Bugle 4010 – Christmas special!

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers,

and welcome to issue 4010 of the Bugle.

I'm Andy Zaltzmann and hang your stockings on your reindeer adlers and book a midwife for your manger.

This is the Bugle 2016 Christmas special.

If you're not into Christmas you can double this episode up for Hanukkah, Diwali, Saturnalia, Yule, the Sales, an ancient festival in which financial discounts are offered for stuff no one really wants.

Sorry, sales, mispronounce that.

And Newton Mass, a celebration of the birth of alleged physics messiah Isaac Newton.

who was born on the 25th of December 1642.

Newton, of course, was the only one of Quintupris Quintuplets to reach adulthood with his faculties intact, his siblings having all been rendered insensible by their uncle Tony's well-meaning but badly designed five-baby cradle, which resulted in them all repeatedly smashing their heads together while sleeping.

Newton's big miracle, of course, was to make an apple fall out of a tree, which doesn't really stack up against his 25-5th of December rival, Jesus Christ, who turned a few bottles of supermarket mineral water into enough wine to get a herd of elephants absolutely smashed.

Anyway, that's by the by.

This is a record-breaking Bugle Christmas special this year, because whilst we have done Christmas shows in the past, this year we are breaking the bugle record for most Jews in a Bugle Christmas show.

It was one, now it is two, because I'm joined for this year's Christmas special by someone with whom I first spent Christmas 36 years ago in 1980.

Back then, of course, she was pinned to the top of our family Christmas tree.

British tradition with babies, of course.

Mostly saying wah, wah, wah, complaining about people's grammar, I think.

It is the one and only Helen's Oltzman.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Helen.

Do you remember being nailed to the top of a Christmas tree?

You're probably too young.

Yeah, well, also, I was kept sedated until I was in my teens.

Until you're in your teens?

Yeah, it's better that way.

Such a docile child.

That's a traditional British way of dealing with daughters.

But what else are they going to do for those years?

Useless.

So are you looking forward to Christmas?

I am, Andy.

I am.

Because I'm really stringing it out this year.

I'm having three separate Christmases.

Yes, no,

we are recording.

We are pre-recording this.

On Zoltzmann Christmas Eve.

Zoltzmann Christmas Eve, because you're fleeing to America.

Yeah, screw you guys.

I'm putting 5,000 miles between me and the family.

We're having a

preemptive Christmas.

It's traditional in Judaism to beat the rush.

And I've already had one with my in-laws.

And my father-in-law does a lot of gigs as Santa.

Right.

He's been growing out his beard since July.

It's very fluffy.

Oh, his own beard?

Oh, yeah.

That's good.

That's good commitment.

Well,

he looks so exactly like Santa that I think he probably is the real one.

Right.

Not just an ambassador.

And the greatest gift he gave you was a husband.

What more could you want?

Was he in a stocking when you first met him?

I don't think he was wearing stockings.

Didn't check.

Okay.

Big features coming up later on in this week's world-exclusive Christmas show, Santa Flaws.

With hostility to the economic elite growing by the year and amidst increasing evidence that Father Christmas gives better, more expensive presents to children with rich parents and allegations of illegal workplace labour practices and dodgy offshoring, is Santa plc showing signs of strain?

Also, manger danger.

Why trying to give your baby the perfect Christmas style birth is a health and safety nightmare?

We give you the top tips on how to keep sheep away from the birthing area and how to stop an ox from doing an off-putting shit next to your midwife.

And quiz math shocking.

Does letting kids have time off school over the winter break mean they're more likely to fail mathematics exams the following summer?

The bugle investigates.

Also, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the men.

This week, a build your own audio nativity scene.

To get you started, here are some animal noises.

Now to continue your audio nativity scene, here is the Angel Gabriel.

And out he pops, folks.

This is the big one.

Now, here is your Mary, of course, the woman who put the Ma into Christmas.

Can everyone get out of the manger, please?

I want some skin-to-skin time with my baby so we can bond.

Just standing next to her, Joseph.

Not my kid, not my problem.

And now,

the three wise men.

It's cold.

I guess it is a bit unimaginative.

What are you saying?

Baby clothes or a pram would have been more use?

Sorry, they were clean out of Lego.

That baby looks like a 25-year-old man.

There's one for fans.

Renaissance.

The Shepherds.

Come by!

Come by!

Eli, there's a fing baby in that manger.

Yeah, Samuel, I told you about that.

A son of God, that one.

The fing son of God.

It's the one the angel told me about.

Save your kid.

And to complete the picture, the owner of the inn.

Yeah, I've shuffled things around so you can have roommates.

Hang on, are you going to clean up that f ⁇ ing mess?

It looks like a crime scene.

There you go, the Bugle.

Build your own audio nativity scene.

Would it is it a waste of time to ask where that was set?

Christmas, Helen.

I mean it's

one of the most prominent times of year of the year.

And

people always talk about you know a good Christmas or a bad Christmas.

Any any Christmases that really

stand out for you as particularly good or bad?

Best Christmas ever or worst Christmas ever?

Well, there was that Christmas, thinking about 1995, where you and Dad were having an argument where you posited that sport is a distillation of war.

And Dad said, no, no, no, maybe war is a distillation of sport.

And this is still going on.

Oh, right, okay.

Well, I don't think humanity's ever fully, fully come to terms with that philosophical debate.

In terms of worst Christmas ever, there are a number of pretty impressive candidates from history.

In particular, Christmas 1317.

From the point of view of Duke Valdemar and Duke Erik of Sweden.

At the Neuschopping banquet, and I've no idea if I pronounced that right.

King Berger of Sweden was holding his Christmas celebration on the 11th of December 1317.

Getting it in early.

At Neuschirping Castle in Sweden.

And amongst the guests were his two brothers, Valdemar and Erik.

Later that night, he kidnapped and imprisoned them and subsequently starved them to death in the dungeon of the castle.

Can you find anything to beat that as worst Christmas ever?

That's a classic Christmas jape.

It's a little sibling rivalry at Christmas.

That when it really comes out.

It really puts the strain on families, but that I believe is

taking it too far.

kidnapping and starving your siblings to death.

I think I was quite lucky not to be imprisoned and starved to death by you or our brother.

Not for family Christmas.

Not for want of trying, let me tell you that.

It's because dad wouldn't let us in the cellar and we didn't have another dungeon.

I'll tell you who else had a bad Christmas.

Emperor Leo V.

In 1820, he was assassinated in Constantinople.

He was attending a matin service when a group of assassins disguised as monks threw off their robes and drew their weapons.

They threw off their robes.

Did they really do that or is that you're just dramatizing it as if it's diehard or something?

Well, it's on the internet, Helen, so it must be a fact.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

That's the world we live in now.

What were they assassinating him for?

Did he choose the wrong set menu at the Christmas dinner?

That is possible.

I mean, it was a bit of a dispute over who should be running the gaff.

But to make it an even worse Christmas than just being assassinated,

the

assassinators

then

got hold of his four sons and castrated them all.

End the family line.

That is a bad Christmas.

Is it because they did not want to have nieces nieces and nephews?

Well, I guess, I mean, it can spiral out of control, doesn't it?

It gets expensive at Christmas.

Yeah.

Because kids are really capitalist and greedy.

Another fascinating historical Christmas event, 1826, the eggnog riot at the United States Military Academy.

Because people finally realised that eggnog is disgusting.

Well, it concluded.

We want Bailey's.

We want Bailey's.

It concluded on Christmas Day, 1826, having begun the previous evening.

That's a long time to be rioting rioting about eggnog.

It's really gross.

Maybe they overheated it, so it's basically scrambled egg with booze in it.

That's the risky rum.

You can understand why a lot of military students might also known as the Grog Mutiny,

apparently at West Point in

New York.

How has no one made a film of this?

I don't know.

I mean, that appears to be a slight.

I mean, you could probably drag that out over

eight series of decreasingly interesting television, as tends to be the case nowadays.

Maybe it's because there'll be a lot of white fluid sloshing around on screen, and it's hard to get that past the sensors sometimes.

Resulted in a load of court-martials, which really when you're getting court-martialed over eggnog, that's

choose a different enemy than the eggnog, just don't drink it.

Good Christmas 1914,

not so good either side of it, but the famous football match in no man's lands between uh Britain and Germany, FC.

Who won?

I don't know.

Chris, you're a football fan.

Do you know what the final score was and that?

There is no documentation of any outcome or how many outbreaks of this game that there were across the front.

Yeah, whether it was just a five-aside or whether it was all of the soldiers.

We don't even know how they interpreted the off-side rule.

Right.

Well, you say that.

I mean, we have another delve into the British National Sound Archives now from the special Christmas Day 1914 edition of the football phone in 606.

You do know I used to produce this show.

Alan,

yeah, it's David.

I just wanted to say, I thought the referee was absolutely appalling today.

He let the Germans get away with murder out there, which actually, I thought the boys put up a good effort and were really, really let down by the officials.

Awful.

And there was Bob Ware on the pitch as well.

I think

this episode is really showing siblings in a bad light because I got to thinking about Good King Wentzer's last, you know, the carol that no one has ever reached the end of because it's so long.

How long is it?

I think it's about 70 years long, but no one has ever got past gathering winter fuel.

Well,

I only get as far as Good King Wenteslass looked out.

I assume he's been pinned with a close LBW decision that was then not given by the umpire.

There's one for cricket fans.

And Buglers, if you are a cricket fan, do try to spread the sporting jargon, the Wenceslas, for a close but refused leg before wicket decision.

I really hope this happens for you, Andy.

Yeah, I know, you don't seem to care about this, Helen.

It's very much a one-man crusade getting the Wenceslas, so called.

You're such a disappointment.

Just do him a favour, please.

Then we don't have to hear about it.

But I was wondering why he was considered so good, And I found out that it was because he was considered so dead.

He was

brothers, brothers are getting a very bad rap in this, so

take that what you will.

He was stabbed to death by three of his brothers' friends.

Then his brother, Bolislav, finished him off with a lance.

As if three stabbers is not enough.

Right.

You've got to kebab him as well.

Was this at Christmas or not?

No, I think it was in September, although some people estimate that as when Christ would have really been born anyway, judging by census data.

But then if you go by when shepherds would have been tending their flocks outside, it's more likely Jesus was born in April.

This is a kind of...

Definitely not December, though.

Jewish nonsense I feared when I invited you onto this show, Ellen.

He was born on the 25th of December.

Sure.

And that is why Santa Claus comes on the 25th as the earthly representative of Jesus.

They even got the same beard.

Carry on.

So, and then Bolislav, the murdering brother with the lance, his son was born on the day that Wentestas was murdered.

And so they named him.

One-in-one out.

They named him Strachkvass, which means a dreadful feast.

So about as close as I murdered your uncle on your birthday as you can get.

That's a classic Dolly Parton song, isn't it?

Country is very

moving.

So yeah,

I think he was...

And then in the carol it's the Feast of Stephen, which is Boxing Day in Britain.

Right.

And St.

Stephen is the patron saint of horses, headaches, casket makers, and Owensboro, Kentucky.

In that chronological order?

Well, Kentucky was his favourite.

But he thought horses are popular.

Let's get them out of the way first.

Headaches, everyone can identify.

Casket makers will come to everyone eventually.

So here we celebrate it on Boxing Day with

cold cold food sandwich.

And in a lot of places, they celebrate with

horse riding because it was the patriotic horses.

A lot of people get headaches for sacred reasons.

But in Wales, until the 19th century, the St.

Stephen's Day custom was to beat people with branches of holly, but specifically people who got up late and female servants.

Right.

Merry Christmas.

I mean, how long did this tradition last in Wales?

Well, I want to know why it stopped.

Did they run out of holly?

Right.

Because the 19th century was a time when a lot of people still had traditions that involved beatings and sexism.

Right.

Well, it's the PC Brigade, isn't it?

Can't do anything these days.

You can't even beat a female servant with holly at Christmas.

Thank you, Brussels.

What do they have against late risers as well?

Boxing day, a lot of people are hung over.

Time now for the 2016 Bugle Christmas quiz.

And Helen and I, we've got questions for each other, and you'll be able to answer the multiple choice questions.

Write your answers down on a bit of paper.

And if you get them all correct, you win the rights to join Santa's team of reindeer for next year's Christmas delivery.

You have to go at the back.

At the back.

So there's going to be a lot of farting in your face.

Next to Blitzen.

I think

who are the back pair in

the setup these days?

Stephen Dunn.

The new reindeer.

Yeah.

Helen, here's my first question for you.

According to the Gospel according to St.

Luke, which of the following things did the flock-watching shepherds actually say?

Was it A,

are you sure that thing is a Messiah?

Because it's just done a really weird-looking dark green shit.

Was it B, it's 30 shekels for the pure will blanket.

Take it or leave it.

I can't go any lower.

I've got my own kids to feed and it's Christmas and little Ephraim wants a new donkey.

Was it C?

Let us now go even unto Bethlehem and see this thing which has come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.

Was it D?

Don't ask me where you can find a f ⁇ ing hospital, mate.

I'm working.

I'm on fing nights.

I'm fing knackered and I can't see my f ⁇ ing flock properly because it's f ⁇ ing night time.

Or was it E?

Can you not do that under a poncho or something?

I'm not comfortable with women breastfeeding in public.

I know it's natural and that, but it's nought B C and I'm not ready for it.

So what's your what's your instinctive E.

You think E?

Yeah, I think in those times, yeah, definitely not progressive about breastfeeding.

No, although a lot of people will tell you that there's no uh naught BC because I said it once, and uh, yeah, people get a bit riled about that.

It's important, isn't it?

That is uh, one of the biggest problems we face today.

But the problem is,

I mean, what do you call it?

You can't do you call it one BC or

minus

minus one

when it's he wasn't he wasn't born that year, Hell in.

Sorry.

I think this is fictional, but also because there wasn't a census that year.

So it's more likely he was born in 4 BC or 6 AD.

Well, baby's only born in years with censuses.

That's why they go to Bethlehem.

Right.

Because all the citizens had to participate in a census.

Oh, wow.

Otherwise, she could have stayed at home in Nazareth and had the baby at home in the birthing pool that she'd set up.

She'd not have done it online.

What have the baby online?

No, fill in the census form.

Well, it was dial-up in those days, so I mean, look,

if God has got her up the duff, he's going to pull a few strings, surely.

No, well, I mean, typical gets her pregnant and then just skips out on the aftercare.

Anyway, Buglers, write your answer down: A, B, C, D, or E.

Do you have a question?

Sure.

At the Zoltzmann household, which gift could you have expected to find in your Christmas stocking?

A.

Vitamin pills.

B, a waste paper basket.

Or C, a brick.

Well,

running back through my

catalogue of, because I keep an online record of every single Christmas gift I've ever received.

I'm just

checking that now.

Oh, yeah, I did get a lot of vitamin pills.

I'm going, I mean, instinctively, and without wanting to give the answer away,

I would think all of the above.

Yeah, but not in the same year because we weren't spoiled.

Right.

We've slightly given away the answer for that one.

But anyway, keep writing it down because there's a big prize, big prize to be had.

I've got another,

my second question for you.

Why might Rudolph not only have a red nose, but also a fear of gardening shears?

Is it A because he's had his nadges lopped off?

Was it B because in 1946, in a reindeer team, Sean of Blitzen and Donner, the two German-origin squad members who were then in Nuremberg fighting a court case,

clipped a chimney.

Rudolph did, taken off from a house in Wisconsin towards the end of the worldwide delivery run, crashed into a garden shed, took a pair of shears right in the shoulder at high speed.

Was it C, because as a child, Santa Claus used to cut the grass that Rudolph was about to graze on with shears right in front of his face when Rudolph was just a young child reindeer.

They would later credit Claus with toughening him up to become the team-leading reindeer he is today, capable of leading the physically grueling Christmas delivery run.

He still has psychological scars to do with shears.

So A, A, B, or C?

One of them was so long I've forgotten the other ones.

Well, I mean, A, I mean, I'm going to give the answer.

It was A.

Write that down.

The

male reindeers lose their antlers in winter.

So when you see Rudolph with antlers in all the Christmas pictures, that suggests

he had his nuts lopped off with a pair of garden shears.

Oh, right.

I mean, yeah, I mean, he might have been.

Yeah.

But then,

because the antlers, weren't they a mating thing?

So they could impress the ladies and also fight off the rival male reindeer.

And if he had been neutered, would he need to grow antlers at all?

Well, I don't know, but if he's got antlers, he's had his balls chopped off.

That's all I know.

I'm a scientist.

Ask Attenborough if he will.

All right.

And he had a red nose because apparently reindeers are very prone to uh uh nasal infections because they have a lot of mucus folds, really, yeah.

So he could have just been coming off of cold, in which case he shouldn't be working, yeah.

But you know, he's gonna get post-viral syndrome, he's on a zero-hours contract, isn't he?

It's not gonna take the day off.

When you've got one big job a year, you you play through the pain.

Well, he temps a lot the rest of the year.

What does he do?

Dater entry, really, yeah.

Is that why we eat dates at Christmas?

Yes, yes, Andy.

Do you have another question for us?

Do, I do.

Britain's queen of Christmas is Delia Smith, whose key to a successful Christmas dinner is meticulous preparation.

Andy, to be sure your turkey is ready on time, when does Delia say you should put it in the oven?

A.

Christmas Eve.

B.

Last Christmas, just after you took that turkey out.

Or C.

When Mary, Mother of God's contractions are four minutes apart.

What?

So you put the turkey in the oven as the bun in the oven is about to come out, essentially.

Yeah, 2,000 years ago.

Right.

I don't think it's that one.

I think Delia, she likes a slow cook and you want to make sure that turkey is ready.

So I'm going to, I think you, yeah, what you have

your traditional Christmas turkey oven.

Yep.

And you cook the turkey for

a year.

Yeah, and then it's definitely ready.

It's definitely ready.

And then you've got the whole year to prepare and write your lists.

Yeah.

There you go.

Check them more than twice because twice is for Slackers.

So she said, but she says Christmas Eve.

I'm clearly, I mean.

You brought a lot of bullshit to this quiz, Helen.

I thought that's what you wanted for Christmas.

That is not what this show is about.

I'm sorry to bring its name into bullshit's trough.

Right.

A bullshits trough, incidentally, was

the name of Ebenezer Scrooge in the first draft of Christmas Carol.

Here's my next question for you.

Who or what is or was

Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun?

Was it A, a 1970s prog rock album by the influential British group Venus Cheesehammer, co-performed with the US outfit the Fallopian Popes, was the platinum-selling follow-up to Venus Cheesehammer's debut album, Love Arrows from the Quiver of Thor.

The

record Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun was favourably compared to their great rivals, the Electricity Trouser, who hit number one that year with vomit stains on Satan's carpet.

Was it B?

Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun was the Roman midwinter festival that was a forerunner of Christmas, celebrating the sun god Sol Invictus.

Was it C, a code name for a World War II black ops op in which undercover Allied agents would shine incredibly bright giant torches through Hitler's bedroom window to disrupt his sleeping patterns?

Was it D, the kennel club name of Britney Spears Petroa bitpit,

officially known as Birthday of the Unconquerable Son?

Or was it E, the initial title of the hit children's book by Roger Hargreaves, Mr.

Happy?

I think D, definitely D.

D.

Every Britney fan knows.

Once again, it is all of the above.

Possibly with a slight emphasis on B.

You know, when you're telling a lie, Andy, you have to stop at some point.

Otherwise, people stop.

You just give yourself away.

Don't say that.

How do you say that at Christmas?

I mean, that's been going for for over 2,000 years now.

No one wants to stop it.

To say it's a lie is like to say any novel you've ever read.

They're all lies.

They're not lies.

It's just.

Look, this is how we ended up in this post-fat universe, Chris.

People like you.

I have one more question for you, Andy.

What does the Inn Where Jesus Was Born score on TripAdvisor?

Character falls shabby chic accommodation in a converted stable, five stars.

Frankincense in the mini bar makes the change from Pringles, four stars.

Shepherds stop by with their sheep.

Luckily, the place is pet-friendly.

Three stars.

The cattle are lowing.

The baby awakes.

Bad night's sleep.

Two stars.

They lost our reservation.

No room at the inn.

One star.

Oh.

I reckon two stars.

I mean, you don't want lowing cattle in a...

You don't.

I mean, does the listing say they were farm animals?

I mean, in an inn, you don't really expect it to be a full functioning farm as well.

Yeah, but then for some people that would be a bonus, something for the kids.

Right, and one of these like experience holidays where you go and know what it's like to live on a farm.

It's like some people will love that a pub has an adventure playground in the back.

Other people think day drinking is only for the over 40s.

Yeah, I mean if it's a choice between an adventure playground and a manger, I would take an adventure playground any day of the week.

Yeah, they could have wrapped Jesus in swaddling clothes and laid him on the scramble net.

Yes.

Testify.

Finally, I have one more question.

Oh, two more questions for you.

Okay.

Which of the following Christmas facts is least false?

Oh, God.

None of the above.

A.

The renowned Spanish bank Santander was set up by Santa Claus in Spain in 1857.

He created the Banco Santander.

alongside Rudolph and the other reindeers as co-directors to give his fans to save money through the year to spend at Christmas.

B

the tradition of the Christmas cracker evolved from the legendary octopus-like sea monster, the kraken.

A beached kraken washed up on the shore of Norfolk in England on Christmas Day 1532.

The local army battalion attempted to dispose of it by blowing it up with explosive, and as the bang went off, the creature's guts blasted open to reveal the remnants of a half-digested crown thought to be that of the lost Germanic Prince Ulfrich,

and all that that was left of which was the brightly coloured paper lining, as well as a set of now unusable playing cards and some tiny screwdrivers shrunk by the beast's stomach acids, plus what was assumed to be cryptic espionage messages but which later turned out to be just terrible puns.

That's the original of the Christmas kraken, hence later converted to Kraken.

C,

most Christmas trees are in fact not Christian.

Only 24% of all Christmas trees worldwide believe Jesus was the Son of God.

6% are Jewish.

31% of Christmas trees are Hindu, interestingly.

And 13% of Christmas trees describe themselves as non-religious spiritual.

Most of the rest are practicing pagans.

D,

in Poland, spiders or spiders' webs are common Christmas tree decorations because, according to legend, a spider wove a blanket for baby Jesus.

This legend is supported by the controversial and as yet unrecognized fifth gospel according to St.

Alvin, which reads in chapter 4, verse 3, and lo, Mary did suddenly sit bolt upright, and she did scream,

get that fing thing off my baby!

Get it off my baby!

And Joseph would say, chill out, Maz, it's just a daddy long legs.

Our mum used to use Christmas decorations to cover up the spider's webs in the house.

So which is least false of that lot?

I think the spider webs one is least false.

Yeah, that's actually true.

That's actually our false.

Least false?

100%.

100% unfalse.

That's a first view, isn't it?

Congratulations.

Yeah, thanks.

Well, most Christmas trees are not Christian.

That's also true.

Although some of the detail on that was maybe not factually verifiable.

I think most of them are just agnostic.

Yeah.

They think Richard Dawkins takes it too far.

And they're hedging their bets just

in case there is an afterlife.

I've got one more question for you.

Okay, great.

What do Jesus Christ, the renowned Christian Messiah and Christmas legend?

and England cricket captain Alistair Cook have in common?

Was it A, they both have their birthdays on Christmas Day?

Well, Jesus doesn't, so.

B, they're both associated with long, thin, rectangular bits of wood.

C

they both had run-ins with teammates, Christ with Judas Iscariot and Cook with his former batting partner, Kevin Peterson.

Oh, yeah, that one.

No doubt.

I'd say all three again.

All of the above.

But anyway, Buglers, send in your answers on a piece of parchment and we'll put them in the bin for you.

Mine are A-A-A-A, A-A-H-H-H exclamation mark.

Do you need us to call someone, Chris?

I'm really nervous about Christmas.

I always get really nervous about Christmas two days before Christmas.

Why?

It's just so much I still haven't done.

We're in life.

Yes.

You're like, it's Christmas and it all ends here.

You know, it's like, everyone wants the perfect Christmas, don't they?

I've got a drive on boxing day.

Are you you willing to accept seven out of ten then?

Yeah.

Then stop worrying.

Christmas feature section now.

Last minute Christmas shopping.

Now, obviously, most of you will probably have done your Christmas shopping by buying tickets for my Christmas show at Soho Theatre from the 20th of December, which has now passed by the time this is released, until the 7th of January, or my UK tour, or even my Melbourne Festival show, which isn't on sale yet.

And you have a DVD out.

Oh, yeah, thanks for that.

How many copies have you got to get rid of that?

I've got a couple of thousand in a box at home.

You do, and it's two years old.

So it was from a more innocent time.

It was.

Well, it's become an interesting historical document.

My DVD has just come out in time to slightly miss the Christmas rush.

Available at gofasterstripe.com.

But people are nostalgic at Christmas, so maybe they're thinking, oh, the Cameron Clegg Coalition, what was it?

Going back to those days of snowflakes.

Yeah, it was recorded in Cardiff in December 2014.

And it's just out for reasons of

personal disorganisation.

But anyway, it's available, gofasterstripe.com.

Anyway, if you've not bought either Tickets to My Show or my DVD, here is our official Bugle last Minute Christmas Presents Guide and Gift Catalogue.

Including one, I mean this, I've got one here, this lovely item here, Helen.

This is a canister of air from the year 2015.

Why not breathe some pure air from a pre-Brexit, pre-Trump world?

This nostalgic canister of air from 2015 could be just the thing you're looking for to cheer yourself up as we enter a world that cannot possibly be

mental as 2016.

Also, why not, a lot of people get subscriptions for Christmas now.

And yeah, subscription coffee, subscription wine.

Why not try a subscription auntie?

or uncle?

Are you bored of having the same old extended family year after year?

How about livening things up for yourself and your spouse and offsprings offsprings with a different aunt or uncle every month in 12 instalments?

A new temper aunt, an intervuncle from Family Fresheners range of certified and safety screened interim relations could brighten up those repetitious family gatherings or even just a basic dull weekend in with the kids.

And a Bugle exclusive promotion, just $11,995 for the year's subscription.

That's under $1,000 a month.

Just relatives must be fed at the purchaser's expense.

If that doesn't take your fancy, then we can offer you the sign your own treaty kits.

This is a great present for people who

like

international deals.

Are you bored of waiting for politicians to get their arses in gear and make major international agreements?

Then try the Negotiatics DIY Treaty Kit.

Choose from four different 40 card diplomacy packs, peace deal, trade agreement, commercial protocol or ethical convention.

You and the person, country, trade block or terror group you're dealing with simply choose seven demand cards each from each pack of from the pack of 40, which deal with everything from land borders, import tariffs and religious freedoms to financial reparations extradition agreements and the legal legal allowable length of carrots you then each choose to reject two of your opponent's demand cards out of hand and negotiate until you agree on two each of your own demands also to jettison the remaining six cards are placed face down each party randomly selects one more demand to be excluded from the treaty and the anger of the two parties involved then chooses another card at random from the pack to add to the final deal the five cards in the deal are then scanned into the accompanying negotiatics automatic small print generator to fill in all the troublesome minutiae that can take years for civil servants and policy wonks to haggle into being.

Hey, Presto, your international treaty in under 20 minutes.

The ideal gift for the special someone in your life who is also a high-ranking political or diplomatic official.

Bugle Christmas QA now.

Some of you have sent in Twitter queries to us via Twitter

about Christmas,

or indeed other things.

Simon Clode

asks,

What day will the world end next year?

I'd like to budget accordingly.

That would be a good thing about knowing when Armageddon is going to happen.

Just the absolute mayhem of people going on

sprees of various kinds.

It's going to be like one huge golf sale, isn't it?

That's in the book of Revelations, isn't it?

That will be something resembling an enormous global golf sale.

I think the world won't end next year because it wants to string out the misery a little longer.

So is that comfort or the opposite of that?

Anyway, spend all your money on a bunker.

A bunker?

Yeah, invest in your future.

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And tinned food and gaffer tape.

Jose MacPhisto asks, which of you two is greater at celebrating Christmas in the fashion least befitting your Jewish heritage?

Well,

I've already given Andy his Christmas present, which is a leg of Spanish ham.

So I think that makes us equal, doesn't it?

Yeah, that is, I mean, that's, yeah.

If we could get disinherited any more than

already, that would happen.

I mean, yeah, but

I don't see that as

I see that as building bridges, as trying to understand

how

other people live by eating high-quality Spanish ham for a couple of months.

It's good of you, Andy.

Yeah, I'm a hero.

Try and keep multiculturalism going with pork.

Also, Jose or Jose asks: Does Helen have any advice for the people of Slovakia this Christmas?

Well,

I hope that the people of Slovakia are going to be

generous and inclusive people of different cultures and faiths, because this month Slovakia passed legislation to stop Islam being recognised as an official religion, and they're not allowed to have any mosques.

There are, I think, 2,000 Muslims in Slovakia at the moment.

And the chairman of the Slovak National Party said

Islamization starts with a kebab.

And

we all know where kebabs lead to, Andy.

Bit of indigestion overnight.

Bit of indigestion overnight and full Sharia law.

Yeah.

Evidently.

Yeah.

So we must do everything we can so that no mosque is built in the future.

Right.

Which I think is a bit of a logical leap.

Well, that's what politics is all about these days.

I think Slovakia needs to accept the kebabs and the multi-faith.

Right.

In that order?

See how the kebab goes.

The kebab is what?

Gateway multiculturalism?

Well, apparently, it's either gateway multiculturalism or gateway radicalism.

Right.

Maybe they should just get rid of kebabs and let the Muslims have their mosque.

That's an interesting compromise.

No.

Don't get rid of kebabs.

I'm sitting here thinking how much I love a chicken kebab and wondering if it makes me sheer or sunny.

Oh, we need to check that on Wikipedia actually.

I'm not an expert.

This question, Helen, came from Chris Grigg, who asks, is nepotism becoming a problem in podcasting?

Who pods the podcasters?

What does that even mean?

Who pods the podcasters?

I don't know.

Things don't have to mean what they think they mean anymore.

I think it should mean more than nothing.

Right.

Yeah.

Cool, you're a dismiss that question.

Podcast means podcast.

Right.

That's pretty much the case.

Like, so it's another portmanteau word that a lot of people find objectionable.

What, podcast?

Yeah.

You're obsessed with portmanteau words.

You mentioned them last time you were on the show, didn't you?

Portmanteau words.

Well, they've defined our year, Andy.

And our industry.

Well, that brings us to the end of your Bugle 2016 Christmas special.

Helen, by the time this is published, you will be across the Atlantic.

What are you going to do?

An attempt to cure America of 2016?

I think I've got a good chance.

Right.

Or I reckon maybe I can inveigle my way into the cabinet.

Inveigle?

Yeah.

That's a good, that's a lovely word, isn't it?

Treat yourself.

Inveigling.

Right.

I mean, Trump does seem like the man who can be inveigled.

Can you invagle someone?

Is that a man?

You can now.

That's the world we've landed in now.

You can inveigle your way into someone.

Right.

Or a very important political role.

That's essentially what he did.

He invagled himself.

Yeah, or he was inveigled by foreign forces.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes.

We talked about that last week.

Well, it's all the rage to talk about that.

By last week, what I meant is about an hour ago as I record this.

Are you really ruining the mystery?

Sorry.

Yeah, showbiz.

What are you doing for Christmas, Andy?

There'll be some sport, I imagine.

The second test between Australia and Pakistan will be beginning at midnight on Christmas Day, our time.

So no doubt I'll sit up with

our parents and my children, and we'll watch

Pakistan be disappointingly inept in Australian conditions.

I'm sorry you won't be there to join us.

Just like the first Christmas.

Yeah.

Anyway, Buglers,

we have a week off next week between Christmas and New Year.

Chris, we'll put something out in that.

Can we put something out in that week?

Yeah, shall I?

Why not?

Right, well, have a great Christmas in America, Helen.

Do they celebrate Christmas in America?

I forget.

I know it's in films and stuff.

It seems popular

in the films and in the shops.

Right.

Enjoy your Christmas dinner.

Thanks, Andy.

Enjoy yours.

Yeah, we'll be eating a bit of cow, I think.

Oh, really?

Which bit?

Meaty bit.

It's big, sad eyes.

It's not its head or tail.

bit for me

with a tail

which is not for

six people to feed

anyway um can nibble it like a corncob together thank you for listening buglers there will be a show next week um

what it is i'm not prepared to say at this stage it's a surprise a sub bugle to take you through to new year uh and i'll be back early in january uh with harikondabolu then nishkumar then anuvad pal and then helen will be back as well end of january or beginning of february Lovely.

Thanks for listening this year.

It's been great fun to be back and have an absolutely sensational Christmas.

And I'll see you all at the Soho Theatre 20th to the 23rd of December.

Oh, that's gone.

28th to the 30th.

That still come up if you download this in time.

And 3rd to the 7th of January.

Bye-bye.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.