Bonus Bugle – More LSQ and some Davos Classics

Here comes producer Chris.

This is him in

three dimensions.

A genuine three-dimensional entity, Chris.

Most of you probably are used to seeing him in zero dimensions.

This is what he looks like, and he's sitting down at his special producer desk.

And what a producer this young man is.

He just has to look at something to produce it.

He's like King Midas, but with broadcastable audio files instead of gold.

Which is good news for everyone, apart from perhaps the global economy.

Chris, for those of you audio watching the recording of this show at home, he's sitting at his little miniature desk now getting ready to produce something.

Little crack of the knuckles there to show this crowd who's boss.

And well, everyone now just waiting for that moment when

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to Bugle sub-episode 4057 A is for Aardvark.

I am Andy Zoltzmann and unfortunately various circumstances conspired to prevent the recording of a full-on new slab of raw bugle this week, which was a shame because the world has been churning out some ripe old nonsense, as seems to be its habit these days.

So instead, for your delectation, we have more from the Bugle live show in London on the 18th of January, plus a delve into the Bugle archives for some classic World Economic Forum action from Davos 2009.

Classic Davos, that was.

Lovely to know that the rich and powerful of the global economy are still going strong after all these years.

You simply have to admire their stamina and stick ability.

But to start with, we're going back considerably less far in time to last week's live bugle with Alice Fraser, Mark Steele and me.

It's global Armageddon news now and the world was within minutes of nuclear war in

due to an erroneous text message sent in Hawaii.

I'm sure you've all seen this story.

Hawaii, how the female like.

Basically, so they accident, someone accidentally sent this alert message, ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii, seek immediate shelter.

This is not a drill.

Now, it turned out that the last sentence of that was true.

It was not a drill, it was a fk up.

It was a very, very different thing.

Basically, this was, and it took them 18 minutes to send out an email saying, no, that was wrong, and then 38 minutes to send out another text, in which time the entire islands of Hawaii utterly shat themselves.

Understand it was basically the Cold War condensed into 18 minutes.

To be fair, Andy, I know exactly how that feels because I once sent a text message to a date I'd just had a date with about the date I'd just had with him that I thought I was sending to a friend.

Oh, right, okay.

Seek immediate shelter.

This is not a drill.

Stop, drop, and roll.

But

so basically, this doesn't look real to me, this.

I don't know why people fell for this.

Because there is no emoji on it.

And surely, if it was real in 2018, that is going to have a scared face emoji

or maybe even an equanimity in the face of oblivion emoji.

Or emojis?

Is it one emojis?

I don't know.

But

an emergency system worker pushed the wrong button during the handover of a shift, which does raise a question:

I mean, why are there buttons that

what are the other buttons other than missile alert and snooze and adjust chair height,

order pizza, and maybe spark volcano eruption, which we assume Hawaii has up its sleeve just in case?

Well, there's Donald Trump.

It would be terrible now, wouldn't it, that if you're in Hawaii, every time you get any text, even if it just says, enjoy the sunshine, you think, oh, they they pressed the wrong button again, and this really is the nuclear mission.

But the people it affected most

were, of course, professional golfers.

And won't someone please, please, think of the professional golfers?

There was a major golf tournament on Hawaii at the time, and a lot of golfers thought they were about to meet their maker

as the weapon approached, other than the heroic Patton Kiziah,

who let me emphasise, I have not made up.

I know that it sounds like a kind of name that I might have made up.

He's a real golfer, the six-foot-five-inch

Alabama man.

Is that what do you call someone from Alabama?

Alabama man.

Alabamian?

Yeah, Alabamian.

He's

of course he tied 68th at the 2016 Open Championships, of course.

So he's not the kind of guy that routinely worries about the end of the world.

But

after this hoax, well this kind of bogus threat, he said,

I'm glad to be alive, hashtag perspective.

And do you know what happened next?

He won the fing tournament.

He won the tournament.

He hit his golf shots with his golf clubs on the golf course into the golf holes and golfed his way to golf victory.

Now

one can only assume that now Patan Kezai is a massive fan of false nuclear alarms and that he will barely be able to function as a human being or a golfer without that.

Now if, just before the the Masters in April, there is a sudden unexpected alert about an incoming nuke heading towards Augusta, look no further than Patton Keziah.

He will be trying to cheat that tournament.

I mean generally when people get perspective they stop playing golf.

His well there are some other reactions.

John Peterson only ranks 679th in the world.

So his opinion is worth less than 10% of the 54th ranked Patton Keziah.

He tweeted that he was under mattresses in the bathtub with his wife, baby, and in-laws.

Now that is

a fing big bathtub.

That leads me to believe that golfers are paid too much money.

No one should be able to afford a bathtub that can fit their in-laws in it.

And did he think that that was going to save him?

Did he say to the in-laws, you climb on top, you'll take the blast.

You and the mattress.

I'm hoping in 10 minutes the radiation will be cleared.

I can go back and finish the seventh hole.

And also, Charles Howell III, he said, I didn't know what to do.

And well, I mean, that shows the flip side of being a pro-golfer.

You can hit a 270-odd three-iron withdraw and back spin to within 18 inches of the pin whilst factoring in the wind, the speed of the greens, the ambient air temperature, what kind of mood physics it's in,

with infinitesimally calibrated muscle memory homed over decades.

But he cannot perform a basic nuclear safety drill.

What kind of life is that?

Do you think they'll have just carried on if the blast had gone off and they'd have just, and the caddy would have had to calculate the radiation if it was going to affect that you're going to need to send this a bit to the left?

You'd hope so, wouldn't you?

And you hope a test match would carry on in the event of a new

one.

Because they can add the extra half hour on at the end of the play.

I mean, in response to this alert, families panicked, people sought fragile shelter and told their loved ones they loved them, and Twitter went mental, proving in a true double-blind test that even when ballistic missiles are coming to explode you and everything you know, modern man will still be tweeting about it, which I think is good.

Musician Darcy Hanneman tweeted, I'm currently in Hawaii, so 45 minutes ago I thought I was going to die by ballistic missile, and now I'm making pancakes.

Life is wild.

Do you think that in Australia, on Australian conditions, that in a nuclear blast this ball would swing more?

Yeah, because there was a real lack of sideways movement of the ashes, wasn't there?

Yeah, nuclear winter firms up the pitch real good, though, so you get sweet bounces.

You know that in the last minute that that is what some people will be thinking.

And by some people, you mean Andy.

Well, it did make me think, you know, if I was suddenly thought I had 18 minutes or less to live, I mean, what would you do with that?

I mean, I would probably

watch, go on YouTube and watch the highlights of Ian Botham's 118 old traffic

in 1981 and maybe think about my kids for a couple of seconds in between.

Well, because my kids are older, I could get them to go and make me a cup of tea while I watch the last 18 minutes of the Edgebaston method.

Ooh, men bonding over sports.

What would you do

if you were fearing an instantaneous missile death?

How did you spend your last time?

I am all for nuclear Armageddon.

So long as, I mean, in my head, nuclear Armageddon involves a sort of a fashion-forward, mad max meets music video aesthetic, and lots of people being really cool and survivalist, but importantly, having all of their faces and skin on.

I reckon I'll be fine in nuclear Armageddon.

I've got basic carpentry skills and childbearing hips.

I'll be fine.

But it's got to happen soon in the next five years or so, as my dad keeps telling me.

I have neither of those two things.

But, you know, I do console myself that what people will always need in the long nuclear winter that follows such thing they'll people will always need cricket statisticians.

So

it's one of the core jobs to save the world.

20 places in London for the nuclear bunker.

So we've got cooks, they'll probably send a priest down there, won't they?

But who's going to remember Jimmy Anderson's average?

Do you mean his overall career average or his average during his

average playing county battle basically?

Well, it could be a disastrous time for fans of

feeding children sugary drinks.

Theresa May, our Prime Minister, God rest her soul,

if it is ever found.

She's

been asked...

She's considering a UK-wide ban on the sale of high-energy drinks to under 16s.

I mean, already, I mean, Mark, your kids are beyond 16, but you can't give young children beer to calm them down.

And now we're able to give them energy drinks to perk the fers up.

So, how are we supposed to control our children

without resorting to actual parenting, which none of us wants to risk in this day and age?

And also, if you give them enough sugar, I mean, history shows they can clean up to 10 chimneys a morning.

So,

Waitrose has become the first UK supermarket to ban sales of energy drinks to under 16s amid concerns about high level of sugar and caffeine and their impact on children's health and behaviour.

I mean I call them energy drinks and probably so do you but The Guardian calls them so-called energy drinks like Trump dissing a judge.

According to mainly all scientific sources, the consumption of energy drinks is a huge contribution to sugar intake which is linked to the development of obesity and various types of cancer as well as type 2 diabetes and is rotting our children's teeth.

I mean what is the world coming to Andy with this nanny state business?

If children cannot be trusted to resist advertising deliberately targeted at their vulnerable, half-formed minds and control their own sugar intake, who can be trusted?

And it's worse than a nanny state.

We're rewriting history.

Didn't Mary Poppins, the first nanny, to rise from the primordial soup over 3.5 billion years ago, sing that song?

About 20 teaspoons of sugar in a liquefied form helps the gluconaurotate and taurine go down.

It is really odd if you've got.

Sorry, go.

No, no, I just thought it was good coronal lactone.

Sorry.

How old are your kids?

My kids are 11 and 9 now.

So that's odd.

Well, I'm a bit worse now when I'm that age, and you go around the supermarket, and it's just everywhere.

And then you get to the checkout, and there's just piles of chocolates with signs up saying tell if your dad doesn't buy you at least four bars you were adopted and things like that

and

and there'll be a giant life-size chocolate baboon or something that says no just

everywhere just everywhere and then they keep saying the supermarket said one of them I can't remember which one their CEO questioned about this said we are trying to cut down the amount of sugar in our drinks but how can you try and not manage and they go no I can't stop I'm addicted to pouring sugar in drinks

so no wonder everyone's a big fat pig is it

it's all about self-restraint, right?

You've got to learn self-restraint as a child.

I, as a twin, when my twin, like you guys all ate your twins in the womb,

I f held off and now we're nearly 30, so mm-mm.

It's a good investment.

There's always health scares, just the latest, there's always, well, processed meat's always getting it now.

Latest government advice says eating a salami bagel is tantamount to going over the top at the Battle of Passchendaele,

wearing a luminous cod piece.

So that's be careful.

Careful what you eat, people.

It's oddly familiar with that, Andy.

Also, also in the bin, well, we look at the fake news awards that were announced today, and devastating news for the bugle, Chris.

Donald Trump's fake news awards, not even a fing nomination.

What kind of fresh bullshit is that?

Although, I'm not sure if you'd be, would you be pleased to

get a bullshit award from Trump?

I mean, yeah.

I guess it's a bit like being just an ordinary painter decorator, getting given a prize for best ceiling by Michelangelo.

You think, really, I could be raising my game.

And we look at the new Bitcoin after the Bitcoin crash.

Who owns Bitcoin here?

I mean, what the f do you own that for?

I mean,

we're looking at the new in the bin this week in our finance section, the new crypto-pseudo-currency, grr,

which is based on how threatening you sound when you say the syllable grr.

And also tulips.

Will they make a comeback

after the famous speculative bubble in the 17th century Holland?

We ask, do we need tulips back to bring some sanity to the f ⁇ ing economic marketplace?

It's not like there can be any f ⁇ ing more stupid than your stupid f ⁇ ing bit.

What do you do with the bitcoins?

Chris, can you take the mic out?

I want to get some...

Hello.

Influence.

Where's Bitcoin?

Right.

Is it not

just even more bullshit than bullshit itself?

How do Bitcoin work?

And,

well, I mean, do they work?

No, not really.

They don't.

I'm basically holding them to support North Korea.

You're holding them to support North Korea?

Okay, well, that's good.

Because essentially, it's.

Is it not basically a homeopathic finance, essentially?

You've just got to believe in it when it comes true.

Yes, that's right.

I don't trust it.

At least with a tulip, you could smear it in your face and make yourself smell floral.

So,

anyway, thanks to that in-depth view of

this kind of rigorous journalistic investigation.

The bugle is fighting for today.

This very serious serious political discussion phase of

the game.

So, just one quick quick story.

Oh, no, we got.

Okay, question one.

All the new cyber threats, all our computers are going to run a lot slower.

What do you think about that with the meltdown and Spectra?

You did say there might be something about computers tonight.

Oh, yeah, no,

that's been held off till next week because I haven't finished running because I was hacked.

They should run slower.

There's no need.

I can't.

People just sort of

people press the people go, oh, my computer's so slow now.

It's running so slow.

It took me two and a half seconds to get up a list of the entire population of Bangladesh.

I'm

taking it back.

Just be a bit patient.

How slow is it?

About 10 to 15%.

10 or 15.

That's.

To do what, though?

To do normal things.

To do normal things.

Whatever you're normally doing, maybe 10% slow.

10% slow.

Are you listening, Syria?

We've all got problems.

Some of us don't bleat on about it all the time.

When I wanted to go on YouTube to see an old episode of Blue Peter I'd half-remembered, and it took 10% longer than I expected, I thought, well, if I was a bloody Syrian, bloody floating across on a pedal across the Mediterranean, that would put their trifles into perspective.

And mostly it's just people

angry, isn't it?

I just realised this: there's not a single collection of words, I don't think, on Twitter that you could put on there that wouldn't make someone you could put, I'm enjoying a lovely sunset across Dorset, and someone would go, Not so lovely if you suffer from sunset aversion Dorset syndrome.

Have a thought for sad sufferers in future, please.

You can piss all of the people off some of the time, and some of the people off all of the time.

I'll piss all of the people off all of the time.

Well, I have done that at some gigs.

Next question.

I've got quite a few things.

Why are they at the back?

Chris is a natural athlete.

Watch him triathle on his way across.

He's now going to swim across the clouds.

So does that, Chris?

I've got no root.

Okay, people, come on.

It'd be brilliant if Dimbleby had to do this on question time.

Hang on, the man at the back in the blue.

Hang on if I can just come across you, sir.

Come on, please, to get up.

Keep moving, come on,

right?

Please keep your hand up.

It's actually a hark back to Bugle episode 69.

There's the first chance.

Well, that's the new guest.

This is a niche request.

Who, this is the guess, whose roof would you draw a massive penis on, and why?

So,

so this mark goes back to an early episode in probably 2009,

I would think, in which we covered a story about a boy who drew a 50-metre penis on his parents' roof.

They lived in this massive grape pile in the countryside, and they didn't find out about it for months afterwards.

I can't remember what we, I mean, I remember doing something about it being the court from the Eaton roof game.

And there were various scoring things like the shafting and whatever.

But it's brilliant, though, isn't it?

It is funny.

You can't say it's not funny to draw.

Because it's all about context, isn't it?

I mean, obviously, if you went on stage as your show and went,

and that was it, that would be.

But in context, on a roof, or if

Eamon Holmes came on the telly one morning and just drew a massive penis,

that would be funny, wouldn't it?

Absolutely.

Or the queen for a Christmas.

This year, I thought I'd start like this.

All context, everything, isn't it?

Alice, whose roof would you paint an enormous wang on?

I'd get more historical and just start putting them on hills again.

See if I can lure in some sort of cult following.

Yeah.

It's what made this country great.

Yeah, we had the Cernabas giant way before we joined the EU.

And

since we joined the EU, Brussels won't let us paint massive cocks on hills anymore.

Let's get our country back, people.

Right, shame.

Whose would you do, though?

Whose roof?

Whose penis?

Well,

what a game show that would be

today behind the celebrity screen.

It's a spin-off, spin-off of nude with niche.

There we go.

Yes, the.

Yeah, I can do in-joke bonding too, Annie.

It's the pitch markings that the original for the old British sport of the roof game, which originate on the roof of the Eaton College Chapel in the 16th century.

There we go.

That's a fact.

One of the teams was known as the Bell Ends because they played from the end where the bell of the chapel was.

And the other team was known as

one team defends the Naj end, named after the two semicircular shapes which look like an ecclesiastical naj, which is a two-headed scepter used by school chaplains in medieval times.

Hence, that team was known as the nadges.

It's good to know that I've been powering out the satire for nearly a decade on this show.

Is it still played?

The roof game.

Well, one would hope so.

It should be in the Olympics, shouldn't it, instead of Dressage?

But it's now more equal opportunity.

You have to also draw giant vaginas on things.

Or, more importantly, just hide wells in places.

Loop up the edges, see who falls in.

Just one bit of science news.

Researchers in Japan have fitted a train with a speaker that barks like a dog and snorts like a deer in order to prevent collisions on the railway.

Which is an awesome story for me.

This is the greatest piece of technology.

A barking train.

There have been slight teething troubles in which the barking dog train attacked a postman, then urinated on a lamppost and derailed at a level crossing when it tried to hump a tram.

This is great, this is to try and deter, to kind of scare animals away from the track so they don't get because animal versus train generally a pretty one-sided contest.

Much more one-sided than bird versus plane, where you get the odd draw, at least.

Somewhat

somewhat pyrrhic draw.

but no.

And also in Singapore, they've been using robot swans to test the quality of its reservoir's drinking water.

There you go.

Robot swans in

Singapore.

Robot flamingos will be next, Alice.

I can see the fear in your eyes.

I am all for robot swans.

Graceful animal, the swans.

Well, we know how this f ⁇ ing movie ends.

It ends up with giant 100-metre-high robot swans flapping down the streets of New York, pecking police helicopters clean out of the sky before shitting on the Statue of Liberty.

I want no part of this bullshit.

You know, the only person who's allowed to be murdered by a robot swan is the Queen.

Of course, yeah.

What's finally going to bring down the monarchy?

She also owns the former England spin bowler, Graham Swan.

Do you know it?

He has to bowl at her in the nets three hours a week.

That's a fact.

Right, right.

We need to.

She's brilliant at playing spin as a result.

Are you going to get a bonus like him though?

Because the guy got the button.

He's got a £590,000 bonus to manage in.

So that's quite.

People said, oh, they weren't looking ahead, but he was, because he changed the rules, because there was a rule that you wouldn't get the bonus if the company went bankrupt.

And they changed that about six months ago.

So they're more astute.

It's not fair to say that they're not a forward-looking company that

understands finance.

They clearly do.

But just think of the emotional pain he'll think every time he spends some of that £590,000.

I'd hate to be in his position.

And the severe warnings, because Theresa May was saying there's, oh, there's severe warnings, we couldn't just take any notice of that.

There was severe profit.

I don't know how these things work, but severe.

But we couldn't just take notice of that, she said.

So what?

I don't know.

You'd think I was there.

Well, you can't.

She was listening to the shipping forecast, and it said, oh, there's a severe warning, Ross and Cromity.

She's thinking, oh, I'll take a canoe out there then.

We can't just take notice of every severe warning.

Well, it's well, I mean, you can't take notice of severe profit warning because that's showing weakness, and

they can sense it a mile off.

It's like a drop of blood in a shark tank, and then you've got a run in a zigzag.

Oh, right, so let's

climb a tree or hit it in the face with a stick.

I can't remember.

Also, the government's just announced a new scheme for

junior doctors

to take their patients home with them at weekends

so we can get the full full 258 366 NHS that we all need to give us a bit of wiggle room.

Problem is a lot of junior doctors.

Any junior doctors in tonight?

Okay,

three.

I've managed to price the rest of them out.

Welcome.

Are you Jeremy Hunt fans?

No.

No?

You don't have the Jeremy Hunt tattoo?

Because I heard if NHS staff get a visible Jeremy Hunt tattoo, they get an an extra half an hour off a year.

But so they're going to force junior doctors.

But junior doctors often have a lot of debt after years and years of training.

A lot of them early in their career deliver their parents.

It's going to lead some slightly awkward situations.

Mum, is it okay if I bring someone home this weekend?

Oh, have you met someone new, darling?

No.

His name is Reginald.

He is 98.

He has Alzheimer's and a colostomy bag.

Oh, very modern.

As long as you're both happy, dear, but I won't tell your father till I'm sure he's ready.

I wonder if there's sort of

one of the things that they, because they were complaining, weren't they, over the last couple of weeks about the number of people taking up beds and all that, you know, not long ago.

And I wonder if that maybe

they should have little parking meters next to them.

That might work.

So you have to be putting 80p an hour in.

Right.

Otherwise you get turfed out, you get

all the round.

And if you go into a coma, then you wake up two weeks later and you prob obviously haven't put any money in and you'll be clamped

and there'll be a big sticker on you saying, Do not remove

and then other these people just lying there, beds for free.

There's all sorts of things.

Well, you've got it's very hard to monetise the ill.

I mean that's

well th well, Theresa Mace tried, didn't she, with her uh that brilliant thing at the start of the election campaign when she said, What a marvellous, marvellous way to start an election campaign.

If you've got dementia, we'll have your house off you.

That's genius

and I I honestly, I thought thought tomorrow she'll say, and furthermore, to raise more funds for the NHS, we're going to charge dementia sufferers twice in the knowledge they'll have forgotten they've paid the first funds.

There will be another live bugle on the 22nd of February at the Leicester Square Theatre, so do come along to that.

And don't forget also to come to absolutely every single one of my UK and Ireland tour shows coming up Aberdeen on Monday the 29th of January, then Edinburgh, Glasgow and Liverpool Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Corsham on Saturday the 3rd of February.

The following week it's Brighton, Leicester, Loughborough, then my first gigs in Ireland since I think before Roger Federer won his first Grand Slam tennis title.

That's Galway on the 10th, Dublin on the 11th and Belfast on the 12th.

And more shows thereafter.

Full details at andy'saltsman.co.uk.

Also, Attention Australia.

I will be returning to this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival for two weeks from the 10th of April.

And there'll be live bugles as well.

And hopefully more Southern Hemisphere dates elsewhere as well.

More details to follow soon.

It's economics time now everyone.

Calm down, don't get over excited please.

Honestly it's like children with a birthday cake.

Be patient.

Davos 2009 from Bugle62 with me and a pre-smurfs John Oliver.

The World Economic Forum has started in Davos as well, usually a chance for finance leaders to sit around and chat whilst rolling around in piles of gold and cackling.

But not this year, Andy.

A of bankers have decided not to attend, prompting British Chancellor Alastair Darling to pull out of going as well.

And by the way, for American listeners, the British Chancellor really is called Alastair Darling.

I know that hearing it for the first time can be difficult to believe.

You get used to it, but it never stops being ridiculous.

Well, of course, every year, the great and the good of world economics gather in the Swiss resort of Davos to pat themselves on the back and tell everyone how lucky we are that they invented money before going down a bobsled run on a solid gold luge and blowing cigar smoke in chalet girls' faces.

But this year, they've been wiping themselves on the back, trying to clean the bird shit off their jacket, which has been deposited by the chickens which have come home to roost on their shoulders.

It seems, Andy, that no one really wants to face the reality of the meltdown that we are currently facing.

And the word meltdown is never a positive thing to hear, unless in connection with a sandwich.

What kind of sandwich?

I don't know, like a cheese and tuna meltdown.

Right.

Cheese and tuna, that's an unholy combo.

Yeah, no, that's a bad.

Do you like cheese and bacon meltdown?

That'd be nice.

Cheese and tomato meltdown.

What would you melt tuna with?

I wouldn't melt it with anything, John.

I'd have it raw with some wasabi and soy.

Financial experts are starting to sound like a cross between a weather forecaster just before a huge tornado hits.

It's all board your windows shut, stand by your radio and stockpile canned goods, and a crazy man shouting at traffic.

Bankers seem spectacularly unable or unwilling to learn from their mistakes.

It was announced this week that Wall Street gave out 18 billion in bonuses over the last year, the sixth biggest amount ever.

Wow, Andy, they have got some balls.

They have got titanium balls, balls they cannot afford and which we have bought for them.

In fact, John Thane, the ex-head of Merrill Lynch and the man who spent $1.22 million in corporate funds to decorate his office, including a $35,000 commode on legs, and the man who paid out $4 billion of public bailout money in employee bonuses said, if you don't pay your best people, you will destroy your franchise.

What are you talking about, you massive moron?

You spectacular piece of shit.

Your company failed.

And it's this kind of balls that destroyed it.

You asshole.

Yeah, the talk in Davos so far has been of exactly how totally shafted the world is.

And it does seem that the world is as totally shafted as someone who's been forced to watch a 1971 black exploitation film about a private detective back to back for 10 unbroken years.

Thanks very much.

A panel of economists, in fact, economists who predicted this crisis and have therefore never been allowed to set foot in Davos until this year, blamed the rapidly unfolding map to shitsville with which our economic and political leaders have been navigating the world partly on the culture of short-term reward for long-term risk.

And Nassim Taleb, a former derivatives trader and author, described derivatives trading as being, quotes, all about how to make a bonus and screw your client, which makes it, as a profession the exact equivalent of prostitution especially if you leave the s off the word bonus only it's grubbier because your client has not asked to be screwed how you would feel as you sat in your house as it bobbed up and down on top of a lava jet from an exploding volcano yes it might have been a bit foolish of you to buy the house even if it had a really nice view and natural underfloor heating but also to blame are the estate agent who aggressively sold it to you as an unmittable property and a safe investment with great potential the builder who didn't bother to make the house volcano-proof because it would have cut into his profit margin, the planning officer who gave permission for the house to be built because he hated saying no and ruining people's dreams, the self-appointed, unqualified geologists who said, no, it's not a volcano, it's a big molehill, that rumbling you can feel, that's a really big mole.

And most of all to blame is Pele.

Not the greatest footballer of all time and celebrity vasectomy reverser, but Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes, an unquestionable hottie, who not only put the volcano there but made it erupt when she lost her notoriously magmatic temper after she caught Greek volcano god Hephaestus obviously copying a pervert her delectable Ponson beasts.

And as you sit there John atop your fountain of fire waiting for the inevitable incendiary crashdown and wondering if any of Florence Nightingale's boyfriends ever called her pyroclastic flow after a particularly hot and rumbustious encounter, I guess you can console yourself by thinking, well, I guess we're all to blame.

We're all to blame apart from that professional volcanologist with a clipboard who's been locked in a soundproof vault and has spent the last 15 years shouting, for f's sake, stop building and buying houses on on top of volcanoes

that was davos 2009 and don't forget there is still time to submit your entries to our bilderberg group competition to win a place in the inner sanctum of the global elite well that's your lot for this week we'll be back with a full bugle next week featuring al murray plus another bugle debut from the magnificent jen kirkman who is currently over from the usa doing a run at the soho theatre so do go along and see that until next week Buglers, goodbye.

Hi Buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.