Wall Nuts – Bugle 4093

I'm stretching out my range of accents here.

I've still got two more to do.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4093 of the Bugle, the world's last remaining reliable source of 110% mathematically unarguable facts.

Every single moment of this show, verifiably truthful.

I am Christopher Marlowe.

Oh, that didn't last long.

I usually at least get the end of my name without lying.

Or do I?

I am Andy Zoltzmann, although my birth name was actually Dionysus, God of wine.

And I'm here in London, Europe's squabbliest city of 2019 so far.

Can we hang on and qualify to be Europe's entry in the world's squabbliest city competition against the likes of, without wishing to preempt things too much over the next 11 and a half months jerusalem and washington dc if you listen carefully you can hear the echoing echo of prime minister theresa may waking up in the middle of the night in 10 downing street shouting help

there it was there it was joining me now from a country of 1.3 billion people it is just one of those 1.3 billion randomly selected from every single person in india from mumbai it's anuva pal Hello Andy, hello, and thank you for going through that rigorous selection process to pick me out of a billion people.

Well I like to keep things democratic.

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas to you.

Happy New Year.

I came across something over Christmas that I felt this urge to share with you.

Okay.

As you know Andy, my hometown is Calcutta.

It's where I'm from.

I went back there for Christmas.

And I know the world has a big debate going on about whether Merry Christmas is appropriate or not.

Well that was

successfully, that debate ended in Calcutta this year when a Bengali pop artist released his version of Jingle Bells in Bengali, dressed as Santa Claus.

There we go, that's bringing the world together under the unique joy of Christmas music.

Indeed, indeed.

And how is this received by fans of Bengali music?

Ecstatic response, Andy.

Many had not heard the original version, so I think he's stopping the charts as an original hit.

We are recording on the 11th of January 2019, meaning yesterday was the 10th of January.

Happy birthday to my daughter, in case you listen to this at some point in the near or distant future.

She was 12 years old yesterday, which means that it is exactly 12 years since the night of the 11th to the 12th of January 2007, when heroic new father Andy Zaltman volunteered to look after his new baby late, late, late into the night, a 30-hour-old Zaltzmann daughter was then exposed to her first ever ball of televised cricket.

Ian Bell slapped one straight to mid-off.

What a way to start.

On the 11th of January 1964, the Surgeon General of the United States published the landmark smoking and health report, which revealed shock horror that breathing smoke into your lungs over and over and over again

might be bad for your health.

This sparked national and worldwide anti-smoking measures.

Now of course we know that despite all the scientific research the whole smoking is bad for you Flim Flam is in fact a hoax perpetrated by one or more of the Chinese, the alternative energy industry or lefties in general.

But to mark this historic anniversary of the report coming out in 1964, we have some classic old smoking adverts from the radio archives from the days before people realized that smoking was naughty.

Drebler Purifier Cigarettes.

Fumigate out the evil spirits within your soul.

With Drebler Purifier, rated 0.4 exorcisms per packet by the National Foundation for the Medicinal Occult.

Dreble Purifier.

Smoke your way to a purer soul.

What is smooth, cool, and useful?

A road.

What's a road covered with?

Tar.

Treat your lungs like a highway.

With Tremel's maximum tar asphaltinos.

The Simbeck and Warnell outdoor cigarette for the active gentleman.

Designed with a detachable windbreak to be easily lit even on a distinctly breezy afternoon.

And scientifically proven to be superior to oxygen by a factor of two when inhaled whilst exercising.

As smoked during games by the Arsenal in England football star spluttering Ken Baggs.

Score your goals

with Simba Kidwarnell.

Men, do you want to appeal to the fairer sex?

Of course you do.

You're a man and it's the 1950s.

So try Bert Lunghammer and Son's filterless romancer cigarette arts.

Remember, gentlemen, ladies love a man who coughs.

And if you really want to make eyelids flutter, blow smoke into them.

It really works.

Lunghammers, let love bloom through the smoky plume.

It's amazing what's lurking.

Amazing what lurks in the archives.

Different world.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin.

This week, retirements and as British tennis star Andy Murray announces his impending retirement, we list all the prominent public figures in the world.

We would rather were retiring from their jobs than Andy Murray, including duh well, f it, make your own list.

I don't have time to read out all of mine.

Also in the bin this week, we have a special section on YouTubers to look out for in the year 2019.

Featuring Dweebledum and Dweebled.

With just 350 million subscribers the 2Ds are barely a blip on the YouTuber landscape but their thrilling videos advising fans how to put their socks on without crying could be one of the great breakout hits of the YouTube year.

Also garnish Trigg, the 17 year old Alabaman with 675 million followers on Pintagram.

That's the social media network which only allows users to communicate using quotes from Harold Pinter plays.

Trigg is one of the most influential influential influencers to wield influence during the great influencer epidemic of recent years.

His 30-second videos, in which he butters slices of toast and then puts them in a bin, has led to a worldwide shortage of butter, bread, and bins as his acolytes mimic their hero.

And we also look at Brother Augustinus, the Austrian monk who accidentally left a webcam running in his monastery after being surprised by Pentecost last year, now unbeknownst to him, has 780 million followers around the world who watch him slowly illuminate manuscripts and occasionally trim his tonsia.

And also, big on YouTube this year, set to be Enid and Agnes.

In the vanguard of the burgeoning nursing home YouTube market, the non-agenarian social media phenomenoners share their tip for their fellow codgers and codgerettes on issues ranging from how to eat sandwiches without having to put your teeth in, how to convincingly pretend you're deaf when unwanted relatives visit, and the most irritating time of year to die.

So, gonna be a big year for YouTube.

Also, in the bin,

well, competition time, Chris, our glorious sainted producer, is leaving us for a couple of weeks to have a hip replacement, a full new hip.

This is because he is one or more of A, 77 years old, B ruined by spending far more time swimming, running and bicycling than the human body was designed to do, or C cursed by Jupiter.

At least one of those three.

So for the bugle competition, we want you to tell us what operation should Chris have done next.

Let us know what major medical procedure you would like Chris to be made to undergo once his hip has at least partially healed up and why.

And we will choose the winning operation as soon as his recuperation is complete.

Then we'll hack into the NHS database and have him under the knife again by mid-March.

So do send your Chris's next operation entries to Hello Buglers at the Bugle podcast.

I can already tell you the winner.

It's four arms.

I want four arms.

I'm a bit worried, Andy, that

you could have him do that that on YouTube and then compete with the monk for 350 million followers.

Yo,

are you going to be live tweeting?

Because are you going to be conscious?

Is that what you say?

Yeah, they've not given me general anesthetic.

They're giving me an epidural and some sedatives and a pair of headphones and a playlist of my choice.

All right, awesome.

So obviously, that's go back to bugle number one

and pray for the end.

Well, that's it.

I'm not sure we've had anyone listening to the bugle during a hip replacement.

We've obviously had several vasectomies.

Yeah.

I mean, I hope they don't give me a vasectomy too.

It's quite close.

I mean, that would, I mean, actually, maybe that'd be a good thing.

I'm not quite sure.

Top story this week, and Brexit is still both going on and not going on simultaneously, as it has been for essentially the last two and a half years.

I've got some newspaper headlines here from the Guardian.

Oh shit, there's still 11 more weeks of this wankering, the Sunday Times.

And the Telegraph has this special feature.

95-year-old Ethel Scradgings held back advanced dementia to vote for Brexit a week before she died, and now the millennials want to soil her legacy.

A full in-depth investigation on that.

From Europe, Le Monde in France, Keskisa fking passerve glaze angre, and Die Welt from Germany.

De Brexit Siegt Aber einer Isigstege, Sauren Steele, Enormous Splitzen up, Spracht, Angela Merkel.

So

still

a nation and a continent divided.

How is India enjoying the spectacle of Brexit as we're in as we're approaching now?

Just 77 sleeps to go.

Now here's the thing, Andy.

I've been reading in the headlines that Theresa May brought her Plan B deal to the House of Commons, which failed.

I don't know about you, Andy, but I think it's a good...

It's a good thing in life, a good strategy to always bring your Plan B game to anything.

Like for example, I could have brought my plan A wit, you know, my to this podcast, but I figure, why not start with plan B and then go for a complete train wreck.

You know, and

that's a good approach, you know.

So she's starting with her plan B at a critical time.

And in all life circumstances, I think she's teaching us a lesson.

Never go with your A game, always go with your B game.

Well, that was pretty much how we ran the Empire, Annivab, as you well know.

That is correct.

In fact,

a lot of your B game is now known as Asia.

So she has 77 sleeps.

That's not very long.

77 days now until the 29th of March.

Although, as 1960s and 70s, professional Prime Minister Harold Wilson famously said, a week is a long time in politics, so 11 weeks is 11 long times.

Of course, sadly, Wilson was wrong.

A week is, in fact, a short time in politics.

It just seems like a long time because of all the interminable wittering.

Jeremy Hunt, who is the least twattish Foreign Secretary Britain has had out of the two it has had since July 2016, silver medal for Boris Johnson there, another one for his collection, said that Britain now faces Brexit paralysis,

which seems the ideal compromise to me.

Just absolutely nothing happening forever.

Pleases everyone.

He said there's now a risk of no Brexit, which he said would be a breach of trust with the voting public.

Well, I mean, what I want to ask, Anuvab, is where the f is Charles Darwin?

Because if we have not evolved

immunity to politicians breaching our trust in this country, we have only ourselves to blame.

These things should now bounce off us like icebergs bouncing off ocean liners.

It should have no impact whatsoever.

There was a time in your country, and I've studied a little bit of your history, where people that did not agree with a certain policy were beheaded.

Yes.

It was standard practice to behead your citizens if they had a major disagreement with a national policy.

Do you think that would help?

I guess the question I'm getting to is, will you guys keep having elections till you get a result you like?

Well,

I would say yes to that, other than the fact that i don't think there is any result that we like so when that would just be an infinite series of elections i mean that's essentially what democracy is it's just an infinite series of elections and no one is ever particularly happy with it uh in terms of the beheadings i think maybe just in terms of the visual of it it's it's tainted as a brand beheading but I think maybe there needs to be some kind of virtual there must be kind of kind of virtual app in which someone can be you know virtually beheaded in the sense that they they are then no longer allowed to appear or speak in public.

And that surely should have happened by now.

I mean, like you said earlier, there is a YouTuber probably out there doing virtual beheadings around the world to a billion followers.

Now, here's a little thing, Andy, that we've learned from Indian elections.

In South India, when they have regional elections, the way the chief minister gets elected is that she gives away free stuff to the citizens, like televisions, microwaves, sometimes vouchers for curtains.

Have you thought about that approach?

Well, I think with Brexit that is being done and what we are being given as a nation is for free, no extra charge, is the reduced ability to live and work overseas,

a diminished economy so we've not got so much economy to worry about.

All these things are just being given to us free, just introductory offers as our Brexit future stretches out gloriously before us.

We're We're having a vote on Tuesday in Parliament on Theresa May's really shit Brexit deal, which may or may not still be the least unshit option available, to be fair to her.

This is sled it for Tuesday.

It was postponed before Christmas because the Prime Minister was going to be absolutely thrashed in that vote.

Now it appears that she's going to be absolutely thrashed anyway, but with a couple of key differences.

One, we're in an odd-numbered year now, so maybe that's lucky in some cultures.

And B, there's now even less time to clean up the mess than there was in December, which means that it's now becoming ever more likely that we won't get soft Brexit, hard Brexit, no-deal Brexit, flaccid Brexit, Norwegian Brexit, frictionless Brexit, frictionful scraping your fingers on the blackboard Brexit, any of the other Brexits.

And what we will almost certainly get instead, if we do get any Brexit, which frankly I'm hoping that we don't, is the sweeping the shit under the carpet and pretending you've done the Hoovering Brexit.

That is, I think, the best that anyone can now hope for.

Well, Andy, that's not a bad policy.

I mean, if you look back at world history, you have done done that a couple of times.

A few conflicts around the world.

So, you know,

you could just add that to India, Pakistan, the Middle East.

It could just be one more thing.

But, Andy,

correct me if I'm wrong, but I think 29th of March is the date when Britain is supposed to leave the European Union.

Freedom.

And, yeah, 29th of March.

I was just going to ask Andy...

a more personal question.

Because people always ask, you know, where were you during the Kennedy assassination?

Where were you when Mahatma Gandhi was shot?

So I have to ask Andy, where will you personally be on the 29th of March?

I can tell you exactly where I will be, Anuvab.

I will have built a special emergency Brexit Day shelter in which I will have installed a bank of 12 televisions and on those 12 televisions I will have 11 televisions showing classic Test match cricket from the 1980s and one television showing ice hockey.

And

that is my only way through it.

Shut out reality.

That's excellent, Andy.

You may also have just described the cricketer David Gower's house.

I didn't know he was into ice hockey.

Jeremy Corbyn has

called for a general election.

at quotes the earliest opportunity which is by my reckoning in four minutes uh to quote, break the deadlock over Brexit.

A general election would in no way break the deadlock, other than if you break it by clamping another deadlock around the original deadlock so hard that the first deadlock shatters, leaving you only with an even stronger, bigger deadlock.

Essentially, Corbyn calling for an elector, he won't call for a second referendum,

but he is calling for another.

It's basically his indirect way of saying,

yeah, yeah, it's just not really my thing.

And the thing is, we have Theresa May, who is essentially a half-assed remainer, and Jeremy Corbyn, who is in essence a half-assed Eurosceptic.

So, basically, we've got both sides who are essentially half-assed.

But the problem is, in politics, that works as a multiplication, not a sum.

So, politically, we're in a quarter-assed situation rather than the full-assed scenario.

Sorry to get technical.

So, it's not really

working out for us.

So, well, I mean, also, what you can expect, Anuvab, on the 30th of March is, I think, approximately 30 million British people to pitch up in India

in smart uniform saying, Please can we have another go.

Look, I think there are about twenty-eight million people in Goa right now this winter.

So there'll just be two more.

Now, if there was a second referendum and and everyone in Britain said that they wanted to remain, surely that calls for a best of three then?

Yes.

Well

I mean mean,

there's a lot of precedents for best of three, clearly.

World Wars, best of three.

Correct.

Asteroid strikes.

Asteroids versus dinosaurs, best of three.

One nil to asteroids so far, just waiting for the dinosaurs to recover from the injury.

I mean, there's been other Titanic versus Iceberg.

And the iceberg just hasn't turned up for the second leg on the sea floor.

No matter how hard they try, they just keep bobbing back up to the surface.

So, I mean.

Badminton sets are out of three.

Yeah.

Best of three.

Sorry, I have to return to your analysis of

the world financial crisis of 2008.

You know, like, for example, what I could read for this, this plan was complete shit.

Everyone knew it was shit.

But apparently, till it was presented in Parliament and everyone realized it's shit, you never actually know.

Which goes back to your great philosophical economic theory of 2009 about the world financial crisis in which you said giving people money when they don't have the ability to repay it could lead to a financial crisis but you wouldn't know unless you actually did it.

Yes.

Well I tell and as I said at the time it is like slamming your testicles in a car door.

You you don't know whether or not it is genuinely going to hurt unt until you have tried it and I would also advocate a best of three on that just to

just to make sure.

I mean you couldn't play best of five with testicles.

You couldn't.

No, you couldn't.

No.

You can try, but you're going to lose.

You might be tuning it up, but still, you're going to lose.

No.

Anyway, what are we talking about?

Chris, you're lowering the tone of the show.

The future of the future of the realm, I think.

But I mean, you say it's a shit plan, but yes, but it's our shit plan.

It's the shit plan, the shit, vague, impractical plan that we voted for at the time, even though we weren't sure that was what we were voting for.

It has subsequently turned out we voted for that plan, and we are proudly, democratically sticking with the decision we didn't entirely know that we'd make.

India News Now.

Now, Andy, I just found out international spy with the license to kill James Bond.

His theme song, the theme song to the James Bond movies, was

originally written for an Indian musical.

It was written

as a sitar composition for a musical on V.

S.

Naipaul's House of Mr.

Beswas, which is a Nobel Prize-winning novel.

And that musical Nevergot Made sounded like a frightening idea in the first place.

And they took that song and gave it to James Bond.

And I'm beginning to worry, Andy,

that

the British BBC sitcom, Goodness Gracious Me, was probably correct.

Maybe eventually everything is Indian.

Well, of course, I mean, the influence of India on Bond Bond is clear throughout.

And Bond has been involved in some quite spectacular car chases during his extensive movie career.

But he's never been involved in anything quite as terrifying as being driven from Mumbai to Pune

by a young Indian man with a new car on a motorway catering for everything from young Indian men with new cars to old lorries with even older engines.

As I endured a few years ago, that was way more terrifying than anything Bond has ever done.

And I did my own stunts as well.

And also, whilst Bond might enjoy the occasional Carnalitis copulatory conflatulation with a lady human, he has not made the population of the fictional Britain that he lives in balloon in little more than a generation to more than twice its previous size, as has happened in India.

So clearly, India is hornier than James Bond.

So really, he can see why they've turned to India for the theme song.

Exactly, Adi, exactly.

Now, for example, the first 10 minutes of any James Bond movie that you guys refer to as a chase, we call it a commute.

That's just how we get to work.

And, you know, there are certain things that an Indian James Bond would do that I think hopefully in the future, now they talk about Idrisalba as James Bond.

Hopefully, in the future, when there's an actual James Bond, we'll implement these things.

Like, for example, an Indian James Bond would go to a bar and not ask for a martini, shaken not stirred.

His first question would be, what's the cheapest on the menu during happy hour?

Now, till you get that bond, Andy, I think we're in a very nebulous world.

Donald Trump versus America News update now and the shutdown in America continues.

It's reaching record-breaking levels.

Donald Trump has basically shut down America as a nation in a strop about a wall.

Interesting times we live in.

These are very odd times and clearly Trump is not a man easily given to compromise and backing down.

And I saw

one writer saying that one of the problems is that Trump is a gut politician, which wouldn't be such a big problem were it not for the fact that his diet is f ⁇ ing terrible.

Just eat some yogurt for f ⁇ 's sake.

Literally and metaphorically.

The whole debate over the wall, he keeps saying that Mexico is going to now...

He's rode back on the claims that Mexico is going to pay for it.

He's now saying Mexico will indirectly pay for the wall via a new trade deal, which contradicts the 200-plus times in the 2016 presidential campaign he said Mexico would basically directly pay for the wall.

Also, Aniba, given that America imports more from Mexico than it exports to Mexico, even if Mexico does pay for the the wall, America will respond by paying more for the upkeep of the roads that transport potential immigrationizers on those roads to that wall, to the American border, which is a little ironic, if nothing else.

That's correct, Andy.

That's absolutely correct.

And also, I don't know how you feel about this.

I've been fascinated with the idea of a national emergency

and the fact that a president could declare it.

For example, I had a script deadline today, Andy, but I declared a national emergency because I felt like procrastinating.

And I wonder if you in your life have ever thought about declaring a national emergency.

I think, could any of us do it?

Well, I think so.

I mean, we've all got to take back control.

That's what Brexit's all about here, is taking back control.

And, you know, we take, I have my own nuclear deterrent.

Well, I have lots of nucleuses.

It can't be that odd to make them go bang.

And we need to take back control of emergencies as well.

I mean, I think that's the way out of...

It's the way out of everything.

Just shut everything.

That's basically what happened at the end of the Roman Empire, is there was just, yeah, everything was shut down for about a thousand years.

And really, Donald Trump is essentially just, it's all like a micro dark ages.

And Andy, as you may be aware, a lot of federal workers are not being paid.

A lot of people, 800,000 people work for the U.S.

government, have gone without now almost a couple of paychecks.

And I'm beginning to think, Andy, will there be a time where when you're going through immigration and you show your passport, someone would say, welcome to the United States.

Can I have 20 bucks?

Yeah, I think that's quite possible.

And also, it's quite likely that you'll turn up in America and they'll say, would you mind taking over for a few hours?

I need to go home and cry.

Yes.

This is great.

This is, you know,

this is exactly

what Donald Trump is afraid of.

Immigrants taking over jobs.

There was a lot of fact-checking of Donald Trump's speech the other day on the subject of the wall and immigration.

To be honest, fact-checking Donald Trump's speech is just a complete waste of time because I think everyone just assumes that everything he says is a lie and either they're happy with that or they're not.

But I went the opposite way.

I've lie-checked Trump's speech and he actually used a lot of the wrong lies.

including when he missed out the lie that the correct lie should have told us that 350,000 Guatemalan teenagers are now working as professional circus acrobats in Iowa alone, making it almost impossible for young Iowans to progress in the circus.

95% of all American presidents would have been assassinated by Mexican drugs cartels had those presidents infiltrated the cartels and then suddenly jumped up from the dinner table at Cartel HQ and said, guess what, guys, I'm the president of the USA.

Surprise.

That's something that he did not tell the American people that he should have done.

And also, whilst the overwhelming majority of crime in America is committed by non-immigrants, this might be only because those Americans are heroically stepping into the breach to perpetrate crimes by Americans for Americans to save those American victims from being crimed by someone from overseas.

Because research has shown, ANIVAB, or at least it might show if it's ever done, that being the victim of a crime committed by a fellow American is up to 98% less annoying for Americans than being the victim of a crime committed by a foreigner.

Furthermore, for the average United States of American, being gunned down by another American expressing his or her God-given, eternal, immutable Second Amendment freedom is actually, according to this non-existent research paper I have here, described as relatively pleasurable by 73% of survey respondents, who cite, quote, the opportunity to commune with our nation's founding fathers on a spiritual and philosophical level as a significant positive of being gunslain by a fellow American, albeit that they also viewed death as being a quote largely negative outcome.

So many lies that Trump should have told and didn't and that made the speech very disappointing for me indeed.

Just a couple of quick breaking news stories on the shutdown and the war.

Trump has just personally ordered an Acme foreigner detecting rocket with attached immigrant scoop which he will personally straddle and fly to blast all the immigrants one by one back to the rest of the world or wherever they come from.

Preliminary research and development flights on the Acme foreigner detecting rocket were not too promising, however, and resulted in the test coyote used for such experiments flying at high speed past the target immigrants and into a cliff face,

ending alive but with significantly charred fur.

And also breaking news, Trump is now saying that the wall he promised was not a physical wall, but was a spiritual wall around the hearts of all Americans.

And the Mexicans will pay for it due to the increased patriotism of freshly wall-hearted Americans no longer buying tacos and sombreros, but instead spending their money on Stetsons and hot dogs.

So onwards and sideways for America.

That's still a wall, Andy.

That's a very good wall.

A spiritual wall is an excellent wall.

Now, here's the thing.

The two things that struck me, Andy, and I want your views on that.

The first was, of course, federal workers not being paid.

I thought the only profession that didn't actually, you know, where you worked and didn't get paid was comedy.

I was happy to find that there was another profession where there could be such a circumstance where there is no financial remuneration for years and years of work.

The other thing that I got really interested in, Andy, that I wanted to ask you about were other walls.

Now,

there are some other great walls that are still around: the Great Wall of China, the Berlin Wall, the Western Wall in Jerusalem, Hadrian's Wall, which I think you have,

the Antonine Wall, which I think is in Scotland,

the Great Zimbabwe Wall in Zimbabwe, the wall of Babylon in Iraq, the wall of Stone in Croatia.

Now,

universally,

what

my expert research on Wikipedia tells me is that all of these walls have become tourist sites.

They've either become tourist sites or places for graffiti.

So were there to be a wall, Andy, what do you think might happen to it?

Well, I guess

there's an old saying, isn't it?

Tragedy plus time equals comedy.

Well, clearly, wall plus time equals tourist attraction.

So it's just a question of how much time

there is.

I mean, I would give it a week.

I think things happen faster in the modern world.

And you can see Trump's Wall being finished and then basically becoming a theme park, which is the way of all flesh in America

within seven days.

Longest penis ever.

Technology news now and the Consumer electronics show 2019 has been taking place at the annual global exposalization of the latest developments and trends in technology

offering some truly sensational

and flamboyantly unnecessary advances that once again prove the incredible immutable capacity of the human brain to create incredible stuff that literally no one needs.

This year completely unneeded products have included Bendy TV screens.

So never again, Anufab, will we have to embarrass ourselves at family gatherings and dinner parties by screaming, Why the f is that television so unbendable?

Like the will of Zeus himself

that often gets brought up in my house

video systems been developed that can insert imagery onto or around a person during a live video feed, opening up huge advertising opportunities for other YouTubers like Grifty Flacker and e-gamers like Brazzard de la Moon, who can now presumably slay suffragettes on Red Dead Redemption 2 whilst those suffragettes are wearing a headscarf with the words are you beach ready on it.

There is way way too much unnecessary advertising in the world as it is something I will be addressing on the forthcoming Bugle Live tour of the USA in February and March details on the internet.

There was some autonomous farm vehicles.

That is not what we want.

Not here in Britain.

We voted for Brexit so we could all pick pick fruit for a below subsistence wage now that the Romanio Bulgarians aren't coming over here and sneaking into our fruit before we get the chance.

The last thing we need is any kind of agricultural technology.

A laundry folder, a device that folds your laundry for you.

I mean, is that necessary?

Folds your laundry for if you can't be asked to do the correct thing and just shove it in a drawer and not give a shit if it's a bit crumpy.

Or put it on when it's wet and let it mold itself around your body.

This was a particular highlight for me, Anifab.

The intelligent toilet,

which you can personalise your kazi with your own settings, including ambient lighting, music, and the Amazon Alexa function, which presumably will be able to chip in while you're straining away, going about your daily business, with comments such as, can I help you with that crossword you seem to be struggling with?

Would you like to know how to tell when your chicken is properly cooked for next time so this doesn't happen again?

Or now I understand how you've broken your 800-meter personal best 14 weeks in a row.

Clearly, it's an amazing product, the intelligent toilet, although you do still have to do your own.

I mean, well, do I need to spell it out?

But it's the kind of product that should be airdropped over places like Yemen and Sudan and refugee camps and war zones and famine-struck regions of the world with a message strapped to it saying, This is how little we care about you.

Sincerely, the First World.

Do you think there'll come a time, Andy, where people will be wondering, how did we ever go to the toilet without an Alexa?

I guess so.

I guess I just

think it's just further evidence that as a species we need to focus.

Other gadgets that were could have been at the fair but were not include the Najtek ethical jockstrap for the easily confused but horny male in today's complex world.

Based on the medieval chastity belts, the ethical jockstrap will only unclasp itself from the wearer's gonadulums when explicit consent is given, recommended for idiots and sexual egomaniacs.

Also, the ask detecting chair.

Never sit down on the wrong bit of your body again.

The ask detecting chair will sound an alarm as soon as you take a seat on your knees, shoulder, face or elbows with an unobtrusive and helpfully constructive suggestion that you might be sitting down wrong.

If you sit down correctly on your backside, the chair will pay a little trumpet fanfare to congratulate you and encourage you to keep up the good work it's that kind of thing we respond to as consumers these days

your emails now and this comes in from Carl Custer who writes hello bugle team as an American I feel my ignorance should take priority over the rest of the world's

one I would just like to hear that in an inauguration speech someday as out loud rather than merely as the subtext

Carl continues, I wanted to make a humble request of Andy to do a bit where he compares the sports of the world to cricket.

is there a way to explain cricket by demeaning other beloved sports what is cricket asked carl imagine american football but more arm waving and fewer injuries it's not that if you want to know what cricket is just imagine the best thing that you've ever seen and then imagine something that is more than twice as good as that and that's essentially all you need to know you ask carl is cricket basically like is baseball essentially cricket but with more manual scropal redistribution um which i think is one of the key stumbling stumbling block clauses in the Brexit Agreement.

And is

compared with soccer?

Is it this soccer-like cricket, but with more Brazilian corruption?

Well, I mean,

there's no point comparing cricket to anything in the human realm because it does not belong there.

Carl continues, I just bought my tickets for the Bell House Show in Brooklyn, New York.

Good point, Carl.

Yes, the Bugle is coming to America.

The tour begins in Brooklyn on the 26th of February.

Details are available on the Bugle website and the internet.

Not all of the dates are yet on sale, but there are, I believe, 12 shows in a very short space of time.

So I'm kind of hoping that the government is no longer shut down then because I imagine that might make getting from one place to another slightly logistically problematic.

Do come along to all of those shows.

Keep your emails flooding in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com, including your suggestions for what operation Chris should have next.

That brings us to the end of this week's Bugle.

Next week, we have Alice Fraser and Nish Kumar and No Chris, who will be recuperating from having a bionic robot hip installed.

I've got Box Set TV ready.

Yep.

Grapes.

Next week's Bugle, which is going to be great.

There we go.

Get well soon.

Thank you for listening, Buglers.

Anivab, delighted to have you on again.

And we'll be back next week.

Until then, Buglers, goodbye.

Goodbye, all.

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.