Bugle 4018 – Fashion & Fascism

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers!

And welcome to issue 4018 of the Bugle official podcast of record for the human race.

Still the world's leading species in terms of achievement levels, if not necessarily standards of behavior anymore.

I'm Andy Zoltzmann, live in London and joining me once again, the globe trotting force that is Nish Kumar.

Hello, Nish.

Nice to see you, Andy.

I'm back.

Back in the United Kingdom.

You say that every time you're on this show.

Your passport has taken an absolute hammering right now.

Not just my passport, but my chances of ever actually being able to go to America

have absolutely taken a pasting on a level of George Foreman in the Rumble of the Jungle.

It is a real.

Yeah,

I've been in the Philippines for a bit, and then I was in China with the kung fu monks at the Shaolin Temple.

It was pretty great.

Here's what I've learned, Andy.

You don't mess with a monk.

You don't mess with a monk.

You don't f around with a friar in China.

Those dudes are serious.

Absolutely serious.

Did you learn some sweet kung fu moves?

I participated in the stretching.

Right.

At which point, I believe the technical phrase is retired hurt.

The warm-up was so intensive that I had to be excused and I ended up taking an hour-long meditation class, which it turns out equally bad at.

Right.

Like I was as bad at the physical as I was at the mental side of things.

It's really hard to meditate.

Right.

It's really hard because as soon as you sit there, you're like, am I meditating yet?

Is this meditating?

Am I meditating?

Am I meditating?

At which point, you have failed at meditation.

I've never consciously tried to meditate, but I mean, is it not just basically the same as watching a county championship cricket match?

Andy, the Buddha found enlightenment by sitting under the banyan tree and contemplating the nature of human existence.

You found enlightenment at Glamorgan versus Sussex.

There are many paths to the same destiny.

The tow, according to Saltzman.

This is the bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 27th of February.

On this day in the year 425, the University of Constantinople was founded by Emperor Theodosius II, bloody elitists, at the urging of his wife, Elia Eudosia, bloody feminists.

Let the Constantinople live their own lives, Theodosius.

You jumped up halfway to Micro Caesar.

Don't impose your intellectual snobbery on them just because your missus has got you under the thumb.

Sorry, I know we shouldn't impose our modern advanced values on the attitudes of the past.

It was a different world then.

Also, we're recording, in fact, on Thursday, the 23rd of February,

on this day in 1903, Cuba leased Guantanamo Bay to the USA in perpetuity for use as a coaling and naval station.

I mean, it's slightly diverged from that original.

look Andy it's a buy-to-let market well we're not really talking about the Philippines how was uh how was I mean did you

like go on some gangland slangs with the president or yeah yeah I went on a couple of gangland slangs

oh you know when you're in the Philippines you want to take in the spectacular surroundings the delicious food and participate in the summary execution of a couple of drug lords that's in the Lonely Planet Guide

what am I supposed to do what would you have done in the Philippines Andy not assassinated a known drug dealer?

And when I say known, I mean an entirely unknown, but it doesn't really matter because he's the president anyway, so who's going to stop him?

Well, exactly, when in Rome.

I eat pizzas in Rome.

You slay drug lords in the Philippines.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bing.

This week, a tech business section, including the latest company valuations.

We look at Fridge Tech, the startup app developer, which creates an app that helps people find jars or sources and other condiments in their fridge.

Some of their apps include Resourceful, Heyo, Where's My Mayo, and Ketchup Catcher.

Fridge Tech, the Bay Area sophomore, made a loss of $950 million in its debut year, meaning that it is now valued on the markets at $560 billion.

That looks like a sound investment there for any buglers who like to back a Shorefire winner.

And we look at Vendetta Corp as well.

Their spook MyNan technology can take control control of someone else's smart-enabled home and basically act like an online poltergeist.

Originally, of course, designed for people who wanted to put the willies up elderly relatives to convince them it was time to move into a home so they could sell their house.

Now rolled out to cover other social groups and building types, including ex-partners and business associates, as well as schools and hospitals.

Vendetta Corp's turnover last year was in excess of $2.5,000, giving it a current market capitalization of $1.2 trillion.

And

also, we look at

in other tech news, Elon Musk rival Pilau Snork's latest,

trying to compete with a driverless car.

He's about to roll out, quite literally, the riderless motorbike.

That could be a very exciting development in travel.

And also, special jobs in the tech business section, including,

well, a job that's just recently come up, a new tech editor for Breitbart's vacancy just came up this week.

Qualifications, according to the advert that I may have made up.

Could you look a starving child from a famine zone in the face, eat two half-pound cheeseburgers and a kilogram tub of ice cream, whilst eyeballing that child with the cold, dead indifference of a true believer, and then say to it, you mate, are a hungry little.

Then you could be just the kind of person

Breitbert are looking for.

Salary enough to be worth flaunting, plus bonuses, including the adoration of thousands and the visceral loathing of millions.

So do apply if you think you fit that bill.

That section in the bin.

Top story this week.

I hate you so much right now.

Ah!

Oh, thanks.

That was a fun way to get that out of your system.

You'd have to look me right in the eye when you're standing up, by the way.

It looks like a hate crime.

You've never missed the Skype connection with John Oliver more than that moment, have you?

Andy, Amnesty International has released a report.

Now, when Amnesty International releases a report, it is almost never a good thing.

An organization that exists solely to monitor human rights and their abuses across the world, whenever they come out with anything, it's normally not pleasant.

So, they've released a report this week.

So, is it in a multiple choice answer?

Okay.

Is the report this week about ketchup-bursted mustard?

Oh, right.

Is it if Sticky Fingers is the Rolling Stones' best album?

Is it whether La La Land is a good film or not?

Or is it Everything is Terrible?

I'll give you a second to think about that.

Right.

Well, possibly, I'd go.

I mean, they've probably got to have an opinion on B.

I mean, Sticky Fingers got a strong claim.

Andy, I mean, you're looking at something pre-75, certainly.

Anyway, look.

You should not have taken this long, Andy.

The answers to all of those questions are clearly ketchup, yes, sort of, and oh my god, everything is awful.

Yeah, Amnesty International have published a report this week criticizing.

When are they going to do a report about all the people who are rightly in jail?

That's what I'm going to know.

When are Amnesty International going to congratulate us for finally bringing Bernie Madoff to justice?

Where is that report, Amnesty?

When I got a speeding ticket for going 45 miles an hour and a 40 limit at 2am on the M4 coming back into London after late-night gig, where was Amnesty International's letter saying, you deserve that, mate?

You fing deserve it.

Respect the law.

Yeah, I know.

Your human rights have been flagrantly abused.

They're too busy with all this political prisoners bullshit.

But where is there protection for British stand-up comedians who frequently have to take late-night drives?

I know, shocking.

It's absolutely shocking.

Well, anyway, the report has said that politicians who are wielding a toxic, dehumanizing us versus them rhetoric are creating a more divided and dangerous world.

Yep, but they're also getting a lot of W's in the results column as well.

Isn't democracy fun at the moment?

It's hard to say whether this is a criticism or not, because in us versus them,

I mean, them has definitely scored a severe victory in the last 12 months, where us is sane people and them is the craziest.

Yeah, I think, I mean, us definitely, I mean, they're tactically far too attacking, you know, going with the old 235 formation.

I really didn't sure things have at the back.

Amnesty International, or as they are known by some on the right-hand edges of the political session, Snowflakes for Stalin International.

Come on.

These losers ended up in jail.

They lost.

Get over Amnesty.

They also claim that 36 countries broke international law and forced refugees back into conflict zones or places where their rights were at risk.

That's quite a lot of countries to be

kind of batting, playing the feather of backhand on refugees.

Yeah, that's right.

And Britain is one of those countries.

Right.

One of the 36 who put the c into country, according to the official words of the report.

I think they might not have used those precise words.

I think Amnesty International would get a lot more kudos and have a sort of wider proliferation if every so often they just went, you know what?

These people are being total.

Total.

And instead of the sort of the barbed wire around the candle logo, if it was just a man just flicking his middle finger at a picture of Donald Trump.

Well,

that could be the future.

Everyone needs a rebranding every now and again, don't they?

Yeah, that's right.

And the artists formerly known as Amnesty International,

who are currently known as go f ⁇ yourself sk ⁇ s,

would get a lot more.

So they've criticised a bunch of world leaders.

The four that they've singled out are Trump, Orban, Erdogan, and Duterte.

Can you single out four things, Nish?

Oh, yeah, that's four.

Is that not

quadrupling out?

The four leaders that they've quadded out.

The four leaders that they've quadded out.

And when you read them as a four, you do start to think, well, I mean, they've remade the Fantastic Four a couple of times.

Maybe it's time for another reboot.

Only this time, instead of superheroes trying to save the world, it's four lunatics trying to build gold statues of themselves.

Yeah, well, Nish, there's some pretty appalling, appalling characters in that list.

I mean, if you can tell me a worse leader in the world right now than the Turkish guy, I'd be surprised.

I certainly haven't heard of one.

Oh, God.

He's a recipe for disaster.

I would like to put a message out to Amnesty International now to free me from having to listen to this.

Thank them for only putting four on the the list, frankly.

And as for that clown in the Philippines, I mean he's obsessed by his manhood and his inflated sense of self.

And he's corrupt, so in summary, driven by his rod or ego, too dirty.

You know what?

I support that one.

Come on, Chris, that to the motto.

I'd also, I'd hold a competition to see who loves the Hungarian leader

the best, just to kind of flush it out and then stop the winner from competing again, either temporarily or permanently.

So I'm talking about a suspension for the victor or ban him or ban him completely.

That joke is a violation of my human rights.

Well, that makes it a meta joke in the context of an amnesty, please.

Right.

Leslie, I think I've done enough

Trump puns over the last

cryptic crossware that we're still recovering from.

Sorry, let's go back to the show, Nish.

I say we're still recovering from, Andy.

I'm still very much in recovery from that one.

But it was a bit of a slapdown for the UN over Aleppo in particular, after the International Political Dating Agency sprang into action like a coiled yogurt, stood up for the afflicted, like a four-day-old portion of half-eaten battered haddock, and fought their corner like a Battenberg cake fights a grizzly bear.

It's a pretty depressing read, this report, Nish.

And they could do with the lightning.

lightning things up.

What's also worse is that they've sort of broken down all of the countries and kind of given a little explanation of their human rights violations by country.

It just is quite a relentless read.

You know, obviously, all the aforementioned countries are in there, the Philippines, the US, even the United Kingdom has made an appearance this time.

Normally, we just used to call our human rights abuses spreading the empire.

It's a bit of a shame to see.

Let it go, Nish.

You're doing all right, aren't you?

Let it go.

Never, Andy.

Never.

Cricket Cricket is not enough of a compensation.

I keep telling you this.

How can you say that?

And it's not really been hugely in the headlines of late, but luckily, Saudi Arabia,

the Roger Federer of appearing on lists of countries violating human rights.

Everybody's wanting to get on it, but just stay on it so quickly.

Stay on it.

Got to admire the consistency.

It's absolutely incredible.

And under Saudi Arabia's criticism, it says, critics, critics, human rights defenders, and minority rights activists have been detained and jailed on vaguely worded charges such as insulting the state.

And all I can say is, Andy, thank God we do not bugle from Saudi Arabia.

If the British government ever brings in that sort of regulations, you and I are going to be in jail faster than you could say, go f yourself, Theresa May.

Well, Britain did get a bit of a slapping as well.

The Brexit referendum was, quotes, a particular low point.

And the report pointed to a 57% spike in reported hate crime the week after

the votes.

That's as democracy, that's what we wanted as a nation.

People have spoken.

We wanted a spike in hate crime.

Britain was also criticised for introducing, quotes, one of the broadest regimes for mass surveillance of any country in the world.

Well, it's just the government keeping a friendly eye on us, isn't it?

Well, maybe they're just recording one long podcast.

Well this is possible

yeah I mean that's my life does feel like that quite often but you work for the government Chris yes oh right shit I should have asked that before

but I I think this is a good thing it's a two-way Bob said run surely I mean if we want to keep an eye on the government niche surely we have to accept that they might want to keep an eye on us Transparency.

That's what it's all about.

It's a two-way banana.

Also I mean if the government is currently spying on me in my house when I'm on my own I would like to apologize to whoever that spy was

because that spy has seen some truly reprehensible behaviour.

You should never have got that karaoke machine.

No, I shouldn't.

I certainly shouldn't have shoved it up my ass.

Family show, Nick.

I know you're relatively new to this.

Family show.

How am I going to get this on mainstream television if you keep coming up with shit like that?

I've just done a really good version of Islands in the Stream, Antique.

What do you want from me?

I have to celebrate somehow.

I'd sung both the parts as well.

It's interesting this toxic talk that is

discussed.

I mean, I guess, I mean, we see this all over the place

on the internet is, I mean, it has been one of the great growth industries in the world since the start of the internet.

Absolutely.

Toxic talk.

It's become not just widespread, but extremely lucrative, it would seem, as well.

I guess one of the positives of all this

topic talk is kind of kind of

the out-right and we'll touch on that this

because there have been certain developments

in the out-right of late.

Overpopulation, clearly one of the major problems in terms of the environment, migration, food supplies, water supplies.

And if you know leaders like Trump, Duterte,

all those cats are basically going out of their way to make more and more people think, I do not want to bring children into this planet.

But surely that has to be good long term in terms of reducing the number of little carbon footprints pitter-pattering all over the world.

Yeah, but I would say even if we follow that logic, these guys have over-corrected.

Because it's one thing to say maybe we shouldn't have more children born, but it's another to say maybe we should start executing some of the adults.

The best way to stop people procreating is to stop them from existing.

Right.

I mean, I'm having second thoughts myself.

My little bloaters are aged 10 and 8 now.

And when I took my daughter back to to the hospital she was born in, they said she was out of warranty.

But it's a bit of.

I mean, news is acting as an extra.

It'd be very interesting to see if birth rates do dip in the 2016, 2017 era.

Because it must be a bit of a bit of a passion killer.

Darling, should we try to make a little baby?

Sure, I'll just watch the news headlines and then we can pop up to bed and get down to business.

Okay, love, I'll put the telly on.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I'm not really in the mood anymore, darling.

Should we just stare glumly into the middle distance, wondering what has happened to the concept of dignity?

Yes, let's.

Are you suggesting the news is now acting as a sort of anti-Viagra?

Yes, I am.

I am suggesting that.

The news is a boner killer.

Yeah, I think, yeah, I mean, that doesn't mean that soon the Catholic Church are going to try and ban people from watching the news.

It's against God's will.

The problem with this is that the Amnesty International Report is obviously rigorously researched and well argued, but will it make a blind bit of difference to any of the people it's aimed at?

And the answer to that question is, oh, fing no!

Amnesty International to most of the political leaders in question and their supporters will always and only ever be the bad guys from 24.

I don't remember

who remembers 24.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I watched every single series of that.

Yeah, but in every series of 24.

Favourite documentary.

What access absolutely amazing access but in every series of 24 jack bowel would always constantly be trying to sort of you know rip some guy's nuts off to find out where a bomb was hidden we've all done it

how do you think andy got me to agree to do the bugles

but they would then um

you know and then there'd be a call from amnesty international and the the problem is that i think that that's how a lot of people on the extreme right of the political spectrum view them as sort of obstacles to progress i mean just reading Amnesty's comments about America, this is what they've written.

An election campaign marked by discriminatory, misogynist, and xenophobic rhetoric raised serious questions about the strength of future U.S.

commitments to human rights domestically and globally.

Now, if you put that to Donald Trump, presumably he would say, great,

I've absolutely nailed this.

Yeah, and probably sad in capital letters at the end of a talk.

Another report on Trump suggests he's absolutely hammering it out of the park with an average of four pieces of bullshit per day.

Which, I mean, that does seem like a low estimate to me.

But this is the report on the Washington Post's fact checker page, or as it is known in the White House, Lenin.com.

And

I mean, that seems a low estimate given that he said an average of more than four words per day.

You'd think there'd be more than four pieces of bullshit.

They've credited POTUS 45 with 163 misleadaments, factual twisty twisticles and outright porkies in just 34 days.

34 days um another counter report suggests that trump has told 120 of the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so you've just got to choose which of those you believe it doesn't surprise me that it's four statements because regardless of the word count that Donald Trump is putting out on a day-to-day basis, he very often only gets around to four subjects due to his truly unique approach to speaking.

Because he sort of repeats words over and over again and sort of goes back on himself.

When you look at it, he's often only talked about about three subjects in a 40-minute press conference.

Looks like a political Stuart Lee.

There has been some better news for opponents of hate speech, which

I really wish that didn't now have to be classified as a minority group.

People who aren't actively in favour of hate speech.

Milo Yiannopoulos

has

been the subject of controversy this week over some comments that were not found because the footage has been around for quite a while.

So I guess we have to say comments that were heard?

Yes, de-forgotten about.

D-forgotten about.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uneternal sunshine, essentially, that he made about

seemingly supportive of paedophiles.

And say what you will about Milo, but he loves an underdog.

He is a true contrarian.

But this appears to have been the straw that has broken the racist, sexist, and homophobic camel's back.

Because the

remarkably

tough camel.

Sturdy camel, Andy.

Sturdy camel.

But that has, because that's now resulted in a conservative group.

He was due to speak at the CPAC, which is the Conservative Political Action Group.

They dropped him after the remarks came to light, and Simon and Shuster have cancelled his lucrative book deal, and he has now voluntarily stepped down from his previous job as Breitbart's tech correspondent.

Breitbart, of course, the website set up by Donald Trump's advisor and Looking Unwell magazine's man of the year, Steve Cranner.

He looks so unwell.

Yeah.

Every time I see a picture of his face, I think, you know, dude, peel orange or something.

You've got to stop eating your own soul for breakfast.

His face looks like scurvy.

I didn't even know that was possible.

That was the B-side of smells like teen spirit.

I mean, it's interesting to see

the breadth of the reach of

the young out-right

recently also won an award for least diverse social group in the universe

after

even knocking out Pope's the traditional winner

and

the Archbishop of Canterbury

102,000 Twitter followers

Paul Joseph Watson

another

young man popular in outright circles, more than 500,000 and that is how you judge

people now purely by the number of their Twitter followers.

The Church of England's Twitter account, 67,000.

So even the Archbishop plus the Church of England is only a third of a man sitting in a flat in Battersea.

It's a mind-bending technology, the internet.

You know, it's beyond space age, but it has uncaked

an unending krakatoa of sub-medieval behaviour from all sides of the political swamp and all crannies of the religious cave.

It's

you basically, the way the internet works, and I've need to take a serious break from reading stuff,

I think, just at all.

Not just on the internet.

I'm worried about it.

The problem is, you get books out now from the library, and because we live in the age of the below-the-line comment, you get some ancient manuscripts out, and someone will have written, who's this finger

shit.

The f does Galileo know about planets, chicken fing prick.

Chris, they're really writing hard in the old swear log.

And also, some newspapers report these things.

So you get, depending on which side of the political spectrum the newspaper sites are coming from, you'll see some headlines saying A destroys B, and then you'll see from the other side, B destroys A.

And they both link to exactly the same clip of two people talking over each other to no discernible purpose.

This is the world we live in.

And I'm worried about you, Andy, because I've realised that in doing the bugle with sort of a weekly frequency again,

you are really staring into into the abyss every because for us, the rest of the guest host, it's kind of like a misery relay.

But unfortunately, in the misery relay, you are the baton.

Is that on my poster from the next show?

A baton in the misery relay.

Yeah,

absolutely you can.

And the thing is, there is so much of this misery around because the alt-right are everywhere.

And it's a term that was uh sort of semi-coined by a political philosopher called paul gottfried in 2008 but then was really seized upon by a dude called richard spencer uh who uh is the head of a nat the National Policy Institute, which is a extremely right-wing think tank in America.

So that sounds like quite a sensible thing to have a National Policy Institute, doesn't it?

Absolutely does, but it is also so does National Socialists.

Yes, I guess so.

It's part of

labels are tricky, aren't they?

The grand lineage of things that sound fine that absolutely aren't.

But he, Richard Spencer, is a white supremacist.

And I feel very comfortable in saying that because on his Wikipedia page, he is described as a white supremacist, and there is no citation needed next to it.

Bear in mind that for a time, my one said that I was a comedian and it had citation needed next to it.

Boom!

Blavo!

Take that, myself.

Of course, there are a number of new heroes of the Alt-Rights bustling to jump into the void left by Milo, at least for the time being.

From, we'll give you a quick guy to them, because I guess most buglers probably aren't natural subscribers to the Alt-Rights, although maybe in future generations, because Breitbart's got a kids' channel now.

Yeah, I mean, it's the bugle looking for a new permanent home.

And

Protest attack.

Let's just we've got a little clip actually from the kids are alt-rights on the

Breitbart channel.

Hello kids!

This week, did Muslims kill the dinosaurs?

How to shoot your way to good grades and shouting at girls, how to make them cry every day.

So really catching them young now.

And but anyway, the new heroes of the alt-right from Britain Finnegan Gringlebury 21 year old graduate of memory services college college of lesser education on the M4 west of London Gringlebury is the author of the right-leaning blog The Too Truthful Truth which exposes left-wing media bias in kids TV such as the episode of Postman Pat which if you play it backwards with the images flipped vertically he claims looks like footage of Joseph Stalin waving at a parade of Soviet tanks and the three consecutive episodes of the hit kid show in the night garden that did not mention Margaret Thatcher plus an entire day of programming on the Nickelodeon channel that managed to avoid showing a documentary proving that all climate is a hoax.

He has 8.9 million Twitter followers.

In America, Jonathan Jarvell Jr., former editor of the anti-sanity schlock vlog Slight Crazy Talkers, where he gained notoriety for his claim that if Barack Obama had been a turkey, he'd have eaten Father Christmas.

Now works for the far-right website, Come to Uncle Dictic, writes articles such as, If immigrants are as great as the snowflakes say they are, how come Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon?

As well as videos entitled, The Mainstream Media Won't Let the KKK do the Super Bowl halftime show because Jimmy Carter is a Muslim.

And

if I'm not allowed to scream, you're a fing bitch at a baby in a shopping mall just because it might be female, then gay people shouldn't be allowed to buy cars.

And also, Kay Lucian Flouch, a big star of the Breitbart Kids channel, four-year-old outright shot kid, makes YouTube videos in his parents' bathroom in which he makes a little squeaky duck say ducky-like bath time because only ducky allowed in bath and not Mexicans.

So

it's a strange put it's a strange social phenomenon and I guess you know within the multiple concentric bubbles I like to live in, I find it quite hard to understand this kind of the popularity of this kind of basically bile brewing acupuncturists into the eyeballs of social cohesion.

That's the way I see it.

Well it's been brewing for a long time because it's and by acupuncturists I don't mean that they're curing it.

do not put acupuncture needles into into an eyeball

it's really been brewing since 2008 and that when it when it all boils down to it all of this kind of bile, particularly the stuff that started in America can basically be rooted back to the fact that for a time there was a group of Americans who suddenly discovered they did not like being told what to do by a black guy.

That's the real roots of it.

Because the bugle did start in late 2007.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well and the ethos of it is it seems to be against sort of caving into political correctness, but it's all really a cover for just racism.

And ultimately, the alt-right are just Nazis, but they've just got a different name.

It's a bit like when...

They don't like being called Nazis, though.

They don't like being called Nazis.

They get very upset.

But it's exactly like when Opal Fruits changed their name to Starburst.

These are Starburst racists.

And that's now for American Buglers, Opal Fruits was a very popular suite in England that changed its name to Starburst.

I don't know whether you had that in America.

And also for American buglers, I am Nish Kumar, a comedian in Britain.

I've just realized I've done five bugles, and I imagine there's some Americans listening to this thinking, why has Andy bought his weird friend?

I've done 300 episodes on that.

No, you've done 4,080 bugles.

Well, and not just that, you, Andy, and you, Chris, have caved into the PC lobby since the rebrand of the Bugle.

I've seen the other guest hosts.

It's just a parade of women and darkies.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Dude, I was going to change the name of the show.

You have absolutely caved in to people who were critics of the Bugle from 2007 to 2016 for its incredibly undiverse makeup.

You've caved into the hashtag Bugle So White campaign.

You've bowed to the PC lobby.

Yeah, right.

Yes.

Yeah.

I can't defend it.

Nish, as I said, I'm having trouble maintaining my mental equilibrium because I read too much on the internet.

You scroll on any news article until you get to the comments, or if you click the wrong link, you end up basically web surfing in the equivalent of the moment that they open the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones.

Was that a documentary?

I can't.

It was a drama, I think.

No, it wasn't because the Nazis were the bad guys.

I think what we need to do is start counter-pretending that everything is okay.

So we are now going to have an official bugle, calm the f ⁇ down section.

Yes.

Calm news today.

A butterfly fluttered from a pretty flower this afternoon onto a picnic rug, impressing the enchanted picnickers, before fluttering off again, pitching and lilting in the spring breeze, then disappearing from sight, leaving behind only a transient sense of the fragility of the delicately wondrous beauty of life.

Meanwhile, reports estimate that more than 25,000 people around the world unknowingly had a nice relaxing cup of tea at the same time yesterday afternoon.

Drinking tea, the renowned infusion, is thought by many scientists to be considerably better at engendering a sense of calm and well-being than other activities such as taking heroin, cockfighting, clickbaiting and politics.

And finally, a 25-year-old man from France was reported to be feeling soothed and spiritually equilibrious after listening to a CD compilation of great classical guitar music and then falling asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours.

Yes, the guitar was nice.

It made me feel nice.

That

was nice.

It's really cool, cool,

cool,

and nice.

And finally, sports, try bowls.

That looks really quite hard to have a fight about.

uh azerbaijan news now andy um and uh

this is uh one of the most incredible stories i've ever come across right uh the azerbaijani president ilham aliyev has appointed his wife as vice president of azerbaijan

now two details make this even spicier as a story right uh number one There has never been a vice president of Azerbaijan before, so he's created the position for her.

And number two, it is also their wedding anniversary.

What a gift.

What a gift, Andy.

It is my girlfriend's birthday this weekend, and she is not going to be happy with book tokens.

I'm starting to think that me giving my missus a copy of my own DVD is

a little bit hollow.

Yeah, I mean, I imagine she's furious she hasn't been invited to be a guest host of this show.

Well,

I've got my sister, so

nepotism.

I don't have too many legs to stand on.

But your sister's got impeccable credentials as a podcaster, Andy.

Are you saying

Mrs.

Aliyev does not have impeccable credentials as a...

I'm just saying,

when it comes to nepotism, you are way out of your depths, Osman, because in 2013, the Organised Crime and Corruption Reporting Project named Ilham Aliyev Corruption's Person of the Year.

Huge, huge accolade.

That is a hotly contested title as well.

Yeah, and there's a lot of money changing hands over it.

Very lively betting syndicates.

I imagine.

I imagine there's a couple of people who were in line to win but mysteriously took a dive.

Yeah.

Some Indian politicians who bizarrely committed no corruption in the year

and then ended up in a very fancy looking jaguar.

Yeah, it's absolutely extraordinary.

It's also the part of his wider attempt to essentially turn the position into a monarchy because he's also ditched term limits after a 2009 referendum and ditched the age requirement for being the president, which is, they believe, is paving the way for his 19-year-old son to run once he's done enough.

It's really, it's just really good at a time where we're seeing

so much open and aggressive corruption and corruption that's fueled by so much.

Just some people are still kicking at old school

and just relaxing and easing in and appointing their family members.

Unfortunately, we in the West have sort of got no legs to stand on because a journalist who is from Azerbaijan has said a pro-government lawyer from the country said that if Donald Trump is able to appoint his son-in-law as advisor, why can't Ali ever appoint his wife as vice president?

At which point, the journalist in question has just gone,

that's Khadija is

melee over.

Khadija is melee over,

who has expressed a frustration.

We've lost the moral high ground, Andy.

There was a time where we could have found that sort of corruption funny.

Yeah, well, bring those days back.

Bugle feature section now, fashion.

It's been London Fashion Week this week.

Nish, I know you've been

big events.

I saw you there on at least three of the

how many fashion days in a fashion week, Chris?

Four.

Four?

Eight.

Four, four days.

Man, you can carry off a diaphanous shiff and unisex blouse way better than I thought you could.

I was too busy dealing with some disappointed people who had turned up having misread a sign thinking it was London fascism.

They were not impressed to see me or indeed you there, Andy.

Sensational week, some of the big trends.

The designer Anya Hindmarch

went in for that.

That's an actual designer here.

And I know I'm a slight boy who cried, wolf, issue here, going.

Socks and slippers seem to be in from her.

Basically,

nursing home chic.

Although something to do with Brexit, I think, reflecting where the balance of voting power now lies.

If you can't beat them, dress like them.

Also, an amazing show.

I don't know if you saw this one, guys, by Gregenson's Practical Industrial and Workplace Safety Wear.

Iviz Tabards, very much in.

I mean, they are the

clothing of choice of the era, merging the age of practicality and the age of vanity.

You want and need to be seen

out

in London Fashion Week.

Coats, shirts, trousers, skirts, dresses, and jackets, all symptomatic of the Metropolitan Elite.

They've got to go.

Metal Greaves are in.

That was the big news.

It's a combative age, and you have to have lower leg protection.

You never know when someone might want to whack you in the shins with a mace these days for thinking about a fact they disagree with.

Togas, still out.

That's Brexit, Romans, a bit European.

Polar bear skin bikinis are in.

Democracy has voted for global warming and fashion is

reflecting that.

Might as well get on board.

The hip facial expressions on the catwalk this year.

That is always one of the fascinations of London Fashion Week.

Just a glorious range of facial expressions you see from the models and in this week.

Finging grumpy.

36 years in a row.

The full strop was quite widely seen.

Borderline hostage.

That was quite a strong, strong showing.

Harrowing remembrance of a deep personal trauma.

Just watch the news look.

That was very much in evidence.

Vegan doing work experience in an abattoir.

Seen at many of the catwalk shows.

And three-quarters of the way through an 18-hour shift as a manual sewage sifter at a wastewater treatment plant.

There were sort of a lot of models rocking that look as well.

But the one I most enjoyed was that distinctive look just given out by an umpire in a dubious decision at a crucial stage of the fourth innings of a Test match look?

That's which is basically a combination of all the above.

Yeah.

Shame that my favourite look missed out.

Desperately suppressing a fart on a crowded train.

That was the title of a Rembrandt self-portrait, I think.

The star designers this week,

Brazilian designer Cucciorinho

went in with convict chic, ball and chain, a 12,000 carats obsidescent onyx ball has a chain made of interlocked faux-stuffed eels.

David Cameron, former Prime Minister, dashing collection of hedgehog pelt socks themed around the feeling of eternal guilt-ridden regret.

Reportedly the itchiest socks ever.

To help you truly experience the restless feeling that you've been the agent of something terrible and

uncurable.

The Trump Trump effect seen in the designs of Mombasa Tipil Vimkovich with the new stove prousers, a cross between a stovepipe hat and a pair of of trousers, inspired by Trump predecessor and theatre sceptic Abraham Lincoln.

So

it's been a big week.

And in fact, in partnership with London Fashion Week, we have a free giveaway this week, audio fashion accessory.

You can express yourself or someone else's self with fashionableness.

Just need a Bluetooth speaker tied to your top, and you can play the following fashionable phrases on a loop to show that you're right up with the latest trends in fashion.

Who am I?

And what do I mean by this?

Put me only in the category of the uncategorizable.

Look at me and wonder how the fk this happened.

So there you go, that's the end of the fashion section.

We have to

get out of this studio because we've slightly overrun.

And we've talked about fashion.

And we've talked about

the fashion and fascism show.

The fashionism.

In five bugles, you and I have talked about a lot of subjects we're not not qualified to talk about yeah that's what this show's all about

somehow london fashion week feels like the thing we are least largely because you and i look like we've both been interrupted on our way to an art garfuncle tribute show

yes um to be honest there's only one subject in the world that i am qualified to talk about and that is uh arcane cricket statistics

i'm not sure would have lasted 300 episodes with that you're one up on me uh so we have to leave it there because we are about to be thrown out um we'll have some of your emails next week.

Do come and see my Tor Show.

I just have to rearrange my Nottingham show from today as we record due to Storm Doris.

Better names, please.

It's now going to be on Thursday the 9th of March instead.

Also coming up, if you get this in time, Friday the 24th Wolverhampton, Saturday the 25th, Southampton and 28th in Canterbury.

Yes, then the 9th of March in Nottingham.

Then Melbourne at the end of March through April.

Oh, great.

I'm very jealous.

Yes.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

Well, let's hope so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For the audience, at least.

Whether I enjoy it or not is, it's kind of hard at the moment.

I just end up most of my shows thinking, oh, what happened to my planet?

Never mind.

As long as you have a laugh about it, that's all that counts.

It's another planet.

That's right.

Well, yeah, they've just discovered seven new planets.

Oh, great.

It's fun.

We are off the fing hook, people.

Yeah, let's see if we can find one of those to f up beyond recognition.

Speaking of things being fucked up beyond recognition, I am reprising my tour show at the Soho Theatre Thursday to Saturday in March.

All three days, Thursday, Friday, Saturday through the whole of March.

Tickets very available due to the fact that I forgot the run was on and I've not promoted it.

Please come and bring up to 100 friends per night.

Goodbye, buglers.

Goodbye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.