Hari Kondabolu Day: Bugle 4084

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, bonjour, monsieur and mademoiselle Buglers.

Hola Bugleros Gutenpag meiner kleiner buglesnitzen.

Niehau buglers and hello buglers.

That's for our listeners in New Zealand.

Welcome to issue 4084 of the Bugle.

I am Andy Zaltzman and the buck stops with me.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I'm Andy Zaltzmann and I've just ordered a whole roast venison.

It amounts to the same thing.

It is Thursday the 18th of October 2018.

I'm here in London and I'm joined from New York City, almost precisely two years since he helped relaunch the bugle back in episode 4001 by Hari Kondabolu.

Hello Hari, how are you?

Hey Andy, I'm doing well.

Has the bugle been launched then?

Is it currently orbiting the world?

Is it doing what it was supposed to do?

Well, as you know, Hari, not everything that launches necessarily stays launched.

So it's kind of...

I think it's just sort of hovering just off the launch pad where it's basically been since 2007.

So launched, but not entirely stratospheric.

Now, this is episode 4084, Hari.

numbers that are divisible by four which is ironic because you famously have been waging war against the Simpsons who only have four digits on each hand, so probably find it easier to count in fours and are therefore much more likely to listen to this episode.

So things could get extremely awkward as this as this show goes on.

Man, that was a lot of work to get a Simpsons reference in.

That was not I mean, I uh we've never really talked about The Simpsons in great depth, but I was wondering when it would come up, and I did not expect it to come up in such a bizarre roundabout fashion.

Right.

And and and have have there been like vendettas against you since from other animated cartoon characters?

Or

well, South Park had an episode recently called The Problem with a Pooh, which is about their character, Mr.

Hanky, which is a talking piece of poo,

being kicked off the show or being sent away from South Park.

So that was kind of weird to have somewhat of an homage.

And all I said was an obviously somewhat racist cartoon character was racist based on very obvious facts about said cartoon character being brown paint and voiced by a white guy.

That's all I said.

And I strung that out for 47 minutes with a bunch of other information on a basic cable network, which is only available in the United States.

And somehow I'm learning what slurs for Indian people are in Germany, in Australia, in Denmark.

The movie didn't even play there.

Right.

But I mean, why do you hate animated yellow people so much, Hurry?

Because what they did to my village.

What am I supposed to say?

It's very, very bizarre.

And

it's very weird also that like Matt Groening,

Hank Azaria.

Al Gene, who runs the show, and Mike Reese, who's one of the head writers of that show, has written for The Simpsons Forever.

It's weird that they all

still talk about it and that they all know about me.

And the only satisfaction I get out of me having to talk about it all the time is that they have to talk about it all the time.

And that little bit of torture, the fact that when Matt Groening is promoting his Netflix cartoon series, he has to talk about Apu, that little bit of torture pleases me.

It pleases me, Andy.

Wait till my show about Krusty the Clown comes out.

Honestly, Jewish people in Shobis, we're the last persecuted minority.

We are back in the Cock Lane studio here in London,

which, as you may know, buglers, from previous episodes, is near St.

Paul's Cathedral.

And interesting story behind the name of St.

Paul's Cathedral.

It's called St.

Paul's because a load of mail from St.

Paul ended up being dumped there in about 50 AD.

Turns out he didn't send it all to the Corinthians and the f ⁇ ing Ephesians.

He wrote to all kinds of people.

I've actually got some of it here.

Here we have a letter from St.

Paul to the Roman philosopher statesman Seneca asking for a signed picture.

If my Latin is still up to scratch, it says, Love your work, could you make it out to poorly?

Letter to the Las Vegans telling them how Jesus would have gamed the roulette table because he was magic.

A letter to a local newspaper from St.

Paul complaining about a grammatical error in a report about a sheep-sharing competition.

Some things never change.

That's why it's known as St.

Paul's, and it's known as a cathedral because it is mathematically in shape a perfect cathedron.

There we go, that's a fact.

We are recording on the 18th of October.

On this day in 1963,

the first cat in space was, well, became the first cat in space, having been one of many, many cats not in space.

Félicette, a Parisian stray cat, she became the first cat in space, launched into space by the French Laika.

The still orbiting Soviet Cosmodog went absolutely f ⁇ ing nuts.

Felicette actually landed safely with a dead mouse in her cockpit, then got quite cocky for the rest of her life with her fellow felines.

Oh, well done, you've jumped onto the roof of a shed.

Did I ever tell you about the time when I went into finging space?

It's very hard to get that out of a cat's psyche.

There are pictures online of Felisette with the 13 human members of her launch team with a look in her catty eyes that very much says, you f ⁇ ing cowards.

This is the bugle for the week beginning the 22nd of October.

And on the 22nd of October in 1844,

that was the day of the great anticipation.

The followers of William Miller, the

notorious Christian man,

were expecting the end of the world to come with the second advent of Christ.

And the day following it, when this did not happen, became known as the Great Disappointment.

But

is it time to reassess?

the failure of the Millerites end of the world.

Because on the 23rd of October 1844, the renowned French actress Sarah Bernhardt was born.

She became one of the most influential figures in modern drama, a star of stage in the early days of screen, playing male roles, including Hamlet.

She was also a painter and a sculptor.

So let's look at the evidence.

She was skilled at turning

things into something else.

She was criticised by people who didn't really believe in her skills at the time, some of whom viewed her as something of a fraud.

She had a book of her thoughts and philosophies written up and published after her death, and was generally surrounded by a gaggle of adoring men, raising the question, did Jesus come back back as a French actress?

And I don't see any reason why he would not have done that if you were a male Jesus thinking you're going to have another crack at it.

Surely, A, you'd come back as a woman, just out of curiosity.

And B, if you'd spent all your life eating fairly unadventurous Middle Eastern food, you're going to go French.

You're absolutely definitely going to go French.

So was Sandra Bernhardt the reincarnation of Jesus?

Watch this space.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

We have, in fact, a a Brexit section going in the bin this week, including a commemorative bit of Europe each day from now until Brexit Day next March.

We will give you a free memento of British membership of the EU, beginning with, number one,

a cappuccino.

They were illegal in Britain before 1973.

We also look at the hidden implications of Brexit, including the Irish border.

Might we have to move Hadrian's Wall to the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic?

If so, who's going to patch it up if all the builders have gone back to f ⁇ ing Poland?

We look at food.

Will pizza be banned or will a compromise be reached in the final stage of negotiation in which pizza is still allowed, but only when topped with battered fish and chips?

We look at wages.

This is a potential big issue.

Will Britain have to change the way it pays its workforce from using money to using a combination of internally barterable British goods and a vague sense of national self-determination?

If so, will the bankers in the city of London get a disproportionate amount of indefinable patriotic pride compared with ordinary workers who'll be fobbed off with an earworm of rural Britannia and a digestive biscuit?

And we look at language.

Could British people have to give back all the words that we've taken from Latin, the ancient Germanic languages, Greek and French, leaving us only with a smattering of Viking terminology and whatever gibberish we were wittering on with before the Romans arrived with some properly structured sentences.

Also, we review David Cameron's trilogy of new books on his role in the Brexit referendum and its aftermath, beginning with Larks and Japes with George and Boris, the funny side of dicking around with a nation's future.

Installment two, Consequences, Schmonsequences, subtitled, It's No Use Crying Over spilt milk when none of the milk splosses on your own trousers.

And the final installation of the trilogy, Do I Look Like I Give a Shit?

That is an excellent read from the former Prime Minister, including very informative chapters on how to deal with non-discernible feelings of guilt, how to outsource responsibility and get well out of the way after screwing something up, and also havoc avoidance techniques for the wealthy and entitled.

Also, we have an audio Brexit Advent calendar counting down the days until the 29th of March 2019.

There are now 158 days until Brexit.

And here you go.

A bag ahead.

Do not open that until Monday, the 22nd of October.

That section in the bin.

You know, Andy, you know what other

special days on October 22nd?

I don't know that.

No.

What is that?

It's Hurried Kundabolu Day in the city of New York City.

Is it?

Wow.

Yeah, last year I got invited to a Diwali event

to speak at a Diwali event in New York City by the mayor's office, Mayor Bill de Blasio here in New York.

And initially, I thought, oh, this is cool.

This is a bit last second.

Somebody must have canceled.

It was about the week before.

You can suspect somebody canceled.

So I go there, I have to give a speech.

I think it's for a couple of hundred people.

I give the speech.

It's for over a thousand people.

That was a surprise.

And then after that, I'm given a plaque.

The mayor comes on stage and says, from now on, October 22nd is Hari Kundabolu Day.

So happy Hari Kundabolu Day to all Booghle listeners.

I mean how is this being

marked by the good people of New York?

Because I was in

New York on Halloween last year and awful lot of fancy dress.

Is it going to be everyone dressing up as you

on Monday the 22nd?

Is that what happened?

Well, it's funny, Andy.

Apparently, after it was recognized the first time, it's never been recognized again.

Right.

Not on any calendars.

School children don't learn about me.

It actually seems almost ceremonial and worthless.

But it is Hari Kondabolu Day in October 22nd, the day after my birthday.

So I get a two-day birthday every year.

Well, to me, Hari, the 21st and 22nd of October are always set aside as Hari Kondabolu days in my Zoltzmanic calendar.

On the 21st, not only your birthday,

but also the day that we recorded that first relaunch episode of the Bugle in New York, 21st of October 2016.

So,

frankly, I mean,

that is what those two.

I think they should be global holidays on those two days for the rest of time.

I completely agree with you.

I'm also very surprised that I chose to celebrate my birthday by recording the relaunch of the bugle.

That is very generous of me that on my birthday, I gave a present to the world.

Right.

I mean, that was your birthday present as well, is to get to hang out with me for an hour in a studio.

Sure.

Top story this week, and well, it's all been happening in the world of extrajudicial slayings by the Saudi government.

It's been a terrific week for that.

Not probably for the first time.

So far, Touchwood, this recording has not yet been interrupted by the Saudi secret services sneaking to our studios and disappearing, either me or Hari, has it?

Hari?

Hari,

are you still there?

Yeah, Andy.

I was just fucking with you.

Oh, okay.

I thought we maybe just sold them a fighter jet to get out of trouble.

This is an extraordinary story,

Hari.

I'm sure our listeners will already know the details, but the allegation is that the Saudi government have just murdered one of their own citizens in their embassy in Turkey.

And the international community has, well,

not showered them with compliments for this.

I think that's fair to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Especially the Turkish government, who's also frustrated that it happened on their turf.

And also, they've accused the Saudi government or whoever was sent by the Saudi government of cutting Khashoggi into pieces with a bone saw.

Or as Fox News put it, making more of him to love.

Which is a hell of a spin, which is a hell of a spin on this end.

Well, that's what they're good at.

It's very English of them, too, if they cut them into little pieces.

If I remember from several weeks ago, you told me that is a British tradition.

Well, yeah, that's how we, I mean, make things palatable without having any national culinary skills.

The Saudi Arabian reaction has been understandably confused

to receive this criticism from their international allies because, when you look at it, in Yemen, they've been bombing school buses and refugee camps, all the classic targets.

There have been thousands and thousands of civilian casualties, 50,000 children starved to death since a result of Saudi action in Yemen, and all their Western allies barely even twitching an eyebrow in reproach.

We in Britain and America, hurry, we've twiddled our thumbs, we've whistled the 1980s pop song and looked awkwardly out the window pretending to be really interested by a passing cloud shaped a bit like a splodge of mashed potato.

As Saudi Arabia have collaterally damaged thousands and thousands of people to death, and even as our friends and business partners have executed numerous political dissidents and conducted a regime of de facto gender apartheid.

We have tucked the Saudi billions demurely into our underpant elastic and undone a couple more buttons for them.

But they disappear, just one journalist, one waffer thin journalist, and all of a sudden we're up in arms.

It's no wonder they're so confused.

I think that's a very fair point.

And I also think that we're not looking at the positives that came out of this.

Right, okay.

It's really hard to look at that, but if you, you know, I did a little bit of reading.

Yep.

The person who drove the getaway car with the body was a woman.

Oh, wow.

What about that?

Yeah.

I mean, nobody talks about that.

You don't think that's progress?

I mean, this is one of the first fully feminist extrajudicial slings

in global political history.

Correct.

Yeah.

I don't see Trotsky being bumped off by a lady with an ice pick, do we?

Donald Trump's reaction has been, as always,

curious in that he sort of said, oh, well, they shouldn't have done it.

And then he said, well, maybe maybe they didn't do it.

And then he said, Even if they did do it, it's not going to make much difference because they're worth a fk of a lot of money to America.

And in some ways, I think you have to admire Trump for this because there is no world leader that is as prepared to wear the fool's gold lame crotchless panties of economic prostitution quite as brazenly as Donald Trump.

I mean, yes, it is wrong to kill, hack up, and vanish a journalist, but it's not wrong enough to lose sleep over.

Sorry, lose, lose jobs over, lose jobs or

sleep over.

I guess in Trump's moral universe, that's really all that counts.

I mean, it's obviously there's a lot of conflict of interest

from both the Saudi government and the U.S.

government in terms of their investigations.

From the U.S.

end, they're an administration that hates critical journalists that's investigating another administration who hates critical journalists.

And also, the Saudi government's

investigation is clearly going to be a little compromised since they're claiming they're making a concerted effort to prove they killed this man.

Curious.

You know what I mean?

Like, we are going to prove whether or not we did it.

So that's suspect.

And finally, I also question Trump because it's Trump.

And he made a claim because he makes claims, Andy.

He makes lots of claims.

He claimed it might have been rogue killers who killed Khashoggi.

Rogue.

killers, Andy.

Perhaps the same rogue killers OJ Simpson had mentioned many years ago, which OJ has unsuccessfully caught, as he claimed he would between his time on golf courses and in prison.

And again, these rogue killers who we did not stop in 1994 have killed a Saudi Arabian journalist.

No one saw that coming.

I mean, you can tell the heat is on Saudi politically because there have been strong rumors that Prince Mohammed bin Salman is looking to buy Manchester United football club.

And there is no surer way in the 21st century of knowing that someone has got something serious to hide and or some serious enemies to hide it from than that they are trying to buy a prominent British football club.

That is a classic reflex reaction for a quality modern oligarch or despot.

Get yourself out there, win the PR battle, show the West that you cannot be all bad because you've just spent 64 million quid on a Paraguayan holding midfielder.

That is the your best way out of trouble.

And it's great news as well for Liverpool and Manchester City, the big rivals of Manchester United, because they really should be able to absolutely corner the lucrative markets for replica shirt sales in Yemen and Iran.

Hey, Andy, do you think that if they do buy Manchester United, that they're going to keep the roster intact or divide it into pieces and scattered players everywhere?

I feel, I mean, look, all tasteless jokes aside, you know, I do feel bad for my Muslim friends who have to deal with this because, of course, there are these terrible stereotypes about Muslims and

being barbarians.

And this is obviously a very gruesome attack.

And it's ridiculous because it's like this was the Saudi government.

This was the Saudi government.

So it doesn't matter what culture you're from or who you are.

This is the Saudi government, yet everybody gets a piece of it.

Like, no one thinks French food is bad because British food is bad.

Those are completely different white cuisines.

So how come?

Because the Saudi government does this shit, all Muslims have to deal with it.

So, you know, my hearts are with you, friends.

America News.

Elizabeth Warren kind of almost proves she's Native American.

No one happy.

It's a very good summary.

Could you flesh that out of it, maybe?

That sounded a little bit like a 1930s telegram.

Well, essentially, what happened was Elizabeth Warren, for months and months, has been goaded on by Donald Trump, who's claiming that she's not actually Native American, as she once marked, I think,

on something in grad school.

I guess looking for an affinity group or other people who have heritage.

And she claims she did have some heritage from an ancestor way back when.

And Trump immediately starts making fun of her, calling her Pocahontas and mocking the fact if she has any heritage whatsoever.

So, in order to prove that she's not completely white, Elizabeth Warren chose to do the whitest thing possible,

which is take a DNA test to prove she is not completely white.

Like, from my understanding, in America, the only thing white people hate more than being called racist is being called white.

And so, Elizabeth Warren...

fell right into Trump's trolling and as if she learned nothing from the Obama birth certificate stuff.

Like he does not get long-form birth certificate still was not pleased.

It has nothing to do with the truth.

I mean Trump even claimed he would give $1,000 to Elizabeth Warren if she proved she was Native American and she's he's not going to give her the money.

That's obvious.

Or do you think or do you think he will, Andy?

Because if there's one thing Trump is known for, it's fulfilling promises to women.

It's very much his calling card, isn't it?

And I mean, people have said that he's being sexist and racist with these rather disparaging comments, calling Elizabeth Warren Pockahontest, calling Stormy Daniels horseface as well.

But to be fair to Trump, he's merely standing up for ordinary American voters who want to make sexist and racist comments to women, but can't because all the jobs have gone overseas because of the Muslimic refugees who are forcing big business owners to employ cheap Chinese machines to manufacture American stuff.

He's standing up for his core vote.

When it comes to the DNA tests, Hari, Hari, I mean, I thought I should, you know, as a white person,

find out exactly who I am.

I've had a DNA test done this morning, and it turns out that I'm 60% chicken.

And

I may have a distant ancestor who had an affair with a shark and or a banana.

But it's all about the way you interpret the data.

Andy, I'm so happy you told me that.

And as one of your friends, I want you to know that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that we've all all known you were chicken for quite some time and we were waiting for you to tell us.

So after the DNA test came in, what it proved was Elizabeth Warren is between 164th

to

11,024th Native American.

So she's either Native American or a margin of Erican.

I'm almost as Native American as Elizabeth Warren.

I I am not Native American.

Not yet.

Never say never.

It's also really messed up that she's doing something that is just a classic, right?

Like race by blood quantum, the idea that race can be defined by DNA.

She did not even go to the Cherokee Nation to talk to them, to talk to them about the idea of identity.

She just put this out there because Trump said it.

And it ended up leading to a whole bunch of other terrible things.

And Lindsey Graham was on, I believe, Fox and Friends or one Fox News show and said that he would take a test to prove he is more Native American than Elizabeth Warren.

And if he is, he claimed she would have to buy him a casino.

Damn.

Now, the gall of Lindsey Graham, the gall of an effeminate single man named Lindsey

to make fun of anyone else.

Do you realize how many tongues must be bit to not make fun of this man man on a daily basis?

And yet he had the gall to make a joke about Native Americans.

Well, such is politics in these confusing times.

Trump's horse face tweet to Stormy Daniels, I believe, is the first time an American president has called a woman horse face whilst in office.

Although I've not read through all the transcripts of Grover Cleveland's conversations with ladies.

So after what's happened with, well, not just with Warren, with Stormy Daniels,

with Christine Blaseyford, it is quite hard, Harry, to know what more Donald Trump can do to confirm his misogynist credentials, short of having a salt statue made of 19th century women's suffrage star Susan B.

Anthony, downing 15 pints of water, waiting for gravity and human anatomy to take their course, and then urinating on the salt suffragette until it completely dissolves into a symbolic puddle of man-was.

I know he's very unpopular with a lot of women in America, but not all women in America.

This baffles me.

As a man, it confuses me.

Self-hate is a very powerful thing, Andy.

Yeah, I also don't understand.

It's almost like people in this country don't read and only get news from a singular source that agrees with everything they believe already.

Ah, right.

Yes.

The old, well, I guess, you know, it's a Christian country.

That's the way it's always been done.

But, I mean, how do you feel,

as a person from an Asian family background, that Trump's current focus on misogyny is really taking away from his racism skills and stealing some of the spotlight off Asian men such as yourself?

You know, luckily, I feel like it's not a complete loss because Asian women are still getting,

you know, shit on as a result,

since they are both people of color and women.

So as long as some of us are getting it, I don't feel completely out of it.

Okay,

that's reassuring to know.

He called Stormy Daniels a horse face.

I mean, you know what this means.

He's into horses.

This is a Catherine the Great scenario.

How come no one is running with this?

This is the news news of the week.

The man's into horses.

I mean, even that, I mean, if anything, that's doing just shore up his core support, isn't it?

Clearly, there is a crucial part of the American electorate who want a president who will f a horse.

And

how electorally crucial that is, we'll let history be the judge.

That's key.

What you just said is very key.

A president who will f a horse, but not be fed by a horse.

Do you understand?

This is a homophobic country.

There's something, even though though it's not the same gender because it's a horse.

Well, I guess that it could be the same gender.

If it's a

if

what I'm saying is, if he's doing the finger, he has to be having sex with that horse.

If he gets caught having a horse having, if a horse is having sex with Donald Trump, his presidential career is over.

I'm going to put that out there.

That's what it's going to take.

Right.

So if there are any horses listening for America, for freedom, for human rights, for the love of God,

please seduce Donald Trump.

Royal weddings news now, and well, Hari, luckily, whatever happens with Brexit and indeed everything else in this country, we will always have the royal family, and there's been some bonanza bits of royal news this week.

There was a royal wedding.

Princess Eugenie, who I'll admit I thought was a Disney character until last weekend, turns out to be ninth in line to the British throne.

And she got married to someone, I've absolutely no idea.

And it was on the news because

f ⁇ ked if I know.

Quite why there was so much media coverage of an event with slightly less national significance in the first round of qualifying for the World Snooker Championships has mystified many people.

Until you remember, A, something happened.

And B, it had nothing to do with Brexit.

C,

it's got something tangentially tangentially to do with royalty.

And D, it is unlikely to provoke Donald Trump to ram his vinegar-coated penis of division into the bleeding eye socket of political dignity.

And you think, f it, let's put that on the news.

That will do for a lead story that can take our minds off from all the other shit it'll fing do.

Let's just pretend she might even be queen one day, send 45 camera crews and tranquilize that beggar outside Windsor station so he doesn't shout shit about Oliver Cromwell when the Queen's riding past on a BMX.

This will do.

This will do for news.

Tranquilize the beggar.

Well, basically, that's what we do now.

We just clean the beggars off the streets when there's a major event in Windsor.

So, Eugenie Hari, she's not in the top eight in line to the throne.

I'm sorry, but to get a royal wedding on the news, I think you should be at least a quarter-finalist in who's going to waggle that scepter next competition.

In context, she is royal enough to have those unsightly beggars hoovered off the streets of Windsor, but not royal enough to order the execution of a prominent writer from across the Atlantic.

Because let's look at the evidence.

William and Kate married 29th of April 2011.

30th of April, the great Argentinian novelist and essayist Ernesto Sabato died.

Harry and Megan married 19th of May 2018.

22nd of May, Philip Roth, iconic American literary figure, passed away in suspiciously unsuspicious circumstances.

Eugenie got married to whoever she got married to the other day.

And all I'm saying is, Canada's Margaret Atwood still alive and kicking.

Join the fing dots, people.

In other royal news, Prince Harry, losing quarter-finalist, no beef, and Meghan Markle, the woman who could have been the one to tame Henry VIII if history had turned out differently, have announced that they are going to shunt Eugenie and the rest of us further down the rankings of Nexa 9 to the throne by having a baby next April.

Harry, this is so incredibly exciting.

Another royal baby.

It is really the only part of the British manufacturing sector still working.

The testicles of of our royal princes.

And beautiful timing.

Baby in April.

Something to distract us between Brexit on the 29th of March and the Cricket World Cup on the 30th of May.

That is true patriotism from Prince Harry.

True patriotism.

And thank you, Meghan Markle, for stepping up and proving you are truly British now by having your baby directly after Brexit.

I reckon they probably wanted to wait, actually, have a couple of years of happy, unencumbered wedlock, but clearly the Queen and the Prime Minister got onto them and said, for f ⁇ ing sake, this is the only thing that can stop a civil war have a baby what has to happen for that baby to be a king or queen is it like a king ralph scenario

i mean short of some kind of nuclear war or i mean i guess with brexit it's talk of you know the the united kingdom crumbling apart scottish independence possibly you know then it might be northern irish independence welsh independence we could we could easily split into

what seven different countries and then you'd you'd need your seventh ranked royal to be king stroke queen of one of them so stranger things have happened strange let's not leeches city won the premier league so this this baby could easily be king of the world one day back in bugle 216 uh when the happy news was uh royally undervalued that prince william and lady prince kate were expecting the baby who eventually transpired to be micro prince george the bugle reported on exactly the science well the science and the ceremony behind how a future king or king

is conceived.

But of course, very different for Harry, deputy chief assistant prince of Royal Britannia, and Megan Markle, the Grand Duchess Excelsior of all the Americas.

So, Hammond, how exactly is a baby conceived in that second rank of royalty?

Well, as the second-born son of the primogeniturated progenium of the current reigning moniquette, Harry procreates via a very different technique to his uber sibling, future King William V.

Harry's spermule

it's an old chivalric Norman term, are produced by the prince marching up and down the Royal Vegetable Garden and Ferretarium at Sandringham, keeping strict time with the Gonadier Guardsmen to the tune of the national anthem, the regular rhythm prompting a fecund promalduction from his princiular pendagium that contains a reproductively critical ratio of seminal gametas and gagritas.

Once the precious scrotiac exfulgence has been scludged and enveloped into the golden trinquette by the ejaculector of honour, it is taken to the royal infantrarium at Windsor.

Meghan, having had her commoners uteraria and associated fallopials upgraded to royal status after an intensive two-week immersion course in which she wore the crown of the famously multi-offsprang Queen Victoria and the northy underwear of Eleanor of Aquitaine, the 12th century queen who sprogged out to King Henry II no fewer than eight sons, three of which were daughters.

Meghan then performs the initial infertilization.

She coagulates a silver-plated ovum coated with a melted-down rupee sent to Queen Victoria by the Maharaja of Visyanagram in 1882 after he heard the tooth fairy had failed to recompense Victoria for a lost molar after she bit into an ovalistic painted granite aubergine.

She coagulates the ovum with Harry's much vaunted in seminaries and the resulting royally chromosome zygotic Micro-Majesty is amnioticised in a sous vide machine borrowed from the quadruple Mislandstad Royal Kitchen at Buckingham Palace.

It will now be gestated in trimestral rotation by the Duchesses of Nantwich, Skegness and Cumbernault before the ceremonial birthing scheduled currently for Wembley Stadium on April the 18th of next year to be hosted by Jimmy Carr with music by Maroon 5 and the Berlin Philharmonic.

So very exciting times for Royal Watchers here in Britain.

Hey, I stepped out for a second.

Can you go over that again?

Fast car news and, well, hurry, it's been a distressing time for speed freaks.

The Bloodhound project has gone into administration.

This is an aim to develop a car that could go over a thousand miles an hour and does raise serious doubts now over whether humans will ever achieve that long-held dream of going at

930 miles an hour faster than the national speed limit of the United Kingdom.

I mean, where now for humanity and transport?

Well, apparently, they're 25 million pounds short, so they're hoping an investor puts the 25 million pounds in to see a car go so fast that you can't see it.

Is that right?

I think

that's basically it.

What happened to a good old-fashioned dick measuring contest?

Can't we just

take them out and take a tape measure out and get to it?

This is just so expensive when it can be settled that simply.

Honestly, this is the worst thing to happen to Supersonics since they moved to Oklahoma City and became the Thunder.

I mean, that is.

Ah, basketball?

That is a niche joke.

I mean, I'm all in favor of niche jokes on the bugle, but not basketball ones, Harry.

That's even outside my sphere of sporting reference.

Sphere, I like it, yeah.

I mean, looking at this, a thousand mile an hour car.

Sure, any remarkable feat of pointless engineering eventually trickles down into civilian life.

But in some ways, it's practical.

I've lost count of the number of times that I've been stranded on some salt flats being pursued by a swarm of steroided-up killer bees flying at 980 miles an hour, thinking, if only I could nip in the car and out drive these bastards.

But beyond that, it's the disappointment of the unfulfilled goal that I'm struggling with.

I was driving my car yesterday, Harry, when when I heard this news about the Bloodhound project going into administration.

And I just pulled over to the side of the road and walked the remaining 38 miles home, thinking, what's the f ⁇ ing point?

And if I can no longer aspire to driving from London to Edinburgh in 23 minutes, 28 seconds, what's the fing point in driving at all?

I think that brings us to the end of this week's Bugle.

I feel we've covered quite a lot of different stories this week.

I hope you've enjoyed it, Bugle.

Harry, it's been a delight to have you on.

You are coming to London in December to the Soho Theatre.

Do feel free to alert our listeners now to exactly when you'll be here and any other dates you've got coming up.

Well, I'll be in London December 3rd through the 15th at Soho Theatre, so I would love to see Bougley fans there.

November 28th and 29th, I'm in Berlin.

November 30th, I'm in Oslo.

December 1st, Stockholm.

December 16th, after the London run, we'll be in Copenhagen.

17th in Amsterdam, 18th in Antwerp, Belgium.

And in the U.S., I'm finishing my touring schedule.

Tuesday, October 23rd, the day after Hurricane Bolu Day, I'll be in Columbus.

I'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Funnybone

or Indigenous People, Ohio, as I call it.

October 24th, Providence, Rhode Island at the Comedy Connection.

October 26th at the Wilbur in Boston.

The 27th, New Brunswick, New Jersey, the Stress Factory.

And October 28th, Hamden, Connecticut, which is near New Haven, not too far from Hartford, Connecticut, at the Space Ballroom.

So I'm hoping some bugle fans come out.

You're some of my favorite people in the audience.

And you don't need to lie to me and tell me I'm your second favorite bugle host.

You don't need to lie to me.

I know I'm not.

It's okay.

But come to the show anyway.

If you are listening to this before Saturday evening, Toronto time this week uh i'm doing a gig on saturday evening toronto time in toronto at the royal uh cinema uh do come along to that i won't be on film i will be actually live in my one night only tour of the rest of the world um i'll be back in the rest of the world at some point next year Don't forget to come to the Bugle Live on the 14th of November in London at the Leicester Square Theatre with Nish Kumar and Felicity Ward and my show at the Soho Theatre.

My review of the year Andy Zoltzmann's 2018 The Certifiable History runs from the 18th of December to the 5th of January with a few days off for things like Christmas and New Year.

Do come along to every single one of all of those shows.

Hari, it's been an absolute delight to have you on again.

And, well, you'll be back, you'll be here physically in the studio in London with me in just a few weeks' time in December.

I am very excited, Andy.

That will be a fun time.

Maybe we'll declare that Hari Kondabolu Day as well.

Until then, buglers, happy Hari Kondabolu Days, and I'll be back next week.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.