Bugle 4060 – What’s that Aunt Doing?

Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Leicester Square Theatre for the one night only London Festival of Extreme Macrame.

If you would now all pick up your string, your chainsaws, and your non-chucks, and remove the leashes from your crocodiles, we can begin making this week's decorative trivia.

Sorry, that's uh that's tomorrow's show.

Um, let's try this one.

Uh, good evening, London.

Welcome to the inaugural live stage edition of Celebrity Stockholm Syndrome.

Over the next three years, we will find out whether former US teen pop sensation Glenn Medeiros will gradually, if counterintuitively, fall in love with his celebrity captor, the Austrian Nobel Prize-winning playwright and novelist Elfrida Jelinek, while she keeps him manacled to an industrial boiler.

Here, live.

So, it's not that one.

That's a shame.

I love that show.

Let's try.

Let's try.

Here it is.

How do I put it in a buggle?

Is Is it buglet?

Chris, can you please introduce the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the bugle.

The bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hollow Buglers!

That's

play f ⁇ ing loud.

Hello Buglers, how are you all?

One at a time please, that was incomprehensible.

Welcome to the Bugle Live here at London's historic Leicester Square Theatre.

I am Andy Zoltzmann and this is issue 4060 of the world's leading, longest running, most spiritually enriching and only audio newspaper for a

You're very well trained.

Thank you all for coming to see the visual version of a show that is fundamentally defined by its status as an audio-only experience.

So to reward you people who have bothered to come to the live venue tonight, you will be able to hear this show in three dimensions if you put on your special one red, one green earphones.

And now listen as the microphone gets closer and closer and closer.

It's like George 3 all over again.

It is the 22nd of

in the year 20.

You guys know your stuff.

That's really impressive.

And if you don't believe that is the actual date, here's proof.

How do you all think Brexit is going?

And I reckon historians could carbon date that noise to approximately one week around now.

So it's the 22nd of February.

Well on this day in 1632, the Italian celebrity physics star Galileo Galilei published his smash hit dialogue concerning the two chief world systems Galileo or double G as he was known

for any boxing fans out there.

Also known on the pro science circuit as the Tuscan telescope, Senior Science and the Big Fizz.

Galilei, spelled with a p-h and a Y at the start, he was

he judged the big final showdown between the old Ptolemaic system, which held that everything revolves around the Earth, and the hip, new but still inexperienced, Copernican system, which said that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

Double G called a fight in favor of Copernicus.

And against Ptolemy.

Yeah, take that, Ptolemy, you're geocentric second century loser, with all due respect.

Modern scientists do now have a belief that both were wrong and the universe actually revolves around sport.

Trust me, I'm a scientist.

Galileo also studied, amongst other things, speed and velocity, gravity and free fall and projectile motion, making it a tragedy that he died in 1642, just 376 short years before the Pyongchang Winter Olympics.

Because it sounds like that would have been right in his wheelhouse.

He would have crumbled his rhubarb over that.

He also studied inertia, so he might even have enjoyed the curling.

Today is also World Thinking Day.

You didn't need to respond to that verbally.

And

so

we are giving away this week on the bugle three

free thoughts, including

and

oh yeah,

As always

I'm 43

What am I doing with my life?

No it's good it's fine keep going thank you that's right yeah

as always

Please don't stop now

if I go down you're coming with me so um

as always the section of the bugle is going straight

I can't hear you in the what now

The what?

Yeah, the bin, correct.

This week we review London Fashion Week,

including the...

Which...

Why are you laughing at that?

Very successful new event.

I don't know if you saw it this week, the head-to-head doubles fashion, in which Team GB's Amelia Wickstead paired up with departing Burberry boss Christopher Bailey to take on the American design duo of Helix Tremet and Clullux Flombard from the big-hitting unwearables label.

All looked good for the home pair as Wickstead distracted the Americans with some sparkly silver thread, enabling Bailey to get his hands on the always-crucial sewing machine.

But Tremette literally played a blinder by encasing Bailey's head in ribbons and claiming it was a hat.

Final score, nil-nil.

And also in the bin, it wasn't just London Fashion Week, it was also London Dietary Fads Week.

And we look at the latest dietary trends here.

Is anyone on a trendy diet here?

No, literally no one.

Just

what's some big new ones coming out this week.

The sledgerian in which you eat meat but only whilst sledging it in the manner of an international cricketer.

Call yourself a f ⁇ ing steak.

I've seen more meat on a moth.

The

hegan diet.

We heard about the hegan diet in which you eat meat but only from male animals.

Taking down the patriarchy one sausage at a time.

The magitarian diet, that's you only eat food as eaten on screen by Madge Bishop in Neighbours.

Can't believe she's gone.

The 5-2 diet.

Has anyone tried that?

It's where you have to eat as if your favourite football team has just been hammered 5-2.

You pick miserably at your food thinking, I know objectively it was an exciting game for the neutral, but I am fed off.

Here's a good starter diet, the glue tin-free diet, in which you don't eat any tins of glue.

That's a good one to get started.

We'll give you a sense of achievement.

F you, Chris.

These people are right all along.

It's too early in the show to react like that.

I just couldn't help it.

It just came out.

Also,

well, following on from the highly successful kosher diet,

the Nosha diet, which is the the same as kosher but ignores all the rules.

And

I found it works pretty well over the years.

And also halal,

in which

you have to make sure an animal is laughing out loud at the moment of slaughter.

So that it dies happy.

Dies happy.

A happy animal is a tasty animal.

Very good news for cow clowns.

They mostly rely on slapstick jokes about what happens when your others get stuck in a milking machine.

So right, those sections are in the

rights now time to meet our two gladiators for this evening's fight to the sorry our two guests for this evening's show.

First, is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

No, it's a human being.

But not just any human being, a specific human being from London.

It's Nish Kumar.

I mean

I mean I'm assuming that given that you're here,

you understand that joke, but

if you don't, that is absolutely inexplicable.

For the benefit of the listeners, the people of the Leicester Square Theatre are being treated to a string of, and I emphasize this heavily, photoshopped images of Naked with Nish.

Is it nude with Nish?

It's nude with Nish, yeah.

I mean, the second one is,

I don't know how they've done it, but it's worryingly accurate.

I'm in better shape than I remembered.

How are you, Andy?

I'm well, thanks, Nish.

F you, Chris.

F you, Nish.

Since I last bugled I have in open defiance of my Hindu upbringing been having several beefs.

It has been Beef City at Kumar Towers.

Holy shit.

I've been doing a television program that has upset quite a lot of people.

It started with Piers Morgan who we photoshopped an image of.

I mean, there's no kind way of putting this, absolutely neck deep in Donald Trump's ass, which

he got upset about.

And then Labour MP Kate Hoey posted a clip of the show on Twitter saying, is this what I pay my licence fee for?

And the answer is yes.

It turns out the BBC's entire budget is being funnelled into an obscure late-night comedy show.

We get 95% of the budget, and the rest of it just goes on the news, Blue Planet and Sherlock's hats.

And then I've sort of resumed my Twitter beef with Piers Morgan because he slagged off John Oliver.

He's been slagging off John Oliver for saying we and us in America.

Now, Andy, I consider the Bugle and Bugle listeners and everyone to be my immediate family.

And as such, we'll be borrowing money from all of you at some point.

But...

Now, we...

are allowed to slag John Oliver off.

He's ours.

We're allowed to call him Johnny Shobiz, make fun of Love Guru, and remind him that I absolutely bossed him on the football fields.

But that's because he's one of us.

You, Morgan.

Burning hell.

Also, I mean, he's been there a while.

It's been 2006, and he got his green card years ago, the world's tersest resignation notebook.

Yeah, exactly.

The man's a fing joke and a trader to his country.

But again, we can say that.

We're allowed.

And also, Jordio today, representing the world's second greatest lateral hemisphere.

Still...

Still.

It's on the podium.

That's all that counts.

Podium finish is a podium finish.

Claire Balding will be getting very excited.

Sticking it to the equator by still trespassing on our bit of the planets.

It's Alice Fraser!

When she walks, she moves so fast.

Hello, Andy!

Hello, Alice.

Hello, Bugless!

Hello, Nish!

Hello, Alice.

F you, Chris!

F you Alice!

I gave him a hug earlier, and he's got stitches, so I feel like I've already taken my pound of flesh.

It's always good when you do a comedy show, and the producer turns up literally in stitches.

Also, again, for the benefit of listeners, Chris is wearing a bugle t-shirt with John crossed out.

But we can do that.

But again, we can do that.

We are allowed peers.

We are allowed.

It's like when white people criticise Bendit like Beckham.

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

Yes, it is a shit film, but it's our film.

So I did find a, what can only be described as a large suitcase full of

old bugle merch

that we are selling at this gig for the discount price of there we go that's Chris modelling the old

projecting around the broken

slick operation guys

really slick operation I think they're five pounds each but you paid 20 pounds for some extra sticky tape to cross out John

That is our t-shirt cannon, the human t-shirt cannon.

Chris, what?

The first rule of t-shirt cannons, you've got to give it the big build-up.

They're not going to give it back.

That resale value of that is literally slightly less than we're selling it for here tonight.

£5.

What has happened to this show in the last six weeks?

What have I missed?

The tone seems to have wildly varied from what it used to be.

Chris is throwing out t-shirts, and you're sort of half-finishing your sentences and letting the audience do the rest of the work.

The opening of of this show was like a Robbie Williams gig.

It's always been my dream this shit.

You are the Jewish Robbie Williams.

Rabbi Williams.

Well done, Andy, you've finally broken Chris into making puns, that is.

Don't fight it.

Don't fight it.

Well, it is now only 400 Earth days precisely until the 29th of March 2019, until we brex free,

until we

pull the trigger on the trapdoor to catapult us into our new national ejector seats, to blast us into the orbit of Brex Freedom.

400 sleeps until we are finally unchained from the dead weights of the European Union that has burdened us so catastrophically for the last 40 years with trade, cooperation, improved ham,

the irritating legal impossibility of even boiling an egg without explicit written permission from Brussels, and reliably shaped fruit.

400 breakfasts until we finally get to enjoy our own Leica the space dog moment of pioneering escape to genuine independence.

Feel that sweet flame woof woof blast off.

Freedom!

400 days, or in layman's terms, 80 back-to-back test matches, which makes it seem

more bearable.

You've got a look in your eye of genuine wistfulness, imagining the prospect of 80 back-to-back test matches.

Think of the stats.

Have a dream.

You're the Martin Luther King of long-form cricket.

That is going on my poster.

It's good because Nish is famous now.

As seen on Piers Morgan's Twitter feed.

Barely a week goes by in Britain now without some idiot saying something idiotic about Brexit.

And I mean,

really, there we go.

And straight out of the traps today, David Davis, God rest his soul,

if it is ever located,

he said he's promised us all that Brexit will not be some kind of Mad Max style dystopia.

Stop betraying the will of the people, Brexit.

That is what we voted for.

David Davis, a man who was once a baby so boring that his parents gave him his own last name as a first name

has disappointed the nation by saying Brexit will not be a Mad Max style dystopia.

What is the point of a dystopia if it's not a Mad Max style one?

All the other dystopias are either boring or terrifying.

I mean, he's right, of course, it's not going to be a Mad Max style dystopia.

It's far more likely that Brexit will be an H.G.

Wells time machine-style dystopia.

You know, H.

G.

Wells' Victorian science fiction novel, where increasing disparities in wealth between the rich and the poor will lead to humanity evolving into two different species, you know, the Eloy and the Morlocks.

Yep, that's the only thing that's important.

Yeah, yeah, so the Eloy are a fet, fruit-eating rich people who just sort of waft about being beautiful and useless, like Gwyneth Poltrow.

And the

Morlocks are ugly underground poor people.

And the hideous Morlocks, a.k.a.

poor people, have basically eat the rich.

Right.

That is our future.

Yeah, it'll have served rich people right if they don't have their act together in time for the future.

Rich people on superfood diets are basically prepping themselves for delicious lunch.

You know, the trend towards superfoods and expensive acai smoothies mean rich people are hogging all the nutrients and leaving the bad food to the poor.

It's an excellent development as we move inexorably towards this dystopian future.

It is good to know who will be the most nutrient-dense.

I'm sorry, this started with Brexit and went off track into a delicious dystopia.

Look, I don't, I'm not saying I want to eat Gwyneth Poultro.

I'm just saying I'm just going to leave the words grass-fed

and let you do the rest.

Yeah, of course it's not going to be a Mad Max style dystopia.

I've seen the Mad Max films.

There's people of colour in them.

I don't think anyone.

What are you oohing about?

I don't think anyone.

Nigel Farage's idea of Brexit is not Tina Turner in the Thunderdome.

Also, it's the specificity of it.

Like, it's not like anyone has specifically said in public.

I mean, we've all thought of it in private, but it's not like anyone was saying, oh, this is going to cause a Mad Max style.

It's worrying that David Davis was that specific.

It's like if you lend someone a cap and they give it back to you and go, I didn't it.

You're just immediately like, well, you definitely f ⁇ this cat.

And now I have to burn this hat.

Hat.

Hat.

I thought you said cat.

And

I know how rigorous you are about doing all the empirical research for your jokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm the Daniel Day Lewis of cat f ⁇ ing jokes.

Nish Kumar would never talk about f ⁇ ing pussy.

No, no, no, I'm sorry, that was too far.

You're right.

Boris Johnson.

Oh yeah, what's that to?

That's going to be the title of series three of the mashroport, isn't it?

Basically, it worked for any topical news show, wouldn't it?

This week on what's that c up to.

Or the extended edition, what are those f ⁇ ers up to?

Later in the week.

Subcategory of nude with niche.

Boris Johnson said,

well, last week now, he insisted that Brexit was not a V-sign from the cliffs of Dover, which, as I pointed out in a radio show last week, is my favourite Vera Lynn song.

But actually, that is what a lot of people did vote for.

It was in some of the UKIP literature, a 300-metre-high V-sign on the cliffs of Dover made out of pure British oak.

The Sinn Fran president has said the government does not have a viable plan.

Again, that was laid out perfectly clearly before the referendum.

They suddenly come out with a viable plan.

That will again be betraying the will of this nation.

Yeah, I mean, it's all going about as badly as we thought it was going to go and just to go back to that V sign

Boris Johnson said that it isn't a V sign from the Cliffs of Dover, but we actually did that.

I know that you have just bullshitted about it, but do you not remember Paddy Power erected a giant statue of Theresa May flicking the V's dressed in a union jack dress?

Like it literally looked like an EDL member's wet dream come to life.

Like it was really.

Probably with a Thatcher face instead of the Theresa May face.

Poor old Teresa.

Well I think if you get a big enough V sign then and and a large bit of elastic, then you could use it as

the catapult

to fire all the illegal asylum grants back

to wherever they came from.

Andy, in this conversation, we have come up with a more specific plan for Brexit than

the entire government catapulting immigrants off the white cliffs of Dover.

At least it's a plan.

Because they've gone for an away day in checkers.

As we record today, they're currently at an away day to sort of hammer out a Brexit policy.

Sort of the thing you probably should have done before you started Brexit.

And it's classic procrastination.

I recognise this from any time I have a deadline for anything.

You go away, you put it off.

If the government are anything like me, within a couple of days, they'll all be collectively masturbating themselves into oblivion.

My working method is my working method.

That would be the perfect metaphor for Brexit.

Just an enormous conservative circle jack.

All these people are saying what Brexit is and is not when we know exactly what Brexit is.

Brexit is Brexit.

Is Brexit is Brexit?

An infinite fractal repetition of itself.

It is the entire country going up its own ass in a perfect ouroboros of pain.

That is...

A what of pain?

Ouroboris.

Are you a doctor?

It's the snake that eats it.

Never mind.

Paul Blomfield, Labour's shadow

Brexit minister, he's said that the time for meaningless sound bites and conflicting statements is over.

Why was that officially scheduled in?

What are you up to tomorrow?

Oh, I'm on meaningless soundbite duty.

It's the away day in Chequers is basically to sort out a rift in the Tory party because basically it turns out there's a group of

an unnamed and unnumbered group of MPs called the European Research Group who are sort of hardline Brexiters and they are led by Jacob Reese Mogg, a man who has the countenance of somebody who colonised my

ancestors, packed Alice's ancestors off to Australia and let's be honest was at best ambivalent about Andy's ancestors.

Let's just say he is on the fence.

On the fence pointing out the ones who are trying to escape.

I wish I could retract that comment.

Now you know how I feel about everything I say.

Alex, what's the vibe like in Australia?

How much of a joke are we internationally?

I mean, if Australia's finding you funny, you know you're in trouble.

But

are we a laughing stock?

Oh, you're not important enough to be a laughing stock.

Sing!

You're at best a sort of a wry chuckling stock.

Not important enough to be a laughing stock.

There you go, Chris.

I believe we've got an episode title.

Like if

you think of the UK and America in relation to Australian politics, the UK is like your ancient great-grandfather who's pretty racist, and America is like your uncle who's really racist.

And Australia is like Australia, which is pretty racist.

A little lesson in genetics for everyone there.

Merchant nature.

I've said it before.

I'll say it again.

Racism is like cricket, invented in England, perfected in Australia.

I think now is the time for meaningless sound bites.

Well, let's break for some quick half-time metaphorical audio oranges now.

And whilst you're chomping on your citrus, allow me to alert you to a veritable watch of forthcoming other Bugle live shows.

The next live show is in Melbourne, Australia.

Two of them, in fact, on Sundays the 15th and 22nd of April as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

We'll be at the Utterbelly on London's South Bank again on the 5th of June and the 10th of July.

I'm also doing a Satirists for Higher World Cup special there on the 5th of July.

And we're back at Leicester Square Theatre on the 13th of September and the 14th of November.

Plus venturing north to the Lowry in Salford Stroke, Manchester on the 7th of October.

Details floating around various bits of the internet.

Here endeth the plugs.

Back now to the live show that's actually happened and this bit.

In Australia News Now, Australian public servants have been told to anonymously report their colleagues if they are wasting time at work or spending too long at lunch.

According to the BBC, to whom I say, keep your bloody nose out of our business, mate,

who's jobbing who in.

The Australian Taxation Office sent out a memo to 20,000 staff in December, urging them to be aware of workmates' behaviours, encouraging them to report things like inaccurate timesheets or those who read the newspaper for too long.

The memo has been criticised by people calling it un-Australian because the one thing Aussies love more than mateship and a hard day's work for a fair day's pay is a not very hard day's work for exactly the same amount of pay.

Also, think of the poor tax men.

They have to bear the shame of being the villain of every libertarian fairy tale, Beatles song and Jimmy Carr documentary.

It's a hard enough job to work in the tax office.

You shouldn't have to actually work in the tax office.

In a statement, the ATO, Australian's main revenue collection agency, said, We are proud to have a workforce which seeks to uphold the highest levels of integrity, which the community would expect.

Following with integrity is everyone's business, and we continually raise awareness of how integrity matters with staff.

Oh, God, you're the tax office already.

How have you managed to make yourself sound even more the most boring workplace ever?

The warning said, you've got to look out for

colleagues who make a habit of taking long lunches, as you say, regularly leave early, spend the first hour at work eating breakfast or reading the paper, or all of the above.

I think this might be an old colleague of mine from my 11 and a half months in the real jobs market.

But I'll tell you who does.

There's two social groups that do all of those things.

One, the queen,

and two, professional cricketers.

The absolute pillars of this nation.

Yeah.

Long lunches and reading newspapers.

I mean, if this policy had been enacted in any of the various jobs I've had, I would have been fired from all of them, as opposed to my actual employment record, which is being fired from most of them.

To give you an idea of how good an employee I was, I once fell asleep on the toilet.

Well, it's interesting you say that, because they've just uh the tax office in Australia just announced a new work while you was scheme.

We're in installing um iPads screwed to the walls above your rhinos that can boost productivity by up to a ten thousandth of a percent over the course of a year.

And telephones and toilet cubicles with the catchy slogan make sure nature isn't the only call you answer

And they're also clamping down here, they're clamping down on small talk

because office small talk does anyone here just do do casual small talk in the office?

No?

Chris, can you get in the microphone?

This is the kind of economic hero this country needs.

Small talk is just a waste of time.

Well yeah, but

you say that, and do you know the cost, the cost of small talk to the economy is £780 trillion a year.

And that's not a fact, but

I will put it on a bus and then it will become a partial fact.

But

so

this is going to be part of our new post-Brexit future.

Small talk's going to be banned to make us more productive as a nation and instead everyone will have a lanyard just has a little badge on it that says, I am fine, my family is also fine.

Yes, I did watch the football.

Man United really aren't clicking at the moment, are they?

Make us the greatest economy in the world.

I thought Man United was the response to hashtag me too.

Let's have some Kazakhstan alphabet news now.

There we go.

So,

that is President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan, an indisputable power shit of a leader.

And

he has just issued a decree under which Kazakhstan is changing its alphabet for the second time in a year.

Whereas we haven't changed ours since about 100 million BC, I think,

if I can remember the UKIP campaign literature correctly.

We're changing it after Brexit, though.

Say goodbye to French toast.

That's gonna be called Yorkshire bread cake.

How does that affect the alphabet, Niche?

Does French toast have a dodgy alphabet?

This kind of remoaning

that is caused you're talking the country down, Andy.

So they got rid of the Cyrillic alphabet last year and they introduced a Latin alphabet.

But it had loads of apostrophes in it, which caused national uproar.

And mobile phone users complained that the new language forced them to repetitively press the apostrophe thing.

I think they might have secretly introduced the same thing in Britain, haven't they?

There's a f of a lot of rogue apostrophes knocking around this country that really shouldn't be there.

I mean, I just used one erroneously in the word apostrophes,

which is a plural.

It really didn't need an apostrophe anywhere in its spelling.

I did it again in its...

I mean, it doesn't matter so much when you're saying it out loud, but the transcript of this is going to really f some people off.

And I spelled the off off there with one F.

Damn it.

I should not have made that kind of mistake.

I know I've spelt of H-A-V-E.

Sorry I'm getting so confused now.

Balls, two apostrophes, one either side of the S.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, no one likes a pedant.

Well actually it's not completely true to say that absolutely no one likes a pedant.

Kazakhstan is treating its alphabet with the scorn, derision and lack of respect that we Australians reserve for our prime Ministers.

The decision was greeted with derision and online petitions calling for the apostrophes to be abandoned.

Not only did the system complicate reading and writing, critics said, but it was also introduced without consultation.

Actually, there was consultation, but the warring factions couldn't agree on anything because none of them could read each other's angry placards.

Or placards.

Or.

Right, let's move on.

I'm bringing in the autocomplete joke.

You just You do the best.

Not enough comedians end their jokes by going, you get it.

Blah, blah, blah.

You get it.

I expect more from my audiences.

That is why they do not buy tickets.

And what else?

Should we do the Q ⁇ A now?

Or should we...

Or should we do...

What should we have?

Audience Q ⁇ A

or gun crime in America?

All right.

Okay.

For your benefit, Chris is going to edit that out.

Bad or bad.

To protect you.

To protect you.

Okay?

I just want you to know that.

That

you did not come off well in that moment.

People in Britain really hate a QA.

And we'll do anything to avoid it.

As shown by the turnout in our elections and referendum.

Even one key with a very short A, we can't really be out with.

So,

the question, I guess, that has been swelling around America is: Will America ever learn?

No.

Well,

I think the answer is yes, it's already learned, but only some of it has learned.

And as the old saying goes, even a well-trained dog likes to roll around in fox shit.

So

I've done it for apples to Aristotle as well.

Yeah.

But

Donald Trump, the

president, has

still doesn't seem right.

It's only been a year.

It feels like a decade.

Just don't say that on an anniversary meal.

I can't wait for our bugle range of Valentine's Day cards.

He said, a gun-free school is a magnet for bad people.

Yeah, if by bad people you mean pupils and teachers.

And he made this suggestion that teachers should be armed.

Yeah.

And described them as,

but when he said this, I never said give teachers guns, like was stated on fake news.

What I said was to look at the possibility of giving guns to teachers.

If I may.

His answer to gun control is the plot of the film Kindergarten Cop.

But only the best teachers, the talented ones.

Is this going to attract the right kind of teacher?

How was your science class with that new teacher?

Oh, Mr.

Floggins.

Well, he knows all about physics, apart from that gravity makes your foot hurt if you drop a brick on it.

He thought the periodic table was a piece of folding camping equipment.

And he thought that the reason that eels spawn rather than hump...

That one was a thinker.

Don't feel bad about it.

It was a thinker.

And told us that the reason that eels spawn rather than hump is because they're so damned ugly.

I learned literally nothing, but he did shoot a pheasant at 500 yards, so we had a nice lunch.

The NRA recently awarded Organization of the Year by Moral Squalor magazine.

Yet again.

God admire their consistency.

They're always not there.

A lot of people said there's this kind of hashtag never again.

The NRA,

they've launched their new hashtag, Not Until Next Time.

A movement pledging to support no more such such incidents and till such time as the next such incident happens.

The NRA spokeshooter Harbinger Biblock said, remember, this could be 100 million years away, so it's fine.

So there we go.

Everything's going to be.

The head of the NRA, Wayne Lapierre, who has a surprisingly French name,

he was speaking at CPAC, which is a conservative political action conference.

And he has really gone off on one because he's described...

He talked about socialism, which he described as a political disease that's on the rise in university campuses.

The only thing that's on the rise in university campuses is students hiding because there's gunfire going on in the quad.

And he then said that he was warning about possible, you know, the Democrats taking over the Senate and enacting gun control.

And he said, if these so-called European socialists take over the House and Senate and God forbid win the White House, our American freedoms could be lost.

Now, what I have issue with there is the phrase so-called European socialists because only you are referring to them as European socialists.

I'm pretty sure the Democrat Party aren't running around being like, we're the European socialists, you know, guys.

It's fing nonsense.

While many people are saying they need to implement stronger regulations about gun laws, other people are saying it isn't the guns' fault.

Guns have feelings too.

You'd think anyone with a heart would be moved to make some sort of logistical change, but you know, a picture says a thousand words, and if the picture is the picture of Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill, that's a lot of persuasive arguments for keeping gun laws the way they are.

It's an interesting argument.

The classic guns don't kill people.

Guns have nothing to do with guns massacres.

People people would still be doing massacres all over the place if we didn't have guns, so on.

I just don't think I agree with it.

You know what I mean?

Like these teen survivors are kind of getting into this.

They're marching on the state capitol with thousands of supporters to press lawmakers to take more action on gun control.

And they're fighting against this perception of themselves as like classic millennials who filmed or tweeted during the attack, you know, classic millennials who are attached to their phones, classic millennials going to school, getting shot at, trying to tell their loved ones what's happening with the technology available to them.

Back in my day, you had self-respect and a stiff upper lip during a senseless massacre.

You'd write a letter and send it out of the school through the sewers by a specially trained postal rat.

Then again, I went to school in Australia, and by the time I was in high school, we'd already instituted sensible gun laws in response to a massacres.

We didn't have a constitution that's achieved the status of a religious text, and if we did, we probably would not have included the bit about our citizens having the absolute freedom to carry around murder cannons capable of spraying bullets indiscriminately into a crowd.

Well,

the kids got criticised by lots of people, including Dinesh D'Souza, who is an Indian Trump supporter, which is another way of saying Uncle Tomas mother.

And he has apologised for the tweets that he did.

And he said, while

it was aimed at media manipulation, my tweet was insensitive to students who lost friends.

So it's pretty difficult to see the target being manipulation because he was tweeting about kids who were in the school crying in response to Florida state legislators' decision to not pass any sort of gun controls.

And he tweeted, adults won, kids nil, and then worst news since their parents told them to get a summer job.

Take that, the media!

Boy, that guy zinged the media really good there.

Dinesh D'Souza, you race traitor.

Look, if guns have nothing to do with it at all, which is one of the the arguments, then gun laws like those in Australia or the UK wouldn't drop crime in America at all.

What they're saying is the problem is Americans.

Like,

their argument is basically: we are so fed up as a country that nothing you can do will stop us murdering each other in large numbers, even if we're left with only paperclips.

I'll paperclip you to death, you motherfuckers.

I think we have Axel, the Bob Slayer.

Are you here?

Hello, Axel.

The member of the British Team GB.

Bob Slayer Squad.

An actual sports person.

Look at him.

Look at him doing exactly what he does in his so-called sport.

Sitting in a chair.

And this gig is doing what he does as well, in that it's going downhill very fast.

The reason that I think the Winter Olympics is not a real sport is because it's either graded in like a hundredths of a second or in out of a hundred completely randomly for no reason.

The split-second increments are indicative of sports like illusion, bobsled.

What's your beef with decimalization?

Well, I mean, when there's like a fraction of a hundredths of a second, it is a sport that is not a sport.

Like, that is a sport where either everyone is equally good or it could be done by a potato sack.

So what do you think of that?

Yeah, are you going to stand for that?

Axel, Alice is shit talking your life.

Quick, run away downhill

by sitting still real hard.

Has there ever been...

Has there ever been an escape scene in a movie, like a bobsleigh chase?

Chris,

I think we need to end.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sorry, I did have some puns lined up.

But,

Ed, which hooked on the story that Aeroflot have relaxed the ban on people taking small stringed instruments onto its planes.

Which is a fact they've basically, and yep, but I think we've got to get our show back on track.

I don't want to lose the crowd.

Some people hate puns, and I don't want this to descend into blind, ugly violins.

Right, that's it.

I ain't no liar.

So, right.

We are already 18 minutes over Did you know Nish is into some kinky stuff in the dressing room He's got this inflatable sex mannequin male one too.

There's not much space in the dressing room But particularly with Nish's mandolin

Lordy

Okay

he brings a whole van to fit it in and he needs two parking spaces so he needs a double bays Double bays.

Okay,

you for the second one.

I will allow the first one because Mandolin,

there was genuine craftsmanship at work there.

He was telling me earlier, he's very British about romantic things, and he was telling me how much

he's been with this girl for now a long time.

He says, Andy, she's the best.

I tell you,

I barely like her.

Oh, God.

Oh.

I am embarrassed by how funny I found that.

Anyway, sorry, yep.

Stop stringing him along.

Yeah, I was actually.

Et2, Fraser!

Always me, Nish.

I was,

problem is I'd stay up all night writing these and I end up drinking

far too much coffee, so my wife has stopped me having any coffee.

She's had the banjo.

But that's it.

That's the end of the gig.

There we go.

That's

that's.

Are we really ending on that?

That's

That concludes

sorry it was a loot that was yeah it was uh it was a load of rhubab.

That is the national instrument of Afghanistan.

That's actually quite good enough, but uh I'm done.

I'll be hard-pressed to come up with any more.

Right, it's it.

Bedtime.

Uh thank you very much for coming.

Please give it up for Axel the Bob Slayer.

Chris, Alice Fraser and Nishkumar.

Thank you for coming Buglers.

Until next time, goodbye.

Thanks for coming out Buglers.

Goodbye.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.