Bugle 267 Gaining My Religion

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 267 of.

Hang on.

Now it's gone.

Oh, I can remember the charade for it.

I'll just prop the mirror up.

Two words.

First word, t

fat thing on the t-th-th, the, yes, the.

Second word, shoot up with a needle in the...

Sorry, no, two syllables.

First syllable sounds like vomit.

Chanda.

Degurgitate.

Spew, spew, spew.

Sounds like pew, pew, yes.

Second syllable.

Current president of Turkey, Abdullah Ghul.

Is it just the just the Gul?

Bugul, the bugle.

That's it, Soduit.

Welcome to the 267th episode of the world's longest-running Covert One Direction Audio Fan Magazine predates the band, We Are That Real, with me, Andy Zoltzman, live in London this week recording in my shed in the garden.

This is where it all happens, buglers.

And joining me from his desk in New York City, which is essentially these days, one giant shed for John Oliver.

It's the man Walter Cronkite's always dreamed of being, but more so.

It is John Oliver.

Hello, John.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, Buglers.

And first off, Andy, happy Good Friday.

I know that this is a tremendously happy time for you.

It's a time to celebrate your successful trial and prosecuting the criminal.

Congratulations.

Yeah, hello.

It's a good day.

I've just been

hammering nails into things to celebrate.

Seems the most appropriate thing to do.

This will certainly be a shorter bugle this week because I am now just one week away from launching my new HBO show, which will be on HBO, unsurprisingly, on Sunday, April the 27th at 11pm, and then on various other channels around the world at various other times I realize that is literally unhelpfully vague and

I promise that I'll try and find out the details of when and where you can watch it and I'll even tweak them out that's a promise although I will add that that is an easily breakable promise

I have one more week of relatively heavy promotion so if you're getting sick of the sound or sight of my face and or voice then I'm afraid you might need to get ready to get a little sicker.

All I will say is, if it's any consolation, I am definitely significantly more nauseated by my own presence by now.

I'm even avoiding reflective surfaces and rooms with any kind of echo in them.

I had to go to a party for the launch of an edition of the Hollywood Reporter this week because I am probably on the cover of it.

And there was some journalist outside who asked, what does it feel like to be on the cover?

And without thinking, I made the mistake of answering honestly, Andy.

And I said, it feels awkward and and slightly upsetting for reasons that I can't really articulate, and I'd rather not look at it, to be honest.

And they looked at me like I was insane.

So instead, I just said, I mean, it's a huge honour.

And that seemed to be the right answer.

So this is Bugle 267.

That is now the same number of bugles as the number of cavemen killed, discovering that Tyrannosaurus Rex milk, although not in itself poisonous, was probably more hassle than it was worth.

Damn tasty, though, like a mango lassie with a hint of reptile.

Also,

the number of plays written by Shakespeare, 37 that we know about, plus 230 unpublished or disputed, including Hamlet 2, Zombie Prince Terror, Marjorie and the Wobbly Blancmange, Screw You, Alan Fu, The Matrix, and Mamma Mia.

Shakespeare, 450 years old this week, Billy Shakespeare, other birthdays this week as well.

Monday, 21st of April 2014.

Happy birthday to Her Majesty.

88 on Monday, Queen Elizabeth II, old Lizzie Windsor, little Betty Baubul, see professional monarch, and 12-time non-committal smiler of the year in Inoffensive Facial Expressions magazine.

She was born, John, interestingly, only 12 days after, in 1926, her lifelong spiritual confidant and soulmate, Hugh Hefner.

So it must have been something in the air around the world at that point.

He's still asking, she still won't do the shoot.

And on Wednesday, 37 years old on Wednesday, Her Majesty's earthly representative, the de facto British ambassador to the United States, co-star of the Bugle podcast.

It's John Oliver.

Your birthday on Wednesday, John.

I had actually forgotten that.

There you go.

That's not a great insight into my frame of mind at the moment.

But yeah, I had forgotten.

Wednesday seems too far away.

So I know you're reaching the top levels in showbiz now, John.

I should say you are officially 31 years old.

That's right.

That's right.

I can't be

a peer of Brin Diesel, Andy.

I can't be a working cop alongside him at 37.

That's no good.

It's not in the demo, Andy.

It's not in a demo.

And as we record, 18th of April, 104 years to the day since Joan of Arc, the literal hottie from history, was beatified and became a Catholic Church Hall of Famer, or saint, as they're generally known.

And interesting new research, John, has suggested that contrary to the commonly accepted story and the famous uh paintings of her death and her nicknames connie conflagration the the barbecue barbie and sizzling susie sausage she was not actually burnt at the stake rather in the age of uh the occult that she lived and weird experimentation she was the first recorded victim of homeopathic burning at the stake they just gave her a smouldering matchstick to hold ten minutes later dead as a nut didn't really catch on though 15th century crowds just wanted more of a show for their celebrations uh as always section of the bugle going straight in the bin this week with food banks in the news in Britain again this week.

We have a food politics session.

Is bread a fascist?

Why cucumbers believe in unregulated free market economics?

Should veal vote and starters, fact or fiction?

We investigate whether the popular early-in-the-meal course actually exists or it's just a fabrication to distract the people's attention away from highly level government malpractice.

That section in the bin.

Top story this week: the grateful not quite dead.

And pensions are a big problem, Andy, due to the inconvenient fact that people are just refusing to die at the most fiscally convenient time for society.

And seeing that the government of the UK is hamstrung by not being able to legally order a mandatory cull of all people older than 75, they're having to come up with some outside-of-the-coffin solutions.

And

it's going to take a bold plan, but perhaps not this bold, because the UK Pensions Minister, Steve Webb, has revealed that in the future, pensioners in Britain will be given estimates of how long they have left to live to help them manage their savings.

He argues that most people underestimate how long they'll live, resulting in poor financial projections.

So experts will apparently now look at factors such as smoking, eating habits, and socio-economic backgrounds when determining approximate life expectancy.

I'm presuming that this has been relatively controversial over there, Andy, because there was an outcry here when it was suggested that Obamacare was going to include death panels even though there was no suggestion of that inside it whatsoever but this is an actual government suggestion there's not even death panels it's death fortune tellers

well I mean we would have been up in arms about it John had we not spent every single day of of our national life looking at pictures of Cape Middleton looking quite pretty on the front of newspapers so it's been slightly slightly buried by this but I mean I think it's I think it's fine I'd like the government to go much further and just you know just basically just give us a precise precise death day that that we can all plan towards it it's good to have certainty in death as in life and there's a factors as you say smoking eating habits and socioeconomic background those three factors would make a pretty socially revealing Venn diagram but there must be other factors as well that play into how long you're going to live such as you know are you a total dick that people might want to bump off or are you easily riled or with an addiction to fast cars Who knows?

It's very encouraging news.

The government's recent budget seemed largely aimed at getting pensioners to blow as much of their economic safety

nests as possible on impulse buys.

Why fork out hundreds of thousands of pounds to stay for years and years in a nursing home waiting for the merciful rabbit punch of death when you could drive a Lamborghini around for a few months and then just sleep rough until you freeze to death?

So, and also given the new Christian slan this government appears to be taking, more of which later,

I think it's good that they let people know when they're going to shuffle off the mortal cult to meet their maker so they can work out for the last few months, you know, just trim down for a couple of months so they look good at the pearly gates.

I know it shouldn't make a difference, John, to whether or not you get into

eternal bliss.

But we all know it does.

You know, people don't vote for beards, and God loves a six-pack.

I mean, look at Jesus, absolutely rip to the crumpets, he was the lad.

Clearly trying to impress his dad.

There's no need, though, Andy, for this consultation even to be face-to-face with an insurance representative.

It should be entirely possible.

Just have a government robot come to your house, you input your information on a keypad attached to its stomach, and it will shit out a piece of paper with a number on it, and that is when you'll probably die.

And there is nothing at all chillingly dystopian about any of this, Andy.

Either that or make this a great public spectacle.

Announce people's numbers on TV like a lottery upon their retirement.

Here are your death dates.

Mike Barnaby of Dorset, 72.

Congratulations, Mike.

Enjoy the next seven years.

Dawn Bluckland of Chester, 93.

Oh, huge number for you, Dawn.

Congratulations and commiserations.

That feels a little too long.

And last name out of the hat, Ian Prince of Lancaster, 66.

Have a great year, Ian.

Live it like it's your last, which statistically it will be.

Well, there's still a bit of uncertainty, John, because

I think it needs to be definite.

There was a very interesting article on this in a publication that's very close to my heart, the Actuarial Post,

in which a financial expert talking about life expectancy of financial planning said it's vital to understand that this is just an average figure.

At the end of the day, it's still impossible to say with complete certainty whether an individual will die tomorrow or live to receive a telegram from the Queen.

I don't know if he said that in a slightly sinister voice, suggesting that he's about to bump someone off.

But I think just give it time, John.

Science, the fearsomely unstoppable cut that it is, will soon sort this out for us.

We'll know exactly when.

And the government should be doing this.

Just as they judge everything else, they should be judging it by virtue.

It shouldn't be down to lifestyle choices.

It should be down to financial utility to the British nation.

They should be sitting people down and saying, well, Mr.

Fruggin, you've earned very healthily in your chosen careers and investment, nabob.

Tick, you've sent your children to private school, tick.

Private healthcare, tick.

Congratulations.

You've barely cost the state a penny.

You can have another 33 years.

Pop buckwheat in 98 with a chosen method of death, please.

Preferably not one of the messy ones.

Do enjoy your retirement.

Now, Mrs.

Glapp, oh dear, someone's had a tough life, haven't they, Mrs.

Glapp?

Five kids all through the state sector, lots of stresses and strains, judging by the number of times you've been in and out of hospital.

That's an awful lot of benefits you've needed to look after your offspring.

And well, you haven't drunk or smoked or driven a car.

So not even contributing that much to the exchequer in taxes.

So tot it up.

How old are you now?

65.

Oh dear, that's your lot.

Hard luck, Edna.

Please bring a glass of water and five tablets for Mrs.

Glap.

You're allowed one last phone call.

I think you should find out when you're going to die on the day that you die, Andy, from a telegram from the Queen.

Basically, you should have an envelope from Buckingham Palace with a handwritten note inside saying you die today.

That's the best way to have it.

So Steve Webb, the government's grim mathematical reaper, has suggested that

insurance companies should use all of these factors, right down to hereditary factors and postcodes to pin down a rough date of death.

And the concern is that that date may actually be longer than most people think.

Life expectancy is rising steadily in the UK.

Females are now projected to live until 82.7 years on average.

Males around 78.9 years.

And why did the government stop there, Andy?

Why didn't we just ask people to sign a death guarantee?

I promise to be dead by this time.

Because that seems to be what we're all dancing around like you say we will support you until such time as you are not economically viable after which time we fully expect you to trampoline yourself off a cliff

The correlation between economic background and life expectancy is depressingly clinical and it is absolutely the case here in the US too.

There are impoverished parts of this country where the average male life expectancy is 64 years old, which is less than Iraq.

That is not a great non-war zone number in a fully developed country.

In England, estimates suggest that a girl born today in Dorset can expect to live to 86.6 years on average, 14 years longer than a boy born in inner city Glasgow.

Because in Glasgow, which has the lowest figure for both men and women, it's 72.6 and 78.5 years respectively.

And I guess the lesson there is, Andy, if you're running out of pension, you're struggling to get by, just move to inner city Glasgow and they will finish you off.

It's it's not euthanasia what I'm saying what I'm saying Andy is living in Glasgow is mathematically tantamount to assisted suicide

that's not me saying that that's numbers Andy numbers I've had gigs in Glasgow that have certainly felt that way anyway

Cameron, Christian news now.

And politics in the US is heavily outwardly religious, even if politicians themselves are not religious here.

They had better find a way to f ⁇ ing pretend to be.

The UK, however, is very close to the polar opposite, which is why it was such a surprise when David Cameron all of a sudden pushed the God button this week while playing the Christian card and simultaneously taking a double shot of Jesus juice.

He developed it, he declared himself as evangelical about his Christian faith.

and criticized some non-believers for failing to understand the role that religion can have in, and I quote, helping people to have a moral code.

And of course, that's true, Andy.

Religion can and does help people to have a moral code, although it doesn't necessarily merely take religion to do that.

A moral code can also be acquired through a basic desire to not be an arsehole.

And really, the not being an arsehole inclination can actually be a simpler and more effective code than a religious one.

It's basically a six-word Bible.

And God said unto Moses, try not to be an arsehole.

And Moses said unto him, no problem and Moses' wife rolled her eyes and Moses said what and Moses' wife said nothing

well it's basically the fundamental teachings of Jesus mostly boiled down to that Cameron said what I think is so good about Jesus' teachings is there are lots of things that he said that you can still apply very directly to daily life and to bringing up children and you know as a part qualified parent and a massive incorrigible Bible reader I can certainly back that up certainly the parable of the kid who spent six hours a day using social media very valuable to today's 21st century parent.

The miracle of the broken skateboard and the tantrum, another absolute Jesus classic.

And of course, his famous saying, eat thy greens, for he who munches upon my father's vegetables shall verily be as regular as clockwork.

Three times this week, David Cameron highlighted his faith, basically pulling a reverse doubting Thomas, saying that he wanted to see a bigger role for religion in Britain as a Christian country and urged fellow believers to be more confident in spreading their views.

I'm not sure what he means by more confident, Andy.

Does he mean being more confident than just a fish bumper sticker on a car?

Does he mean actually behave consistent with Christian teachings?

Because I think people really enjoy the sheer convenience of just leaving it with fish bumper stickers on cars.

It really frees up a lot of human behavior.

That's very useful on a day-to-day basis.

He also claimed about a week ago that talking about his big society project, which was much trumpeted in the build-up to the last election in 2010, has basically been largely forgotten about apart from occasional mentions in speeches.

And he said that Jesus invented the big society and that Cameron is just continuing God's work.

So he's gone from someone who three years ago said his belief in God is, quote, a bit like the reception for Magic FM in the Chilterns.

It sort of comes and goes.

And he's suddenly gone from that, from his faith being like listening to Magic FM in the Chilterns, to being an emissary of the work of God.

That is that is a big step up in three years, John.

That is, I mean, I don't know how many, I know Cameron is famously from a well-connected family, and he's sort of probably

helped him get up the God ladder, but that's a, that's extraordinary.

Big society, the work of G, the invention of Jesus Christ, the essential doctrine of big society seems to be, if you want something done, do it yourself.

And Jesus, well, as the founder of Big Society turns out, must have been a big DIY enthusiast, making his ultimate means of death being hammered to some large pieces of wood even more ironic.

Cameron has also said in the past that he was starting to test his children on their knowledge of the gospel at breakfast and told them that Easter, quote, wasn't about chocolate eggs.

Well, that very much depends which scriptures you read.

There are two sides to every sandwich, John, and some versions of the Bible, according to the Gospel, according to Saint Rico, chapter 18, verse 11.

Jesus' last recorded miracle was while he was on the cross, desperately attempting to miracle his way out of what had become a very sticky situation, but suffering with the pain, the heat, and no longer in full control of his faculties.

He tried to miracle his cross into a space rocket, but got it wrong, and instead turned his testicles into chocolates.

He's right, Andy.

He is right.

Easter is not just about chocolate eggs.

It is, and I think it's pretty clear, about a crucified reindeer.

Hold on, is that right?

Oh, look, it's been a while.

I just think he's under the misapprehension, Andy, that saying Jesus invented a big society, I'm I'm just continuing God's work.

I think he's under the misapprehension that that is a humble thing to say.

Even though basically saying I have the same ideas as Jesus is a little cocky.

It's a little confident, Andy.

Politicians in the UK are usually genuinely reticent to discuss religion.

Tony Bray's press secretary Alastair Campbell once famously said that New Labour did not do God.

And Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is an atheist, while opposition leader Ed Miliband is Jewish and mentioned on a recent trip to Jerusalem last week that he would love to become the first ever Jewish prime minister although for that to happen he would have to go back in time and exterminate previous Jewish prime minister Benjamin Disraeli which would be a pretty anti-Semitic thing for a Jew to do

He described his religion as saying, I have a particular faith.

I describe myself as a Jewish atheist.

I'm Jewish by birth, origin, and it's part of who I am.

I don't believe in God, but I think faith is a really important thing for a lot of people.

To describe yourself as a Jewish atheist, Andy, is the language of a heavily lapsed Jew.

He puts your lapsed Judaism to shame, Andy, and you are someone who would happily live in a bacon igloo if you could.

Well, I think really the only thing, the only remnant of my Jewishness that I still have is, which I've really had ever since I was really, very small, is

a lifelong fear of people attacking the end of my penis with a sharpened blade so um

so I don't know if you know you're a you're you're a Gentile John do you suffer from similar similar fears

I don't

as a full Gentile Andy

I just live in perpetual fear and guilt of everything and nothing at the same time it's uh it's a hell of a seesaw of spirituality

um Jesus of course had a lot of nice ideas about stuff uh some of which don't seem to entirely chime with uh the Tory government policies.

We talked before about the pick up your bed and walk shtick that Jesus was famous for and how it comes down really to the tone of voice in which you say it.

Many Christian commentators see those words as signs not only of Jesus' miraculous healing powers but of his fundamental compassion for the afflicted.

But David Cameron as a massive Jesus fan has reinterpreted them.

Pick up your bed and walk as basically a desire to set about stripping benefits, facilities and dignity from the disabled, clearly seeing it as a clarion call to force people to stand on their own two feet, literally and metaphorically, even when that is literally and or metaphorically impossible.

Jesus, of course, had a lot of lovely ideas about stuff and shit like that,

but he didn't really cost them out, John.

That's my main beef with Jesus.

And he wasn't in a position of executive responsibility.

It was too easy for him to make all these promises and say things like, stop being dead, give all your money away, don't be a dick, be nice to each other, reform the banking sector and quit hammering nails into my poor's metal head.

Sure, people liked it in theory, but this is classic opposition politician behaviour, John.

Jesus never had to make the tough decisions.

Also, I had a very questionable record with equal opportunities employment.

No women in his boardroom, John.

12 white males, according to medieval pictures of the last supper.

12 white males.

In fact, thinking about it, that is not that dissimilar to David Cameron's cabinet.

So maybe, maybe there's more to this than he's let on.

Your emails, now this one comes in from Liz in Brooklyn, who writes John when you announced that it was just a matter of time before the penis graffiti began on the ad campaign for your show I had but one thought how long until somebody at my station in Brooklyn writes something on John's face to let him know that he's a racist answer about two weeks sorry to say it John but as of this morning you have a swastika on your face

and when some and she says when a friend's got something on their face it's only right to tell them it's right there John on your face best wishes from Liz in Brooklyn.

So do they.

Can someone please graffiti that graffiti and at least make it a penis with a swastika tapu on it?

That will be slightly less bad.

At least then the swastika's not on me.

Or just look at it from a

diagonal.

Actually, no, hang on.

No, it's this.

This is a straight up.

This is a Hindu swastika, John.

Because the Nazi one is at an angle, isn't it?

And the Hindu one is

straight.

And that's a sign of auspiciousness.

So in many ways, this is the ultimate compliment.

These are people thinking that your show is going to go well.

Unless they were leaning over at 45 degrees when they drew it.

So we will wrap it up there for this week's abbreviated

bugle.

John, down a phone line.

I understand you're actually going to be doing your entire HBO show down a phone line.

This is really just...

Yeah, I'm going to personally call HBO subscribers, Andrew.

And

I was taking it back to the old school.

So we are off next week.

Any buglers out there in Luxembourg, I'm doing gigs in Luxembourg on Wednesday and Thursday and Paris on Friday whilst John is launching the future of American television.

Well done for not being able to say that without laughing at me.

Well, you know, the future comes in many forms.

That's what Armageddon's technically part of the future as well.

So, well, I hope it goes really well.

I'm sure it'll go brilliantly.

I hope so.

I will be taking the temperature on the streets of Luxembourg to see how the excitement is

there.

So we'll be back.

We'll have a sub-bugle next week.

Do if you are in America with HBO Access, watch John's show.

Sunday nights at 11pm.

Sunday nights at 11pm.

Please watch.

please please

and come and see me in Luxembourg if you can't be asked to do that so that's it until two weeks time we'll be back with bugle 268 until then do check out our soundcloud page soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcasts.com and we will speak at you again in May goodbye

hi buglers it's producer Chris here I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.