Bugle 257 – Dancefloor Diplomacy

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 257 of the Bugle weekly fact pendium for the musically needy.

Recently voted the most indispensable repository of facts facts by more than 200 world leaders at the UN's New Year fancy dress party.

This year's theme was Fairy Stories, and let me tell you, you have not lived until you've seen Jacob Zuma dressed as Snow White trying to persuade seven dwarves all to marry him at the same time.

I'm Andy Zaltzman in London, where the streets are paved with gold.

If by gold you mean discarded newspapers with pages and pages of stories about long-suppressed sex abuse scandals.

And joining me from New York, USA, the self-styled spiritual home of spiritual homes, it's the 21st century's George Formby, only with a banjo made of truth instead of wood.

It's John Oliver.

Hello Andy.

Hello buglers.

I've been in a temporary office all week in the HBO building starting to work on the new show while we try to find permanent office and studio space and it turns out that my office currently overlooks the glass fronted offices of New York's Bank of America headquarters and It is becoming a weird daily standoff, Andy, between me and the bankers in their offices on the other side of the road as each side side spends part of their day staring at the other side trying to figure out what the f they're doing in those buildings and it's like a two-way judgmental rear window Andy a relationship based on justified mutual suspicion I keep seeing them hold meetings in conference rooms drinking coffee projecting charts onto the wall that don't seem to mean anything and they keep seeing me draw a penis on a whiteboard and leaving it there for all of them to look at.

The way I see it, Andy, if I keep drawing penises, I may be able to drive down the real estate value of Bank of America headquarters.

Because you know how that would work.

Oh, look, it's a lovely building in a prime location, but it does look out on what seems to be an ejaculating green penis.

And that is, to put it in purely real estate terms, not a coveted view.

They probably think it's some graph for the projected

sales figures for, I don't know, plutonium or something.

That's right.

I might be doing so much more more harm than good.

This is the week, the show for the week beginning Monday the 20th of January, 2014, the week in which Nostradamus predicted that Switzerland would invade Iran, the King of England would abdicate after being filmed swearing at a postbox, and a schoolboy named Ian would tell Stacey that he really fancied her.

And this is Bugle 257.

Of course, 257 was the original title for an 85-hour long film about a really prolific serial killer.

They later trimmed off the first 250 slangs and just released it as seven.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week's section in the bin, audio perfumes.

Instead of wandering around with a concocted whiff of the unusual on you, why not be accompanied everywhere by a curious and indefinable but gender-specific cocktail of noise or audio perfume?

And we give you two free from the bugle for him, Mysterioso.

And for her, Aphrodits.

Oh, Andy, that's incredible.

Pour homme epo femme.

That's why that's the title of a new HBO show, isn't it?

Top story this week, International Instability Update.

Our wobbly world

This world Andy is a beautiful place and it gets more and more beautiful the further and further away you are from it an astronaut sees Earth as a majestic marble peacefully floating in space Of course what you can't see from up there is the fact that there is complete mayhem happening on any parts that aren't blue So this is our roundup of places that seem a little insecure at the moment first Thailand and protests have been going on for months around Thailand But this week they really put the bang in Bangkok and they also put the ex-Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is a cock in Bangkok as well

The the large demonstrations actually started back in November after Thailand's lower house passed a hugely controversial amnesty bill which critics worried could potentially pave the way for former leader Thaxin Shinawatra to return to Thailand without having to serve any time in jail and maybe we should just pause for a second and explain a little about how this controver, just how controversial this Senor Shinawatra is.

He was a Thai business tycoon turned politician, and what a glorious transformation that always is, Anthea.

Truly one of nature's most beautiful miracles.

It's like whatever the opposite of a caterpillar turning into a butterfly is.

Or I guess it's like a Michelin-starred meal turning into a human shit.

It's a dance as old as time.

He was Prime Minister of Thailand from 2001 to 2006 when he was overthrown in a military coup and he's been living in self-imposed exile overseas after being convicted of abuse of power.

And in fact, if we take a look at his rap sheet, it's pretty impressive, Andy.

His government faced allegations of corruption, authoritarianism, treason, conflicts of interest, and muzzling of the press.

Thaxian himself was accused of tax evasion, classic, insulting the king, little more niche, and selling assets of Thai companies to international investors.

Also, Amnesty International has had a thing or two to say about his human rights record.

And just to give you a clue, it wasn't a thing or two about what a lovely human rights record he has.

Thaksin Shinawatra has a two-year prison sentence,

which he would have been legally bound to serve until this amnesty bill passed, helped along the way by the current Prime Minister of Thailand, who is Yingluk Shinawatra.

Oh, there's something in something in Coinland between.

Where have I heard that name before?

Do you know what?

Is that not the surname of the guy that we've been talking about this whole time?

Because it turns out Yingluk Shinawatra is Thaxin Shinawatra's sister.

No conflict of interest at all there, Andy.

Just a completely impartial judgment made by an entirely coincidental blood relative.

Yeah, he was overthrown in a coup in 2006.

And being overthrown in a coup generally only happens if you're either too much of a c or not enough of a c.

And he's been described as a polarising figure, which is journalistic euphemism for a barely contained crackpot.

And his family, as you said, after these corruption scandals, his family was stripped of $1.4 billion

of contested assets.

Now,

that is proper corruption, John.

Watch and learn, British MPs, with your 10 grand of expenses.

Watch and learn.

And to show you more about the man, two things that I think we need to know about him.

Since he's been in exile, he spent his time in London and Dubai, the spiritual homes of the economically amoral.

And

a few years ago, he bought Manchester City.

He bought a British football club, John, which you only do if you are either clinically insane or trying to avoid assassination.

And he probably a bit of both.

Vaccine is apparently hated in urban areas in Thailand, but remains really quite popular with many rural voters.

And that makes sense, Andy, because you know farmers.

They love people convicted of selling Thai assets to international investors.

Always have.

They've got such a folksy appreciation for that that kind of white-collar crime.

The protesters in Thailand are therefore urban middle-class voters, largely, of whom around 100,000 rallied in Bangkok in November when the protest began.

They were peaceful for the first week, but at least eight people have been killed since then.

And on Monday of this week, the protests aim to shut down parts of Bangkok entirely and disrupt the rest.

Thailand is due to have an election on the 2nd of February, but protesters want the current Prime Minister, Yingluk Shinhuatra, to resign immediately, the election to be suspended, and a People's Council to enact reforms.

And the protest leader, apparently, has threatened to capture Prime Minister Yingluk and others if they refuse to give in.

Clearly, Andy, that's not going to happen.

You don't just capture a world leader.

Now, what are you going to do?

Carry a big net around and hope that you can lunge it over her head on her way to the shops?

Or are you going to dig a hole, cover it with leaves and balance her favourite food on top to try and trap her?

He actually urged protesters to shut down all government offices and cut water and electricity to the private residences of she and her cabinet, saying if they're still being obstinate, then we will capture them one by one because the people are not interested in fighting for years.

And that's a bold move, Andy.

Smoke out a prime minister by shutting off bathroom facilities and then when she runs out looking for the nearest Starbucks in desperation, you just throw a giant butterfly net over her.

I think that might actually be their plan, Andy.

And if they pull that off, it might be the most slapstick-based revolution in human history.

It's a curious case of a protest supported by the opposition Democratic Party, basically in favor of less democracy.

They want the elected government to be replaced by an unelected panel and the elections to be cancelled.

But I think on reflection, I think 90% of people in the democracies of the world would back that if they could be given reasonably serious sounding assurances that it wouldn't get too North Korea afterwards.

The protests have been going on for a long time now, but still seems strong.

It's a shame it's been on the news so little because they're actually pretty colourful.

For some reason, they all have brightly coloured umbrellas, and they've been chanting slogans such as reform before election and shut down Bangkok, restart Thailand.

So that's the fallback plan, Andy.

If the butterfly net thing doesn't work out, treat the country like you treat a troublesome computer.

Just shut it down, turn it back on again, and hope for the best.

Thailand's Army Chief, General Prayoth Chan Ocha, said regarding the prospect of a military coup, which has been mooted as a possibility.

He said this, the door is neither open nor closed.

So basically.

Oh boy, that means it's open.

Wide.

The door's been removed from the hinges.

What it means is at least ajar and probably has the president's fingers being forcibly held in it, waiting for the right moment to slam before being flung back open to smash the protesters in the face.

Now, put this in context, John.

Thailand has had democracy for around about 80 years.

In that time, they have had 18 military coups.

That is...

That is something.

They're doing something to keep themselves regular.

That's a lot of dried apricots going into that.

I'd love to see a military coup in Britain just for the sake of something interesting to watch on television.

But I guess a novelty must wear off after, I don't know, the 14th or 15th military coup in your lifetime.

It would be interesting if there was one in Britain and probably in America as well to see how long it would be before the majority of people actually noticed.

I think probably only when it started affecting reality television shows.

I can't believe Donna's in the final.

All she sings is the same army marching song every week.

And why do the judges always give her a 10 out of 10 whilst looking really scared?

South Sudan Summit News now.

And South Sudan is the world's newest country and like any first generation release they're experiencing some tricky teething troubles to put it in the most heartlessly glib terms possible.

South Sudan became an independent state in 2011 and is a little schizophrenic as a country.

It's extremely rich in oil but after decades of civil war it also has one of the least developed regions on earth even having very few tarmac roads.

And a bit of background again because What seems to have happened is that some political bickering has unleashed horrific widespread violence.

In July, President Salvakir, an ethnic dinker, the country's largest group, and let's not pretend that I didn't have to look all of that up online, he sacked his deputy, Rick Mashar, who's from South Sudan's second largest community, the Noor, and obviously I knew that without looking it up.

This has caused a breakdown in trust as they tried to build a resilient, inclusive democracy, ideally, in South Sudan, with some claiming this was a power grab and others saying it was just in response to a possible coup.

Almost 200,000 people are said to have fled their homes, and there are reports of mass killings along ethnic lines.

And to cut a long and depressing story short, let's face it, Sudan is no stranger to sadness.

So this latest twisting of the tragedy tornado there is depressingly precedented.

A news report I saw this week said it's unclear exactly what triggered South Sudan's current crisis.

But it seems pretty clear to me, Andy, and it's triggered by the black sticky stuff they're living on top of.

Oil is the best and indeed only way for an African country to get the West to give enough of a shit about them to go beyond benefit concerts saying we should do something to help into actually doing something to help.

In South Sudan, cattle are key.

Cows are prized assets.

A person's wealth is measured by the size of their herd.

Whereas on the rest of the planet, we couldn't really give a shit about cattle.

We're more concerned about what might or might not be underneath their hooves.

The easiest way to explain Western priorities to South Sudan is that we feel about oil the way they feel about cows.

And due to the fact that their hooves, those cows' hooves Andy, could conceivably be attached to oil dereks, there are actually international attempts to help out South Sudan.

President Obama was hugely supportive of South Sudanese independence.

There have been multiple crisis meetings at the White House over the last few weeks.

And while 5% of that might be due to compassion, the key remaining 95% may have something as well as everything to do with the fact that there are fears that local reductions in oil production in South Sudan could have repercussions on world oil markets.

And that last sentence, Andy, is the difference between a black and white viral video with Cape Beckinsale and 15 F-16 fighter jets forcibly keeping the peace.

Peace talks have taken place, although perhaps in the strangest of situations.

It emerged this week that after a double booking at a hotel in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia the government and rebel delegation were forced to hold the discussions on the dance floor of a top nightclub.

This is the future John.

This is a future for the world.

Apparently this left delegates and I quote bemused.

Now that's entirely understandable Andy.

Nightclubs are for boogieing and traditionally not for high-level diplomacy.

Generally speaking, if a room has bounced to the sounds of LMFAO in the previous 12 hours, you just do not expect these talks to avert a substantial civil war taking place.

Well, it just makes you think,

John, if I've had the right tracks playing, it could really help bring about the

peace.

In fact, I mean, that's a personal favourite of mine, Robin Thick's blurred lines, John.

Actually, if you listen to it in the context of these peace talks, it is a heroically selfless call for a rapprochement in the disputed border region of Abyei.

I think that's

the blurred line of where the border between the two countries should be, and That's very much

what he was going on about.

And if he has to make that point through the use of naked women, so be it, John, so be it.

And eerily reminiscent, of course, of the Treaty of Versailles being signed in that train carriage

whilst Ben Shelvin's novelty orchestra was playing I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles, the big hit song of the year.

It took place, these talks,

at the Gaslight Club on the dance floor.

And apparently it was selected after the room in the Sheraton Hotel the teams had been using was booked by a Japanese delegation could someone not have told the Japanese just to fing move somewhere else Andy

would that be possible because either Andy they wouldn't have minded or they would have minded and you just asked them to fing move anyway I think the Ethiopians would have been well within their rights to say, look, sorry guys, I know this is going to be inconvenient because you've booked the room, we get that.

But we're trying to avoid a civil war in a neighboring country here, and the only alternative to talks is the dance floor of a nightclub.

And those talks generally aren't improved by being held on a floor that's still sticky from the previous day's jello shot, sweat, and vomit.

So do you mind getting the f out of here?

Sources close to the talk said some delegates were unhappy with, again, I quote,

the poor lighting and excess noise.

Wait, was the DJ still playing, Adley?

These could have been the lowest priority peace talks in the history of war.

Hey, I'm DJ Chris Beats.

Any requests?

Yeah, I've got a request.

Can you get the f out of here, please?

South Sudan's on the brink of breakdown.

I'm sorry, I don't have South Sudan's on the brink of breakdown.

Is that by Rihanna?

I do, however, have this.

DJ Chris Beats wants some kind of lasting lasting solution to this.

God, what a great song that is still, Andy.

Still words, time is clown.

It stands up, doesn't it?

It stands up as a funny song and a great song.

That's very much, I mean, that's past the test of time, isn't it?

That's up there with, you know, Beethoven's main light sonata for me.

Yeah.

Proven bits of music.

Even the photo of the peace talks were incredible.

They were seated around a long table on the dance floor with fake gold columns around them and a visible dj booth with wires running up into the background behind them it was if that like you say if that was where negotiations for the treaty of versaita we'd still be at war with germany right now

well i mean i guess also i mean the thing with nightclubs is they're basically specifically designed to prevent audible conversation and i think you know a lot of a lot of peace processes have been harmed by things that people have said so that's true I mean, I think this is very much the future, John.

Maybe you're right.

You can hear what you want to hear.

You know, you're bouncing around, you're having to lean into each other's ears, screaming, then you're just nodding as if you heard what they said.

Go, yeah, absolutely.

Because you might be right, because bear in mind that the last month of fighting in South Sudan has left, according to UN numbers, substantially more than a thousand people dead.

And these discussions took place on the dance floor of a club.

To get to which you have to do the following, and I quote, you enter it via glass floor bridge hovering over a mini moat there three bars one a VIP members only club are arranged over three floors with plush velvet soft seating and opulent art deco interiors in addition to padded leather bar stools so if this does work handy maybe this could usher in a new era of dance floor diplomacy

Moving on to Syria and fair to say John even at this early stage it's not looking good for Syria to do too much climbing up the table of world's happiest countries this year.

The UN has announced that 9.3 million Syrians, of whom nearly 50% are children, that's half the population of the country, need urgent humanitarian aid.

Now, I guess when half your population needs aid, it might be time for President Bashir al-Assad to sit down for a long, hot bath with himself and think, this is starting to get out of hand.

I guess in the same way that Joan of Arc's tanning salon appointment got out of hand or Charles I's haircut.

It's not our problem of course we did our bit by not starting a new bit of war and occasionally standing on the touchline saying come on now whilst the main war has trundled along.

But it's what is the international community's next move?

I guess the options are writing a sternly worded letter to a Canadian regional newspaper, hiring a special plane to fly over Syria with a banner out the back with the words enough already on it or sending Dennis Rodman in to see what happens.

But the beers are those that is about as much as we can hope for.

More than 100,000 people have been killed in Syria since 2011.

Almost 9 million other people have been driven out of their homes.

And the only plan at the moment is that a summit is going to be taking place next week in Geneva.

Because

that's what happens, Andy, when you hit 100,000 people being killed.

It's like being the 100,000th customer in a supermarket.

Balloons come down and you get three minutes to grab anything you can.

When 100,000 thousand people are killed in your country plane tickets to Geneva fall down from the sky and you have three minutes to plead your case to the international community

this summit was apparently partly driven by John Kerry the Secretary of State who said the alternative to organizing a conference was that Syria and I quote heads closer to an abyss if not over the abyss and into chaos

Which actually is worse, Andy, an abyss or chaos?

Although, I mean, maybe he's right, because that does seem to be the two choices that Syria faces right now as a nation.

It's like a horrific game of would you rather, you know, like, would you rather eat

shit-flavoured chocolate or a chocolate-flavoured shit?

Or

would you rather be.

I'll stop quoting Aristotle on this show, John.

Would you rather be forced to watch Dick Cheney masturbate every day for the rest of your life or help him out with it once and make it stop?

There's no good option.

That's the point.

The international community has no pleasant choices ahead regarding Syria, Andy.

That's what I'm trying to say in the most abstract way possible.

So

sitting back and letting the innocent people of Syria sort it out amongst themselves.

Are we not allowed to carry on doing that for another few years?

It's working so well.

That's not a good option either, though.

But nothing's good.

That's the problem.

It's the perfect storm of awful.

The summit will be on January the 22nd next week, and it's not clear if the Syrian government will attend yet.

Apparently, it said that it will, in principle, be there.

However, it's also said that it will not negotiate with terrorists while dismissing everyone who opposes it as exactly that.

There was a donor conference in Kuwait this week held by the UN promoting their largest ever appeal for a single issue.

And that meeting aimed to raise $6.5 billion

for Syria.

It had secured, I think, 2.4 billion in pledges by the end of Wednesday donations included Kuwait they gave 500 million Saudi Arabia gave two hundred and fifty million dollars come on Saudi Arabia your fireworks displays cost more than that

Qatar apparently gave sixty million dollars again a number quite small Andy coming from a country that won a World Cup bid by basically claiming it would air condition the entire country inside and out

the US gave 380 million dollars in new contributions Norway gave $75 million.

Against Qatar, when you're being outspent by Norway and you're sitting on one of the largest reserves of national gas in the world, you're missing a few zeros on the end of your f ⁇ ing check.

And the UK pledged another $164 million, bringing our total contribution to $985 million.

Not bad.

Not bad for you.

Super effort.

Super effort.

Suck on that, Saudi Arabia.

That's what Tax Inshina Watra had confiscated, though, basically, to put that in context.

But it's not just these traditional troubled spots that have been in the spotlight of late.

France is in turmoil after its president, François Hollande, was caught putting his penis in the wrong woman, or putting it in the right woman, and the wrong woman getting cross about it.

It's a fascinating story,

this, and France traditionally overlook what their political leaders get up to where they are.

They certainly do.

That sounds less like a political scandal and more like a campaign prompt.

I mean, they like to overlook where their political leaders park their parts.

There is an old French saying that says this: Let penises be penises.

Of course, being in French is not quite that concise.

The actual saying is puy vu les est pa maitre monsieur le williard de se comprote de estre mill soi parseque je jean sugeste quil est petit personnage de pontanand dommes, vois son place d'in la sessement feminine jeus dom men façon de sanateur penisieu.

The story ended up with his

girlfriend in hospital, his mistress in court, and his ex-wife in giggles, and the rest of France in resigned acceptance that a president in possession of a penis will always be inclined to use that penis.

It's like a red button for a nuclear bomb, John.

If you're a world leader, the temptation is there, but maybe without quite the same level of moral guilt and practical consequences for using it.

But every American president must have been tempted.

There cannot have been a U.S.

president in the last 60, 70 years who has not sat in the Oval Office waggling his finger over that big red button on his desk while saying, ah three, a two, a one, hammer time.

Starkozy, the previous president, claimed Hollande, quote, looked ridiculous, which is rather akin to being accused by The Rock of overdoing the biceps.

I've got a little wrestling reference for you, John.

I know you're like, you're talking about Dwayne the Rock Johnson there, aren't you?

Yeah, of course, John, yeah.

The actress who the president has been involved with

is Julie Gaillet, who ironically has starred in a number of films about people having affairs, by which I mean any French film.

Feature section now, animals.

And look, we've talked a lot about political instability, Andy, so let's let's just discuss something nicer animals so uh what's up first auction to shoot endangered rhino oh for f's sake

for f sake andy

okay so here it is right last weekend uh the dallas safari club right here in the usa the united states of animals um auctioned off a permit from the Namibian government to go hunt i.e.

shoot i.e.

murder one of the world's only 5,000 remaining living black rhinos.

The auction was won with a bid of $350,000.

This upset a lot of people, as well as presumably around 5,000 black rhinos.

The Safari Club hit back at its critics, explaining that this was actually a good thing and the kindest thing you could possibly do for these rhinos was to shoot one of them in the head.

They said the auction was all done in the name of conservation to save the threatened black rhinoceros.

All proceeds, apparently, will be donated to the

Namibian government and will be earmarked for conservation efforts.

All of the proceeds will be donated to the Namibian government and will be earmarked for conservation efforts.

Oh, okay.

So I think I see what's happening here, Andy.

The logic here is that one rhino must die so that the other rhinos can live.

This is the kind of rhino Jesus we're looking for.

In which case, they shouldn't be shooting it, Andy.

They should crucify that rhino in front of all the other rhinos so that they can see what a sacrifice has been made for them.

And all the members of the Dallas Safari Club can therefore wear rhinos on crosses around their necks to show that they care.

I think I'm reading this story right.

That's a lot of money, John.

350,000.

You're going to want your money.

You're not going to want to clean kill on that.

You want to go to...

you know, capture it, imprison it, torture it for a few weeks.

You know, really, really get your kicks out of it.

that's i mean you're looking at basically uh rem your own personal remake of the film saw but with a rhino

but

the point is that that has to be made that film you can use your hollywood context john get that film made

All my capital, Andy, rhino saw.

Three rhinos in a cage, chained to a block with a single gun and a note.

Learn to read rhinos and you'll see what a terrible situation you're in.

But Berry's going down.

You will be saving your species by doing it.

That's it.

Big picture.

Animals are so proud of seeing the big picture.

The big picture is the key, Andy.

These hunters are conservationists at heart.

I mean, yes, sure, they could just donate $350,000 to rhino conservation and not shoot a rhino in the head, but where's the fun in that?

Say what you like about rhino corpses, Andy.

As conservation donations go, that's one hell of a receipt.

This rhino is really grumpy.

And their argument is that this rhino is a potential rhino murderer itself.

It's done some psychometric tests.

Apparently

if they don't kill this one specific rhino it will kill more rhinos.

Can I not just chop its horns off?

That seems yes rock solid.

That's right.

It's got amazing medicinal properties hasn't it rhino horn.

I know I use it for complexion.

They've gone even further than that.

Ben Carter, the executive director of the Safari Club, defended the auction saying in most cases the animal is detrimental and he continued he's way past his prime

I think that sentence would actually make much more sense Andy if he said that while looking into a mirror but

obviously animal welfare groups are furious about this and the International Fund for Animal Welfare said it sent a dangerous message that these iconic disappearing animals are worth more as dead trophies to be mounted and hung on a wall in Texas mansions than living in the wild in Africa.

But listen, listen, animal huggers, that is the free market at work.

You're just dealing with condensed supply and demand here.

Rhinos are going to become more valuable the fewer of them there are.

That's basic economics.

So don't think of auctioning off rhino murder as destroying their species.

Think of it as increasing their market value.

And if you're against that, you're a rhino communist.

And, you know, if they're living in a capitalist world, as they are, increase their market value, that is boosting their self-esteem, which is going to make them randy it's probably going to do population numbers a world of good

probably if not definitely now in fact andy let's let's go all the way to the logical end of this argument let's just let the free market sort out all problems morality aside let's auction off a permit to hunt down and shoot whoever it is who won that auction to shoot the rhino yes that is unthinkably immoral but all the money will go to charity andy to try and prevent other murders taking place around the world.

In taking one man's life for sport, we'll simply be saving so many others.

We just need to release a legal permit to shoot that person, Andy, and mount their head to someone's wall.

It's actually the kindest thing you could possibly do.

Identical pig news now, and there was a report on the um

that's uh

what a magazine.

Surprisingly racy.

Anyway,

there was a report in the BBC this week about how China is cloning pigs on an industrial scale.

Which, I mean, they didn't really say on an industrial scale.

Cloning pigs is something that you probably want to do industrially.

There's no point doing it sort of as a personal hobby.

There are only three reasons to clone animals, John.

One, you hate choice and you want everything to be the same.

Two, you want to take over the world and are a Machiavellian scientific genius.

Or three, you reckon there is an unfeasible amount of money to be made from it.

And China scores big on all three counts there.

And this is very exciting news for me as a person of Jewish origin, John, because all they need to do is produce one kosher pig.

That is a pig that is really clean with good manners, that looks after itself.

And we can then clone it to create a new super breed of guilt-free sausage porkers.

This is the breakthrough we have been waiting for for thousands of years.

There was one batch of pigs that that had their DNA tinkered with to try to make them more susceptible to Alzheimer's.

Which,

I mean, you think you want to make them less susceptible to Alzheimer's.

I don't know, but maybe the Chinese government thinks that Alzheimer's is the best way for their expanding populace not to notice mass state corruption, huge amounts of hypocrisy and willful inequality.

And they're just going to pump Alzheimer's into their drinking water or toothpaste.

I mean, it'll probably work, but again, does that make it right?

A political question as old as as time itself that a surprising number of politicians and hunters still seem to get wrong.

But maybe

this is, I'm reading it the wrong way, this pumping pigs full of Alzheimer could be just punishment for the pigs in China crucifying Confucius or whatever happened back in the day.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Sport news now and well, it's tennis time in Australia.

And

the tournament so far, the Australian Open, has been

the biggest talking point has been the temperatures on court.

It's been hot there, John.

It might have been a bit chilly in America, but it's been hot.

42 degrees Celsius.

Oh my God.

It's been hot, Andy.

Not like Model Kate Upton is hot, unless you're talking about Model Kate Upton trapped inside an industrial pressure cooker.

It's hot.

Oh, yeah.

It's hot down there.

It's hot down there.

It's too hot to be outside and definitely too hot to be outside and trying to play f ⁇ ing tennis.

tennis that's become clear well if seven thousand eight hundred degrees Fahrenheit is the melting point of rock as discovered by Bon Jovi on their album of the same name

then they're going yeah they're moderating a bit in their old age their new album 80 degrees centigrade is due out named after the optimum temperature for brewing green tea but if uh 7800 fahrenheit is the melting point of rock 42 degrees centigrade turns out to be the melting point of tennis players they've been keeling over in conditions described as halfway between a wedding barbecue and a cremation and

Organisers have been warned by various players that a player could die if they're forced to play in these circumstances, and they responded, Well, we don't criticise the ancient Romans for feeding their tennis players to lions.

It gives an element of unpredictability in what has become an increasingly mechanised sport.

The Grand Slams test you in different ways, they explained, on clay, on grass, on concrete, and in a borderline furnace.

Besides, it's good to practice in case any of our top pros end up burning in the fires of eternal damnation.

So it appears that the organisers don't really give a flying f.

And players have have been

taking extreme measures to get through the ordeal.

One player, the South African world number 143, Waxis Baksakenkrek, even took an industrial freezer onto court with him and lay inside it, surrounded by packets of frozen spinach during the changes of ends, whilst his American opponent, Eli Snooks, was heard trying to psych himself up to withstand the heat by muttering, I'm a chicken Kiev, let me cook under his breath between points.

Moldovan ladies' world number 174,

Bonoba Flobalova, came out to play the second set against against her Australian adversary, Kevinetta Machise, dressed in a full spacesuit she'd borrowed from a watching Buzz Aldrin, whilst Richard Gaske's first-round opponent, the Mexican-Israeli Shmule Miliano Eagle Klein Sanchez, forgot his water bottle and had to keep cool by downing a crisp pint of ice-cold lager after every game.

After five sets of initially confident but increasingly incoherent tennis, Eagle Klein Sanchez chundered into a bucket, asked the line judge for a cuddle, said to Gaske, I f ⁇ ing love your backhand, mate, it's a f ⁇ ing work of art.

And then sang, you're a pink toothbrush, I'm a blue toothbrush, before losing the game on a time violation after insisting on reciting all the Bond films in order before serving.

So it's really led to some extreme, extreme measures by the way.

It has, it has, alongside that absolute avalanche of bullshit, Andy, this is what has actually happened in Australia as well.

A ball boy fainted on court.

Caroline Wozniaki put her water bottle on the ground and the bottom of it melted.

Peng Shui vomited, then cramped up, then had to be helped off the court.

The soles of Joe Wilfred Songer's sneakers melted.

Yelena

Yankovic burned her bottom on a seat and Frank Dankovich

collapsed during the second set of his match.

lay unconscious on the court for a full minute and said afterwards that he was hallucinating before he fainted and claims that he saw Snoopy saying I was dizzy from the middle of the first set and then I saw Snoopy and I thought wow Snoopy that's weird

eventually they did stop playing for the heat but for a while I thought the only way they were going to call a halt was if someone died or the tennis ball caught fire and wow what an amazing Australian open that would be

That's all we have time for on this week's Bugle.

Apologies we haven't got around to your emails again,

including someone with a rather explicit story about

some carnal activity in a brand new bugle t-shirt, which I think is an image that I will now struggle to get out of my head.

But I'm glad it's proved successful for you.

And I assume that you will never see that lady again.

Do keep them coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

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