Symptomless Blitz: 4087

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Please welcome to the stage Andy Zoltzberg

Andy

Thank you.

Hello Buglers.

Welcome, welcome to the Leicester Square Theatre for this, the Bugle Live.

Here we are in London's glamorous Leicester Square region.

Today is...

No wonder this country is f ⁇ ed.

It is Wednesday the 14th of November.

is also another day ticked off in the slow willful self-immolation of humanity and it is also International Describe an Egg Day.

Roundish.

I am.

Very good.

Good brand recognition.

So who here has listened to the bugle before?

And who here has never listened to the bugle?

I love these guys.

These are always my favourite ones.

And Madam, do you you mind if I ask

why you're here?

Oh, right.

So, this is a date, essentially.

Yeah, a bugle date.

That is tantamount to saying this relationship has gone as far as it can possibly go.

So, happy birthday.

How old are you?

29.

So, hang on, let's just see if we can get the internet going here.

So, born on the 31st of August

1989.

so therefore

I think I'm right saying conceived around about the start of December 1988

let's just find out what was going on in the world then

I always thought this was just bullshit I can't believe you're actually on Wikipedia

Right, there was a major cyclone in Bangladesh that left five million people homeless.

The great American rock singer Roy Orbison died of a heart attack?

Your parents are fing animals.

This, by which I mean welcome to the show.

Happy birthday.

This is the Bugle Live doubling up as issue 4087 of the world's one remaining source of unashamed lies.

All other news outlets pretend to be telling the truth.

At least we have the decency and honesty to lie to your faces.

And we are here in London on Wednesday, the 14th of November.

A historic anniversary because this is the north anniversary of

insert whatever turns out to have happened with the Brexit cabinet shit today.

When and if it ever becomes clear,

and if you can do so without screaming, why, why, for f sake, why?

On this day, in 1943, a young serviceman on the US Navy destroyer USS William D.

Porter accidentally fired an armed torpedo at the battleship Iowa, which was not ideal.

And it was even less not ideal when you factor in that on the Iowa were A, the President of the United States of America, B, Franklin D.

Roosevelt, C, A and B are the same,

D, Cordell Hull, the Secretary of State, and E, most of the leading figures in the US military.

the Iowa managed to swerve and avoid the torpedo, and everyone lived happily ever after.

But as mistakes at work go,

that could have been the all-time champion forevermore.

How was work today, dear?

Oh, not bad.

Oh, actually, there was one little

incident.

Oh, did you jam paper in the photocopier again, darling?

I've warned you about that.

No, I blew up the president by mistake and wiped out the entire command structure of the American military.

Oh, no, they'll dock your Christmas bonus for that, love.

It's right right up there with the biggest ever workplace errors, including Captain Smith saying, I'll teach that big icy bastard a lesson or two with my unsinkable whopper ship.

Julius Caesar forgetting to put on his anti-stab jacket into work in 44 BC, and God saying, all done on day six and knocking off for the weekend.

As always,

some sections of the bugle are going straight,

including this week in 1927,

in October of 1927, in fact, just 91 years and a month ago, the pro-celebrity inventor and pigeon-obsessive Nikola Tesla announced six new inventions, including the single-phase electric motor.

I thought that might get a cheer.

Clearly no fans of single-phase electric motors.

What did you prefer the dual-phase electric motors?

You f ⁇ ing weirdos.

To mark this anniversary, we are announcing six new inventions.

that the yeah that's better

uh that the bugle uh is doing on behalf of tesla uh which he would probably have done today had he not failed at his attempts to invent the Nick Tez electronic personal home immortality cubicle with anti-clog popping technology and instead died in 1943.

So our six new inventions to mark the 91st and a bit anniversary of Tesla's six inventions.

Number one, the Grouve.

The ultimate in bedspreads, a disco-enabled duvet that

wakes you up with a gradually loudening selection of bass-heavy funky 70s classics

from its inbuilt Bluetooth natural electronic albatross feather filling.

The alternating pet.

Why commit yourself to one type of pet?

The Tesla Poocherbel Caterpin 3.2

patent pending can be a dog when you want a companionable carnivore with house guarding skills, a cat for when you want something to drink some milk and then show you its ass.

A terrapin just because.

And a gerbil for those times you want to see something scuttling about in a wheel generating electricity for the Nick Tez time machine that you were given for Christmas in 17 years' time.

Invention number three, the wireless reverse pulse commitment harver.

Have you said you'll do a series of things, and now realizing that you're overrunning and possibly condensing the rest of the show, the commitment harver

using

electroplasmatic photonologic slicing technology, disrupts disrupts the space-time continuum to expunge 50% of what you've said you'll do from your to-do list, enabling you to just get on with whatever else you have on.

Those are our six inventions.

Thank you.

Right.

I think it was just about worth it, that joke.

Anyways.

Now, are you ready to meet our two Bugle co-hosts for today?

Good, that could have been an extremely awkward pause that would have seemed a little bit racist.

Because, firstly,

from London, it's the man described by Inaccurate Comparison Monthly magazine as the thinking woman's Jane Austen,

Nish Kumar!

Hello, Andrew.

Hello, Christopher.

Hello, Buglers.

I'm glad that I'm here.

There was an unfortunate admin snafu earlier in the day where I thought this was tomorrow.

And the only reason I know

it's today is that I got a text from Felicity Ward and also a tweet from someone who I think is here at Liz Wilson NZ

who tweeted me saying, looking forward to seeing you tonight.

And I was like, that is very forward.

Because I've got my diary free, and that is one of the most confident propositionings I've ever been on the receiving end of.

Turns out that, no, it was, you know, and for a lot of people, that would have been difficult, Andy, to immediately adjust to having to do a satirical podcast in the evening.

Not for me, because I'd spent the preceding 15 minutes before I've received Felicity's text and Liz's tweet reading about Theresa May's Brexit deal whilst on the toilet.

Because that is the kind of guy I am.

Also, and I'm now only ever going to read about Brexit on the toilet because it turns out the toilet is the absolute perfect vantage point for reading about Brexit because you're essentially sat in the fug of a mess of your own making before flushing the whole thing down the drain.

Proper

three-dimensional satire.

Three-dimensional fecal satire.

I am, and hear this on hear this on every level, the shit John Oliver.

Who?

Secondly, oh, well, you've already heard who it's going to be on this year's team.

Why are you guys always ganging up on me?

Please welcome the wonderful Felicity Ward!

I don't know how this is supposed to work because I can't see anyone here.

But then this way, I've just got arrested on my tits.

For the people listening at home, I'm talking about the computer, and I don't think that clears anything up, actually.

I mean, Felicity, that looks like an unwinnable war between laptop and physics that's going on.

My nickname is Spiller, by the way, so I look forward to breaking the most expensive piece of equipment that I own in my house.

Right, it's time for top story this week.

The aliens are coming.

Yay!

This is very exciting news.

Well, in fact, they may have come and already left because

Irish authorities have investigated a series of UFO sightings.

Pilots of commercial airliners, many of them reported seeing the same thing.

A pilot of a BA flight said it was moving so fast, it came up on our left-hand side, then reared rapidly to the north.

It was a very bright light that disappeared at very high speed.

So, obviously, aliens.

It could have been

the future of the United Kingdom.

It could have been the soul of the USA.

It could have been the ghost of democracy future.

Who knows?

More likely, aliens taking one look at this planet and thinking, not now.

Not now.

Nish,

if you were an alien

coming to this planet now, would you stick around?

I mean, absolutely not.

But I mean, I think we should all be very worried about this because as it is, we've got enough problems with Brexit dealing with the Irish border on land.

Now we've got to worry about the Irish border with space.

This alien visit could f the entire thing.

It's just a shame because before the aliens it was all going so well.

What really concerns me about this is that in the article it says the spokesman added it was unlikely to be aliens, fine, but the thing that really concerned me was that he added, from another planet.

Now,

does that mean that there are already aliens living here?

If there are, I think we can all agree, Mitch McColl and Nigel Farage.

Those two f ⁇ ing people are not human.

I spent most of this afternoon staring at their faces after I've done my Brexit shit.

And there is some kind of humanoid reptilian thing at work there.

And let's not forget Michael Gove.

He can't clap, mate.

That's a giveaway.

That's classic alien giveaways.

Like, oh, clap, what are you doing with your hands?

He's like the guy in men in black whose skin suit doesn't fit on properly.

I mean, that is a very specific rep.

I love men in black.

And the tragic thing about men in black is that if it were made now, the least realistic thing would be that a branch of the federal government had a positive attitude to immigrants and also had a high-ranking employee who is a black man.

Is anyone here an alien?

Did you just never know these days?

Your crowd work is as sharp as it's ever been, Tolson.

But

if we're assuming that the aliens had come to Britain, it is on the evidence of this week no great surprise that they have, in layman's terms, fed right off again.

Presumably, they looked at Britain and thought, oh, we've read that this was once a great global imperial power, a nation with everything needed to be happy, successful, and harmonious, and now appears to be tearing itself apart like a ham-loving pig.

Now, as we speak,

truly one of the worst Jews of all time

With its own movie, Hammerball.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Only six people in Niche enjoying that, and I'm one of the six.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

So as we speak, and we're recording this on Wednesday, Theresa May is locked in the cabinet.

Meeting.

Meeting.

Sorry, I missed off the word meeting.

Locked in the cabinet.

I assume she's just locked herself in a filing cabinet, to be honest.

It's very exciting, isn't it?

Waiting for the news of this deal to come out.

It's like excitingly waiting to unwrap your presents at Christmas, wondering if Santa's bought you a box of steaming wolf shit, or a flagon of still warm crocodile vomit, or an exploding gerbil, or a combination of all three,

or a commemorative Boris Johnson figurine

that shits wolf shit, pukes crocodile chunda, and then explodes in a flurry of sawdust and half-digested seeds.

That's what we're looking at.

Are you excited about the deal?

Let's do a quick straw poll here of the audience for the Bugle podcast at the Leicester Square Theatre in London's Leicester Square

district.

Give me a cheer if you voted leave

and give me a cheer.

Honestly, honestly, you are more likely to have found an alien.

And give me a cheer if you voted remain.

Who would have thought it?

A podcast recording

hosted by a lefty comedian best known for his, only known for his podcast.

Yeah, and your guests are an Australian woman and the chocolate warrior.

Or as I say about my husband, a foreigner and someone that looks like a foreigner.

What?

You're saying there's a difference?

Why were we not told this before the referendum?

One of the many things we were not told.

Nish, have you got any updates for us from the?

Yeah, I do actually.

There is genuinely breaking news as we're on stage.

Theresa May has shat herself to death.

No,

no.

This is the first time I've ever felt aligned with her.

I really understand that.

I have irritable bowel syndrome.

She's just given a statement as we're recording.

She's just come out Downing Street and has said

she said that there was going to be a press conference at 5pm and has emerged two hours later and you're like, you're not Lauren Hill, mate.

No one is going to wait that long for your bullshit.

But she has said that the Cabinet has now agreed a draft Brexit withdrawal agreement, right?

So so she's going to present it to Parliament tomorrow, but she said that they've agreed it.

Now, just to be clear, right, even if they have agreed it, this is only half of what we need to do, right?

The other things that we need to do are replace all of the EU laws that currently help govern our country and also make trading agreements with the EU.

So, we are not even halfway done, and it is almost also they have had, as of Saturday, it will be 876 days since the Brexit vote.

I don't know what they've been finging doing that we are in a position where they are not finished.

Just to give you some context for that, in 876 days, you could have completed the principal photography on the Lord of the Rings trilogy twice

I'm not saying that you'd done you'd have done the effects that took another year per film in post-production

so you'd be left with a lot of footage of Andy Serkis in a green onesie and Sauron being played by a massive tennis ball

but you'd still have done principal photography in a time in which we have done the square root of fall

premier foods have apparently started stockpiling provisions.

They're the owners of Bisto, and they're stockpiling raw materials due to fears of what may happen after Brexit gridlock.

So, what we basically have here is a symptomless blitz,

which is genius in a lot of ways, isn't it?

Symptomless blitz.

I think we wanted to just start hunkering down under shelters and just.

I think they're very clever because if Brexit, if Brexit's carried out, the one thing that will properly tip the UK over the edge...

Sorry, mate.

No, do you need a...

I don't know what it is.

Symptomless Blitz.

Don't apologise.

You're laughing, mate.

It's beautiful.

He's like the wordsworth of bullshit.

It's like the words worth of words.

I just, I think it's very clever stockpiling bisto because if we all go insane once Brexit has actually happened, the one thing that's going to tip us over the edge is a f ⁇ ing gravy shortage.

Like if you can't have gravy after Brexit, what is the point of leaving the EU?

Also, you never stockpile things for a good reason.

No.

Like no one's like, what are you up to?

Oh, I'm stockpiling beers for my house party.

Like, no one's gonna tell you to stockpile seasons greetings for Christmas

Theresa May more breaking news just said that the withdrawal agreement is a decisive step enabling the UK to move on very similar to the decisive step that Captain Oates took

he went for his little wander

I'm laughing at that, but I have no idea what that means.

I just thought I'd do a shout out for any dumb f ⁇ ks in the audience like me.

Hey!

Represent!

Didn't go to uni, no surprises there.

Well, see, what you've got, see, the thing you've got here, Felicity, is that you are Australian.

I mean, you don't need to say that like a burn.

No, no,

say that like a burn.

The tone on the word Australian suggested even if you had gone to university in Australia, you would have the intelligence equivalent.

I think what we've learned a sort of difference in the way we look at our country's history, because Australia tends to only look back on the triumphs, whereas we in Britain we like to remember remember our incompetences.

And

Captain Oates was part of a Scott's expedition to the Antarctic that got a creditable silver medal.

Be fair.

Unfortunately then indulged in a fatal lap of honour around Antarctica.

Well, look, I don't want to pay top trumps here, but one of our prime ministers drowned and we didn't look for him.

So

you can take your

trip to the Antarctic.

Good for you.

Shows what a winning culture you've got.

He's obviously a loser if he can't swim back to shore.

Didn't Captain Oates make all the cereal that we're now stockpiling?

Chris has started bringing his own puns to Buglegit.

What the f ⁇ ?

I was going to say, a lot of people groomed us.

I was like, it's going to be a long f ⁇ ing night for you.

It's been a, I mean, look, it's been a bad couple of, another bad couple of weeks for Brexit news.

So there's been a, there were some developments last week when the Brexit secretary, Dominic Raab, revealed that he, quote, hadn't quite fully understood the extent of the reliance on Dover by the United Kingdom.

Now,

as an island, you would have thought that'd be pretty f ⁇ ing crucial information.

Dominic Raab

has been praised.

In The Guardian today, they reported that he's quite well thought of in Brussels because they said he's been an assiduous Brexit secretary, noted in London and Brussels for taking a more active approach than the generally laissez-faire David Davis.

Laissez-faire, of course, a common French expression meaning lazy,

right?

But if I'm completely honest with you, I'm not surprised that Dominic Rubb didn't know about the importance of Dover because I have actually had a run-in with Dominic Raab when I met him on question time and he thought I was Gina Miller's brother.

So Dominic Raub can't tell Asians apart.

Why on earth would he, if he'd been invited round to my aunt's house last Sunday for Diwali or as he calls it, Ramadan, there would have been

There would have been all sorts of confusion he'd been walking up to every single person saying nice to meet you Nish before eventually exclaiming well I give up this is basically like trying to find a brown needle in a chocolate haystack

Can we just go back for a second?

People have been watching a door for two hours tomorrow and I just don't think we touched on that enough.

People have watched footage of a door, which is still less wooden than watching Theresa May speak.

What do you think took her so long?

You reckon she just couldn't remember the moves to Macarena and she's like,

I'm going to have to polish this turd somehow.

Or maybe just finally her whole teeth fell out.

You know how she looks like she's just trying to keep them in?

Like she's got two loose dentures at all times.

And she's just trying to style it out.

Like, and I don't know if you know the show Mr.

Ed, but

it was an American show.

And I'm not comparing her to a horse at all.

I know that's very sexist, but what they used to do is they used to give him molasses or peanut butter.

They used to give it to chimpanzees too, so their mouths would move in Hollywood films so then they could voice over.

What if they've just given Teresa a whole bunch of peanut butter and she's trying to keep the dentures in while someone's throwing their voice from another room?

Am I wrong?

There is always a country that is even more f than us.

So let's.

Nice, you're our official Donald Trump correspondent.

Yep.

That's why I've aged 50 years in the last two years.

Yep, that's right.

The man who puts the white nationalist into the phrase the president of America is a white nationalist

has had a very, very tricky couple of weeks.

It started badly for tax avoidance's man of the century when he lost, saw the Republican Party lose their majority in Congress.

Then he gave a press conference which devolved into a shouting match and then he missed a Remembrance Day event in France due to it raining.

Now, that sounds really shocking, but what you have to understand is Donald Trump is a Kremlin.

You don't get him wet, you don't feed him after dark, and you don't expose him to bright lights.

It's all funny.

Imagine how disrespectful it would have been if he'd bitten Emmanuel Macron.

I think people would have just thought, yeah, that stacks up.

Then you'd have a parade of people on television being like, well, maybe this is a refreshing way of approaching politics, just biting other world leaders.

Just let them fight it out, mate.

Just let them fight out.

They'll get tired and come to a policy soon.

Trump was very adamant

in the lead up to the midterms about the caravan of migrants.

That was the big sort of fear phrase that he used.

And apparently they've disappeared now.

It's all fine.

But I was just thinking about it.

The caravan really is the least respected form of transportation, isn't it?

It's like there's a lot of discrimination against the caravan.

Like the penny farthing of migrants doesn't carry the same threat,

I understand.

And I just don't know what's so terrifying about a portable house.

I don't know if it's the difficulty in reverse parking or I just, is it the freedom, ironically?

I don't know.

It's like a cordless vacuum cleaner.

I could clean anywhere.

Anyway,

I was just thinking about it.

And many of the caravan of migrants, which sounds like a very real Ewok movie, it...

It made that they made the journey on foot from Honduras, which is nearly 3,000 miles away.

And I was just, the whole time, I was just thinking, I hope at least one of of them has a Fitbit.

You know, like, can you imagine

you'd be so smart.

You're like, yeah, I've done 9 million steps this week, actually.

What is puzzling about this, though, was there appeared to be no contingency plan for if it rained.

That is the correct response.

Yeah, I mean, Donald Trump is essentially a British train.

Absolutely no way of making him function if the weather does anything.

Because you'd think they always have a contingency plan.

This is what all previous people from the White said there's always a contingency plan, which makes me think they had a contingency plan and they decided that would be worse, which makes me think the contingency plan was for Donald Trump to parade around a World War I cemetery, urinating on soldiers' graves.

Celebrating, I think, is the verb you're looking for.

I mean, if Sarah Saunas would have come out and fronted up to the World's Press to explain that he was merely fertilizing the flowers on those graves

and or that the president's wee wee is magic.

So um

well there was look there was zero visibility and his chopper couldn't fly and then the motorcade would have added to the traffic and then apparently there was an Uber price surge.

So like I get it and as someone whose hair does respond badly to rain as well, Andy, you will have this, I can see.

I've got the same hair as Andy.

I've just got some in the middle.

I just

I understand not wanting to go out into the rain but there is a product that I've been using for a couple of years called an umbrella and it really

quite effective.

I don't know if you saw this two things once obviously

Donald Trump went on to Twitter and he does these really long Twitter threads that go for they go I don't know for like five or six and every time I'm on there I'm like why doesn't he just get a WordPress account like start a blog mate it's fine and he he went on this big rant God bless you he went on this big rant.

I'm very courteous,

even in the middle of a rant.

It won't happen.

God won't bless him or God's off duty.

It's a lovely gesture.

But anyway, carry on.

So British.

This is futile.

Here he comes, the worst dealer of all time.

Surely that was Jesus.

I mean, just in terms of

purely in terms of adverse effect on market share,

Jesus is going to be very, very hard to beat.

I'm not saying he was a bad man.

I'm saying he was historically a bad Jew.

Not good for the brand.

No, exactly not.

What was odd that Trump said that he didn't want to disrupt traffic in Paris?

When you think of all the things he has disrupted, for example, the entirety of international politics.

Yeah.

And the U.S.

legal system.

But traffic, no, traffic, absolutely, absolutely not.

He tweeted Make France Great Again, which is not, you know, how they say Make America Great Again and they shorten it to MAGA.

MFGA is just not as catchy, and it just sounds like a drunken swear word.

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

So, yeah, he tweeted Make France Great Again,

or as it would be translated into French, Aui biencien nu pétêtre vous drencoi transforme la belle fran jusque de danc, los conflau, nation qui soron contranci avegla la salad ni squares de du foi verte.

Tratre, vrémont magnific de beuf.

Never.

Not the most concise of languages, to be fair.

You still sounded like a French Richie Benno.

Every impression you do has got a little bit of Richie Benno, and I don't mind it.

The best kind of Richie Benno.

I understand that this is not the big Trump news of this week or of any time, but it was big news in my life for reasons that will become quite quickly apparent.

Yesterday, Donald Trump made three attempts to tweet Happy Diwali.

Now, first of all, week late.

But it's fine.

It's absolutely fine.

The reason he kept having to make attempts is he kept on forgetting to include Hindus in the list of religions that celebrate Diwali, which is quite surprising given that it is a Hindu festival.

And he kept on saying, he kept on tweeting Jains who do celebrate Jains, Buddhists, and Sikhs.

Happy Devali, but he forgot Hindus.

It was the sort of majority people who.

And a lot of the

Indian friends of mine were very upset about this.

I'm actually quite relieved because I would rather Hindus were not on his radar.

Given how much he loves hamburgers, he would probably consider our attitude to beef an act of holy war.

Like, I'm perfectly happy for him to think that we're just weird Muslims.

I mean, surely you want to be left off any list that Donald Trump is making.

Just some breaking news on Trump.

The UN have just launched a new decoy country to

take Trump's attention away from real places.

The new decoy country, Muslimistan, will be

inflated and floated out across the Pacific to provide provide a new focus for global politics.

Have you any more on Trump or should we bury that twitching horse?

We have milked that pumpkin.

Well, that's what we do in our house.

How do you get the juice out of the pumpkin?

Feels like that's White House slang at the moment

for getting him to give a statement.

Has anyone milked the pumpkin?

No, he's coming up seeds mate he's just coming up seeds

that's going to end it immediately

nish you're our world democracy correspondent i've got a broad brief in the bugle

the iraqi prime minister adel abdul mahdi uh has uh taken slightly uh unorthodox approach uh to staffing his new government uh given that he allowed people to just apply online so just anyone uh he he's found he's found five people from purely online applications.

So it seems like the Iraqi government is now being constructed on monster.com, right?

It's, I mean, it's maybe this is the future for democracy.

We already know it wouldn't work in the case of this country because if we used any sort of social media, because he used Facebook to make the announcement, if we used any sort of social media, our entire cabinet would be made up of men called Sergei who work in bot farms in St.

Petersburg.

It wouldn't, Nish.

It would be made up of men called Minister McMinister faces.

We can't be trusted.

We cannot be trusted.

So there's 14 cabinet members and they're going to be chosen out of the 15,000 applicants, which is still better odds than me getting a f ⁇ ing Spice Girls ticket this week.

I'm yelling at someone clapping.

It was tough, wasn't it?

Did you get one?

It's tough, isn't it?

It is shit, man.

I don't think either of you people should have been buying tickets to the Spice Girls, given that we now know they're alarmingly right-wing.

They come out in favor of Theresa May and Brexit, and as I've consistently maintained, they're the most racist group of all time because they had one black member and they called her scary.

I've been very clear,

very, very clear that the Spice Girls are a right-wing, racist institution.

That may be so, but their songs are so catchy.

I mean, they've got outfits, they've got dance moves.

Come on Nish get on board

if you die you'll die dancing

Zigga Zigga was actually an SS catchphrase

the sound of you falling off somewhere Zigga Ziggy

I can you imagine I this is what makes me really happy about this is just how many prank CVs were sent in just so many just the like oh this guy studied at the school of university, he's got a PhD in your mum.

Delicious.

What was this PhD in?

Yamum.

It's pronounced Yemen.

Oh sorry.

For the people who don't like puns you can stick that in your Jackson.

Well I think we have a new catchphrase for the show for licensing.

Thank you very much.

Stick that in your jacksy.

In other global democracy news,

exciting times for Ethiopian politics.

Which is not a topic we've covered a huge amount.

No, we've not done a huge amount of Ethiopia.

But the anticipation in the room is bubbling at fever pitch.

They have their first female president.

President...

And the Prime Minister recently appointed a cabinet with half the post taken up by women.

So, Felicity, on behalf of your gender, don't f ⁇ it up.

But this is all we want.

We just want an equal opportunity to fail at a government level, like men have been able to do, you know?

That's what we want.

I just...

Why can't I eat shit in a global level, you know?

But I'm just not sure women have the right capabilities to be as dysfunctionally incompetent as men are.

Give them a chance, Andy.

Give them a chance, Mate.

I know it's an old-fashioned view, but that's just the way I see it.

What I really liked is that she came out and she said, her name is Saleh Work Zude.

I'm sure I'm mispronouncing that.

And she said she's very focused on gender equality and then said to the MPs that if they thought that she was talking too much about women, that she'd only just begun.

And then she just let off an air horn and pointed to a vagina and said, tell it to the the judge.

Family show.

What is it with Australian women on this podcast, honestly?

It's like we should take an opportunity where we can get it to just celebrate a genuinely good piece of news.

That's really it.

We've been so starved of everything that we're like, now we're just anything.

Oh, great, good.

Ethiopia's elected female leader.

Oh, good feet.

That's great.

Good for them.

Good for Ethiopia.

I'm just, I'm really looking forward to things for obvious, perhaps obvious reasons.

I'm really looking forward for everything to be upended and in 50 years' time for the nations of Africa to invade Britain to bring democracy, stability, and harmony.

That is what I am waiting for.

A coalition of all the African nations and India to finally take back control.

What if all the colonies just banded together?

That would be so.

And then just turn back to the UK and go, We've got a bone to pick with you, mate.

I've got to be honest with you.

I know I was born here and I'm British.

I'll turn on you white in a second.

That is

the BBC's Nish Koonan.

And

non-partisan, non-partisan.

Nish, I'm just

written down in a newspaper

with no context.

I just live tweeted that actually.

I will turn on you once in a second.

I believe the phrase was white.

Sorry, sorry, mate.

That was rude of me.

I regret nothing.

Right, we're going to have a quick audience QA now.

Let's try and avoid historical figures you would like to kill.

Kill, do kill.

Here comes Chris with the mic.

Do you have any questions for the panel today?

I can tell you that at the moment, Nish has four points and Felicity has five points.

Oh, there we go.

How are you guys?

Good, mate.

How are you?

Yeah, we're good.

Was that your question?

Was that it, mate?

Was that it?

Next question.

That was it, yeah.

Oh, that was it.

That was it.

That was genuinely it.

That was it.

I think we need to watch it.

That is a spectacular piece of Olympic-level trolling of Chris from that man.

I mean, sometimes it's really hard to know what you're going to keep in the show and what you're going to cut.

But I mean, maybe.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

For the listeners at home, Chris had to walk about 17 miles to get to that show.

Excuse me.

Anyway,

bit of a concerning seating position.

Chris is currently sat next to my parents.

I'm in the family zone right now.

Speaking of strong women looking at Nish disappointingly.

I'm currently sat in the row with my parents, Nish's parents, and sandwiched between them is Alice Fraser.

How you doing?

It's nice that we have a family box.

It makes Bugle live recordings like Wimbledon.

Was that your question?

That's worse than the guy at the back.

I cannot believe Chris saw Alice's hand go up and didn't anticipate exactly what was about to happen.

We finish.

We finish

with news from a disappointing night for the Impressionists

at Sotheby's.

They had an auction, Impressionism versus Modern Artists, another riveting late second millennium derby.

If you don't know what's coming,

you're in for a very, very

tricky 3 to 67 minutes.

Some of the top Impressionists like Edgar Dagar and Edouard Mano failed to hip top form and end up sulking unsold on the bench at the end of the auction.

And the Surrealist manager, Giuseppe Lipsici, did not spare his star players from criticism.

He said, Edgar and Edward are big stars, but they've got to f ⁇ ing produce on on the biggest stage.

When the likes of Rene McGritt are shifting surrealist shit for 27 mil, you've got to respond with something a bit more inventive than another fing duck pond.

Take that, Monet.

Now,

but actually I had a.

You wouldn't believe this, but

I've got a friend who's a modern artist, and he's obsessed with it, and his work spans many of the leading genres of modern art from the late 19th century onwards.

And once he was actually doing a painting of roosting birds in a kind of Vincent van Gogh style, and

he asked me if he could help him out by sourcing, buying, and then sending him

some of the things that the birds roosted in.

And specifically of German birds from the 19th century.

He wanted me to post impression nests.

Post impression nests?

Anyway, he went to see...

The po is so long.

It's so long.

He went to see an exhibition of Picasso and George Brack paintings.

He told me he was so excited.

He camped outside the gallery for three days to make sure he got in.

He was South African, my friend.

He said, Andy, it's the longest I've ever waited in line for anything.

I set a new personal cubist.

Cubist.

Cubist.

Cubist.

Can I just point out, I know for a fact you have family from South Africa, and that accent was worse than Leonardo DiCaprio's in blood diamonds.

Anyway, he started wearing fake t-shirts,

he called them faux vists.

He opened a new gallery.

I said, Didn't many people come in?

He said, There weren't many locals, but a few tourists, a few tourists.

And he got parasites in his hair from all the strain.

He treated it by buying a very expensive hat.

I said, Well, how's that going to get rid of them?

And he said, Well, it's 99% psychological.

You have to make them so overwhelmed by what an amazing, style, an amazingly stylish person you are, that they leave your head.

You've got to impress your knits.

Impress your knits.

He wrote this huge great essay ranting about how sex packs are overrated.

He called it his abstract.

Anyway,

I told him that

his favourite half of an all-Jewish singer-songwriter duo had met a revolutionary 19th-century battlefield nurse.

He said, what, you're saying Garfunkel met Nightingale?

I said, yeah, art new flow.

Anyway, I told him that.

This run is the end of art.

He told me that next year, ten months from now, two leading Tories are going to have an old-fashioned pistol fight to the death at dawn, and it's going to be broadcast on a radio station specialising in low-quality pop music.

I said, let me make a note of that using abbreviations to save time.

Now, where are we now?

November.

Okay.

Conceptual heart.

Conceptual art?

Conceptual.

I mean.

Okay, fair point.

Now you take their feelings off.

He was obsessed with creatures with no legs.

He had loads in his collection, some aquatic, some reptilian, but he got confused about which was which.

I can't tell them apart, Andy.

I know some are snakes.

I'll write those ones down.

And I'll write down the ones that I know for definite are fish.

Good idea, I said.

Make a Shuriel list.

Shuriel list.

Oh!

Da-da!

Got it.

Actually,

I tested many of these on my dog and my wife.

I didn't get any laughs from the missus, but I got a few bow wows.

Bow wows.

Anyway, to finish, my friend gave up art, went into acting.

He got cast on an advert for Rice Krispies.

He rang me up, very excited.

He said, I didn't get a role of snap.

They passed me over for crackle, but don't tell me.

I said, they gave you the pot part.

Pop part.

And don't forget, don't forget, Friday, the 16th of November, is the International Day for Tolerance.

So, all that is left now

for you to buy

worthless merchandise on the way out, is to show your appreciation for the two wonderful Beawle co-hosts tonight.

Felicity Ward,

Nish the Hammer Kumar,

Chris the Producer,

I've been Andy Zoltsman.

Thanks for the Leicester Square Theatre.

Goodbye.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.