Bugle 4155 - Joe Biden's Solution

Imagine the world wasn't like it is.

Well, I mean, there'd still be that guy, and that guy, and the one who needs the eye test.

But there's also sexy literature.

It's not until her shirt is coincidentally ripped open during a fight with the winged wivens of the northern wastes, revealing her creamy breasts, that Dermian realises the archer he has been befriending is his left-behind love.

Water.

Cravings, hunger, a deep aching longing.

Try half a glass of water.

It won't fix everything, but it'll help a bit.

Jim's Gym and Gymnasium.

Have you been pumping your booty?

Booties are in.

They used to be out, but now they're in, by which I mean to say they should stick out.

That's good now.

Join me, Alice Fraser, on The Last Post.

It's like the bugle, but shorter, hornier, weirder, and dailier.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Squirrel Slayers and welcome to issue one of Andy Zaltzman's Squirrel Slayer Mayhem, a new podcast in which I, Andy Zaltzman, former host of the Bugle podcast, share tips on how to master my hit new computer game, Andy Zoltzman's Squirrel Slayer Mayhem 2, and talk honestly and frankly to squirrel rights activists on why they fundamentally disapprove of the game, my endorsement of it, what they are missing out on, and their claimed inaccuracy of what I have been told were hyper-realistic splatter graphics when those nut stashes explode.

Oh, well, it's good to dream of a happier world.

This is sadly, in fact, episode 4155 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for a f ⁇ ing idiotic world.

I am Andy Zoltzmann.

I disapprove of slaying squirrels, real or otherwise, without scientific or biodiversititious justification.

And I am here in London, formerly home of the government of the United Kingdom, now home to a group of political role-play fetishists locked in an unending performance art piece entitled Big Bad Boris's Vortex of Hope.

It's been another shoddy week in Britain and another harrowing one in the former United States of America, where I am joined by Hari Kondabolu.

Hari, always seems to be a particularly happy week when you're on.

Is that your fault or just the country you live in and the planet on which it and you are currently located?

I think it's your fault to be perfectly honest.

Oh, my fault, bro.

You find the worst weeks when things are absolutely.

It's like that's your way of getting revenge.

Like, ah, this wouldn't have happened if we never left.

If you didn't kick us out, this wouldn't be happening right now.

So

Trump's president.

Trump gets impeached.

Whatever is terrible, that's when you have me on.

Well, I mean, it could be any week at the moment, to be honest.

Yeah, that's fair.

From an altogether different hemisphere, another part of the world.

A part of the world, in fact, that Britain, after seeing the way America was heading and thinking, I think we'll leave that one, said, Let's have another go

from Australia.

Tom Ballard.

Hello, Andy.

Squirrel Lives Matter.

It is a pleasure to be with you.

And I think what the world needs right now is jokes from a white guy in Australia.

So it's a pleasure to be here to help the world heal.

Yeah, good.

That's very much

why I've got you on, to balance out my white guy jokes from Britain as well.

So we are recording on the 5th of June 2020.

On this day in 1956, Elvis Presley played his new single Hound Dog on the Milton Burle Show.

He scandalised the audience with his suggestive hip movements and it was a slippery slope really.

The hip waggling of the king of rock and roll led directly to the discovery of sexual intercourse sometime in the early 1960s, 1963 I believe to be precise, and the subsequent surge in global population resulting from that because it proved a far more efficient form of procreation than previous techniques of prayer, witchcraft, storks, and sculpture.

Anything else that happened in the 50s that might be relevant today, Andy, or that's pretty much it?

No, just that.

Just that.

That's all.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week.

We have more lockdown podcasts that have recently been released, including a lot of people feeling a lot of worry and tension at the moment, and podcasts are tapping into that market.

There's a new podcast for hypochondriacs with an interest in earthenware ceramics.

That's called Terracotta Warriors.

Then there's the Fluster Cluck, which is a show that tells you how to get through a concerning period personally, nationally, or globally, with chicken therapy by pretending to be a chicken or other clucky bird, which can reduce tension by anything up to 2.3%.

The Fluster Cluck has top tips from celebrities and chicken aficionados such as lifestyle guru and feather designer Brilliance Clayhorn, self-proclaimed YouTube expert Yoki Q, and Broody Bryan, the former mascot for the Chattanooga Chickens, a very minor league baseball franchise.

Also new this week, Abe and Len's Dead Men Talking.

That's a computer-generated deep fake buddy chat between former US President Abraham Lincoln and celebrity Commie Lennin as they chew the Beyond the Grave card with great historical figures.

This week, Cleopatra.

Also new, If These Walls Had Ears, episode one of a radical interior decoration show, in which Hoveman Improvement TV star Jemima Ann Krabler, installation artist Granick Par12 and corpse plastination anatomist Gunter von Hagens are let loose in people's houses with spectacular if often nauseating results.

Look out for episode two if that ceiling had a nose.

Episode three how much is that kidney in the window?

And episode four well what part of the body would you use as a door handle then?

And also

and also new show post-war French songs and healthy salads crossover podcast called Non Je Vina Gret Real.

Also Andy, sorry, can I just ask

when you're writing this stuff, do you have like a TV on in the background that you can look over and see what's happening in the world that you then ignore to go back to writing sections of the bugle?

Because there's some shit going down out there.

I'm just

gonna check.

I know, I find that the heavier the shit going down,

the further I need to get away from it.

It's the classic British response.

Also, in the bin, a free bugle test, track and trace device.

If you can't wait for your government to belatedly come up with a functioning COVID tracking system to shoot the viral horse long after the door is bolted, then the Bugle's free test track trace scheme could be for you.

Test whether you have the virus by holding an orange to your ear.

If you hear the sound of gunfire or golf, you're ill.

Track, build a model train set out of odd bits of stuff you found lying around during lockdown.

That should take you a couple of weeks, thus keeping you out of circulation quite effectively and preventing you from spreading the virus.

And trace everywhere you go, carry a sound system and play the song Honky Tonk Badonka Donk by country singer Trace Adkins.

People will stay well over two meters away from you.

This system is actually considerably more effective than the one recently unveiled by the British government.

Free from the bugle, also in the bin.

Top story this week, and we're going with a signs that would in more sensible times be seen as an obvious omen from Angry Gods News.

The world's largest free-flying American flag has been ripped to shreds by a storm.

The 670-meter-squared stars and stripes that previously resided on a 103-meter-high flagpole outside the Acuity Insurance Building in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, was ripped to shreds by

a storm, as I said.

It was de-striped and starbuncled by 70 mile-an-hour winds.

And experts have claimed that had this happened in previous times of obvious divine fury, it would have merited, quotes, at least five to ten verses of an Old Testament chapter or equivalent.

Hari, I mean,

how much more symbolic could a flag destruction get?

Well, let me first say that the thunderstorm has been banned from the NFL.

God, if there is a God figure,

he's pretty angry.

We've really fed things up.

Martin Luther King once said the arc of the moral universe bends toward justice.

But I ask you, Andy, how long?

How long

is this arc?

Right.

I mean, it's possible that it bent slightly too far and is now veering further and further away from justice.

Right, as arcs so often do.

Right.

Arcs do not have eyes or a great sense of direction.

No, otherwise they'd be lines, straight lines.

It's a bit homophobic, that one, but fair enough.

Oh, just let it go for a minute, Tom.

Haven't you?

Sorry.

Sorry, Andrew.

I'm delighted about all the news, Harry, because I applied for a green card lottery visa to the U.S., and I find out whether that comes through tomorrow.

And I think if it does go through, I just can't wait to get over there because you guys look like you need a good laugh.

And

I really think that I could be the thing to bring your country together and sort everything out.

So fingers crossed, you know?

Well, I have been saying for quite some time the one thing that could unify this country is the beating of white immigrants.

So

that seems to appease all sides.

There has been some protests that came in the aftermath of the killing of George Floyd by a police officer who knelt on his neck for almost nine minutes in yet another needless self-inflicted American tragedy.

America seems almost constitutionally addicted to self-inflicted tragedy.

But

we've we've seen protests with some brutally heavy-handed policing, people just shoved to the ground, tear gassed without any

provocation.

What's the,

I mean,

how are you dealing with this

as an American, I guess, fan of peace and progress?

We can focus on the negative right now, but I'm going to start by focusing on some of the positive aspects of the protest.

They have been packed despite all these different fears.

They've been packed a variety of human beings, black, white, Asian, gay, straight, priests, teachers, undercover cops, many different types of people sharing a space.

People of many different shades and COVID statuses,

all in one place.

But hopefully by the end, we will truly all be equal since we will all have coronavirus.

I mean, you know, the protests, like I mentioned, the protests and the subsequent violence and looting has led to increased police presence, but

that gave the police a chance to make amends, right, to redeem themselves after, you know, a couple of centuries of brutality.

And in response, the police around the country, pretty universally,

has

they've shot rubber bullets into crowds, blinding several people they've tased people tear gas people beaten them i saw a video this morning of an old man being pushed by nypd and then having his head cracked open uh also they've stopped people on bicycles and cars heading home after state mandated curfews they were dragged out of their cars or taken off their bikes beaten with clubs tased sometimes shot at and arrested.

Now my question is, how does this protect people currently?

I don't really understand this particular safety method.

It feels like it's doing the opposite of what it was intended to do.

It's almost as if the police have been caught on tape repeatedly killing people unjustifiably and have never dealt with consequences from our justice system.

It's almost as if nothing will happen to them.

Well, um, I mean, there are do seem to be yeah a lot there's not a lot of talk about you know a few bad apples in the barrel i mean they there do seem to be a f ⁇ of a lot of bad apples albeit that it is an absolutely massive barrel 800,000 or so police officers in in in the USA I mean and it's it's not helped by you know for example your president highlighting the the looting and the violence to try to discredit and disparage the broad protest movement and belittle or deflect from the fundamental issues behind it.

That to me makes as much sense as saying, well, I thought Brazil played a brilliant game in that 2014 World Cup semifinal with Germany because they happened to score one goal at the end.

It somewhat ignores the seven goals Germany scored before the bigger, more relevant picture.

I mean, how is there any solution to this issue of

policing in America?

It's really hard as an outsider, I'm sure you find this as well, Tom, to sort of understand

this issue.

And obviously it goes back decades.

One thing people have talked about is defunding the police, lowering their budgets, using that for more preventative strategies such as after-school programs and schooling.

Joe Biden actually had a very interesting proposal, which was that the police should shoot people in the legs.

Right.

So

it doesn't really fix the problem.

What it does is it just has the cops shooting people lower in ways that will still hurt them, but might not kill them.

And as other people have pointed out, it's a very democratic party thing to do.

We don't want to piss everybody off, so we'll skew to the middle.

Police like killing people, citizens don't like being killed.

We need to find an in-between position.

Let the police shoot, but not kill.

Hori, how are people reacting to the looting that we've seen?

Well, white Americans are particularly upset about this and have repeatedly on social media and in person have asked black people, is this what Martin Luther King would do?

A man of peace.

A couple of points to this.

First of all, Martin Luther King said a riot is the language of the unheard.

I know it's not the I Have a Dream single that he's known for.

It is a bit of a B-side.

But still, I think

it was a hit in South Africa.

Second point, MLK did speak of nonviolence, and then white people shot and killed him.

So I don't know if we can really, you know, as white people, I don't think white people can really have the moral high ground on this.

They

should have shot him in the leg, I reckon, Harry.

Yeah,

that would have been the democratic solution.

The classic compromise.

Between shooting someone and not shooting someone, shooting someone in somewhere different.

I mean, it is.

Rich people loot too.

It just looks different.

Like, poor people are breaking into department stores and taking TVs.

Like, rich people, what is disaster capitalism in New Orleans and Puerto Rico?

The increased respirator costs because states are forced to bid against each other.

Bernie Madolph,

apparently, it's only looting if you steal less than $500

and actually put in some physical labor.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, looting, economics, you know, it's

very much how you define it.

And thank you very much for not referring to the British Museum in that little bit, Harry.

Yeah.

Colonialism, fine, but Nike, not so much.

Oh, but while we're on that, I will say that, you know, black people were literally looted.

Yes.

That's all.

I just wanted to say that.

And on that subject, thanks also to Spike Lee, who interviewed by the BBC this week, outlined some of the s slight flaws in the history of the USA that contribute to the current situation.

He said the land was stolen from native people, genocide was committed against the native people, and ancestors were stolen from Africa and brought here to work.

So the foundation of the United States of America is genocide, stealing land and slavery.

And he did not mention Britain by name name once.

Thank you, Scott.

Thank you.

You are a hero in this country.

Much appreciated.

Truly, this is an Andy Zulzmann joint that you're listening to, everybody.

Donald Trump has been leading from the front, as always.

Sorry, not leading from the front, leading from in front of his computer screen, tweeting shit.

One of the most extraordinary things, even by his standards, tear gassing a peaceful protest so he could walk to church to waggle a Bible around in front of cameras, That was, that was really, I mean, that was almost a piece of performance art, wasn't it?

I mean, he was legally allowed to do it.

There's Amendment 2, subsection 424, the right to clear streets with noxious substances, if you want to waggle a Bible around in front of a church.

So it is constitutionally

allowable.

But it did strike me, and I'm not a God-fearing man, as I've made clear on this podcast over the years, and also that is an entirely mutual feeling.

God is not a Zoltman-fearing deity.

But when Trump held that Bible aloft, that was surely another moment to prove that God either does not exist or is at best on an extended sabbatical or maybe has swung back right wing in his old age after a brief dalliance with hippie-ish benevolence some time ago.

If he was on form and in existence, then surely the spire on the church behind Trump would have transformed into a middle finger and

the clouds would have formed into the words, you can hold it, now try reading it.

Also, I mean, Trump only posed in front of the church after it was reported that he hid in an underground bunker, as all dictators do at some point.

Some people loved it, though.

I'll tell you who loved it, is the evangelicals, right?

A lot of people watch this.

They describe Trump's stunt as a Jericho walk, which refers to the biblical book of Joshua, where God commanded the Israelites to walk seven times around the opposing city of of Jericho, whose walls then came crashing down.

And if there's one activity Donald Trump is enthusiastic about, it's wall demolition.

No!

He loves walls.

If a bunch of Mexicans tried any of that Battle of Jericho shit at the U.S.

border, Trump would get Mad Dog Maddest to send in the Marines and shove those trumpets up their mariachis.

What the f are you talking about?

There were some evangelicals who loved the whole Bible thing where he's in front of the church.

They said that he was wearing wearing the armor of God,

which is a very weird thing to call Mel Spanks.

That was crazy.

I mean, surely if there is an armor of God, it kind of begs the question: why didn't God send some of that armor in the direction of his one and only son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, to protect him from Andy Zaltzman's ancestors?

I mean, surely that would have helped.

He was guilty.

Time don't need to say it.

For Trump to pose for a a photo of the Bible is like me wearing a band cricket now shirt.

It is

absolutely unacceptable.

As always, you know, we don't know, it's easy to pass comment on misreadings of the Bible, but the recently rediscovered gospel, according to St.

Alvin, perhaps gives some justification for Trump.

And this I read from Alvin chapter 14, verse 5 and following.

And Jesus did say unto Peter, Let us go unto the temple, for there I must speak unto my people.

But Lord, said Peter, there is verily a great multitude blocking the road to the temple.

Wherefore so, Peter?

asked Jesus, for he knew not wherefore or so.

I am not entirely sure, respondeth Peter, to be honest, boss, but it sounds like they might be complaining about the quality of the fish finger sandwiches you fed them last week.

What?

retorted Jesus.

They were fucking free.

Some people are never fucking satisfied.

Assuredly, Lord, they were a bit rank, added Andrew.

I spent three days in, shall we say, eruptive abdominal turmoil, Lord.

Anyway, demanded Jesus, can't we get these people out of the way?

I've got a new parable I want to try out about a man who won big at the casino and bought everyone a round of drinks.

And Peter did ask, well, how should we move the people who are in the way, Lord?

And Jesus replied, I can turn that pigeon into a tear gas canister.

That would shit a gun from them, bastards.

Or maybe we could get Simon to charge at them on an armoured donkey.

And Simon did say, f yeah, let me at him.

And Jesus did say, always love your enthusiasm, Simon, top work.

And Jesus did see Thomas tentatively raising his arm and Jesus did say, not now, Thomas, not now.

There we are.

Amen.

Calvin.

Amen.

Calvin 5.14.

A reporter did ask him, is that your Bible?

And he replied, it's a Bible.

Which really is something that someone would say if they just looted and stolen a Bible.

But I think the greatest question was someone was asking, Mr.

President, what are your thoughts right now?

And Donald Trump replied, We have a great country.

That's my thoughts.

Which could be the most American response to a question ever given.

It's a simplistic nationalism that doesn't mean anything, it blatantly disregards reality, and it is grammatically offensive.

We have a great country, that's my thoughts, is everything you need to know about the United States of America in this morning.

Sorry, E.

pluribus Unum, you had a good run.

The new official motto for this fading superpower is: we have a great country.

That is my thoughts.

Write it on the tombstone, RIP America 1776 to 2020.

We have a great country.

That is my thoughts.

It's the new Gettysburg address.

Trump has essentially threatened to deploy the military on his own people

in

what what would generally be described as strong man politics and strongman politics of course generally means unbelievably weak man politics.

Harry are you are you excited about because you pay all your taxes for the military and generally you don't actually get to see them do their stuff

a long way away.

You think, am I getting value here as a taxpayer?

Or actually see them

apply to get direct usage out of it if you're out there on the streets.

That must be quite rewarding for you, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, it's great.

I'm like, what are the newest missiles?

What does a nuclear attack look like up front?

You know, it's interesting how

people have different leaders that they follow.

You know, JFK or Lincoln, some, say, Churchill.

You know, you have these different figures that you look up to as a leader.

I didn't think Bashar would be one of them.

You know, the military on his own peep, that

is the kind of leadership I'm looking for.

I mean, again, he's following the dictator's handbook to a T.

Once he cancels the election and starts wearing military uniforms, we're in a full-on dictatorship.

And all I have to say is finally the much-needed change to our political system we have been asking for for decades.

Trump claimed he was an ally of all peaceful protesters, continuing a long and proud tradition of white people identifying as allies of people of color and then immediately calling the cops.

It's a dance as old as

Trump's threatened to send to the military, which I think is a great solution.

I think, as we all know, Andy, when you send the American military into a place, that place gets better.

Okay?

Truly, the U.S.

military is the hydroxychloroquine of foreign policy.

It is the cure for whatever ails you.

And if you want to convince me that sending in U.S.

troops only makes things worse, I'm sorry, my friend.

You're going to have to provide me with upwards of 35 examples and nothing less.

It's just like premium Trump logic.

We have a problem with cops.

What should we do?

More cops.

Not just cops, the military who are like the f ⁇ ing maxi cops.

Multi-cops!

He also said he was committed to prosecuting all those who threaten innocent life and property.

So presumably that means anyone is welcome to threaten guilty life, aka a significant large proportion of the American police force, and guilty property.

And I say thank you, President Trump.

After lockdown, there are a shitload of jeans that are guilty of not fitting me anymore.

And now with your permission, I'm going to bash the fk out of them.

He's also been putting out threats via Twitter too, tweeting earlier in the week, when the looting starts, the shooting starts.

Which is delightful.

I think if we're going to have fascism in America, let's make it rhyme.

Yeah?

When the looting starts, the shooting starts.

If the social order is rocking, cops will come and knocking.

When revolution begins, we'll shove you in the bin.

When hundreds of thousands of distressed and oppressed working-class people have finally had enough of centuries of state-sanctioned violence and economic exploitation and collectively rise up in righteous anger to demand nothing less than justice and equality, the shooting starts.

I mean, no one doesn't rhyme, but I still think it tracks.

That's blank verse.

You can do anything in poetry, isn't it?

Former Defence Secretary Jim Mattis' Mattis, as the aforementioned mad dog,

has

come out really strikingly strongly against Trump.

He left the administration a couple of years ago, but has largely kept his counsel since then.

He said this week, Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people, does not even pretend to try.

We are witnessing the consequences of three years without mature leadership.

Now, for any listeners to the bugle for whom English is not a first language, that is a very polite way of calling someone a total.

How much impact has this intervention by Mattis

had in

the debate?

Harry?

I mean, at this point, I don't think it's going to have a huge amount of impact until we have the military coup I've been asking for for three years.

We have not had a military coup in this country.

We need it, right?

Because once we have a military coup, it'll be a lot easier for all of us to get the refugee status we need to go to other countries.

I like Trump's.

Trump certainly didn't read the response.

He was probably told Mattis said something, and he responded by saying that Mattis was the most

overrated general.

What a great history channel documentary that was.

Or at least a BuzzFeed list.

Who's ranking generals?

Where is the general ranking?

Also, you hired him.

What do you mean?

He's so overrated.

Why did you hire him?

I'm not a fan of Mattis.

I'm sure I'll take any criticism of Trump from any leader at this point, but let's just really think about this guy.

I I mean, as you say, and he said he's the first, Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people, suggesting that Mattis was indeed literally born yesterday.

Now, he was, in fact, born in 1950, meaning that his lifetime has featured several U.S.

presidents who divided the American population.

For example, all of them.

Now,

he was leading U.S.

Marines in the assault on Fallujah.

Okay, that's how psychotic Trump's response to this situation is.

Even war criminals with the nickname mad dog are going, settle down, dude.

Take it down, adults.

Just a bit of background.

In 2004, Mattis was on a panel discussing the lessons to be learned from the Iraq war, and he said, actually, it's a lot of fun to fight.

It's fun to shoot some people.

You go to Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil.

Guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway, so it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them.

Mattis then proceeded to pull two pistols out of holsters on his belt, shoot them repeatedly into the air, air, yelling yee-ha!

And making no effort to hide the fact that he clearly had an erection.

He's a wild guy.

He was also, when speaking to a group of soldiers about how to behave in Iraq during a 2003 speech, he said this: Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.

Which is great advice if you're a soldier in Iraq, or indeed just in life, interacting with friends and families, or doing satirical podcasts.

Remember, Andy, I have a plan.

Just never let me down.

That's all I say.

Just never let me down as a life motto.

Mattis continued.

At the same time, we must remember Lincoln's better angels and listen to them as we work to unite.

And I think Donald Trump once owned a strip club called Better Angels.

Mattissey sort of wrapped up the statement by saying, only by adopting a new path, which means, in truth, returning to the original path of our founding ideals, will we again be a country admired and respected at at home and abroad?

So, interesting tactic there.

In order to be admired and respected in the future, America should be more like it was way back in the past.

That is some sweet, sweet mad dog advice, Jimmy.

I hate to break your heart, man.

The only way America is going to be admired and respected at home and abroad anytime soon is by wearing a giant pair of Groucho Marks glasses and using a very convincing Canadian accent.

Well, I mean, it is

building up to a fascinating election in November.

And, well, I think what we've learned about democracy in recent years around the world, especially in systems that don't require a majority of voters, is that democracy does not give people what they want.

It gives people what they fail to vote against.

And we are seeing that played out in harrowing terms in America at the moment.

I was really shocked about the global response to this.

The fact that all over the world, in in a variety of cities with different populations people marched in solidarity with what's happening in the u.s regarding police brutality the thing i'm shocked most about

is that people did this despite the fact that we would never do that for them we would never march for another country's issues we don't know other countries issues at no point since mandela

we haven't done a goddamn thing honestly Syria would have been a good march.

Libya could have had a good march.

What's happening in Hong Kong, that's a good march.

None of it.

So, again, another example how the rest of the world really thinks America is cool and is willing to support its causes just so

we like them.

I mean, there really has been a global response.

I'm going to a protest in Australia tomorrow.

I mean, we do have

our own wacky issues when it comes to race and policing ourselves.

Just this week, a video came out of a New South Wales police officer slamming an Indigenous boy's face right into the concrete.

He's being arrested, kicks his legs out from underneath him, slams his head right into the concrete there.

And the New South Wales Police Commissioner defended the officer, claiming that the officer had a bad day.

Whom among us, Andy, when having a bad day, hasn't swept out a young black kid's legs and smashed his face into the ground?

I mean, hey, we all hate Mondays.

I think it's understandable.

We all have bad days at work, even comedians.

I guess the main difference is when we have a bad day at work, Andy and Harry, we we're the ones to die.

Whereas, you know, when it comes to police, it's a different.

All right, tough to get jokes out of this.

But the police commissioner

thought that the officer shouldn't be treated too harshly, pointing out that he had a clean history.

That was the phrase he used.

This particular officer had a clean history, you know, just like Australia.

And

the police minister David Elliott defended the officer too, saying he was horrified by the language used by this Indigenous kid during the incident.

Wow, what a c face who fully sucks like an absolute dog cut.

More poetry.

It's been arguably the most poetic bugle we've ever had.

Historically racist statue news now and the Governor of Virginia Ralph Northam has announced that the statue of the Confederate General Robert E.

Lee in the city of Richmond will be removed.

The statue was unveiled in 1890, a quarter of a century after the Civil War ended.

Did it definitely end?

Are we absolutely sure that it did end?

On paper.

Right.

So, I mean, it's amazing how incendiary these these these statues are and it again it's something hard to I mean we have it in in britain here that you know we have statues in trafalgar square of people who got a little bit lively during our imperial phase as certain uh certain uh residents of india at the time might uh might might remember uh were they still alive um

but it's uh it does seem is it time is it time to move on now i mean even robert e lee who uh

even robert e lee himself was not a fan of these monuments he said that after the the war ended i think it wiser not to keep open the saws of war, but to follow the examples of those nations who endeavoured to obliterate the marks of civil strife to commit to oblivion the feelings engendered.

And yet 25 years later, they put up a statue of him that 130 years on is still a beacon for racists.

Is it time now to just melt down all these statues and turn them into giant puppies?

Because everyone loves puppies.

Would that not be a great symbol of unity?

Melt down all the Civil War statues and have a giant puppy in every town and city in America.

Hang on, what color are the puppies, Andy?

Exactly which?

How do they identify?

I love this story.

The controversial statue

will be put into storage as soon as possible, the governor said.

Why are you putting it into storage?

When are you planning to whip it out again?

Are you going to take it out of storage when America fixes racism?

No.

As Andy says, melt the statues down, turn them into toilets so African Americans can shit into them as much as possible.

There's your truth and reconciliation, people.

Hashtag black shits matter.

Come on.

I mean,

they lost.

They just have to come to terms with the fact they lost.

It's over.

Stop fighting the same war.

I sympathize.

I'm a Mets fan.

You know what I mean?

I know what it feels like to lose to the Yankees.

Come on.

That's a baseball Civil War joke.

Come on now.

Oh, no.

That was very good.

Thank goodness again.

Sport, history, and politics all in one.

That is Pete Bugle.

Also, just like the idea of

essentially from an enemy country that lost to war with the U.S., right?

That's what the Confederacy was.

You can't get away with that with any other war.

You know what I mean?

Like, we're not even in war with Iran, and Iranians can't even put their flags up because they know what would happen if they had their flags up on their porches.

They'd be killed or they'd be beaten up.

Iranians don't even call themselves Iranian.

They've been calling themselves Persian for like 40 years.

Everybody's been per and they say they're Persian because it sounds European, right?

It's like, hey, are you Iranian?

No, no, I'm Persian.

All right, somewhere in France then.

Other world news now, and the Boris Johnson government is massively in favour of huge amounts of immigration in a surprise turnaround from everything it's said and done during the course of its existence.

Boris Johnson has said that Britain will extend citizenship to up to three million Hong Kong citizens.

Hong Kong was a British colony until 1997 and the final phase in Britain's cack-handed dismantlement of its empire.

I say final phase.

I mean, at some point, we might accidentally sell Gibraltar to North Korea on eBay.

Let's not put it past us to just one last crack at the big time.

And with the current situation in Hong Kong, Johnson has made this offer of citizenship for up to three million people.

And in response, Nigel Farage said, Oh, for fuck's sake.

That's the joke.

That's all I got.

Well, on that happy note, it's time to bring this issue of the bugle to a close.

Thank you very much for listening.

Next week, we have a regular bugle.

Plus, on Saturday evening, British time, we will have the inaugural bugle live quiz.

Technology permitting.

Chris is looking mildly confident as I say that.

Now his head has gone fully into his hands.

I mean, I'm still waiting for an update on

what the rules and format are, but...

Oh, yeah, well.

Mere detail like that is not important.

Deadlines are a great motivator, Chris.

Let's get that.

Two weeks after that, we'll have another live stream Bugle, so the quiz on Saturday the 13th, a live stream Bugle on Saturday the 27th of June, and regular shows.

As well, anything you would like to alert our listeners to, gents?

Well, my

Netflix special, Warn Your Relatives, is still available.

They have not taken it off Netflix yet, which I'm assuming they will do at any time, even though though they made it.

And also,

W.

Kamau Bell,

Ahame Falay Jay Oluo, and I produced Dwayne Kennedy's debut album.

He's a legendary Chicago comedian, 30-plus years in the business, and we finally released his first full-length album called Who the Hell is Dwayne Kennedy?

And it's available on Spotify and Bandcamp and a bunch of other places.

So, if you want to buy it, buy it.

If you just want to listen to it, listen to it.

But

I think it's the best record of the year.

I produced it also.

Tom?

I have a podcast called Like I'm a Six-Year-old where I talk to people about their politics and about the state of the world.

There's not as many jokes as this one, but there's a lot of earnest feelings and solutions to all the problems.

So please check it out if you like.

There we go.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

We will play you out, as always, with some lies about our premium voluntary subscribers.

To join them with either a one-off or recurring donation to keep the bugle going and independent please go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button

Chris Laws believes you can predict the future based on the arrangements of oranges at market stalls.

He explains, it is all dependent on the placemental relationship between oranges with a bit of stalk still attached, oranges with no stalk, and oranges wrapped up in that funny paper that oranges are sometimes wrapped in.

I've not completely worked out what events are harbinged by what orange arrangements, continues Chris, but I know there's a correlation.

For example, in 2011, I saw five stalkless oranges in a row above five stalked, each row sandwiched by two wrapped, and, just a fortnight later, Colonel Gaddafi was killed.

So, well, that's all I'm saying.

Odd Magna Jordal disagrees and says that the best way of prognosticating what is to come in the universe is the ancient art of haruspacy, which largely involved poking around in the entrails of dead animals and guessing the future based on that.

Many people think the art of the haruspex is of no relevance in today's hyper-technologicalized world, says Odd Magna.

But I've played the stock markets based both on the advice of a guy named Cliff at the pub who claims he's got a system and by looking through the entrails of roadkill animals.

And, well, those dead badgers have made me a sweet fortune, whilst Cliff owes me several points.

Johan Thorne is not a fan of the horizon.

It's overrated bigtime, moans Johan.

I prefer places and come to think of it people who don't just keep running away when you approach them.

I would not trust the horizon as far as I could kick it, even though I don't know how far that is because it won't sit still like a good horizon.

Johan adds, and no wonder there was a load of compromising on the road to Glenn Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy Horizon.

It's a bloody long road.

Someone known only as Bagger has learnt two important lessons over the past 10 years.

One, do not use the phrase, they'll have your guts for garters when talking to someone you know has a tendency to take things a little too literally.

And two, do not buy a crocodile from a catalogue without reading the full item description first.

Bagger recalls, I had assumed it would be a toy.

And finally, Donaeus Dietz has been thinking about the least appropriate syllable in the English language, and has come to the conclusion that it is a close-run thing between the cute in execute, the few in funeral, the buy in heart bypass, the treat in treaty and the wreck in hysterectomy.

They all seem a bit callous really, says Donaeus, especially the cute in execute.

I think some of these words are long overdue, a bit of a freshening up, for everyone's sake.

Here endeth the lies.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.