Randy Economy

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and it gives me great pleasure for the first time in four years to welcome you not just to the Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world, but also to a visual world in which the de facto leader of the freebit of that digital world is not a cast iron sociopath with a fundamentalist commitment to the untrue.

It's the beginning of the rest of time, people, if we may exaggerate very slightly.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann reporting to you live from the shed in south London, where I have been stationed at 4am for nine of the last 12 days for the BBC cricket coverage.

So please bear in mind that there is a considerably better than zero chance that I will A, fall asleep, B, start reciting cricket statistics, or C, hallucinate that I'm being attacked by nocturnal pigeons, or D, do all three of those things things before waking up shouting, I just had this terrible nightmare that American democracy had committed ritual suicide.

And joining me from a country no longer be presidented by all-time all-American being-impeached champion, Donald J.

Trump, it's NATO Green.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

It's so great to be with you in this era.

You know,

what you're getting up and reciting cricket stats at four in the morning is a form of torture under the Geneva Convention.

They

used it to crack prisoners in Guantanamo.

Right.

Well,

if that's what Guantanamo is like, then book me in.

Book me in.

Get me the Dutch national one day kit and book me in.

And also joining us from up the road here in Londonium, it's Nish Kumar.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, NATO.

Hello, Buglers.

Andy, I would absolutely love to castigate you for choosing to spend spend your time in this manner.

Unfortunately,

last Monday, I stayed up all night watching the final day of the India Australia Test match in Brisbane.

And,

you know, I stayed up the whole night.

It was an amazing result.

But it really makes you think about how you're spending your time when you're turning into bed at 8am.

having spent the night watching cricket.

And what's worse about that is, Andy, you are getting paid to do that.

That is a job.

I stayed up all night watching cricket pro bono.

But let me tell you, by the end, I did sustain quite a substantial bono because there is

almost nothing more sexual than watching Australian loser cricket to me.

That is how I get my jollies.

Isn't that what the movie Eyes Wide Shut is about?

Yeah, in 50 Shades of Grey, when he says his tastes are somewhat unusual, that's what he's referring to.

He's referring to watching Australia lose at cricket.

In Eyes Wise Shut, actually,

a little reference to cricket, the

part of

Tom Cruise's friend is played by Colin Dredge, the former Somerset medium-paced player.

But

that test match in Australia, Nish, the India Australia.

I mean, that showed everything that is great about cricket.

That was like an evolving month-long novel that ended up with Australia losing at cricket.

So, I mean, it was, you know,

it was a cross between

that would not be improved by it ending with Australia losing at cricket.

War and peace, and Australia losing at cricket.

Crime and punishment for Australia because they lost at cricket.

These are all improvements.

I feel like whenever I'm on, I have to ask an incredibly stupid and basic question about cricket.

That's fine.

Yep.

I just thought of your induction.

So I only hear you talk about cricket test matches,

which, to my American ears, sounds a lot like when they ask you to pre-board the plane.

Right.

So do you ever graduate to the real match, or is it all pre-boards?

No, no, no.

In this case, NATO, the word test is not used in its meaning of a trial run.

It's used as in the same context as test your patience.

Yeah, well, it's a trial run, more like a trial in court.

It can last for days and often end up with no decisive result.

So it's, you know, it's,

well, we've talked about it enough on this show over the years, but it is a five-day release from reality.

And, God, we all need that at the moment.

This is Bugle issue 4181.

Coincidentally, the number of computer simulations of the life of Rudolf Giuliani needed to come up with a version that has gone shitter than the real one over the past 10 years.

We are recording on the 25th of January 2021, meaning it is exactly 2,000 years since Jesus Christ got back from an extended month-long 21st birthday celebration in Magalufa, Nibitha, according to the recently published addendum to the gospel, according to St.

Alvin.

The birthday chants included the miracle of the tequila slammer, the parable of the peanuts and the shot glass, and the invention of dance music, when Jesus managed to turn two three-minute songs into a five-hour trance house marathon.

It's also 150 years since the 25th of January 1871, when Elvis Presley faked his own birth, beginning a long tradition of faking his entry and exit into the living realm.

No one noticed at the time, and the King of Rock and Roll quietly waited until 1935 before a second, more successful effort to fake his own birth.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, gardening, we look at the latest trends in wireless plants, 3D shrubs, and vegan mud involving no worms, grubs, insects, or bacteria.

We ask shovel or hand grenade how to choose which garden implement to re-landscape your plot.

And are dandelions, triffids, an investigative feature examining whether if you leave dandelions to grow uncut for more than 20 years, they eventually turn into the fictitious, mobile, carnivorous plants that cause such havoc in John Wyndham's novel, The Day of the Triffids.

We also review the new album by the Hardy Perennials, a band who use only repeatedly flowering plants as instruments, and write songs about window boxes using the words of novel writing celebrity Thomas Hardy.

Also in the bin, we have a film promo,

a well there's a forthcoming tech reboot of a 1980s action movie, Hologrambo.

And we give you now a free audio hologram of Sylvester Stallone.

There we are.

There he was asleep.

Those sections in the bin.

Top story this week.

Joe Biden launches an ambitious bid for the most ridiculous retirement project ever undertaken by a 78-year-old man.

It's

well, exciting times, NATO.

Joe Biden, president number 46, counting the two Grover Clevelands.

Now,

I made a joke on the news quiz last week about how Biden had become the 45th adult to be president of the United States.

And someone on Twitter pointed out that there have actually only been 45 different presidents because Grover Cleveland served twice.

But actually, as all Americans know, the second of those two Grover Cleveland terms was served by a Grover Cleveland impersonator.

So the joke stands.

Who was also a baby, if history serves.

Who was indeed a baby?

I mean, this is a big thing to take on for a man of Biden's age.

I remember when my granddad retired, he disappeared into his loft saying, I may be some time.

And he emerged six years later, having invented the macarena, speaking fluent Sumerian, and brandishing a giant mechanical terrapin with the words, don't ask.

How do you think Biden is

going to take this on at 78?

Well, I mean, the thing, Andy, about where we are in

the American story is that the bar could not possibly be set lower

at the moment for what Biden needs to do.

So,

you know,

it's like it's been almost a week since the inauguration without any reporter having to utter the words in a flurry of 5 a.m.

tweets laughing out at enemies.

So,

you know,

we're already out ahead.

And I have to say, watching the inauguration last week, Andy, you're about the same age as I am.

And I realized that I had watching the inauguration happen, that I had a deep-seated visceral lizard brain PTSD that I did not know that I had, which was of the Challenger exploding.

So I was

on live television, which I was in elementary school at the time, and I watched the Challenger explode on live live television.

I spent the entire day watching the inauguration being afraid that some school teacher was about to die in a ball of fire.

And then

realizing that that was not happening was a huge relief.

You know how, like, sometimes you're in a place and there's an annoying noise, and you're like, wow, that's an annoying noise.

And then the annoying noise stops and you realize that you've had a headache for four years

and then it stopped.

Like, it's just it's so weird to be an American right now.

People are walking around just calling each other, being like, I'm not terrified for Tucson

for a few minutes.

What does it feel like?

You know, it's Biden went on the news and said, We're in a national emergency, and it's time we treated it like one.

And when he said national emergency, he wasn't referring to reporters asking questions or the biggest, the biggest infectious outbreak was women having ideas.

So,

yes, you know, I hate all politicians.

Biden is shit.

I already hate him.

I'm gonna,

you know, the,

you know, Biden has done some good stuff this week, but, like, also, why are there still prisons?

F him, you know what I mean?

But when I think back on the last four years, like, on this day, 2017, I was protesting.

On this day, 2018, I was living in Cuba.

We didn't talk about that.

On this day, 2019,

I was protesting.

On this day, 2020, I was protesting.

On this day, 2021, just went for a walk.

It's very weird.

Like,

at the moment, I'm savoring it.

Like, one of the executive orders, let me just read you the text, directs the Department of Education and Health and Human Services to provide guidance for safely reopening and operating schools, child care providers, and institutions of higher education.

It's exciting.

It's so exciting.

It feels like: imagine that at the end of Avengers Endgame, there was a 30-minute scene of Bruce Banner quietly collating paperwork, and it was the most exciting part of the movie.

Nish, I mean, the OMEN's are good as the 46th president, of course, because England's 46th cricket captain, Len Hutton, was one of the most successful England captains of all time.

So, I mean, it does look auspicious for Biden.

I've been slightly disappointed so far that he hasn't already started chiseling away at Mount Rushmore, not only with his own face, but also with the faces of the first 44 presidents, excluding the four who are already there, and two Grover Clevelands,

just for the sake of having a giant rushmore with all of them, apart from the recently departed Mr Trump.

Well, listen, I think Biden's address was ultimately a total f ⁇ ing failure because he did not have the guts to do what he should have done, which is open the address by saying, well, that was fing weird.

I mean,

I mean, that's a subtext to people.

Oh my god, it was weird.

He's such a weird guy, and he was so weird.

And the things he said were weird, and the things he did were weird.

It was a, you know, it was, like NATO, I was watching it being like, oof, what is going to happen?

Because no offense to anyone on this call, I have no confidence in white people.

And so

I have no idea what one of these white al-Qaeda dickheads was going to try.

Luckily, the biggest story appeared to be Bernie Sanders being sat down in a coat, which is a real, like, that's a real win for everybody that that was the biggest thing everyone was taking away.

The biggest scandal appeared to be a moment when somebody in the background was filming on an iPad.

And to those those people, I say this: that is Kamala Harris's fault, and it's your fault for electing Kamala Harris.

Because if you don't want someone filming an event on an iPad, you shouldn't have elected someone with South Asian family.

That's what we do.

That is what we do.

It was great to see so many of the figures from my childhood, be they Bill Clinton or J-Lo, who I consider both to be as equally influential on the development of the American Project.

J-Lo performed a a song, she performed a bit of This Land Is Your Land,

which is a song written by Woody Guthrie.

And Woody Guthrie really has not engaged with the current spirit of bipartisanship and cooperation in America because Woody Guthrie was a folk singer who famously performed with a guitar that had the words, This machine kills fascists written on it.

Now, come on, Woody, where's your sense of cooperation?

Why didn't your guitar say this machine seeks bipartisan cooperation with fascists?

Come on.

So far,

the big headline so far is that Biden has rejoined the Paris Agreement and the World Health Organization as part of a flurry of executive orders, including one meaning that the Sex in the City reboot will have to feature Samantha or introduce a character with, and I believe this is the exact wording, a commensurate horn.

So that'll be very exciting.

It's a Gresham novel, isn't it?

The Commensurate Novel.

The Commensurate, yes, yeah, it is.

Look, it's becoming increasingly clear that the Biden administration is basically going to try and Elvis Presley/slash vanillaize this shit.

Okay?

They're basically going to take some stuff a black guy did and just do it again in a way that offends fewer white people because the person doing it is white.

I mean, it was because I've been living odd hours.

I got a bit sleepy later during the inauguration.

So I can't remember.

Is it Lady Gaga who's now Secretary of State or Jennifer Lecklis?

I couldn't follow the narrative of it.

Lady Gaga is Secretary of Health and Human Services now.

Okay, good.

I mean, actually, just minutes before we started recording, I don't know if you saw this, that the news came across that Biden had issued another executive order reversing Trump's ban on transgender people serving in the military, which was something that

was an Obama-era policy that Trump undid because and now Biden is bringing it back because he believes that transgender people deserve to die too

and

yeah I mean I

agree with Nish about how weird Trump I mean it's hard it's hard to fathom how like he's horrible but also

stupid

like that that you know there was a headline I just, I read it yesterday in The Guardian, that Trump is plotting his revenge on Republicans who wronged him.

And in the course of the story, they disclosed that someone had to tell him

after he, after he had been president of the United States for four years, presiding over some of the most intense partisanship in the history of partisanship, someone still had to tell him that

running a primary challenge and starting a third party were incompatible activities.

That you can't do both at the same time.

He's a fing idiot.

And for all of the Trump was a fascist talk, what's remarkable is how quickly he can be undone.

Like, most of his enduring legacy is going to be right-wing judge judicial appointees, which is bad.

And that's why there are now calls for Democrats to pack the courts tighter than a Mexico City bus at rush hour.

But a lot of the bad stuff that he did was just these executive orders that Biden can undo them.

And he's just running down the list, undoing Trump executive orders.

This weekend,

my family, we drove somewhere and we got out of the car, and I said, and my wife had been driving, and I said, I looked at the car and I said, honey, it looks like you drove through poop, and now there's poop all over the tires of the car.

And she looked at me like I was an idiot and she said, it's poop.

These are tires.

Poop rolls on, poop rolls off.

And that is basically what's happening with Trump's contribution to American government.

I mean, fundamentally, his first few days in office, all Joe Biden has done is just absolutely hammered the control and Z keys on the Oval Office computer.

He's issued executive orders regarding minimum wage, assistance for people struggling to pay for food, speeding up America's COVID response, rejoining international organizations, working against gender and sexuality-based discrimination, and planning for a recovery from the virus that benefits all of America rather than just billionaires.

So depending on your political view, these are either acts of good sense and basic humanity or the out-and-out, unfettered communism we were all warned about.

I mean, you might as well have dug up Stalin America, pumped him full of caffeine, wired him up to Google Translate and let him turn Alaska into a poet and artists only prison camp.

You fools, you were warned.

The Senate is going to press on with the impeachment charges against Trump.

And look, I guess in many ways, it's not a surprise that an administration fronted by a game show host and based exclusively on the ideas of no tax and white people are best is devolving into absolute chaos.

And the thing that America needed to learn from Britain is: if you want to get a government across whose only policies are no tax and white people are best, you don't get a game show host, you get a frequent game show guest.

That's the mistake you made, America.

God, you were so close to getting it over the line.

Fools.

We left it all on the field.

That's what Trump said.

We left it all on the field, like a herd of cows.

It's interesting to watch the Republicans try to adapt to this post-Trump era because, like, you know, the same people who have been stoking the flames of white nationalism and who literally, you know, just

mere weeks ago incited an armed insurrection to overthrow our democracy are now like, you know, it just feels like they're going into their into the deep cuts.

They're trying to dust off the oldies but goodies and do their greatest hits again and be like, you know, oh, that wasn't us.

It's now it's time to unify and move forward.

Now, after we have, you know, had

cancerous diarrhea down your throat for four years, we would like to reach across the aisle and move forward together.

Just time link that cancerous diarrhea back and out the marriage throat.

So

it's just like they're just running down the list of like trying things like

gay marriage, culture war, the deficit.

Anyone?

Anyone?

Do people remember my greatest hits?

What about what about, you know,

now they're worried about cancel culture?

And it's pretty exciting to watch people worry about cancel culture on the national news.

And the most remarkable thing about it is that C-SPAN, if you watch the Republicans, these people who have committed their lives to the superiority of the white race cannot figure out how to put on a mask properly.

They all, everyone, they have the mask below the nose.

They just, it's the basic, it's the basic below-the-nose error.

Every single one of them, it's hard to take them seriously because all you can think about is how they have a mask with all the snot on the outside.

Listen, I've said it before, I'll say it again.

If Brad Pitt was to talk to me about white people being genetically superior that is a conversation I'm willing to have but unfortunately it's just a bunch of scurvy faced motherfuckers like no one is gonna look at Ted Cruz and think well that is obviously the peak of humanity he looks like a hamburger someone's drawn eyes and a face on

But I guess, you know, there's a danger with, you know, there's a lot of expectations now on Biden, and I guess it's kind of easy to dampen expectations because, you know, whilst America no longer has a president who seems intent on inflicting passive genocide on it, the pandemic is still a long way from tearfully announcing its retirement, hanging up its protein spikes, and quietly moving on to the lucrative corporate speech circuit.

With its how I conquer the world through exploiting international discord and frailties, could become a keynote lecture in big business circles.

But anyway, there's a lot of difficulty, and those expectations are going to be dampened.

But I don't think it's possible to dampen the absolutely wild relative lack of despair.

I don't think you you can possibly

dampen that.

I really,

the big thing that I regret is that when Biden finished his inauguration speech, he didn't go full mission impossible and just tear off his mask.

And it turned out it was Obama again.

He finished the inauguration speech by saying, I'm back, it's Britney, bitch.

One thing we do need to wrap up from the Andy, Nish is referring to Britney Spears.

Right, okay.

I'm going to have to look that up afterwards.

Not the region in France.

I mean, Trump spent his last few days very much as

you would have expected

just

issuing presidential pardons, basically legalising crime, boosting prospects for a catastrophically deadly famine in Yemen and being institutionally childish towards his successor before flouncing off with the good grace of a screaming three-year-old who's just lost past the parcel at his own birthday party for the second year in a row.

And these pardons, 143 last-minute pardons, party, party, party, all the way.

The going rate apparently is around $2 million, according to some reports which mention the name of Rudolph Giuliani, the man best known for sweating pure liquid evil down his face a few weeks ago.

$2 million.

That seems...

That seems like quite a good deal, isn't it?

I mean, as the old song goes, I beg your pardon, and I also promise you $2 million in the White House rose garden.

Yeah, that's my kind of cultural reference.

But the final totalizer on Trump's lies in office, according to the Washington Post, Trump lie scoreboard, in which they've keeping track of every false and misleading statement he's made in his various formats since he became president.

30,573 lies in total in four years.

I mean, that is a number that will surely live for all.

It's like Don Bradman's 99.94 batting average.

That is never going to be broken.

Some records are meant to be broken.

Others are destined to last for all time.

Most dinosaurs eaten in a year, that's not going to be broken.

Most women slept with whilst Pope.

That's unlikely to go.

I mean, some pretty high bars were set back in the day, and modern popes don't really even seek to challenge those marks, particularly hard.

Most wives executed whilst English monarch, again, it's going to be difficult to beat that.

But Trump's lie count as president I mean I can imagine another president being being

you know not particularly truthful a lot of the time I can imagine another president telling even bigger and more lethal lies individually But I can't imagine anyone having the sheer bullshit stamina, the dedication, the 24-7, 365 work ethic to come close to 30,573 lies in a single presidential term.

That works out at around about one lie every 16 working minutes assuming an eight-hour day five days a week 50 weeks a year which i don't think trump ever came anywhere near plus one every 16 minutes

that is that's impressive

there's quite an extraordinary interview uh in the new york times with um with old dr fauci who for the the last uh year and a half has had i'd say the worst job in the western world like has had an absolute shit show of a job.

And Fauci...

Well, he did make a Faucian bargain.

Yeah.

Sorry, I'll see myself out.

I don't know if you've heard any of the other episodes of this podcast, NATO, but I believe you can see yourself very much in.

He talks a lot about receiving death threats, how his family have been on the end of various threats

and his sort of fractious at times relationship with the former president.

The last question of the interview, the interviewer says, do you think Donald Trump costs the country tens or hundreds of thousands of lives?

And Fauci says, I can't comment on that.

People always ask that, and making the direct connection that way, it becomes very damning.

I just want to stay away from that.

Sorry.

And that's a diplomatic answer.

But crucially, what he hasn't said there is, no, he didn't.

Because the answer to that question, if you're Donald Trump, should very much be like the answer to the question, did you take a shit in my sink when you were around my house last time?

And you want that answer to be, absolutely not.

Why would you even say that?

But if somebody responds to that question with, I'd rather not comment,

you definitely shout the sink.

I would like to ask the Bugles' indulgence because now that Trump is out of office, I have

one last Trump joke from my stand-up act

that must be retired.

This is like a fing Western.

I love it.

So I would like to deliver this joke for the last time

so I can fully

expunge and extirpate the demons.

And it is as follows.

As I mentioned,

my family and I, we lived in Cuba for a time during the Trump regime.

And one day I was standing on the beach with my daughter, blonde,

innocent, white sands, pristine turquoise water, looking out onto the horizon.

And she turned to me, unprompted, apropos of nothing, and said, Daddy, you know the Cuban Revolution?

And I said, Yes.

And she said, Let's go back to America and do that to Donald Trump.

And I said, Good girl, that's right.

Yes.

Now remind me, what kind of family are we?

And she said, We're kind, Daddy.

And I said, Yes, we are.

And what does our family always do?

And she said, We attack the enemy supply line.

That's what our family does.

We surround Mar-a-Lago, cut off the supply of chicken tenders, and the regime will fall.

Sometimes they're jokes, and sometimes they're practical hints for revolution, and I need my audiences to leave the show knowing how to properly lay a siege.

Well, an honourable burial for

a Trump joke.

It's the closest the bugle will get to a Viking funeral.

Just watching the joke float out.

Have you got any particular Trump gags you're gonna miss no I mean I I to be quite honest with you I'm I I feel like I've Viking burialed all of them already I feel like I'd emotionally said goodbye to Donald Trump when he lost the election and then it's just been since then it's just been a fun game of will the United States fall into fascism a format I am making available to any commissioners that are looking for it

I will work for anyone I will take down another app.

So help me, God.

Netflix, come on.

I can take you down.

I know you're a big fish, but I can take you down.

With my gameplay format, Will America Fall Into Fascism?

I don't think you want to totally take him down.

Like, if you're going to bury him, I think you need to leave a tiny bit of him just above the surface.

So I watched Home Alone 2.

Like smallpox, where they keep a tiny bit in a test.

I mean, that's a good comparison.

But like, so I watched Home Alone 2 with my six and a half-year-old daughter for the first time this weekend.

And I warned her, like, she already knows who and what Trump is and was.

And I warned her that it was coming and he was going to be there on screen.

And so little Kevin McAllister walks through the lobby into the Plaza Hotel.

He sees Donald Trump and spontaneously the whole family pantomime style started booing.

It was fantastic.

And it's like, you know, there's a lot of people saying that he should be gone for it.

He shouldn't be gone.

Like, that is our panto now is him on screen being jeered jeered at by children.

Keep it.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm quite in favour of him being replaced by Christopher Plummer in that film because of the precedent.

The last time Christopher Plummer had to step in, it was because of Kevin Spacey.

And I mean, Donald Trump's sort of Kevin Spacey'd America.

I think I'll miss my

Russian doll joke that I had on Trump, which I've probably done on the Beagle before.

Send it off and he's one more time.

An inverse Russian doll of frontery.

Every time you think he's reached his limits, out pops an even bigger.

And I think

he saw that right through to two weeks before he was de-inaugurated.

Let's move on to Californian politics, NATO.

You are the Bugles

Governor of California

QAnon

Proud Boys and anti-vax campaign correspondent rolled into one?

So it's been

a busy week for you.

That's right.

So

California Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom is facing a recall challenge.

And if you don't know him,

enjoy yourself.

He used to be mayor of San Francisco, so I've had to put up with his bullshit for 20 years.

He's the guy who thinks he's Christian Bale as Batman when he's actually Val Kilmer as Batman.

Before he was in politics, he owned a wine bar for men who wore sweater vests.

And it was called Plump Jack, which I thought was slang for ejaculating from a flaccid penis.

And

his

first wife was called,

his first wife was Kimberly Guilfoyle, who is now dating Donald Trump Jr.

And Real Ones will remember a photo shoot they did in 2004 for the magazine Harper's Bazaar.

And if you haven't, Google it, please.

Because there was a photo shoot that compares them to John and Jackie Kennedy and shows them in formal attire lying down on an expensive rug in a mansion, wearing an evening gown whilst, I must reiterate, lying down is the very definition of all dressed up and nowhere to go.

They are lying in the same pose that my children use when they are lying on the floor in pajamas reading comic books, but they look like they were tuckered out from a hard day's work evicting the poor.

If you looked up the word decadence in the dictionary, you would see this picture.

The picture looks like a glossy brochure advertising guillotines.

Now,

Newsom was handling the pandemic pretty well and just following the finging science.

Is that so much to ask?

Until he stopped.

First, to slow the spread, he called for an overnight curfew, which was not the problem at all.

The evidence is that the big spreaders are unmasked people indoors and traveling, not telling people they can't go out at night when all the night shit is closed anyway.

A nighttime curfew to stop COVID is like telling me I'm not allowed to poop right after I finish pooping.

And then on top of that,

in November, he went around scolding people for gathering indoors without masks on and then proceeded to gather indoors without masks on.

He attended a dinner party at a restaurant called French Laundry, which is neither French nor a laundry, but has, I think, 11 Michelin stars.

It costs $350 American dollars to eat there.

I would love to eat there someday.

And I would do it if I were the governor.

And I could do it without remembering that possibly 200,000 residents of my state were on the cusp of facing eviction, and I had the power to do something and was choosing not to.

But the poached medallion of Yellowtail with whimsical sun chokes, the amuse bouche.

Is your bouche fully amused?

Then your money back.

How can I think about your stupid rent when there are truffles on everything?

And by the way, like the approach to the COVID,

managing COVID,

they change the rules so quickly and arbitrarily, it feels like they're using a magic eight-ball.

Like the numbers go up and we lock down, and the numbers go down for 10 seconds, and then we open up again.

It's like they're trying to manage COVID using the rhythm method.

And surprise, surprise, it's not working.

Anyway, now Newsom is facing a recall campaign campaign instigated by the Proud Boys and Republicans and QAnon anti-vaxxers.

Not so much a who's who as a goof stew.

Look,

I couldn't be bothered to write a punchline to that.

I felt like there was a better punchline there waiting for me.

And listeners, if you know what that joke wanted to be, please feel free to email me at subcomandante nato at thebuglepodcast.gov.

American comedy.

Oh, that's exciting.

American comedy fans will recognize that joke writing technique is what we call kindlering, kindlering in reference to the comedian Annley Kindler, where the punchline is that you couldn't f ⁇ ing be bothered to write a punchline.

Anyway, the best part of the Newsome Recall campaign is that the campaign is being managed by an eye patch-wearing veteran political consultant named, I shit you not, Randy Economy.

Which is something Trump hopes would take him to success in the presidential election, election, ironically, isn't it?

Is it too on the nose for a Republican concern about loss of commerce due to COVID restrictions to be named literally Horny for the free market?

No,

it can't be his real name.

No,

that's the name of a porno written by Milton Friedman.

I refuse to believe that that is a real man.

You can look him up, you can watch

his live stream,

go to his website, his campaign team also

includes thirsty profit accumulation,

tumescent visible hand, and Bill Cosby.

So

I read this article

about the recall campaign

and the reporters were just going through it,

reciting the facts, the who, what, when, where, and then they got to Randy Economy.

And I do not believe that the entire LA Times writers room did not shit themselves laughing when they got to Randy Economy.

I'll just have a quick look through the latest Brexit food-related headlines.

In the aftermath of Brexit, trading meat has become a nightmare, claim businesses.

In the aftermath of Brexit, trading fish has become a nightmare, claim businesses.

In the aftermath of Brexit, trading organic produce has become a nightmare, claim businesses.

In the aftermath of Brexit, trading wine has become a nightmare.

Claim businesses.

In the aftermath of Brexit, trading nibbly snacks has become a nightmare.

Claim businesses.

And in the aftermath of Brexit, trading fing anything has become a nightmare.

Claim businesses.

We should give some balance from more pro-Brexit newspapers as well.

Bread legal again after Brexit overturns non-existent EU ban.

F off and brew your own cider, Prime Minister tells UK wine merchants.

Who needs food when you have freedom?

Barks Rob.

Union Jack Radish surprises salad eating granny.

Potato becomes magic after meeting queen and Brits invented food, claims Stonehenge archaeologists.

So, you know,

I guess it just depends which newspapers you read.

But everyone, don't worry, because the government has really snapped into action and declared a war on woke.

This was a heavily trailed new policy that was in some of the Conservative papers over the weekend.

It's a war on woke.

They're going to be renaming streets after Victoria Cross heroes and protecting our culture and the countries.

I'm glad that they've declared a war on woke and not a war on everyone dying.

Because as I've always said from the beginning, better to be dead than to make even largely superficial concessions to anti-racism.

My great-grandfather did not personally dab acid on Hitler's dick hole to be told that he couldn't say packy.

Okay?

Thank God this government has abandoned getting a good Brexit deal or stopping everyone from dying, and instead is going to say things like, we've declared a war on woke.

That is what we voted for.

What a bunch of fingers.

And for balance,

not

genocide news now, and

well, you really delivered that with a fun and finally tone in your voice, Andrew.

And there's lighter news.

The British government has defended.

Spoken like a Jew.

That's my new podcast, by the way.

The British government has defended its right to trade with genocidal countries this week following a challenge from Conservative backbenchers, including the much and rightly maligned Ian Duncan Smith, that

wanted to make the UK the first country in the world to be able to determine which countries are committing genocide in its own domestic courts.

Now,

Parliament voted against this proposal, so we can fortunately now still trade with genocidal countries.

And this really highlights the fact that basically no country has a regulation like this, that ethics and international trade have often gone together like a horse and a rocket launch, in that they are mostly kept as as far apart as possible and if they ever do meet the former is generally going to do a much

the former is going to do much worse than the latter.

Now obviously letting the courts decide on international legal matters is the wrong way to go about it.

I think we need to, you know, we're democracies and we should put it to the public vote and have a phone vote on whether the people of Britain think that a potential

trade partner is or is not committing genocide.

A simple phone line call 0800-4366-2433 and press for genocide, two for no, it's just a bit of ethno-religious horseplay, three for we really need that trade deal, and four for, oh, seriously, come on, have you seen how much oil they've got.

And, you know, just democratize it and get it all above board.

NATO, I know you're a huge fan of trading with as many genocidal countries as humanly possible.

Well, so I was curious about why this issue was coming up in

the UK.

And I don't know that much about the history of the UK.

And

I read in the the coverage that the British government is deeply concerned about curtailing genocide.

So I typed into Google British Genocide.

And my friends at Google AutoPhil suggested the following options.

British genocide of Irish, British Genocide of India, British Genocide of Kenya, British Genocide of Iran, British Genocide of Australia, British Genocide of Bengal, British Genocide of Boers, British Genocide of Tasmania.

If I understand correctly, the British don't like anyone else doing the genocide.

I read that the 1943 Bengal famine killed up to 3 million people because of Churchill.

So if the law had been passed, it would have required the UK to stop trading with the UK,

which would have been quite a challenge.

And this debate was about the genocide currently underway being committed by China.

And I think we can all agree that genocide is very bad, and we should oppose it at every turn, unless doing so would stop us from getting the newest iPhone.

Because how can genocide and TikTok exist in the same place in time?

Say what you will about Britain through the ages, NATO, but we sure put the I into genocide.

That's how we do it.

Okay, and voting through this bill would have been tremendous hypocrisy on our part.

It would have been tremendously hypocritical of us to suddenly take an anti-position on genocide, given some of our work in the field in the past.

Well, on that happy note,

we should end this week's bugle since we've overrun and

I'm now,

as I said, hallucinating cricket scores.

So

we were going to talk a little bit about the situation in Russia, but frankly, the world is already...

We've just finished with genocide and I'm not sure I can take

anything even more depressing.

So we'll come back to that.

Also, you know, say what you will about Vladimir Putin, and he will try and murder you.

That guy is

the only jokes I want to tell about that guy are: hey, have you ever noticed how peaceful he is?

What a cool guy.

No poisoning for me, please.

That's the top-selling Russian podcast at the moment.

On the subject of podcasts, today is the marks 131st anniversary of the return to New York of the pioneering travel journalist Nellie Bly, who completed her round-the-world trip in

record 72 days, and she did so without posting a single selfie on social media, would you believe, young people watch and learn.

Now, by happy coincidence, her spiritual descendants, producer Chris from The Bugle and Richie Firth, have a new season of the Travel Hacker Podcast coming out.

Now, Chris, tell me how much you were inspired by Nellie Bly's exploits in 1890.

One of the things I like about her is that when it was discovered that she was going to do it in tribute to Jules Verne,

she was setting a competition against Elizabeth Bisland.

And the challenge was, who's going to be the fastest woman around the world?

And not only did Nellie Bly win, she said throughout, this is bullshit.

It's not a race.

I'm not racing you.

But by the way, I won.

Which is fantastic.

She also did it.

She left.

She had no time to plan.

She left basically the clothes she was in, a sturdy overcoat.

And she took pants, toiletries, and some cash wrapped in a chain around her neck.

And that was it.

72 days around the world.

Right.

Well, that's a lot of pants.

I don't achieve that in this podcast

because we're not allowed to travel anywhere.

So it's just me and Richie fantasizing about traveling places.

But

we did do one real season where we actually traveled the world and

we failed drastically every episode.

So please do listen to Hear Me Fail.

Did you know that she's buried in the same cemetery as Elizabeth Bisland's the woman she beat?

God, that is a lovely story of corpses.

Pneumonia, they both died of

in their 50s.

Right.

Can I raise the tone anymore?

That is sounding like a sitcom waiting to happen.

Back to genocide.

Yeah, exactly.

Nato, anything to

plug?

You know, follow me at NATO Green on Twitter, Mr.

Nato Green on Instagram.

I have some albums out that you can get wherever you download your stream albums.

But if you do, if you were so inclined, please purchase them on Bandcamp because that's where the artists make the most money.

Nish, any shows to tell people about?

No, I'm just plugging good vibes, baby.

Oh, right.

I'm just plugging Brexit.

Britain's open.

I'm plugging post-Brexit Britain.

We're open, guys, and we will trade.

And I cannot stress this enough with anyone.

ISIS, do you want hats?

We are open.

North Korea, are you guys looking for a line of personally branded COD pieces?

Britain is open.

Well, thank you for listening, Buglers.

We'll be back next week.

You can hear me on the news quiz on Radio 4 for the next few weeks.

I also did Mark Maron's WTF podcast last week.

That should be available.

That was a pretty extraordinary day, Andy.

That, for me, was the equivalent of the scene in Heat when Robert De Niro meets Al Pacino.

But for Jewish comedy podcasters,

yes, so that's that's available also on the internet.

And

well, that's it, we're done.

I'm gonna go get some sleep.

Thank you for listening.

We'll be back next week.

Goodbye.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.