Bugle 4012 – Bashfulness and Shame

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to issue 4012 of The Bugle, the world's most reliable source of real news, fake news, fake real news, real fake news, peer difference.

That anti-news, hyper-news, and should be real, but still actually fake news.

Something for everyone.

I am Andy Zoltzmann, the overlord of everlasting doom.

Don't like to make a good thing of it, but you know, an inherited title is an inherited title.

I'm British, there's not much I can do about it.

I'm in London, but not everyone in the world can say that, including my guest this week, joining us from somewhere that is not London, but is Mumbai, India.

It's the man who runs Bollywood, Anuvab Pal.

Hello, Andy.

Hello.

Hi.

How's uh, how's India?

Well, Andy,

India is still here, I'm happy to report.

Can't say that about a lot of countries nowadays.

We just have to check in every morning if they're around or not.

But we're still here.

We may have shifted a little to the left, but by and large, that was attributed to the entire world rotating.

And so we haven't...

actually moved.

We're still here

and you know we're still at a billion and growing.

So

you know not making much of an impact on the world by just being a tiny one sixth of it.

But we're here Andy, we're here.

It's not strictly true to say that you're not physically moving because isn't India drifting northwards by

going about a foot a year or something, smashing into the Himalayas at low speed?

That's correct.

That's correct.

And you know, this is not just also some geological thing that you're bringing up.

If you came and lived here, Andy, which I know you've done, you could actually feel it.

You could actually

feel the entire nation shifting a little to the right.

And I mean that politically, I mean that geologically,

and I mean that actually.

You know,

you could see yourself heading in that direction.

So that is very well observed.

In fact,

you know, like some nations, like the Maldives and so on, that may not exist in five or six years,

they've been shifting into us, actually.

I think those islands are coming closer to India as we shift further to the right into Tibet.

So I don't know where any of us are heading.

Well, someday you're just going to blast out the north of Russia and smash the North Pole to pieces, if there is a North Pole left by then.

I think like everything else in the world, we're all heading to China.

I think that's where this is going.

So this is Bugle 4012.

I think I might have said last week that we'd have Hari Kondobolu on this week.

He's now going to be on next next week because of logistics and stuff.

4012, coincidentally, is the year in which, on current predictions, the world finally recovers from Donald Trump winning the U.S.

election.

Also, the year in which historians finally managed to explain the look on Boris Johnson's face the morning after winning the Brexit referendum.

This is the Bugle for the Week beginning Monday, the 16th of January, 2017.

We are recording on Friday the 13th.

So, I mean,

this could be the end of times, frankly.

I don't know how much science is involved in Friday the 13th, but there was a report from the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina, that suggested that around 20 million people in the United States are affected by a fear of Friday the 13th.

And it's estimated that it costs America between 800 and 900 million dollars in lost business every Friday the 13th,

which does partially explain why that has become a country that has elected who it has elected.

But don't worry, the next one is not until nine months away.

So, but

nine months is a dangerous length of time.

Do not conceive and give birth a child today and on the 13th of October.

It could be disastrous for the planet.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week, with Britain's National Health Service clinging to the precipice of functionality after prolonged underfunding and mismanagement by governments, and or wasting its money on keeping people alive who realistically are never going to be top-line celebs, and or just being naturally wasteful like the bastion of communism it is, and with American Healthcare about to go into surgery with Dr.

Trump, a man whose bedside manner might be fairly described as harrowingly,

we give you a free pull-out guide to do-it-yourself surgery.

We're all going to have to start taking these things into our own hands as funding and availability gets more and more scarce.

And we tell you how to be your own surgeon in the comfort of your own home using everyday household appliances and kitchen utensils.

We advise you how to perform an endoscopy using leftover straws from your kids' birthday parties, a cheap beginner's microscope and a compact makeup mirror.

How to rig up an old 1970s cathode ray television, a microwave oven, a shower rail and a roll-top metal bathtub to make your own full-body CT scanner, and the best store cupboard staples to use to make your own charmingly homespun pharmaceuticals, including a litre of export strength vodka, half a dozen eggs and a jar of peanut butter, whiz it up in a blender to make the perfect anesthetic tincture to calm those angry post-operative scars.

Do use smooth peanut butter, that is essential.

20 teaspoons of instant coffee dissolved with 20 teaspoons of castor sugar in 50 milliliters of Coca-Cola has a very similar effect to neat adrenaline or epinephrine, whichever floats your funky boat, you know, just in case.

And strawberry jelly with a bit of cornflour, ideal for cosmetic implants for any part of the body.

And remember, water out of your tap is basically the same as homeopathic medicine.

So if you're stuck for supplies, just use that and pretend really hard.

And we give you a do's and don'ts of home surgery.

Do warn your neighbours in advance that you will be operating on yourself.

Home ops can end up a little bit noisy.

And the last thing you want when you're midway through a dining table appendectomy is the police turning up and battering your front door down because Gladys from next door thinks there's a murder taking place.

Don't plan anything strenuous for the evening.

Do make sure you have plenty of kitchen towel to hand.

Home ops can get messy.

Take it from me.

I'm midwife to birth in my bathroom.

Don't expect to get everything perfectly right first time.

Even experienced surgeons make mistakes.

So if your spouse, partner or child cuts the wrong tube, do try to be understanding.

Do print out your step-by-step instructions for how to do the operation before starting doing the operation.

You don't want to be fiddling around with printer cables and ink cartridges whilst the kidney is dangling out of your torso.

Don't copy what they do on a medical TV drummer like ER, Casualty, Band of Brothers, The Nick, Doogie Hauser MD, especially the Nick.

They often edit stuff down to fit everything in and you really shouldn't do that in a real operation.

And do get your kids to help out as nurses and orderlies.

It'll be fun and educational for the little ones.

They can even help out as anaesthetists once they're old enough to swing a heavy-based frying pan or mix a cocktail.

And yeah, as part of this section on home surgery, going straight in the bin, we have a competition.

You can win a Bugle home surgery kit featuring a staple gun, a turkey based, duct tape, nutcrackers, and chopsticks a plus.

And this kit is personally guaranteed by John Oliver to prove a 100% lifesaver.

You can check with his lawyers.

That's bullshit.

And you can win that if you can answer this question.

Where was Soviet self-surgery star Leonid Rogozov when he performed an emergency appendectomy on himself in in 1961.

Was he A in a Vostok space rocket testing out the effect of zero gravity on surgery?

Was he B on centre court at Wimbledon halfway through his men's semi-final against Ken Rosewall of Australia?

Was he C in Lennon's Mausoleum in Red Square?

Rogozov won a competition to start replacing the dead former communist revolution star's internal organs to see if they could bring him back to life.

Was he D in Antarctica dicking around in the snow?

Or was he E in the final of the Eurovision Sun Contest?

And he performed the operation as the grand finale to the USSR's entry that year, a song entitled, You Are the Collective Farm of My Heart.

A, B, C, D, or E, do send your answer to yourself.

And if you get it right, then you win that kit that I mentioned earlier on.

That section in the bin.

Interestingly, Andy, the do-it-yourself surgery sounded a lot like an actual surgery at an Indian hospital.

So for me, I was hard to laugh because it sounded very close to a professional medical service you would receive in any other part of the world.

Well, definitely in my part of the world.

Andy, as a top story this week, I have a question, really, a conundrum.

I don't know much about the developed world.

I'm learning more about America every single day.

And I don't know if you've heard, but...

That's a bad idea.

Yeah, it's not a good thing, Andy.

It's not a good thing.

But now, the way information travels, Andy, I can't help it.

You just receive information even when you don't want it.

You know, I just found out, for example, that my old school teacher was caught for tax fraud.

This is not information I need, but I get it on Facebook.

This is not stuff that.

Anyway, so America, right?

Donald Trump, president-elect, Andy, has not given a press conference since July, presumably, because in the last press conference, it almost ended up like a brawl.

A public brawl.

Not any different from the way,

not any different from the way sort of our ATM bank lines looked in India in November.

So that's what happened at his last one.

He hasn't done one since July, but I suppose he's president-elect, so he feels like he needs to do one, and he'll have to do many more as president.

So he's prepping, and he comes out, and it seemed to me, and my hold of the English language, it being my third language, is not so strong, but it seemed to me, Andy, that the main reason why the leader of the free world had a press conference was to deny that he may have been in an environment where some sort of urination was involved, whether on him or whether he was supervising.

Now, as a student of history, Andy, that you are, I want to know: is this regular practice?

Do world leaders in the first world often have to do press conferences to deny that they were in a urination situation?

Well, I think, isn't that why Neville Chamberlain had to quit as Prime Minister?

And it was, I mean, they used to use the war as a smokescreen.

A piss meat.

Boo, thank you, Chris.

Family show, mate.

Raised the part.

Sorry.

Well, Catherine the Great, the

Russian Empress,

there were various allegations that went into horse use

that were never fully proven.

I mean, Trump is in an honourable tradition.

I mean, look back to Roman times.

I mean, this would have been considered barely even breakfast behavior to have

alleged prostitutes allegedly urinating on an alleged bed.

So, I mean, it's it's a pretty small fry, really.

I mean, also, you know, in

here in Britain, Anuvab, our dear departed prime minister david cameron uh he may or may not have

put his membrane into the uh dead mouth of a dead former farm animal so you know if that if that what if that helps me to be honest the way trump campaigned i don't know why he's denied this even if it isn't true which presumably it i mean it probably isn't true i mean i know no smoke without fire is basically legally binding in in the modern media, but I think if it isn't true, I mean, that would surely disappoint his core voters, because that is exactly the kind of thing you would have expected Donald Trump to do.

And I think his supporters would have thought if he had the opportunity to hire out a hotel room used by the Obamas and he did not take the opportunity both to hire that room out and to hire a group of prostitutes to urinate on the bed, they will think he has somehow betrayed them.

I think that is that would be the kind of behavior.

I mean, I think ideally what they would have wanted is for him to do it whilst the Obamas were still in the bed.

But I mean, maybe that is too much to ask

logistically.

But surely this is.

I'm surprised he did not own up whether or not it actually happened because that surely would consolidate his supporter base.

Absolutely, Andy.

Absolutely.

I think you've raised some great points here.

I mean, look, he's a deal maker.

It's something he does.

A hotel room can't just be a place for sleeping.

Why can't it also be a place for various Russian-based prostitutes to also use it as a lavatory?

Now I think it's a fair point.

In some ways also, Anavab.

I mean, this is

in many ways probably the most feminist thing Trump has ever done.

I mean,

if he did actually do it, because there's always complaints that

the toilet facilities for women at

public buildings, stadiums, theatres, the works are inadequate.

Women always have to queue for far longer than than men.

Trump surely was laying down a marker for feminism to say, no, you deserve greater equality, and

I will let you use my personal beds as a public facility.

I mean, that is, I think in many ways, he's very much the new Mrs.

Pankhurst.

And Andy, what do you think of his denial at the press conference when this topic was alluded to, when he said, I wouldn't do that, I'm a germophobe.

What's your view of that, Andy?

I mean,

he's in a way making his case, like as any leader of the free world would do.

Which sort of raises another question.

You know, a lot of people have been asking on the podcast about the post-truth world.

I know you've discussed the post-truth world.

But in the post-truth world, are there some instances, Andy, of too much truth?

Do we really need to know that the president-elect would not engage in supervising urination from a a group of well-known harlots because

he's a germaphobe?

Is that something we need to know?

It goes back to something that happened in India.

We had the rise of a political party that campaigned on anti-corruption and its leader was a gentleman called Arvind Kejriwal, who's currently the Chief Minister of Delhi.

And the first day he assumed office, you know, big public support against corruption, corruption, all that.

First day he assumed office, he went, he couldn't go to office.

And then he gave a big press conference saying he can't go to office because he has, as you would call it in Britain, the runs.

Or as we would call it in India, loose motions.

And

I don't know which is a better term to describe going to the toilet regularly.

But he had the runs, he had loose motions, and he had a press conference and he said, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry, you've elected me unanimously in millions for this anti-corruption platform.

I want to go to office, but I've been shitting all day and I have the runs.

And then he asked the press, Do you want to know more?

And it's the only time in the history of India where everyone united and said no.

And my question here, Andy, is because there is a question, I'm building up to a question.

I'm Indian, so I have to go at it in a roundabout way.

But there is a question here, and the question is: do we need to know this much truth in the post-truth world, Andy?

I would say I would say no

I would say no simply because

well I think I mean it's

I think fake news is in a lot of ways preferable to real news I mean real news really really upsets people a lot of it is quite depressing at least with fake news you know you know it's fake so correct I mean it's oh and also when it comes to Trump it doesn't really matter there is no fake news you could possibly make up that would make him any less appropriate to be president of the United States than all the actual stuff that's out there.

I mean,

here are some more fake news on Trump, none of which is true, which I've just got from just inside my own head.

Trump

secretly, this was about three years ago, he hired a mad scientist.

He brought Mary Todd Lincoln, the widow of Abraham Lincoln, back to life, got her absolutely drunk off her dead tits on absinthe, took her down to the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C., and made her perform a lurid sex act on the big marble statue of Abraham Lincoln, and then sold her to a Chinese collector who collects ex-presidents' wives.

Trump also hired 50 prostitutes to reenact the World Series of 1932 and then

didn't pay them because they got the score wrong.

Trump secretly sneaks into zoos at nights and makes zookeepers feed Viagra to all the animals, then watches them hump whilst rubbing himself in the crotch he Donald Trump do you know this this this this is this is true this is this is not true but it is true I've just I've just heard this from an unreliable source myself he keeps a ferret in his underpants called patchula and when it nibbles his testiculati it makes him sniff that we've seen that all the way through the camp that's it he's a it's a hungry ferret and he likes his snack Donald Trump has a tattoo of his own face on his own peanut and when his membran trumpiculum tumesses at the thought of a grabbable feminine virginieta or other such source of trumpic, erotic hawuga faction, the eyebrows on the tattooed Trump go up.

But does

none of that clearly is true?

Well, even if it was true, it would not make him a single fraction of a percent less suitable to be president than he already is.

That's absolutely true.

In fact, like you said, his voter base would be disappointed if some of these things are not true.

And it's sort of tragic that we live in a world where, as you're describing these things, however exaggerated and fantastic, there are probably listeners of this podcast googling these things right now to see whether they may or may not have happened.

Put them on Trump's Wikipedia page.

No smoke without fire.

And they will gladly upload it.

Look, like you said, you know, again, I don't know much about the first world, but if one of your investigative journalism stories, which is kind of true, is based on the fact that a prime minister of a developed nation could or could not have made love to a small pig.

If that is the starting point of a real news story, everything you've just described, Andy, is just about 90% possible.

There was a gloriously British response to the whole schemozzle.

The former British ambassador to Russia was interviewed on radio for this morning and

said this was he was asking whether

these unsubstantiated sources,

whether they were trustworthy.

And his point was that given the nature of Trump, then you've got to, you know, there might be some credence in some of what was said.

And he used this glorious phrase: Mr.

Trump is not a man who is regularly driven by bashfulness and shame.

I think that is an early contender for most British sentence of the millennium.

We're only 17 years in.

And

that is going to be hard to beat.

Mr.

Trump is not a man who is regularly driven by bashfulness and shame.

Team GB.

Great sentence, Andy.

Great sentence.

This is what happens when your culture has irony, Andy.

You know, let me report something from a part of the world that isn't very ironic.

When the Trump story broke, you know, if you live in a culture that's about survival, that wants to make a point to the world, like India, you know, we want to be an economic power, it's all very irony-free.

So, when the story broke, right, both the British story about the Prime Minister and the pig and the Trump story,

we always prefer petty logistics over any sort of irony, Andy.

And so, when this report broke that Trump may have been in a room watching certain prostitutes urinating,

the big Indian response was, which hotel, what room number?

And that's when it struck me.

And with the David Cameron thing, when that hit Times of India, our question question was, what kind of pig?

And that's when I realized the real value of a post-ironic world.

Because, you know, while you guys can enjoy the fun of this, you know, I'm glad to be in a part of the world that's really interested in the details.

You know, we've already accepted the truth.

This happened.

Now we just want to know the petty logistics, you know.

And I'm not for irony, Andy.

I'm not one that likes irony.

I don't understand it.

I'm new to the English language.

So these details are very important to us.

And I like how we just accepted it.

Ritz-Carlton Hotel, urination happened, what room,

how many prostitutes.

Like we got into the basic facts and I think that's really where post-truth needs to go.

Trump

had some quite extraordinary things to say as ever.

He described the publication of this alleged Russian report detailing not just the

sexual shenanigans, but some far more alarming political shenanigans as well.

As he said the publication of this report was, quotes, something Nazi Germany would have done.

And also in a tweet, he said, Are we living in Nazi Germany?

To which I guess the response is,

Mr.

Trump,

I know you're locked in your tower about 24-7 at the moment.

You must have a television there.

Put the history channel on and watch any documentary.

And

that that should answer your question fairly conclusively He also interestingly seems a lot less keen on made-up bullshit than he was when making up bullshit during the election campaign last year I guess I guess that's just politics and also it strikes me as a bit rich Anuvab America is a Christian country and I know I'm coming at this from a a Jewish perspective Yes, Andy, but for a Christian country to moan about fake news given that their fave religion was kicked off by the gospel hacks churning out the clickbait, when that is that is which man gets entire wedding party drunk with water, Jesus slams absentee dad at own execution and how to perfect the perfect loincloth and six-pack look.

That kind of shit is the foundation of America.

And so they really, Trump should accept this as just part of his

national heritage.

Trump turned once again to one of his favorite topics, the wall with

Mexico.

Satellite projections do suggest that Mexico is currently about 25% through soaring itself off from America and it's just going to just gradually shift itself further southwards.

He said, we're going to build a wall and Mexico will reimburse us, he says.

That

will happen.

Mexico responded by saying, no, it won't.

Obviously, it won't.

But there are some ways in which he could make Mexico pay for the wall.

And I've thought about this long and hard.

Number one, send Mexico a bill for the wall.

Now, if number one doesn't work, just if they decide not to pay the 10 billion pounds for the wall that they've not asked for, he could try phoning Mexico, putting on a mafia voice and saying something like, it would be an awful shame if those Aztec temples got a little bit damaged, wouldn't it, Mr.

Mexico?

Now, if neither step one nor step two works, try step three, tell Mexico the wall is a magic fajita.

Ask them if they would like to eat it, and then say it costs $10 billion, by the way, and that's without the guacamole.

If none of one, two, or three works, four, secretly film the president of Mexico watching prostitutes urinate on a hotel bed,

then threaten to leak the footage.

And if they don't pay up the $10 billion blackmail fee, try five, a complex system of hidden tariffs over several years.

So you can claim that Mexico has indirectly paid for the wall, as you said they would.

Ignoring any overall lost your national economy caused by slumping trade with Mexico, then get a guy in a sombrero with a big moustache dressed in a pantomime jalapeno pepper outfit to hand over a massive novelty check for £10 billion.

That will definitely work.

So Mexico will pay for that wall.

I think that the president of Mexico needs to take your advice and hire you as a special advisor

in a post-NAFTA world.

You know, I think, because what's going on with Mexico and the United States right now is a Twitter feud, as you've been following, Andy.

Vincente Fox of Mexico tweeted the other day directly to Trump saying,

we're not paying for this wall.

And I think that when world diplomacy just comes down to swearing on Twitter,

that's where we need Andy Soltzmann as special envoy to Mexico.

I think this is the moment.

The UN really should just be operating via Twitter feed now.

I think maybe this is...

This could be the fear.

You'll save a lot of money for world diplomacy if it is just all done in the Twitter sphere.

If the UN just sends out a daily tweet saying, for f ⁇ 's sake, everyone, calm the f down.

Would that work any less well than their

mealy-mouthed resolutions?

I don't think so.

Another worrying thing about Trump is he started referring to himself in the third person

at this.

Now, that is barely acceptable in a world champion boxer, and definitely not acceptable in a soon-to-be president of the United States by this time next week.

Andy, I have a question.

The streaming music website Spotify just announced that they'd given a job to President Obama.

I am not sure if President Obama is looking for a job, but they anyway, they've created a position for him.

President Obama has been offered the job of President of Playlists on Spotify.

And it makes me wonder whether various other millennial technology companies are going to offer other such jobs to the President.

like whether Tinder is going to have a job called the President of Hookups,

Airbnb is going to offer a job as president of the couch surfing, I don't know,

or Uber is going to offer a job as president of best shared route taken.

I don't know what other roles will open up, but I just wondered if you had any views on these millennial-focused tech companies creating positions for this rock star

ex-president.

Well, I mean, it's

always tough for presidents to know what to do after

they've left.

I mean, president of playlists, you know, for most of us would be a

huge excitement to be Spotify's president of playlists.

I think there's a maximum eight-year term there, isn't there, under the Spotify Constitution.

But for Obama, I mean, it has to be considered something of a step down.

We might not get quite the same thrill and adrenaline as

from putting up playlists of

classic 60s soul or

a nice bit of 1980s synth pop or whatever he's into.

Spotify did clarify, it does not come with a nuclear button.

Oh, right.

That is a shame.

Grey band.

But I mean, it's hard to know what Obama will do next.

He's a young man still.

He's,

what is he, in his early 50s?

55.

55?

I mean, he looks great for 55, but it's hard to know what what he will do next, other than spend the rest of his life saying, damn it, every 20 minutes, day and night, when he thinks about the years 2008 to 2016 and all the things that he really wanted to get done, but didn't.

I mean, he could go to Vegas as a crooner.

He's got a lovely singing voice.

I could see him and Celine Dion working together for the foreseeable.

He could become, you know, just travel the world as a freelance charismatician, advising the rest of the world's politicians on how to be more smooth and exciting in public.

Theresa May could certainly do with some lessons over here.

As long as he stays the f out of cricket statistics, leave my job alone, Obama.

Or you can crack a gag.

You know,

if you take over from me on the bugle, I don't mind, but leave the cricket stats alone.

Maybe he'll go back to being just a regular attorney in Chicago.

But I don't know.

He got, you know, TV.

He'd make a great TV host.

Could be a judge on the new series of America's Got Issues.

He could be the new Ricky Lake.

I mean, the

possibilities are endless.

Among all of these, Andy, I really like

the going around the world and just being charismatic, which almost lends itself to sort of being Barack Obama, Andy, is almost like a full-time job.

I can't think of any president in the history of the United States where just being himself was enough, you know?

Like sometimes you would listen to Barack Obama's speeches.

He'd deliver them in Berlin or Vietnam.

It didn't matter.

You started crying because he was saying something about hope and children and stuff.

And you're like, why is he even there?

But it it didn't matter because he was just Barack Obama.

And he was doing stand-up for a bit in all those White House press correspondence.

And

I just think that there was the presidency and there was Barack Obama.

And the two had very little to do with each other.

I think they got together during that Osama bin Laden surgical strike.

And I think that that's a thing he did.

And, you know, wherever he goes into, I just hope he doesn't do too many surgical strikes in Pakistan.

But

other than that, like, for example, he got into cricket statistics.

You know, it wouldn't be nice if he just broke down doors and shot people.

That would not be nice.

But that was his only president-y thing.

The rest of it, there were lots of very good speeches and some superb comedy.

And there has to be a job just doing that.

There must be.

Well, he could be the new John Oliver.

That's bullshit.

Andy, I have a question.

The game of football is very big where you're from.

Yep.

Yeah, and

I've been reading that there's a country called China.

It's next to where I am, and it's quite large.

And they have a lot of...

I'm glad you've done your research for this.

We insist on the bugle.

I know you're relatively new to this August News Institute, basically an encyclopedia of truth.

I'm very glad that you've done

some good quality research on China before beginning that sentence.

Well done.

Thank you, Andy.

Thank you.

You had told me to go out and get this this thing.

I'd written it down.

It's called a world map.

I found it.

And on it, there was this place, China.

It's big.

And I also read up that they have a lot of money.

And it appears that they have been buying up a lot of your football players.

And I have a question, Andy.

I have a philosophical question.

If you've got a lot of money, is it possible to then just buy a sport and just move it to Asia?

Is that a thing that's just possible?

Well,

I'm looking at the Indian Premier League cricket, you'd have to say yes.

Yes, it is.

I mean, the Chinese football is fascinating.

They've spending an insane amount of money, £60 million

on the Brazilian midfielder Oscar from Chelsea.

They're paying Carlos Teves, the rather aging Argentinian forward, £400,000 a week to play in the Chinese league.

I mean, they just,

just a report coming out that the Chinese club Ca Ching Argyle, they've just bought Cristiano Ronaldo's left testicle for £150 million.

They're planning to breed Ronaldo's spermulums with a leopard and a shark to create the ultimate footballer.

And I'm just reading, Anuvab, that you yourself have been rumored to be...

About to join the Chinese Premier League for £2.5 million as a holding midfielder.

I mean, have you ever played football?

I have not, Andy, and that is correct.

That story is correct.

And I think that is a fair fair price.

Because one of the things that we figured out in India very early on, as you said about the cricket, is that

we are definitely for sale.

You know,

the question is, in the rest of the world, you may often ask, are you a sellout?

And in India, we often ask, why are you not a sellout yet?

Does nobody want you?

So coming from that philosophical entity, like we did with your gentleman's sport, you had cricket.

You know, cricket came with white clothes, it came with tea, it came with a certain decorum.

We went around and asked the world, are there cricketers that are for sale, that'll wear anything, and play with whatever rules of the game we make up?

And it seemed the world responded with yes.

And so, in a similar vein, Andy, I have decided to play football.

I am available for two and a half million dollars till about 20 minutes before this podcast, as we discussed, I didn't know where China was.

I've looked it up.

It's large,

it's nearby.

And I'm going to be, I'm going to go there and I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a relatively esteemed Chinese football player and live a decent life as a Chinese footballer.

I have learned also that they have their own language.

It's called Chinese.

They have their own food.

It's called Chinese food.

So as you know, I know a lot about that culture.

It is amazing the number of top footballers who've suddenly developed a yearning to play in the

Chinese league.

When we're in Europe, we'd like to think that everyone should do everything in Europe.

That is just the way that we're brought up as Europeans.

The world belongs, it's basically a feeder system for Europe when it comes to football, as in everything else.

But now, the money is taking

our rightful South American footballers away from Europe, where they belong.

And we're not happy at all about this.

I know a lot of these footballers have just suddenly developed an addiction to smog.

But, I mean, apart from that, why would they play in China

the relative pittance of £400,000 a week?

It

makes no sense.

That's not the only big transfer fees flying around, Anuvab.

In Japan,

a dead bluefin tuna fish has been sold for £500,000

at auction.

It was, I mean, that's a big transfer fee for a dead fish.

You just worry about whether it's going to be able to live up to the transfer fee when it's on the sushi slab.

Is it going to to go to the dead tuna fish's head?

Is it going to get a bit cocky and arrogant and forget what it's best at, which is being cut into small strips and being eaten with wasabian soy sauce?

You do worry about it.

And also the other fish, you know, this is going to inflate the market.

Other fish are going to be demanding more.

You'll have a shoal of sardines wanting two grand each just to get in the net.

You'll have mackerel on 25 grand a week living in a luxury aquarium kitted out like a 1970s porn set.

I mean, where's it going to, all these, there's going to be agents.

There are going to be football agents going to move from football into fish.

They're going to be swimming around the sea in scuba kits saying, three quarters of a million on my clad is not getting out of the water for you.

I'll worry about this.

It's a slippery slope.

Well, I have a question and an update for you, Andy.

The question being, was the Bluefin teen and tuna bought by the same Chinese football company who have now decided that they just want to spend money.

It doesn't matter if they're buying human beings or fish.

They just want stuff for their football team.

And they damn it, they don't care how it comes.

And sorry, I was a little distracted because while you were talking about that, I just looked this up on Bloomberg right now.

The same Chinese people are offering $11 billion, Andy, for this podcast.

It will be delivered in Huan or a Remnimbi or whatever Chinese currency

is the currency when Trump

comes into power.

And

that 11 billion remnant could be equivalent to either £4

or £400 billion,

depending on what trade deal Trump decides on on the 22nd of January.

So there you go, Andy.

I'm sorry I was distracted.

I was looking at Bloomberg and this just happened.

Well, this podcast is not for sale.

Next week, we'll have a special feature on the Terracotta Army and

how awesome Confucius is.

Anyway,

Your emails now.

And thanks very much for your emails.

Do keep them coming in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

This one comes in from Niels in The Hague in the Netherlands.

Just quite an interesting suggestion, Anivab.

Niels writes, I've done some thinking.

It's quite easy to solve the issue of foreign powers influencing elections.

Why don't they just allow the whole world to cast a vote in everyone's general elections?

That way, everyone can have their say without having to resort to backdoor politics, bribing, hacking, etc.

Just designate a few electoral voters to represent the state of the rest of the world.

If they have this stupid tiered voting system, we might as well use it for good.

I'd say everyone should have a, particularly in the American election, everyone in the world should have a vote.

I'm not saying it should be worth the same as American votes.

I'm saying it should be worth more than American votes because it affects the rest of the world far more than it affects America, which is just going to carry on arguing with itself oblivious to what happens in the rest of the planet.

We deserve two votes in the American elections.

In whatever crazy system they're using, electoral college should be expanded to encompass the whole of the planet and we will have a far fairer, more stable and widely respected democracy.

That is, Niels, you've hit upon the solution to all the world's problems.

Everyone to vote.

In fact, there's an argument to say that people who live in their own countries are far too close to it to judge objectively.

So in fact, no one should be allowed to vote on elections in their own countries.

And only people from outside should have any say on it.

Although that didn't go too well with the European Union in the Brexit vote.

Anyway,

there's something to work on, Niels.

Thank you.

That's a really interesting sort of.

I just have one question with that.

And did you think that the Americans would be a little confused when all their secretaries of state and transportation are Indian or Chinese?

With a single vote for every person, and with three of the six billion in the world being these people,

it would be a bit worried when Mr.

Modi is leading the American negotiations for Russia, or

Premier Xi Ping is the Secretary of Transportation sitting in Detroit fixing General Motors.

But like you said, maybe the Americans wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

It's fine.

I would much rather have Modi and Xi Jinping for all their flaws than Trump and Ben Carson.

So I will take that deal.

I can tell you one thing, it'll be you're in free.

Do keep your emails coming in to hellobuglers at thebuglepodcast.com.

That brings us towards the end of this week's Bugle.

Just a quick word on the Football World Cup.

In a brief sports section, FIFA has announced a rejig of the World Cup.

The question that FIFA was facing was how do you improve on something that is basically pretty much perfectly structured as it is?

And they've come up with a traditional FIFA answer of making it considerably shitter for no real reason.

They've announced it's going to

increase the Football Cup from 32 teams in

eight groups of four to 48 teams in 16 groups of three, going down to a 32-team knockout and all the randomness and unsatisfactory defensive play that'll almost certainly entail.

And you have to ask Anifab, why would it be, why would it be that FIFA, of all organizations, would suddenly expand their showpiece tournament to include 16 more nations, thereby raising hope to

far more football federations around the world that they could maybe qualify.

I think maybe they're just thinking of the overall good of the global game.

I don't know if there's anything more sinister to it than that.

Absolutely not, Andy.

Absolutely.

I think the 16 nations

that are joining really have just proved their mettle as footballers.

And we will not count for all those wire transfers into Swiss bank accounts that

we in India are quite familiar with, you know, because the way we look at it here is...

That's just testimony to dedication, hard work, and integrity.

Because what is integrity if you cannot be for sale?

What is the point of integrity?

I think FIFA is asking that question, Andy.

And

I, for one, can't wait to watch Papua New Guinea versus Pakistan.

I think that'll be a cracker of a football match.

Yeah, well, I mean,

people forget of the

hard work that needs to go into top-level corruption.

It's not an easy job, necessarily.

I mean, it's quite exciting for India because the Indian national football team has never made it to a World Cup.

They were invited to play in the 1950 World Cup.

All other Asian teams withdrew, apparently, but they couldn't go because of

financial constraints.

But this could be an exciting moment for Indian football to think that you might only be 100 nations away from qualifying for a World Cup rather than 116.

It's very exciting.

It's a big moment.

In fact, the biggest moment for us was when all that corruption with FIFA came out.

And because our only thing was, what?

You guys were open to this if only you told us, you know?

We were a bit devastated that we came to it too late.

Because we, you know, for those years, we had a bit of money and we could have done something with it.

We didn't have footballers, but we'd find them.

That's fine.

So that really hit us hard, all those investigations and all of that.

Well, that does bring us to the end of this week's bugle.

Just a quick thanks to those who came to see my Soho Theatre Show 2016, the certifiable history.

Don't forget, you can get my DVD at gofasterstripe.com.

You can buy a physical version or a download for a fraction of the price.

You're cool.

Clearly, you're cool.

Also, my Plan Z tour of the UK is beginning on the 2nd of February in Bristol, then Leeds on the 4th, Leicester on the 9th, Richmond on the 10th, Richmond, Richmond.

Are you there?

I've seen the ticket sales.

Are you there, Richmond?

And Peterborough on the 11th, then through the rest of February, Corsham, Milton Keynes, Salford, Nottingham, Wolverhampton, Southampton, and Canterbury.

The details at andy'sultsman.co.uk, then the rest are in May.

And I think my Melbourne Festival tickets are now available as well but I can't tell you exactly where but I reckon if you whack it into a search engine you'll find them.

Anything to plug Anivab while we're in the ruthlessly commercial phase of the show?

Andy I'd just like to bring up a small piece of trivia I haven't told you about.

I went to see the India-England cricket match.

Oh, right.

And I was sitting and watching the match when we were scoring 14,000 runs in one inning

because that seems like a fair fight.

And I was sitting there and there was a a gentleman.

I think you have a fan base here, Andy.

You have a fan base at Indian Cricket Stadiums because I saw a man with a placard.

I'm not making this up.

And even if I am, it's the post-truth world, you'll never find out.

He had a placard that said, Where is Andy Saltzman?

I am not making this up.

And I think that is a philosophical question we're all trying to answer.

And if you'd like to clarify, he was in the Dilip Veng Saka,

the Dilib Veng Saka stands of the stadium, which had no shade.

So he had bought a cheap ticket.

He was sitting there holding up his eyes saying, Where is Andy Zoltzmann?

And I think he looked quite mad.

So I told him this is someone you knew, but this is just something you should know, Andy.

I'm just letting you know.

I want photographic evidence of this, but out of all the places I'm least likely to be found in the world, not in the shade in India is pretty high amongst those places.

It takes me about 30 seconds before I am essentially like a well-done steak.

Anyway, buglers, thank you very much for listening.

Anubab will be back when he's going to be here in London in February.

So we'll be recording in the same room,

which is going to be exciting.

And next week, we'll have Hari Kondibolu with an instant reaction to the inauguration of Donald Trump as President of America.

Oh, those words feel no better coming out of my mouth now.

than they did when I was vomiting them into my toilet last night in rehearsal.

Thank you very much for listening, Buglers.

Until next time, goodbye.

The Bugle is a proud member of Radiotopia from PRX, made possible with great support from our founding sponsors, the Knight Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating creativity, chaos, and teamwork.

That's bullshit.

Hi, Buglers.

It's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast, Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.