Bugle 278 – SpaceCats: The Search For Merch

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 278 of the B U G L E.

B U G L it is B bullshit.

It is you.

Unbelievable in the literal sense, especially coming from two men with a combined age of nearly 80.

It is G, good, for filling in the odd half hour between now and Oblivion.

It is L.

Largely pointless.

It is easily the best and only audio scraper for a visual world currently in its eighth year of audio publication.

B-U-G-L-E.

There you go.

Bit of disco, get us started this week, everyone.

This, of course, being the historic 2000th anniversary of the invention of disco music.

Of course, Latin word meaning I learn.

And the ancient Romans discovered that children absorbed 327% more information.

Sorry.

And of course the ancient Romans discovered that children absorbed, coincidentally, 278% more information whilst

boogieing, which is the number of

this bugle.

Boogie, of course, is also a Latin word meaning to be carried away by an unquenchable groove.

I am Zaltor the Merciless, Slayer of the Dead, someone's got to do it, in London, and joining me from the city that does sometimes sleep.

But if it is ever caught snoozing, it just claims it was resting its eyes for a couple of minutes.

New York!

It's the satirical sausage maker mashing up the entrails of news, chucking in his secret blend of spice and making it at least digestible.

It's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

I am tired.

I am very tired.

I've had I've had a hectic week, Andy.

My show finished its season on Sunday and we went out with a bang, or more accurately with a slap, because our final shock featured a montage of people having fish fire to their faces from a salmon cannon.

And I cannot encourage everyone enough to go and look at it online because it is objectively very funny.

Obviously, comedy is subjective, Andy, but I'll tell you what's not subjective, and that's how funny it is to see a human being have a fake fish smash them straight in the chops.

That is scientifically funny.

If you don't laugh at that, there is something wrong with you that's nothing to do with the fish cannon.

And then, why a fake fish, John?

Why don't you use real fish?

Well, because we had to.

That was a discussion, Right.

So, yeah, don't think that was not a discussion, but we had to.

Some of the fish slaps were international.

Oh, I see, right.

So,

yeah, we couldn't really send a live salmon in a tank.

That was a level of logistics that just seemed even more irresponsible than the whole process already was.

Then this week, I had to go down to DC on Veterans Day to introduce a band.

in front of hundreds of thousands of people at a gigantic concert on the mall.

The concert featured the likes Andy of Metallica, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, Eminem, John Oliver and Rihanna.

Now

you do not have to be watching Sesame Street to know that one of those kids is not like the others Andy one of those kids is doing their own thing and it is frankly It's not often that you get me and Rihanna in the same place.

Oliver and Riri are usually kept apart.

And I will say, she's an amazing singer, Andy.

So much so.

I think I'm a Rihanna fan now.

Really?

I didn't see that coming.

Right.

Yeah.

She's also, I think,

I think she's the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

More beautiful than George Clooney, because you were quite smitten with him, weren't you?

Sometimes

it's a different kind of beauty.

Right.

Because George Clooney's like a fine oak tree.

Right.

Where you think, oh, it's old, but

it has a majesty to it.

Rihanna, you just think, well, if everyone looked like Rihanna, no one would have a problem with anything.

She's quite a cricket.

She's a cricket fan as well, isn't she?

She is.

She's a cricket fan.

So you like her as well, Andy.

She's amazing.

I'll try amusing.

She's really, she's amazing.

Shame break like a diamond.

I didn't even think I liked that song.

Shame brape like a diamond.

I'm beautiful like a diamond in the sky.

Shame break like a diamond.

Very pretty lady.

Thankfully, I just had to do a quick introduction to the black keys before doing exactly what the audience deeply wanted me to do, which is get off the stage.

That I could do.

Right.

I, by coincidence, was entertaining 35 people in an art centre in Corsham near Chippenham, just off the edge.

Oh, Andy, I think I was entertaining about 35 people.

This resulted in front of about 400,000.

It was a lovely gig, the Corsham gig.

But it didn't all feature Rihanna, who was

cancelled the previous day.

She's a good singer.

I'm a Rihanna fan.

I think I'm a Rihanna fan.

Right.

God, I didn't start the week that way.

No.

Well, you've changed, John.

Yeah.

I think I'm a Rihanna fan.

This is just a shocking confession.

I think this is the most confessional you've ever been in seven years.

I think I like Rihanna.

I don't think I'm a Rihanna fan.

Right.

I think I like Rihanna.

I'm literally rowing back, and it's like you're trying to deny yourself now.

The passion in his rendition there, though, says otherwise, you know.

Right.

Shane's Ray Packard Damon.

Yeah.

This guy's very catchy.

We have our.

I've been doing that all week.

Shane

Our reserve producer, Rich, is here.

Now, you're a professional musician.

Hello, Buglers.

Yes, I am.

Of course.

What's your view on Rihanna?

What do you think, Rich?

What do you think of Rihanna?

Am I off base here?

She's a good singer.

Yeah, of course.

I'm not a big fan of Urvra.

I couldn't really comment.

I can tell the difference when John's performing there.

I mean, who would win in a fight?

Like a proper physical fight between her and Vera Lynn?

That's what I want to know.

And who is willing to stage that fight?

I don't know.

Right, Vera Lynn was a dirty fighter.

She looked like Rihanna would obey a basic code.

Vera Lynn was kind of pick up a bar stool and smash it across someone's back, or just you know, hit someone in the back of the head while they're not looking.

She was a dirty fighter, right?

And is Rihanna a fan of yours?

I've respected her at all.

That's what I want to know.

Is Riri a bugle listener?

That's what what I want to know.

You should have given her some mud.

It's hard to tell.

Either she had no idea who I was, Andy, or was so intimidated by meeting a bugler, she just couldn't bring herself to speak to me.

Or it might have something to do with the fact that I was staring at her like you would stare at Michelangelo's David, thinking, That's right, that's it.

That is it, that's a beautiful penis.

A beautifully sculpted penis, madam.

Congratulations.

So, this is the Bugle 278 for the week ending Friday, the 14th of November.

We are recording on the 14th of November, meaning it is 92 years to the day

since the BBC began its radio service in the UK.

And we have an exclusive extract from that very first day of broadcasting history.

Which should be enough to divert any unwanted female attention at a picnic.

That was episode one of A Man's Guide to Screaming.

Later on at five o'clock, it will be the Big Fat Discussion Show with Sir Redfern Scrain.

This week's topics include, Can a Man Own Too Many Hats?

Is it dangerous to smoke less than 60 cigarettes a day?

And are wives human?

And then, at 6.30, it's another episode of the Now Show.

But first, with a general election looming tomorrow, it's time for a special edition of Guess Who's Cough with your host, Dr.

Grenville Warmbly.

Hello?

Do I just talk into this?

Hello?

Is anybody nobody is talking back?

Hello?

This is cough number one.

Was that Prime Minister David Lloyd George?

The Foreign Secretary, the Marquess of Curson, was it the Secretary of State for War, Sir Laming Worthington Evans?

Or was it footballer Arthur Grimstall of the

Tottenham Hotspurts and England?

Let us hear the cough again.

That doesn't sound too good.

Trousers down, I'd better fill your jumble chunks just to be on the safe side.

Go on then, pop them down.

92 years ago today I was broadcast.

Things haven't changed too much at the BBC.

And of course, it is 25 years since a momentous event that truly shaped the modern world in November 1989, a day that marked a new era of human history, a day remembered by millions as a significant milestone in a nation's history, but also a landmark for the entire world.

Not the Berlin Wall coming down, that's overrated.

It was cricketer Sachin Tendulka's first test match for India, aged 16.

And I do believe that is viewed in India as a significantly more important moment than the collapse of communism.

Incidentally, within just a month of Tendulka's debut in 1989, there had been three major resignations from the Czechoslovakian government.

So it just goes to show what influence the young man had even then.

This is Bugle 278.

The same number of bugles, John, as there are awkward pauses in the average conversation between God and 19th century German philosophy champion Frederick Nietzsche.

Oh, hello, what are you doing here?

I might very well ask the same thing of you.

Yup.

Yup.

Wasn't expecting to see you here.

No.

Same.

You are a real fing piece of work.

You too.

And also, the average number of microseconds between someone hearing that FIFA has cleared itself of corruption and that person saying, Yeah, of course they have.

It was all fine, John.

Turned out it was all fine.

All that shit you gave them was for nothing, John.

They were clean as a nut.

Clean as a nut.

Clean as a nut, Rich.

Yes, clean as a nut.

It's in the official report.

Not remotely clean, but the nut thinks it is.

Top story this week, Comet News.

Now, listen, Andy, if you like robots and you like comets, then this week was an absolute doozy for you.

Why?

Because a flying f ⁇ ing robot landed on a flying f ⁇ ing comet.

That's why, Andy.

And it's hard to even begin to describe.

how hard this was to do.

The comet was flying through space at around 40,000 miles an hour and yet scientists seemed completely confident of everything working out in terms of landing a module on that flying comet.

How confident?

Well one of the scientists involved, Matt Taylor, was so sure beforehand that the mission was going to be a success, he got a huge tattoo on his upper thigh of the probe landing on the comet.

That.

I don't know if it's misplaced confidence.

It can't be misplaced confidence when it's inked on your leg.

Right, you sure that's the fact that he was right.

You're sure that's definitely a tattoo.

That wasn't just just a picture of him with his trousers down.

I mean, because I mean, some things could look like I mean, that comet from certain angles did look slightly like a pair of testicles.

That's true.

That's that's a probe is a probe, John.

That's that's not, you know, let's not beat about the bush.

Anyway, but you both understand.

One of the first mysteries the landing probe would attempt to uncover would be what the surface of the comet would be like.

And Matt Taylor himself, Captain Thigh tattoo, said that it could potentially have the consistency of, and I quote, cat litter.

And that would be a long way to go for a cat litter comet, Andy.

Because if there is even a remote possibility that that is the textural case, then that isn't a job for a flying robot, Andy.

That is a job for a space cat.

What

the European Space Agency clearly should have done is get an elite team of space cats together, put them in space cat suits, blast them into space, have them navigate their way to the comet, send down a lead space cat to walk on the surface of the comet, walk around in circles, find a nice spot, squat down, take a dump, kick some comet cat litter over the top of it, take a nonchalant feline shrug and come back to Earth.

That, Andy, is what should have happened because if putting the American flag on the moon was mankind's greatest achievement of the last century, then enabling a space cat to take a dump on a comet is the natural extension of that.

Also, I mean, one of the reasons they're so interested in this comet is because they think it could provide us with clues as to the origin of our solar system and our planets.

So if it does turn out

that basically everything in the solar system is made of cat litter,

it does suggest that God is a giant cat with digestive issues.

And I don't know how that is going to fly.

with the various religious franchises around the world.

I think the Egyptians were probably closest, Andy.

Bastette, the Egyptian cat goddess.

I think that probably means the Egyptians were right.

Terrific goddess.

How can you not respect a goddess that shits under your soul?

Tremendous.

Tremendous goddess.

The mission itself was beset with problems.

It's cost more than a billion euros.

That seems alright, you know, to land a robot on a comet.

And it was initially due to launch back in 2003 and was aimed at a different, much smaller comet, the very catchily named 46P Vertanen.

But there was a technical fault which meant the mission was was delayed and later refocused on the larger and even catchier name 67p Churiumov Gerasamenenko.

It's pretty catchy innit?

Yeah.

67p to its hurtling rock friends.

I call it Churi Geras.

I prefer that.

Yeah let's use the Soviet names.

It's

it's a fascinating comet, John.

From some angles, it looks a bit like the actor James Cromwell, whereas from others it looks like a potato or a depressed porpoise or a 1920s penguin in a lady's hat or a worm's nutsack or a large bit of rock, any of which

it could well be.

So there was much excitement when it landed.

Massive touchdown, six-pointer for the European Space Agency.

And,

well, I mean,

it does turn out that it was a big bit of rock floating through space.

I mean,

is it worth flying four billion miles to make sure it is definitely a big rock rather than something else like a very angry Leica the Cosmodog, who by now would be very, very cranky.

Or even Hitler.

I mean, what if it had been a floating Hitler?

You would not put it past that k.

Or the giant Battenberg cake that escaped from the Earth's gravitational pull after being inadvertently fired out of a cannon during the coronation of Queen Victoria in 1838, whilst the new queen chomped down disappointedly on a cannonball.

But there were some problems when it landed because it bounced twice, initially about one kilometre back out into space

and before landing a kilometre from its intended landing site sent his first message back sent by the Philippe lander was

I'm using this rocky like a trampoline folks

which I believe was the sweariest message ever sent from space so it was actually I prefer that to Neil Armstrong's first words

well his first

his first broadcast words anyway

no those were his first words as well

They said, the scientists said that

the Rosetta, the spacecraft that sent it up there, is going to try to attempt some of the most profound questions

in humanity, such as, you know, what was the origin of life on Earth, as well as some slightly less profound questions, such as, why does the comet have a distinctive rubber duck shape?

Answer the second one first.

Well, the two,

as we've discussed with the cat litter, those two could be a link.

What's more profound about that?

Those two.

are not a list.

What's more profound about that question?

Why is a rock like a rubber duck?

I don't know.

The Lord bathes in mysterious ways with

rubber ducks.

What is a comet if it is not God's loofah, Andy?

Scrubbing hard skin off his feet.

Or hers, or her.

But the problem is, the lander, Phili, got a bit overexcited, trying to celebrate through backflip and collapsed in a heap in the shadow of a cliff and cannot now get enough sunlight to charge its solar-powered battery.

And this is bad news, John, because it basically proves that alternative energy doesn't work.

And if it doesn't work on something as small as a comet, how is it going to work on a fully fledged planet like Earth?

If only the European Space Agency had not caved into the green lobby and instead just given it some drilling equipment so it could hammer down into the comet to extract some oil, it would have all been fine.

But

they had to pander to the lefties, John, and the hippies, and it's all gone terribly wrong.

There was some controversy coming over a sound that was coming from the comet.

They sent back a sound file

from 67P.

And it sounds like, they said it sounds like the Rosetta is singing.

Listen to this.

This is the sound that's got people talking.

That is the sound.

of what's happening on the comet.

And, you know, some people on social media have suggested that could be an...

It's amazing.

You know, it's technically amazing to hear it.

Some people suggested it could even be an alien singing into Rosetta.

If that's true, Andy, aliens can't sing.

Because, again, not to labour a point, but I heard Rihanna sing this week, and she's better.

Well, I mean, it's just a bit avant-garde, John, isn't it?

You know, I guess.

Well, I guess that's it.

Yeah, might be ahead of my time.

When you've been out there for so long as 67PS, you're bound to get a bit weird and self-indulgent.

It's basically like 1970s German electronica mixed with dub-dub triplop antifunk gringe for me.

And luckily, that's actually pitched up.

It's way below the threshold of human hearing.

Suggesting the Comet

is slightly ashamed of its musical tastes.

Also, coincidentally, that is the mating call of the pterodactyl.

And if you slow it down in Morse code and translate it into German, it's also the opening paragraph of Das Kapital.

So there we go.

Fascinating.

There's been some interesting international reaction.

In Italy, the business daily paper Il Sole 24 Ore echoed the head of the Italian space agency.

24, John?

24.

24.

Very good.

That sounds about right to me.

That was a quick swing.

I didn't really think much about that.

That might be wrong.

It echoed the head of the Italian space agency who said, a small leap for a robot, a giant stride for humankind.

That's just terrible.

And even that just doesn't even,

I don't know, they might be losing a bit in translation.

But even aping Armstrong's words, that's just awful.

Come on, Italy.

That's so, that's terrible.

And a Ukrainian paper laid claim to P-67, referring to it as the Ukrainian Comet.

And that is a pretty quick way to guarantee that Russia suddenly wants that comet.

Well, I mean, one of the problems with its landing was caused by the fact that its harpoons, it had these harpoons, I suppose, to jab into the

surface of the comet, Japanese-designed harpoons, I believe.

And

might as well get the experts.

But they didn't work.

And we have exclusive footage of the live commentary from the mission control in Darmstadt in Germany.

This is the commentary from the German 24-hour space channel, Waltaumeramer Zwanzigfuhr.

Jaha Klaus Schnitzge Kleine, Spatiengekraft is the auf dam ge landen into the Kometengerka.

Under the Landen Potsdeits won the Steitske Kellestengerk Boom Vroom tinkle tinkle getle and Zenjarin gelat that racket in the Kometege Kudlichnich

Gudenschlaf Klaus Deutschland eins Spatian null Deutschland Zuper Welkraum Scheis.

Heinz is a mitzion European Spatian against

the Deutschen Raketen Schlaf.

Nine Klaus Deutsche, Deutsche, Wolzind,

the Raketov,

Deutschland.

Babanzi din Scheis commit.

Bavanzi diein au wo dest Deutschland.

Ya heinz is victik importance astronomakinaten gesploat uf dem chapunge prong die surfats the commettenschnitz ya ya ya klaus schrodinger meau meow schnoogling the six billion kilometre distances

in deutschland abbe ein neil armstrong auf f himself and ge Bas Aldrin auf auber f himself and Michael Collins auf auber auf f himself and f Armstrong and f Aldrin and f Apollo Elf Neuberland and simple schnitz in the lunar moonstein ge floop on on 1969.

Okay, Schneitzer Heinz Karmenzi Dein.

Oh, och.

Oh, oh,

nine, nine, the Scheitarpoons, the Franzian Scheitarpoons, Franzen Alf, Brischer Scheitarpoons, Nobel Deutsche Harpoons, Scheisten geschluts geschlakenschnitz.

And there's been some controversy over how much

this comic mission has cost.

And who knows?

Who knows what mysteries it will uncover?

I would say that

a billion pounds is cheaper the price for the last two minutes we just enjoyed.

Oh, thanks, John.

Well, it was exclusive coverage.

Did have to pay quite a big money to get that exclusive coverage from German TV, but glad you thought it was worth it.

Is a sonorous language.

Bit of information on the rocket.

It was launched in 2004, the spaceship Rosetta and Landing Module Philippe, named respectively after Rosetta Caminitti, the former character from the Australian soap opera Neighbours.

The series recently, of course, included on the UNESCO World Heritage List of being of outstanding cultural importance to the common heritage of humanity.

Not before time should have been on there since the mid-90s.

Whilst Phili, of course, for finishing the mission, the little landing module named after the former Italian footballer, Filippo Inzaghi.

Famous, of course, for doing absolutely jack shit for most of a match and then getting on the end of a tap in and taking all the glory.

So the most appropriate name for the lander module.

And then falling over very easily.

A few questions have arise.

One, how can we monetize the comet?

I mean that's

really, we've invested a billion in this comet.

We want some return.

Two, could the entire population of the world live on a comet?

It's worth thinking about before you get carried away trying to save the planet Earth.

Three, most importantly,

could FIFA hold a World Cup on

Comet P67P, John?

I mean, would it make any less sense than holding it in f ⁇ ing Qatar?

No.

No, it would make more sense.

It would make much more sense than that.

It all does depend on whether the comet contains an absolute mummy load of oil and or cash.

But I think it's logistically possible, John.

This comet has more footballing heritage than Qatar.

And four, do we actually need comets, John?

Because what the fk do they do?

I mean, it's all very well sending this.

What the f do these things do?

Apart from tell us when massively influential events are about to happen.

Birth of Christ, foretold by a comet, Norman Conquest, foretold by a comet.

And in the case of 67P, the appearance of a comet on our TV screens was a harbinger that a space probe was about to land on a comet.

Bugle feature section now, and it's new merch time.

Well, Well, John, what a time of year it is.

The now traditional launch of the new Bugle merch

slightly too late to get any benefit from the Christmas market.

Particularly some of these items won't actually be shipped for a couple of weeks.

But the point is, they are live on the website.

And the first item out of the metaphorical merch canon this year is the thing everyone has been waiting for.

One of the greatest step changes in the history of bodywear.

It just makes every other garment ever made seem like a humble stepping stone towards the ultimate apotheosis of all clothing.

It is the Bugle Christmas jumper.

John, this, I mean, I've sent you a picture.

It sounds like a joke.

It sounds like a joke, Andy, doesn't it?

It does.

But

here's the thing.

We have actually made a Christmas jumper.

And I'm currently wearing the Christmas jumper.

Rich, you can see the Christmas jumper in the flesh.

It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Yep.

Well done.

You said that with just enough conviction in your voice.

Try not to look at you if I'm honest right now.

I guess in America I should translate that.

It's kind of a holiday sweater.

Christmas jumper.

It's a holiday sweater, Christmas jumper, potato potato.

Well, it's...

What it is, is it's visually busy, isn't it?

It's arresting.

There's enough going on.

Let me describe it to you, Bugle.

It has two complementary sleeves that come attached to the jumper at no extra cost the whole thing is made of pure material of some sort and this hyper trendy torso covering really puts the floor into form and the funk into function it's decorated with a postmodernist pre-post technological quasi-figurative rendering of some snowdrops plus the bugle logo seasonally pimped out to include a Christmas hat on the Andy and some antlers on the John

which I believe was an old Willie Nelson song, wasn't it?

Antlers on the John.

I believe so, yeah.

Also includes some dots and waggly lines just to add to the feeling.

This jumper unmistakably commemorates the birth of the turn of the first millennium Middle East space magician and rack on to Jesus H.

Christ.

I mean, it really.

Now, would this.

Would this jumper, Andy, be flammable?

Would this be a flammable jumper?

I don't.

I mean, I've noticed that.

There's no way to know until you buy one.

No.

There's no way to know.

But let's first hear some testimony from

obviously made up people who have worn the Bugle Christmas jumper.

more directly with your chosen deity if you say and or slay them whilst wearing a Bugle Christmas jumper.

It is everything Jesus would have wanted as a baby.

Warm, quite orange, and suitable for use on farmland.

It makes me wonder why I spent £5,000 on a wedding dress when I could have bought, just bought a Bugle Christmas jumper for a fraction of the price, albeit a larger fraction than you would think imaginable.

And

had many more people remember exactly what I was wearing on my special, special day.

0% bulletproof.

Do not wear during naturism, subject to normal gravity.

Wearing during a job interview and/or court case may reduce your chances of employment and/or exoneration by 2%.

Wireless.

Does not fit docks.

Do not put it on a dog, no matter how tempting.

And it will be tempting.

Do not succumb to that temptation.

Suitable for mountaineering, only in conjunction with at least a woolly hat and some underpants, preferably more.

Do not use as a parachute unless all other options have been attempted.

May cause pums.

Suitable for popes and rabbis with appropriately accompanying headgear, available separately from other outlets.

Wearing the Bugle christmas jumper constitutes a full-scale unretractable acceptance with the divine truth of all judeo-christian scripture suitable for use at mealtimes but try not to smear mayonnaise or creamy sauces all over it as worn by periquomo in the 1956 mtv video of number one single hot diggity may confuse natis acceptable on most golf courses especially if worn at a slightly misogynist angle floats on lead sinks in air may function as partial immortality cloak would suit 99 of all south americans between the ages of 0 and 120 desperately seeking love may burn on contact with the interior of a furnace not guaranteed to resurrect the dead but give it a go it's a a no-lose situation.

You can either get your loved one back or you can get a corpse-looking mighty fly.

And this is weight loss if worn in conjunction with a hunger strike.

Not advised for use during police identity parades.

Probably order a size bigger than you think you need.

So there it is.

Always good to get the small print in.

These Christmas jumpers will be available for dispatch from the online store the week commencing the 8th of December.

So you might get it in time for Christmas.

You might.

You probably will.

Not absolutely guaranteed, but

if you're looking to have a really honest way to

waste your money,

this is,

we have an over-undergo.

I think, I'm not sure we're going to sell 10 of these things, but even if we sell three, Andy, I still think it was worth making them.

Just for the object.

Yep.

Maybe you could.

It's something.

It's something.

It's a work of art.

How do you think Rihanna would look in a Bugle Christmas jumper, John?

Amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

And if they'd been available before, I would have presented her with one.

That is all the testimony I need.

Yep.

We have other additions to the merch range.

Two new additions to the catalogue of the world's biggest grossing short-sleeve buttonless upper body covering franchise, the t-shirt.

One has a new circular design of the bugle logo and slogan that looks so trendy, you'll probably be asked to model some perfume.

The other has little bugle logos literally all over it.

So that if you're ever caught wondering what is on your t-shirt, you can look anywhere on your t-shirt rather than just on the front, and all all your concerns will be instantly assuaged.

They are available for dispatch from the 19th stroke, 24th of November.

I've got written here, I'm not sure which is which.

You can also get the new circular bugle emblem on a mug, and a scientist have recently confirmed coffee quaffed from a bugle mug makes you up to 8,000% more alert than coffee drunk from a sieve.

Furthermore, tea, yep, that's a fact.

Tea consumed from a bugle mug helps stop world wars breaking out.

Zero world wars since the first bugle mug first appeared.

Two in less than 100 years beforehand.

So you can draw your own conclusions from that.

Hot chocolate from a bugle mug may, however, cause profound feelings of regret about the sad assassination in 1812 of the British Prime Minister, Spencer Percival, who loved hot chocolate.

That mug is available from Monday.

And for those of you who can't be asked to wear jumpers or t-shirts and think hot drinks are an admission of defeat in life, then you might be interested in the all-new Bugle pin badge.

It really is absolutely fing awesome, this pin badge, John, albeit that I've not actually seen one yet because they've not sent me me a sample.

As pin badges with the logo of a podcast on them go, this really is right up there.

You can probably also use it for some amateur entomology if you happen to inherit a large collection of unmounted dead insects from a weird relative.

I reckon you could probably skewer a fair few arachnids and crustaceans with it too, but that's not my sphere of expertise.

So, probably just best to stick the pin badge in a jacket or on a bag or in your child's raincoat in case you lose it.

Because realistically, these also are not going to sell many units.

So, if you do put it on your kid and someone finds a kid with a bugle pin badge on, it is probably your kid.

So I mean it's quite a useful

kid reclamation tool from that point of view.

Also, do you like the feeling of locking something?

Maybe you enjoy going to work, school or jail or on holiday without having to worry about whether or not someone could just walk straight into your unlocked house and steal everything you own, leaving a trail of destruction from which you never quite psychologically recover.

Then if you do, you probably use keys.

Now keys,

I mean they're awesome.

They're just keys and absolutely awesome when it comes to keeping a guy shut.

I love them.

They're amazing.

But the flip side of the key, John, unless you look after them, you can so easily have them fall out of your pocket and down a sinkhole.

They're gone forever.

So why not solve all your problems instantly with the Bugle Keyring?

Suitable.

That's an incredible idea.

Suitable for most non-medieval and non-custodial keys.

The Bugle Key Ring is already renowned as the biggest advance in domestic security since the invention of the dog.

Does not come with keys.

Provide your own f ⁇ ing keys.

And finally,

it is suitable for use in conjunction with a guard dog, but it's not a direct replacement for the guard dog.

And finally, is there someone in your life you feel slightly obliged to give a present to at Christmas, but can't quite remember what they like, or indeed what kind of person or gender they are, other than the fact that they sometimes wear cuffed shirts and hate the concept of buttons?

Then why not invest in a pair of bugle cufflinks?

Cufflinks, John.

The bugle cufflinks are a gift that says this is a long shot.

I believe our seven years of broadcasting this

audio newspaper.

Do people even

wear shirts that require cufflinks?

I do, John, at least one.

Do you really?

I got married in a shirt that needed cufflinks.

Yeah, that's true.

So, right.

If you get married,

you might use cuffless.

That said,

my marriage is still going strong after 10 years, and I didn't have Bugle cufflinks.

So I guess the Bugle Cufflink could cause divorce.

I mean, that's the science of that.

But anyway, I mean, they're terrific things, albeit I also haven't seen them because they haven't sent me a sample of that either.

And they come with my face on one of the cufflinks and John's face on the other.

So

buy two pairs.

Just awful.

If you really hate one of us, buy two pairs of these cufflinks or if you're innately anti-Semitic or disapprove of people leaving their country in search of stage time, but still want to show your allegiance to the show, then you can buy two pairs for just twice the price of one pair.

And they're available.

These are some stupid items, Andy.

They're available for dispatch from Monday the 1st of December.

That is merchandise entirely reflective of this show, Andy, in that you just are mystified as to why anyone would be interested in any of them.

But they're all there, buglers.

They're all there.

All your Christmas shopping in one place.

Just time to plug my remaining tour dates.

Thanks again to all buglers who have come and formed what seems to be approximately 98.7%

of the audience at my tour shows.

So thanks for all your contributions to the shows.

The remaining gigs, Leicester, Saturday the 15th at the Crumbling Cookie, Bristol Hen and Chicken on the 20th of November, then Folkestone, Shoreham and Aldershot, 27th, 28th and 29th, and Wimbledon at Aylesbury on the 3rd and 4th of December.

Finishing the gala closing night at the Reading South Street Art Centre on the 6th of December, the showbiz event of the millennium so far.

And on the 8th of December, I'm recording a DVD at the chapter in Cardiff.

So I'll see you all.

I might be taking, doing Saturdays for High.

I haven't fully decided yet on that.

It's just kind of the way I roll, by which I mean I can't think more than one week ahead.

I'm also doing...

I'm also taking part in a benefit gig organised by the wonderful Mark Thomas on Sunday the 23rd of November at the Bloomsbury Theatre, raising money for the Kurdish Red Crescent to help the people who've been affected by the absolute deluge of mega cin in the Syria-Turkish border region.

And a terrific bill featuring Mark Thomas, Jeremy Hardy, Josie Long, Tim Key, and others.

So do come along to that and help save the world.

Anything you want to plug, John, or do you just want to get online and order your Bugle Christmas merch?

I've already spent an irrational amount of money on jumpers.

I'm going on.

I'm doing some stand-up gigs, but I can't remember where.

Portland

is a place.

Yeah, that's funny.

I can't remember.

I've heard that.

I'm going, I'm going, but similarly, I can't think ahead.

I'm leaving next week to go.

I can't remember.

I might be coming to you.

I don't know, though.

Well, we will be back with the Bugle next week, Bugle 279, and then I think we've got a week off for America to get down on its knees and give thanks for whatever it wants to give thanks for.

And then we'll be back through December.

Until next week, Buglers, keep your emails coming in to info at thebuglepodcast.com.

Check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

And all the merch is now available via the bugle website, thebuglepodcast.com.

No further questions.

Goodbye.

At ease.

Bye.

Hi, Buglers.

it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.