The Sweet, Sweet Bumhole Of Space – Bugle 4103

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers!

I am Andy Zoltzman.

Am I anymore?

Could I have another vote on it, or am I lumbered with what my parents decided to do with my name 44 years ago?

That's...

Yeah, and I'm happy with that.

Anyway, but the point is, this is issue 4103 of The Bugle, the audio newspaper for a visual world that remains the one fully reliable source of independently biased, unashamedly fact-free truth in these turbulent times.

It is Brex Day!

Happy Brex Day, everyone!

The 29th of March, 2019.

No sleeps till Brex.

Hang on.

I am just being informed.

It is no longer...

It is no longer Brex Day.

This was supposed to have been the day in which Britain blasted itself off into a glorious new new future.

Ah, like a Soviet space dog moment of national liberation.

Instead, it has been a day when our democracy has been upheld, traduced, twisted, reluctantly forced to do its job, betrayed, liberated, held hostage, and or dressed up in a gimp mask and made to cluck like a chicken.

Delete according to preference and or newspaper of choice.

Anyway,

two weeks ago, it was two weeks to go until Brexit.

Now it is two weeks to go until Brexit again.

Or is it seven and a half weeks to go?

No, it's two weeks.

Oh, it's seven and a half.

No, it's two weeks it's a year it's eight minutes to it's 40,000 years it is now X weeks till till Brexit more on this later joining me today to discuss the latest excitements here in London Tiffany Stevenson hello hi hello I'm laughing because what's the option I'd be crying otherwise right yeah the two aren't mutually incompatible no have a go at both no I was really enjoying the idea of having a slice of Brexit day cake yeah and singing happy breakthrough yeah we're not going to get to we're not gonna get that and we'll come later on to uh some of the things that have been said about what was supposed to be happening today by the big fans of Brexit that aren't happening um also joining me today sense and reason uh welcome welcome to to the oh they've left

and uh also joining us today later on for an exclusive interview in the bugle soundproof safe uh former prime minister david cameron it'll be very interesting to hear what he doesn't have to say on the matter as always uh some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin this week.

City improvements section.

We're looking at some of the exciting new city improvement projects around the world.

Recently, London was rocked to its core by the failure of the garden bridge project to get off the ground when London slightly understandably decided that there were two things that it did not need more of.

One was gardens.

and two was bridges and emphatically three was a garden and a bridge in the same place but other schemes have been announced to soup up various urban landscapes including for London.

This is very exciting.

Volcano for London.

What?

That is going to focus minds, isn't it?

There's going to be a 3,000-metre-high volcano.

It was promised in Brexit, if you read it backwards,

absolutely hammered.

Get my hands on some of that sweet magma.

Yeah.

And at least it's achievable.

Yes.

It's as achievable as the undefined Brexit that people were promised.

Also, a glacier for Los Angeles.

That could,

because they've got a lot of sort of anti-waterways and fires.

It's got to help.

That will help.

A tropical rainforest rainforest for Oslo and a desert for Dubai.

But importantly, a fake one,

because it'll just fit in better with everything else there.

Also, in the bin this week, documentaries on the global problems of fictional beings caused by global warming predominantly.

I mean, there's a lot of talk about how these things are going to affect people and real creatures.

But we don't hear very much about the devastating effect of global warming on some of the fictional characters that have been popular around the world.

And there's some interesting documentaries that that have come out recently, including A Pokey Lapse Now.

Could global warming kill off the Pokemon?

Latest science suggests that up to 550 Pokemons could die if temperatures rise above two degrees centigrade above their pre-industrial levels.

That's why you've got to catch them all.

Yeah, exactly.

Before it happens.

Well, then you can treat them safely and get them to breed in captivity.

Gnome

mass.

Infestation of garden gnomes in Mexico brought about by climate change could lead to the disastrous side effect of gnomes being reduced to unsanctioned boxing bouts

in which, like the great boxer Roberto Duran, they may be forced to say nomass.

And that's a bit of a stretch, but you know, such, I'm a product of my times.

I just don't know what to do with my elf.

Elves are very poor in

hot weather.

And

finally, Fairy Crossed with Morsi.

That's a

fans of 1960s

Liverpudlian songs.

Fairy Crossed with Morsi is about a secret project to save the world by cross-breeding a fairy with the former Egyptian president Mohammed Morsi.

Those sections in the bin.

We are recording on, as I said, the 29th of March, and there's been a lot of upset tiff that brexit has been cancelled because this would have been the absolute perfect day for brexit to happen as i've touched on

well it's it's more the historical importance of this date in human and british history and and this specific one i've touched on before the anniversary of the battle of taunton in 1461 in the wars of the roses the single most violent day of fighting in the history of the british isles 28 000 people killed in a single day of hand-to-hand combat.

And what a great anniversary for Brexit to happen, a day in which this country tore itself apart in a childish political dispute.

Yeah, and we're not limited to Yorkshire and Lancashire this time.

No, exactly.

So

we can spread it around.

Spread the hate.

Also on the home guarantee.

On this day in 845, Paris was sacked by Viking raiders.

And their leader, Ragnar Lodbrock, apparently collected a huge ransom in exchange for leaving.

If that is not a preemptive Brexit metaphor from history, I don't know what is.

In 1632, the Treaty of Saint-Germain was signed, in which the city of Quebec in

modern-day Canada was returned to French control after the English had seized it in 1629.

So you had another thing we had control of for three years and fed up completely and lost control of it.

Brexit through history.

Just over and over again.

What a day this would have been.

Top story this week.

Well, I mean, this is the top story.

It feels like like I've already covered a lot of it before we've even got to the beginning of the...

And again, that seems appropriate.

This has been a week in which British politics desperately has tried to shove David Cameron's unwanted baby back into our political womb.

Parliament has locked itself in a cupboard and swallowed the key, which doesn't mean there's no way out.

It just means that the way out is...

very unappealing and potentially very very messy indeed all kinds of things we have they have another vote today and the government has been defeated for a third time.

That third and final banana I talked about, Theresa May throwing at the burning petrol station, has proved ineffective.

And it's reached the stage, Tiff, where news is

a kind of bizarre situation where things are happening incredibly quickly, and at the same time, absolutely nothing is happening at all.

Yes.

But I've been doing Satirists for Hire this week at Soho Theatre, and I was on stage while the indicative votes were happening on

Wednesday.

So, you know, I was sort of having to keep track of

what was happening.

And things are changing so far.

Incidentally, two more Brexit special satirists for harsh shows on the 10th and 11th of April.

Yep, there are some benefits from Brexit being delayed.

Tickets available on the internet.

News changes so fast that now sometimes my swear words are out of date by the time they've gone from my mouth to my television screen.

And I find myself jumping out of my sofa saying, oh shit, I've called the wrong account.

Is it worth pointing out at this point that your kids are next door doing the recording?

It's all about context.

It's entirely justified.

Nothing they have not heard before.

In context.

In context, yeah.

In context.

Theresa May's wandering around at a party that everyone's left, you know, everyone apart from the host and their mate who are clearing up round her while she wildly swigs punch and still desperately tries to get her f on.

Hi, kids.

Family show.

Family content.

I mean, it's sort of like, I thought when I came back, because I've been away at the beginning of the year, I thought when I come back, it'll all be sorted, or we'll have reached Pete Lord of the Flies, you know, where the conch has been smashed and the maggots are coming out the pig's head.

And don't anyone mention Cameron because he'll get very excited by the whole idea of it.

The maggots coming out of the pig's head, I think, might have been a headline in the Daily Mail, actually, about

the Parliament trying to do its job.

So it's this, this is the Cliff Edge Brexit, which Donald Tuss mentioned.

The Cliff Edge Brexit, which I like to call the Thelma Louise Brexit, right?

So I thought we could maybe play out all the different potential, much like in Wayne's World, they have the Thelma Louise ending.

They have four or five different endings.

So I thought we could sort of play those out.

But you need to do the

before we do it.

That could be the perfect compromise, actually.

Just a sort of national time machine and just play out five different versions of Brexit and just keep coming back.

Yeah.

Everyone's a winner.

Well, in Wayne's World, they had there was the Scooby-Doo uh ending

which is where we pull the mask off theresa may discover she was a ghost the whole time a ghost who was haunting herself

she has got that look in her face

but i i was thinking a lot of similar along similar lines that i think she might have a voodoo doll of herself oh wow yeah that she's forgotten about and has just left in accidentally in a knife drawer in downing streets and whenever anyone puts like knives back in the knife anyway yeah it's yeah and it's wearing that uh strong and stable bike chain necklace that she's so excited.

Oh, there's the sad ending.

That's where uh, no one gets a trade deal, and your ex-girlfriend turns up pregnant.

That's what happened in Wayne's World.

Stacey turned up and said, I'm pregnant, that's why I've been such a bitch.

Uh, so that would be David Cameron's unwanted child that you were talking about.

Uh, or there is also the ridiculously happy ending, which is after millions of people march and sign petitions, we withdraw Article 50 and we can all get on with our lives and figure out how to prevent catastrophic climate change.

There's the ridiculously happy ending.

Yes, but I mean, I guess that's the good thing with going through with Brexit is we can choose the exact pace of Armageddon that suits Britain best

and take back control of the end of the world.

Yeah, do it to our schedule, our timeline.

Well, that was what Tusk said.

Tusk said the 12th of April is the new 29th of March.

Right.

So

ridiculous.

Like it's farcical.

Like you could, like, it sounds like I'm making it up, but that's actually what he said.

12th of April is, April is the new 29th of March.

That's good to know, because that's handy for my tax return.

Like, if time has no actual meaning anymore, we're just, I'm just going to say January 14th, 2025 is the new September 29th, 2019, which is my birthday this year.

So that means I'm just not going to age for five years.

Brexit is using the caprice model for time, which is stay 27 forever.

I think actually Britain as a nation has aged about 400 years in the last three years.

So with today's vote, this was the third effort to get Theresa May's deal through.

They made it a non-meaningful vote in an effort to hope people think, oh, it's just a bit of fun.

That didn't work.

Still lost.

Shits and giggles.

Like a snog Marry avoid in the pub or snog Marry Kill or whatever.

Yes.

David Davis, former Brexit secretary.

before he stood down to spend more time with his overwhelming sense of incompetence,

Said the Prime Minister's deal had a decent chance of getting through.

This was before the vote.

And the alternative was, quote, a complete cascade of chaos.

I mean, that's the alternative, is a complete cascade of chaos versus the complete cascade of chaos

that has already happened and is currently happening.

Well, we should remember this is the same David Davis who said that the deal was effectively done.

It was 90% there.

And I'm like, my contraceptive pill is 90% there.

That doesn't mean I'm not going to get fed.

So I don't think we can trust anything David David says.

I mean, and like, also, isn't this not the worst job in politics now to have been the Brexit secretary at some point?

Yes.

Although I guess it's one of those jobs where, in a way, you can be fairly confident that whoever succeeds you is going to be even worse, given that it gets more and more impossible the more you f it up.

Yeah.

It must be up there with being Piers Morgan's proctologist.

That's a lovely image, Tiff.

But interestingly, people were swinging behind Theresa May's deal, including the likes of Boris Johnson and Jacob Reese Mulk, who basically said it was the end of humanity as we know it, this deal, but it was less the end of humanity than no deal happening.

And this seems to be the ultimate.

No one is suggesting that Brexit is just cancelled.

People are suggesting maybe have a second vote, and that may then lead to it.

But no one is suggesting it's, you know...

nothing or the deal.

But this seems to be the way it's presented a lot of the time.

And it lost by less than the previous votes on the same, essentially the same pit.

And I guess it's that situation, isn't it, where the closer you get to the ground, the more tempting that parachute made of lettuce becomes.

Why not?

Why not just

give it a go?

So it's a state of not kind of agreement with it, but sort of panic quiescence.

That's a great word.

Thank you.

That should go in the urban dictionary.

Panicquiescence.

Well, Theresa May said in her speech today before the vote that voting for the deal avoided a cliff edge.

It does raise the question why it was that she set our national sat-nav to find largest possible cliff.

That is a question that remains unanswered.

My favourite words of the day came from Scottish National Party Member of Parliament, Deirdre Brock,

who said, This pile of manure we're being offered is the appetizer of the slurry to come.

I think that is...

But then I guess from manure and slurry, great crops may grow.

Yeah, shit makes the flowers grow, as they say, as the old expression says.

Aristotle.

How long is this now?

Because I feel like Theresa May did a speech and she said, three years ago, the British public looked it.

I once flirted with a guy in my office for two years before finding out he was gay.

And that was less of a waste of time than this entire process has been.

Like, imagine all the things we could have got done.

Especially then someone like Dominic Rabb, who's come back today and said he backs the deal, the same deal that he was like, no, I'm quitting being the secretary because I can't in all good consciousness back this deal that I've spent two years negotiating and been in the room for the entire time.

So now I think the only reason any of those Conservative MPs are going to decide to back the deal is because Teresa has agreed to step down once the deal is done.

Yes.

So it's now like political maneuvering from any of those putting themselves in the position of becoming the new PM.

Well, I'm just going to pick you up on one thing there.

You say the government has got nothing done because of this Brexit.

Actually, there was a report out this week that showed that in-work poverty is now affecting 2.9 million children in Britain.

So even in the midst of Brexit, the government has still found time to achieve one of its core policy goals.

So depressing.

That's so grim.

Just some breaking news, actually, just coming through.

Well, you say Theresa May's offered to resign.

That clearly wasn't enough to get the deal over the line.

She's now offered to be defenestrated

next Wednesday, to be hurled out of a window into a pile of manure in the old 17th century style.

See if that will help.

Also, the government has just announced a leap year,

by which they mean not just an added day within a year, but an entire added year that will take place between tomorrow and the 30th of March 2019, as it will become.

The Donald Tusk time

machine.

Some resignations.

Theresa May's frown has just resigned citing excessively long hours and the pressures of media scrutiny.

The concept of objectivity has quit saying it's realized it has no place in the democratic process anymore and a preemptive resignation from the Conservative MP Strillius Butclark, the MP for West Frobisher, has just preemptively resigned as Prime Minister saying if I ever become Prime Minister I'll probably f it up so I'm just getting it out the way now.

And just hearing this could be a real game changer, the Queen has just been overheard in Buckingham Palace shouting, shouting, f ⁇ this shit,

while strapping on a suit of armour and getting a big axe out of the family cover.

I mean, if Brexit is a cliff-edged Brexit and we're going over, let's just get Prince Philip to drive the car.

He'll guarantee it will happen.

It is so baffling.

this as a well a kind of democracy fan you know i love democracy everyone's perceptions of democracy i think we've learned a lot that about the the the inherent flaws in our democratic system and we've basically just sort of left it essentially unattended.

It's not been nurtured.

It's not been modernised.

And it is now blowing up in our faces.

And this attempt to push this deal through again was not so much papering over the cracks as smashing around the cracks with a sledgehammer.

So you can then point at the original crack and say, not so bad after all, was it?

Are you not having the moments that I'm having?

Like the other morning I woke up, remembered I was British, felt embarrassed, went back to sleep.

It's just so humiliating that the rest of the world must be looking at us us thinking, what exactly are they doing?

Even America at this point.

And that is not something that anyone wants to hear.

There's been a lot of talk of betrayal this week.

The Daily Mail's front page today said 11pm tonight was meant to be the moment Britain became a proud sovereign nation once more.

And to give that some context, you know when Britain was last a sovereign nation, Tiff?

I would say like probably 1996 when I was hanging out with my mates in Weatherspoons.

There was a lot of sovereigns then.

It was in fact at the start of this sentence.

That was when Britain was last actually actually that is now already out of date.

We've always been a sovereign nation, even within the EU.

Let's try and make that clear.

Unless they mean regaining our sovereignty from unaccountable newspapers with a political agenda, but I'm not sure they necessarily mean that.

The Express went with Britain was to have been freed from the shackles of the EU.

those shackles that have held us back so grievously that we are the fifth biggest economy in the world, up and down exactly zero places since we joined the European common market in 1973.

But we'll be free, free from these shackles, free from the tyrannical imposition of peace, trade, high living standards, improved human rights, and predictably shaped fruit and vegetables.

Freedom!

Freedom!

Some extraordinary things have been said by our politicians this week during the

various debates.

Jacob Brees Mogg, the man of the people that he is, had a go at Nick Bowles, one of the MPs behind the indicative votes move that

made Parliament do what it is emphatically resisted doing for so long, which was to discuss the options in a mature and grown-up way.

And Reese Mogg accused Bowles, who went to Winchester College, one of Britain's leading and most expensive private schools.

Jacob Rees-Mogg went to Eton, one of Britain's leading and most expensive private schools.

And he said that Bowles had made a Wikimist, which is the rather old-fashioned term for someone who went to Winchester, a Wikimist point, highly intelligent but fundamentally wrong.

He then accused old Etonian Oliver Letwin of being more Winchester than Eaton.

So it is good to see him standing up for the ordinary man in the street.

Yes.

The ordinary old Harovian

in the quad.

In the quad.

For all the straw boaters out there.

Someone is

at least...

I went to a private school and

I'm a white middle-class man.

I've basically had all the advantages life can possibly throw at me but at last someone is standing up for people like me in Parliament

so just to remind people Theresa May sort of kind of quit as Prime Minister without actually quitting she said she will quit if the deal gets through quite why that

would make it you know mean that she she would get the deal through is not entirely uh clear.

And as Pete Wishart, the SNP MP has memorably said, she threw herself on her sword and missed.

It is just

extraordinary.

I saw also

it described as her having made a Faustian pact

to get her deal through.

But the difference is, Faustus got 24 years of magical powers,

not another afternoon of floundering around doing fall.

Yeah, maybe.

It's a bad deal, isn't it?

In terms of bad deals.

You don't know how many fields of wheat are in those those future years.

Maybe that's part of the deal.

Maybe she's going to be frolicking fields of wheat forevermore.

So who's in the race?

They're talking about Sajji Javid?

Yes.

Well, I mean, Boris seems to be, as you say, one of the front runners.

I'm just doing some investigation into what might be better than Boris Johnson as Prime Minister.

And a potato would be better than Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, according to scientists.

An old, rotting potato.

Not even a sentient potato just a potato having more chance of bringing the country together amber rudd poor amber rudd always the bridesmaid never the bridezilla

um i don't think she's got much chance gove is in the mix gove is a hundred percent that dude that promises to uh look after your girlfriend while you're away on holiday and then tries to slip at the tongue and get slapped that's michael gove gove i mean famously uh knife boris in the in the back um whilst boris was looking at himself in the mirror i think i'm not sure um and michael gove just slightly to me comes across as someone who'd happily shoot off one of his own testicles if he could be guaranteed that bullet would definitely ricochet into someone else's nutsack.

Yes.

I'm not sure he's entirely to be trusted with the entire future of the country.

No, no, he's not.

He's not a good call.

Who else is that?

Oh, Dominic Raab

has sort of been floated as a possibility.

I mean, it's all awful, isn't it?

You know, pick which turds bobbing in the ocean in the municipal swimming pool.

Which one are these?

Maybe that's what I fish out.

A new sport we could invent for our second go empire.

It's all about spreading sports around the world.

There has been a lot of talk, Tiffany, Brexit being stolen from the 17.4 million, a lot of talk about 17.4 million people who voted for Brexit.

And

this just irritates me on a profound level because it instantly essentially says to, for example, the 2 million people who are now of voting age who couldn't vote in Brexit that you are less important than a significant number of dead people, which I don't think is a way to conduct democracy.

And it's almost like fix this bit of democracy

in some kind of quagmire of permanence and are

unable to move on.

I don't see a logical argument against a second referendum from either side

other than the fact that we have proved ourselves constitutionally and psychologically completely unable to deal with referendums.

That is the one good argument for not having another one, that we just aren't grown up enough for it.

In Ireland they just kept doing it, didn't they?

Till they got the answer they wanted.

Well yeah this is what people say that this is this is what

what happens but I mean it could

I think there's a good if there's a second referendum I think there's a good chance of another Brexit vote but at least that we we've actively decided

to Thelma and Louise on the Florida yeah yeah it's good we've done it through choice we haven't been nudged over by a truck well I mean that's the key thing with Thelma and Louise is both Thelma and Louise had agreed on it.

It wasn't Thelma deciding it, and then two and three years later, making Louise go through with it.

No, they held hands, didn't they?

That's right.

And they went for it.

They put their foot down and, yeah, drove themselves over, leaving Brad Pitt in the dust.

I think

if it's nearly three years, stuff changes, information changes.

Of course, there should be.

I don't like the idea of calling it.

I think I've said this before, people's vote or the people's minds.

I don't like that term.

Because the people voted before.

It's not aliens voting this time.

Like, just call it the deal vote or the informed vote, whatever you want to do.

But

we can have another referendum.

I mean, we're burning more money than if we'd have just decided six months ago to do a second referendum.

Surely.

Also,

back to the 17.4 million.

I don't think...

I've come to the conclusion that they were wrong.

The 16.1 million who voted to remain.

of which I was one, also wrong.

The people who got it right were the 12 million who didn't vote, who looked at it and said, no, no, there's absolutely no way we can make this decision and why the f ⁇ are you asking us this?

They're the ones that got it right.

Yes.

In fact, I think there's an argument if we have a second referendum, only people who didn't vote in the first referendum should be allowed to have a go.

The people who were too young and the people who were sensible enough to have no f ⁇ ing part of it.

Well,

I do remember saying,

you know, people like me shouldn't be allowed to vote because I can barely rate a film on Netflix.

It's hard, isn't it, to not have all the information at hand.

You've got to do a lot of research.

It felt like homework coming up to it.

I was like, how does this affect business legislation?

How does it affect me personally?

How will it affect my family?

It's a lot of, you know, democracy is a lot of work.

That's why we pay them to do it.

It's a lot of guesswork on both sides.

And, you know, it was a risk.

It's clearly a massive risk to leave the EU.

It was also a massive risk to stay in the EU.

That is what, you know, life and politics is.

But this idea that Brexit is being stolen is complete and utter nonsense because everyone is suggesting a second vote.

I want to suggest just cancelling it.

And Boris Johnson said justified his change of mind on Theresa May's deal, which he'd said was completely catastrophic.

And that's one other positive.

We can just find a way of converting hypocrisy into electricity.

The world is so.

He said, in the end, the thing I fought for may never happen because unless Mrs.

May's deal is passed, he said, I genuinely think the House of Commons is going to steal Brexit.

Stealing it by giving people another vote.

And that's the mistake I always made in my days as a jobbing criminal.

Was when I was stealing something, I always gave people a vote on the thing I was about to steal.

I would say, do you want me to steal your DVD player?

They generally say, not really.

And I say, okay, I won't then.

Would you steal something else instead?

The only often made me say, can you steal our old newspapers and put them in the green bin outside?

Fine.

Democracy in action.

And also, just the logic of it doesn't make sense to me.

in which essentially it's a kind of conversation that goes roughly like this.

Well, Britain voted for Brexit.

Yeah, but what you're being offered now isn't Brexit.

So can we vote on the thing that isn't Brexit?

No.

Because why not?

Oh, because we voted for Brexit.

So why aren't you backing it?

Because it's not Brexit.

So can we vote on the thing that isn't Brexit?

No.

Why not?

Because we voted for Brexit.

Will you back the fing thing?

It's not Brexit.

Let me fing vote Brexit.

Not Brexit.

That is the conversation that Britain is currently having.

And

it's a wonder we haven't had a nervous breakdown.

I did ask the boyfriend to have a look over

a few things.

Oh, I lost someone to shed some light.

So

Scottish boyfriend explains a hang.

So, the hang is the government is a pure shambles, so it is, and they didn't ken what they're doing, and they didn't give a fk what we want.

Six million folks signed the petition to revoke Article 50, and one million took to the streets in London.

And what does May have to say about it?

They say, Mo, will of the people, leave means leaves, pish, but we have to keep fighting.

And I came what you're thinking, a canny fight.

Well, remember this: run, and you'll live at least a while.

And dying in your beds many years from from now.

Would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance?

Just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom.

So I think he might have had a bit of a breakdown and just watched Braveheart.

Also, can I just say that that Scottish accent there is better than anything Mel Gibson did in the entire film?

Well, we now need to get some information from someone who's been

rather more involved in the whole process, although not of late.

It's a great pleasure to welcome to the Bugle for the first time in the Bugle Soundproof Safe, which we've not used for a while, but we've dug it out of

the cupboard.

And in the soundproof safe this week, I'm delighted to say, is the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, the man who called the referendum, David Cameron.

David, thank you for taking some time out from what I I know must be an extremely empty schedule.

So David, you were the man who launched this political Titanic, who also booked the iceberg and who programmed the ship's autopilot to aim directly at that iceberg and who then jumped into a speedboat and fed off.

Any regrets about any of that process?

Well, I mean, I think that is probably an accurate answer.

David, this week also, you finally crawled out of the woodwork, the extremely expensive, endangered endangered pure ebony woodwork in the form of a luxury treehouse varnished with pure snake oil.

But you came out and said one of the few things you've said in public since the referendum.

You said there are four groups in Parliament, people who want the PM's deal, people who want no deal, people who want a second referendum, and people who want a softer Brexit.

And you said that the government needs to work together and compromise to get a deal.

Do you think your intervention in any way helped?

That is the correct answer.

And what do you think would be the best thing for you personally personally to say to this country now?

Again, I think you might have a point.

It seems to me, David, that, well, essentially in 2016,

Britain was left naked alone in an empty room with nothing but a single electrical socket.

And eventually, at some point, we were going to put our penis in that socket.

But my question to you, David, is why has it taken three years before Parliament has tried even to start negotiating about how we're going to bandage that electrocuted penis.

Well, again, your silence

is most illuminating.

David Cameron, thank you very much for joining us.

Thank you.

Gosh shit, the door was open all the time.

Well, that concludes our talk on Brexit for this week.

Sorry, I've rather dominated the show, but I think that is understandable this week, as it has been for most of the last uh few weeks um we'll move on now to space news uh tiff you are the uh bugle's space travel correspondent uh some very exciting news in uh i am

i'm a leading correspondent so this week there was there were plans uh for the end of women's history month to have the first ever uh all-female uh spacewalk so

So you're just going to have to clarify that term.

Did you mean the end of Women's History Month or the end of

History Month?

Which I think

a surprising number of people would still be in favour of.

To celebrate, to commemorate the end of Women's History Month.

We're going to fire two women into space.

For the first time ever, two women were going to go on a spacewalk.

And then the plans for this have been scuppered because

what happened was we had two female astronauts and one spacesuit, to be fair, which sounds like a terrible porno.

What an awful follow-up to two girls, one cup.

So, NASA, much like the clotheshop Zara, need to standardize their sizing because they only had one suit that actually fitted a woman.

You know what it's like?

You want to walk in space, but you just can't find the right outfit.

And before you know it, you're in tears in a space dock, having tried on three and swearing off booze for a month just to drop a bit of the weight.

It's a real shame.

And they seem to have just sort of brushed past it and gone, yeah, we're doing other busy stuff, but this big historic moment that we were hoping for, not going to happen.

Anyway, two men will go on a walk because that's not a problem.

Because women boobs and periods, and what if they sink on the walk, etc.

I just go, yes, slightly curious that I didn't plan that far enough ahead.

They said there's only one size medium, like it was literally there's only one size medium spacesuit.

Uh, Theresa May has just suggested a compromise in which no one has any spacesuits at all.

Um,

uh, in other space news, um,

America's going back to the moon.

They've announced suspiciously soon after the publication of the Mueller report

that they're going back to the moon because,

well, I mean, there's a very simple reason why America is going back to the moon, and that is because China is going to the moon and India might be going to the moon.

So it's just really the original moon landings all over again, if I may quote Neil Armstrong.

One small step for a man, one giant fk you to the commies.

Just the take one, take two though.

Yeah, Yeah, it was the one they actually published.

There was a great headline from barrens.com which just said Trump wants to go back to the moon.

And I thought, is that where he's from?

Because everything makes a hell of a lot more sense now.

It does.

Also, I mean, if you launched that as a crowdfunding thing, and that would break the internet, wouldn't it?

It would.

It would beat the Trump baby blimp.

Well, I think what's happening at the moment is there's three billionaires.

So this is, so Trump is, you know, there's push from like the government and everything else.

But then then we've sort of got these rogue billionaires who want to enter the space race.

And whoever wins it will become the first trillionaire, which doesn't sound like a real thing.

I'm sure Trillionaire was a character from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

But the first person that will make it into sort of space for shuttles, for people, like space tourism, basically.

So, you've got Musk, Branson, and Bezos.

Branson,

just yesterday, in fact,

they did Virgin's first intergalactic flight, presumably diverted via Birmingham New Street.

But it quit, it breached, it breached, you know,

is it breached the atmosphere?

I think it's called the

Kármán line, which is

which is very complicated.

I'll explain it just for people that aren't quite sure.

The Kármán line is the line between Earth's gravitational pool and zero gravity.

For the less scientifically minded among you, I'll put that in terms you'll understand.

It's basically the space taint.

The taint.

The taint, the space taint, space cooch.

So, right.

So, for a mere 200,000, Bezos is offering you the chance to escape the sweaty, stinking ball bag of Earth into the sweet, sweet bum hole of space.

In the words of Buzz Aldrin, that's why he didn't get to say, that's why he didn't get to say the first love in rehearsals.

Just they didn't want to broadcast it.

I'm so sorry, but 11 glorious minutes in the sweet, sweet bum hole of space.

So

that was a Neil Diamond somber, right?

So, yeah, they're all having a go.

Bezos is called Blue Origin Flights.

Alice was having a week off this week.

I thought it was going to be spared this kind of stuff, Devil.

It was spared a bumhole reference.

I don't know.

I mean, maybe Bezos is hoping infinite space will make his dick look bigger.

I can't imagine how

that will work.

But it's, it's, I mean, it's probably a good idea to just fire all the trillion billionaires into space and then that gets rid of them, doesn't it?

Well, and also it would be the reality TV show to end all reality TV shows, wouldn't it?

In other Trump news, quickly before we wrap up for the week, Donald Trump has been celebrating his complete exoneration,

as he's described it in the Mueller investigation by visiting all the people who used to work for him who are now in jail because of the Mueller investigation.

Still exonerated.

Completely exonerated.

Well, we have run out of time in the studio.

There was much else to discuss on Brexit and

the rest of the universe, frankly, which does still exist, apparently.

It's quite hard to keep that in mind in Britain at the moment.

I don't believe it does.

I think it's just this.

Right.

Just this.

Repeated.

This is Groundhog Brexit from now until the end of time.

Happy times.

Thank you for listening, Bugles.

Don't forget there are more Saturdays for Higher Brexit specials at the Soho Theatre in London on the 10th and 11th of April.

There's a bugle live in Brighton on the 12th of April.

Tiff, anything to plug?

Yes, I've got a few previews of Mother, my new show that I'll be taking to the Edinburgh Fringe.

So just follow me on Twitter and I'll be putting those up.

But yes, a few around the UK.

And do go and see Alice Fraser's superb new show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival if you are there.

Until next week, well, enjoy whatever Britain vomits onto your news plate.

Oh, God, I've I've had enough.

Love.

Anyway, long live democracy.

Goodbye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.