Bugle 4031 – Live Election Special

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Buglers and welcome to issue 4031 of The Bugle.

I am Andy Zoltzmann live in my shed where I rightfully belong.

This week's Bugle is the highlights of the live election special Bugle live show recorded live at Soho Theatre on Tuesday featuring me and Nish Kumar who was also live.

Tuesday was what now seems like an age ago.

In the days before Mr.

Trump, the former 48-year-old tycoon, now of course a 70-year-old living metaphor for the dangers of democracy and unfettered capitalism, announced that he was withdrawing America from the environment.

They were happier, simpler times, Tuesday, when we were all innocently looking forward to the world destroying itself a bit more slowly than it had been.

Trump, however, took out his metaphorical political wang and aggressively urinated into the eyes of the future.

Whether the Paris Accord will last without America, well that remains to be seen.

Perhaps a new climate discord can be reached and we can paper over the cracks as planned.

But certainly, this does seem like a good chance for any would-be superpowers to take advantage of America taking that unnecessary pitstop in the global race.

Trump's strategy seems to be to accelerate the end of the world, reasoning that, if things hot up, so to speak, America has a better chance of still being top nation when the world does end, thereby being declared the overall winner of the game.

I can't really see any other logic behind it, but it's a free world and he can do what he likes.

And, to be fair to El Presidente, he has just, as I speak, this just breaking on the wires right now, pledged $650 billion to a new scheme to breed more fossils.

Mr.

Trump said in an emotional press conference, we have to secure the energy for our future needs.

Fossils love becoming fuels, but the problem problem is they were mercilessly hunted to extinction by the evil cavemen, but I am Donald Trump.

I can do anything.

Touch me, I'm real.

I will make the horniest fossils in history.

They will breed like Catholic rabbits, and then they will lie down and become fuel.

So it's not all doom and inefficiently lit gloom.

And the good news is the bugle, of course, is non-environment dependent.

We'll still be cranking it out when the world is fully underwater and or on fire, as part of the radio pod stable, supported by the wonderful Knight Foundation.

Now, strap in and sit back.

Actually, sit back, then strap in.

That is generally more advisable.

I think actually you don't really need to do either strapping in or sitting back, depending on what you're doing, of course.

If you are flying a fighter jet whilst listening to this, then do both sit down and strap in.

Anyway, here is the Bugle Live election special, live from a few days ago.

And just a quick warning before the start of the live recording: there is a part of this show in which a working knowledge of a list of British Prime Ministers of the last 90 years might prove useful.

I'm not saying what exactly that will involve.

I am just saying that may happen.

Thank you, thank you.

Hello, viewers!

Is that how is that how you just be a bad banana, please, please?

Yes.

I see we're going to have a bit a few problems during the course of this show.

Uh is that how you respond whenever anyone says hello, by the way,

by shouting as loud as possible?

It could be awkward of the doctors.

Hello.

Yay!

You seem fine.

So welcome, welcome to the Bugle Live.

It's a great pleasure to be here.

This is the third Bugle Live ever.

We did two in Australia.

This is the first one.

The first one in any of the following.

In one, more or in fact all of the following.

The first Bugle Live ever in the Northern hemisphere.

In the yeah, why not?

Let's hear it for the world's greyest hemisphere.

Also,

it's not racist, it's

if anything, longitudinalist

hemispheristicalist.

Is that a word?

It is now first ever bugle live in the UK!

First ever bugle live in London!

In a month beginning with M.

In traction.

How?

In three dimensions.

It's always been two or four before, oddly.

And the first ever Bugle Live in the run-up to a completely unnecessary and politically cynical British general election.

I am, I am, this is being recorded to go out on the Bugle Feed this week.

I am Andy Zaltzmann or as I'm known on the Brazilian comedy circuit Laps Juninho

Thank you.

This is a Bugle Live election special from Soho Theatre in the democracy-infatuated city of London, drunk on the love of the vote right now.

The renowned Brito-English capital literally baiting its breath in anticipation of the big ex-in-a-box off on the 8th of June.

So let's find out from our crowd here.

Are you all excited about the election?

Right, here we go.

And

a political podcast.

This level of enthusiasm.

This is Chris, by the way.

I don't really know.

This is, well, the 30th of May.

We're recording on the 30th of May, a couple of anniversaries, 1431.

On this day, Joan of Arc might have slightly regretted not putting on her fact of 50,000.

She

copped a little bit of a burning.

And

1381, the beginning of the peasants' revolt in England.

Let's hear it for those 14th century serfs.

The causes of which were, amongst other things, unhappiness about taxation, tension with continental Europe, resentment at economic inequality and unfair exploitation of working conditions.

political cronyism.

It is good to see how far we have come in 636 years.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight!

Oh Lord, it take me home.

Now given we have a session, this is an election special, we have a special election section in the bin and it is a minor parties section, given that most votes in Britain under our first past the post system carry all the weights, importance and influence of a meringue during a major volcanic eruption.

In other words, they're nice to have.

They might make you feel temporarily better, but they're not really going to change things.

We look at the minor parties battling for the absolutely not key wasted vote votes, including the Women's Equality Party.

Who likes that as an idea?

Yeah!

Testify, sisters, women have had it far too good for, far too long.

Can't we drag them back down to our level of social incompetence?

There's the anti-green organisation Fossils for Freedom who

advocate burning as much fossil fuel as humanly possible.

Do not let those fossils have died in vain.

That is the message.

They're extinct now, the fossils, and we must honour their sacrifice by burning their legacy.

Sure, it might finish off the twitching corpse of the environment, but is that so bad?

I actually have, just here, this is in fact a bit of the environment.

Seems fine to me.

It's all over it.

We have the Stop the Boer War Coalition.

They've stood in every election since 1900.

Of course, history fans amongst you will know the Boer War actually ended in 1902.

So they're pretty much the spiritual forerunners of UKIP.

We have the Revolutionary Compromise Party, who believe fundamentally and immovably in centrist compromise solutions to please all sections of society as best as they possibly can, failing which, armed revolution.

The Make History History Party.

Sign me up for that as well.

History should be banned.

It just knocks people off, frankly.

Exhibit A, the Middle East.

Point proved.

Have you got any Middle East fans in?

Do you have you?

I know quite a lot about the Middle East because my Jewish heritage has a second generation laps.

Do you have any laps Jews in tonight?

Woo!

Testify!

Or don't testify, as the case may be.

How lapsed are you?

What a game show that would be!

Surely John Oliver's next gambit in Shelbies.

So popping shit.

Oh, you brought that along, did you?

But so I'm going to see it here as well, how history can kind of skews politics.

So people say, oh, look at Jeremy Corbyn.

All those things from history that show him in a bad light hanging around Westminster, just like Guy Fawkes used to.

He obviously can't trust him.

He wants to put on a firework display, wave glow sticks in the air and eat toffee apples by a bonfire, just like Guy Fawkes did string him up

the bring back hanging party

one way around the social care crisis I guess

the the bring back hanging around party

militantly pro-time wasting

the

British National Party still go still clinging on to the life of the strife support machine and the British notional party as well who exist as an idea but not in reality

very much muscling in on Liberal Democrat territory there.

Thank you.

Thank you, London.

And also, this is a genuine party.

The Monster Raving Looney Party is still going strong.

And yeah, who's going to vote who's going to vote Looney?

Okay, well

they've but it's amazing the number of their policies that have actually become adopted by mainstream parties, including reducing the voting age to 16,

jumble sales to pay for school equipment, which is now just a basic reality,

a one-in-one-out immigration policy, which was picked up by UKIP.

They've also suggested in the 1992 manifesto, the Lunar Monster Every Lunar Party suggested re-fighting the Crimean War.

A policy belatedly picked up on by Vladimir Putin,

a spiritual member,

if not an actual one.

Right.

Oh, it's time to properly introduce our guests.

Fortunately not, well, we've already met one.

Here, let's give him a proper introduction.

It is the prince of podcast producers, the emperor of editing, the king of cutting out the shit bits.

It's producer Chris.

Are you enjoying your reluctance, Chris?

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

I mean, every day we get to tune in and see how strong and stable our country is.

No way has that started to great.

And joining me once again to fearlessly hold up the Medusa of satire to the already concrete face of politics.

That is what we do.

It is the wonderful Nish Kumar.

Welcome.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Budlers.

Here we are.

Happy election, Nish.

Happy election to one and all.

I love the fact that we've all set up.

Chris observed when we were just looking at the Tech Duke that this looks like a sort of shit craft work tribute, but

cycling.

Top story: Elector Gedden comes again

Nish it is now as we record nine days Until we write our glorious freedom-loving ex it's the business end Andy it's the business end did you uh did you all watch the debates

audible Jesus

has audible disgust in the room oh I'm beginning to reconsider a substantial chunk of my material

who uh so give me a cheer if you uh if you did watch the so-called leaders and we should explain for well exactly oh well it wasn't a debate and someone in the audience just said let me explain for our listeners at home uh or watching in watching in black and white

snooker coverage

um

that this so-called leaders debate was held well we had one a couple of weeks ago that was held without the leaders of the two main parties

And then we had one with the leaders of the two main parties in which they did not debate each other.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Because A, they cannot bear to be in the same room,

and B, they are both extremely awkward in social situations,

which is maybe not ideal if one of them is definitely going to be Prime Minister.

And I buy one of them, I mean one of them.

So, who did give me a cheer if you did watch the leaders' debate?

Give me a cheer if you watched it on the big screen in Hyde Park with all the other democracy fans.

That is one of the most unnecessary big screens of all time.

It was just me on my own eating Hermes out of a tub.

Well, give me a cheer if you took the other option of watching it in a gingerly lit cellar, wondering what the f happened to the democracy we fought all those f ⁇ ing World Wars for.

It's crazy because

it was a quite a hollow experience.

I couldn't watch it yesterday because I was gigging.

So I sort of had the weird experience of watching it this morning.

Like, it's really weird to have taken some time out of your day to watch something that you really regret immediately.

Like, as soon as you start watching it, because they set it up so that for those of you who didn't watch it, they set it up so that Jeremy Corbyn came out first, he had to answer questions with the British public, and then Jeremy Paxman interviewed him, and by interviewed, I just mean shouted the same question over and over again, like your uncle who might be the victim of some dubious social care policies in the new government.

Then Theresa May came out and the exact same thing happened and it was sort of an oddly unsatisfying experience.

As debates go, it was the equivalent of a porn movie where instead of two people having sex, they just stand in separate rooms and masturbate consecutively.

How much research did you do for that, Joe?

Enough.

Enough.

My commitment to the bugle is absolute.

I did think of watching it but I thought

I would rather just gaze into a

chasm of meaningless fury, by which I mean read the below-the-line comments on the Daily Mail.

Which is basically like watching everything Charles Darwin thought being ripped up, burnt, and the whole of life evoluting backwards into some kind of turd in a volcano.

That was a review for one of your Edinburgh shows, wasn't it?

I'm so pleased you gave up reviewing and I'll see you started doing it again.

So, Corbyn,

who's a Corbyn fan here?

A few few of you.

Let's have...

Have we got a...

Oh, no, there you go.

There's Corbyn.

Well, that is, for our listeners at home,

that is a picture of what the British media would view as Jeremy Corbyn and what historians would view as Lenin.

It's very hard to tell the difference if you work for certain newspapers.

And well, today he got in trouble.

I don't know if you saw this, Nish.

He was interviewed...

by Emma Barnett on BBC Radio and he had to check his he tried to check his iPad for answers to questions.

I didn't mind that too much.

You got it off.

That's what we're doing now.

Yeah, I mean, exactly.

It would be hypocritical as we stand on stage with laptops

reading stuff that we were still writing five minutes ago.

We've committed.

We've committed so hard, we are satirising the process of the election in the way that we're executing this bugle.

But how many times, if if Corbyn does become Prime Minister, and Claude,

that is a big old if,

that is the biggest, That is the biggest if since Rudyard Kipling started

projecting the titles of his poems onto the night skies above Gotham City.

You doing that joke, I feel like I'm standing next to Credence Clearwater Revival as they do Bad Moon Rising.

One from the archives.

How many situations will a Prime Minister ever be in where he has to know all the facts instantly without consulting either an iPad or a human being?

I mean, are there going to be times when Corbyn is sitting in number ten?

No, obviously not.

But were Corbyn

to be or anyone else be sitting in number ten and asked, right, Prime Minister, can you tell us, should we invade invade Islamitania?

And the Prime Minister's saying, could I just check this with my advi advisors and look up Islamitania on Wikipedia to see if it's economically worth it?

No, I'm afraid you're on your own.

No conferring.

You have three seconds starting now.

I feel feel, he did quite well to restrain himself from not saying, I feel like I can't remember everything.

I'm 82.

Roughly, give or take, who needs accurate figures?

It's an election camera.

It feels like the Conservatives are really leaning hard on Brexit now.

It feels like Strong and Stable is out of the window and it's all going to be about Brexit.

And Theresa May today invited everyone to imagine Jeremy Corbyn going into the negotiations.

But she invited them to imagine him in a really weird way.

She said, imagine him going in alone alone and naked in the negotiating chamber.

Yeah.

What whistle and deep.

I mean, I don't know why he's done this, but maybe it's some sort of power move from Jeremy Corbyn, and he's planning to go in completely naked and just walk right up to John Claude Juncker and go, Here's Jeremy and the Corbinistas.

What have we got?

I'm right with you on this.

This is a power move.

Absolutely.

In any negotiations, you should always do what your enemies lead you.

And these

hardened European deal makers, they're going to be used to dealing with people in business suits,

power dresses.

A bearded man on his own

with his junk out.

That is going to sow the seeds of doubts.

You will have their full undivided attention when Jerry Corbyn sits back in his chair, starts slowly uncrossing his legs

and prepares to give it the full basic instinct.

I think you'll find that the European Union says have whatever the f you want.

Just put some fing pants on.

And that's, Jeremy, that is a weird place to have a tattoo of Lady Gargo.

Sorry, I should call her by her real name, Margaret Thatcher.

Oh, boy!

Up top, Tolstone.

Yes!

Did anyone photograph that?

Theresa May, she has been as convincing in this campaign as a shark at a vegan disco.

Now, this is, we had a picture, Corbyn.

This is, no, I don't think female politicians should be judged on their looks.

So instead, I'm going to judge Theresa May on the contents of her soul, which I have illustrated on the screen here.

Just

an unending...

An unending field of grey.

Besides, I think personally, she has a good face for being Prime Minister.

And And I know you should not judge politicians on their looks.

But she has a face that looks like it has not slept for 35 years.

I want that Napoleon.

I want a politician who looks like they've been up all night thinking, holy shit, how are we going to deal with these f ⁇ ers?

Rather than David Cameron's lozenge-faced smoothness as if they're not a f ⁇ ing care in the world.

He walked out of number 10, absolutely untouched.

Every other politician I've seen, by the time they finish office, looks like a sort of haggard Benjamin Button husk of themselves.

Cameron walked out and he looked younger than when he went in.

That's because fundamentally, I think for Cameron's generation of Tories,

politics was essentially a work experience, Jolly.

Before they did what they really wanted.

Oh, God, I've had a lovely time in politics.

No, but what I really want to do is edit a fing newspaper.

Do you feel at all sorry for David Cameron in the aftermath of Brexit?

No!

I feel terribly sorry for him, poor little lad.

He's what, he was only, what, 49 years old when he was turfed out of Downing Street?

I thought,

He's like a croft dog, isn't he?

He's been purebred over generations and generations

to become this freakish genetic mutation suitable for one thing and one thing only, in his case high-level political office.

And now he's no longer needed.

He's going to be taken to a canal and drowned.

Oh shit, that's all.

Can I just say, also, the sympathy in the audience for that was clearly for the fictitious dog

and not David Cameron.

Also, he's like a dog at Cross that just walked out, did a shit in the middle of the course, and then just walked off whistling.

There will be question and answer phases of

this show as well.

Maybe we should, should we start?

Should we do some election?

Have you got any election questions you want to fire at this illustrious panel of political experts?

Has anyone got any questions on it?

Wait till Chris has got a microphone here.

I live in Maidenhead, so Theresa May is my MP.

Right.

So what's the point?

Don't boo him, it's not his fault.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, is it?

Did you vote for her?

What should I put on my ballot paper?

Uh well what should you put on your ballot paper?

Um f you!

Well I mean it is it's essentially I mean it I presume she has a pretty safe seat, Maidenhead, isn't it?

Yes I imagine it's it's not

you could just ask ask her out on a date, I guess.

Are you telling him to write his phone?

That is terrible of your phone number.

Are you telling him to write his phone number on the ballot paper?

I mean, good chance Theresa May reads it.

Well, I would suggest, and that's it.

I would show how much you love democracy by spoiling your ballot paper, because that's what I generally do at elections.

And I mean, I really spoil it.

Take it out for a nice candlelit dinner,

maybe

onto a jazz club and

a little massage

and then fold it into an origami Mrs.

Pankhurst and float it down the Thames.

Make it feel really special.

I'll come back for more

cues and ais later.

The audience yesterday were the real.

Well,

they were sort of winners and losers of the debate.

People were trying to differentiate who had won and who had lost.

It seems like a bit of a dead heat between Corbett and May.

They both sort of did fine.

The losers, generally, it seems to be our all of us, democracy, and the concept of hope.

There was, however, a clear winner.

and that clear winner was a man who was caught on camera.

Did you see this?

Who was caught on camera while Theresa May was talking about her pledges for the NHS, mouthing the words, that's Bollocks,

who has now become a folk hero on the internet, unfortunately named Bollocks Man.

Now,

was this when Theresa May was talking about the NHS in the context of testicular cancer?

No, that would have been strangely more relevant.

He's just so furious.

And the Metro newspaper has said today, people are calling him a hero.

Like, that's a surprise.

This guy is the embodiment of everything that we hold dear as British people.

Because he was swearing, but he didn't say it out loud.

That's the crucial thing.

He mouthed the words.

This guy was obscene and passive-aggressive.

I say, on the 8th of June this year, vote bullets, man!

God save the Queen.

It's what she would have done under those circumstances.

Well, she would have mouthed bollocks.

She would have mouthed.

This is utter bollocks.

What, what?

That was a great impression.

Don't look at me like I've just committed treason.

Now, like I said, it's not just Labour and

the Conservatives in the running UKIP

is a picture of

their leader, Paul Nuttall.

For our listeners, that is just a big pile of various nuts.

He does lay his cards very much, not so much on the table as on his passport.

He's done the intellectual equivalent of coming to this election alone and naked.

There's another UKIP running as well, the UK Interdependence Party,

which believes that we are all reliant on each other in this complicated interlinked world.

But they probably won't do as well, because people like voting for it turns out.

I think it was Aristotle who originally said that, wasn't it?

The Greeks were the first people to reach that conclusion.

Yeah, so UKIP this week, Paul Knuckle has had, I was about to say not had a great week.

He's continued to have the same week that he's been having ever since he took over.

It's just one long groundhog day of uppery for Paul Knuckle.

And at this point, he's at that bit of the film where Bill Murray just looks at things and thinks, well, I'm going to throw myself off that clock tower.

So, this week, he has said not only that he would be prepared to personally execute people on death row, but he has also said that part of the reason that UKIP wants to back.

That's not even that's only part one.

That's not us.

First, did he go into detail as to how he would do this?

Is this I mean, is he just impersonally flicking a switch or

is he going medieval style with a full axe?

Well, think about it, Andy.

Think about what we know about the UK Dependence Party and think, are they going to go modern or medieval style?

Right, so he's got four horses pulling across his under.

It's going to be like the end of Braveheart all up in here.

And he's also said, but that was the undercard!

That was the support act to the headline of his show of crazy.

He said that part of the reason that UKIP want to ban the burqa is it restricts vitamin D.

Thus showing a complete lack of understanding of science, religion, and the ancient Japanese art of not talking f ⁇ ing bullshit.

Unbelievable.

He says that it restricts vitamin.

Like, what?

The argument is that in Saudi Arabia, it's much sunnier, so they get all they need through their eyes there.

I mean, is he going to ban Snooker on the same ground?

Sukh, the 1985 embassy final between Steve Davis and Dennis Taylor really restricted your bit of a deal.

Obviously, Brexit is the

defining feature of

this election.

Let's take a quick straw poll of the

people in this room.

Now, give me a cheer if you were in favour of Remain.

Woo!

And give me a cheer.

Give me a cheer if you're in favour of leave.

Well, it appears this room

is not entirely 100% representative of the United Kingdom was up.

Who would have thought it?

They've willingly parted with money to watch a Jew and whatever the fk I am rag on Teresa May

in a this is that leave country

in

in London's trendy Soho district,

in an artsy fringe theatre.

People who listen to podcasts.

I don't know how many concentric bubbles we can be in at once.

But reality right now feels uncomfortably not way away.

Anyway, we're in one of the gayest parts of London, watching a Jew and a man whose own mother described him as looking a bit iSisy last week.

week.

You've got to stop her, stop letting her write your dating.

Hey, people are swiping right.

What could I say?

I'm huge on Libyan Tinder.

Libyan Tinder incidentally played for the Boston Barclays

in the 1920s.

But anyway, that's what they paid the money for.

While we're on the uh on the Brexit vibe, um I read an a lot of statistic while I was talking just generally reading about UKIP this week.

Do you

um

do you know that only 98% of UKIP voters voted leave?

Who are the 2%?

percent?

If you aren't voting for you, Kid, and you aren't voting leave, are you just a massive fan of the colour purple?

Right, that would be ironic from a literary point of view, wouldn't it?

That is a niche jump.

Niche jump.

And let me tell you, Niche loved it.

Oh boy.

Oh yeah!

Not it!

Boom!

Boom!

Thank you.

Right, are there any other election issues that you wanted to...

I mean, obviously the social care issue's been

labelled the dementia tax.

Dementia tax, of course, a superb linebacker back in the day before

the

Sacramento mementos, ironically.

To the lady who has never heard this podcast before, all I can say is I'm so sorry.

There was an amazing bit in the debate yesterday where Theresa May said, obviously, people are living longer, and then left a pause and then suddenly remembered where she was and running.

Oh, that's a good thing.

But there was definitely a long enough pause where you thought for a second she was going to go, well, obviously people are living longer, which is not fing ideal.

We really thought by slashing all of our public services, we might have wiped a few of you poor.

who's uh who plays computer games here?

Um some very bad news.

Red Dead Redemption 2.

Sorry, it's quite hard to talk about.

It's been delayed until spring 2018.

Also delayed.

Also delayed Red Ed Redemption 2, in which former Labour leader Ed Miliband

the man who put the sh

into leadership,

receives an 11th hour summons to lead the party into another election, and Red Head Redemption to a computer game based on the successful recall of gingerhead England grickida Johnny Burstow.

I mean, this is the last thing the world needs, Nish.

The delay of Red Mad.

I mean, a couple of, just quickly, I did really enjoy you saying Red Dead Redemption because it was like watching a dog explain tax.

The lack of familiarity with the concept was incredible.

But I have a question.

Do we know why the delays?

Because there was a version of Football Manager which is a hit video game where you basically pretend to be it's basically the laziest thing you can do with your time.

Because if you play like a football computer game you're at least sort of simulating the like you know the sense of people exercising.

Whereas if you play Football Manager you are doing the admin for imaginary footballers.

That is sort of the laziest thing you can do.

But that has had a Brexit filter added to it.

There's a new coding in the new version of the game where Brexit happens and it takes a couple of different variations.

So what I'm saying is, is Red Dead Redemption, which I understand is a Western, right?

It's set in a sort of post-apocalyptic zombie-infested America.

Well, is that now accounting for Trump?

Well, you say that.

It is, quotes, and this is from the designers of the game itself, I believe, an outlaw epic set across the vast and unforgiving American heartland, heartland, which is basically what US Election 2015 is.

I think it's glamorising the law breakers of the 19th century, this kind of game.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of it.

Never the ordinary law-abiding citizens of a mid-19th century America who just got their heads down and died of cholera.

But there are some other big games being released in 2017 for computer games fans out there.

Here we go.

Strap in, everyone.

Particularly, some big budget releases from Placifistica, the world's leading manufacturer of peace-themed simulators.

They, of course, as reported in Bugle 4024, released Utrecht,

the Treaty of Utrecht-based simulator.

They've come up, new games include Versailles Second Try.

It's 1919.

Europe smolders in the aftermath of humanity's most brutal war.

Can you steer the negotiations?

towards a more long-term settlement that does not sow the seeds for the economic collapse of Germany and the rise of Nazism.

We have uh UN Peacemaker 2017 rapprochement

release in the UM and uh Molly Fi, siren of the calm.

Uh she's a great female role model.

Uh great.

Molly Fy.

Uh you control Molly, she calmly defuses political tinderboxes with her air of even-handed authority and a clipboard.

Um modelled on the former New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark.

Um this is a this is a game you'll like.

Tranquillium Velvet Fist, The big budget sequel to the 2014 hit Tranquillium Entente Fragile.

Jeff would disarm rival militias in a dystopian future apocryphal post-urban grungecape

by doing things like providing positive social role models and putting up table tennis tables.

Treaty drafter nine clause slasher.

Which you have to boil a treaty down to its first percentage over.

Oh, and that's the last one.

Sorry, there I'm not going to answer for it.

It was worth a journey.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Right.

There are a couple of emails that came in as well for our listeners at home.

This came in from Peter Fitzpatrick.

I have a cricket question for Andy, because I'm pretty sure he'd know.

Hey, bear the truth.

It's a curse as much as a gift.

He asks, if you hit the ball hard enough that it disintegrates, does that count as a run scoring hit?

If so, how many runs do you get for annihilating the ball?

Also, if you hit the ball so hard that it smashes straight through a fielder's fingers and buries itself in his or her chest,

is that counted as a catch?

Definitely!

Yes!

That's definitely!

That's that's absolutely fine, right?

No, that is definitely because it used to be that if it hit the fielder's helmet,

that was not out, but I think they've changed that now.

Right.

But if it it just lodges direct in the chest anyway I think that was always a catch in fact uh well the entire history of Britain was pretty much altered by an exception in in I believe 1751 Frederick the Prince of Wales was hit by a cricket ball in his ribs yeah and as a result that injury died as a result of which George III became became king instead of him an asset of the royal family on an entirely different course

that is I mean can you hear feel the something that is a genuine fact no that I'll tell you what he's streaming out yeah

I'll tell you what you could feel in here.

This, that is 151 people, including me, going, is that bullshit?

Not bullshit.

It's just.

It's normally bullshit.

I'm prepared to bullshit about most things, but not something as serious and important as cricket.

Oh, I forgot, yeah.

I have my problem.

I forgot we were on sacred ground.

What about the ball disintegrating?

The ball disintegrating?

A million runs.

Well, no, because you still want to run them, haven't you?

But does that mean you could just run ad infinite while the rest of the fielders have to stitch the ball back together?

Yes, it does mean that.

Yes.

It's just a no-ball.

Is it a no-ball?

Yeah, but there's no ball.

Have we got Patricia out there in the audience with a microphone?

Have you got any questions?

Hands up if you have a question.

What would Florence Nightingale do?

What would Florence Nightingale do?

What just...

Oh, yeah.

Does that happen anytime Florence Nightingale is mentioned anywhere?

Was it just a...

Yeah, if there's a bugler present, it's really ruined some talks at the Victorian Albert Museum.

Miss Nightingale, oh, yeah!

Just

If I was wearing a, I mean she'd probably do some nursing, I guess.

She was all about that.

She was all about that.

Do you mean what would she do now in the sort of current political climate?

She'd probably go private, I think, wouldn't she?

She'd go private.

Nothing is a more evocative idea of where the Conservatives have dragged this country to than the idea of Florence Nightingale at a food bank and Theresa May going, work harder.

Well, I think we should probably move on.

There's just one more election, one more election thing.

Because I was reading about the strain Theresa May appears to be showing.

And it's interesting how the strain always gets to Prime Ministers, all of them.

In fact, I'd say every British Prime Minister since the 1920s.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

There's cracked under.

Do you see what we have to go through?

Cracked under the pressure.

Office has gone a bit off me.

Even the current one, first signs of stress on our current Prime Minister.

As early as Christmas, I'd say, when she went on a riding holiday, people started thinking she was losing it when she got things mixed up and started covering her horse with tinsel and fairy lights and tried to feed her Christmas tourism hay.

But

her predecessor...

Strike one!

Strike one!

I wouldn't start your running

unless you're good at counting.

It's interesting, her predecessor as well.

He fell victim to the strains of office.

In fact, the German leader predicted his downfall.

When he resigned after Brexit, Mrs.

Merkel was heard saying, Anyul es Davod come around.

Of course,

that is painful!

His predecessor in Danish, his favourite sandwich, he went a bit odd when it came to food.

He started eating these bitter-tasting fleshy vegetable sandwiches.

He was very healthy health-conscious, so he never ate white bread.

Hated the fancy modern breads too, so he always ordered Gordon Brown.

You know it's coming, it doesn't make it any easier to process.

Before him, there was there was a guy who started off fairly normal but lost it over the years, banned anyone in cabinet from wearing shorts or skirts because he was became allergic to gradually looking up someone's leg.

He used to vomit whenever he found his gaze travelling upwards from the foot towards the thigh.

It really went toe, knee, blah.

His predecessor of course.

I am embarrassed to say I enjoyed that one.

It doesn't feel very embarrassed, but I did enjoy that one.

I did say every British Prime Minister for the last 90 years.

So

case yourself, Miss.

His predecessor, of course, liked to make most of his policies while alone, but it's so hard to get quality me time as Prime Minister.

I heard him in an interview saying he needed to, well, make his excuses and nip off to the toilet, get some peace and quiet.

He said, and I quotes, I took most of my biggest decisions on the John, made you think more clearly.

His predecessors.

There's been so many prime ministers.

Bear in mind, we have not left the 1990s.

His predecessor, well, she was after if there was anything she wished he'd done differently, and she said she'd like to have nicked one of the spare thrones from Buckingham Palace.

My regret that chair, she said.

No regret, that's good.

All right, let's not get too dumb.

At least we've wiped out 11 years with that one.

We've jumped straight from that.

The one good thing about Thatcher's entire time as Prime Minister is that she has taken 11 years out of this pun run.

The guy before her, he used to drink a lot of gin and tonics of course, but he reckoned he could cure any hangover with some high-quality cure to American pid leg.

He called it his Jin Killerham.

Jim Killerham.

Before him.

You can check the list on Wikipedia.

Before him

was another Labour Prime Minister who used to calm himself down by singing this morbid titty his mum used to sing about what she wanted to happen to her estate after she died.

He used to bang out in cabinet meetings her old Wilson.

Right.

Now I want to put a stipulation in here because I know he was Prime Minister twice.

Surely there is not a second bout of Harold Wilson.

Brother Tory he replaced.

Oh, good.

He distracted himself by eating way too much confectionery.

He ate so many sweets you have to have dentures made out of oak.

Yeah, he had wood teeth.

He had wood teeth.

The guy he replaced, of course, very parsimonious with sporting equipment.

He still used his granny's tennis racket.

It was useless, but he loved his nan, so he insisted on using her old Wilson.

That is not acceptable.

His predecessor, in turn, was heard went so mad that he was heard arguing with himself about what roast bird he'd rather had for his Sunday lunch.

He would ask himself, which do you prefer, chicken or duck?

And he would reply, I like duck less.

You?

Mmm.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, come on, for technical merits, sure.

If but if not achievement.

Alec Douglas Hume is a hard man to make a pun about.

When he started this, I did think he's going to hit Douglas Hume, and that is going to be his iceberg to his punning Titanic.

Yep, but let's not forget the Titanic took quite a long time to sink.

The one before

will go on.

The one before Douglas Hume, of course, he sold all of his wife coats, wife's coats that make a bit of cheeky cash on the side.

He got loads for them, sold a duffel coat for 200 grand, an overcoat for 300,000, but the waterproof ones were the really ones that really flew for money.

He flogged her Kaguel for 800,000.

And as for her old Mac, Million.

His guy before him, he had this bizarre utopian dream of people walking around with dead straight legs.

Very formal man.

In fact, he wanted to ban all leg joints.

He was obsessed with creating this anti-knee Eden.

This anti-knee.

Oh!

Anti-meaten.

That is structurally so similar to the Tony Blair one.

But the guy before him, famous Prime Minister,

he used to go and pray in a really ancient Saxon chapel made only of rough blocks of granite.

Even when he was really poorly and the doctors had told him to stay in bed, recover and keep warm.

Yeah.

He went to Stone Churchill.

He went to Stone Churchill.

Even they didn't enjoy that one.

Okay.

Right.

I mean, do we have to leave?

I mean, I go right back to the 1920s.

I mean, I could save them for the next one.

I could pick it up.

That's a treat.

This isn't an HBO box set

that die.

I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

Who wants me to- let's do this by vote?

No!

That is one thing we must not do!

British public, you know that they cannot be trusted.

Who wants it to carry on?

Who wants it to stop?

Democratic mandate!

Even on the first Boston post I've won that.

Right.

So, the next guy, he wanted to

relax.

I hope you understand what the consequences are.

I am Tim Farrend, to be his pardon.

The last one is worth waiting for.

Before,

work it out for yourself, it's in the 1920s.

So the guy before Churchill, he used to, he went so mad, he used to go out and pick crustaceans on the rocks by the sea, but his advisors wouldn't let him.

I want to look for muscles, he said.

No, sir, we've got an NHS to establish.

Well, I want to search for scallops then.

Prime Minister, we've got a nation to heal after six years of war.

Oh, come on.

Let me go on a clam hunt at least.

Clam hunt at least.

Clam hunt at least.

Clam hunt at least.

Yes, respected.

One of the greatest men to hold the office of Prime Minister.

Well, I still can't believe the previous guy went to Stone Churchill.

Even you can be my.

Not too churchful ones.

Just when I thought we'd never find the outer limits of your enjoyment of parts.

Anyway, of course, his predecessor got Salam for coming back from Munich with his so-called piece of paper.

London was embarrassed about it, but not the German capital.

They have Nafal, Shane, Berlin.

Naffal Shane Berlin.

Nafal Shane Berlin.

Very cool.

Does that work?

This is the opposite of peace at our time.

His predecessor, of course, had a sibling, born on the same day.

He suffered terribly from hair loss though.

He had this strange behavioural tick where whenever he got up from a seated position he couldn't help himself jumping as high as he could.

Yeah, it was his stand leap ball twin.

And the guy before him...

Three more to go.

Three more to go.

Three more to go.

Go Poem got involved in a Parliament.

He went so much.

He got involved in an argument in Parliament.

When the opposition asked him...

What he thought of fast food changes.

He said, I hate them.

I'd like to drive my car into them.

And the leader of the opposition made it multiple choice.

And this is straight from Hansard.

He said, Would you smash your car into A, Burger King, B, Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Oh, and the Prime Minister interrupted, I can answer this already.

I would ram C, McDonald's.

Two to go.

You people are enablers.

Not that far back.

F you, not Disraeli.

Look, Look, just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean

the guy before him, of course, Nish,

he went mad, he used to have this recurring dream in which he always woke up just as he was about to pot the decisive final black in the World Snooker Championships.

I can't believe it, he says he woke up sweating, just needed one more ball to win again.

But and the previous guy, of course, like many prime ministers, was distracted from far more important legislation by his personal hobby horse.

He became obsessed with passing a new law forbidding anyone from having a visible erection in public.

He really wanted to pass his new boner law.

It definitely gained some momentum.

That pun run is the most potent argument I've ever come across for no Prime Minister being able to run again.

That is it, Buglers.

It has been an absolute delight doing the first ever live bugle here in London.

Face to face with the buglers.

Please show our appreciation.

What's Chris the producer?

F you, Chris.

F you, Chris.

F you, Chris.

F you.

F ⁇ you!

It wasn't, to be honest, it has started the film more like some kind of rally where I'm gonna say if you reach under your chairs, you'll all find a tablet.

Right, and

give it up for the wonderful Ms.

Kumar!

And

this show will go out late this week, and we'll be back next week with a post-election debris.

Thank you for listening at home.

Thank you for coming here in London.

Good night.

Ladies of Donald Andy Smokeman!

Hi, buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.