason, runs an Australian Bird of the Year poll every single year.

It changes every year.

Apparently, Australia is very fickle.

I believe there was a campaign to get the Ibis up there a few years ago.

Okay, the bin chicken.

But for 2021, the poll has been taken out by the superb fairy wren.

Or should I say, f ⁇ ing stolen

in an absolutely controversial move by this little slut of a bird.

Okay, now the superb fairy wren apparently looks beautiful, has a wonderful song that you can listen to and enjoy.

And lots of people while in lockdown have been enjoying seeing the little fairy wren around their backyard.

But apparently, they're quite scandalous.

The male and female mate for life, and it's all wonderful.

That was the previous belief about the superb fairy wren.

But then scientists found out through genetic research that an individual fairy wren's nest can be made up of eggs from multiple different fathers.

Turns out the females, just before dawn, sneak off for what's called a pre-dawn foray and have a little sexy rendezvous with the neighbouring male fairy wren.

Slut birds, Andy.

Dirty slut birds have topped the Australian bird charts.

I, for one, voted for the Tasmanian bespeckled cockgobbler, and it's not a pretty bird.

Sure, it can't sing, and when it lays an egg, it instantly dies, but at least it's not a glossy show-off spreading its minge all over town.

Alright.

But I mean, why do you think it's so difficult, Tom, for these birds to retain their title?

Is it just just that

they get to the top and they think, oh, I've done it now, and they get a bit big-headed and they get distracted by all the media commitments, and they don't focus on the core business of being a bird.

Yeah.

No, it's top of the pole, you're in every paper, you're in bird baths filled with cocaine.

The fame gets to your little bird brain, and obviously if you're a superb fairy wren, then it's orgies all night and day, having a million different baby chicks by a million different fathers, destroying the moral fabric of Australian society.

And no, I mean, this little bitch won't return to the top of the pole next year, no chance.

You're genuinely.

Sorry, I don't know why this is my angle.

They're a delightful little bird, and my mum really loves birds.

And I feel like I've adopted a mask for this segment that's eating away at my face.

I feel it's like the promiscuity of this bird is a mask for something else.

I think you're angry at something else, and we need to delve into it in a longer session.

I'm very lonely.

It's been a long lockdown, okay?

And I'm jealous of this little bird and the amount of cock that it's getting.

But in fairness, it goes out searching for the cock.

But you listen, if you did the same thing, if you got up pre-dawn and went for a cock for it, I mean, and then you didn't get it, then you could be angry.

But you don't put the work in, do you?

That's very true.

I'm a fairy, but I guess not a wren.

A superb fairy wren.

Superb fairy is a a great drag knife, to be fair.

Dude, is it just because

no, that's too bad a pun, even for the bugle, I'm afraid.

Wow.

Yeah.

You finally found a level.

Okay.

They get so big, you know, and you know, they just become social media influencers.

And not necessarily Instagram, but some more

Twitter.

Twitter.

I had to do it.

I had to do it.

I had to do it.

I knew you'd hate it, but I knew he'd like it.

So I had to do it.

I was caught between the two of you, like a rampant

roasted fairy wren.

So the best way to cook them

slowly and basted.

In other bird news moving probably not swiftly enough on scientists have discovered that birds have a mysterious quotes quantum sense.

Now, obviously quantum is one of those words that no one f ⁇ ing understands, leading quantum physicists.

Least of all the James Bond producers.

Leading quantum physicist Professor Rebelita Snarjit

said, No, I've absolutely no fing idea what it is, and I'm a professor.

It's just nonsense, isn't it?

I mean, if you're a scientist and you want to get something published, you just put the word quantum in it, and anyone will run it.

It's a disgrace.

All the things going on in the world, I really didn't think you two lads would be knocked for six

mainly around birds.

Not gas shortages and children starving in schools.

Birds knowing how to get home and the sexual proclivities of a superb fairy wren.

I suppose it's the straw that broke the camel's back, is it?

Yeah, it's been a bit

tough few millennia.

In other bird news, apparently smarter birds such as parrots, monk parakeets and cockatoos can suffer psychological welfare issues if they're not provided with enough mental stimulation.

Less smart birds such as chickens and turkeys have other psychological welfare issues like the prospect of being industrially farmed and the looming prospect of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

But for the clever birds, without cognitive stimulation apparently, they produce repetitive abnormal activities such as biting the bars on their cages and chewing or pulling out their own feathers.

Well, turn it up, Freddy Featherface.

We've all had a tough lockdown.

Let the f ⁇ ing live with it.

You'd have to say, given the turkey shortages this Christmas, being a self-plucking parrot is a very dangerous thing.

Like, if you're about to look at your children and go, I'm so sorry, but you know, we're not going to have a turkey this year, and you look over the shoulder, and there's a five-pound parrot essentially preparing itself for the oven, you're like, never mind.

Like, I can't think of a more dangerous thing for them to do.

Unless budgery gars, when they're stressed, just shove cranberry and stuffing up their own arses.

I don't think there's going to be anything more dangerous for them.

I imagine.

I'm going to be into that.

The superb fairy wren.

Oh, that's kind of sick shit.

That little slut birdie's into.

Wild parrots apparently use

three-quarters of their time foraging for foods.

And that's great stimulation.

So at least that bodes well for the UK school children who will spend most of their time in the forest looking for supplies.

You'll be starving, but they will be very stimulated, Andy.

So you know there's a plus side to these things.

That is good.

And domestic parrots, by contrast, spend less than an hour a day, usually perusing menus on Deliveroo or Uber Eats before just going to seeds again.

Yeah.

Don't eat a parrot, by the way.

I was joking.

If there's a message from this show, they will probably repeat on you.

I don't care whether you like that one.

That's fucking amazing.

That was excellent.

I did like it.

football news now and newcastle united is now officially part of saudi arabia um it has joined the oil-rich uh gulf uh despotic monarchy after a takeover uh from um

clothing tycoon mike ashley um

the fiancé of um the murdered journalist jamal khashogi has said she's uh shocked and sad that the um the saudi-led consortium has been allowed to take over the Premier League football club.

But I mean,

does this not show redemption?

That Saudi Arabia has realised that

in terms of its profile as a franchise, killing dissenting journalists is not that popular, but football is.

Isn't this showing them learning

as a country?

I think we have to make it absolutely clear legally, Andy, that the Saudi state, Batman, is completely different than the public investment fund, Bruce Wayne.

Saudi Arabia, Clark Kent, is not the same as the PAF Superman.

I cannot say this enough.

The Riyadh authorities, Peter Parker, are not the same as the wealth fund, Spider-Man.

This is very important.

Thank you for clarifying that.

Thank you for covering our legal backs.

Yeah.

It could be a lot worse.

In Australia, the South Sydney Rabbitos, the rugby team, are owned by Russell Crowe, who may not have committed as many human rights violations as the state of Saudi Arabia, but he did do the mummy with Tom Cruise.

So, you know, you've got to weigh these things up.

Russell Crowe has to be stimulated, otherwise he'll pluck his own feathers there.

That's very true.

I have read that.

I have heard that, actually.

Not a lot of people know that.

And he once fucked a superb fairy red, I believe.

The only reason this was allowed to go through is because the Premier League apparently received legal assurances that that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will not be involved.

We have to keep an eye on that, don't we?

Like, if the chants start changing, same old Yemen, always cheating, well, then

you're not going home from a certain embassy.

You are going to know that maybe they're involved.

Yes.

But I mean, it's interesting that other Premier League clubs have demanded an emergency meeting on this.

And it's incredible if football suddenly finds its its

moral Rubicon.

Basically,

football clubs have been taken over by an assortment of absolute shysters and

despotic petro-states.

But finally, it's found that the one waffer, the ethical waffer-thin mint that it cannot stomach at the end of the meal.

It's almost like the 19 other Premier League clubs are annoyed that Newcastle is going to have loads of money to spend on players and start competing for prizes.

It's almost like that, but it couldn't be that, Andy, could it?

I don't think it could be that.

But the biggest sovereign wealth fund is Norway.

So why don't other clubs go after No?

Everybody likes Norwegians.

Why don't you go after Norwegians?

I bet the likes of Norwich will go for the Oslo dollar now.

I reckon.

I reckon if next year, like Delia Smith's cookbook, just has 50 recipes for herring,

we know what she's aiming for.

Well,

you can see why Newcastle didn't want to take the Norwegian

dirty kroner after what the Vikings did

in the northeast of England all those years ago.

The first ever recorded raid was in Lindisfarne Monastery, just north of Newcastle, in 793 AD.

And the monks were there, and the Vikings came in, and the monks were like, ooh, no, I love the Vikings.

And it all went downhill from there.

Yeah.

So

the first of many defeats for Newcastle in Europe, European competition.

I don't know how how the second leg went in that.

I don't think the monks did too well away from home, generally.

I always wondered why they were called the magpies, given that they actually haven't seen anything shiny since 1969.

Zing.

They've seen some extremely nice football jokes now.

That seems to be likely ironic.

I'll see your cricket and I'll bring you.

I'll bring you something new to this show.

A Fairs Cup reference.

How do you like that?

A bugle first.

We've had some obscure sporting references, but I don't think the Fairs Cup has ever come up, Neil.

That's what I'm bringing.

Well done.

Well done.

That concludes this week's bugle.

No Rumbalo section.

What?

We're doing a special Zenith Data Systems Cup

hour show next week.

Neil, thanks very much for coming.

It's been delightful to have you on.

Do you have any other podcasts or live shows you'd like to tell our listeners about?

Yeah, I'm doing the SSE Arena in Belfast in February.

So if they could all come to that, that would would be amazing.

Have we go.

Tom,

anything you'd like to alert our listeners to?

You should write a book, Tom.

Yes, keep it out for my book.

It'll be coming out the same time we get those subs, I think, around 2040.

So that'll be good.

My podcast is called Like I'm a Six-Year-Old.

People can listen to that if they so wish.

And if you're in Melbourne, I've got two shows at the Chapel Off-Chapel Theatre which are gonna be filmed, hopefully, if we can make it happen and lockdown's over.

But yeah, you can go to my website to find out the details.

We have a live Bugle show coming up in London at the Odeon in Leicester Square on the 13th of November as part of the Podicon Festival.

It will be probably the Showbiz event of this and any other millennium details online.

We will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to make a one-off or recurring donation to keep the show free, flourishing, and independent.

Go to buglepodcast.com and click the the donate.

David Reinatsson was intrigued by the leak of 12 million documents in the so-called Pandora papers.

However, like any right-thinking person, he could not be bothered to read all 12 million of them.

It would have taken me at an estimated one minute per leak, says David, doing an eight-hour working day with time off for holidays, 100 years to do the lot.

And seriously, I just don't have time for that.

So I decided just to make up a few of my own leaks to save time and be disgusted by them instead.

For example, did you know that former world number 78 tennis player Porsten Grabelnicht of Germany owns a freezer containing enough hot dogs, mustard and buns to last his hometown of Floppenberg up to three months after a global apocalypse?

Honestly, concludes David, these people.

Jim Burtonwood overheard David outlining his Make Up Your Own Leaks philosophy and was very much taken by it.

We all know the basic thrust of these documents, says Jim, that the rich and powerful are, broadly speaking, shitbags.

So why bother with tedious tax evasion gossip when you can just make up stuff that might as well be one of the 12 million actual leaks instead?

I mean, who's going to know?

For example, ex-Liechtenstinian Minister for Fishing Florian Herg sold the inside 70% of an ALP to the Saudi Arabian royal family, and when they voted in a meeting to relocate the mountain to their home country, Herg started a secret personal mine and would send a bucket of mountain innards to Saudi Arabia every week.

See, it's just as reprehensible, but far more entertaining, concludes Jim.

Catherine Clark is absolutely all all over this by now.

Listen up, I've heard that the CEO of the Greek finance house Creaser Bank, Stalaktitis Trogloditu, invested 1.3 trillion crypto drachmas of investors' money in a project to cross-breed a horse, with an eagle, with a kangaroo, to create the ultimate form of green transport, says Catherine, before adding, but for me, the big unreported news must be that Louis XIV of France is still alive.

He's domiciled in Panama, and he hasn't paid a single penny of tax anywhere since 1716, the year after he allegedly died.

Leah Trueblood has come to the conclusion that these leaks are of no interest to anyone in their current indigestible form.

They need to be presented more entertainingly for people to take an interest, like a game of match the shyster to the shysterous activity.

I'll give you these three to start with.

A.

Ex-Prime Minister David Cameron, B.

Actor John Voigt and C.

Cheating cyclist Lance Armstrong.

Match them up with A.

Stole the back half of a pantomime horse costume from a theatre just to spoil a Christmas treat for for hundreds of children, B invested £10 million in a company that was developing a racist toaster, and C hides all his money in an endangered hippopotamus under the cover of running a hippoconservation charity.

I'm telling you, if you present things like the Pandora Papers like a game show, you'll have the full, undivided attention of the entire world.

Nicole Yare, by contrast, has not even heard of the Pandora Papers, but has been doing her own research into what the hyper-wealthy get up to.

I've surveyed in excess of 15 people, says Nicole, and extrapolating my findings, it does seem that, if public opinion is to be trusted, 99.94% of the world's tropical islands are now owned by billionaires who spend 57.78% of their time cackling at their Machiavellian schemes to take over the world, although in actual fact, only 16.43% of those billionaires do actually intend to take over the world.

For which, says Nicole, I think we should be extremely thankful.

Here endeth this week's Lies.

Goodbye.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.