Wedgie diplomacy: Bugle 4083

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Welcome to the Bugle Live in Dublin.

Please welcome Andy Zarthbrad!

Thank you.

Welcome.

Welcome to The Bugle Live.

It's very exciting to be here in Dublin.

This is the second and final night of the Bugle European Tour.

We were in Salford last night.

Dublin tonight.

Doubling up, quite literally.

You're coming to live from the Sugar Club here in Dublin and also doubling up as issue 4083 of the Bugle.

As I said, we were in Salford last night and we are in Dublin tonight.

And Chris, your journey from Salford to Dublin today.

I've had a complicated day, Andy.

Yes, because I mean, generally, it would take, I mean, in layman's terms, not very f ⁇ ing long.

But

we had a slight procedural glitch where you attempted to pass yourself off at passport control as a four-year-old girl.

Well, I mean, you know, I mean, here's my daughter, passport photo, looks just like me.

Sadly, the attendant at the Reinair check-in didn't agree with that statement.

And I don't live near Salford.

And four trains later and an emergency meeting with my wife where we swapped passports several hundred miles away from where I was supposed to be and then got another train and then another flight and then another taxi, I'm here.

There we are, wasn't it?

You are, what you are applauding there is a man's painful recovery from his own incompetence.

So you took your daughter's passport.

Yeah, I'm a f ⁇ ing idiot.

I know.

I mean, like, look, so this was, our journey today, yeah?

Was like, it was really simple.

Like, so what we were supposed to do was start there, get there, there.

It was supposed to be so, so easy, and instead, I've gone up and down, I've gone sort of from here to there, then over there a bit, a couple of times, then back over here, and I've gone past weird places to style, I've gone through Stratford, I've gone through a weird swamp dick airport,

and now I'm here.

There we go.

He's made it.

He has made it.

Hero, absolutely.

I'm really sorry.

I'm a hero.

So, welcome to issue 40083.

No doubt we will touch more on this later during the course of the show.

So, if I am Andy Zoltzman, as you may well know, and if I were you, I would be sitting where you are, watching Andy Zoltzmann live on stage, speculating on what he would be doing if he were you.

Small world, isn't it?

Small world.

This is the first live bugle show ever to take place in A, Dublin, B, Ireland, C, a country that is still going to be in the European Union come

April next year.

I know it is technically we're leaving on the 29th of March next year, if everything goes according to plan.

Admittedly, that is currently the biggest if

since Rudyard Kipling

started projecting the titles of his poems up onto the night skies above Gotham City.

29th of March, great day for us to leave the European Union.

That's the anniversary of the Battle of Towton in 1461 in the English Wars of the Roses, which is the single bloodiest day of fighting in the entire history of the British Isles.

28,000 people were killed at the Battle of Towton in a single day of hand-to-hand combat.

And you just have to admire the logistics of that.

And above all, the work rates of youngsters back in the 15th century to get out there, get their hands dirty and get the job done.

I don't think our pampered millennials would fight like that.

They take one look at the battlefield and say, nah, that's not for me.

And they'd sit at home on their PlayStations tweeting shit.

I mean, we'd have to hire in a load of Poles and Bulgarians to kill each other just to get the f ⁇ ing job done.

So

we are recording this on the 8th of October 2018.

Congratulations, you have just cheered the anniversary of the assassination of Korean Empress Myeongseong by Japanese infiltrators in 1895.

What is it you people wanting to destabilize Asian politics?

You've cheered the beginning of the First Balkan War in 1912.

You've cheered Germany annexing Western Poland in 1939.

Take a side, Ireland.

Take a side.

Too soon?

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight.

They're going where, Dublin?

Correct.

This weekend have been a lifestyle section, including helping you with the biggest problem facing young couples today: dog or baby.

So,

who here is contemplating starting a family?

No one, no one.

That's right.

We've clearly priced them out.

Who here is contemplating getting a dog?

That's why our species is doomed.

So we're going to help you decide if you're contemplating whether to have a dog, whether to get a dog or have a baby.

We will help you decide, we're going to do dogs versus babies in four categories to find out which is the greater species.

Category one, impact on history.

Babies, very negative impact on history.

Babies have produced, amongst others, Benito Mussolini, Kim Jong-il, Seth Blatter, and celebrity female Hungarian 16th or 17th century serial killer Elizabeth Bathery, all were once babies.

None of them was ever a puppy.

Dogs, by contrast, have never started a single war, though it is rumoured that Genghis Khan trod in a dog shit when he was 14 and never really calmed down.

But I can't really be blamed on the dog.

And of course, the course of Western history and politics was heavily impacted in a positive way by Dog Tanyon and the Musker Hounds, the 17th century cartoon dog pugilists

whose founding ethos, one for all, an awe for one.

Led, of course, to the foundation of the British welfare state under Clement Atley.

Babies nil, dogs one, category two, ability to respond to basic instructions.

I've had two babies.

They are fing useless at it.

Two nil to dogs, ability to guard house.

Dogs,

by no means perfect, but babies next to f ⁇ ing useless.

I mean, no burger is put off by a sweet face and a bit of dribble.

Three nil to dogs, long-term cost.

Well, who here has children?

Yes, and who here is worried about the cost of putting their children through university?

Yep, there you go.

Who here has a dog?

And who is worried about the cost of putting their dog through university?

Point proved, it's four Delta dogs.

If there is a message from this bugle, it is: get a dog, not a baby.

On the bugle this week, firstly, representing the entire southern hemisphere, all women and people who hate thin-legged pink birds, it's the wonderful Alice Fraser!

When she walks, she moves off by

like a plummy.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello, Buglers!

Hello, Andy!

How are you all feeling in yourselves morally?

It's been an exciting day.

Chris was stopped at Manchester Airport, Andy mentioned that.

He stopped for identity fraud after trying to pass himself off as a female infant.

You know, most airports are on the lookout for people trying to smuggle children out of the country.

I don't think they have management systems in place for adults who are trying to smuggle themselves out of the country disguised as babies.

It's a bad disguise, Chris.

You didn't even shave.

I mean, I don't recommend it.

No.

No matter how much you scream and shit yourself, you will never again look like a baby.

And he did do that quite a lot, didn't he?

So, Alice, your first time in Dublin?

It is my first time in Dublin.

I'm very excited to be here.

My mum was a massive Irish fan.

She did her master's thesis on kind of folk music.

And so, basically, what I'm saying is, I'm related to someone who respects your culture.

And I'm Jewish, so I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm neutral.

Also, joining us today, all the way from Dublin, about 10 minutes' walk away, it's the wonderful David O'Dochery!

Thank you.

It sounds like it's going pretty well, Andy.

I don't think it's going well enough to get the European residency you crave, though.

Sure, Poulter and Fleetwood did well enough in the Ryder Cup last week.

They can come in.

J.K.

Rowling, at a push.

Ewan Banksy, still not sure.

I saw his picture shredding itself last week.

I'm like, what does that remind me of?

Oh, one of Andy Zoltsman's gigs.

Surely.

Really?

Do you mean the ticket holders before one of my gigs?

I mean, he got 1.2 million for doing it.

That's all I'm going to do.

So, right, I think we're ready for Top Story this week.

Top story this week, we're all fing doomed.

A new UN report on the environment, not a fing another one, has told us that urgent and unprecedented changes are needed to keep our famous planet, one of the most famous planets in the entire history of the solar system, no less, to just 1.5 degrees of extra bonus hotness.

Or, in layman's terms, we're fed.

Alice, you are the Bugles environmental correspondent.

Yes, indeed.

Apparently, the world's governments are nowhere near on track to meet their commitment to avoid global warming of more than 1.5 degrees above the pre-industrial period.

A massive, immense transformation in the way the world's population generates energy, energy, uses transportation and grows food will be required to limit the global temperature, which would mean some fundamental changes in how we live our lives and some concerted long-term.

Sorry, I've got something on Instagram.

I mean, this is the problem, Andy.

It's very difficult to see this as a real threat.

We're all worried about dying of, for example, too many bees, but we rarely think about the more pervasive and universal threat of dying from not enough bees.

Global warming up to two degrees would destroy 99% of coral in the world, while a 1.5 degree rise, which is is the current lowest target, would leave up to a whole 100% of 10% of coral alive.

You know what that says to me, Andy?

We are so incredibly past the clock.

There's no way this story turns out with as much coral as there should be.

And you might say, Andy, who needs coral?

And to that, I would like to tell you a story about the Dunning-Kruger effect.

Do you know the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I don't, which basically makes me an expert.

Also, half a billion people depend directly or indirectly on coral reefs for their livelihoods, but to be frank at this point, I don't think think we need to worry about the humans.

Nemo?

I'm worried about Nemo.

Apparently, the Cohen brothers are directing the new Nemo film.

It's going to be pretty bleak.

So, yeah, the scientists, using data from over 6,000 research papers, have warned that there's devastating consequences.

And they would say that, the scientists, wouldn't they?

Because, I mean, it's easy being a scientist, isn't it?

When you only have to deal with facts.

You don't have to win elections or sweeten up your shareholders or justify your own high-carbon lifestyle choice to yourself.

12 years to sort it out.

That's age.

The bugle has been going 11 years.

And I can't remember anything from before that time that isn't sport.

But

apart from the birth of my first cricket bat, child, child, child, child.

The president of the Marshall Islands, Hilda Heiney, said every country must increase the ambition of their existing targets.

And a spokesman for the industrial world responded, sorry, the what islands?

Marshall, yeah, good fing tribe.

I'm doing my best for my carbon footprint.

I mean, I see what could happen potentially.

Just if sea levels rise, it could inundate my infinity pool, turning it literally into an infinity pool, also

known as the sea.

I've already, from a pet point of view, I've downsized my diagong to a manatee, and

I'll be getting rid of my ride-on vacuum cleaner at some point in the next year as well.

These are the commitments we're going to have to make.

There's always hidden victims.

Mass poverty, that's another one.

And I don't see a problem with this, because

we keep being criticized in the industrial, you know, the Western world, for not doing enough to prepare the world for the impending environmental apocalypse.

But, you know, we have been preparing other parts of the world for mass poverty for, well, centuries now.

They really should have evolved an immunity to it.

If not, they should fing read more Darwin.

Drought as another potential consequence.

You hear drought, I hear uninterrupted cricket.

I mean, the bowling is going to become very unpredictable, though, isn't it?

If the crease becomes too cracked.

I say that as someone who has watched, oh, one test match ever.

Thank you, Ireland.

Don't you have a cream?

Isn't there a cream for a cracked crease?

Pamelie, show, Alice.

Pamelie, show.

I'm talking about Gooch.

Yes.

Mass poverty, you kept talking about.

We have that in this country.

No one goes to mass anymore.

I think we do need some perspective on this.

Because what is this?

I mean, what, one and a half degrees centigrade?

Is that really that much?

Let's get to this in perspective.

The current average temperature on this planet is 14.6 degrees Celsius.

On Venus, the average temperature is 462 degrees Celsius.

And yet we're the ones being told that we have to fing do something.

Amount of carbon dioxide.

Earth, 0.04%.

But apparently we've got a f ⁇ ing cut down.

Venus, 96.5%

carbon dioxide.

Makes me fing sick.

And do you know know why Venus gets away with it without any criticism?

Because Venus is a lady planet.

And you can't say anything these days, can you?

You don't want to be accused of temperature shaming a lady planet.

You can't even tell Venus she's hot these days and

barely get away with committing historical sex offences anymore, let alone asking a planet out on a date makes me fing sick.

Must not make a cold Uranus joke.

Well, there is a kind of curious inconsistency about humans as a species at the moment because we keep making binding commitments to help our planet die more quickly.

And yet, at the same time, we are piling billions of dollars of research into how to conquer the aging process.

Now, I'm very confused about this.

Alice, you are our eternal life correspondent.

Yes, Andy, and in Living Forever news, I will survive, I will survive, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive, and by know how to love, I mean know how to manipulate nanoparticles to destroy senescent cells.

I am going to live forever if some speculative science turns into real science and rewrites my genes.

The Guardian has published an article discussing cutting-edge research into the causes and possible cures for aging, mainly focused on medicines that promise to clean up senescent or zombie cells that hang out in your body as you age, generally toxifying you and making long-running but slow-moving popular television series in your organs until you die.

If these medicines work, we could all live for a lot longer, and the promise of eternal life is a great promise until you think about the fact that the people who will live forever are the same people as are having stupid arguments on your social media platforms right now.

The other day I saw a man arguing with a stranger that gender-neutral toilets were male oppression because women would come into men's toilets and quote put their lipstick on all over the place.

David, would you like to live forever?

I mean, it's not for me to say, but I think it was Gallagher who said,

maybe I don't really want to know how your garden grows.

Because I just want to fly.

That is one of Oasis' most obtuse lyrics from Live Forever.

How your garden grows is obviously a reference to pubes, which will continue to grow if we do live forever.

The planet will, well, no one will die, so we'll all just be standing around, and then between us just thick bushes of pubes.

I mean, if it is a literal garden, surely learning how to fly would give you a better perspective, kind of a bird's eye view on the garden situation.

But I mean, if we're that hairy, we're like birds' nests effectively flying around above.

I think I'm happy enough at this point.

I mean, age ain't nothing but a number, but it's also a very accurate barometer of how old you are.

It's fine.

These things are relative, you know?

Remember when I was 20, one of my friends once made out with a 25-year-old, and we were like, oh, that is so disgusting.

Were you worried her arm might drop off?

And you learned at her, did she taste of death?

Was that a.

I mean, personally, I think it's useful to look at those animals that do live for a long time, and none of them seem that delighted, to be honest.

You've got those enormous tortoises, you know what I mean, who you would think, like, oh, you met Captain Cook in Darwin, and they're just like, yeah, f ⁇ off.

The Greenland shark is another one.

They live to be between 300 and 500 years old.

How have they worked that out?

I have no idea whatsoever.

Maybe an old newspaper was found inside one.

But it looks absolutely miserable.

Probably freezing.

I hope it warms up.

There's someone who'll be happy for climate change right there, the Greenland shark.

Hopefully, it might die one of these days.

Right, well, I think it's time now that we should talk.

We should talk more about Ireland's first bugle here in Ireland.

So give me a cheer if you are if you are Irish.

And who here is not Irish?

And

mostly female response to that.

They come here for the hot Irish men.

Oh right, okay, that's right.

But we all do.

And

preach.

Because

I'm, as you all know, I'm from England and

we share elements of

our past, clearly.

And I went to a rather traditional English private school, and it is fair to say that the history of Ireland was not the most assiduously taught subject,

as it generally isn't in any English school.

And that it has in common with, for example, any other thing we may be embarrassed about from our history.

And in fact, I have the school textbook of the History of Ireland for English schoolboys.

Here it is.

It's basically

all I was taught about Ireland at school.

It was quite nice, then something went wrong with the potatoes, the end.

So, David, I mean, I left myself, so I went to a very, very, very, very good school in many ways, but it did leave me with certain gaps in my knowledge of the world.

For example, well, clearly, the entire history of Ireland and the other side of the British Empire

left me with gaps about, for example, how to rewire a plug, how to change the tyres on a car, how to talk to a girl,

what to do to a girl once I'd talked to it.

Do they need feeding?

Do they osmose?

So, huge gaps in my knowledge of the world, albeit that I was able to to express those gaps in grammatically perfect Latin.

So I've done that, it's a grammar.

But so David, could you, for my, for an ignorant Englishman, please explain a little bit about the history of Ireland.

Chris, could you put on a YouTube clip called Irish Music Sad?

Ireland was founded by footballer Stephen Ireland in 3000 BC.

Ireland's indigenous people were the leprechauns or lapretians,

as nobody's ever called them but they died out tragically owing to the fact that they were all male

and never existed.

Nothing kills a people off quicker than never having actually existed.

Your next major character in Irish history Andy is St.

Patrick, the patron saint of strangers taking his shit behind the wheelie bin in your front garden and that is how he is commemorated for one day around the world.

St.

Patrick got rid of all the snakes and so thorough was he he got rid of any archaeological evidence that there might ever have been snakes on the island.

Around the first millennium saw the arrival of the Vikings.

And they're so unlike any Scandinavian people I've ever met today, it's like one day they must have woken up and gone, hey, you know, let's not ripen peelage anymore.

Let's invent social democracy.

And Ikea and Lego, and aha.

Then nothing happened in Irish history for 600 years till the arrival of Oliver Cromwell in 1649.

And he

he absolutely wrecked the place.

Although seen as a moderniser in Britain still seen as that today, in Ireland he is seen as a genocidal f head.

Potato potato

who caused a population drop-off that some expert put as high as 83%!

83% of the Irish population.

Thanks Cromwell, you barrel of rancid wangers.

Excuse me if I occasionally visit the British House of Parliament where there is a statue of you to take a shit just in front of it.

Cromwell was eventually defeated by Conor McGregor at the Battle of Crumlin

in 18 proper 12

with his rallying cry, you'll do nothing, you f ⁇ ing prick.

But MacGregor was in turn defeated by Queen Victoria at a bout in Las Vegas where he had motivated her by criticising her family, her nation and her religion.

Queen Victoria loved Ireland and left us with her greatest legacy, the shop Victoria's Secret on Grafton Street.

Short for Victoria's Secret was that she wished she'd done more to prevent the Irish famine, 1845 to 1849.

This is like shooting fish in a barrel in front of these people.

Ireland has always loved a craze, from line dancing to yo-yos, from Tamagotchis to Catholicism.

But they tend to come and go.

They say you only play this town twice in your career, said the Pope in Dublin on his recent visit.

Once on the way up.

it's great to be back.

And the 11 people in the crowd jiggled their rosary beads and shook their little bags.

Although nominally a republic, Ireland is still a mystical place ruled over by Enya.

I've never met Enya, but apparently you can recreate the feeling of meeting her if you put your peen/slash lady peen in a Dyson airblade.

If you feel something crazy in the air, listening to this podcast, that's Irish presidential election mania.

For some reason, a reason nobody can quite remember, Ireland has a Taoiseach or Prime Minister and a President.

The President is a non-political role, the idea of which is that you do the gigs the Prime Minister doesn't have time to do, such as shaking hands at the rugby and apologising for institutional atrocities the Prime Minister has committed.

The runners and riders have assembled for this once every seven years event, and what a group.

There's the incumbent Michael D.

Higgins.

A tiny wizard poet who negotiated the tricky events of the last seven years with a plom.

He hosted the Queen's first ever visit to Ireland without giving her a wedgie and commemorated the centena of the 1916 rising without mentioning that he'd love to give the Queen a wedgie.

Job done.

So he should get to do it for another seven years and everyone wants him to, with the exception of five people.

The five other candidates who are running for his job.

There's no reason to to mention the other candidates because you'll never hear of any of them again.

Suffice to say that most of them, three out of five, have been dragons on Ireland's Dragon's Den and they look like they're only running for president for a prank they lost with one of the lads at the golf club.

The other two are ladies and they hate science.

Michael D.

Higgins will definitely win and he'll have another sweet seven years in front of him where his main job will be to commemorate the centenary of the War of Independence in 2019 without giving the Queen a wedgie, and the centenary of the Civil War in 2022, without saying he wants to give Michael Collins/slash Eamon Develera a wedgie.

See, it's a hundred years, and we're still not over it.

Oh, Ireland.

Who said comedy can't be educational?

No one ever suggested maybe we form some kind of like a little group.

The logic seems inescapable now.

Has anyone been tried?

Oh no we can't because you hate those bloody Europeans putting their towels out of the pool early in the morning.

Trying to straighten your bananas?

They're not your bananas, Andy.

Brush your teeth is not only one of the most important phrases in the entire vocabulary of parenting, but it's also something you should remind yourself to do almost as often as you remind yourself to listen to the bugle.

Both are unquestionably the most important part of your day if you want to stay healthy.

Quip knows that and their team of dentists and designers is focused on helping you take care of your mouth better.

Mouths are one of the most famous facial features in the history of humanity and with good reason.

They have a range of uses far in excess of for example the ear or chin.

Quip will also help you strive towards dentalo-toothical consistency.

Their built-in timer helps you clean for the dentist recommended two minutes with guiding pulses to remind you when to switch sides.

And my favourite bit, Quip also comes with a mount that suctions right onto your mirror.

That is truly space age.

Quip starts at just $25.

And if you go to getquip.com/slash bugle right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a Quip electric toothbrush.

That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com/slash bugle.

Alice, you're our women and versus the patriarchy correspondent.

Hang on, what does that mean?

Make me the patriarchy correspondent.

My daughter said to me a couple of years ago, she said, Daddy, you're too silly to be a patriarch.

In women news now, Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed as the next U.S.

Supreme Court justice by the Senate after a highly...

Oh, is this a panto?

He's behind you doing unethical things.

He doesn't remember.

I thought we'd put this behind us.

He's been confirmed after a highly charged confirmation process in which he was accused of, depending on what side of the opinion fence you sit, youthful laricanism slash attempted rape, delete as appropriate.

The investigation into the accusation by Dr.

Christine Blasey Ford has uncovered many facts about Kavanaugh, less about his behaviour than about what a weird, weepy tantrum boy he is.

He behaved like what we in the legal profession would call an absolute sookie f dumpling.

Anyway, the investigation established that Kavanaugh either did or did not commit the is it still a crime if you do it at a party?

And

he's been confirmed either because people don't believe he did it, but they believe he did it but don't think it's relevant, they believe he did it but don't care, or they believe he did it but have done worse things themselves and are pre-covering their asses in order to avoid establishing an unfortunate precedent regarding accountability for behaviour behaviour that happened in the past.

The past is a different country, Andy, and like everything from a different country, it should stay in that different country and not come here and start taking our jobs.

Interestingly, pre-covering your ass is a right-wing approved method of assault prevention for women going out at night.

Other

women news, Alex, you are our women in science correspondent.

Yes, indeed.

Women in Science News now.

In the wake of Donald Strickland's winning of the Nobel Prize, we turn our minds to Professor Alessandro Strumia, who recently presented an analysis to an audience of predominantly young female physicists in which he claimed that he had proved women were less capable at physics than men.

As a physicist, it is important to note that Professor Stroumia is also an expert in biology, sociology, gender, and how to talk to women.

I mean, Andy, this is the kind of anecdotally based, unscientific, cod sociology, gut feelings, gender-normative stuff that is pervasive.

For example, people keep telling me that men are better than women at maths, but try getting an accurate self-measurement of penis size out of of a man.

You absolutely.

You absolutely cannot.

How big is your penis, sir?

See?

Exactly.

See, my point is proven.

More than 1,600 scientists have so far signed a statement condemning the remarks of Professor Strumier, who has stated that physics was built by men, which, you know, to give him credit is fair if you agree with the statement that most things were built by men, which is a true statement if you start counting when a building is being built from the second floor and ignore the foundations of the building entirely.

I don't know if you know this, Andy, but people seem men seem particularly bad at history, often choosing to forget when talking about men's role in history that for most of history, women were being used as unpaid labor for the intensive grass roosts, dusk till dawn, 24-7 hand-cranked labour of literally keeping everyone born, alive, warm, clothed, clean, disease-free, and fed.

Not to presume to explain history to men who are historically better at history.

In economics terms, not to presume to explain economics to men who are historically better at economics, this meant that most women pre-Industrial Revolution didn't have the leisure time to worry about the masculine arts of flouncing around waiting to fight someone.

And

that is because women were good enough at physics to understand the statistical sex distribution of body mass differentials.

Not to presume to explain domestic violence statistics to men who are historically better at domestic violence.

I don't know.

Look, most science historically done by men.

90% of science that was accepted in the 1600s has been proven to be false.

90% of that science was done by men, and 100% of those male scientists are now dead, which I think proves something.

Though obviously I don't want to know what it proves, because I'm a a woman and not that good at that stuff.

Alice Braither, personally, and...

Well, a huge bout of fighting over the weekends, and no doubt you're very excited about it here.

In Dublin, the Irish Fisticuffian Connor MacGregor took on the Russian ruffian Easter Habib Nurmagomodov, the Dagestanian damage dispenser, overcame the Irish injury inflicter, winning in the fourth round of their fight.

And what a dramatic fight it was, too.

Nerma Gomodov gained an early advantage as he ripped McGregor's left leg asunder from his hip socket and feasted on it like a wolf before

McGregor fought his way back into things by scooping the prefrontal cortex out of the Russian's brain via his undefended eye socket with a picnic spork and smearing it victoriously all over his extravagantly tattooed tits.

But the Russian did not take that lying down and sucked a nine-inch length of McGregor's spinal cord out from between two of his thoracic vertebrae.

The Russian's powerful proboscis once again proving decisive, just as it had in his previous title fight against the Polish-Mexican star, this Wustislav Hernando Kruz Vuszislivski, who,

of course, had two ventricles and a lung whooped out the same way.

McGregor desperately tried to fight back by mincing Nurmogomodov's spleen with his trademark power blitz grapple, but

the Russians sealed his victory by exploiting McGregor's visceral fear of nonsense poetry by reciting stanzas from Lewis Carroll's The Jabberwockie.

Causing McGregor to crank his own throat clean out of his neck with a primal wall of frustration, leaving himself vulnerable to Nurmogomodov finishing off with his signature 720 rotating Trotsky Woodward, slaying MacGregor with a double pirouetting ice pick to the skull before setting fire to him in a giant wicker man.

Terrific performance, terrific bout,

wonderful,

wonderful, wholesome sporting entertainment for all the family.

But sadly spoiled after the end of the bout

when

the victor Nerma Gomunov leapt out of his cage and attacked McGregor's entourage.

No idea why.

No, I love MMA.

I really do.

I love cage fighting.

I don't like watching the fights.

They're barbaric.

What I like watching is the men who do the fights talking about the fights before and after the fights, because these are not men who get paid to talk.

Genuinely, my favourite guy in the history of cage fighting, unfortunately deceased.

His name is Kimbo Slice.

Has anyone heard of him?

Yeah, he's a very big man.

No hair on top of his head, just hair under his chin, like someone who turned his hair upside down.

He quite famously punched a man's ear off in a fight.

And the interviewer went up to Kimbo Slice after the fight and said, so, Kimbo,

Mr.

Slice,

you punched this man's ear off.

I didn't think that was even possible.

And Kimbo Slice replied, anything's possible if you dream.

Well, it's great to be here.

In fact, we're right next door to the Museum of Irish Literature.

Is that correct?

Well, it's not open yet, but it's.

It's not open yet, but it will be.

It will be.

It will be open.

I mean, it clearly needs to be opened because

there were two billboards for it outside, one saying the Museum of Irish Literature and one saying the same thing but very badly spelt.

So I mean it is really very much needed.

But

actually

I have a friend who

studied Irish literature here in Dublin in fact and he was absolutely obsessed with all these great figures of Irish literature and tell me some of them it's interesting backstory some of them some of them really you know didn't earn much while they were writing one of the great figures of Irish literature

one of the great figures of Irish literature who in fact studied at Trinity College here in this city, had to make ends meet by selling knock-off cheap imitation Christmas duvet and pillow sets.

He actually made quite decent money flogging his sham yule bed kit.

Oh lordy.

And introduced the same guy who would make his own breads, but was very absent-minded, always drifting off, thinking about what he was going to write next.

And one time he bought it up completely, he was trying to measure out the ingredients.

But he put the metal baking tray on the scales, but then completely omitted to add the water, flour, and yeast.

Wade Tin forgot dough.

Wow.

Of course, one of the great.

One of the great Irish.

This is worse than Cromwell.

One of the great Irish novelists, he was a bit into SM, actually, interestingly, to inspire himself.

But he liked to decide, he liked to have some control on it, whether he was manacled around the ankles or the wrists, and with linked metal rings and what the metal links were, whether they should be large or small and made out of iron, copper, or steel.

It was a bit indecisive, but eventually he would make his change choice.

You're You're right, that one was a little bit overlong and convoluted.

He went to a went to a sex shop and he was explained what were the things he could make.

So it was a bit expensive.

And the shopper then said, well, you don't have to buy them, you can rent them.

And he said, what?

Yaleeses?

Yalees?

Yalees?

Yalees?

Another very famous Irish writer who lived in the late 19th century had a flash new vehicle pulled by a very powerful beast of burden, castrated bulls to be precise.

Saw no reason ever to stop, even when traffic lights were invented.

Nothing could make me slow down in this thing, he said.

I'm in an oxcar, Wyhalt.

Oscar Wyholt?

And he uh

and he used to ship in little worker insects specifically from a specific colony constructed from soil taken from the capital city of China.

The imported ants of Beijing earth nest.

Often my top didn't work.

Anyway, moving on.

My uh my mate was so obsessed with Irish writers, he spent all his money on their books.

He used to fund his habit

by selling body parts on the black market, particularly digits off people's hands, with a discount for a quick sale.

He was known to say, Do you want a thumb swift?

And he also tried to sell a leg joint to a man who wanted to spare one for his wife.

But the guy was a bit sceptical.

The leg looked clearly too masculine.

That's not a woman's leg joint, he said.

That is quite obviously and brazenly a man's.

That's a shameless heene.

Wow.

Anyway,

this is how you get yourself posthumously executed.

I mean, you can just see them coming from so far away.

It's like a nuclear bomb with a parachute on it, you know.

The best kind.

I used to keep himself mentally sharp having two glasses of water on his breakfast table, one regular water, one very salty water, and he would choose one at random and down it.

One week, all seven days in a row,

he picked the salty one, and the next month he got the salty one again.

Would you believe it, Andy said?

Eight in a row brine.

Etna O.

Etna Reebrian.

I travelled nine hours for this.

Right, eventually he ran out of money.

I had to give away his get rid of his collection of 1970s American thriller movies.

Some of of he was given away, others he was chucking in the bonfire.

I helped him out.

The old man, I said, bonfire.

Carrie, give it to the charity shop.

Jaws, Burnett Shaw.

I hate that one.

What does it feel like to be the best in the world at a sport no one else is playing?

I don't know, Ireland.

Perhaps you could tell me.

I mean I will say this.

I feel like hurling right now.

That is a bit rich coming from an Australian as well.

But Australian rules football, very similar to Australian rules immigration,

in that it is needlessly violent and aggressive, despite there being a colossal amount of space.

Anyway,

it's probably best to end the puns.

I think to go away and think about what's happened.

I'm going to both apologise and end right now.

And then write.

And then write now.

Because I think some of you may have been annoyed by this bit.

You may have been cheesed.

Right.

That is it.

That is the end.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Dublin.

Anyway, it's been a delight coming here.

Please show your appreciation for the Christopher Columbus of his times, Chris,

the producer.

All the way from Manchester via London.

The glorious Alice Fraser!

Dublin's own David O'Docherty!

Thank you very much.

We're coming up in Andy's Osmond.

Good night.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.