Bugle 4159 - Putin The Tooth In

The Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4159 of the Bugle Audio Newspaper for a Visual World.

It's Friday, the 3rd of July, 2020.

I am Andy Zaltzman, and as soon as we finish recording this, I'm going to the Oval Cricket Ground to have a a COVID test.

Now,

we on the show have recorded through the course of the year many sentences you would not have expected to hear really at the start of this year, or in particular at the start of this millennium.

And,

well, as Chris pointed out, what we're just about to record, that sentence, me going to have a virus test at a cricket ground, I think can safely be added to that list.

I'm joined today

by

Tiff Stevenson.

Tiff,

have you had a COVID test yet?

I haven't.

I think I've had it, but just because I want to be like all the cool kids,

hop on with the trends.

I think I had it early doors,

and

so I should get the antibodies test, but I haven't had the official test yet.

But I haven't been out amongst mingling with people.

So

until I do, I guess then that will be...

because I believe it's not the most pleasant thing.

Well, let's find out from a man who has had a test and reporting to us from a country that is in the massively abnormal state of normality, New Zealand.

It's a big welcome back to James Nakiso.

James,

well, firstly, how you had a test

this week, you said.

What have I got to look forward to?

Not to brag, but we kind of clocked this thing.

And so just for kicks, really just average New Zealanders like myself have just been wandering up and saying can I get a test bro

it's look I basically there's a lot of nice chit chat and then they say just stare at that wall

and and they stick you

with a cotton bud in your nose until they feel the squishy brain at the end of it

but but sounds awesome you're you're an English comedian

Zoltzmann you've you've You've had worse things hit the back of your nose.

It's absolutely fine, mate.

I mean, I was going to say yes, I've had probably more uncomfortable experiences on stage, for example, at the Birdcage Club in Leeds,

where I had to leave the venue by the back exit to avoid walking through the angry-looking crowd.

And so what's life in New Zealand like now, James?

Because whilst the rest of the world is still in states of, well, varying between complacency and panic, which is a curious cocktail to have at the same time.

How are things in the land of the normal?

I feel we've really leaned into this Hobbitin metaphor in that we're just kind of carrying on, drinking our pumpkin ale

and running barefoot through the meadows.

And outside of us, Mordor is just wreaking havoc.

And we're all just kind of oblivious, going from hole to hole, saying, hey, man, shop, don't go outside.

And some people wanted to go to Australia and it was looking good, but then the tradition of New Zealand-Australian relationships, Aussie fked up.

So

now we're just playing solo again.

It's good, though.

It's like shaking hands is a, you take that for granted.

Yeah, I never thought I'd get nostalgic for something like that.

It's really weird.

Boris had a slutty handshake.

and that's part of what's

a Ramon song.

He's getting in shape now.

Well, yes, he has been

doing press-ups this week for cameras, which is, I mean, not as useful for the nation as doing his job with even a vestige of competence.

But, you know, I guess it's something.

I guess it's better than not doing press-ups and still failing to do everything that you want a prime minister to do.

We are recording on the 3rd of July.

On this day in the year 1035, William the Conqueror became Duke of Normandy.

Of course, he was not known as William the Conqueror by that point.

His conquering days were still some way off.

He was known then as William the seven-year-old boy, which is, you know, I don't know, a good age to become a duke, I guess.

You've got to learn on the job.

As he always did with these things, he had a tapestry commissioned, but because he was a seven-year-old boy, it was mostly of people riding bikes, climbing trees, and stuffing their faces with chips.

He loved tapestries, of course.

William the Conqueror, the not very Instagram of their day.

And the Bayer Tapestry, famously charting the Battle of Hastings

in 1066, had an amazing amount of product placement in it.

It's not just modern-day films, but bubonics, plague remedies, tablets, and all that you can see if you look at it right.

Tomorrow...

The 4th of July is Independence Day.

On the 4th of July 1776, Georgie and the Split Squad got their Declaration Funk on.

And looking back,

that was really the day when things started going downhill for both Britain and America.

And I think with hindsight, we can fairly ask who's independence from whom, and even more pertinently, for how long, and certainly less pertinently, what is independence anyway?

What's the point of going independent if you end up dependent on something else?

For example, a rotten political system propped up by a sclerotic economic system and willfully divisive and delusiono-factionary media.

John Adams, future president of America, wrote to his wife saying it ought to be commemorated as a day of deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty, which raises the question, why does God hate Britain, mummy?

And he also said in this in 1776, it ought to be solemnised with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, guns.

He said guns.

He said guns in

1776.

Therefore, everyone must fire guns now by the immutable logic of America.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

A shopping supplements, trying to get the economy moving again here at the Bugle.

So do buy some of these products.

The new online-only perfume Vertua.

Download a description of what it smells like.

Then imagine yourself smelling like it and tell people around you that's what you smell of.

Very interesting psychologically.

And some new

unnecessary gadgets including the Identitech seat recognizer 2.6X, the market leading seat recognition machine.

Simply affix it to your belt or trouser or skirt or other waste-located clothing at the base of your back area and it will bleep according to whether the object behind you is or is not a seat, thus advising you whether or not you can sit on it.

So you get a bleep for something you can sit on, a honk for definitely do not plonk yourself down here under any circumstances, such as if what's behind you is an especially pointy stalagmite, a sleeping lion or the ledge of a grain silo.

The premium version comes with a second beep pitched according to the likely comfort of the seat.

Also from Adentitech, the new improved shoe shoe recognizer 4500, now crucially with night vision technology fully incorporated to avoid those awkward sticking your foot in your pet Terrapin's face thinking it's a slipper at 3am moments.

And other products, the Bever Agent Brew Hoist Mechanical Automatic Teabag Crane.

Simply affix your teabag to the dangle hook on the load jib, set the timer to your desired strength of brew and move over Rover, let physics take over.

And if you buy the mechanical automatic teabag crane, you get the Bever Agent Twin Shaft Brew Mixer half price.

Simply pour your fresh brewed tea plus any milk and sugar into the brew mixer, and in under a minute, you will have a fully stirred and still hottish drink, assuming the cement has been properly cleared out after it was repurposed.

Also a 4D printer, which also prints time.

That section in the bin.

Top story this week, Russia news.

And well, Russia has been all over the news the land of the cold and angry bear the land of literary geniuses and 1980s movie baddies and the land of democratically untouchable dictatorship

Vladimir Putin a man who's won more elections than the great heroes of democracy can can dream of this week has won every election between now and the year 2036.

Superb performance from Big Vlad.

There was a referendum in Russia

in which basically Putin's

which basically Putin was cleared to remain in charge until 2036.

It was a part of a range of things people were voting on in this referendum.

Critics have claimed the vote was rigged and if you're in any doubt whether or not the vote was rigged,

77.92% of people voted in favour.

And surely that proves that this was an entirely fabricated vote because

77.92, 1977 to 1992 is the exact span of the test match career of England cricket legend Ian Botham.

So I mean you don't need any more evidence than that.

I mean a surprising amount of kind of cricket fandom in these little references emanating from the Kremlin.

But

this is is this you know looking at the state of our own politics.

Is this something we should be aiming for now to try and to try and match what Russia is doing?

I think worry if Boris Johnson has any kind of cosmetic surgery or plastic surgery because all I know is any male president or prime minister who's had cosmetic surgery is never leaving office democratically.

The stats really back that up.

Yeah, yeah, you've got to think about the vanity of that.

But you've got Gaddafi, Berlusconi.

I mean, it's a forced resignation, but

if they've had the surgery, they're clinging on, and their vanity says, I'm never leaving.

I'm never leaving office.

Apparently Trump

has had some work done on his chin and a scatter.

It tracks, basically.

It tracks.

James, how much do you trust Russian democracy?

I'm just trying to work out whether I'm closer to England or Russia before I answer that question.

In New Zealand,

I'm not sure.

I think we're within striking distance.

I think the UK should be worried because if Boris is doing push-ups,

it's probably

he's about to start taking off his shirt for the photos, mate.

And as we all know, that's a clear sign on the pathway

to getting.

I love that Putin has figured out that he's clearly gone, all right, when will I die?

Minus five.

I reckon I could be president

up until death, like 16 more years.

That's like maximum strength dictatorship.

Just figure out when you'll die and work back and then boom i think he um do you see the picture of him going to vote yeah he looks so uncomfortable because he was wearing clothes like

genuinely um yeah now he now now he now you know and you know how i feel uh when i record the bugle on these video calls

Deep

with a shirt on.

I mean, the vote says that he can rule until 2036, but it was pitched as a vote on some constitutional changes, as you say, Andy.

So it was sort of hidden.

So it was pitched as a vote for like that people would go, oh, of course I want to vote for that because it's like boosting minimum wages and pensions.

And then there's just this huge terms and conditions.

You know, you know, like at the end of any advert, you hear the T's and C's apply.

Vladimir Putin will remain president for life.

He'll only be removed from the office when you prize cold, dead hands off the war chest.

No officials to hold dual citizenships ever.

Patriots only.

This bill will f over gay people, contractually binding till the end of time itself.

Well, I mean, this, this, this, the kind of sliding in a ban on gay marriage into this, into this legislation was, I mean, slightly odd.

I mean, it's an odd thing for the Russian people.

I mean, it's very hard to understand as a non-Russian, but I mean, it's this what is holding Russia back as a nation?

It's not the institutionalized political corruption.

It's not the state-sanctioned commercial larceny of their natural resources.

It's not the sapping militaristic political dip swinging, nor the suppression of freedom and expression, nor even the vodka.

It's the mere idea that Arkadi and Igor have found love in each other's arms.

If that can be stopped, all Russia will thrive for all time.

It's the possibility of a fabulous wedding that's holding that's holding them back.

It's weird as well, because I always think the most closeted one, like the most closeted ones, are the biggest homophobes, aren't they?

Like Putin's gay.

I think Putin's gay.

He's bareback horse riding, topless fishing, cosmetic tweakments.

He hates pussy, riot.

Just come out as a friend of Dorothy, Vlad, and you'll feel happier, you know?

Oh, how good would those photos be if he had a mate on another horse,

bare-chested, just two bros riding around Russia, dictating together, co-dictators?

You've got to admire how cold it is in parts of Russia for him to get the chest out in the first place.

It's getting maximum nipple, he's just advertising.

It's wild

that, like,

I mean, we're kind of laughing at it, but it's, I feel like it's exactly the kind of move that Boris or

Trump would make because they're sort of under the thrall of,

I don't like to use too much of a Dracula reference, but I think Boris and Donald Trump are under the thrall of Count Vladimir's power.

And they're just running to their windows in their 90s, thrashing about asking to be bitten in return for political immortality.

Like if Boris shows up at PMQs with a scarf round his neck to hide two puncher wounds, I am correct on this.

We will keep an eagle eye on it.

Critics claim the vote was rigged.

Vladimir Putin responded, which vote?

Oh, the referendum?

Or the vote I held in my own head with an electorate of me on whether or not to rig the referendum?

That vote was entirely free and fair.

Putin justified the vote by saying he wanted to stop the search for a successor that could leave him as a lame duck,

albeit a kind of Kaiser Soze lame duck that isn't really lame and isn't really a duck and has eaten all the other ducks.

Kremlin critic

Alexander Navalny was quoted as saying the updated results are a massive lie.

They have nothing in common with the opinion of Russia's citizens.

And I'm sorry, Alexei, but you misunderstand democracy.

Have you never followed a British general election or an American presidential election?

The opinion of the citizens is not something that elections are supposed to try to gauge.

It's something that elections are designed to overcome.

That's your key error.

Andy, you leave Alexei alone.

He hasn't got long to live.

Let him enjoy his life.

Sorry.

That dude is dead.

I'm sorry, Alexei.

Good on you for speaking up, but you know the rule.

In other Russian news, Trump's administration is coming under increasing pressure to explain how much it knew about allegations that Russia was offering bounties to Taliban fighters to kill American troops.

Officials have claimed that Trump was not personally informed, but was given written, but it has emerged that he was given written briefings, so I guess he has a legitimate excuse, which is that everyone knows he can't be asked to read things, which is not ideal in a president.

That's like having a surgeon who can't be asked to use surgical implements.

But, you know, I guess we can't judge him for that.

I often don't read things I should read, like the dress code on invitations.

Never go to a christening, dressed as the child snatcher from chitty chitty bang bang, or to a Zumba class, dressed as the Grim Reaper.

And I never even read that book I was given when I left both school and university entitled How to Leverage Your Privileged Private Education to Control Politics, the Economy and Society, which was a foolish oversight.

And most of my peers did, of course, read it cover to cover.

But

this is bizarre, isn't it?

The idea that Trump

said to ignore the president's daily brief, which is another one of those sentences you didn't expect

to hear, like Queen Norse at still twitching raw swan during state opening of parliament.

That was another sentence you didn't expect to read, and indeed haven't read, because she'd never do such a thing.

She's the queen and she likes to eat in private.

But

interestingly, the reason her crown has that purple cloth bit in the middle is to hide a beer can hold her so she can quietly enjoy a cleansing pint at tedious state vacations.

But US President can't be asked to read official briefings.

I mean, that is, in a historical context, that is almost as fing ridiculous as anything else that's happened.

But what do you expect?

He can't be asked to blend his makeup in.

I mean, his foundation is all over the place.

Why would he bother reading?

His literal and metaphorical foundations are all over the place.

His press secretary did come out to say he's the most well-read president that ever did president.

And he is very across everything.

Like, this was just yesterday.

And wouldn't have it that because I think the New York Times came in and sort of said, Is it true he knew about these Russian bounties?

Which, by the way, sound like a terrible chocolate bar.

And she was like, I like she was simultaneously having to walk the tight, it was like kind of walking a tightrope whilst juggling of saying he's the most well-read, he's across every briefing, but at the same time, going, he has no awareness of

any Russian bounties

being in place.

So completely contradicting herself.

Really?

In American politics.

Yeah.

But

the suggestion is that Putin had paid Taliban soldiers.

And there's like 29 soldiers, I think, that they're saying it could possibly be.

Isn't that the plot to Rambo 3?

Yeah, it does.

In other Russian news, MPs in Britain have described as utterly reprehensible a delay in issuing the report into Russian interference in British politics, which was completed last October by the Intelligence and Security Committee and should have been ready for publication within a fortnight of being delivered to Downing Street in October, but it was delayed because, well, well, there was an election coming up and there could be another one within five years and then another one five years after that.

So please, everyone, just piss off.

The committee has now not met since the general election in 2019.

Who'd have thought?

It gets so nostalgic for 2019, which is the committee's longest furlough since 1994.

And 30 MPs wrote to the Prime Minister last month to push for the committee to be reconstituted and said the refusal to publish the report

raised questions about the transparency and integrity of Britain's democratic process, which is like raising questions about the efficiency of the engine and quality of the paintwork in a chicken.

It obviously doesn't exist however much we want it to, even if it would be a lovely idea, that would probably benefit everyone.

So why is this report still not been published?

Well there are only two explanations possible.

Reason one, British modesty.

The report paints the government in such a good, heroic light that they don't want to show off about it.

Or reason two,

well, it's pretty obvious what reason two is, I'd have thought.

But we're British and throughout our God-given history, we've been completely honest, open and morally unimpeachable.

So let's assume it's reason one with that innate sense of fair play

handed down to us from history, hewn indeed from the living rock of Stonehenge itself.

So it's just, you know, it's just the government just doesn't want to show off about yet another success.

It's starting to get tedious.

New Zealand news now and James you are the Bugles correspondent for New Zealand and the entire Pacific region encompassing

about half the world's surface.

So some exciting news from New Zealand aside from the fact that life is actually happening there.

But, in particular, some

disappointing news for New Zealand's alcohol drinkers.

Yes, New Zealand's alcohol drinkers, which make up 98% of the population,

down from 99% during lockdown,

have had a nasty shock this week because it turns out one of the owners of our wineries is a Trump supporter,

which really

is a a cotton bud in the nose to wine drinkers who like nothing better than to get drunk and forget about politics.

And it turns out that Bill Foley, the American billionaire who's the owner of several New Zealand wines, has donated 255,600 US dollars or 4 billion New Zealand dollars to Donald Trump's campaign.

And what's been particularly bad is that these are popular wines.

These aren't just niche wines.

One of them is Mount Difficulty, or as it's now known, Mount More Difficulty.

Roaring Mag, Russian Jack, which is probably, I mean, that's a red flag, really.

Killing the doubts.

And mysteriously, Te Caragna, which is a

obviously a vineyard with a Maori name, the Maori supporters of Trump, not a large community worldwide.

There's Brian and Hannah, and we're very disappointed in them.

255,600 US dollars by coincidence is the cost of the amount of wine you need to drink in one sitting before you start to believe anything Trump says.

So it's quite a symbolic figure, that.

And I don't know, has this affected the way New Zealanders are enjoying their alcohol?

Because there's a psychological side of taste, isn't there?

There's a very kind of an emotional side as well as the sort of physical side of it.

And, you know, I guess also it might change the tasting note.

So on the nose, this wine has a lightly floral bouquet with notes of blackcurrant and apricot and velvety undertones of caged Mexican child.

Oh, man,

it's horrible when you realize just like some of the brands you love.

I looked this up the other day

on Instagram.

Someone had like put a list of brands that had like heavily donated to the Trump campaign.

And I was like, ah, you know, because I've been saying for years, like, economic progressivism, like vote with your wallet is a good idea, you know.

But then also, if I was in New Zealand right now, it would depend on how much I need to drink.

Like, if it's the only bottle left in the store and you've had a shit day, you're going to be like, I don't give a shit if he backs Genghis Khan.

Put it in my face.

So that kind of fiscal morality works if you can afford it and have access to it.

Also, I just wanted to say fiscal morality.

Is that a thing?

It should be a thing.

Well, I mean, ideally, yes, it would be, but I don't think it is yet.

Well, certainly, you know, you just don't know where

the money that you give to businesses goes.

The Bugle voluntary subscription scheme, all that money goes directly to the Trump campaign because if he doesn't get elected, we're going to have nothing to talk about for the next five years.

So, if you want to join the re-elect Trump campaign via the Bugle, do go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button to make a one-off or recurring donation to the show and join our voluntary subscription scheme.

But at least the labels are honest on these wines, James.

You mentioned Russian Jack, of course, a White House advisor.

Roaring Meg is a very, very angry voter in one of the southern states with a loaded assault rifle shouting at traffic.

And Mount Difficulty is a euphemistic term for Stone Mountain, the largest bas-relief sculpture in the world depicting three Confederate leaders from the American Civil Civil War.

And

is it Vavasour or Vavasour?

One of the

inner ones.

It's Vavasaur, which is, as you will know, a Samorn name for a winery meaning bitter about American colonialism.

I'd heard it was fronglay for go sour, which is, of course, what American democracy has conclusively done.

I like to take all my sour grapes in life and turn them into a lovely grenache.

So maybe that's what's been happening with those wines.

I think I'm like a wine as well, actually.

I like to think of myself as being like a fine wine, you know, like because I improve with age and I'm full-bodied.

I'm good with meat.

I'm readily available in most bars and restaurants.

COVID pending.

I'm often found smashed on the kitchen floor, difficult to get off people's carpets, spent the first 12 years of my life in a cellar, you know, that kind of thing.

I don't know how far I can stretch that.

Can I take that any further?

I don't think I can take that.

This is the bugle tiff.

Take it too far.

Take that to the limit.

That's what this show is all about.

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has described as dangerous calls to reopen New Zealand's borders.

And it's highlighted, James, one of the great problems of the success that New Zealand has had in locking down and isolating itself from the virus is now the difficulty of working out how and when to open up again.

No such problems here in Britain.

We cleverly never got on top of it and now we're in a position to safely think, what the f ⁇ , we're f ⁇ ed anyway.

Come for a holiday, everyone.

Yeah, I have to say for people who are really keen to just be on your own, you've kind of flipped it around halfway through the year, haven't you?

Yeah, always, as you say, New Zealand's right now.

Do you know what?

It's worked so well over here.

You have to feel for the political opposition in New Zealand.

Because I swear to God, the headlines are actually, oh, we should have moved to level one days ago.

That's the level of pettiness they have to resort to.

And we did have a small drama where two ladies coming over from England, they got permission to drive down through the country and they hadn't got their test results back.

So they weren't supposed to stop anywhere.

And it's quite a long drive.

It's about an Edinburgh to London drive for the British listeners.

But it was okay in the end because we were assured they peed on the side of the road.

And now I think they're getting Queen's Medals for

heroeship during the pandemic.

Me and my mum just really had to make that trip.

I do think peeing at the side of the road for women is heroic, actually, James.

I would agree on that because

you guys have a hose so you can direct it.

We have more of a sprinkler system.

It's very risky,

depending on what you're wearing.

This show is educational for any kids listening during lockdown and missing school.

We've got a little biology class for everyone.

I get what you're saying about the opposition because it seems to be the opposition are like, we can't stay closed forever.

Like, we have to think about like you know what about Australia and and Jacinta as usual was just like sure

like in a bit like it's a really like kind of like we've talked about it in little bit like it's so New Zealand have done everything right why would you risk letting the infected masses back in like if you look at somewhere like

the US

and because I have a visa I have been looking so they've started doing gigs again they're doing their but comedians are back out doing shows so like all the la bro comedians have it there's a there's a serious outbreak of brovid in la

and uh podcasts are going to be heavily expected so we're expecting to see the stats on that soon like but a few of them have gone out on the road they've confirmed like brendan schwab brian callum which probably means joe rogan has it like every they're all doing each other's podcasts um and uh

I think like what's frustrating about this, I guess, is the bro comedians are all on their podcasts.

I just, I want to say, like, I don't see scientists coming into your gym, knocking the barbell out of your hand.

So, stop spouting nonsense on the virus and pandemic, you know, telling, like, kind of suggesting it's a fake, telling people not to wear masks.

People are dying, Jim.

And I know this is a bit meta to do a podcast, talk about another podcast on a podcast, but

there was a great bit of sort of Bill Burr talking to Joe Rogan, where Joe Rogan was like, I don't think we should wear masks.

And Bill Burr was like, I'm not going to sit here smoking while you smoking a cigar with the backdrop of an American flag,

telling people, like, pretending that we're scientists when we're not scientists.

You know, it's insane.

So I think you've nailed it, New Zealand.

Well, I can tell you the happiest people I've seen in New Zealand are American tourists who are trapped in New Zealand.

Just one more, I know, I know, we can't leave.

Oh no,

we can't leave.

I guess we're here now.

And of course, we have, when it comes to foreign policy, fans of New Zealand will know we have the year-na-year

policy for people coming in and out of country.

And Jacinda's just going, we're at NA.

We might go back to year in a bit.

We were year, then we went to NA, and now we're just looking to go back to year pretty soon.

Very much like the no worries, some worries Australian policy.

They're definitely in some worries.

Some worries right now, mate.

On the subject of Australia, Tiff, you are the Bugles Australian military-industrial complex taking over the world, correspondent.

Big news for

the Indo-Pacific region.

Australia's boosting its defence spending by 40%, according to Prime Minister Scott Morrison, and focusing on

the Indo-Pacific, which Morrison described as an area that will be the epicentre of rising strategic competition, which coincidentally is a euphemism used in 19th-century English translations of erotic Roman poetry to replace the word penis.

It's Scott Morrison flexing his missiles.

Nice.

Nice.

I mean, they're spending 270 billion Australian dollars, which in UK money i think is a ton

um to acquire missiles with long-range strike capabilities and i sort of agree with you andy it's like lads just get your dicks out and measure them we're bored now we're bored of this all of this money that could be spent on universal income during the you know corona crisis or on vaccines or to help poverty and get people into homes to and all australia need to do is take a look at new zealand and i don't want to sound like an instagram post but nuclear free and thriving

is New Zealand.

You know, and you have to look at the technology that backs this as well.

There was a report out recently that

the nuclear weapons in the U.S.

were running off a 70s computer.

And you think, God, if one of the biggest superpowers is running nuclear missiles with 70s computers, what are we doing in the UK?

A Casio calculator and a hand crank?

Genuinely terrified.

Here, Gary, what are the launch codes again?

Like,

I don't know that anyone should be trusted with this technology, especially, or anyone should be trusted with nuclear weapons with

70s technology behind them.

Is this what we should be spending money on?

I think that the nuclear codes here are still use one of those old, was it Simon Says games, which you know, those

toys with different colour things in each corner and they light up and make a noise, and you've got to repeat.

I think that's the technology.

The Paris Factor actually loved it.

Luckily, she was very bad at it.

The UK version is now called Dominic, says, isn't it?

Just me.

Britain news now.

And while the British lockdown is entering another phase of dismantlement this weekend, we're going to be allowed to do more things than we were allowed to do last week.

But at a press conference today, Boris Johnson is going to warn, apparently, that we are not out of the woods just yet when it comes to this virus.

So says the man who threw the compass compass and map out into a ravine when we first went into the woods and said, I can feel my way out of anywhere.

I'm British.

I'll drop some breadcrumbs on the way.

We'll be fine.

He also said, let's not blow it now.

This is the man who in the early days of the crisis effectively got down on his knees, opened his mouth and blew the coronavirus.

Family show, sorry.

The government is relaxing its quarantine scheme, or to give it its official name, the massively belated, logistically incoherent, and devotedly incompetent quarantine scheme to allow people to come and go from more countries.

But there's been

and there's announcements on restrictions on what can be done at weddings.

Hands must be washed before and after the exchanging of rings.

This seems tokenistic.

I'm a bit rusty when it comes to weddings.

Mine was way back in 2004, but aren't the people involved about to, shall we politely say, do something slightly less obviously hygienic than putting bits of metal on each other's fingers?

Ceremonies

will also have to be kept, quote, as short as reasonably possible and limited as much as possible to just the parts that are legally binding, which somewhat takes the romance out of weddings.

We are gathered here today to get down to the legal nitty-gritty as expediently as possible at this financially blessed union of the legal entities that are Mark and Debbie.

You may now hand the contract to the bride.

No raised voices allowed at weddings, which that's a passive-aggressive start to your blissful lives together.

No shouting.

One of the great wedding traditions is someone shouting, It should have been me from the back.

That's now out, which might be a good thing.

And no food and drink will be consumed as part of the event.

Just make you think if Jesus were around today, and I'm not saying he's not, but if he was, he'd probably miracle it up by turning water into a 60% alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

It's Tiffany, excited about the excited or terrified about the the

relaxation of our lockdown.

The loosening up of the lockdown.

I think we should...

Well, I mean, Boris is suggesting that we socially distance like he does from a loved child.

So that's still happening.

It's now one metre instead of two meters, but I do think a man's idea of

length is questionable at best.

I know that they're like doing lockdowns in isolated areas.

So, one of the things Boris announced after his push-ups, like imagine thinking your lack, just on a side note, that your lack of physical prowess will make us forget how many people have died.

But he was saying, well, lockdown locally, and it looks like Leicester might be doing that.

And then the BBC did a big report, but I couldn't help laughing at it because it said local cases in your area.

So, they were referring to like

lockdown, local cases in your area, and you can go on and check.

But it just sounds like one of those sexy sexy girl adverts that are on late night TV,

you know, where they say

there's sexy girls in your area, local cases in your area.

Here's our under-30 selection, as you can see, mainly asymptomatic, but up for it.

40 plus cases in your area, underlying conditions, but still waiting to take your call.

50 plus, a

heavily subscribed category and potentially lethal.

Call now for all your horny COVID needs.

So

there's another sentence you didn't want to hear.

This lockdown's been too long.

Horny, horny COVID needs.

How are they going to police this, though?

Are there going to be like, is there going to be people at the city limits?

And what are the city limits?

What's the city limits of Leicester apart from their limit of comedians they can take every February?

I think that's right up there with Leicester's limits.

But how is this going to work in actuality?

Oh,

I don't know.

Practical logistics are not something that really should be thought about in these things.

We're British.

You've just got to feel it.

What about if you're in, like, the...

Is Coventry next to Leicester?

Am I thinking Leicester and Coventry are...

Like, what if you're in the...

It's quite close, yeah.

I mean,

Derby and Nottingham and Loughborough are the nearest...

Talking to someone who studied in Leicester here.

Right, okay.

So, what if you're in the Biffin's Bridge, for want of a better phrase, between Leicester and Nottingham?

Does that like

what if you're in one of the Gooch towns?

How does that work?

How do you,

yeah, he must be upset that that has become a euphemism for the bit between the balls and the arsehole.

Like, if you

gooch towns and their heavy viral load,

is anyone going to say family show?

Is anyone going to say?

That's always the subtext, Tiff.

Yeah, so I just wonder how realistic it is.

And in the places where they are kind of like restricting lockdown, does that mean everyone is back into like isolating in their house?

Or

because I've been out and I've seen people, there's about 10% of people wearing masks.

People in shops aren't wearing masks.

And so we're in this sort of stage now where I could, I could, people, it seems like everything's back to normal here, apart from the fact that I can't do my job and I can't hug my mum.

So, like, I don't understand.

Yes, very, very strange.

I've had plenty of audiences that say,

I can't do my job either.

So

it didn't difference to me.

But you know what I mean?

Like, like opening shops and stuff, but we're still sort of not, we haven't lowered the rates of infection again.

And I feel like even looking at James at this point, he'd be like, just do what we did, which was deal with it properly.

Oh, and also be three hours' flight from the nearest country.

I think that's

the other.

I mean, you know, not to take away

from what we've done, but you know, it helps.

Isolation is easier when you are isolated.

Yes, if only Britain had a moat that was more

22 miles wide at the narrowest point.

Have you guys started counting the Welsh numbers yet with your English numbers, or are you guys still just going, ah, it's just this amount?

Look,

what are numbers?

Numbers are just a perception, aren't they?

Really, Andy Zaltzman?

Really, what are numbers?

Andy Zaltzman is saying that sentence.

What are numbers?

Apart from when they're about sport, when they are, of course, gospel truth.

I mean, who had

who?

What's a larger number?

The runs of Geoffrey Boycott or the deaths of COVID in England?

Andy's Ottzman, to you.

Well, COVID is way, way, way ahead and also scored much more quickly than Boycott as well.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle.

We are having a week off next week due to crickets being back.

And if my impending

brain probing is successful I will be there and we'll report back on the following bugle about what life was like in a bio bubble watching elite sport.

I'm expecting it to be one of the strangest experiences of mine or indeed anyone else's there's lives.

James tell us about your other podcasts and things that our listeners can find you on.

You can find me on my podcast Eating Fried Chicken in a Shower, which I'm looking forward to finishing off the latest season now that we're up and running again.

Or you can see see me live by flying to New Zealand and quarantine for two weeks.

Tiff.

I would like to plug my YouTube channel because I am trying to put some content up on there, including old rope shows.

Old rope is on Instagram live at 9 p.m.

every Monday.

You will see various, I've got to get you on, actually, James.

You'll see various buglers on there, as well as all the other people that kind of do the show regularly in London.

So that's 9 p.m.

on a Monday.

The YouTube channel is Tiff Stevenson Comic, and I'm trying to get enough subscribers to monetize it.

So

get on to that.

And also, I'm doing a show

as part of the Next Up Comedy Festival, which is a Zoom festival on July the 18th.

So you can buy tickets for that and watch from anywhere in the world, depending on what time 8 p.m.

GMT is to you.

So I don't know what time, what time is that in New Zealand, James?

That will be

7, 7 a.m.

in the New Zealand.

Yeah, I'm expecting people in New Zealand to get up for that.

They want to take a beautiful, make a morning coffee, chuck on some Tiff Stevens, have yourself a time.

Yeah.

Well, thank you both for joining us.

There will be a sub-episode out next week, and we'll be back the following week with issue 4160.

Until then, goodbye.

And we will play you out with some lies about our premium-level voluntary subscribers.

To join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme, or to give a one-off contribution to the show, go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

Simon Betson wishes piranhas would chill out.

Whatever it is that has made them so angry, says Simon, they should talk about it like adults instead of trying to self-justificate their behavior to themselves by saying, well, we're piranhas, it's just what we do.

Michelle Davis managed to persuade a school teacher that for summer homework, she had read a work of ancient Greek epic poetry called the Shithiad.

Michelle was issued an official school reprimand when the teacher in question wrote the title of the poem out in very big letters on the blackboard.

Michael Keynes developed a version of the hit computer game Minecraft in which all the objects were round instead of cubic blocks.

It was quite fun for a while, explains Michael, until you started getting frustrated that everything you built rolled downhill.

Maybe I should have put fewer hills into the game, concedes Michael.

That might have helped.

Owen Kendler has developed a new type of safety gun to try to help reduce casualty statistics around the world.

When you pull the trigger on Owen's gun instead of a bullet flying out, a model bird pops out of the end of the barrel and makes a bird noise.

Owen got an Austrian company involved, but sadly, the money ran out and the cuckoo glock was never made.

Dan Cope is much taken taken with the thinking behind this idea and suggests that to help America maintain its Second Amendment right to bear arms and its fourth and a half amendment right to willfully misinterpret amendments, all guns should be fitted with a 45 minute delay between pulling the trigger and the gun firing.

That should give everyone a chance to either calm down and reassess, says Dan, or flee to a safe distance.

And Jay Schruttenboer wonders whether if Mozart were alive today, he would write a concerto for helicopter, fire engine and orchestra.

I think he'd probably have ended up doing some really weird stuff, says Jay.

Bear in mind, Big Wolfgang would be over 250 years old now and probably bored shitless, so I reckon he might even do a sonata for four rubbish bins and a frying pan.

Here, I've written a version of what I think it will be like.

Do you want to hear it?

No thanks, Jay, because we've run out of time.

That's the end of this week's lies.

Goodbye.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.