Bugle 261 – Crimea River

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 261 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 3rd of March 2014 with me Andy Zoltzmann freshly back from winning bronze at the Sochi Olympics in the men's snowman describing contest.

It's like a bloke made of like snow with an orange pointy thing where his snow should be.

Bit fat, no legs.

Looks like a bit of a prick, to be honest.

Not the highest standard of competition, but you should have heard the guy that came forth.

Ah, it's like a purple desk with a Waltz Pancreas on it.

Save me, Lord!

Save me!

Still, got a bronze, and that's another 3 million quid of funding in the bag.

I think they're paying for it by confiscating footballs from 20,000 kids' teams.

Still, podium finish.

And joining me from New York City, it's the man who's outlasted Piers Morgan on American television.

And there can be no higher accolade than that.

It's the 21st century's Piers Morgan, John Oliver.

hello andy hello buglers i'll tell you how i outlasted piers morgan andy and that is by not

people

back

um

he may also have done that i was i think i just might have heard a lawyer phoning in there yeah he he may also not have

it's unlikely but he may have done it but i definitely did right but that you definitely might have as well it's unlikely though I'm sure that's just one of many things you've got in common with him that you

didn't

he's innocent for now

now

the the development here andy is that we are finally in our new offices for uh the new hbo show and you might remember that my old temporary office overlooks the bank of america building well i'm happy to announce that that is no longer the case instead my new office overlooks the new york department of sanitation and I somehow feel that that is more appropriate, Andy.

I think what I've consistently tried to do with my life is a lot closer to the Department of Sanitation than it is to Bank of America.

Well,

I was away in Naples last week on holiday testing out various scientific theories on how many times you can say to a five-year-old boy, if you're naughty, that volcano is going to go off before he stops believing it.

Turns out the answers are around about the 12 region.

Also went to the Archaeological Museum there, which has got a lot of the mosaics and paintings found in Pompeii.

And

I'll tell you what, John, those ancient Romans were not afraid of a penis on a wall.

That is one of their many defining features.

And it made me think that if we had been doing the bugle in Pompeii,

we would have had an absolute uncontrollable deluge of emails every week from people saying, I've just seen a penis on my own living room wall.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, it's an Oscars special pull-out.

As the Oscars this weekend...

Is it this weekend?

Is it Sunday?

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

The Oscars this Sunday, as we record in just a couple of days, tension growing.

Which films will turn out to be better than they actually were by virtue of winning a prize and which other ones will turn out to have actually been total shit due to being overlooked.

We also, in our exclusive supplement, look into the many sequels that will inevitably be spawned.

From Gravity, for example, nominated in 43 categories this year, including Most Predictable Storyline, the sequel, Grab a Tea, in which Sandra Bullock gets back to normality, hooking up with old friends for a series of cups of tea.

But is everything as it seems?

Yes.

12.

12 years a pantomime cow.

Steve McQueen continues his series of what it's like doing one job for 12 years films with part two, a rather more light-hearted effort.

This one with uh rafe finds as ermintrude front and anne hathaway as ermintrude back uh and canadian hustle basically the same but with much less happening some beards and an escaped moose

also we look at the uh fashion obviously a big part of uh big part of the big american awards ceremonies as uh john would no doubt testify um

from his recent uh what was the awards did you have a special frock because you hosted an awards recently didn't you uh oh i did yeah i wore yeah i wore um well it's uh oscar de la joya all right

well like big shorts big spaggly shorts

yeah he's got a lovely line in them

that was the original oscar de la joya

uh we that might be the stupidest thing i've ever said andy well that's a big claim i mean i didn't even think about it before i said it it was only after saying i thought that it might be the stupidest joke i've ever said

well this year's hot hollywood designer is of course uh glooping strange Strange.

Very much the hot property for the stars this year.

Offer his new range of literal clothing, resulted in a near fatality at the Golden Globes.

The award ceremony named, of course, after Butch Reynolds' nuts.

At the Golden Globes, the actress Pipette Newbrain, star of recent TV shows such as My Aunt is a Penguin, Dungeons of Bread, and the sitcom administrative workers.

She wore Strange's exciting new neckwear product, the Feather Boa, which Strange had made by surgically sewing feathers from a freshly plucked peacock onto a live boa constrictor.

The scarf looked amazing, particularly when it started moving, apparently of its own accord.

There were gasps of admiration as New Brain posed for the cameras, which seemed only to stir the scarf still further until the actress was writhing around in breathless agony on the red carpet, shouting at the assembled photographers, don't shoot me from the left, I have a mole, while Strange ran forward with a syringe, screaming, oh balls, I forgot to tranquilise him.

And New Brain's agent ran forward with a syringe screaming, oh bulls, I forgot to tranquilise her.

Also look out for in the other literal clothing, high eel shoes made from cocaine addled conger eels and stock kings made from the charred overalls of the late former stock car racing champion Don Il Flout.

All that's in the bin

top story this week Ukraine update well Andy it has been quite a couple of weeks in Ukraine.

In fact things are happening so fast over there at the moment that there's absolutely no guarantee that what we're saying right now is going to be relevant whenever you listen to this, even if you listen to it in the next 12 hours.

Basically, if you blink in Kiev at the moment, you may miss three separate changes of government, and in fact, Ukraine may not even be called Ukraine anymore.

It might be called Russia, more Europe, or the Eastern Bonfire.

The main headline.

That was an insane name, wasn't it?

In your early days?

It was, yeah, it was.

I thought they could use it.

I can loan it out.

The main headline this week is that President Weird Al Yanukovych is gone.

And not just from presidential office, but gone in a physical sense too, as he seems to have vanished into thin air and no one is entirely sure where he is.

It's a David Blaine-level disappearing act, Andy.

If David Blaine had killed hundreds of protesters before doing it, and that's possible, Andy.

He's an edgy magician.

He wears a leather jacket.

Well, in fact, it already changed because he has now, since, probably since you were last awake, John, because I know it's very early in the morning.

So

he's turned up in Russia and given a press conference.

He's definitely in Russia, is he?

He's definitely in Russia.

And he's given a press conference saying that he will fight.

He has.

He will fight for his country.

That's what he's saying.

I will fight for my country, he says.

He doesn't specify whether that is Russia or Ukraine.

But it also said, I intend to continue to struggle for the future of Ukraine against terror and fear.

I think he might have got his fors and againsts mixed up there.

But anyway, he's back, John.

He's back since you wrote that last line.

It just goes to show things are happening f ⁇ ing fast over there.

So there's currently, unless I'm wrong again, an interim government led by interim president Oleksandr Turchinov amid concerns that Ukraine is so divided now that it might be about to split up with itself.

And Russia is exactly as pleased with the outcome as you'd expect from an ex-boyfriend who really wants to get back together with the girl he used to knock around and who's now trying to see someone else.

And they can really speak their mind on this, the Russians, now, especially because they're no longer, well, conveniently, they're no longer tied down by needing to put a face on for the Olympics anymore.

So Russia can really take off the gloves that they never really put on.

And just as a warm-up this week, Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev described the new government in Ukraine as mutineers who had conducted an armed mutiny.

Well, that is semantically sound, Andy.

Armed mutinies are what mutineers tend to do.

Has Medvedev always been such a stickler for language, Andy?

The new government are rioters.

who have participated in riots.

Medvedev is a stickler for grammar as much as he's a stickler for complete subservience to the Russian state.

Last Sunday, Ukraine's parliament reduced the official status of the Russian language in their country, overturning a law that had been brought in by Yanukovych.

And Putin essentially responded by saying, oh, what a pity you downgraded Russian as your official language.

Now you will not be able to understand us when we tell you to go f ⁇ yourselves.

Yeah, Russia is certainly getting involved.

I found it a bit hard to keep up with this because much of it all kicked off whilst I was

in Napoli, snouted down in a series of sensational pizzas.

And it's very hard to pay attention on major news stories

with that or a mouthful of mozzarella.

But

man, it's like eating fresh god.

But I'll do my best.

And

as you say, Russia had been showing the world its friendly face during the Winter Olympics, even going so far as to involve in some self-deprecating humour in the closing ceremony, referring back to the opening ceremony bloop and watch one of the Olympic rings failed to materialise.

Of course, behind the happy laughter was the certain knowledge that whoever is responsible for that original mistake has probably spent much of the last two weeks desperately stocking up on extremely thermal underwear for the 30 years of very cold winters that lie ahead in his involuntary new home.

But just days after smiley Russia waggled its goodbye arse at the world, like at the 1950s pin-up girl nation it never pretended to be in the 1950s, it is now isolated, staring with dead-eyed, borderline, psychotic, fixed-mouthed Richter's grin

at

the rest of the world and unzipping its Cold War-issue trousers before plonking a very militaristic dick on the table for everyone to fail to converse about.

And I hope I've explained what's going on in terms that the youth of today can understand.

There's suggestions that Russian vehicles have been seen in

the Crimea.

There have been Russian flags hoisted by pro-Russia forces.

And it's all a bit worrying, John.

This place, Ukraine, is disturbingly in Europe, John.

It is in Europe.

And civil wars in Eastern Europe have a bit of a checkered history for spilling over over the last exactly 100 and a half years

Ukraine is currently facing straight into the void of bankruptcy its currency is at a 10-year low and one report this week said a promised loan from Russia is looking increasingly unlikely yeah no shit it's looking unlikely you're not getting that money now that loan was not from the bottom of their heart it was from the middle of their clenched fist in fact you shouldn't think of that as a a bailout think of it as a bribe so who exactly is running the Ukraine right now well as I mentioned before the interim president is Oleksander Turchinov he's 49 years old and if you've seen a picture of him he looks like someone who has just kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter again

he's

he's an ex-Baptist minister it's a strong look

it sure is It sure is.

He's also written a number of novels, which are mainly dark stories about political corruption.

Well, you know what they say Andy write what you know.

In fact, one of those books his 2005 novel The Illusion of Fear was actually made into a movie and was submitted as the 2008 entry for best foreign language film at the Academy Wards.

It didn't actually make the shortlist and having watched the trailer for it Andy I think I know why and that's because it may have been in the wrong category because after watching it I think it should have been in the category of most bananas piece of inexplicable filmmaking cooked up by someone in the middle of a peyote-induced fever dream.

A little more background.

Turchinov has close, close ties to Yulia Tymoshenko, serving as her deputy prime minister in the past.

Tymoshenko is the ex-prime minister of Ukraine, who's quaffed like a platinum blonde Princess Leia, and who was released from prison this week after spending the last few years in jail for embezzlement and abuse of power, albeit after a trial that was in front of a court so kangaroo-like that it literally had a fur pouch for Yanukovych to sit in hanging from the front front of the judge's desk.

The concern of protesters in Kiev is that this might be setting up for her return to power, meaning that it's less a step forward into a brand new future as it is a step backwards into a slightly less loathsome past.

Russia has accused the European Union of instigating a coup d'état by mob violence, which is a refreshing change for the European Union, which is usually accused of being excessively regulatory about the shape of bananas.

But I guess it's good to be flexible as an organisation.

Today, mandatory cucumber girth regulations.

Tomorrow, instigate bloody popular revolution in a nearby state.

Oh, it must be great to be the EU.

The current concern, as you mentioned, is that the Crimea seems to be as combustible as it's possible to be.

It's an autonomous region, the Crimea, predominantly Russian-speaking, and it is very much Yanukovych territory.

There are actually concerns that the Crimea may want to become a Russian territory again now.

It's been part of the Ukraine for the last 60 years since Khrushchev, who was a Ukrainian, redrew internal Soviet boundaries to make a gift of the peninsula to Ukraine.

And that must have felt so nice for the Crimea, Andy, to suddenly be objectified as someone's gift.

It must be so humanizing to have Russian soldiers suddenly turn up and start gift-wrapping your village and telling you all to keep quiet so as not to spoil the surprise.

The only thing more demoralizing than that would have been having to watch the Ukraine fake enthusiasm for the gift as they unwrapped it.

Oh,

you got us a peninsula.

Oh,

how did you know?

It'll be the perfect accessory to our border.

Was there a receipt for this at all, in case we just rather have the cash alternative?

Of course, Crimea, the celebrity peninsula, was responsible for springing Florence Nightingale to prominence.

Yes, in the mid-19th century war.

Florence Nightingale, of course, the Nefertiti of nursing, the Monroe of Medicine, the Bridget Bordeaux of battlefield bombs.

Oh, yeah, it's all coming back.

And as you say, it's hotly disputed.

And Russian, pro-Russian forces apparently have been blockading Sevastopol airport.

The Ukraine's interior minister, actually says they are Russian military forces.

Pro-Russian government have stormed the administrative complex in Simferopol.

Of course, the only city in the world named after an ointment for troublesome scrotal eczema.

And throughout his, I mean, part of the problem is that throughout history, Ukraine has changed hands like an indecisive Saudi Arabian cereal thief

with a penchant for prosthetics about to go on a first date with an award-winning and judgmental manicurist.

One of the most spectacular revelations over the last week has been the sheer opulence of the country estate of Yanukovych.

It was not surprising though, is it, John?

I mean, that's...

Well, I guess not.

It's just that it was the depth of it, which was perhaps slightly surprising.

It was thrown open to the public after the parliamentary vote that removed him from power, and people have been walking around it with their mouths justifiably hanging open.

It used to be a state resident, but Yanukovych illegally made it his own private mansion in 2007.

Classic dictator move.

And after that, he embarked on a huge renovation project.

As journalists walked around, they saw, among other things, papers half destroyed by water, classic dictator move.

25 rounds for an AK-47 machine gun, even special underwater cartridges.

Why Why the f did he need underwater bullets, Andy?

Was he genuinely wanting to turn himself into a bond villain?

Because if you type underwater cartridges into Amazon, it will immediately say customers who like this also liked eye patches.

Other bizarre objects they found were a two-kilogram golden loaf of bread, which is a real f you to Ukrainian peasants across the country.

It's also a

nightmare and a toaster.

I mean the danger of an electric shock from that really cannot be underestimated.

Also, they found two vehicle fleets with tens of cars costing between $100,000 and $800,000 each.

Stuffed birds crucified onto wooden crosses.

What?

It's what Jesus would have wanted, John.

Why the hell did he want a selection of wall-mounted bird Jesuses, Andy?

That is...

So bizarre.

I don't think we ever gave him enough credit on this podcast.

A world leader with a wall of crucified bird Jesuses is right in the bugle's wheelhouse.

And wish Soundshow is gone.

Journalists also found the video collection of him.

Apparently, he preferred films about mafia, gangsters, life in prison, and Joseph Stalin.

And one of his DVDs apparently had the conspicuous name, Embezzlers of State Property.

I'm not sure that was a film as much as that was a home movie.

The most magnificent find, however, was, and I quote, a bedspread with a naked picture of Yanukovych.

Yes, Andy,

yes.

This really begs the question, has there ever in human history been a dictator with good taste, Andy?

Has there been a single new found dictator who has said to a designer, I like a sleek modern minimalist look.

Let's just get some nice...

Nice quality pieces in here, clean lines, maybe a couple of orchids, nothing too flashy.

Oh, and of course I nearly forgot a gigantic bedspread with a naked portrait of me on it.

Well, of course, no sooner as you say the words hardline president ousted been uttered than the words ludicrous luxury resident is revealed, followed, as well as accusations of massive levels of embezzlement and inevitably Swiss bank accounts frozen.

All those phrases followed in a dance as old as despotism itself and also as old as Swiss political and moral neutrality itself.

Slightly less expected though, following on from the thing that you've revealed about what was in this palace, were the words, owned a replica Spanish galleon and

keeps ostriches in the garden.

That is a lovely twist, John.

That is a nice thing to have on your dating website profile, I imagine.

I'm telling you, Andy,

it was somewhere this compound between Kim Jong-un, Donald Trump, Versailles, and Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.

back in its heyday at its peak Andy before Martin Bashir ruined everything

but ironically it was the galleon fan yanukovic who found himself all at sea and even more ironically it was the ostrich owning president himself who took flight

thank you very much thank you thank you on wednesday night questions

the on wednesday night the new cabinet was unveiled to a crowd of protesters and the new prime minister um arsenev uh yat yatsenyuk yeah that's that's right that's what let's Let's just pause and think about that name for a bit.

Arsene Yatsenyuk.

Yeah,

he gave an incredible interview to the BBC in which he said, and I quote, and bear in mind, this is him being unveiled to the country, Andy.

This is his inauguration speech.

He said in an interview, we are to undertake extremely unpopular steps as the previous government and previous president were so corrupted that the country is in a desperate financial plight.

We're on the brink of disaster disaster and this is the government of political suiciders.

So welcome to hell.

Holy shit Andy, that guy really knows how to inspire people.

Welcome to hell.

Is that the Ukrainian version of yes we can?

Because that might be the bleakest, realist inauguration speech I've ever heard.

It is with great reluctance that I accept the role of Prime Minister.

This is going to be awful.

The only consolation I have is that as fed as I am, you are all even more fed.

May God bless Ukraine.

And he hasn't so far, so I frankly don't see why he'd suddenly start now.

Welcome to hell, motherfers.

It's a strong start.

Very strong.

You might be wondering what the international community has been doing in the midst of all this.

And so far, the reaction has been to say,

oh, this is all a little bit awkward.

And once again, we're going with the fingers crossed, hopefully the best technique that has proved so successful elsewhere.

UK immigration news now.

And what my experience with the UK immigration process is perhaps a little different, Andy, as my contact with them has largely been in the form of an awkward exit interview.

Mr.

Oliver, can you tell us why you're leaving?

Oh, mainly due to complete lack of interest.

Okay, sorry it didn't work out.

Are you sorry?

No.

That was basically...

That's basically my contact with them.

The UK immigration process, though, may soon become less an application and more an auction because it's been proposed by a government committee in the uk that britain essentially auction off residency applications to the highest bidder and that really captures the romantic dream of immigrants looking for a better life doesn't it andy a group of billionaires in a room with auction paddles and a fast talking sotheby's employee saying our next lot uh an official residency of the united kingdom very attractive lot potentially useful for investment or tax purposes.

What am I bid?

One million, one million.

Do I hear one million, two million, two million?

Do I hear five?

Five million, five million.

Gentlemen at the back, ten, ten million, ten million pounds.

Don't worry, there are plenty more of these, as many as there needs to be, despite what the UK immigration process says to asylum seekers.

Ten million, ten million, ten million.

Sold to the suspicious-looking man in the expensive suits

with the red laser dot on his forehead.

I wanted to get his bid in extremely quickly.

This is basically Britain Britishness for sale.

I mean, you just need to look at the owners of Premier League football clubs to know that a lot of money is very helpful in getting accepted into Britain.

And we really don't care where that money came from or whose money it really is, as long as you have access to it and there's fing loads of it.

The Migration Advisory Committee report suggested bumping up the current £1 million price tag for getting residency.

£1 million plus not having too many obvious murders on your CV.

Bumping this up to £2 million, which should keep the riffraff out, John.

We want to make sure we get the highest caliber of dodgy oligarch using Britain as an assassination buffer and buying up what were once considered our national resources.

That's amazing.

So, the lesson they've taken away from Andy is not that this system seems to have been corrupted with money, it's, oh, we need to charge more.

That's it.

And this came out in the same week that government figures revealed that they are spectacularly missing their stated targets for net migration, which has risen over 30% in a year to more than 200,000 in the

year.

Now, I knew this would happen, John, as soon as we started building harbours and shit like that here thousands of years ago.

And also when human beings started developing a mental capacity to want to move to a different place if things were a bit shit in the place they were living, such as when there were too many dinosaurs or not enough berries or over-bubbly volcanoes, that kind of stuff.

It's been a human impulse ever since, and we should never let it have get out of hand.

We should never have let it get out of hand.

Many people are coming here from the recession-stricken southern European states, the Mediterranean states, such as Spain Spain and Greece.

And yet at the same time, our government has been proudly announcing how awesomely f ⁇ ing well our economy is now doing, or at least how awesomely, relatively undisaster, disastrously our economy is now doing, or at least some bits of that economy in some parts of the country.

But John, if they're worried about net migration, they should not be making these figures public.

They should be...

outrightly lying about them, trying to make Britain appear significantly shitter than it is, to try and stop immigrants with their sinful urges to try to make a better life of themselves from coming over here.

In fact, there's a strong economic and social case for a state-run media pumping out lies about the state of the nation, which, to be fair, is what most Tories think the BBC is.

But we basically need a media that will fake footage of famine, pestilence, war and death on the streets of Leafy Surrey.

And all the while things can be toddling along nicely.

If this is the concern, John.

But instead of that, we are flogging off.

spots in Britain and basically whoring ourselves out to the highest bidder, which I guess is all part of the bump and grind of of daily capitalism.

But it looks bad, John.

It looks bad.

If it goes through, this will be the first scheme of its kind in the world and would be the first step into essentially turning the UK immigration process into a game show that you could bribe your way to win.

And Sir David Metcalfe, who is chairman of the committee that proposed this, said, I don't find it demeaning to the UK at all.

And he said that, presumably, with his pockets stuffed with money.

About 100 visas a year would be auctioned with the winners getting accelerated settlement into the UK and comes with a host of extra benefits.

But why stop there, Andy?

Why stop there?

Because if you pay 20 million, why don't we offer some more perks?

You can drive as fast as you want, wherever you want.

For 100 million, you should be able to kill one person a year in a manner of your choosing.

Why don't we, Andy?

If money is the key problem here, why don't we just turn the UK into a gigantic game reserve?

I'm sure there'll be applications.

Well, that story we talked about the other week about the

rhino.

Exactly.

I'm sure.

If you auctioned

the hide of Prince Charles,

releasing him onto Dartmoor and letting 20 billionaires from around the world

each hunt him down with crossbows, I mean,

we would become probably about as wealthy as B and I, I think.

There's a moral argument against that, Andy, but there is not a good economic argument against it.

Which means there is not a good argument against it.

Those are exactly, John.

We are a business, not a country.

We should be hunting down Prince Charles as he runs terrified around the country.

And the world's richest men try and shoot him in the arse.

Actually, no, shoot him anywhere other than the arse, so they can mount his ass to the walls of the gigantic apartments they never actually live in.

That, Andy, is the future of Britain's economy.

Aviation feature section now, and this year, 2014, marks the 100th anniversary of the first commercial passenger flight.

And of course,

commercial passenger flights now all the rage.

I believe you've taken some, John.

I certainly have.

Doesn't that also mean, Andy, if it was the 100th anniversary of the first ever commercial flight, that it was also the 100th anniversary of the first passenger complaint that a flight was delayed the first time someone sat going oh come on I've got a meeting I'm gonna be late for oh come on well you say that and in fact the flight was in

in Florida on the 1st of January 1914 it's a 23 mile jaunt

between Tampa and St.

Petersburg on the 1st of January.

The pilot was a 25-year-old by the name of Tony Janus

flying the aircraft designer Thomas Benwust's Wust's wooden muslin flying boat number 43.

I don't think many people would go for a wood and muslin constructed airplane these days but he flew it across Tampa Bay and the passenger was a former mayor of St.

Petersburg Abram Fell and he paid $400

at auction which in today's money is around $10,000 for this 23-minute flight and asked about it afterwards he said That is the last time I'm flying with a St.

Petersburg-Tampa airboat.

The in-flight meal was awful.

I just had to open my mouth and hope an insect flew in.

The flight attendant was clearly just a glove puppet on the pilot's hand.

My movie screen was on the blink, wouldn't show the films I wanted to watch.

I was really hoping to see the new Mary Pickford film, but it was just some shit stuff from about two years ago and an unnecessary quantity of world cinema.

Seriously, who watches World Cinema on a f ⁇ ing flight?

And they lost my bags.

I waited for 45 minutes by the baggage garousel.

Nothing.

How could they have lost my f ⁇ ing bag?

I was the only f ⁇ ing guy on that two-seat plane.

And the price, seriously, 400 bucks that's going to be worth like 10 grand in a hundred years time i know there was only i know there was only one seat left on the flight and i booked it late and they obviously bumped the price off but i'm a f ⁇ ing mug i'm going delta next time these guys are shite

i think actually it was quite fitting in a way that uh this the first ever commercial flight took place in florida andy because by by its nature it was going to be a slightly dangerous leap of faith for someone and you really need the kind of bravery that comes from complete desperation and if you need a group of people who fit into that category andy look no further than the state of Florida because you will be not short of people looking into your eyes and saying how the fk do I get out of here as quickly as possible where do I sign you have plenty of desperation guinea pigs living in that swamp Andy the the only disappointment as you say is that the flight was 23 minutes long and took off from Florida and landed still in Florida and that must have been devastating for everyone on board.

We're taking off.

Yes, we're leaving.

The nightmare is over.

Hold on.

We're landing again.

No.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tampa, Florida.

Give me death.

Give me death.

The pilot, as I said, was Tony Janice.

I know he's quite a prominent early aviation pioneer.

So we're going to have a quick quiz now.

How did this, quotes, early aviation pioneer die?

Was it A, in a plane crash?

Oh, no, there are some other options.

B, B,

of natural causes 60 years later.

C swallowed by hippopotamus when rushing the stage at the circus on his day off.

D an overambitious slam dunk went wrong in a pro-celebrity basketball match.

E.

Crucifixion.

F contracted fatal dose of sexually transmitted rheumatism from an arthritic go-go dancer in Caracas.

Or G.

Hunted down and pecked to death by a jealous albatross during a flight.

Of course the answer was

A.

Plane crash, John.

The words early aviation pioneer and lived a long and healthy life without even once dying in a crash have very seldom gone in the same sentence.

And that's really been the case ever since Icarus took his famous tumble after his wings melted just as he was announcing to himself, We are currently flying to the east of the Cyclades Islands over the beautiful Aegean Sea and cruising at an altitude of, let me just check the altimeter, an altitude of much too close to the sun.

So please do sit back, relax, and enjoy the fly

Mayday products.

How do I get my official mask?

I wasn't listening.

Oh, prize.

So, so that was the past of air travel, but what about the future?

Well, recently, plans for a three-story sky whale were unveiled.

A plane which will apparently fit 755 passengers, has virtual reality windows, and self-healing wings that can help repair themselves.

The Skywhale does sound incredible, Andy, although it's probably not a great idea to name the most ambitious aircraft in human history after something that can definitely not fly.

They didn't call the Titanic the ocean goat, did they, Andy?

No, I suppose that's essentially what it turned out to be.

It's also just asking for trouble if you're ever in Japanese airspace.

But that's...

That is enough.

That is enough, matter.

Virtual reality windows, John.

I mean, what?

Yeah.

I'm doing what?

So can you basically program them so that it shows you some kind of other reality that you wouldn't be able to see out of a real window, such as you can maybe program it so you look out and it looks like you've just dropped a payload of bombs over wartime Germany or that there are pterodactyls everywhere.

But it just seems that is unnecessary technology for me, John.

I just there haven't been many times I've been sitting on a plane looking out the window and I've thought to myself, I wonder if it what it would look like outside if it was completely different.

But I just is that necessary?

Apparently the sky whale uh will split passengers into three classes, each with their own deck in a modern-day version of the Titanic's strict division of passengers.

The three classes would be tourist class, the equivalent of economy, tourist class with sky views or business class, and finally first class, which would have also have sky views and also, and I quote, all conceivable luxuries.

And it's good to know, Andy, that even in a utopian future technology, there is a rigorous class system still in place.

Separate.

I'd hate for us to have collectively evolved past that in the future.

All conceivable luxuries, John.

That is a big, big claim, John.

I mean you're talking about cricket net with bowling machine there.

That's

I mean I'm sure other people could conceive of other luxuries beyond even that.

Air travel is now so safe

in fact that scientists claim that if you did nothing but take flights from airport to airport in developed countries you will never die.

Admittedly, those are scientists paid for by a group of the world's leading airlines.

But they're scientists nonetheless, John, and that is how science has always worked.

Do you think people gave a shit about whether or not water boiled until the tea companies realized there was money to be made from it?

Of course they fing didn't.

That is science, John.

Also in the in-flight entertainment, of course, huge battles for the various airlines to get the very latest films.

And the new Skyworld claims that not only will have the very latest films seconds after release, but also real-time feeds from electrodes implanted in the skulls of the world's leading film directors to show you what they're thinking, thus giving you a sneak preview of what films might be made in two or three years' time.

So it's exciting times for air travel.

Your emails now, and this one comes from Gregory in Panyu, China.

On the subject, heads up.

Dear John, Andy, and Chris, in order of contempt felt by the People's Republic of China, it appears that you're on China's shit list.

I believe that's a technical term.

Because the Great Firewall is blocking all methods of downloading the bugle.

We've made it, John.

We've been blocked by the Chinese government.

That's huge.

That's great, Andy.

Congratulations.

That could knock a solid

four or five listeners off our

weekly chart.

Wow, that's...

I mean, that's...

He carries on.

Oddly, the podcast Sick and Wrong is not blocked.

And they consistently report on the most embarrassingly demented news events here in China.

However, it seems that John Hodgman, your old Daily Show colleague, remains on very good terms with the Red Army.

Oh, that makes sense.

That makes sense.

It's all about money.

He's got all the apple money, Andy.

It's a numbers game for the Chinese.

Well, that's very exciting.

I mean, I'm sure there are no direct consequences to being an official enemy of the Chinese state, Andy.

Sounds good to me.

We have another email here from Kathleen Hansman who says, dear Andy, John and Chris,

I wanted to show you how bugle merchandise is being worn when performing home surgery in South Africa.

Here's a candid photo of my boyfriend removing stitches with a leather man and tweezers from his toes after a recent injury.

And

she's attached the photo and there he is Andy clearly wearing a bugle t-shirt with a torch strapped to his head

removing stitches with a leather man.

And I think that just proves Andy that the bugle t-shirts are have a 100% success rate during major surgeries.

That is assuming that her boyfriend did not die in surgery, Which we don't know we don't know we don't we don't know well I mean well that that's remains to be confirmed But if he if he did then they have a hundred percent kill rate so either way it is a it is a useful garment to own and one that you can buy at thebuglepodcast calm Where you want to see your major or minor surgeries?

I reckon I mean a heart surgery you'd you'd probably want to go with the scarf I think

Because you could sort of just tighten that around your neck like a tourniquet as a sort of anesthetic.

Is that how anesthetics work?

I'm not sure.

And this one came from

Kenda's rule, who writes, dear Andy, Chris, and John.

I live in Lincolnshire, near roughly 40 RAF bases.

If Putin decides he really wants to keep his new acquisition, the Ukraine, then it's possible he'll nuke anything in the UK and the US which looks even slightly dangerous.

So if Putin puts his foot down, I am toast.

How about you?

So, what a Lincolnshire.

I mean,

they've always said you take out Lincolnshire.

You take out Europe.

I'm not sure they have always said that.

But

I got married in Lincolnshire, and that

didn't.

As you well know,

that did not attract the attention of the Russian military,

as far as we're currently aware.

I think to find out how likely it is for Lincolnshire to get blown to pieces, we'll have a quick check on the latest news, see if during the 40 minutes it's taken to record this show there have been any major developments.

Will Yanukovych avowing a fight back?

I mean, it's,

well, I don't know.

I think maybe we should.

Oh, British troops massing off the coast of Crimea.

Oh, that's exciting.

Yep.

Nurses on board.

Bella Clover's on, boys.

Getting very retro.

So thanks for emails.

Do keep them coming into info at thebuglepodcasts.com.

And don't forget to check out the SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

That's it for this week.

We are back next week with Bugle 262.

Until then, there is nothing further to add apart from stuff that other people are saying.

But that's not on this show.

I think

there isn't that somewhere else.

This show's basically

now.

Stick the landing, Annie.

Stick the landing.

Stun, stun.

Nothing to add at all.

Bye!

Hi buglers, it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed, which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please, come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.