Bugle 4038 – Every Mushroom Cloud…

I will be in Australia for the next few weeks hoping that the cricket can provide the distraction for everyone that it has so successfully provided for me since I was six years old.

If you want to come to my shows there is a Bugle Live in Melbourne on the 22nd of December where I'll be joined by Sammy Shar and Lloyd Langford and I'm doing the Zoltgeist, my stand-up show in Melbourne on the 23rd of December and we've just added a possibly optimistic extra show in Sydney on the 3rd of January.

The 2nd of January show is sold out but please, please, please come on the 3rd. My UK tour extension begins begins at the end of January.
All details and ticket links at andysoltsman.co.uk

Hari, can I just warn you that when Andy has these sort of silent moments of intense typing just before a show,

it's usually directly proportional to the amount of bullshit that's going to get spewed at some specific moment.

I'm just warning you now.

I appreciate it, Chris.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello,

buglers, and welcome back from the Bugle Summer Recess to this issue 4038 of the universe's leading authority on all things related to the current phase of human evolution, the state of the universe, and feudal monarchy in the the fictitious kingdom of Vauritania from the year 1379 to 1382, inclusive.

That is, years of matter-up people, of course, when King Lothar the Incomprehensible mumbled at barely audible volume during a series of unsuccessful battles that eventually led to his usurper by his own wife, Queen Isidore the Pat of Aggressive.

More on that coming in a new exclusive Bugle 1,000-page book. I am Andy Zaltzmann, live, back from holiday in London now, after two weeks of almost zero access to all news, bliss, sweet, sweet, bliss.

And joining me from Seattle, Washington in the USA, it's the one and only Hari Kondabolu. Hey, Andy.
Hello, how are you? That is a silly question to ask considering the news of the week.

This might be it. This might be the last episode of the Bugle and also of existence.
Right. Well, I mean, the Bugles managed to...

Managed to last out some major global crises. I don't see why potential nuclear conflict and the destruction of the planet should stop this podcast.

Don't be so negative.

Don't bring this show down with your pessimism.

We will touch more on this in due course, Buglers. As you would already know, if you can remember the start of

the show about a minute and a half ago, this is Bugle 4038, coincidentally the final score in a thrilling best of three coin toss competition between Napoleon and himself over whether or not to invade Russia.

He really wanted to build that giant snowman.

We are recording on Friday the 11th of August 2017, meaning it is 33 years to the day since the same day in 1984 when President Ronald Reagan jokingly said in the sound check before his weekly address that we begin bombing in five minutes.

almost sparking another global nuclear conflict.

I don't know whether the current crisis would be a more childish way to begin a global war than dicking around in a sound check, but it would be unnervingly close.

As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, a catalogue of bugle audio evening classes for the 21st century world.
Choose from advanced scaremongering.

Lesson one is basic MPQ, that's minimum plausibility quotients.

Another class you could choose is pessimism for the naturally cheerful. That's increasingly popular and necessary in the modern world.

Self-sufficiency for the practically incompetent, which is basically teaching you how to live off what spiders catch in the cobwebs in your house.

Pedantry with wrestling, a useful double up for today's argumentative world. And dealing with online abuse.

This week how to repress any feelings of guilt you might suffer whilst anonymously insulting complete strangers.

And how to counteract any niggling doubts that you might not be 110% correct about your crackbot views of the world in the face of overwhelming evidence that you are in fact, completely deluded.

Also, in the bin, free audio emojis. Now, some very exciting emoji news has just broken today.

I don't know if you've seen this, Harry and Chris, sitting there in the sound booth, but the Unicode Emoji Subcommittee have announced that as soon as June of next year, new emojis will be launched representing previously unimogenable persons, including the bald, the curly-haired, the ginger, and the aging.

At last, people like me, me, me, and me are being represented by the emoji industry. This is a huge breakthrough for humanity.

And to mark this historic step forward in the art of human representation, we at the Bugle proudly offer you a selection of free audio emojis.

Just download these audio files and play them into your conversation at the end of sentences on a loud set of portable speakers.

When the ancient tradition of communicating with words is simply insufficient and you need to get a bit audio hieroglyphic with your conversation partners.

Here are your free audio emojis.

Quick interpretation of that one, that is, for f sake, mate.

That equivalate to one or more of angry, constipated, and dying of an incurable fever. And finally, woo! Which means roughly, I will hound you from now until your dying day.

Those audio emojis are going straight in the bin. They all kind of sounded constipated.

That's the art of the emoji.

I'm so pleased there wasn't a sex one then. Oh, yeah.

I was on holiday in

France, and we went to see some ancient cave art dating back,

what, 20,000 years?

And it's amazing that we're basically just returning to that level of depiction of the human form. In fact, probably slightly less sophisticated than that.

That was a very heartbreaking thing you said.

You just described the evolution.

It's happening everywhere you look.

Even the times at the World Athletics Championship seem to be getting slower.

I mean, just how we talk about anything. Like, do you like it or do you not like it? I like it.

That's it.

Okay, and then it's like, oh, that's a lot of words. Heart or no heart.

How do you want to pick your mate? Do you want you like this face or you want the next face? Do you want to swipe to the next face?

It's getting back to human basics.

We've wasted the last 20,000 years.

We started getting complacent as a species when the mammoths died out, and we need to get our heads back.

Top story, world on the brink of nuclear war. On a positive note, this might solve the climate change crisis.
Yay!

Every mushroom cloud has a silver lining.

So this is, so there might be a war, it looks like, between North Korea and the U.S. US.
I'm jumping the gun a little bit, but it feels like that's where this might be going.

My interpretation of what's happening right now with uh Trump challenging North Korea uh is uh basically the last President of the United States was black, right?

So now

we all have to die

And I think that's the policy decision that has been made at this point.

Okay. I hadn't spotted that logic before, but that doesn't make sense now

that you mention it. I mean, I was, like I said, I've been away for a few weeks, and I missed the escalation of

this crisis, which seemed to happen largely while Donald Trump was playing golf.

I guess you have to ask, how likely is war? And I guess... The answer is, well, how long is a piece of string?

And the answer to that is, that depends whether that piece of string has got two f ⁇ ing lunatics pulling as hard as possible at either end, shouting, wrap your tape measures around this, you fing losers.

Correct.

Correct. If I had to put my money on it, though, I would guess that there probably will not be a massive global Armageddon-level apocalypse-grade conflict arising from this.

Because for every one person who wants it to kick off and make things go boom, there are approximately 3.75 billion who are probably

not as keen. Basically, Harry, this seems to boil down not so much to

you know a classic build-up of geopolitical tension that many wars originate from. This is basically

just a dick swinging contest.

And I mean that's that's fine to an extent, but the problem is when dicks get swung, there is always a danger that porcelain ornaments will be knocked off relatively low mantelpieces.

That is the concern for me as a member of of the human race, particularly when one of those doing the swinging is Kim Jong-un, a one-man one-man zone who rules North Korea with a rod of stupid, stupid iron.

Surely even he can't be that keen on unleashing the full might of everyone else's military on his shitty little country. I mean what would that do to the living standards of ordinary North Koreans?

I mean that probably go very slightly up which is not what he wants. I think that when you're a maniac

after

you lose any kind of contest or when you want to show the other person off you you burn the village after don't you so he they would they are planning to burn down the global village that'll show them

also quick quick commentary on on your commentary did you just said if you were to put money on this yeah that seems like a safe bet because if you are wrong you do not need to uh to pay up i guess so that is the ultimate no-lose bet isn't it

yeah that's it's a very safe bet and also with regards to your dick swinging swinging, the one thing you left out is it's possible that one of those parties is able to fit a nuclear warhead on the tip of their beams.

Which would change the dynamic considerably.

I mean, I do have slight vision. I mean, I don't, fundamentally, clearly, it's in no one's interests for this to kick off.

It doesn't make... I mean, I was looking at the strategy of it because North Korea proudly announced that they're going to attack Guam, basically.

Guam, as I'm sure you listeners know, is a small island in the Pacific.

And in terms of the strategy of it, obviously, it makes perfect sense to attack a heavily defended and highly militarized Pacific island because that is the absolutely ideal beachhead, Hari, for North Korea's planned land invasion of mainland USA, being as it is just 6,000 short miles from the coast of California.

I mean, perhaps this, I mean, it seems too obvious. Maybe this is a distraction.

And as we speak, the North Korean Navy is, under cover of broad daylight, about to storm the Pacific States, starting obviously with you in Seattle.

So, as our Seattle correspondent, currently on the front line, could you just check out of your window and see whether the North Korean landing forces have already taken over the city and are sitting down for coffees or listening to grunge?

Okay, sure.

No, No, not yet. Okay, well

that is a huge relief. Huge relief.
I was reading about Guam,

that it apparently has the largest munition stockpile in the world stored in igloos deep in the jungle, surrounded by tree snakes and wild boar.

That was according to one thing on the internet, so it's basically basically true. But I mean, that's I mean, confidence, isn't it, to keep igloos in a jungle.

I assume they don't mean actual ice igloos. But if it is, I mean, that shows the amazingness of America as a nation, that it keeps munition stockpiles in an igloo near the equator.

That is sensational levels of national confidence. I feel so bad for Guam.
Guam just gets passed down from one colonizing power to the next. It's now a U.S.
territory.

It just keeps getting sweet. It has nothing to do with this.
It didn't ask for military bases. It didn't get asked to get mixed up in the U.S.'s issues.
Now, all of a sudden, it might get blown up.

After all it's been through, Guam is basically the job of unincorporated U.S. territories.

Can I give you a Guam power factor? All right, okay. Chris is coming at us with some Guam factor.
So, Guam, 160 odd thousand.

They took on India at rugby union.

India of 1.2 billion people, and they drew. That is a good result in terms of magic.
At all.

Take that, India.

Let's have some more Guam facts since you brought that in. We'll have a quick Guam fact box.

Guam is about 30 miles long and around 8 miles wide, and from certain angles, it looks like a potato in a sock, or a limbless, tailless dog, or a fish finger that's been trodden on by a small child, or a scale model of the south island of New Zealand that went a bit wonky at the bottom.

Some scientists claim that if Guam was much, much bigger than it is and in a different part of the world, it would be Spain. Guam is entirely surrounded by the celebrity ocean, the Pacific.

If you wanted to empty the Pacific Ocean to find some keys you dropped overboard during a dinghy race from Japan to Peru, you would need the world's largest bucket, with a volume of approximately two-thirds of a billion cubic kilometers.

Or that's the same volume as a scale model of the Queen blown up a trillion times.

Guam has never won the Football World Cup, the Olympic 4x100m Freestyle Swimming, or Landlocked Country of the Year award. There you go, there are your Guam, your Guam facts.

I see this playing out a few different ways. Okay.

One, we could have full-out war. Alright, that doesn't sound too good.
That doesn't sound too good, okay? Yep. Second way is that there is some...

This is something that the U.S. has done in other situations.
Small aerial attacks on key sites with weapons and things to weaken North Korea. Now, here's the problem with that.

Knowing Kim Jong-un the way I know Kim Jong-un,

he will probably see that as an act of war, and that will then lead to a full-on war. Right, okay.
The third tact is potentially we could ignore him. Right.

Uh the problem is uh Trump does not ignore things. He's petty, so that's not going to work.
And then we could talk it out. But then we see what happens when Trump talks it out.

Again, that will lead to full-on war.

So there's only one method that I think has been proven that potentially could solve this.

And that's an arm wrestling contest to control each other's countries, like we saw in the Sylvester Stallone movie from the 1980s, Over the Top,

where Sylvester Stallone arm wrestled for the custody of his child. Right.

It was not a box office success, nor something that courts have advocated for since that film.

But it worked. It was a solution to a ridiculous situation that did not seem plausible.
And that's exactly where we are right now, Andy. I mean, I think there are some other solutions.

Firstly, one solution would be a job swap. Just let Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un do each other's jobs for a bit.
I mean, would anyone actually notice the difference?

That is questionable.

Would it help? No, but it would be interesting to watch.

I came up with a couple of other ways this could resolve itself. Okay.

And I don't know if the U.S. government listens to the podcast, but if they do, one thing we could do is hold members of the 1990s Chicago Bulls team hostage.

Now,

as we know, Kim Jong-un, huge fan of basketball, especially those 90s Bull teams, in particular, Dennis Rodman. You hold Rodman hostage, and you up the ante

every day. He does not end his nuclear program.
Oh, no,

it appears Scotty Pippin is also being held hostage. And then, of course, you wait for Michael, and that's a real test of faith right there.

Then you use reverse psychology in case that we are going to be in war I bet the North Korean government would never tell us what day they would attack man

those dumb North Korean government types they would never tell us specifically where and when

they're too cowardly to tell us this is one of the weird things about it I mean famously in war surprise is an absolutely key element Sun Tzu the two and a half thousand year old Chinese military tactics celebrity and his blockbusting page turning classic The Art of War, he wrote that the key to victory is the ability to use surprise tactics and those who are skilled in producing surprise tactics

will achieve triumph.

So it is slightly odd that North Korea has laid its cards so obviously and openly on the table, particularly as when you look at North Korea's hand against the might of the American military and all of its allies, it is not an intimidating hand.

It's basically laid down a two of clubs, a four of diamond, a jack of sausages, and the naught of turds. That is not going to scare anyone around the card table.

Sure, the jack of sausages might fluke a trick if you play it early, but after that, you're going to get absolutely blitzed.

Well, America is absolutely ready for this, according to Trump. He's, I mean, he said some said some pretty jaunty things.

He's threatened to unleash fire, or fire and fury, or at least fire, fury, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope. I forget.

He's also said America is locked and loaded in the delicate diplomatic language for which he has become renowned. And despite the current tension, a huge

combined American-South Korean military exercise involving tens of thousands of troops is still set to go ahead later this month, starting on the 21st.

Tickets still available at the special website, www.stickthisup, your style in style parademisterkim.com. Fire and fury.
Yep.

So classic too. I'm going to guess, but I think Stan Lee is writing his speeches.

There is no other way a human being, an adult human, would say something like that.

I don't understand. I'm trying to figure out why would he risk nuclear annihilation? Why would you egg on another maniac?

And it's either because he has a spaceship to Mars ready,

so to hell with us.

He's out of here regardless of what happens. Or the second reason why Trump is doing this is that funding North Korea's nuclear program is on his tax returns.

We don't know. But that could be it.

We don't know anything in this day and age.

So the Bugle has long prided itself as being one of the more pessimistic broadcasts broadcasts in the world, constantly fearing the worst, despite often evidence to the contrary.

So, Hori, I think it's time to look at the fact that Armageddon being clearly inevitable, we need to contemplate things that we wish we'd done before the end of the world, which is clearly going to happen before we record again.

Anything in particular stand out for you? Sure, full disclosure, the list I'm about to read, I wrote many years ago. Right, okay.

How many years ago is this?

I think when was the when we

well, there was one version during the whole Y2K threat. Oh, right.
Okay. And then there was the whole mind apocalypse, so I updated it.

There's been a few. This one time I

had a mole I thought was a tumor, and that added a couple of things too.

But

here's I got I got eight things. First,

I wish I got to try Kona Coffee from Hawaii. I've always wanted that.
And I'm not just just saying that in case

we were to survive, that somebody brought me Kona Coffee. Somebody might bring me Kona coffee to my future shows because I mentioned it on this podcast.

I'm just saying I wish I had had a chance to go to Hawaii and try some of their fine Kona coffee. Right.
Well,

what's so special about

I don't know. I don't know.
I've never tried it.

That's why you want to try it. Yes, I've heard it's very good.

Right. It's good to have an achievable goal in life.
Next thing is, I wish I learned to drive. I grew up in New York City.

I found ways to avoid driving, and I just assumed that eventually those Google cars would show up, and they'd be automatic, and everybody else would have been the sucker. Right.

I just waited it out until the cars drove themselves.

Well, I mean, so I'm against just coming a little bit early for you. Yeah.

I mean, I've been to New York City, and I sincerely wish everyone in New York City had learned to drive, particularly the people who do actually drive cars there.

I wish that I had a child.

Right. And I wish that child was endowed with all my powers.

That was something that I've always wanted.

What power specifically?

What particular condobolu in power? What's the adjective from condobolo, by the way?

Condoboli?

It's not condomburlesque, is it? I think, you know, my ability to talk on stage for long periods of time,

my ability to zone other humans out when they talk, but know when it's time for me to talk.

I can write essays. Right.

That's a good question. So, I mean, things like that.

And then after, I would create some kind of space capsule so I could launch my child into space before the planet blows up and send it to another planet with a similar environment but weaker beings than us, where he would have all these superpowers that surpass those of the common man.

Right.

So that's... I mean, you you need to, you know, find that planet

that a race of condobolus could take it over. Correct.
Right. Okay.
Also, I just described the plot to Superman. Yeah, I was going to say, like, it it sounds like Superman as directed by Woody Allen.

Right.

I'll admit, it's been a while since I saw Superman. I didn't entirely pick that up.
All I remember is him coming out of a phone box in his pants.

I wanted to grow a beard one last time, which I had planned to do until Trump got elected, and then it just felt like too much of a risk.

Just I didn't want to, you know, tempers flare. I just, yeah.
Because you've had some quite impressive beards in your time, haven't you? Oh, I've had a number of great beards and mustaches.

And also, I mean, honestly, most of the recent facial hair things I've done, I've done abroad, and then I shave before I re-enter the news generally.

I'd quite like to have grown a beard before Armageddon, but I would need Armageddon to be at least 25,000 25,000 years away at my general rate of facial hair growth.

Well, I mean,

that connects to my next thing, which is

I wanted to see the Mets Winner World Series.

But again, that would have required maybe more time than the end of time.

That's slightly more realistic than the whole Superman Condorbolu plot. Yes.
And finally, the thing I wanted to do before Armageddon was become the White House press secretary.

And it eventually would have been my turn. Right.
And we'll never get there. That's a real shame.

I mean, I have a

few things that I wanted to do. I want

learn to play the spoons

just for the hell of it.

I would like to have become a warlock.

That now seems unlikely. And I would like to have done my forthcoming Edinburgh show, Satirist for Hire, as well as the U.S.
tour shows I'm hopefully be doing in October.

And the second installment of my certifiable history show at Soho Theatre. That's over Christmas in New York.
I wish I'd got to do them before the Armageddon.

But you can still book your tickets until Armageddon happens online, I think. I think they're probably mostly available.
Particularly Edinburgh.

Do come to Edinburgh and send your emails in to satirise this at saturisforhire.com because I could really do with some emails, particularly as it turns out my website was leading to a dead link in which you could not actually send any emails in.

So please do send emails in. Thank you.

Now, you mentioned your failed ambition of becoming White House press secretary,

which seemed just a matter of time.

I

basically missed pretty much the entirety of

Mr. Scaramucci's glorious reign as the mouthpiece of Mr.
Trump. Could you just

bring me and anyone else who missed it up to speed with exactly what the f ⁇ happened? Well, sure, this is basically what happened.

So Trump fired Sean Spicer, which was a shame because he was very easy to mock,

and then hired someone with no political experience whatsoever named Anthony Scaramucci. He has a finance background.

He

was hired.

And during that 10-day period, he missed the birth of his child, at which point his wife filed for divorce.

But, you know, I would assume he was like, well, who cares? I'm the White House press secretary. Screw her and my child.

But then a New Yorker article came out written by Ryan Lizza.

Apparently, Skarmuccik claims that he had called Ryan Lizza and confided a bunch of things because he assumed that a reporter from the New Yorker was apparently a friend who can keep secrets.

So, in that interview, he said that Steve Bannon likes to suck his own dick

and basically insulted most members of the cabinet. At which point, the article came out,

which, by the way, he refers to himself as the mooch.

Third person refers to himself as the mooch.

Something that everyone had been calling him jokingly, we find out that no, he actually goes by the mooch. Right.

He said something to the effect is they were all worried because the mooch was going to come in. Oh, no.

This is a real human who refers to himself as the mooch.

At which point, after that article came out, which I guess he didn't understand, that the New Yorker, actually a pretty big publication.

You know, people do read it,

not just read the cartoons. And as a result, he was fired.

He now has no job.

And his wife left him.

He has not seen his child.

But luckily, he is white and he'll be fine.

Now, I have a theory on this:

that clearly Anthony Scaramucci is fictitious.

There is an increasing prevalence of obviously fictitious characters in top-level politics, business and economics.

Elon Musk, clearly leading the way, obviously fictitious, an obviously made-up entrepreneur. This whole story with Scaramucci is just total bullshit.
The man does not exist. There is no proof.

that he has ever existed.

That is my theory. You know, honestly, I don't think that's that far-fetched.
It was only 10 days. It might have been a slow news cycle.
Yeah, I've got my suspicions. You make stuff up.

Somebody created a character. That's brilliant.
I've got my suspicions about Michael Gove as well, and I'm hoping that they come true.

Your emails now, and this came from Brendan in Australia.

Who writes, you recently broadcast a snippet from August 2010 whilst on your annual leave, during which, amongst other claims, you stated, quote, the world isn't going to satirize itself, is it?

Now that it is 2017, would you care to revise this assertion?

Well, I mean,

it does appear that we are now in some kind of perpetual self-satirizing death spiral of humanity.

Well, I don't know if we're ever going to fly out the other end or not.

What do you reckon, Haram?

Is there any ends to the self-satirizing world that we appear to have voted ourselves into? Well, again, we both know what the end is.

It's going to be,

you know, vaporization. Okay.

But it's clearly going to be the end. I mean, I don't know what else the end could be.
I mean, what is more absurd than that? Right. After all this, it ends like a comic book.

I guess that would be a good way to go, wouldn't it? If you've got to plan your exit these days. I just really hope if it happens, it's all of us at once.

Last thing I want is like some people make it, some people don't.

And just, it's all messy of deal deal with guilt and all that all of us at once we you know we should go out together that's admirably egalitarian of you to almost to the point of communism

this came from uh ub butt who was um

oh welcome back

who's emailed uh the show before um who writes you be butt here again brackets still my real name i saw this adorable pink blob beast shilling unspeakable bathroom products and immediately thought of you andy its name is kan Chan

and it's the mascot representative for a Japanese company that makes enemas.

And you sent us a link to that, which we will, Chris, will put up on the Facebook page.

Can Chan is supposed to be a penguin, writes Yubi. Can Chan is most assuredly not a penguin.
I don't know if that makes it better

or worse? The enema flogging penguin. A pink penguin enema.
The name of my third album.

There's been some sensational mascot action here in London. We've had the World Athletics Championships, more of which shortly.

And the mascot, Hero the Hedgehog, about whom we talked on this show a few weeks ago, has, I mean, he has been on spectacular form in the stadium, absolutely classic max mascot slapstick.

diving around really putting in the hard mascot yards.

My big concern is, though, these championships are nearly over and history shows that the future for mascots post-championship is a pretty bleak one

and you just worry about the emotional come down.

What is going to become of Hero the Hedgehog? He's only a hero for these ten brief days. So please, he's going to need everyone's support and love.
Do what you can for

the world's weirdest hate. A bright pink hedgehog with a 1980s mullet.

He took one in the bollocks I saw a couple of days ago. It's the worst place if you're a hedgehog.

I wonder how old you be butt is. You think Ub But is 40? You think you be 40?

Very good.

You be 40.

Oh, no, that's going to happen.

Not anymore. I kind of think does not get cut.
Not get cut from this show.

Do get your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

And don't forget to also submit your satirical request for my Edinburgh show to satirise this at satiristforhire.com please because at the moment I'm getting about 50 pieces of horrific spam email a day and it'd be quite nice to have some human emails in in amongst them

andy what do you think of the knight foundation i think the knight foundation is awesome chris and all the support they've given to us and the rest of the radiotopia network

Sport now and as I said

here in London 2017 we've been reliving London 2012 with the World Athletics Championships in in the Olympic Stadium, as it was called then, and is still called by everyone who doesn't call it by its official name, which I can't entirely remember.

It's been a festival of sporting endeavour, wildly enthusiastic crowds, and the wrong people winning.

Wrong, as in not British, we've only had one British winner, Mo Farah, so far in the 10,000 meters.

Wrong because there haven't been a good story in the 200 meters last night, it was won by Guliev from Azerbaijani now representing Turkey, a 27-year-old

man

from Azerbaijan with no particular story to tell, rather than Wade van Niekirk, the new star of athletics performing

a historic 200-400 double or Isaac McQuiler off his sick bed winning or anything like that.

Wrong people winning and above all, the wrongest of the wrong winners, Justin Gatlin beating Usain Bolt in his final solo race.

Bolt coming in third in a time that about five years ago he could have done frankly crawling on his ass

relatively speaking and Gatlin has been booed roundly by the London crowd

he failed he served two bans for drug use dating back to the early days of his career and if there's one thing we in Britain can do it is hold a sporting grudge And we've not only held this sporting grudge, but we've held it after basically forgetting about it when we didn't boo him in 2012.

And it's almost like we doubled up, having forgotten to boo him in 2012. We've booed him a lot this time.
And he won the 100 meters to, and I was there when it happened.

And there was a kind of, oh, God, feeling for about three seconds, and everyone started chanting Bolt's name. Has this had much coverage in the States?

Because the States have done very well in these championships, but Track and Fielder seems to have slipped down the sporting ladder there.

Well, I think something about Track and Field being about who runs the fastest for various distances, who jumps over things. I mean, some of us would find that kind of simple and perhaps even basic.

I mean, that's what I like about it.

I love the simplicity of it. Run as fast as you can or throw this unnecessary object.

The shot put.

You can imagine, like, you can imagine being good at, like, oh, I could hit that ball at least once, or I'm sure I could catch that, or shoot that into a thing.

Running is very much like, oh, I can't do that. I can absolutely not do that.

We now give you a quick bugle rundown of implausible excuses for failing drugs tests.

The Thai Romanian wrestling star, that had gone really askew, tested positive for the banned steroids I'm acting like an animal, and now here's my scandal, drugs which, of course, can lead to an increase in both sexual allergies and homesickness.

Rilliescu, he claimed that he'd fallen overboard during a pedalo boat ride on a local lake and swallowed a mouthful of contaminated tadpoles. Tadpoles, of course, long suspected of illegal drug use.

The way their bodies so obviously changed, that has to be suspicious.

In horse racing, Elgar Luch, who of course rode three consecutive winners of the King Rollo and Queen Latifah Memorial Stakes at the Wessexhire Horsodrome in the late 1990s, he tested positive for the agricultural growth hormone Vegetoblastolodone after starring in a pantomime production of Jack and the Beanstalk, ironically, as the very small back half of a pantomime horse,

and eating one of the magic beans.

on set, unaware that it was in fact a pantomime verite production, and that beanstalk really was growing that fast.

The now 12-foot 7-inch jockey was given a a suspended 12-month ban by the International Quadruped Racing Association and special dispensation to ride elephants instead of horses until he'd shrunk back to his normal size.

The Turkish shot putter Wapomaz Popayo Bazalamazoglu claimed his in-competition spinach cans had been spiked with a steroid.

I can't even read my own bullshit words now.

That's it. Remember what I said before this show started, Hari.
Oh, yeah, in my head, I was remembering the typing while he was talking. Wow.

He claimed his in-competition spinach cans had been spiked with the steroid I Don't Want to Die Alone, the side effects of which include a fear of growing old in solitude.

And Canadian sprinter Doug Schnautz tested positive of being a spider. His tests came back an unusual 50%

arachnid, which he put down to swallowing a cobweb after having a snack whilst cleaning out an abandoned kitchen cupboard in his late great-uncle Hank's house.

Hank himself, famously no stranger to sporting controversy, after being DQ'd from the 1952 Olympic 100m freestyle swimming after using a homemade jet ski before storming the podium shouting freestyle means fing freestyle top sporting family the schnauz is uh auntie mildred herself of course banned from competitive scrabble after being found to have a 12 volume dictionary hidden in her brazier and uh fight famous finally famously american javelin star Beshirt Claundry after failing a test for testosterone claimed he'd recently returned from being kidnapped by time-travelling aliens taken back in time to the year 2500 BC and being forced to eat a plate of Stegosaurus testicles as part of a religious ritual.

A creationist judge

rejected the World Anti-Doping Agency's contention that Stegosauruses had died out by

2500 BC, but Claundry was still banned after further tests revealed that his blood was that of a rhinoceros, something he claimed was the result of spending time on a crowded ark.

Amazing what people will do for glory.

Well, that concludes this week's bugle. Hari, it's been a delight to have you on the bugle once again, probably for the last time if the world blows itself up.
Well, I appreciate that, Andy.

I'm glad to be on the last-ever bugle.

It's been a bit of pleasure having me happy. And do let us know from Seattle if you get any early warnings.
Just

tell my family I love them.

Yeah, just in case the world doesn't end, Hari, are there any places people could see you?

Well, I mean, even if the world does end, you know, they could still maybe in the post-apocalyptic wasteland that emerges thereafter. I imagine you'll stick to your touring schedule.

Yeah, I'll still be doing stand-up until people realize that I would be a good food source.

I'm in San Diego, California at the American Comedy Company, August 18th through the 20th. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at the Helium Comedy Club, August 24th through 26th.

Baltimore, Maryland at Creative Alliance on August 27th. Portland, Maine at Aura on August 30th.
And in Burlington, Vermont, August 31 through September 2nd, at the Vermont Comedy Club.

There are gigs in Boston, Oakland, and Portland, Oregon. Also, later in the year, just go to my website, hurikundabalu.com or Google or wherever it is, and you'll see me.

I will be touring the country all fall. Great, and don't forget to come and bring all your friends and submit your email requests for my Edinburgh show, saturize this at saturatorfire.com.

Details once again on the internet. Until next time, Buglers, goodbye.