Bugle 4003 – Vote Rochelle

Speaker 1 I will be in Australia for the next few weeks, hoping that the cricket can provide the distraction for everyone that it has so successfully provided for me since I was six years old.

Speaker 1 If you want to come to my shows, there is a Bugle Live in Melbourne on the 22nd of December, where I'll be joined by Sammy Shar and Lloyd Langford.

Speaker 1 And I'm doing the Zoltgeist, my stand-up show in Melbourne on the 23rd of December.

Speaker 1 And we've just added a possibly optimistic extra show in Sydney on the 3rd of January. The 2nd of January show is sold out, but please, please, please come on the 3rd.

Speaker 1 My UK tour extension begins begins at the end of january all details and ticket links at andyzoltzman.co.uk

Speaker 2 the bugle audio newspaper for a visual world

Speaker 2 hello buglers and welcome to issue 4003 of the planet's leading chronicle of the history of the 21st century the bugle i am Andy Zoltzman. Just to prove it, here's my audio ID.

Speaker 2 Zoltzman, Andrew, United Kingdom.

Speaker 2 And I am live in London and joining me from across the pond in the Independent Republic of Transatlantia for his first appearance on the Bugle, putting him in joint third place in all-time Bugle co-host appearances.

Speaker 2 Appearing today alongside all-time number one, Andy Zoltzman, of course. It is comedian, actor, New Yorker, comedian, and five-time Wimbledon champion, Wyatt Sanak.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 Hello, Buglers.

Speaker 2 It feels very good as a five-time Wimbledon champ to be here with you all, not sweaty. I did look at your

Speaker 2 Wikipedia page, but then I remembered I preferred making things up than... That one's actually true.
Yeah, that one... Oh, sorry.
You didn't make that one up. That one is true.

Speaker 2 I've won Wimbledon five times. Was that in your Bjorn Borg years? Yeah.
How I won Wimbledon and in what category,

Speaker 2 that you'll have to discover, but I've won it. Trust that I've won it five times.
Okay. All right, my mistake.
Yeah. It's good to have an air of mystery.
Yeah. So welcome.
Welcome to

Speaker 2 the Bugle. It's

Speaker 2 great to have you on.

Speaker 2 You work with

Speaker 2 John Oliver, late of

Speaker 2 this parish for several years on the...

Speaker 2 on the daily show. It's great to have you stepping in to, I guess, his

Speaker 2 void, the void of humanity he leaves in his wake. Well, yeah, no.
Whenever there's a John Oliver-sized void,

Speaker 2 it's good to be thought of as one of the people who might be able to fill it.

Speaker 2 You promised me a John Oliver impression to get things started. Sure.

Speaker 2 Well, I did say if it was easier for you and easier for the buglers,

Speaker 2 having worked with John for so long,

Speaker 2 I...

Speaker 2 know his mannerisms. I do a pretty good impression of him.
I've actually, you know, sometimes taken phone calls on his behalf. So

Speaker 2 I'm happy to do the show as John Oliver if that's more comfortable for yourself and buglers alike.

Speaker 2 I mean, you don't need to do the whole show

Speaker 2 as John, but I mean, you could give us a little taste. Sure.
I mean,

Speaker 2 should we redo the intro as though it was

Speaker 2 okay? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Bugle after a prolonged hiatus.

Speaker 2 Mr. John Oliver.

Speaker 2 Hello, Buglers.

Speaker 2 It's me, John Oliver.

Speaker 2 So happy to be here.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, man.
What's that? That was Blitz Bugle.

Speaker 2 It's giving me goosebumps, bringing back soap, getting flashbacks.

Speaker 2 I love Liverpool soccer.

Speaker 2 They're my favourite footy team.

Speaker 2 I think that's pretty good. That was strong.
Very, very strong. Very strong.

Speaker 2 So this is Bugle issue 4003, the third issue of

Speaker 2 phase two for the week beginning Monday the 7th of November. We were recording Friday the 4th of November.

Speaker 2 Amazing to think if Chris and I had been here, right here in London, just 411 short years ago and we'd been members of parliaments or monarchs, thinking of tootling down the road to Westminster a mile or so away the next day for a cheeky little opening of parliaments.

Speaker 2 We could have been just 24 hours away from not being blown up by Guy Fawkes and the gunpowder gang. 25 years since the KGB went out of business in 1991.

Speaker 2 And to commemorate this, we present a new translation of the KGB Collected Book of Poetry.

Speaker 2 There you go, hope you enjoyed it. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

Speaker 2 This week, a music section, and we look at the growing nursing home rock movement that is taking music by storm as an older generation of Codgers and Codgerettes starts bursting through.

Speaker 2 We review the new album from Coffin Dogs. It's called Hoss Pissing in the Wind.
Norbert and the Necropolitans with their new album, Deathbed Splutter Rage.

Speaker 2 And we'll be looking in particular at the single coming out of Deathbed Splutter Race from Norbert and the Necros. Double A-side.

Speaker 2 Well firstly I'm in a fantastic post-industrial Baroque influence Grimeskagger proto-funk stylings of Change My Bag brackets or I'll haunt you.

Speaker 2 That blends seamlessly into the bile-fueled Granite House shit metal fusion anthem of intergenerational animosity. I'm past the point of caring, you stupid young f ⁇ ks.

Speaker 2 We also look at the big single this week, Doreen Dodge's death with her chart-topping Don't Unplug Me until I've told me my grandson he's a dick.

Speaker 2 And the non-agenic, the non-agenic Derek's uh feed me to the worms. That's a proper blast of environmentally aware murder grunge with overtones of 1990s Detroit urban grot rockers filth stains.

Speaker 2 Also we interview Professor Wrinkle and the Drools, the famous Disco Blues outfits, famous of course for their chart topping I'm stiff, you're stuffed.

Speaker 2 And talking to their new lead guitarist, Enid Attlewood, reminiscent of a young Joan Jets. And she's playing alongside old Basil Himperwick, also known by his stage name of Dr.
Liverspots.

Speaker 2 That section is going in the bin alongside our micromedia features section with the world reeling from the news that Vine, the social media video sharing app that finally, finally enabled humanity to share six-second video clips, an evolutionary thirst finally quenched some 40,000 years after cavemen started trying to paint little six-second video clips of animals on the insides of their caves.

Speaker 2 Vine is at an end.

Speaker 2 Sad, I don't know if you've ever used Vine, Wyatt. It's slightly too 21st century for me.

Speaker 2 I'm sad that now that it's dead, I've never gotten the chance to use it.

Speaker 2 Life is full of regrets. It really is.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I live my regrets six seconds at a time.

Speaker 2 Vine sadly at an end, and its many trillions of users will be forced to return to making five-hour-long art house movies and 12-part documentary series. Very sad.

Speaker 2 But we've always known on this show, the future is all about audio, not the passing video fad.

Speaker 2 And whilst Vine may have gone the way of all social media flesh, here in our special micro-media pull-out section, which I'm afraid is going in the bin, we look at the hugely successful one-syllable nano-podcasting app Grunt, recently valued as being worth $128.3 billion in a potential stock flotation.

Speaker 2 That's slightly more than our new host's Radiotopia. Here are some of the recent highlights from Grunt.

Speaker 2 This is from the new true crime nanopodcast, Hack.

Speaker 2 This is the episode of Sclut and Malvaine's new foodie nanopod, Chomp, in which Malvain tries rat car patio. Ah!

Speaker 2 This from the right-wing shock jock, Grenard Strafe, and his one-syllable podcast,

Speaker 2 and this special interview

Speaker 2 from Hillary Clinton's campaign manager.

Speaker 2 That section in the pin.

Speaker 2 Top story this week and hang up your stockings, people, as we record.

Speaker 2 It is only four more sleeps until presidential election day for harrowing, haunted, broken sleeps punctuated by waking up in a cold sweat every hour screaming, how the f has it come to this?

Speaker 2 Wyatt, you are our correspondence on the ground in America.

Speaker 2 How is the nation coping with the imminence of Decision Day? I think at this point it's exhaustion, Andy.

Speaker 2 I think it is that sort of final stretch of a marathon where you can see the finish line, but you can also see nearby there's a Starbucks. And

Speaker 2 you're trying to decide, is it worth finishing and getting that silver blanket?

Speaker 2 Or should I just walk over to that Starbucks and say, you know what, I tried.

Speaker 2 If it was presented to America as a nation that they could just cancel the election at very short notice,

Speaker 2 the Starbucks option, and just have a pumpkin left over from Halloween as... acting president for the next four years.

Speaker 2 Do you think that would I mean that would actually be be more popular than the options on the ticket? Yes, a rotting pumpkin, I think at this point,

Speaker 2 it would probably appease both sides. Obviously, there are sides that are pro-Trump, there are sides that are pro-Hillary.
But at this moment, I think the dangerous thing right now is like

Speaker 2 everyone kind of keeps talking about, yeah, whoever wins, there's still going to be half the people who are really upset.

Speaker 2 And depending on how that goes, if it's Trump, it's a lot of people who are going to be really upset who are going to stop making T V shows and movies. And then if it's and just take those to Canada.

Speaker 2 And if it's Hillary Clinton, it's a lot of people who are going to be angry and upset. And they're going to buy a bunch of AR-15s and maybe not use them, but just terrify everyone on the highway.

Speaker 2 Right. So, I mean, it's a pretty optimistic future you're painting the United States.
Right, yeah. But with Rotting Pumpkin, everyone's like, hey, it's a rotting pumpkin.

Speaker 2 Like, it's what's going to happen? Like, it looks like

Speaker 2 that little creepy half-toothed smile it has is starting to turn into a frown. Oh, look at that.
Oh, rotting pumpkin. Oh, it's got flies now.
Look at that, reaching across party lines. It's got flies.

Speaker 2 It's got roaches. Rotting pumpkin really is the great uniter this country needs.
Wow, I mean, that's, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's that's what Abraham Lincoln always dreamed of. Yeah.
Being replaced by a slowly decomposing vegetable. So, I mean, the two options, clearly.

Speaker 2 I mean, I mean, Gary Johnson does appear to have left his charge slightly late as the Libertarian Party candidate.

Speaker 2 Trump has come in in the betting this week, alarmingly.

Speaker 2 He's now two to one. When we recorded last week, he was about five to one.

Speaker 2 So he is now 2,500 times more likely to become president than Leicester City were to win the Premier League title that they did actually win last year. So that's close to a racing certainty.

Speaker 2 Whoever wins, Wyatt, it does seem that they are set to be America's least popular president ever within about 0.2 seconds of swearing the oath of office on the 20th of January. True.

Speaker 2 You've got Hillary Clinton, who is a good politician. Like, she's a seasoned politician.

Speaker 2 She knows the game. And there is a transformative thing of she could be the first female president.

Speaker 2 But there's a sense, I feel like, where people are like,

Speaker 2 yeah, we want history,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 could it be,

Speaker 2 could it be another person?

Speaker 2 Like we like, she's cool, but like, what's her, like, what's her daughter doing? Is her daughter available? Or is Elizabeth Warren? What about her granddaughter?

Speaker 2 Like, we do want, like, we want to be a part of history, but

Speaker 2 I don't know if we want her.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I don't know if it's because she wants it so badly that people are now finding like fault in her of like, eh, she just wants it too hard. Like, is there somebody else that we could just root for?

Speaker 2 I feel like she's become the Tim Tebow of

Speaker 2 presidential candidates in that like there are people who just like Tim Tebow was such a polarizing figure as far as like, oh, he's a a decent football player, but he just wants to be a quarterback so badly that there were enough people that were like, nah,

Speaker 2 no,

Speaker 2 no, no,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 Anyone who wants to be president should automatically rule themselves out. Yes.
Of being president. Yeah.
If you want the job, you should

Speaker 2 not be given the job. or be allowed to run for it.
It feels as though the way the president should be determined in this country is

Speaker 2 on a given day at like two in the morning, someone will knock on your door and wake you up and they'll say, hey, you're president. And your response will be, well, wait a minute.
No,

Speaker 2 I work at McDonald's. Yeah.
And you've done a great job there, but now your country needs you.

Speaker 2 I mean, to be honest, that would not be

Speaker 2 any worse or even any less logical than the current system for deciding presidents, which is essentially to have an absolute shitload of money and no shame whatsoever. Right, yeah, no.

Speaker 2 It's two sides of the same coin, really.

Speaker 2 It is, but at the same time, I bet you if you woke up Rochelle from McDonald's at 2 in the morning and said, look, put on your hat, put on your McDonald's shirt, we're taking you to the White House, you're now the president.

Speaker 2 I have a feeling she could do a good job. She's going to reach across party aisle.

Speaker 2 I think she'd do fine. Because at the same time, too, she probably will say, like, look,

Speaker 2 I'm not going to couch out to lobbyists, but I know how to make deals.

Speaker 2 I'll give you some supersized fries if you guys would just be willing to talk about gun control.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's that, maybe that, maybe that, that, that level of simple negotiation is what is needed to

Speaker 2 cut through the many barriers in American politics. It's amazing what you can get done with french fries.

Speaker 2 You can get a child to shut up in a car with french fries.

Speaker 2 How much research have you done for that line, Wyatt?

Speaker 2 Whose children that you have? That's

Speaker 2 what I tend to just get in cars with children

Speaker 2 and just offer them french fries. And it works pretty well.
Like as a scientific experiment, it works very well. As just a thing, personally,

Speaker 2 in my life and my criminal record, it's not particularly good. Right.
Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 2 we have a sharing economy now.

Speaker 2 That's not logically that far away from Uber, is it? You know, just forcibly getting into someone's car with a bag of fries. Yeah, and just saying, like, this is, no, I'm starting an app called Fryer.

Speaker 2 And I just bring fries to children to shut them up. You're welcome.

Speaker 2 Do you know, I think 99% of all parents in the world would sign up for that instantly. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ooh, we just made an app, Andy.

Speaker 2 Did John Oliver ever do that? No, I didn't. I didn't.

Speaker 2 We find it hard over here in Britain to understand quite the depth of loathing for Hillary Clinton that there is in America because objectively and without following following her career too closely she seems you know quite quite an impressive politician as you say quite an impressive and well qualified candidate is it a question of over familiarity breeding a deep deep visceral contempt you know better the devil you know absolutely nothing about in Trump who apparently also knows nothing about most things is that is that the way America seems to be going I think it's I think it's a mix of things I think there's a huge part of it that is

Speaker 2 she's a lady

Speaker 2 I don't know if you know this, Andy, but in this country, we don't treat ladies well.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's just it's a thing that it's a thing that we've been doing for a while. All right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It seems that most Republicans see Hillary as some kind of cross between Al Capone, Lenin, the Emperor Nero, and B.L. Zebub himself, but female, so...

Speaker 2 even worse. And I have just checked the stats on that.
She does have way over the average number of ovaries for a presidential candidate.

Speaker 2 The average to date of all serving presidents is zero ovaries per American president. There were rumors about Calvin Coolidge, but nothing was ever proven.

Speaker 2 And they

Speaker 2 seem to think that essentially if you unscrew the top half of Hillary from the bottom half, she will split apart to reveal a little Mikhail Gorbachev. And he'll have a little...

Speaker 2 Leonard Brezhnev inside and he'll have a Stalin inside and then inside him will be a little Jeremy Corbyn. Sorry, Lenin.
Lenin. I'm always getting those two mixed up.

Speaker 2 I need to change my newspaper subscription.

Speaker 2 The FBI schemazzle this week was

Speaker 2 kind of strange. It appears that the director, James Comey, just got kind of bored.
The campaign seemed to be fizzling out. Trump was well behind.

Speaker 2 And he just thought to himself, well, the democracy fans want to see a contest. I'm going to drop any pretense of political neutrality and try and try and f things up for the last 10 days.

Speaker 2 The third act is starting to, it's just, it's starting to get predictable. Why not? Yeah, why not throw just a little extra a little extra climax into this movie?

Speaker 2 There were some quotes from anonymous FBI agents in a newspaper article.

Speaker 2 One

Speaker 2 said the FBI is Trumpland.

Speaker 2 And what a theme park that would be.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Unless you're a woman, I suppose.

Speaker 2 And another FBI agent was quoted as saying that Mrs. Clinton is, quotes, the Antichrist personified to a large swathe of FBI personnel.
I mean, is there any evidence for this?

Speaker 2 Is she a genuine Antichrist or is this more scaremongering? I mean, the FBI clearly wouldn't make something like that up.

Speaker 2 They have access to all the information in the world. Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 2 I would trust the FBI. If they say she's an Antichrist.

Speaker 2 And specifically, an Antichrist, which means that there's a bunch of Antichrists out there.

Speaker 2 The franchise. Yeah, there's, you know, do we know, is that three Antichrists? Is that 70?

Speaker 2 Is that 2 million Antichrists?

Speaker 2 It's like World Boxing Championships, isn't it? They just kind of proliferate. You know,

Speaker 2 who's really the good one? Yeah, I missed the days when there was just one Antichrist.

Speaker 2 That's what I want to go back to. I want to go back to that America when there was just one Antichrist and we all knew who it was Captain Kangaroo

Speaker 2 well we at the Bugle have never shied away from investigative journalism so we had to find out one way or the other is Hillary Clinton actually the Antichrist so I spoke to Fox News's medieval art expert Freston Glarot

Speaker 2 Professor Glarot thank you very much for uh talking to us you are an expert in medieval religious art yes Andy that is correct and you believe you have evidence that Hillary is is the Antichrist?

Speaker 2 Andy, if you look at the 14th century frescoes by the great Italian painter Giotto in the Ian Greg and Trevor Chapel in Italy somewhere, or maybe Australia, well, you can quite clearly see that the devil in those pictures is obviously Hillary Clinton.

Speaker 2 Is that so, Professor? Yes, Andy, it is. I mean,

Speaker 2 it doesn't look anything like her. It is her.
Lock her up.

Speaker 2 Now, looking ahead, people have done, there's this obsession in America with the first 100 days of a new president.

Speaker 2 And particularly this time, the imagination runs absolutely wild as to what Trump may achieve

Speaker 2 for the world in 100 days from the 20th of January when he takes over. I mean, how do you see a potential Trump presidency panning out in those first three and a bit months?

Speaker 2 I mean, I think his first thing he'll do is repeal Obamacare. As he's said over and over,

Speaker 2 he's going to get rid of that. And my guess is he'll probably replace that with

Speaker 2 booths around the country where you can grab a woman's vagina.

Speaker 2 I think they might just take old telephone booths and

Speaker 2 he'll see that as growing the economy, that he'll hire women to sit in telephone booths so guys who aren't as famous as him can feel famous and just walk into a booth and grab a lady in the vagina and then go about their day.

Speaker 2 I mean, that is, I mean, that's protected by, that's a Second Amendment right, isn't it, isn't it, in the small print? Yeah. And so that'll be, he'll, I think that's A, he gets rid of Obamacare.

Speaker 2 He uses that money for job creation,

Speaker 2 giving jobs to ladies' vaginas.

Speaker 2 I'm sure on some level he'll see that as some kind of women's health care as well.

Speaker 2 Feminism. Feminism gone mad.
Yeah. No, I think he's,

Speaker 2 as he said, he's, you know, he cares about women. He's promised to put Hillary Clinton in jail.
I think in 100 days, she'll not only be in jail, she'll run the yard.

Speaker 2 You know, she's a doer. She gets things done.

Speaker 2 She'll be the boss of the jail. She will be running it fairly efficiently.
She'll have a bunch of teardrop tattoos.

Speaker 2 The prison will be running in a way that it hasn't run before.

Speaker 2 And Trump will take credit for that. That, you know, look, he made prison reform happen.

Speaker 2 One thing that we didn't talk about before with the FBI as well was

Speaker 2 who would have thought that the FBI and Russian hackers would both be sort of on the same page as far as their presidential pick, but they seem at this point to be working together.

Speaker 2 So I feel like at that point in the hundred days, maybe that just gets brokered totally. And it's quite it's an it's an odd it's been an odd marriage, isn't it? The FBI and Russian.

Speaker 2 Russian hackers. That's like some kind of hip-hop duet.
I don't know, Tupac Shakur and Madeline Albright. Like Toby Keith and Nelly.
It just

Speaker 2 kind of like, I didn't really need either of you, but I especially didn't need you both together.

Speaker 2 You just put peanut butter in my jellyfish.

Speaker 2 I've just run a computer simulation, actually, as to what will happen if Trump wins.

Speaker 2 This is using official United Nations software, and it does suggest that by the 21st of January, the day after the inauguration, Mexico will will have built a moat across the entire border with America, a two-mile moat protecting it from all the fleeing Democrats.

Speaker 2 The UN Security Council will have voted to replace America with Luxembourg just to calm the planet down.

Speaker 2 Vladimir Putin will have been admitted to hospital in Moscow after high-fiving himself so hard that he dislocates both wrists. Oh, that's a shame.

Speaker 2 And the last surviving breeding pair of the near-extinct Somerset Drenched Rhinoceros is found dead in an apparent murder-suicide with a note next to it saying, we are done with this planet.

Speaker 2 Is they good for that rhino? A Trump acceptance speech is something that I would, I mean, I think it is almost worth, even as a Trump skeptic,

Speaker 2 it is worth America voting for Trump just to see what he says in an inauguration speech in January. I mean, that could be one of the greatest moments in the history of human speech.
Donald Trump.

Speaker 2 giving an inauguration address.

Speaker 2 That is something for the whole of humanity to simultaneously enjoy and be chilled to the core by.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I would hope during the course of it, he would just get out a $100 bill and hand it over to Ben Carson and say, I lost the bet.

Speaker 2 I did everything in my power not to become president and none of it worked. Seriously, absolutely everything apart from digging up Martha Washington and masturbating over her dead, dead corpse.

Speaker 2 There's almost nothing else he could have done.

Speaker 2 How is he still in the running white? I don't understand.

Speaker 2 I don't either. It is, it does feel like it really says something.
At this point, I think

Speaker 2 masturbating on the on the remains of Martha Washington,

Speaker 2 he'd still,

Speaker 2 there'd still be people who says, yep, he has a chance. Like he's,

Speaker 2 he could, he could do a hit and run and just like kill a bunch of people with his car. And somebody will still say,

Speaker 2 yeah, but

Speaker 2 he's going to fix the system.

Speaker 2 He'll still, and those people probably deserve to die.

Speaker 2 He's only doing what ordinary Americans want to do to cues of pedestrians. Yeah, we all want to live in a West world and he just wants to bring it to us.

Speaker 2 On the computer simulation of the inauguration speech that I've just run through the UN software,

Speaker 2 Trump delights his supporters on the 20th of January by announcing which female world leaders he intends to f ⁇ during his first four-year term and announces plans to give the Statue of Liberty breast implants by 2019.

Speaker 2 He also announces a plan to rid the world of nuclear weapons in a new scheme, Use It or Lose It, in which nations have to either fire them or get rid of them, and pledges to force the 4,000-metre-high dormant Hawaiian volcano, Mount Maunakia, to erupt by 2022 or be dismantled and sold off for scrap.

Speaker 2 There's no point having volcanoes, Trump will say, if you don't use them. I think the other question with Trump is how soon into the first hundred days does he divorce Melania?

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 yeah, you were, you were apprenticed host hot. Like, you were apprenticed host wife hot.

Speaker 2 You're not first lady hot enough for me. I need to go younger.

Speaker 2 Every year,

Speaker 2 I will bring, I will have a new first lady every six months to a year.

Speaker 2 I mean, this podcast is going out before the voting. I think that might swing it.
That idea

Speaker 2 could swing it in favor of Trump. I think the American public would

Speaker 2 love that. They are sick of, you know, the same old first lady staying in the White House for four or eight years.
You know, we live in the Tinder age, Wyatt. Yeah.
And presidents should reflect that.

Speaker 2 Otherwise, they are not representing their people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A president should be ready at 3 a.m. to get the 3 a.m.
phone call or just be down to f.

Speaker 2 I think that's, you know,

Speaker 2 we all assume that 3 a.m. phone call is about,

Speaker 2 you know, a sort of war or some sort of military exercise. Maybe it's a sexual one.
And

Speaker 2 when Trump keeps talking about Hillary Clinton doesn't have the stamina, perhaps that's what he's actually suggesting

Speaker 2 is that he has the stamina at 3 in the morning. If

Speaker 2 somebody wants to get down and get a little crazy he'll take a quick shower if you want him to

Speaker 2 oh this is conjuring up some images that are going to be extremely hard to shift from uh from my head

Speaker 2 you're welcome

Speaker 2 you're yeah thanks no i appreciate that

Speaker 2 sleep news now and a study of 13 countries has showed that people living in the united kingdom are the most knackered of those people. A third, more than a third of British people

Speaker 2 feel they do not get enough sleep. 37%, in fact, what I want to know is who are the other finging 63%?

Speaker 2 I have never met them. They're hiding away in their bedrooms, probably.
Americans were the fourth worst sleepers on that list, following Ireland and Canada.

Speaker 2 And I can understand that if I was Canada right now, I would be struggling to get to sleep.

Speaker 2 I mean, Wyatt, as an American,

Speaker 2 are you a high-quality sleeper?

Speaker 2 Do you like to stay awake worrying about the future of the entire planet? I tend to like to stay awake. I mean, I think

Speaker 2 apparently, though, not enough,

Speaker 2 you guys are crushing us.

Speaker 2 I feel a little inferior as an American. We spend so much time trying to be number one at everything.

Speaker 2 I thought for sure we'd be number one at sleep deprivation.

Speaker 2 And here we're not. You guys, this is still.
Congratulations. This is your empire.
Certainly.

Speaker 2 I mean, well, you guys use it as a torture technique, and we've used it as a lifestyle choice, essentially. Yeah.
Why are you so tired, Andy?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, that's a mixture of a number of things, largely due to the fact that I made the strategic error of having children. That was a grievous, grievous mistake.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They don't listen to the podcast, do they?

Speaker 2 Not yet, no. All right, good.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Maybe don't play this episode for them.
Oh, it's nothing that I haven't already said to their faces.

Speaker 2 Oh, sure, yes. Yeah,

Speaker 2 well, then that's fine. Yeah, that's fine, it's fine.

Speaker 2 Uh, there's a quote from the article that says, um, the essence of the problem is that British people see sleep as disposable, the thing to do after everything, after you've done everything else.

Speaker 2 And it might also explain why we are so cranky about everything, in particular, Europe. Now, this week, um,

Speaker 2 here in London, democracy has come under threat as never before. The nation is in turmoil.
And it turns out we might as well have waved the Luftwaffe down in 1940 and made them a giant cup of tea

Speaker 2 because some of the highest judges in the land have decided that the government has to run a major piece of legislation through parliament.

Speaker 2 Now, this has been portrayed as a full-on assault on the fundamentals of democracy, freedom, and everything we hold dear as a nation. These are strange times.

Speaker 2 That lack of sleep might explain why we are so cranky as evidenced in the aftermath of the Article 50 judicial ruling in which three apparently massively traitorous judges, some of the highest judges in the land, decided against all the principles of British democracy that the government has to run a piece of major legislation through parliament.

Speaker 2 This nation has been shocked to its core, as you can probably imagine, democracy under threat from within. The nation in turmoil that democracy is fighting itself in the face.

Speaker 2 We will have more on this next week if Britain still exists as a nation. Good luck.
I hope you're still around.

Speaker 2 It's not looking good at the moment, to be honest. I mean, the reaction of a lot of our newspapers suggests that essentially this is a front for the Nazis invading again, I think.

Speaker 2 So we are basically just watching the skies carefully at the moment because that seems to be what this whole Brexit thing is all about.

Speaker 2 Your emails now, and well, there are no your emails because I haven't yet set up a new email address after the previous email address appeared to be infected by certain internet issues.

Speaker 2 But some of you did send in tweets. I will set up a new email address and

Speaker 2 tweet out the details. I said, no, that would be asking for trouble, wouldn't it? Anyway, but we got so many date requests last time.

Speaker 2 Can we can we just set an email address up but not tell anybody what it is? Right, okay. You're just gonna have to guess what it is.

Speaker 2 Um, but do not use the old info at the Bugle podcast one because that is frankly suitable only for chemical warfare. Uh, but we had um some interesting questions, uh, Wyatt.

Speaker 2 Um, Johnny Davies asks, why is Donald Trump refusing to allow the English footballers to wear poppies in next week's match versus Scotland. So I don't know if you follow, there's a big controversy.

Speaker 2 FIFA tried to stop the England and Scotland teams wearing commemorative poppies as we were on the Remembrance Day to remember those who died in wars.

Speaker 2 And FIFA decided this was an act of overt political protest or something. And it was interesting now that

Speaker 2 Johnny there has blamed it on Donald Trump. I mean,

Speaker 2 is that fair, do you think? As does Trump's tentacles. I mean, he has come over here with his golf courses and stuff.

Speaker 2 He's basically running the world now, isn't he? I feel like there's two things at work there. I feel like Donald Trump is maybe

Speaker 2 somebody who is very much against remembering anything.

Speaker 2 I think if you see just this current campaign, it's remembering things that gets him in trouble. Not him remembering things, but other people remembering things about him.

Speaker 2 I think there's a lot to be said for that. Yeah.
So I think there's,

Speaker 2 on the one hand, you have that.

Speaker 2 On the other hand, I think he's also, he's put his name on so many things that he doesn't like the idea of anyone else being able to brand anything without him getting a crack at it.

Speaker 2 So the Trump poppy. Yeah.
So that

Speaker 2 we can remember the sacrifice made in the First and Second World Wars and other conflicts, but at the same time also

Speaker 2 pay tribute to the world's leading human being. He just wants you to have a quality poppy, a Trump poppy.

Speaker 2 This question came in from Andy Wright, who asks, how do you feel about the World Series of baseball once again being dominated by the Americans? We'll play everybody in the world.

Speaker 2 It's just that you all keep forfeiting your games. I was pulling for the Cubs,

Speaker 2 but also

Speaker 2 because I was pulling for the Cubs because it was a good story, but also

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 I feel like worse than the curse of a billy goat is the curse of having an incredibly racist mascot. And

Speaker 2 it felt like,

Speaker 2 oh, that can't be, that can't be what this country gets.

Speaker 2 Oh, congratulations. Look at how far we've come.

Speaker 2 We've got a weird, super old, racist drawing that is going to be on every newspaper and all over TV and being sold as sports illustrated commemorative memorabilia.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I was rooting more against racism than

Speaker 2 I was against history. Thank you for those.
There will be, yeah, do send more in next week when we have an email address, if it's set up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I might tell you what it is. It'll be at the Bugle podcast.

Speaker 2 So I'll tweet the first bit of the word, but not the entire email address, because that appears to be the way to an inbox full of filth.

Speaker 2 That brings us to the end of this week's Bugle. Thanks, Wyatt, for joining us.

Speaker 2 Have you got any gigs coming up people can come and see you at? If you're in New York, I host a stand-up show every Monday at a place called Littlefield. The show is called Night Train.

Speaker 2 It's a fun time.

Speaker 2 John Oliver has been there. Yes, I have.
I've been there a bunch. I enjoy it.

Speaker 2 If you're not in Brooklyn, New York, but you have access to Amazon,

Speaker 2 we filmed a season of Night Train that you can see on Amazon

Speaker 2 through the digital streaming service called CISO. There you go.
Consider that a plug. Thanks very much for joining us.
Hopefully we'll

Speaker 2 be at some point in the near future. We'll be back next week with Hari Kondabolu returning for the autopsy on whatever happens on Tuesday.
Good luck, America. Vote hard and vote often.

Speaker 2 And Wyatt, I hope your country still exists for us to talk again in future. And I hope yours does, too.

Speaker 2 Well, let's just meet on like a floating platform in the middle of the Atlantic and just rebuild a new utopia. There is that garbage island that everyone keeps talking about.
That'll do.

Speaker 2 Let's start with that.

Speaker 2 That is a good starting point. Are you interested in sponsoring the bugle? Of course you might be.

Speaker 2 If so, please email sponsor at radiotopia.fm to reach an audience of the world's most discerning people.

Speaker 2 The bugle is a proud member of Radiotopia from PRX, made possible with great support from our founding sponsors, the Knight Foundation and MailChimp, celebrating creativity, chaos, and teamwork.

Speaker 2 Thank you for listening, Buglers. Until next time, goodbye.