Bugle 4056 – What does ‘massacre’ mean?

Halo that was a mess up.

Chris is one hundred percent going to leave that in, by the way.

The Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue four thousand and fifty of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday the 15th of January 2018 with me Andy Zoltzman, the man who is too professional pole vaulting, what Donald Trump used to be to the American presidency in that I'm obviously not cut out for the job but secretly I'd quite like to give it a go just out of curiosity and if I ever do do it people will enjoy my inevitable fall.

This week I'm joined by two hemispheres worth of bugle co-hosts from the northernmost half of a planet in the entire history of the worlds it's nish kumar hello andy hello buglers uh welcome back uh we will uh get to your uh latest showbiz uh story uh shortly and from the south where water goes the other way up taps or something like that all i know is that physics can't be asked to do shit properly once you cross the equator because well what's the point it's tom ballard hello andy hello nish hello buglers uh welcome back tom uh it's been it's been a while since you've been uh you've been on the show how's how's How's Australia?

Australia's doing fine, thank you.

Chugging along, still in the southern hemisphere.

They refused to change that, but we're focused on that.

We're beating you at cricket, I'm told.

Someone informed me of that in your face, you stupid cricket lovers who are English.

It's really unfortunate that the person who informed you that was Andy, off air.

Yeah, I mean, the reason you were booked on this week is you were the Australian in Australia, least likely to mention the ashes.

Yee, Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.

Oi, oi, oi.

you are wanker, cricket.

Listeners should know that when we talked about the ashes before we started recording, Tom said to Andy, how's the ashes?

in what we interpreted as being a sort of mocking tone.

But no, he was genuinely asking.

Generally, what I love.

Did not know the result.

Too soon.

Too soon.

So, Nish, Nish,

last night you participated in the flagship current affairs

chinwag question time.

Yes.

How did that work out?

Well, Addie, for reasons that were unclear to everyone involved, including me, I was on the question time panel yesterday, which is a sort of political talk show here where the audience asks questions of a panel of experts, and in this case, me.

And one of the other people on the panel was a man called Piers Morgan.

I don't know how familiar you are with Piers, Tom.

Painfully familiar.

I don't know whether either of you have sat and looked directly into the face of a man that you are on the record as having described as the result of what happens if someone injected a gammon steak with white privilege

but let me tell you it is awkward especially when you then restate that claim on air

has he so was he ever liked at all was there did he have any likability at all and it like because then he took over larry king's in the show in the u.s right and people i assume in britain also hated him for that in the classic kind of, screw you for making success in any other part of the world.

The situation which we have in Australia, too, of course.

Is there anyone out there who thinks, yes, Piers, you speak for the people and I agree with you?

Yeah, there is.

And his name is Piers Morgan.

Also, speaking of people who've betrayed their country, I finally came face to face with John Oliver, Andy.

Oh, right.

And it happened where we always knew it would happen.

on the football pitch.

Right.

And how did that work out?

Because I couldn't play that week.

Well, I don't know where John is, Andy, but I I knew where he was at the time because I'd popped him in my pocket already for the precision.

Although, apart from one regrettable slip-up where he

gave me some smack talk and I responded by raising my finger to my lips in the classic shushing motion.

But unfortunately, while my back was turned, I ignored the fact that the other team has had a clear run on goal and scored.

Right.

Never mind.

The trash talking is more important.

Trash talking.

At that level of the game.

John Oliver's amazing at trash talking on the football field.

His secret move, I believe, is to awkwardly ask ask you about the sexual assault allegations that have been brought up against you.

Just bring a lot of tension onto the pitch.

It's insane.

You ruined that game with Hoffman.

This is the bugle for the week beginning the 15th of January.

We're recording on Friday the 12th of January, the anniversary.

of the exact same day as anniversary Saufer, the 12th of January in 1866, when the Royal Aeronautical Society was formed in London.

This was 1866, that's 37 years before the Wright brothers did their first powered flight, I think I'm right in saying.

So the Royal Aeronautical Society spent quite a lot of their early decades just throwing food at each other and making notes of the different parabolas of chicken sandwiches, cucumbers, and raspberry trifles, and making paper glarts, which were the same as paper planes, but they didn't know what aeroplanes were yet, so they just called them glarts.

On the 15th of January 1759, the British Museum opened.

Oh, yes.

And over the next 150 years, the British Empire mushroomed in size by hundreds of percent, which just goes to show if there's one thing we hate in this country, it is an empty display cabinet.

It's, I believe, is it, it's, you, it's a former bugle catchphrase to refer to the British Museum as an open crime scene.

Yeah, yeah.

It really is like the future of the, maybe the Law and Order or CSI franchise.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight to the men.

This week, week we have a very special competition for you, Buglers, in association with the Bilderberg Group.

The

secrets conglomerate of high-powered political and economic subter-fugitives who essentially control the world.

We are offering our Bugle listeners the chance to win a place in the Bilderberg Group's influential steering committee.

Brush shoulders with the rich and generally not very famous in the notoriously unaccountable group's inner sanctum as you take your place at the high high table of covert discussions about the planet's political and economic future.

This is, Buglers, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to wield behind-the-scenes power to shape the future of your planet whilst consolidating your own personal financial power base and ensuring that your priorities remain the world's priorities.

What a prize.

It is a five-year term on the steering committee and to win that, you simply have to finish this sentence in fewer than 20 words.

I think it is best if the biggest decisions affecting the planet are conducted covertly by an elite cabal of bankers, politicians, and oligarchs because dot dot dot.

So send that in, and we will judge the best entries

who will win their place on the Bilderberg Group steering committee.

Send your entries by email to hellobugles at thebuglepodcast.com.

Do mark your email Bilderberg in the subject box.

Or by pigeon to Coop4056 at Bugle Headquarters London.

Or by Ouija board to Andy's late great-great-uncle Furnist.

That section is going going in the bin.

That is an excellent competition.

Yeah.

I'm sure you'll enter yourself before.

Top story out of Australia now.

Tourist unable to poo after sexy Rue blocks her from Lou.

Award-winning comedy all here, guys.

Last month in John Forrest National Park, just outside of Perth, a French tourist was blocked from using a public toilet by a sexy kangaroo striking a seductive come hither pose in the toilet's entrance.

This is all anybody's talking about in Australia.

It's the most Australian story in the world.

Have you seen the photo of the roux in question, Andy?

Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, I've seen the photo.

Not that I can Google it now because I think it would be shut down by a safe search function.

The sexiest goddamn kangaroo I've ever seen in my life.

It is off the charts.

That is the hottest piece of sexy roux tail out there, and he wants it too.

He's not skippy.

he's slutty, baby.

Oh, I haven't been aroused since this aroused since reading Blinky Bill as a kid.

Oh,

the things I'd do to that roo if he let me into his pouch.

Oh, damn, baby, let me be a dirty little joey boy.

I want to hop all over you all night long.

Oh, you like that, baby?

Yeah,

sorry, fellas.

It's been a while.

What's been a while, Tom?

Just anyone.

Just anything.

It is warm-blooded.

Since you last committed a sex crime.

No, I just...

It's not a real country, Tom.

You can't tell me that Australia is a real country with this sort of thing.

We have real news stories.

It was a really sexy kangaroo, Nish, that she needed to get to the toilet.

Come on, mate.

I mean, I think, I think

it's a very...

Shut up about the cricket.

This show is over.

I've already had to do one podcast about the cricket this week.

That was

more than enough.

I'm very concerned about this kangaroo story.

To me it shows that the animal kingdom is getting more confident, more cocky.

They've seen the divisions within our species and they are thinking this could be our chance to get rid of those imperialist figs.

And it was interesting what this French tourist said.

She said,

Australia is such a beautiful country with perfect weather and I would move here if I could.

Well, I think she should give it a go because with all due respect, she does look like she has all the required paperwork not to end up in a cell on Manus Island or Nauru with 60 other people who also think Australia is beautiful and would move there if they could.

And by paperwork, I mean white face in a t-shirt with the I'm Definitely Not a Refugee slogan on it.

That's all we ask of people.

It's not too much to sort out.

Nish, if you get a chance to have a look at that, you're welcome back anytime.

The tourist moves she's a 30-year-old French lady and she said afterwards, it was so funny.

I couldn't stop laughing when I saw it.

It was posed like that.

I wouldn't have been surprised if it had said, hey girl, what's up?

What the hell are you talking about, you sick French weirdo?

It's a kangaroo.

You wouldn't be surprised if a kangaroo said English words to you.

And not just any words, creepy, flirty, disturbing words.

That's sexual harassment.

Hashtag me ru.

Hashtag me ru.

That is unbelievably strong work.

I didn't realise that the film Titanic was so huge in the kangaroo community.

It was just looking at that photo.

It is absolutely a homage to Kate Winslet's infamous bows from that movie.

I assumed the caption was paint me like one of your French animals.

Very hot at the moment in Australia as well.

That's a huge story over here.

And here's a...

How hot, Tom?

How hot?

How hot?

How hot?

We're frying the brains of bats.

Oh, right, okay.

That's

hundreds of fur-covered flying fox bats, which lack sufficient canopy cover and shade in Australia's suburbs, died outside Sydney over the weekend as temperatures soared to 117 degrees Fahrenheit, the hottest it's been since 1939.

Check out this sentence, okay?

The Candon advertiser reports as of Monday, 204 dead bats, mostly babies, whose brains had been boiled, had been collected in Campbelltown.

It feels like something out of revelations.

Fake news.

Those bats weren't cut out for it, mate.

They're not cut out for our new globally warmed worlds.

But I tell you, it's so hot in Australia right now, guys.

It is so hot, Nish and Andy.

It is so hot.

How hot, Tom?

How hot.

It's so hot, no one can even be bothered being racist here anymore.

Oh, it's so hot in Australia right now.

How hot, Tom?

How hot?

It's so hot, Nicole Kidman's nose has melted.

Oh, it's so hot right now in Australia-nish.

I tell you what.

How hot, Tom?

How hot?

It's so hot, we're becoming delusional and finding kangaroos f ⁇ kable.

That's how hot it is right now.

On the subject of this,

the French kangaroo blocked toilet lady

describing.

As I believe her full name is.

Describing Australia's perfect weather.

I mean, how perfect can we be if the brains of bats have been literally boiling in their heads because it's so f ⁇ ing hot?

Well, this is lovely weather if you'd like to be able to brew a nice cup of green tea without having to use anything other than the ambient air temperature to heat your water.

And it's lovely weather if you like bats to cook themselves.

It's a bloody good thing Gotham City isn't located in New South Wales.

I believe that woman saw all those baby bats with boiled brains lying all over the ground and she thought, these bats are trying to f me right now.

I mean, I've got very little sympathy for the bat.

It's an idiot of a species.

It's brought it on itself, the unloved evolutionary bastard child of the turd and the umbrella.

If it had spent more of its time evoluting, working out how to invent air conditioning or the sun hat like us humans did instead of majoring on hanging upside down from stuff like a giant testicle and echolocation it wouldn't be in this mess would it would not be in this mess it was uh 55 degrees celsius on the field uh in the sun during the final test match in sydney at one point or in old measurements 649 for seven declared

whereas

Up in the northern hemisphere, the bomb cyclone that we reported on last week with Hari Kondibolu, right in the middle of the bomb cyclone in New York,

had the opposite effect.

It had sharks, iguanas, and prosecution lawyers freezing to death.

Sorry, not prosecution lawyers, alligators.

Always getting them mixed up.

It's over, right?

It's over.

What, the world?

Yeah.

When one half is freezing to death and the other half is cooking its livestock,

we're fed.

Yeah, that's basically the planet is now a kitchen.

Tom understand there's been a continued dispute over Australia Day, which is Invasion Day, Andy.

Sorry, right.

Because yeah,

it commemorates,

well, the 26th of January 1788, the proclamation of British sovereignty over the eastern seaboard of what is now Australia under the Finders-Keepers existing inhabitants, Weepers rule of European exploration.

So it's known as Invasion Day, Survival Day, and Sunburn Day, which was the first Brits getting roasted in the Australian sun in 1788.

So what's, I mean, what are the options for

an alternative?

Well, any other day, some would argue, literally any other f ⁇ ing day.

That's quite popular, but no, the people who want to retain Australia Day on January 26th seem quite set.

on that.

It is a very complicated debate.

Some people think that, you know, celebrating our country on that day is disrespectful because the 26th marks the beginning of the invasion and genocide and the oppression of the First Peoples, and other people are white.

So it's very complicated.

And I don't know where to come down on either side of that.

So it's very tricky.

I mean, you could instead mark the start of the third test of the very first Ashes series in

January 1883, the third test began, which Australia lost, setting in motion the greatest crickling rivalry of all time.

And that game began on the 26th of January.

So you should switch it to that

is that was that the first ever time where they burnt the wicket stumps or whatever the hell they did yeah i think uh wicket stumps that's near enough tom that's that's near enough it's on a topic

sounds like you've put the wisdom cricket annual through a bad translation engine will you throw the ball rocket down to the wicket stumps

strike it with your whacking stick this reminds me what i used to pretend to be straight oh can i put you on your lady breast

Will?

Spread your lady legs, please, and I will enjoy putting my man straight tongue there.

Family shell.

Family shell.

Well, on the subject of

ladies, some very important breaking news from here in the UK.

The company which provides the Queen's Lingerie has lost its royal warrants after former owner published her autobiography.

The company, which has embracied the Royal Frontisterion since 1960, lost the rights to encapsulate Her Majesty's

capsules.

June Keaton, the luxury bra fitter, who publishes autobiography entitled Storm in a Decup, said she would never reveal details of what went on during the fittings.

All she'd revealed in the book, she claimed, was that she had visited the palace.

The palace.

Well, I mean, the palace was not impressed.

She also said, I only ever said I went there, not what happened.

I have never ever spoken about what I do there with her, or with the Queen Mother, or Princess Margaret, which does raise the question, What the f do you do there with the Queen, Queen Mother, and Princess Margaret?

Holy cow, I can't wait for this series of The Crown.

Two girls, one crown.

This is 50 Shades of Grey.

This is the ultimate 50 Shades

of Grey, I think.

I've never been involved in a conversation where it feels like everyone involved could be beheaded.

Of course,

you can understand the palace closing ranks on this because the existence of the Royal Memerials has been a closely guarded secret for many decades.

And we must emphasise that Buckingham Palace insists there is no proof of any bosomalities belonging to any current, past, or future member of the royal family, although contemporary portraiture does suggest that Charles II's wife, Catherine of Braganza, in the 17th century, may have had one or more gestural exturbances.

But

that is unconfirmed as we speak.

It is

reshuffle again.

Right.

This week, Theresa May has reshuffled her cabinet.

It's not so much rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic Titanic as it is rearranging the food menus on the Titanic.

Just a completely pointless gesture by a government that is on its way towards hitting the iceberg.

They have not really done anything substantial to the front bench.

They've not moved on a few of the leading MPs that are incredibly unpopular with the government.

David Davis, who's the Brexit secretary, who seems to have done absolutely no work.

Boris Johnson, the foreign secretary and cartoon racist who has failed to get a British citizen currently imprisoned in Iran anything other than more press attention for something that he and only he craves and then there's Jeremy Hunt who's the health secretary who's presided over the worst crisis this winter in the National Health Service's history

he has not been removed from his post Andy and Tom he has in fact had his responsibilities expanded he is now the Secretary for Health and Social Care.

The rumour is that he was planning to be fired but at a a meeting, he simply refused.

Now,

that is no doubt a baller move.

Speaking of someone who has been fired from multiple jobs, I never had the brass neck to simply look my soon-to-be ex-employer in the eye and just say, no.

Also, Jeremy Hunt has really struggled.

And again, as someone who's struggled in various jobs, I sympathise with him a lot.

And giving him more responsibility is probably not what the doctor, or in his case, the ex-doctor who's now left for Australia for more money, ordered.

Keeping Jeremy Hunt at health again when she could have shuffled him after the election last year as well, suggests this is not so much a reshuffle as a prank.

I mean, comedy of repetition is all very well in the right context.

I mean, in fact, I blame Stuart Lee for this reshuffle to be honest.

This is basically like hiring the same babysitter for the fourth time after the first three times he got your children addicted to gambling, whiskey, and then golf.

If anything, they should have reduced his responsibility because clearly health as a sort of portfolio is too demanding for him.

So Jeremy Hunt should have been elected the first ever Secretary of State for sneezing and tennis elbow.

That is his constituency, actually.

Lovely little villages in Gloucestershire.

The Daily Mail, which for the uninitiated is very much the anti-bugle to the bugles, bugle,

has got very upset about this whole thing.

They led

with a headline on their front page the day after the reshuffle that read, Massacre of middle-aged men.

Now,

turns out what they were referring to was the fact that the number of men in the government has fallen from 89 to a frankly catastrophic 82.

Barely discernible.

As for the average age, it has plummeted from 52 to a low-jeans-wearing, rap music-enjoying enjoying age of 51.

It's absolutely, it's a massacre over here, Tom.

You can't believe what's going on.

My concern with this is that the Daily Mail does not know the meaning of the word massacre.

And they think massacre is a slight reduction in something.

Right.

And the St.

Valentine's Day massacre was just a year where greeting card sales were slightly down.

I mean, I'm very concerned about this because, you know, as our middle-aged white man from the home counties, I want to know who who is representing me in government.

When will my voice be heard?

The full cabinet remains 74% male and 96% white.

Yay!

Champion's champion!

What I want to know, Andy, is when will the bugle return to those sort of stats?

I cannot believe it.

You've had johnny foreigners and and johnny women all over this place.

Well, yeah, and as we've heard already today, Tom Ballard himself is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

Thank you.

Nice, that took way longer than normal.

Yeah, it was something.

It's good to have a catchphrase, isn't it?

Yeah, why do you think there's a heat wave, Tom?

Why do you think there's a heat wave?

Join the dots.

We did get gay marriage last year.

Yeah,

I guess he's taking that out on the bats.

bats.

That's brutal.

Yeah, that's right.

That is, you know, that is biblical stuff, isn't it?

You legalize gay marriage, and bats' brains boil in their heads.

Just wait for a Jewish guy to walk from Australia to New Zealand now.

I'm telling you, it's going to happen.

Referring to him as a Jewish guy.

Yeah, Moses, he was on his.

What's that Jewish guy going on about?

About the beggars?

there's a couple of subsidiary stories involving the daily mail this week one is that virgin trains have actually banned the sale of the daily mail infringing people's freedom of speech Andy right

or I mean depending on your perspective on it either it's an infringement of freedom of speech or it's a non-f ⁇ ing story

Basically Virgin Trains have sell newspapers on their trains and they have decided to not sell the Daily Mail.

Now there's a little bit of confusion over this because uh this story apparently originally has its roots in about six months ago when they took a decision as a company to stop selling the daily mail because it was selling so poorly but now virgin have dressed this up as a philosophical stand uh because virgin themselves have gone through a couple of pieces of unpleasant pr uh over the last few months because as a company they've actually they're actually in the process of attempting to sue the nhs uh and their train fares have actually massively increased so it does feel like a bit of a pr stunt but obviously the daily mail have lost their goddamn mind

and described this as a sort of freedom of speech.

Now, Andy, I'm a non-driving stand-up comedian.

So I take the train all the time.

Now, I like to read The Guardian and Empire magazine.

Neither of those are available on Virgin Trains.

So what I do is I go to these magical places called news agents

that we have in train stations.

And I just buy them and I take them on the train with me because I'm a f ⁇ ing adult.

Right, okay.

And I don't stand there screaming about my freedom of speech being violated.

It's a f ⁇ ing non-story.

Also, you describe the lack of Daily Mails as a massacre on the trains.

There's been a massacre on the newspapers.

Yeah, it's been an absolute massacre.

It's like living in a police state, isn't it?

Except you're still able to buy the newspaper somewhere else if you want it.

Next soon will be the Daily Female if the bloody PC police have their way.

What I can't understand about this story is the idea that anyone was buying the Daily Mail on the train anyway.

Because you thought if you're sitting on a British train, why would you want to make yourself even angrier about the state of emotion

by reading the Daily Mail?

Double negative, Andy.

Yeah.

That's how too.

Maybe they cancel each other out.

Yeah, they cancel each other out, yeah.

The only thing I would say is that if I was the Daily Mail, and I think we can all agree I am,

I would maybe take a long, hard look at myself.

Because if a company like Virgin, with at best questionable ethical practices, is making moral judgments on you, how shitty must you be?

It's like being told by Skeletor that you need to be nicer.

Yeah.

Well, I think that was really the tipping point for Islamic State is when they got told off by Saudi Arabia.

That was when you really think, no, that's something's gone very badly.

Oh, guys, take the flags down.

We've definitely taken this too far.

And further British arsehole news.

Toby Young has been the centre of more controversy this week.

Tom, how aware are you guys of Toby Young?

I'm interested to know how far he's travelled.

No, what is he?

He's an absolute arsehole wanker man who's in charge of university things.

Well, he was appointed to a board that's overseeing parts of tertiary education in this country.

And he...

For a little bit of background on him, he describes his previous job before he was involved in education as journalistic provocateur, which is, of course, from the Latin meaning total c ⁇ money.

He's part of the sort of sub-genre of c money that are sort of plaguing British discourse at the moment.

And not, I mean, plaguing British discourse, but also currently residing in the White House.

But

he said a lot of contentious things very deliberately in newspaper columns and on Twitter.

And that's all sort of fine.

You know, we've all expressed opinions and, you know, we've all utilised our freedom of speech.

The problem is that when it came to him being involved in education, it turns out that some of those those comments came back to bite him on the ass.

He talked a lot about women's breasts and

also at one point disguised himself as a woman to try and pick up lesbians.

Something which he did for an article he was subsequently paid for.

And he's now been forced, he says, by an angry mob to step down from his post in the

education board.

He's, you know,

well, I'm a comedian.

I've said some truly reprehensible things, most of them on this podcast.

I value my use of freedom of speech, but I do realize that if at some point I suffered a sort of catastrophic brain injury that fundamentally changed my personality and decided I wanted to be involved in education, some of those things might come back to buy me in the ass.

I mean, if I ever did take up a job in a school, I imagine my hearing would just involve people playing extracts from this podcast, including the conversation we just had about the Queen's boobs.

Provocateur, provocateur.

American news now, and well, it wouldn't be a day ending in the syllable day, or a year ending in something following three digits following two at the moment,

if Donald Trump did not say something that just made you slightly regret the evolution of life.

According to the Washington Post in a meeting with lawmakers concerning immigration, he said, Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?

Now, I am never one to defends Donald Trump unnecessarily.

But can a man not ask a rhetorical question without everyone assuming he's an incurably racist spanner?

I mean,

there's a number of things here.

A number of things.

As I said, I'm not a massive fan of Trump, although I appreciate and understand the fact that at last there is someone in the White House prepared to stand up for the big guy, to protect the unpersecuted minorities like oil barons and billionaires, and leave no stone unurinated on in his effort to ensure America is at the vanguard of 20th century industries as this third millennium proceeds.

But let's cut in some slack here.

For a start, shithole countries, obviously an acronym, like BRIC countries.

BRICS.

The shithole is states having immense trouble having obviously lost everything.

State, you know, like Haiti, as he mentioned.

Unfortunate acronym use by Trump, the completely unique national treasure.

As I said, BRIC countries, or if you add South Africa, that's Brazil, Russia, India, China, or BRICS if you had South Africa, or if you had South Africa, Hungary, Indonesia, Thailand, Hong Kong, Oman, Uruguay, Saudi Arabia, and Ecuador, BRIC shithouse countries.

But anyway, what I want to know...

When are we going to hear the leaked audio of the rest of this conversation and Donald Trump's answer to his own rhetorical question.

Well, luckily, thanks to our extensive network of people contacts within the White House Inner Sanctum, we do have secret recording of Donald Trump's answer to his own question.

So, Donald, why is it that you are having all these people from shithole countries come to America?

Because they are the people and countries most in need of the goodness and generosity of nations like the United States of America.

Right.

I mean, that's nice to hear, isn't it?

He knows that these countries countries need it.

Countries like America, he continued.

Developed nations who have been unbelievably

lucky

that fate has helped them.

Right.

Well, that's good.

And he carried on.

And who therefore don't need to go around stealing good people from other countries.

See, Mr.

Roll, for fuck's sake, America is a nation founded above all else on immigration and giving the people of the world the hope and dream of a better, brighter, and more prosperous future.

So, there we go.

I mean, and he concluded by saying, I mean, come on, everybody, for f sake, we need to grow the f up about this kind of shift.

Such a different man, sort of behind the scenes, you know, compared to his public face.

It's so weird, those sort of behind-the-scenes recordings that you have access to exclusively here on Bugle Andy.

It's very different.

I mean, there's a lot of vested interest in the media that know on this kind of good stuff about Trump.

You are the Michael Wolf of

the Anti-Wolf.

He did, to be fair, because I know this sounds a little bit hypocritical from Usner, but he did say this.

And of course, this also applies to the United Kingdom.

Yep, so that's good to know that.

We're in the same boat.

And to Australia.

And to Australia, indeed.

And well, I think he's aware of,

you know Tom you've done you've done shows all about the immigration issue uh i in Australia.

Thank you Tom.

I am your biggest fan in the world

that's so sweet.

Oh

yeah, it's lovely isn't it?

Nish, sorry.

You can't say anything about this because you are the Muslim

Donald.

Are you going to deny that?

I can neither confirm nor deny these allegations.

I think you're going to find it

100%

in fact the Muslim

So just to be clear these are secret recordings that you have that are somehow now having a conversation with us here on the bugle

Funny how the world works these days

that way.

Yeah, it's very interesting Okay, where to start?

I think the most concerning thing is that your

heavily tampered Trump extracts are in fact no less coherent than when he speaks.

It's a bit like his brain is doing that to the words that are coming out of his mouth, anyway.

If you want to hear more of

conversations with Donald Trump, yeah, I had a long chat with him about the ashes, actually, on the last episode of the Unbelievable Ashes podcast, which is available online.

In other Trump news, he's cancelled a scheduled trip to London to open the spanking new US Embassy, which has been described as a modern architectural marvel.

Biggest embassy in the world.

And do you know the reason he's cancelled it?

I would want to hear you say it.

Right, well, the reason he's cancelled it is not because of any dispute with Her Majesty the Queen about something, about

her refusing him to go out on a date with him or anything like that.

Or dispute with Britain as a nation, or the fear of millions of people protesting his visit.

It's due to him being annoyed about property prices.

He tweeted this: The reason I canceled my trip to London is that I'm not a big fan of the Obama administration having sold perhaps the best located and finest embassy in London for quotes peanuts, only to build a new one in an off-location for $1.2 billion.

Bad deal!

Bad, bad deal.

Well, I mean, a number of things from this.

It was, in fact, the Bush administration that set this, the wheels in motion for this.

But, you know, I mean,

let's not let that fact get in the way of uh of his fact that it was obama clearly um

uh also the new embassy has a moat it has a fing moat unbelievable that should be right up trump's alley surely it's twice as big as the old embassy and in trump speak that means it's twice as good uh it's basically the only logistically feasible site in london given american security uh needs it's uh uh the old site its value was driven down by grade two listed status rather than a bad deal by the obama and grade two listed status or, to be fair, it is known, the Barack Obama being a Muslim from Kenya law.

And it's also, it is being redeveloped as a completely unnecessary luxury hotel.

What part of this deal is not in your hitting zone, Donald?

It's got Trump written through it like the message in a stick of rock.

It's unbelievable.

But

it is amazing that he's managed to blame this on Barack Obama when it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

And it does concern me that by the end of Trump's presidency, the traditional motto motto of the United States would have been changed from e pluribus unum to blame us itus on the blackest guy.

I think people want to go to America from shithole countries to make them feel better about their own shitty countries.

They just want to look around the US, check out the situation and go, you know what?

Things

in Yemen right now could be worse.

But it's good that he's managed to be put off coming to Britain for whatever the reason is because, you know, he, I mean, he's he's very worried about the state of protest obviously and there could be more tension coming up because there are some rumors that Prince Harry whose impending wedding is obviously at the tip of all of our tongues every day in Britain at the moment he might be inviting Barack Obama but not inviting President Trump

and I say I say we go one further than that and we start inviting other people that Donald Trump would be upset to have there so I think we should get Barack Obama Rosie O'Donnell and the entire entire population of Mexico involved.

In just a quick bit of Trump's old friends news, Steve Bannon leaving Breitbart.

Very sad for fans of right-wing hate-mongering.

Rumours by fascism's rose.

Rumours that he could be starting a new column in Teen Vogue magazine with some health, beauty, and sex tips.

Also, hearing some chatter on the wires that he's being lined up for the Arsenal job.

We'll report back on that next week.

He is, there is a space that's just recently opened up on the advisory board for British Universities.

Judging by their previous screening process, Bannon would walk in.

Now, the last person who held this job was an absolute do you feel like you could match that if you take on the role, Steve?

Yes, yes, I could.

But we're looking for people who are for money.

We are over time already.

Thanks for your emails, particularly to Axel Brown.

Yes.

Member of the GB Bobsleigh squad, currently waiting to hear if he's going to make the Olympic team.

Good luck, Axel.

And if you're listening, Bob Sleigh Selectors, he's clearly by far the breakiest brake man in your squad.

Put him in the team.

We will have the winter sports pun run that has been commissioned by Axel

on behalf of all British Olympians, past, present and future, in both summer and winter games, will be delivered next week.

Yes.

At the Bugle Live Show at the Leicester Square Theatre on Thursday the 18th, it will feature me, Alice Fraser, and Mark Steele on Bugle debut.

So it should be a tremendous show.

There are still some tickets available, Chris.

There are a few.

Correct.

So do get them off the internet and we'll see you all there next Thursday.

So thanks.

Do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com and of course your Builderberg competition entries.

Before we go,

it's plug section.

Yes, my tour begins on Saturday the 13th, which is probably already passed by the time you listen to this in Southport.

Sunday the 14th in Salford at the Lowry.

Then there's the Bugle Live show on Thursday.

On Friday I'm at the Glee in Birmingham and Saturday the 20th at the Arctrix in Bromsgrove.

The tour goes on until early March and then comes this my first date in Ireland for about 15 years since I had a bit of a contra tom with the town of Killarney.

I think I've talked about a few.

Did I talk about that a few?

I did talk about

horrible flashbacks.

I love the idea of you having a beef with a whole town.

Tom, have you got anything to plug?

Oh, yes.

Well, the good people of Australia can see my show Tonightly on ABC Comedy every single night of the week.

A hilarious show about the news.

Imagine that.

Imagine doing comedy about satire and stuff.

Every single night, 9pm on ABC Comedy.

We're on Facebook and there's a podcast and YouTube and all that kind of stuff.

You can find us on Twitter at tonightly if you so wish.

Nish?

Nick.

Your series is coming back.

Yeah, the MASH report is returning.

It's also a satirical show, but it happens once a a week because I do not have Ballard's frankly stankovite work ethic.

So that returns next Thursday at 10 p.m.

on BBC2.

And if it sounds like I'm reading those off the programme's official website, that's because I am.

So there you go.

I think what we've all learned is that if you do the bugle, you get your own TV show.

Just hang out with me.

I'm the magic man.

I'm the star maker.

It works out for everyone.

I've got a TV show, Nisha's got a TV show, Andy keeps doing the podcast.

I mean, everybody wins.

You guys were going nowhere.

We won our 15%.

Loser, Oliver.

Nothing, nothing until he did this show.

Until next time, Buglers.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.