Bugle 273 – Season 2!

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Buglers, and welcome to The Bugle Season 2.

We are back for another 272 episodes of thrilling action and spine-tingling romance in this, the internet's longest-running drama series, starring me, Andy's ultimately British Nadia Komenech, and reporting in from the silly side of the Atlantic, where he has spent the summer telling naughty people off on a weekly basis.

It's the man Dan Rather always dreamed of being, John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Well, that was one fat season one, Andy.

That was one oversized first attempt at entertainment.

Well, how was everyone's summer?

I know that you, Andy, went to Edinburgh the way that heavyweight boxers go to a ring.

You went to cause some comedic concussions, Andy.

You went to knock some audiences out and then ostentatiously dance over their prostrate bodies and onlookers began to question whether this is a spectacle that humanity should really be condoning.

How did it go, Andy?

Well, pretty much exactly as you just described it, John.

That is what I thought.

I myself was here in New York working for most of the time.

It's been a great deal of fun.

Two weeks ago, just to give you a taste, I was standing next to a grand piano with my arm around a man in a giant gecko astronaut costume pouring out a 40 in memory of the five dead Russian Space Sex geckos.

And you know what I was thinking, Andy?

I was thinking, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.

You know,

some people find peace in the baby's laugh, Andy, others in the wind rustling through the trees on a sunny day.

Personally, I find it in the dead plastic eyes of a 6'2 pretend SpaceX gecko.

We all meet our moments of calm in our own way.

I'd like to meet these people who find peace in a baby's laugh because,

well, I don't know, that's not my experience of parenting.

I mean, for me, the baby's laugh is merely a harbinger of the baby's tears.

Chris, how's your summer?

I haven't done anything.

Bit of quality fatherhood going on.

I've changed nappies.

I've dreaded the return of the bugle.

Right.

To spend more time away from my baby

who might need another nappy change.

Just bring him in.

Okay, her.

Her, bring her in.

Mabel, Andy.

Well, they often change over the summer.

That is true.

Yeah.

Well, of course, we left you earlier in the summer with a series of gripping cliffhangers.

Would Vladimir Putin return his metaphorical plonker to the literal trousers of decency and rehouse it in the wife front of compromise?

Would those naughty terrorists ever invest in some basic manners?

And would England win the Football World Cup?

And the answers to those three questions have turned out to be no, no, and almost certainly never.

We left the world unattended, John, for three months and frankly its behaviour has left a lot to be desired.

We're recording on the 18th of September 2014.

Now this is coinciding with probably the most important moments in recent global history because today, John, as we record, it is my 10th wedding anniversary.

Oh, that's huge that means that 10 years and about three hours ago my soon-to-be wife as i'm sure you remember uh was busy leaning backwards in a taxi dressed head to toe in a big old wedding dress flipping a bird to john oliver that's right best bird i've ever seen flipped andy and you know i don't say that lightly

I remember hearing about that bird flipping later that day after the wedding ceremony and thinking, she sounds like my kind of woman.

Just some of the press headlines from that morning.

Luckiest girl in the world from International Romance Monthly magazine.

The envy of all women and most men, the New York Times, and the lady who landed the big fish, and I sprayed tartar sauce in the eyes of all other women, The Economist.

So 10, 10, 10 glorious, glorious years.

We're about to overtake Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in terms of marriage longevity.

I see us very much as peas in the same pod.

As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week.

The the launch of the iPhone 6.

Have you got one yet, John?

Not yet, Andy, no.

Right.

That's got to be a matter of time.

Following hot on the heels of the Apple Watch, which is a watch that's revolutionarily you can put on your wrist, but which has a new feature in which it wirelessly links up with your brain and makes you think, this is completely f ⁇ ing unnecessary.

Humanity did not need this.

I want a real f ⁇ ing watch.

In fact, just put a f ⁇ ing sundial on my wrist.

But the iPhone 6, quick review in our section in the bin, based once again on on the classic quadrilateral shape, the rectangle, and featuring the classic surfaces front and back, the 6 is more than just a phone.

It can be used as, amongst other things, a chopping board for small vegetables, an in-utero ice rink for parents who want their fetuses to learn to skate before birth, a genuine friend, a mortuary slab for deceased household mice, and a pocket shield for hand-to-hand combat in the event of a medieval war breaking out.

And of course, you can simultaneously film the brutal Crow's Claughters Close Claws Mayhem on the iPhone's camera, which uses digital memory to record the images rather than the traditional silver-plated copper plates that used to be used in photography.

So you can have an accurate record of the fighting if you want to, if you want your surviving relatives to commemorate you in the form of a tapestry.

The iPhone 6 has been controversially named after the high-ranking Nazi official Dr.

Franz 6.

I assume.

Well, he's going to do that, Hasie.

Well, I mean, there's nothing in their promotional literature that says otherwise, so we have to assume the the worst

when i mean that's i just i think that shows perhaps overconfidence in their commercial franchise you'd have thought after the disastrous failure of the motorola mussolini these phone companies would steer clear of that kind of stuff and also the iphone 6 features a spiritual side as well as uh its uh consumer side uh it can wirelessly submit prayers to up to 30 of the world's leading deities simultaneously not including the norse god thor who signed an exclusive deal with nokia a couple of years ago, and it comes with an in-built app that monitors everything you do, read, think, eat, drink, and say before providing you with a daily projection of your likely afterlife status, claimed to be accurate to within 0.01% of an eternal damnation.

And amongst the add-on peripherals, a five-seat family car with an iPhone charger at just 25,000 US dollars.

And to mark the historic launch, Apple is releasing 100 million bottles of a new limited edition cider made from old iPhone 3s, crushed down and fermented to make an alcoholic beverage described by Arnelius Tusk, the cider correspondent of the 21st Century Bootan magazine, as, quote, surprisingly refreshing, if unquestionably metallic for a cider, but above all, wireless.

That section in the bin.

Top story this week, Oche the New or Oche the Yes.

It's the Scottish independence referendum.

Well, Andy, after two and a half years of campaigning and centuries upon centuries of tension, it's all led us to this.

Scotland today,

today,

votes on whether or not to leave the United Kingdom and strike out on its own.

And Scotland has, to put it frankly, not been as entertaining as this since they started inexplicably throwing tree trunks around.

What is the feeling over there, Andy?

It must be electric in the air.

Well, I love the smell of democracy in the morning, John.

It is

all kicking off.

There is genuine excitement, John, about the democratic process, which is frankly something that has put the major shits up Westminster, given that they've been basically exclusively dedicated to preventing democratic excitement happening for at least the last 20 years.

And we're just worried about, you know, what we could see the Queen cry in public for the first time.

No, it can't be done.

The Queen crying in public would be basically a minor tremble of the upper lip.

And that that would at that point Buckingham Palace would just burst into flames.

You know Andy, Joni Mitchell famously sang, don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?

And she's still right Andy because in Scotland's case the rest of the UK has a majestic country of spectacular landscapes as well as the highest rate of heart disease in the whole of Europe.

But like any divorce if the UK were to split there would clearly be serious problems.

There'll be the small matter of who gets what in the separation agreement.

Scotland would probably take Andy Murray's Wimbledon title back, meaning that we would

mean that we would once more be banking on Tim Henman making an incredible career comeback.

But in that case, Andy, if it happens, they can frankly kiss goodbye to Tilda Swinton's Oscar.

She was born in fing London, Andy.

Scotts, love it or leave it.

You fingers, oh God, I'm so emotionally unstable, Andy.

It looks like they might actually go.

Yeah, it's got very, very close to the extent where david cameron was reduced to fleeing north to scotland and telling scotland that it would break his heart if they left which

i think probably could be the decisive swing in favor of independence i know you shouldn't vote no question no question andy it would be worth it to upset him I know I know when you're voting on a big thing, you shouldn't base it on short-term, short-term or personal concerns in such a major matter as this.

But when that is offered to you, John, the look on David Cameron's face on Friday morning, tomorrow morning, if Scotland votes to snap off from the rest of the UK, I could fully understand a 100% yes vote.

It would just be nice to see that.

Like you say, it's not an ideal way to vote for full independence for your country, just to spite another human being.

But even if the consequences are disastrous, I do think a great grandfather Scottish man in the future could look down at his great grandson as his inferno of a country continues going up in flames and say, I've got to tell you, kiddie, you should have seen the look on his face.

I regret nothing.

He was so sad.

I've not been over there in the UK for the campaign, Andy, so I've not been subjected to its full force.

But it does seem from the outside that the Better Together campaign was incredibly negative.

I saw one photo of some billboards which apparently read, I love my family, so I'm voting no.

What kind of implication is that exactly?

That sounds like the response to a mob threat.

Lovely family you got here, all nestled snugly in a 300-year-old economic union of nations.

Such a shame if something were to happen to all of them.

I love my family.

I'm voting no.

Please don't hurt them.

That was, to be honest, about as positive as the campaigning got.

There was a lot of complacency, I think, because I think most people had assumed it would be a fairly comfortable no vote.

And the tone of the early campaigning was basically just to say, well, if it was right for Britain 307 years ago, it is right for Britain now.

And there have been some extraordinary adverts.

Aside from that, there was a long campaign video advert in which basically had a woman sitting at a table in her kitchen, basically saying, I am too silly to vote as a humble woman, therefore I have to vote no.

And

it was really democracy at its grubby, grubby worst.

It appears there has been something of a shifting in tone now from essentially threatening Scotland that they risked

economic Armageddon if they left, to now essentially desperately appealing to their heartstrings, saying that the UK would be irreparably damaged without them.

And there were even last-minute promises from all three major Westminster leaders.

On Tuesday, David Cameron, Nick Clegg, and Ed Miliband published a vow signed by all of them, pledging extensive new powers for the Scottish Parliament parties, including a promise to, and I quote, share our resources equally.

And that kind of thing was absolutely not on the cards until Polf suggested that Scotland might actually leave.

All of which seems a bit like an emotionally abusive husband desperately buying flowers for his wife after finally spotting a packed suitcase of her things in the bedroom.

And it's even coming with even more insults because apparently the no campaign this week has been distributing leaflets comparing Scotland to North Korea.

And at this point,

at this point, England is just coming off as emotionally unstable.

Don't leave, please.

I'm nothing without you.

Oh, what the hell?

If you want to go, go.

You don't think I can get Norway to take your place in a second?

Oh, I don't mean that.

Here's some more parliamentary powers.

You know that we're good together.

And you know that if you only stop whining, you fat cow.

I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you.

You'll never make it on your own.

The EU don't want you.

You're too old and your economy's all wonky.

And if you if you try to leave, I'll kill you and I'll kill myself.

In that order.

No, the other order.

Wait, I hate you, you beautiful bitch.

Now kiss me and get out of here.

I think that was the Queen's internal monologue, essentially, during the last couple of weeks.

As you said, the three leaders ran up to Scotland.

They basically cancelled Westminster for the day.

They cancelled Prime Minister's questions and went up to

Scotland.

Now, given the popularity of Cameron, Clegg and Miliband, particularly in Scotland, this was the equivalent of trying to dissuade a lion from eating a child by dressing that child in a zebra costume.

But it was a definite missed opportunity for Alex Salmond.

If he'd been a real Scottish leader, John, he would have taken advantage of England's top brass being AWOL and invaded just as Cameron was getting off the train in Edinburgh for a busy day, avoiding public engagements for fear of being egged.

Salmon would have been already burning down the walls of York and painting himself blue.

Screaming, you're all Scottish new.

The whole world seems to suddenly be paying attention to this, especially now there seems to be a genuine possibility that Scotland will go.

Even China has publicly come out as completely against the idea.

Although, to be fair, I do think that's more because they hate the idea of independence in any form rather than Scottish independence in particular.

It's more a sense, really, of saying Scotland should not have independence.

Do we make that clear, Tibet, you stroppy little shit?

Former Italian Prime Minister Enrico Leta has also warned that Scotland voting for independence would be a disaster for Britain and the EU.

Although I tell you what else would be a disaster for Britain and the EU, Andy, and that is Italy continuing to stuff its economy into the boot of its car, tie cinder blocks to its angles and pushing the car off a bridge.

If they can stop doing that, that might help as well.

Tony Abbott, your old buddy, the Australian Prime Minister, he also waded in saying

a few weeks ago.

Now, he said this, I think that people who would like to see the breakup of the United Kingdom are not the friends of justice or the friends of freedom.

Which was a slightly extraordinary thing to say.

And did rather suggest that

on the border of Syria and Iraq, there are ISIL terrorists saying, tell you what, folks, 18th of September, let's take a day off from hating the West and hating women.

And let's watch this fascinating display of democracy unfold.

And a quick note to any members of ISIL or ISIS listening, when al-Qaeda are bawling you out for bad behaviour, you need to take five and think about your corporate ethos as a franchise.

So it all comes down, Scottish independence, to a very simple question.

In January of last year, after an almost unbelievable amount of debate over the specific language with which the question would be posed, both sides settled on this, the question, should Scotland be an independent country.

It doesn't really seem like semantic rocket science to construct a basic question with just six words, which provokes a yes-no response.

But at least they managed it, Andy, because in Canada, the Quebecers have apparently faced in their referendums a 43-word question and a 106-word question.

But you know what?

That's the French for you, Andy.

I think that question even mandated that before you answer, you drink half a bottle of red wine and that the only two potential responses were a shrug or an indecipherable large gesture with your hands.

Also, the way French works, with that 106-word question, it probably just translated translated as yes or no in English.

You said there has been a phenomenal amount of

economic scaremongering, and businesses and the British government generally acting like a grumpy parent at a children's sports day, saying, I would not enter that event if I were you.

You could lose an eye if the egg ricochets off the spoon into your face.

Both sides have been calling bullshit on each other's economic projections, which...

is fine and understandable because all economic projections are bullshit or at least some kind of alchemic combination of guesswork, subjective emphasis, carefully selected and decontextualized facts, and honest, barefaced lies that collectively smell like bullshit.

Because economics, John, is a flighty, fickle, and temperamental little shit, able to look at a watermelon, nod seriously, take some notes, and tell you with a straight face that that watermelon is a motorbike before turning around and telling someone else with an equally straight face that the watermelon is in fact a puppy.

Another interesting detail in today's vote is that the law was changed so that for the first time 16 16 and 17 year olds will be able to vote.

And that has to be a huge boost for the pro-independence movement, Andy, because who could be more

interested in independence than someone who has a curfew of 1030 and who is forced to share a bunk bed with their nine-year-old sister?

F you, England, you don't understand me.

I wish we'd never been forcibly co-opted into the union.

God, I hate you.

Even the Queen herself has apparently advised Scotland to think very carefully about what decision they're about to make, which is a pretty chilling way to put it, Andy.

It does make you wonder whether she has an arsenal of nuclear corgis that she's willing to dispatch if this vote does not go the way that she wants.

And in perhaps the boldest appeal to Scotland's feelings, Prince William even impregnated his wife again,

announcing the pregnancy just a few weeks ago in a clear attempt to influence the Scottish referendum.

Why else would they be having a second child, Andy?

It doesn't make any sense.

This was the boldest move they could possibly have made short of her giving birth publicly on Hadrian's wall to a baby that came out with a painted blue face wearing a kilt screaming freedom.

And I have heard breaking news that baby Morag is due to be born, I believe, in

April of next year.

I'm not sure.

As you say, the history of this is rather complicated.

The union basically began as a sort of marriage of economic convenience

just over 300 years ago.

But there's been a lot of tension, I think, between the bottom bit of this island and the top bit, really since Emperor Hadrian took one look at Scotland and said, wall, big fing wall.

And there have been a number of anniversaries that have been cited as potentially influencing the way that people vote.

So important moments in

Scottish history.

It's exactly 40 years since 1974,

so the 40th anniversary of the Bay City Rollers breakthrough single, Remember Shalala, which contains the politically incendiary lyric, Shimmy, Shammy, Shom.

We used to make them songs, Remember, Shalala Loo, I used to sing to you, which, if played backwards, sounds like, Death to the Union and all who support it.

Let Scotland once more be its own master and its own slave.

And may Edward Heath be battered like a sausage and drowned in gravy.

So, and also 13, 14, 700 years ago, the Battle of Bannockburn, I believe the history panel verdict is home win on that, a famous Scottish victory over England, one of the most famous battles in Scottish history.

And it was suggested that this might affect the way that people vote, this surge of patriotism from a battle that happened 700 years ago.

Now, I'm not going to tell people how to behave in a polling station, but if at any point in your voting life, anywhere in the world, you find your decision being influenced by the results of a battle from 700 f ⁇ ing years ago, put your pencil down and walk out of that polling station and say, no, I am out of my democratic comfort zone.

This is not my game.

And move to the Middle East.

Another amazing side story is the potential voter turnout today.

A total of 4,285,323 people have registered to vote, which is a massive 97% of the total number of people eligible to register to vote.

Experts are projecting a turnout of over 80%,

which is really incredible.

But you would also f ⁇ ing hope so, Andy, because even allowing for our politically apathetic times, if you cannot get your ass into a voting booth to vote on essentially which country you're currently standing on, then maybe democracy is just not for you.

Also, one of the big questions that's going to be

influencing people's decision is of course whether or not Scotland as an independent country would be able to keep the pound or as they call it, the poond.

so what what is the current feeling over there andy would scotland be able to keep the poond is that something they could have

well uh currently all the the no campaign are saying no you basically wouldn't be able to keep the pound whereas what they claimed andy the poond they're not interested in the pound

clearly uh what they mean is yeah we'll probably find a way to make it work but they can't really say that john they can't uh they can't say but i think it would certainly have to feature pictures of the queen looking really sad and wearing a jimmy hat which she does on a daily basis anyway.

This morning, in what could be a decisive turn of events, Andy Murray, the aforementioned Andy Murray, the British tennis player, has finally broken his silence on the referendum, John.

He said this huge day for Scotland.

The no campaigns negativity in the last few days totally swayed my view on it.

Excited to see the outcome.

Let's do this.

So Murray is in favour of independence, John.

Wow, that's amazing.

But it's not just him, John.

What about the other top 100-ranked tennis players in the world?

Well, world number 54, Edouard Roger Vassalin of France, said it's sickening the way big business is essentially trying to blackmail Scots into voting no.

They're as good as taking backhanders from Westminster.

Whereas Lucas Lacko, the Slovakian world number 84, he's on the other side.

He says, I'm with a no camp, and I expect I'll get a volley of abuse for that on the women's game Alison van Eykvank world number 79 from Holland says yes the UK system is not currently working fairly but that doesn't mean that independence is right by which I mean I think it would be a double fault whereas Simona Hallep the world number two from Romania said I'm world number two Simona Hallep from Romania I'm with the yes camp I think significantly reducing the size of something can give you much more energy and mobility I know this because I have shot up the world rankings of late following major breast reduction surgery So it could be that Simona Hallep's

spectacular year on the tennis circuit by far the best year of her career could swing the referendum in favour of yes.

History will be the judge.

A lot of the economic debate, John, has been focused on Scotland's oil and how much it would have.

There's various speculation over exactly how much.

It's slightly less than they would have had after Tony Blair did a cheeky little move of Britain's maritime borders.

And I think he claimed he was just

protecting the North Sea oil from the invading Iraqi navy at the time.

But

40 years is what I've heard around Scotland has around about 40 years of oil so I guess it's not a pressing concern.

I mean that is a lifetime away in certain parts of inner city Glasgow which I guess might be the problem.

And also I'm not sure that this oil will give Scotland the economic independence and self-determination it craves.

I mean look at how oil works around the world, John.

I think what it will give Scotland is the chance to dream that maybe if it goes independent one day in five, ten, maybe fifteen years' time, a Scottish oil billionaire will be pissing away his nation's birthrights on a mid-ranking English Premier League football team.

Live the dream, Scotland.

Live the dream.

And now on this historic day for Britain and British democracy, as we are about to shard into a million different pieces as a nation, potentially, it's time for a special bugle ask a Scotsman.

And that Scotsman is the former bugle producer, Tom, currently based about as far away from Scotland as he can physically get without leaving the surface of the planet in Australia.

Hello, Tom!

Freedom!

Oh, what?

We're going to be using the pound.

How is that going to work?

So,

are you excited about this piece of democracy that you, as a proud Scotsman, are not entitled to take part in?

Not remotely, no.

Right.

and uh because I mean there's a number of very awkward uh awkward constitutional questions that haven't been adequately answered I believe by either side what is going to happen to the Queen's iHeart UK tattoo I mean what what are we gonna because the the name of the country could have to change the former UK could be you know F UK that comes with that's fraught with difficulties and a bugler bugler suggests

I think northern I think the Queen's tattoo is safe to keep your interest Andy I'm going to use a sporting analogy.

Okay, yeah, my full undivided essential like the Scotland football team, full of false hope,

taking on the world champions recently, Germany,

running them pretty close, 2-1, but no one really expected them to win.

It was all part of sentimental Celtic romanticism that really no one puts much faith in.

The no camp is more like the England team,

which represents capital and the markets and the media.

It's depressing, it's relentless, but somehow it just keeps on going on, depressing us, and that is reality.

So it's hope versus reality and I think it's very much going to be reality tomorrow.

I'm putting my

bet on that.

A dance as old as democracy itself.

The Queen's tattoo should be fine, Andy.

She can just turn the UK into the University of Kentucky logo.

It's fine.

She's just going to become a huge University of Kentucky fan.

I think she did that.

That will never go away.

She did a semester there, I think, didn't she?

She was in the volleyball team.

I do have to question the legitimacy of two race traitors being part of this, John being based in America and me being based in Australia.

Yeah, me and Chris are basically holding this whole country together.

If they leave, it's all on you, Andy.

Scotland had no problem with England while I was there.

You went to Oxford, so you're David Cameron, and Chris is Miliband.

So to be honest.

What?

What?

I don't think I've ever heard Chris as angry as that in my life.

So Tom, how do you hope it's going to go?

I mean,

what side are you on?

It's very conflicting, to be honest.

The Better Together campaign has been more depressing than Scottish history.

And if anyone's actually studied Scottish history, they've seen

a litany of terrible things that will happen if mainly based around money and influence of things that we don't really have influence over.

But the other side is Alex Salmond who comes across as a very, very slick car salesman who's going, look at this, Mr.

and Mrs.

Scotland, a beautiful

convertible sports car.

Wouldn't you like to feel the freedom in your hair amongst the drizzle and the midges?

Excuse me, Mr.

Salmond, what's that alarming lack of oil at the bottom of the car?

Don't be concerned with that.

Look at this beautiful freedom that I'm offering you.

Let me put your

myths to rest here.

Scotland's actually done quite well out of the Union.

And this is someone who I was a committed nationalist until about the age of 30.

We also didn't invent the deep-fried Mars barn.

That was actually invented in Hull in England.

Many other myths need to be disputed.

Haggis is actually quite nice, according to John's ridiculous racist stereotype on his so-called

we'll all be dead soon anyway.

I mean, give it a hundred years.

Who's going to give a shit?

Tom, the exiled Scots from the other half of the world.

Thank you very much indeed.

Well, that's it.

Good luck, Scotland.

However you vote, I hope you're happy with

yourselves.

I guess whatever the the result, we're going to wake up tomorrow morning, Friday morning, John, with two big questions, whatever happens.

One, what the f is Britain?

And two, seriously, what the f is Britain?

So I think this story is going to rumble on long after the voting has been counted.

That's all from this week's Bugle.

It's great to be back, Buglers.

We'll be back next week.

Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebuglepodcast.com.

And do come to my Soho Theatre Show Monday, the 22nd to Saturday, the 27th next week.

Keep your emails for that coming in to satirise this at saturistforhire.com.

Thanks to everyone who's been to see the show so far.

And until next week, goodbye and vote hard and vote often, Scotland.

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.