Swede Dreams are Made of Trees - Bugle 4106

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome, whether you like it or not.

And if you've gone to the trouble of downloading this podcast, let's assume that you do like it to issue 4106 of the Bugle, the world's leading and only independent, listener-funded audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 29th of April 2019 we are recording on Friday the 26th of April I am Andy Zoltzman and I am here as is so often the case where I am and here this week specifically is London which in days gone by of course was known as London those days gone by include last Wednesday and Christmas 1828 my current pulse rate is let me check multiply that by 60 364 beats per minute and what what is making me so excited well it's having the two guests that i'm about to introduce to you on the bugle this week firstly joining me in the studio it's the bearded balthazara badinage and ishkumar

andy i would uh really appreciate you not quoting directly from my tinder profile

um hello andy hello buglers how you doing i'm uh i'm all right well i've had almost no sleep this week

other than that

Buglers should know that Andy has been taking on, I think, what he himself would admit would be the minimal amount expected from a father of two children this week, and it has left him absolutely destroyed.

Yeah, it's been a busy week with school.

And also,

my wife has today finished and handed in her doctoral thesis after

four years of study.

That's a genuinely big achievement.

It is, and it brings to the end a glorious period of my career when I could really, for once, feel like I was genuinely a showbiz superstar because I've been in my 40s and sleeping with a student.

By sleeping with, I really mean sleeping with.

So,

what have you been in the last

few weeks?

Well, you know, it's been the usual couple of weeks, Andy.

I was the subject of an op-ed piece in the Times newspaper for being too offensive for the Free Speech Awards.

So very much just business as usual.

I hosted the Free Speech Awards, thought that it being the Free Speech Awards, all bets were off.

But it turns out some bets were very on.

Very, very extremely on.

And describing the Daily Mail as a hate-filled shitrag turned out to be too much for several of the more sensitive members of the audience, one of whom was Matthew Paris, who wrote a big piece in the Times about what I am.

Right.

In those terms.

Viva free speech, Andy.

Viva free speech.

Unless you say something about someone I know, in which case, shut the f up.

I mean, I guess saying shut the f ⁇ up is free speech as well.

I guess it is.

It's like tennis, isn't it?

And now, joining us all the way from San Francisco, fresh from his bugle debut back in March, well, fresh-ish, a few weeks ago now, is the man whose name can trigger a Trump supporter on not one, but two different levels, NATO Green.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Nato.

Is it working?

Are we connected?

I think.

Are we in the future?

We are in the future.

We are in the future using the wondrous technology of the transatlantic yogurt pots.

Welcome back to the Bugle, NATO.

How have you been the last few weeks?

I've been fantastic.

I finally got a hold of the complete unredacted Mueller report

through secret channels.

I was able to read it.

It took me about a day.

I can report that every part that you saw publicly that had been redacted just said this motherfer.

I mean, it's very much what we all suspected, but, you know, is that enough to impeach?

I'm just not sure it is.

And I mean, just generally in America, any

the build-up to the 2020 elections continues.

I imagine the kids of San Francisco are absolutely beside themselves with excitement at Joe Biden standing,

announcing his running next year.

Well, I don't want Joe Biden to be president, but I would like him to give me a massage.

Right, okay.

Well, I I mean, the two so often go hand in hand.

We are recording on the 26th of April.

A belated happy birthday to my sister Helen, currently touring with the Illusionist Live Show in the Southern Hemisphere.

Do go and see if you're on that side of the planet.

Happy birthday also to former Bugle co-host, John.

How's that pronounced?

Oliver?

Irish, I think.

On we are, well, today is the 60th anniversary of this exact same day by coincidence in 1959 when there was a famous public punch-up in a Santa Monica bar between the Hollywood stars Marlon Brando and Mickey Mouse, after the latter defecated compulsively throughout a poker game, finally bringing Brando to breaking point when, for the 12th time, the Disney character said, Don't blame me, I'm a mouse.

That, of course, was the same debauched evening on which Goofy got a bit overexcited during a game of roulette and humped the Krupier's leg.

Celebrities lived by a different set of rules to the rest of us.

No offense, Nish.

On the 29th of April, so this is the week, Bugle for the Week beginning the 29th of April.

On the 29th of April 1945, Eva Brown, a woman whom I think it is fair to say had an at-best questionable taste in men, married her long-term boyf Adolf Hitler.

You could say that Eva Brown swiped right.

You could very much.

On this day, in 1945, Eva Brown did indeed swipe right.

The 29th of April.

And on the 30th of April, 1945, Eva Brown said her unforgettable final words, worst honeymoon ever.

As always,

some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week, a books section.

We're looking at some of the exciting new books that have recently come out, including J.M.

Stribble's new A Beginner's Guide to Misleadingly Titled Books, which is a fascinating insight into 14th century falconry.

So pretty much what you'd expect.

How to escape death by the late Brian Xerxes Granch, the unfinished chapter 12 on living alone at one with nature on a vegan diet in a mountain cave guarded only by a friendly crocodile is especially poignant.

We also reviewed 12 and other words that sound really weird when you think about it by Professor Flanstone Pledgeard, a lovely bit on the word flouting.

And a couple of sportobiographies including f that fence, reflections on a career in jump racing by the former Grand National winning horse Ballard Briggs.

And we have exclusive serialization rights to f ⁇ ing that fence.

Including this from Bala Briggs on his winning race in 2011.

We turned the corner.

Guess what?

Another f ⁇ ing fence.

Why not just cut these f ⁇ ing things down?

I asked Jason, who was sitting on me wearing a helmet, shouting something along the lines of run faster for f ⁇ k's sake.

He ignored me, as he so often did.

Well, if I had a f ⁇ ing helmet like you, I said, I wouldn't be so f ⁇ ing worried about falling over.

I jumped over the last of the 30 f ⁇ ing fences and ran as fast as as I could.

So I'd worked out that was the quickest way to make people climb off your back as a horse.

Everyone started cheering.

Not fing surprising.

Then had to just jump over 30 fing fences.

Shit, I thought.

I wish I'd been born a cow.

Very similar in tone to footballer Roy Keene's autobiography, actually, Andy.

Top story this week, the environment is being saved.

It's great news here.

Britain has been visited by the the 16 year old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg

who has basically made our politicians aware that the planet is

extraordinary reaction.

She was the girl who kicked off this wave of school climate protests that we've talked about before on the bugle and it was extraordinary seeing the reaction of our politicians.

She addressed a parliamentary committee and politicians were then kind of lining up to thank her for finally telling us that we did did need to do something about and it does raise the question why were we not told before about climate change why did this one 16 year old get privileged access to this secret information that even our senior political leaders were not aware of it's one of the great scandals of British politics

She's been much criticised by the right-wing commentariat in this country, by the sort of people who describe themselves as being classical liberals, which is a phrase that means I'm liberal, but but before the abolition of slavery.

And it's good to see that the Venn diagram between people who don't believe in the science on climate change and the people who are willing to publicly bully a child is, in fact, a circle.

She attracted criticism from Brendan O'Neill, who's a writer from Spiked magazine, who said she looked like a cult member with her monotone voice and look of apocalyptic dread in her eyes.

Spiked magazine is a magazine that apparently promotes free speech.

So let me use some of my free speech to tell Brendan O'Neill to go jump up his own ass and die.

And she's also been criticised by...

And we know he's a huge fan.

Imagine that.

He's also been criticised by Toby Young.

Now, NATO, to give you some context, Toby Young is the Lord Voldemort of rich white male privilege in that every time you think he's done, he comes back and he seems to plan to spend a lot of time being angry with a child.

Lord Voldemort is the most evil wizard in the world and his big plan was to kill a baby.

F ⁇ ing hell Voldemort.

Anyway, what are we talking about?

Planet's something like that.

Reading about Brendan O'Neill, it's hard to take a grown man seriously with basically his argument is that a girl made him feel bad by mentioning science.

Brendan O'Neill wrote this in this article.

Anyone who doubts that the green movement is morphing into a millenarian cult, just think as a cult that wears particularly nicely made hats.

Should take a close look at Gretelsenberg.

As you say, increasingly looks and sounds like a cult member with a monotone voice.

That is just all teenagers, Brendan.

All teenagers.

And obviously, I mean, not necessarily a cult, you might just have a dream of working as an announcer at a train station.

The look of apocalyptic dread in her eyes, the explicit talk of the coming great fire that will punish us for our eco-sins.

He highlighted this, and I guess that shows that these days there is a fine line, a fine and evidently hard-to-discern line between deranged member of a cult and someone who's vaguely up to speed on science.

Spiked magazine were in trouble a couple of months ago when it was revealed that they'd actually received a sum of money from the Koch brothers, NATO, your fellow countrymen, of course.

And what that basically means is they're a bunch of

nicely translated into

modern colloquial English.

Also, to be honest, in fact, this supposed look of apocalyptic dread in her eyes.

Presumably that's because she knows that by saying anything, people like Brendan O'Neill will write articles on that.

And also, to be absolutely fair to her, if she is looking at climate change science, she is looking at the apocalypse.

If I meet anyone under the age of 21 who does not have looked at apocalyptic dread in their eyes, I think they are off their rocker.

Oh, it's a cult.

Yeah.

A sinister cult that threatens to preserve our planet and everything everything we hold dear.

Terrifying.

Truly.

Weirdly terrifying.

But surely, guys, one of the prime defining features of cults is that they tend not to be supported by thousands and thousands of peer-reviewed scientific papers.

Yeah,

there's very few scientists that backed up the bug one from Wild, Wild Country.

Of all the things for teenagers to lecture us about,

the scientific evidence about the threats to the climate seem like, I would prefer that.

I don't know know if you've ever tried to listen to a teenager talk at length about how we don't really appreciate Nietzsche enough, but I'll take client science over that any day.

It's her visit here has been the sort of cresting of a wave of the last couple of weeks that included a mass protest by Extinction Rebellion, which is a large group of young people.

Sorry, I mean us.

I'm a cool young guy.

Sorry, granddads.

I'm about to skrillex a dubstep all over this Snapchat.

WikiWiki Wild Wild West.

There's been a lot of Skrillex references on Google recently.

I just Googled this the word.

Hairy is Skrillex paying you for product placement?

Yeah.

Extinction Rebellion is a group that describes itself as a movement that uses non-violent civil disobedience to bring issues on climate change to the fore, and they say they want radical change to minimize the risk of human extinction and ecological collapse.

I'm so self-interested.

Well, to that I say, get back to to San Francisco in 1967, you fing hippies.

Minimize the risk of human extinction.

Well, let's light up a doobie and sing some Dylan round a campfire, you stinking beatnik.

Jesus.

I saw a headline in the Independent that said,

Extinction Rebellion climate change protesters glue themselves to the London Stock Exchange, which I understood to mean naked climate change protesters glue their own clothes to the London Stock Exchange.

It's quite a good way of protesting to glue yourself.

I said there is no more potent protest than anything that involves the exposing of a Peterson testicles.

There is nothing anyone wants to see less than a hippie ball sack.

Well, that was

that from the newspaper.

I mean, we didn't miss Easter last week.

That was actually a quote of one of the pharaohs when he insisted Jesus pop a loincloth on while he was up on the crucifix.

When did the pharaohs get into that?

Oh, the pharaohs, sorry.

Sorry.

Listen, I'm a little behind on my Bible studies.

Fair enough.

You're an even worse Jew than me.

Oh, I found my poster quote for my next door show.

Anyway,

I guess Jesus would.

He probably would have glued himself had the technology been there.

Instead, obviously nails

were the option

to make his point.

God, we're all kind of hell.

We are.

We are.

And I mean, if you think climate change is bad here, wait till you see what is going on there.

Way above pre-industrial levels.

At one point many years ago,

I was arrested for blockading a bank

with a bunch of activists, among other things, about Wells Fargo's financing of

private prisons and rainforest destruction.

And we had locked the bank entrances and the police came and said, look, we understand what you're trying to do, but we need to clear you out of here because if there's a fire and earthquake, people won't be able to evacuate the building if you've locked the doors.

And we said,

if there's a fire and earthquake, we're going to get the f ⁇ out of here on our own.

You won't need to ask.

I couldn't deal with the irony of the headline, Occupy Wall Street literally crushed under the collapsing banking system.

It was World Earth Day on Tuesday.

Of course.

Happy World Earth Day, guys.

This week, Donald Trump issued a statement in which he failed to mention climate change.

I mean, fair enough.

It's like when a friend or family has a really bad illness.

You don't want to keep banging on about it all the time.

Said

these words, environmental protection and economic economic prosperity go hand in hand.

Which is true, like a child and a kidnapper.

And also,

a strong market economy is essential to protecting our critical natural resources and fostering a legacy of conservation.

And that may be true, but the strong market economy doesn't have the greatest track record.

No,

it's not.

Unless there's a deleted seed in the film Wall Street, where Gordon Gecko goes on a carbon offsetting mission to South America.

Trump internally often ahead of the curve on science, to be fair to him.

Earlier this month, he shared the news that the noise from wind turbines causes cancer.

A discovery that had eluded every single medical expert in the world.

But noise from wind turbines can...

So please, kids, if you're listening to this, stay away from noisy wind turbines for your own good.

It might seem cool.

I know there's a lot of peer pressure to hang around under wind turbines, but please stay safe.

Please, for the love of God, stay in small enclosed spaces and smoke your delicious cigarettes to avoid cancer.

In other Nafi World Leaders news,

Donald Trump's former friends

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un,

they've been meeting each other.

Kim Jong-un

taking the train

shows how devoted he is to saving the environment.

And I I d I'm not quite sure exactly what what they've been talking about.

Vladimir Putin presumably taking some time out from his extremely hectic schedule of watching Western democracy tear itself apart, giggling and saying, God, this is going well.

Europe's Thanos.

I'd imagine they were mostly talking about what's going on at the World Snooger Championships, as well as the Pucking on Fortnite, Flossing and Girls.

But

Nish, I mean, where do you see this Kim Putin summit in the grand scheme of things?

Well, listen, it's the alien versus predator of geopolitics.

It's not an ideal scenario to have those two together.

Even less ideal, according to a report of the meeting by the Independent newspaper, there were several bottles of champagne being seen wheeled into the meeting.

And this is a direct quote from the paper.

A shiny-faced and often slurring Mr.

Putin was happy to emphasise his point.

Did they just get pissed together?

Did they just get shit-faced?

Is that necessarily a bad thing?

Is that not what the world needs?

I mean, how many world wars did Boris Yeltsin start?

And I mean, I reckon Yalta was

absolute mayhem.

Oh, yeah.

Stalin looks like he could put a few away.

And I mean, let's face it, he was going up against Churchill, who is the Stalin of mass alcohol consumption.

I'm just not sure you're winning Matthew Parrish back with him, Matt.

Churchill liked to trot.

He used to drink half a bottle of whole Roger with lunch.

Look, I mean, the Kim Putin summit makes sense to me.

Kim Jong-un met with Donald Trump and then he said, let me speak to your manager.

You say he's taking his complaint higher up the food chain.

Right, let me talk to someone who has actual decision-making authority.

It said that at the end of their meeting, they were serenaded by a Cossack choir as they tucked into beetroot soup and reindeer dumplings.

And if those two are trying not to appear like super villains, can I suggest that they don't literally eat Rudolph and then eat the only food stuff that turns your stool into a vampire's punch bowl?

Didn't reindeer dumplings get paid £200,000 for a non-disclosure agreement by Trump during the

presidential campaign.

I'm not drawing any conclusions.

The coverage of it has been so, so weirdly shallow.

The Time magazine article about the summit, I can't remember, it was a Time or Newsweek.

Basically, the entire thing, it went through,

there was man spreading.

The both of them took turns spreading their legs very wide as they were sitting together.

It mapped out the unanalyzed the body language of how they shook hands compared to how Kim and Trump shook hands.

They talked about Kim as a heavy breather.

It just, it really, what it was conveyed is that, at least in the United States, our entire foreign correspondent press corps does not speak either Korean or Russian and therefore cannot intelligently cover anything other than body language of foreign dignitaries.

Or is the situation that the journalists also got shit-faced and were trying to panic and file something based on some photos they googled the next morning?

Google image search, reindeer dumpling.

A nice angle on this

summit.

Kim Jong-un turned up in an armored luxury Daimler limousine.

And the German car manufacturer Daimler has said it has no idea where he got this car from.

So

has he been e-baying vintage cars?

Yeah, either that or he's a surprise guest in a now deleted episode of Pimp My Ride.

I would guess that Kim Jong-un just figured out how to

turn one of his labor camps into a knockoff Daimler factory and was like, look,

your intellectual property laws don't work in my country.

If you want to sue me for copyright infringement, give it a shot.

In other people ignoring the massive weight of scientific evidence news now, it has emerged, according to UNICEF, that more than half a million children in the UK missed out on the measles vaccine between the years 2010 and 2017.

This has been blamed on a mixture of the difficulty of getting a GP appointment and anti-vaccination propaganda online.

This is Britain at its best, Nish.

This is delusional propaganda and government underfunding.

That is what we do.

Keep calm and carry on with your measles.

Obviously, as we've already touched on in this show...

in the earlier section, one of the great human skills we have as a species that elevates us above the beasts is the ability to take the obviously fraudulent claims of a lone tool or or a small group of tools and fools, weigh them up against the combined intellectual heft of the world's greatest scientific minds, supported by years, decades, centuries even of laboratory and empirical research and progress, consider the various merits of their respective arguments, and conclude, Yeah, let's go with the guy standing on a rubbish bin wearing a luminous jock strap and shouting at traffic.

He seems to know what he's talking about.

I like the cut of his jib.

I mean, you're not far wrong with that description of an characterization of an anti-vaxxer, because one of the most prominent ones is Rob Schneider, star of the film, Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigalo.

Not just that.

Of course, everyone would want to listen to medical advice from Jenny McCarthy, the actress from MTV in the 90s.

I don't know about you, but I floss because David DuCovney told me to.

So that's just how I go about my day.

At least with ignoring warnings on the environment.

I mean, there's obvious benefits in that economically.

We can all have a blast now.

Lots of fun to be had.

Who doesn't enjoy cars, cars, flying somewhere nice in a big old plane, eating the old cow here and there, wearing a funky new shirt imported from the other side of the world, and then burying it in the ground after wearing it once so that no one can steal your inimitable style, not freezing to death in winter, and burning effigies of the environment for threatening our way of life.

All those things are fun, but anti-vaccination, I don't see the sense in that.

You know, I love my kids, but I think I'd love them even more if I exposed them to a dangerous illness.

It will make our bonds stronger.

Yeah, it's

it's listen, it's it's hard to not read stories about anti-vaccination and not think we're fed and deservedly so

brexit update and uh well uh since we uh last recorded a show britain has been well studiously ignoring brexit over the easter break we've basically as a nation been presenting if we just shut our eyes uh and ignore it completely it will either a happen or b not happen uh delete according to your political preference

It's started to rear its idiotic variety of heads again in the last couple of days, essentially to sum up what's happened since then.

Same shit, same total lack of shit.

And the big curveball, Nish, is the EU elections coming up that we were supposed to be not participating in because we were supposed to have launched ourselves into our glorious new independent future.

And

the European elections, well, there's a certain, there's a few ironies flying around here.

Nigel Farage's new Brexit party looks set to do very well in elections for the thing they're explicitly set up to destroy.

Absolutely, yeah, the Brexit party.

Also, obviously we're leaving the EU to get back control of our democracy, but the EU elections have proportional representation.

It's basically the only chance you get to vote where your vote definitely counts for something.

But we're making ourselves more democratic by removing that option from our repertoire.

Yeah, Nigel Farage's gaggle of racists and fquits and both are

leading in opinion polls at the moment.

So we're going into the European elections pretty determined to elect a party who are trying to get us out of Europe and out of the post-industrial age.

Back where we belong.

Yeah, I think that's official policy.

It's just to restore feudal law to Britain.

You f ⁇ ing

I think they're trying to send the message that we don't want to sully our failed democracy with your failed democracy.

I'm really trying to understand

what the mood is of the British people.

Because when the Brexit vote happened in 2016,

what we heard is it wasn't that the voters definitely, specifically understood and wanted what they were voting for, but they just wanted to sort of tell like fancy pants elites that the people who think that they're in charge of the country are, in fact, a bunch of incompetent blowhards.

And, you know, mission accomplished.

So, like, like, can't the British people just declare victory and move on?

Like, it seems like, what

this is, you know, we've all politicians lie.

Why is this the one promise that politicians are like, no, where they could just say, we lied this, we lied again, like all the other times we lied, this is another lie.

We just said we were going to do something, we said we were going to make America great again, it's not going to happen.

Sorry, welcome to politics, you dummies, for believing me.

I feel like it's Brexit has become this like moment of reckoning where people are waiting for, are excited about this thing that is never coming.

I'm starting to think that Brexit might be the rapture.

And so,

Nich, I don't know

if you know this about me, but besides being a comedian, my other

job is I'm actually a professional labor union negotiator.

And so I sort of am trying to follow just it from the perspective of the craft of negotiating.

And so

here's my advice from Teresa May.

As I understand it, MPs have voted down a no-deal Brexit, a deal Brexit, and a deal, no Brexit.

And so the only option left to her is a no-deal, no Brexit.

I think that's the way forward.

Sherlock Holmes said, was it when you have when you've eliminated the impossible, you are left only with the fucking idiotic.

So, and her offer to resign if the MPs pass Brexit is sort of a high-stakes negotiating gamble on her part, that the MPs are more committed to hating her personally than they are committed to their fundamental political ideology of accomplishing f all.

Do I have that right?

Yeah, you have that.

Spot on.

It's amazing the insight you get as an outsider sometimes.

And so the Tory opponents of Teresa May, they want the option of the no confidence vote so that they can get rid of her, but they don't want to accept her offer to get rid of herself.

They want to push her onto her sword.

They don't want her to fall on her sort of our own volition.

They very much want to.

They want to stab her.

That's what I'm saying.

Film news now and Avengers Endgame

has opened in America, I believe.

I mean, I'm not much of a fan of the Avengers.

I think they're a bad example.

I'm waiting for the new comic book franchise, The Conciliators, to come out.

Proper role models for a more viable world.

NATO, you are our Hollywood correspondent, big as you are geographically in the same time zone as Hollywood.

Oh, I thought you were saying that I was the Hollywood correspondent'cause I'm a Jew.

Well, that was the subtext.

You don't have to say it out loud.

Nato, do you have any free time to teach Andy the basic tenets of your shared religion?

Because he is truly one of the worst Jews of all time.

Yeah, I mean, I don't even run showbiz.

Yeah, although I think I might mess it up a bit because I would probably lead with bacon.

I would probably lead with bacon and a Palestinian state.

So that might be a problem for some of our brethren.

So, yeah, I'm very excited to watch The Avengers.

I'm going to see it tomorrow.

At this point in my life, I am a middle-aged man,

which, so I am, but I'm still cool kids and into Skryrillix and whatnot, like we were discussing earlier.

But the way that I judge a movie at this point is how many times I get so excited by the action that I have to go pee.

And I am predicting Avengers Endgame will be a three-year-old movie for me.

I will report back later.

And it's one of those movies where, like, with these Marvel movies, I get so excited and I'm so wrapped up in them and I'm so invested.

And I also, as I watch them, think, don't think about this too much.

Like, the basic plot doesn't make any sense at all.

You know, there are these Infinity Stones.

We are told at some point in passing that they came from the Big Bang.

And no one is like, well, why would that be true?

You know, that doesn't make any sense.

And And then the infinity stones: there's the power, time,

energy, you know, there's all these different stones, but it seems like the reality stone, it seems like once you have the reality stone, the other four stones are redundant.

Like, once you can control reality,

what does it mean to also control time at that point?

And so

the theory was at the end of the last one is that Thanos killed half of all life

as a strategy of resource conservation to deal with scarce resources.

I think that was what Greta Thunberg was saying.

Yeah.

Great.

So Greta Thornberg is Thanos is the point.

And so at the end of the last film, half of all life, everybody dies.

And again,

a mathematician friend of mine pointed out that at a basic level, Thanos' math was wrong.

That

if what he's concerned concerned about is preserve is the ability of the food supply to sustain life, then killing half of all life in the universe wasn't enough killing because it would just rebound in 30 years.

So he needed to kill more people in order to have a longer growth curve, which is adorable and depressing.

But then as I watch the trailers get ready for it, it's like all this stuff of the Avengers saying, you know, we don't have to, you know,

we can't bring them back, but we can avenge them.

We can't take this.

And it just, it felt like the whole thing was a, it's a movie that has is built around the idea of grown men's inability to deal with grief.

So rather than just accepting, like, do you know what I mean?

Like that they're going to go fight Thanos and kill themselves rather than being sad about having lost their friends.

You know, like if Thanos had been an asteroid that had killed all life instead of a guy who clicked his fingers.

And then the next Avengers movie was Captain America saying, I'm going to go punch that asteroid.

We would recognize it as a stupid plan and just encourage Captain America to take up writing some sad poetry and singing the blues, you know, go to Guatemala, do some backpacking, find himself, try ayahuasca, you know, the whole, all the things that we all do when you're grieving.

But instead, because it's a guy and not like the inevitability of death, Captain America gets to act out his bad judgment.

And get in touch with your feelings.

Well, Nate, I'm here to tell you that you are not even the most pathetic Avengers fan on this podcast because I have in fact seen Avengers Endgame because I went to a screening at 7 a.m.

yesterday morning.

I went to a screening with four of my friends who between us have a combined age of 183

at 7 a.m.

because it was the earliest possible screening that we could get tickets for that also allowed all of us to go together in a move that my mother described as, quotes, truly pathetic.

So,

and did you,

were you able to use that on dating apps subsequently?

I've updated my bio accordingly.

Well, that brings us towards the end of this week's bugle.

It's been a great pleasure to have Nato back on the show.

Nato, thanks very much for doing it.

Have you got any shows or anything you'd like to plug to our listeners while you're here?

I would be glad to.

My new comedy album, The Whiteness Album, is available wherever comedy can be streamed and downloaded.

Please check that out.

And I will be at the San Francisco Punchline May 9th, 10th, and 11th.

There we go.

Well, Nish, thanks very much for coming back on and

a bit of respite from your own pitch battles with the distinguished journalists of this nation.

Oh, fing hell.

Who am I going to upset

That is the title of your new TV show.

As we approach the end of the show, it is time for what has now become an unstoppable tradition of bugle shows.

The lies about our voluntary subscribers.

If you wish to contribute to the Bugle and its continued independence and thrivingness, please go to thebuglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

There are various options there to give as much or as little as you see fit, as often or as unoffen unoffen as you want.

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Until next week, goodbye.

Chris, strike up the band.

Andrew McAninch eks out a meagre living as a Patsy Hendren impersonator, an impressive feat given that the 1920s England cricket star enjoys little recognition amongst the younger generation today.

An anonymous donor, initials JB, once crossed a road to avoid talking to Sean Connery, just in case he gave away the plot of the next Bond movie.

Kevin Peterson, not that one, had to dissuade a friend from opening a commercial iguana farm, saying, they're just not as tasty as you say they are.

A further anonymous donor, initials L-O-D, can balance a 1930s Vincent Rapide motorbike on his chin, whilst Ian Thatcher, when asked which two historical figures he would invite for dinner, chose Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth just to see the looks on their respective faces.

Jeremy Ackerman Yost has only ever written with one pencil for the past 52 years.

He plugs it into a lump of coal every night to recharge.

Marcelo Hamuth once drilled a hole in the floor of his car so he could easily look downwards to see if he was still on the road or had driven off a cliff.

Anonymous Zoner, by the pseudonym the Mar-a-Lago Club, is about to launch a new vegan-friendly big game hunting business in which customers can hunt down the great animals of Africa but then instead of shooting them for sport and trophies, give them a treat and a massage.

Sagar Sruramagiri thinks the high jumping technique known as the Fosbury flop, named after the American high jumper Dick Frosbury, should be renamed due to its enduring success at the highest level of international competition.

He suggests the Dickie Dive instead.

Jack Elder agrees that turkeys would not vote for Christmas, and furthermore thinks that in the admittedly unlikely event of a paltry referendum on religious festivals, they would probably back either Rosh Hashanah or Diwali.

David Ownby thinks that people who needlessly queue up at an airport gate for a good 30 to 40 minutes before boarding should probably not be allowed to vote.

And Cliff Fuet has only ever rated things 7 out of 10.

He just doesn't like to go overboard about stuff or indeed underboard either.

And another anonymous donor initials, CB, was the inventor of both the first known two-dimensional corkscrew and the fruit-free lemon for the hardcore carnivore.

Whilst Drimard Perlointe from Utah is quite keen to buy tickets for Andy's Altzmann solo show at the Underbelly on the 18th of May and indeed the live bugle on the 22nd of June in London but cannot decide which because they'll obviously both be fing sensational.

He's also considering a trip to the Edinburgh Festival to see Andy's new show Control Z at the stand from Tuesday the 13th of August to Sunday the 25th or maybe Political Animal which there's quite a few shows of in the evening or the bugle live on the 16th or 19th of August.

Such Such a difficult call.

Such a very difficult call.

Thank you to all of those people.

Apart perhaps from the last one who may or may not exist.

More lies next week.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.