The Future Is The Past (4198)

The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to issue 4198 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world.

It's Friday the 25th of June 2021 and I am Andy Zoltzmann here in the shed of everlasting Veracity in South London, just a couple of miles away from a room of absolutely no veracity whatsoever, from where I'm joined by Nish Kumar.

Hello, Nish.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Buglers.

Andy, do you want to break the news to the Buglers or shall I?

What?

Zoltzman is hanging out of his ass.

The man.

You're going to have to slightly explain that to me.

The man is...

No, I refuse to explain that to Americans.

You could Google it.

Andy Zaltz.

It's not really a term that I'm familiar with, to be honest.

Andy Saltzman is incredibly hungover.

Joining us from

across the pond,

no doubt with a vaccination status update as well, it's Josh Gondelman.

Hello, it's so nice to be here.

I've been fully vaccinated for a little over a month, and so it's just been non-stop hedonism in the Gondelman household.

Just going into pizzerias

in person to pick up my pizza,

cautiously seeing one to three friends at a time.

Just the world is my oyster, and the oyster is still kind of closed.

Thank God you can get back to your real hobby, Josh, of licking your post.

It has been too long since you've been deprived of that basic human right.

Oh, it's incredible.

It's a rash.

I'm a glow.

Right, we are recording on the 25th of June, so it's a happy 118th birthday to George Orwell, old Stevie surveillance state himself,

the renowned overestimator of the organizational capabilities of pigs, briefly runner of the least profitable agricultural establishment in history, and most famous, of course, for his hilarious comic high school slasher novel about an American under 17's rowing eight and their cocks who drank a magic potion on their transatlantic flight to compete in Europe to improve their rowing.

But it had unexpected side effects and they ended up devouring Terminal 4 at Heathrow Airport when they landed.

A classic of its type, 19's 8T4.

And

how are you able to do this, hungover?

Tomorrow is the 26th of June, and interestingly, nothing happened on the 26th of June between the years 1597 and 1718, according to Wikipedia.

And such was the lack of anything significant happening on the 26th of June during the 17th century that radical calendarists advocated removing the day from the calendar entirely in favour of either the 32nd of September or, more controversially, the 4th of January in an effort to curb New Year excesses.

The disagreements over the future of the 26th of June understandably tore Europe apart, as of course did basically everything in those days, leading to the Fifth Bavario-Castilian War from 1693 to 96, which was only voted the eighth stupidest war of the 17th century by a panel of voters convened by the University of Leghorn in 1700, losing out to, amongst other conflicts, the War of Oswald's Testicle, the Harpsichord War, and the War of the Inviolable Pumpkin.

In the end, it was agreed to keep the 26th of June, but only at the cost of the 29th and 30th of February, after theologians concluded God got bored in the winter and had run out of steam by mid to late June, leading to the lack of events on the 26th.

It didn't have the desired results, however, at least not for a long time.

Only three things happened on the 26th of June over the rest of the 18th century, according to Wikipedia, and seven things in the whole of the 19th century, which was quite an action-packed century by the standards of the time before things belatedly picked up in the 20th century.

But a bit of concern: there hasn't been an event on the 26th of June since 2015, according to Wikipedia.

As if the world needs more old conflicts dug up again.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week's celebrity pugilism.

We have a full celebrity fighting pull-out supplement.

Obviously,

it's kind of media hit of the millennium so far.

Celebrities fighting professional pugilists.

Nish, have you got, have you got any fights booked in?

Yeah, I'm in a constant rolling fight with Whitey.

Anyway, after the recent sensational face pummeling dished out by the renowned boxing expert and shithead Floyd Mayweather to professional performative f ⁇ wit Logan Paul, the world is tender hanging on its tender hooks to find out which celebrity is going to be next to volunteer to have their mushes moshed for the pseudo-entertainment of the easily distracted.

And we are just hearing,

well, it is very exciting, this fight has just been confirmed, George Foreman against David Attenborough,

which could be an absolute classic.

Attenborough, of course, will have picked up some tips from all those animals he's been goading to eat each other for his entire TV career.

I look forward to him dancing into the ring saying, I'm a beetle, I'm a beetle.

But will it be enough to see off the former world heavyweight champion and his collection of combat grills?

But also, there's coming up the renowned Megatool and YouTube ster PewDiePie, that name actually, of course, for pious Diogenes Pythagoras.

He's taking on an M1 Abrams battle tank, kindly lent by the US military.

Whilst any available Hemsworth is going to go up against Brenda the Boa constrictor from the Mid-Dakota Reptile Sanctuary.

She's undefeated in 65, of course.

But Argiva hasn't faced a beefcake of the dimensions of a Hemsworth before.

And just hearing that Rock v.

Rock is on, it's Dwayne the Rock Johnson versus a two-ton cube of Carrara marble.

The

Dwayne the Rock Johnson surely has the advantage in having won the toss and getting first go, but if he doesn't use those industrial drills to good effect, you can't help thinking he could struggle when the platform comes into use.

That section in the bin.

Top story this week: America is being invaded by aliens.

That could be the conclusion of a Pentagon report

into

UFOs.

Josh, as our American alien life correspondent,

bring us up to date with exactly how deeply the aliens are already embedded into American society and politics and how much time we all have left before they kill us all.

Yeah, this is a big story.

The Pentagon has an unclassified report about UFO sightings, which is terrifying, but not because of the potential for extraterrestrials.

I'm more scared of what is the U.S.

military doing in the sky where the easiest explanation for people to accept is aliens.

Like, we can't let the public know we're using a proton beam to tear a hole in the fabric of space-time and it looks like a floating orb.

Let's just say maybe E.T.

is real.

So

there haven't been any confirmed extraterrestrial sightings.

There are a few that are unconfirmed, like that are truly unidentified flying objects.

So there is the potential that they are extraterrestrials.

But the Department of Defense hasn't ruled out going to war with space on the premise aliens might exist and could possibly have space-age death rays of mass destruction.

So the officials have examined over 120 incidents from the past two decades, including three videos that were declassified last year and described as showing unexplained aerial phenomena.

And they seem to have investigated these, Josh, with slightly more enthusiasm and urgency than, for example, the Pentagon riots of the 6th of January.

Tell us about the priorities of America as a nation in 2021.

I mean, I think it's certainly like

we don't have a problem with

Caucasian domestic destruction.

If space creatures want to come here and destroy us with lasers, that we've got to look into.

But look, when the call is coming from inside the house, America will answer happily and invite the caller inside.

Or I guess invite them to continue staying inside.

Who cares about CDD when you've got UFOs?

In other American news, the Democrats' attempt to rewrite election and voting law is blocked by a Republican filly buster.

The bill known as the For the People Act would touch on virtually every aspect of how elections are conducted, removing obstacles to voting that disproportionately affect people of colour, reducing and controlling the influence of big money and politics, and limiting partisan influence over the drawing of congressional districts.

Now, obviously, Josh, these all seem like,

well, let's put it in layman's terms, fing obvious things to do

if you're a democracy fan.

And democracy does still have quite a lot of fans, despite its piss-poor form over recent times, but fans are loyal in sport.

But the Republicans, I mean, it's a results business, isn't it?

And

they're clinging on to

these tools in their

repugnant golf bag.

That's true.

Politics is based on results, and the Republicans are doing an amazing job at ensuring no results from this legislation.

The Senate Republicans didn't just oppose the bill, right?

That's one thing if they just voted against it, but they, as you said, they filibustered to block debate on it, which means they hate voting so much they refuse to even do it themselves in solidarity with the people of color whose votes they were suppressing.

From the Grand Old Party, this counts as a refreshing bit of ideological consistency.

They're not voting, we're not voting.

That is a slogan that has to be.

I mean, we talk a lot about American democracy

on the bugle, and, you know, clearly all democratic systems have their, shall we say, inbuilt flaws.

But if you were designing a system from scratch now, and you suggested all the things that are in place that the bill is trying to remove, you would be taken to somewhere quiet and told to spend thirty years alone with yourself until you've come to your senses, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I think some of these conventions of democracy, like, the people who like them

cling to them as, like, this is how it's done.

This is the process, we have to have rules.

And the people who don't like them, I think, rightfully say,

these were implemented 250 years ago by people who had never operated a light switch.

So maybe it's okay to rethink them.

It does feel a bit like being a democracy fan in 2021 is a bit like being a Manchester United fan in 2021, in that you're largely existing on the memory of previous glories, and all your possible hopes are being hollowed out by some very, very rich Americans.

It's the.

Yeah, I guess the difference with Man United is at least they've won some things within the last, what, two and a half thousand years.

Kabla Harris, who is leading the White House's voting rights push, said to reporters that it is clear, certainly for the American people, that when we talk about the right to vote, it is not a Republican concern or a Democratic concern.

It is an American concern.

Now, here is the problem with that.

It absolutely is a Republican concern if people are going to vote.

Given that their next election slogan is going to have to be vote for us in order to die of disease and/or gun violence, the literal last thing that they need is for more Americans to vote.

Of course, this is a group of people, this is a deranged cult of white supremacists and conspiracy theorists.

Of course, they haven't accepted the election results.

They have still not accepted the results of the Civil War.

They are still

hoping that that gets re-litigated.

These are people who watched Lincoln like it was nightmare on Elm Street.

It's now just feeling like the idea of democracy is being mocked, right?

Like Democratic Senator Kirsten Sinema has rejected the calls to eliminate the filibuster, which would allow Democrats to pass more legislation with a simple majority, winning a vote, rather than the 60-vote threshold that's in place.

And even the phrase simple majority sounds like we're being mocked, right?

Like, oh, come on, you idiot, you can't even pass legislation with a simple majority?

What kind of democracy is this, dumb nuts?

The Republicans' argument against the acts, Josh, is that essentially, it seems to me that they say it represents federal infringement on states' authority and the state's right to conduct their own elections without fraud, or more accurately, with the level and type of fraud that they like to conduct their elections with.

I mean, is that something that we should just let them get on?

You know, if they want to be fraudulent, surely that's their own democratic choice to undermine their own democracy, isn't it?

I mean, it just

the level of hypocrisy to be like, a woman has no right to govern her own physical body, but we can take any liberties with the electoral body that we want.

It's just like truly horrifying.

And that sums up so much of Republican philosophy.

Well, I mean, when you talk about the hypocrisy, we had Mitch McConnell called the bill a solution looking for a problem.

Ted Cruz

dismissed it as partisan legislation written by elected Democrats designed to keep elected Democrats in office.

I think that rates a full 2.1 Chernobyl's on the hypocrisy side of the county.

New York Josh, where you live, is having its mayoral election.

And former mayor Rudy Giuliani just this week had his law license suspended for, quotes, being a massive

ages.

So what's happening in the race to follow in his

glorious footsteps?

So we had our mayoral primary election, which is basically the election

because the Republican candidate won't win.

And now that I've said that, I've certainly conjured a victory into existence for him.

But

it's our first step towards sending our current mayor, six and a half foot tall stack of blank paper, Bill de Blasio, off to be ineffectual at things as a civilian, like he's going to fail at changing light bulbs and helping old ladies to get cereal down from high shelves at the grocery store.

The city this year implemented ranked choice voting, which means that people can include up to five candidates on their ballot in order of preference, so that conceivably

you can vote your conscience and vote pragmatically.

And this kind of ballot really feeds into New Yorkers' favorite pastime, having incredibly detailed opinions about things that don't matter to people anywhere else in the world.

As an outsider to this, it was interesting looking at the various candidates.

I thought that Maya Wiley had an interesting platform of investing in public housing and increasing funding for education and homelessness.

But depressingly, it looks like she's going to be edged out.

And maybe the mistake Maya Wiley made was to not grasp the only thing people want to know about from a New York mayor.

What are their policies towards the Ghostbusters?

Are they

pro or anti?

Where do they stand on the ninja turtles?

Heroes in a half shell or sewer-based menace?

We need to have the answers to these questions.

I truly think you could get elected mayor of New York City by being like, I hate when people do crime and having like a good bagel order that you get.

That like truly is enough.

Cheerleading news now and

at last.

Well yes, I mean it's a topic that's not been covered, that's been remiss of us actually on this August audio newspaper.

Huge news in cheerleading, an 18-year-old cheerleader who has won the right

to say softball at the age of 14,

which is obviously enshrined in the,

I believe it's actually woven into the underpants of the Statue of Liberty as well.

But

it's

cheerleading, obviously.

It's arguably the most American thing.

It's a very demanding gymnastic discipline, as well as being gender-stereotyping monthly magazines, sport of the millennium, six millennia

in a row now.

So just again, just fill us in on this

story a bit.

So this cheerleading story went all the way to the Supreme Court.

A cheerleader in Pennsylvania was suspended for a year because she made the junior varsity squad as opposed to varsity.

And she posted on Snapchat, f school, softball, cheer, everything,

which rules.

Although it is sad that kids these days are so dependent on their phones that they didn't even know that they don't even realize that's the kind of thing you can just scrawl in the back of your notebook forever.

Visit consequence of you.

It's just too online.

I really,

truly love this story.

We do so many stories here that make me feel despair and anxiety for the future.

And this is like the even a Republican-dominated Supreme Court.

They ruled eight to one

in the favor of this young woman.

And I can't wait to see how this is perverted, this ruling is perverted and twisted to destroy the nation in the future.

Because thanks to Mitch McConnell, the court is full of Republican ideologues who make rulings like teachers can't talk about Palestinian liberation, but bullets are free speech.

Or

when employees unionize, that is the same thing as enslaving their bosses.

Cheerleading, unfortunately, would never take off in the United Kingdom because I can only imagine a group of British people being confronted by somebody with a lot of vim and vigour shouting, give me an A, and just all responding, no.

Moving on to UK news now.

Well, excitement, Nish, with the health secretary, Matt Hancock, who recently it was revealed that Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister, had described him as totally fing useless.

And it turns out that Hancock has responded by saying, you got the first two-thirds of that right, Prime Minister.

I am absolutely on it.

Put a mask on this, ladies, but onka donk.

You are our cabinet minister's big naughty correspondent, Nish.

This has obviously been a very busy day for you, keeping up with the latest.

Yes, and what I would say is

brace yourselves for this because

I would say that my writing process for today's bugle has been fairly comprehensively derailed.

Because this morning, as Andy has alluded to, the health secretary Matt Hancock, the man who puts the Matt Hancock into the phrase, another catastrophic error by Matt Hancock, has become embroiled in a sex scandal.

The Sun newspaper obtained a photo from inside the Department of Health of Hancock sucking face with one of his aides, like teenagers, apparently.

To be completely honest, I wouldn't know because when I was a teenager, I was too busy nailing my A-levels to bother with things like kissing or fun.

Hancock now joins the Hall of Fame of politicians called Shagging, who also have penile names.

The champion is, of course, former New York mayoral candidate Anthony Wiener.

I suspect he will remain undisputed in that status, unless it turns out there's a French politician called Claude Pinishull or a Russian bloke called Dimitri Ballbag.

And listen, I am not here to moralise about people's sex lives, but the optics are sub-par because Hancock, as health secretary, the person who has been responsible for our COVID response, has presided of a death toll of 128,000 people, at least 128,000 people.

So the question we now have to ask is, is Matt Hancock sexually aroused by old people dying?

I don't know.

I'm just asking the questions.

The real story here is not that Matt Hancock, a man who seems to have had his capacity for charisma surgically removed and also looks like a child's drawing of an adult that's been brought to life by a witch's curse has had sex.

Neither is the story that having seen the pictures of the woman involved and his wife, Hancock is punching like P.

Kira Muhammad Ali.

The story is that firstly, these pictures were taken before the guidelines were changed and the government was still encouraging social distancing from people outside your household.

Right now, when the scientist Neil Ferguson broke lockdown rules to do some sweet banging, Hancock said he welcomed his resignation.

Secondly, the identity of the woman involved is incredibly important.

Her name is Gila Kolodangelo and she's Matt Hancock's friend from university who he made an unpaid advisor who was then given a £15,000 a year role on the board of the Department of Health.

She is also a director at Luther Pendragon, a lobbying firm who claimed to offer clients a deep understanding of the mechanics of government.

Some of the firm's clients have received millions of pounds in government money during the COVID-19 app.

This, coupled with the story about Hancock's former neighbor winning a contract to produce medical supplies despite having no previous experience in the area and a judge ruling that Matt Hancock acted unlawfully by failing to publish details of contracts awarded to companies that provided protective equipment is what makes this story so spicy.

Basically, in one fell swoop, Matt Hancock has ruined sex and corruption.

And

the thing is, last November, the Times, when he actually hired this lady, the Times newspaper in London actually tried to break the story last November because

it feels like a very, very blatant conflict of public interest.

But it was met with widespread public disinterest.

But now that in the photos, Hancock is, to be frank, grabbing her ass like it's hella full of vaccines.

People are really starting to pay attention.

And the Prime Minister has said that he accepted Matt Hancock's apology and considers the matter closed.

Of course, Boris Johnson is not going to sack a man amidst allegations of corruption stemming from an extramarital affair because that would be like me sacking someone for being both brown and niche.

And

Hancock has presided over one of the worst death rates in the world.

He should have been sacked over protective equipment shortages.

He should have been sacked over his handling of care homes where untested elderly people were sent to spread the disease and killed thousands of people.

And the idea that he might be sacked for an extramarital affair feels a bit like getting Al Capone on tax evasion.

But what I would say is that to be quite frank with you, he showed no inclination to resign.

The government has shown no inclination to sack him Because when it comes to this Conservative government, Al Capone has got nothing on this pack of crooked cs.

Yes, well, I mean, it's sort of a kind of straw that breaks the camel's back situation, isn't it?

And you cannot break a camel's back if the camel's vertebrae are basically just sawdust already.

Yeah, in this case, they're just blowing out the camel's back, right?

I do like the way that camel.

The term

he acknowledged that he breached the social distancing guidelines, which is

COVID brought many, many unexpected benefits to the world and new euphemisms for doing the deed

right up there.

I thought Hancock should have started out and been like, yes, I did, Shanker, and no, I didn't breach the guidelines.

That's right.

I've got a two-metre ding-dong.

Labour's analyst Dodd said Hancock's position was hopelessly untenable, which is sadly no longer a factor in whether or not someone should retain this position.

Politics 2021, Annalise, get with the Times.

Hancock has asked for privacy on the quotes, this personal matter.

And I guess being openly hypocritical whilst in public office is indeed a personal private matter these days.

You know, it's nothing to do with anything else.

And what did you say?

Boris Johnson can't fire him because if he starts firing people for contraband smooching, dereliction of duty and premium grade hypocrisy, he's going to end up not only just firing himself, but imprisoning himself in the Tower tower of london ceremonially lobby the quay in the thames and then and berlinning the shit out of himself

sport news now and well obviously only one place to start in sport this week the match everyone is talking about a fascinating clash of styles and cultures a showdown for the ages soon to take place in london this year are you excited i'm very excited but i would like to get you to actually say what it is because i have a feeling you're leading me in a trap.

Right.

It's the Harlequins versus Army.

There we go.

You know what?

Fool me once by getting me to care about rugby.

Shame on me.

Yep.

Yep.

Quinns back in the first final since 2012, which we covered exclusively on the Bugle

when they won.

It was the only place they covered it.

No one else.

We had exclusive once.

Back in the final.

Yes.

Yes, it was.

I mean,

it's very exciting.

They were an incredible run to the playoffs, featuring back-to-back wins in the last play of matches when they'd had a player sent off.

This after beginning the season, playing like a wheelbarrow full of forgotten haddock.

Then the head coach left.

They remember that sport doesn't have to be about the remorseless eradication of hope and joy, despite what the England football team and indeed rugby team, and indeed quite often the cricket team might try and tell you.

And since then, they've played almost surreally brilliant, high-risk attacking rugby, so spectacular that it's even been possible to watch their games without constantly thinking about the moral rights and wrongs of watching people suffer long-term cranial trauma for your own entertainment.

It's been that good, Nish.

That good.

Semi-final last weekend, 28-0 down to Bristol, which, to put it in a context, our American listeners might find it easier to comprehend.

It's a bit like being in an NFL game and being...

28-0 down.

And they came back to win in extra time.

It's possible the best thing that's happened in the world in the past 18 months.

Andy,

if I may return to my catchphrase from when I was 14 years old, no one gives a f about rugby.

No one gives a f about it.

I thought this was maybe me just being having an American perspective, but I'm glad to know that

the perspective of not giving a fk about rugby is roundly represented on this podcast.

And it's kind of Andy versus the world.

Now, cricket is getting increasingly more popular.

Saltzwood has had to abandon it for increasingly obscure sports.

It's like a kind of a system of athletic relativism.

Cricket's popularity is growing.

I've not abandoned cricket in this year.

If anything, I've been doubling down on it.

Literally professional level.

There's also a football game going on on Tuesday.

Nish

England, Germany.

It's the big one.

The big one.

I mean, in terms of, you know, being a...

Being a newspaper football reporter, this is what you dream of, isn't it?

The chance to be,

I mean, incredibly infantile about an England-Germany clash?

Yeah, this is a great chance to lose all perspective about everything

and to immediately equate a what is basically glorified tiddlywings

and to compare that to a world war, which I was 11 years old in 1996 when England played Germany in the European Championships that happened in Wembley, a fixture, and I think in a venue that is going to be a full repeated on Tuesday.

And, you know, people just used it as a lovely excuse for some just broad racism against Germans in the newspapers.

So, I mean, I guess we're in for a sort of exciting 48 hours.

Yes, and then the game will happen and it will be unbelievably broad.

England so far have had a 1-0 win, 0-0 draw, and another 1-0 win.

They've had in three games, so what's that?

200,

4.5 hours of football, they've managed to kick the ball ball accurately at the goal six times and get it in the goal twice yeah whilst not letting their opponents kick it in the goal I mean it's I mean I know the world the world is you know it's it's it's I mean highly strung and needs to calm down a bit but is this the right way to do it to present sporting Mogadon to to the planet any form of England football team I do think I know the object is to win but maybe they should let the other team kick it in the goal sometimes just to keep people watching or get better at kicking it in the goal yourselves.

That's the two choices.

Wow, wow, Josh, for, you know, for somebody who said that they didn't understand football, you appear to have achieved the level of about 90% of people employed by British broadcasters to talk about football.

I think actually we should kick it in the goal more often.

Congratulations, you will be presenting the halftime coverage.

Well, I grew up around Boston, which is like the world mecca for obvious cantankerous sports coverage.

On my sports coverage I was involved in yesterday,

a rare outing on the television doing statistics for BBC's cricket coverage.

Someone sent me a screenshot.

So because of COVID regulations, I can't be in the commentary box.

I'm in a production truck.

outside the van and they call it the the stats cave and someone sent me a screenshot of the uh the subtitles that had, and now it's over to Andy in the stud cave.

And I thought, yes.

Andy's ultimate in the stud cave.

This is what my career has been leading to.

This is the West David indictment of cricket.

Cricket as a sport is so boring.

Andy is a stud.

Well, it's better than the alternative, which is Andy built the stud cave after dedicating his life to becoming stud man after viewing his parents tragically murdered by studs.

andy you're the magic mic of cricket

um that brings us to the end of this week's bugle uh thank you very much uh for listening i'm feeling um slightly recuperated after that um

uh josh any uh other shows you'd like to alert our listeners to oh my gosh i'm i'm doing some stand-up agains you can find out about i know you can find out about that at joshgondelman.com.

I have a podcast called Make My Day, and Deesus and Merrow on Showtime and Hulu is back.

We took a few weeks off, and we're back on television.

And I work there, not just a fan.

Because people are like, you really seem to like those guys.

Oh, no, no, I'm employed.

And they do really like them, but also I work there.

I have two comedy albums available called It's In Your Nature to Destroy Yourselves parts one and two and I have also got a tour on sale for the United Kingdom and you can find out all about that at nichekumar.co.uk

I uh there's a live bugle on the 7th of September in in London.

I did mention previously that I might be touring the UK in November.

That is now up in the air

due to

potential other things.

So

I'll keep you updated.

I'll keep you updated.

updated at some point

there's a link there's a link yeah just click just click a link and and see what happens

anyway we'll see we'll see every everyone on the 7th of September in an

upturned purple cow in London until next time thank you very much for listening we will now play you out with some lies about our premium level voluntary subscribers to join them and make a one-off or occurring contribution to keep the show free flourishing and independent go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button and buy various bits of merch as well.

Seth Wilson managed to get a surprisingly long way in science without noticing that there is no letter R in the term ionic bonding.

I'd always assumed it was an ironic bonding between atoms that were getting together in a kind of sarcastic, we don't really want to bond, but we're doing it anyway kind of way.

No one ever corrected me and nothing that major has ever gone wrong, so it just goes to show it doesn't really matter why atoms bond, as long as they get the job done, concludes Seth.

Julian Martin wishes ghosts would just leave it out, frankly.

I don't like telling people how to live their lives, says Julian, but I'm prepared to tell ghosts how to live their deaths, and my advice to them would be just let it go.

Seriously, you're not making yourselves happy, you're not making anyone in the living realm happy, move on, find some new hobbies, or at least do something constantly constructive, like taking some dead ghost dogs for a walk.

Ben Amos finds his enjoyment of of historical films significantly impacted by pondering over the sheer logistical challenges of basic existence in times gone by.

I can't take these films seriously, complains Ben.

It looks like everyone would have spent their entire lives desperately trying to survive, taking ages to get anywhere and ages to do anything.

So as soon as the plot gets much more complicated than person eats cabbage, I tune out and think, this is a bit far-fetched.

Boton Sipos, apologies if there's any mispronunciation, has many time travel fantasies, foremost amongst which are arriving at the murder of of Julius Caesar wearing full ice hockey kit, depositing hip-hop star Eminem in the year 1215 in England just as the Magna Carta was about to be signed to see what happened and whether any of his lyrics made it into the famous constitutional document, and opening up a skateboard shop in Jerusalem in 500 BC.

And finally, for his part, if Ashley Templeton had access to a time machine, he would just zip round pretty much every era of human life, wind down the window when he got there, pop his head out and say, what are you guys wearing?

before zipping off again.

I mean, seriously, says Ashley, how come it took us so long as a species to learn how to dress?

I mean, I know we're not ourselves flawless, that will come in about a thousand years' time by my calculations, but roughs, for example, and the 18th-century wig, come on.

Ashley adds that he has no problem with the toga, which he describes as a quality effort.

Here endeth this week's lies.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.