Bugle 255

This is a podcast from thebuglepodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello buglers and welcome to the first bugle of 2014.

Bugle issue 255 for the week beginning Monday the 6th of January 2014 with with me, Andy Zaltzmann, live in London, a city with yet another complete year under its belt as the biggest city in Britain.

Take that, Lincoln.

Nowhere to be seen yet again.

And in New York City, USA, it's the renowned dog owner, Laps Britt, a no-time victim of a career-ending rodeo riding injury.

The Susan Sarindon of Sideswipes, the Bridget Bardo of Barbs, the Dorothy Dandridge of Diggs.

I had to look that one up.

Diggs, not Dandridge, big fan.

The Greta Garbo of Get Out of Heres, the Farah Fawcett of f ⁇ k Hughes, and the Zlitsky Zlaiskovitz of of Zingers.

That was Liz Taylor's real name, only with a slightly lower wardrobe budget.

It's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy.

Hello, buglers.

Just American Buglers, you should know that when Andy says fk you, Lincoln, there, he's talking about a town in England, not the great president.

Let's let the buglers make up their own mind about that, John Taylor.

Well, happy new year to one and all.

We've officially collectively kicked 2013 in the balls and run away, but not before filming it on our phone and uploading it to YouTube under the title 2013 huge nutshot

I was I was in San Francisco for New Year's Eve doing stand-up where I have missed the countdown on stage the last few years this year Andy I changed it up by instead mistakenly starting it quite significantly too early at least keeping with the John Oliver promise regarding a New Year's Eve performance Andy if you spend it with me you are guaranteed inaccurate timekeeping you can take that to the bank it won't be open you'll be too early or late late.

2014 is the Chinese Year of the Horse.

So let's just hope that it is a racehorse of a year, Andy, and not one of those Romanian horses that are ground down and sold as beef in British lasagnas.

Yes, I mean there are there's horses and there's horses, John.

And horses for courses.

The courses could be, as you say, race courses or maybe a main course.

How was your Christmas, John?

How was your

American Christmas?

It was fine.

Yeah, that's fine.

Once again, I continued

not necessarily putting Christ at the centre of Christmas, Andy.

Instead, putting a snooze at the centre of Christmas.

So where did you put Christ?

Was he stuck out on the wing?

Were he starved of possession?

I think

I put him on the bench.

Warm the bench.

He benched Christ at Christmas.

Controversial, but you know, it's a results business.

So, you know, that's all you're judged on.

So this is Bugle 255.

255, of course, the first thing that ace French artist Auguste Rodin used to say to himself every morning when he woke up and counted his hands and then the fingers on each of those hands and then said, 255, I'm going to sculpt me up a storm today.

Only one anniversary of any relevance to this week's bugle, John, as I'm sure you very well know.

30 years ago on Monday, 6th of January, 1984, a doggy was born.

A little black Labrador called Tash.

A doggy that would change the world, or at least a doggy that would steal and eat a complete box of chocolates from my mother.

Sorry.

Still can't talk about it, still too raw.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, a four people to look out for in 2014.

In the field of science, Professor Al Gore Joft, set to be the big celebrity surgeon this year, an organic cosmetic tweakery specialist, who discovered that drinking the juice of 20 lemons every meal works basically the same as having a facelift, giving you that I've just eaten something disgusting look that celebrities would and do kill for.

In the world of nature, we suggest that you look out for Rising Star, Freichting van Schneitz, a South African animal combate, the first man ever to train a zebra to kill a lion.

Quite whether all zebras can be tooled up with AK-47s remains to be seen, but he's shown that at least one zebra can be.

It's a huge psychological win for the Stripey Horse Alikes, thanks to Van Snitz and his team from Witz Okfontein University, who of course included Dr.

Skalkina van derap and Virus Hoagstink.

In sports, look out for Dandeli Prink.

Big step up to the major leagues for Prink.

Terrific young baseballer, best known so far for his heroic effort to rescue a giant mole from the middle of the stadium in a minor league baseball game, turned out to be the pitcher's mound, and the game had to be abandoned after Prink had dug through the mound, shouting, hold on, I'm coming for you.

But it was a brave and selfless effort from the Albuquerque Philanderers lead-off hitter out there in the Robin Thick Memorial Stadium in the crucial eighth innings against the Jersey City Gentiles this year, of course.

All sets Prink after his big move to be a key man to the new MLB franchise, the Wisconsin Winges.

And in the arts, do look out for Damoon Scowdriver, the refunked jazzclist eclectic guitar starlet, one of the leading post-music anti-musicians on the circuit right now, whose misanthropic 21st century takes on classic Christmas carols topped the charts in all four hemispheres last month, including once in Royal David City stood a bunch of obvious.

I saw three ships come sailing in, and they're all packed to the gunnels with arseholes and deck the halls with piles of shit.

Those are your four to look out for in 2014.

Wow, Andy, you have laid down a marker for 2014.

And you've stuck your family flag into a mound of bullshit there.

Well, John, you know, a new year often brings with it, it brings hope, but it also brings uncertainty.

And sometimes people need to be reminded that no matter what difficulties there are in the world, some things you can always rely on.

Top story this week: Should old acquaintance be forgot?

Has ever pouched a fine

good old acquaintance

for the sake of old man's wine.

Bugle 2014 launch special!

So, Andy, we are two days deep into 2014, so how's it been so far?

Well, perhaps we should look at the global aftermath of New Year's Eve celebrations first, because nothing says hope for a new year more than low-paid workers sweeping a combination of confetti, vomit and tears off streets around the world.

In France, the government there claimed their first victory of 2014 saying that, and I quote, only 1,067 vehicles were set ablaze on New Year's Eve around the country, to which the rest of the world said, hold on, what do you mean only?

How many cars is a regular number to be ignited on New Year's Eve?

Is this some kind of French tradition?

Do you pile up cars into a combustible bonfire and then probably use the heat to do some high-end baking?

What could be more French than one man in a beret standing next to a burning car before reaching inside and pulling out a perfectly baked baguette?

Well,

apparently and incredibly, this is actually a kind of French tradition, a long-standing one dating all the way back to the ancient 1990s and has become, and I quote, a modern New Year tradition for some young revelers.

All traditions are strange, Andy, and...

To be fair, is this one really any weirder?

Some people like to cross hands with one another and sing a song that no one really knows the the words to.

Some people like to gather in a freezing square that isn't a square and watch an illuminated bull descend a building before kissing a stranger.

And some people like to set fire to parked cars.

Who's to say which of those technically makes more sense?

Well, yeah, I'm not in a position to criticise anyone for strange traditions.

I had the end of my penis chopped off when I was eight days old, so I really do not have a leg to stand in.

But this was the Interior Minister of France, Manuel Valls, claimed that this was this figure of 1,067 cars was a significant reduction of more than 10% compared to the number of cars set on fire at last New Year's Eve.

And this leads you to worry, John.

Is France losing its edge as a nation?

Because there are some other alarming statistics that have been released by the French government.

Apparently, married people in France had an average of just 3.8 affairs last year.

For the first time since before the bicycle was invented, fewer than 50% 50% of French cyclists had strings of garlic around their necks.

And French children were allowed to drink blackcurrant cordial rather than red wine with their school lunches.

So it does suggest a nation that is really losing its traditional identity.

Apparently, this setting fire to a car tradition, this proud French tradition, started in Strasbourg.

And last year, according to official figures, as you mentioned, 1,193 vehicles were burned, which explains the classic French expression, don't park your fing car in Strasbourg.

that was an Edith Piaf song I think wasn't it I think it was it loses something in actually doesn't lose anything in translation it gains a massive amount in translation

as you say the French the French Interior Minister very pleased about this 10% drop although he said that he regretted the New Year deaths of three people in knife attacks in Paris and in eastern and southern France he regretted that Andy

Why did it did he stab them?

Because

regret seems a slightly strange word to use there, Andy.

You know, it's a tragedy.

Unless this is another inexplicable French New Year tradition where the Interior Minister flies around the country stabbing people.

Although, again, would that really be any weirder than any of their other ones?

So as you say, John,

down to 1,067 from 1,193 last year, if it keeps going down by that number every year, then in nine New Year's time, they aren't even going to burn a single car to pieces in France.

And then

what would France be, John?

It would be Belgium, but without the waffles, which makes it to all intents and purposes, Switzerland, without the gold, which makes it New Zealand, without the scenery for rugby, which makes it Norfolk without the real ale, which makes it North Dakota.

That is how far France has sunk.

In Dubai, Andy, they stuck to the kind of celebration that you would expect of them, which is to say that they did something in equal parts spectacular and stupid.

Because Dubai put on the world's largest ever fireworks show on New Year's Eve, and of course they did.

Andy, the only shocking thing about that would be if they were breaking anything other than their own record.

Apparently, they rang in the new year with 500,000 fireworks, presumably, as is Dubai tradition, set off by poorly paid micro workers, any of whose accidental deaths would be completely ignored.

Again, tradition is key in these situations.

That That would be a little step up from the old tradition of unpaid works.

At least they're corny trades.

Baby steps.

And if you're thinking, well, how different can a fireworks display from another fireworks display possibly be?

Isn't it all just a bit of banging and flashing?

Then get a load of this little detail.

Apparently, Dubai's coastline was lit up with a flying falcon made out of fireworks, which moved across a massive man-made palm-shaped island alongside a countdown clock also made of fireworks.

Hold on.

Wasn't that technically one of of the signs of the apocalypse, Andy?

I can't work out if it's a good sign or a bad sign.

If the design for a fireworks display looks like it came straight out of the book of Revelations.

And lo, a fiery falcon did hover above the folly of mankind.

And lo, did brightly coloured spinning flames shoot from its talons.

All while a flaming clock counted down to humanity's doom.

And to be to be fair though, Andy, that does sound like a f ⁇ ing amazing fireworks display.

If the earth is going to go out one day, I think I would rather that we went out like that.

It would be very hard to tell in Dubai whether or not Armageddon had actually happened, I think.

But interestingly, if you don't actually look at the fireworks, but just listen to the audio recording of the bangs, it says this city is an empty husk, a parody of civilization, avoid of humanity, a fiction built on sand, sand that is made of shit.

And that is unusually self-aware by the Emirate, which might be the only thing in the world that is more full of bullshit than this esteemed podcast.

The description of the files display continues.

A burst of light then imitated a sunrise and spectators were dazzled with the United Arab Emirates flag made from pyrotechnics.

The highest firework reached more than one kilometer into the sky.

And remember, all of this is happening against the skyline, including some of the stupidest buildings ever built.

These architectural caligulas know how to put on a party, Andy.

Officials at the Guinness World Records measured the scale of the event and the adjudicator said that the display covered 30 miles of seafront saying it

is really mind-blowing the size of this.

This is a guy whose entire job is watching people do stupid things and even he could not comprehend what he was forced to witness.

He then went on to reveal that the other world records that this display had set, despite being the biggest, it is also the most mind-blowing fireworks display of all time, the most moral-blowing fireworks display of all time.

Dubai is now the city most likely to blow itself up in a ridiculous fireworks display.

And it's also set the record for city least likely to learn the lessons of history.

So

they've racked up quite a few records there, Andy.

Yeah, a lot of records.

And you do ask, you know, were there not

better things that could have been done with this talent and technology that designed and paid for this.

But I guess the questions you should never ask in Dubai, John, I think there's four questions that you should never ask in Dubai.

And those questions are why, how, who, and above all, what do you get if you cross the jailing of people for kissing in public with the presence of more than 30,000 prostitutes?

Those are the four questions you should never, ever ask.

Well perhaps though, Andy.

Perhaps this display was actually an attempt to stage an intervention on themselves.

Perhaps they were hoping that they'd get to the end of that fireworks display, you know, the fiery falcon would fly away, the smoke would clear and the entire population of Dubai would go holy shit look around you this city is completely stupid oh god we're in the middle of a desert what is that building so high and why is there a tennis court on the roof

New Year messages news now and well there was a lot a host of New Year messages from around the world that came in.

The Queen delivered her Christmas message just before the New Year in which she prattled on about neighbourliness, which is ironic as she's never had any, and referred to the royal baby being born last year as giving new hope to Britain, thus putting even more expectations on that poor infant's head.

Look, I give you a queen promise.

This baby is going to sort everything out.

Just be patient and give him five years or something.

And if he hasn't sorted everything out by then, then we'll just get cake to squeeze out a better one.

But I'm telling you, magic babies, that's the way forward

that's that's strong I think your queen impression's getting better year on year John

it's as I it's as I'm getting closer to her age Andy I can start to

I guess I'm not really getting closer at all I'm getting the same distance apart

until she dies which I'm not wishing on which will never happen will never happen

let's be honest yeah she's immortal

Kim Jong-un

as you might expect, has been banging on about stuff over the new year, including one in which he expressed a complete lack of repentance about murdering his own uncle.

And

I have no qualms with this, John.

I think, you know, if you are going to murder your uncle, the last thing you want is to regret it afterwards.

To me, that is far worse.

I know whenever I'm plotting to have one of my family killed, I always stop, I take a bit of time and I think, will I regret this afterwards?

And usually I call off the hit.

Now, now who's to say that Kim Jong-un did not go through just this self-vetting process I think it's uh it's a real mark of the man it was perhaps the ballsiest new year speech of all Kim Jong-un you know taking the chance to address his beloved nation at this joyful hopeful time of year to express absolutely no regret in bumping off a family member you know the queen never did that with Diana did she anyway

The point is, I'm going to try and talk over that as if that

makes it okay.

Well, I mean, you don't come back here very often anyway, so not coming back here ever again isn't going to make that much difference, John.

In Kim Jong-un's special...

You've got Skype now for your family to keep in touch.

So it's fine.

In Kim Jong-un's special New Year message broadcast on state TV, unsurprisingly, he said that his action to eliminate factionalist filth within the party had bolstered the country's unity by 100 times, saying our party's timely, accurate decision to purge purge the anti-party anti-revolutionary elements helped greatly cement solidarity within our party and there's something about just the wording of that last part that sounds a little strange to me andy the party's timely accurate decision that's like the kind of thing that you force other people to say not that you actually say yourself.

Could it be Andy that after he had his uncle executed Kim Jong-un is now technically frightened of himself?

Was he delivering that speech with a gun to his own head?

His New Year speech was 26 minutes long and talked about the importance of military strength, the need for unity, and how weird it was that French people burned cars on New Year's Eve.

So, you know, sounds like my club set, John.

It had a little bit of everything.

Kim, little Kimmy, actually spent New Year skiing.

at North Korea's first ski resorts, a brand new, massive ski resort with, I think, 70 kilometers worth of of ski slopes which I'm sure all North Koreans would agree is exactly what their nation needed.

Yes.

Because you know some of them might be thinking I wouldn't mind maybe some food or a little bit of freedom or the ability to live without anything.

I would advise them not to think that very loudly, Andy.

Yes, that would be good.

You know, maybe just live every day without the worry of being shot dead for thinking the wrong thing.

But what is the point, John, of any of those things if you cannot enjoy them whilst flying down a hill at 50 miles an hour or whilst sipping a cleansing grapper in the cool mountain air, John now I live in Britain I get to vote I get to watch TV shows that don't involve 10,000 soldiers and a great missile going for a walk you know I can do basically what I want but on the flip side I haven't been skiing since I was 10.

So who's the loser here, John?

Me or the North Koreans?

Clearly me.

The Pope delivered his New Year speech from his office window at the Vatican, starting off by warming up the crowd with some typical poping, saying, we are children of one heavenly father, we belong to the same human family, and we share a common common destiny yada yada yada but he then apparently went off script which with this pope could mean anything and he was he about to endorse gay marriage was he about to convert to Judaism was he about to reveal that he has a tattoo of a choir boy and a Ferrari on his stomach no none of those instead he launched a vicious attack against violence saying what is happening in the heart of man what is happening in the heart of humanity it is time to stop he told the crowd this reflection was inspired by a letter he received from a man saying maybe it was one of you to the crowd who lamented that there were so many tragedies and wars in the world.

Francis went on to say, I too believe that it will be good for us to stop ourselves in this path of violence and search for peace.

I mean,

look,

that's nice, Andy.

That's a nice sentiment.

But come on, this guy's supposed to be a Maverick Pope.

That's just some more war is bad, peace is good poping.

You could get that from any pope over the last 300 years.

I want this Pope, Andy, this Maverick Pope, this future Pope for the present generation.

I want him to call for an end to violence in Syria and then say, if you don't put an end to this violence, I will.

And then rip off his robe to reveal that he's armed to the teeth, at which point the Vatican helicopter swoops down, the Pope grabs onto the ladder hanging off it, and flies over the crowd towards Damascus, screaming, seriously, Assad, this shit ends now.

Anything short of that seems like it's just more of the same, Andy.

This Pope is supposed to be different.

That's the kind of stuff you'd have got from the Borges back in the day.

But I think that's what Leonardo, that's why he designed the helicopters.

I think there was a kind of Pope gun turret at the bottom of that.

Yeah.

I think actually his message, his anti-violence message, you went, oh, 2014, of course, John, you don't need me to tell you it was a World Cup year.

Argentina.

You don't need to tell me that.

Argentina's got big hopes.

The Pope must be a football fan.

I think it was a coded message to Argentina to keep their discipline.

Not get anyone sent off.

You think of Maradona in 82, Ratin in 66.

You know, he's telling his team to keep a lid on it, John.

That's what that message is all about.

Preview 2014, coming attractions news now.

Look, never mind what's happened.

in the first few days of 2014 Andy, what is coming up in the next 360 odd days of fun?

There's going to be so much to look forward to and also to desperately avoid over the next 12 months.

And the bugle will be covering all or at least some of these events.

In February, of course, it is the Winter Olympics, Andy, which is great news for fans of ice dancing, ice luging, snowfalling, cowbells, or just visible breath.

It's going to be huge for all of those.

Indeed, and it's...

There's already been, as you'd expect from a Russian Olympics, some spectacular action in the build-up.

We had this email a couple of weeks ago from Mark Warren Warren in Barcelona, who

wrote this: Very rarely does a New York Times article leave me crying from laughter.

Well, Mark, you must be reading them all in the wrong tone of voice.

Try a lilting Swiss tone with occasional hints of Tina Turner.

I think you'll find everything in the New York Times unbelievably funny.

I think that's how they write it to be read.

But anyway,

he points us towards this story about the Olympic torch relay in Russia.

And there's some extraordinary details of what has happened with the torch relay, including that three of the torchbearers have been set on fire.

Well, that's, I mean, it has happened a lot in previous Olympics, particularly the Rouen Olympics in 1431, when the local French girl, Joan of Arc, who was supposed to be lighting the corner in the stadium, something went disastrously wrong, and she got rather toasted outside.

Must have been also a lot of Olympics in Britain in the 16th century and some very poor safety regulations and some worryingly flammable Christians.

One of the torch bearers had a fatal heart attack.

The article points out this was after the photo opportunities, luckily.

Of course, that could have really ruined everyone's day there.

If they'd just had, you know, their special day, John.

Carrying the Olympic torch with a dead man lying on the ground in front of them.

That could have really, really spoilt it.

The torch's route has taken it to the North Pole, under Lake Baikal, the deepest lake in the world, and into space.

Into space.

I mean,

this is the modern way, John.

You don't have to make something that's gone 40,000 miles.

It's the longest route in Olympic history.

This is the modern way.

Don't make it the best.

Just make it the biggest and the finging stupidest.

Yeah, but that is where these Russian games have the leg up on all games that have come before.

Russia's spent more on these Winter Olympics than has been spent on all previous Winter Olympics combined.

And they promise to be morally, ethically, and financially dubious, i.e.

a true true following of the modern Olympic spirit.

Putin is promising that they will have the most spectacular Winter Olympics in history.

But like you say, that's already true, and they haven't even started yet.

The journey of the Olympic flame alone already makes this the most dramatic and single funniest Olympics of all time.

It is absolutely spectacular.

Like you say, three torch bearers have been set on fire.

One of which was reported in a story titled Veteran Bob Sledder Set Alight by Faulty Olympic Torch, which is a a simply sensational headline, Andy.

The flame at one point was relit with a disposable lighter.

Look, what more do you need?

This torch is a walk-in flaming soap opera.

There are apparently

16,000 of these torches manufactured at a cost of $6.4 million

by a company that usually makes submarine-launched ballistic missiles in Russia.

That's not even counting the three people who were set alight, basically who became human Olympic torches.

So I guess that's now technically 16,003 official Olympic torches.

The Russians have been desperately trying to dampen this story down, but I don't know why, Andy, because it's clearly fantastic.

Roman Osin, the Sochi 2014 torch relay spokesman, claims that it's only gone out three times so far, has only gone out three times, and has only once been relit by a Zippo lighter.

A report quoted him after it had gone out after a gust of wind in the Kremlin, saying, the torch bearer who was running was absolutely terrified and didn't know what to do and he asked the guard to help him and the guard helped with the only device he had it is unclear what has happened to the guard

I think it's pretty clear Andy I think it's pretty obvious I certainly wouldn't expect that the guard's family should be expecting to hear from the guard or indeed themselves any time soon

Well

in many ways you know this is seems appropriate as you say the flame was relit with a disposable lighter that you know, all the Olympics goes back to ancient Greek times.

And this is very much symbolic of the gift of fire by Prometheus to humankind.

And very parallel to that, in that the guy with the lighter was probably chained to a rock and tortured for doing what he did.

16,000 torches, as you say, manufactured by a company that makes ballistic missiles.

This is trickle-down technology for me, John.

This is what makes all these wars worthwhile.

You say what you like about the 20th century, but it did not shirk its responsibilities towards technological progress.

If they'd sorted their arguments out like adults, we'd all still be wearing pinafores, dying of sneezes, playing waggle that stick for entertainment and fainting at the sight of collarbones.

We have a lot to thank these weapons manufacturers for.

There's a lot of other spectacles to look forward to.

In June and July, as you mentioned, it's the World Cup, which has been beset by problems in the run-up as the Brazilian people struggle to comprehend how much money they're spending on it.

But you know what?

At the end, it's going to be great because it's Brazil and it's the World Cup, Andy.

Those two things go together perfectly.

Also in June there may be the biggest spectacle yet.

The world may have a new tallest stupidest building as the Sky City Tower is due to be completed in Hang Shahuan, China.

The company building it are claiming that they're going to be able to do it in just 90 days, which look, that sounds like a great idea, Andy.

When you're building the largest freestanding structure on Earth with the intention of having people inside it all the time, what you want to do is build it as quickly as possible for some kind of self-imposed bet.

That is key.

Well, I guess if you can be sure of one thing with modern China, it's that if it sees another country doing something stupid, it will copy it but make it even more stupid.

This is a nation that has whole towns which are copies of Venice.

They have a copy of Stonehenge, full-scale replica of Des Moines and Nantwich.

That might not be, I mean, that's a matter of time if it hasn't actually happened.

And also,

this is another thing to look forward to this year involving China, John.

A possible war between China and Japan that could spell the end of the planet as we know it.

And this is all due to a dispute about a group of uninhabited islands called either the Senkakus or DOU or some uninhabited islands, depending on whether or not you give a shit.

And if you do, what nationality that shit is.

It's...

I mean, this is, you know, I guess in Britain, we can't really throw stones here.

We all love islands.

I mean, we in Britain got pretty stroppy when Germany tried to take our island off us, so we're not really in a position to criticise.

But, you know, there are 1.3 billion people in China and 130 million in Japan.

Between them, that's more than one-fifth of the world's population.

And they're managing to foster a major diplomatic, possibly military incident about some rocks that have absolutely none of those 1.4 plus billion people on.

That is truly impressive, John.

Truly impressive.

There also might be a great anniversary to look forward to this year.

The 28th of July, 2014 is the 100-year anniversary of the start of World War 1.

And what a war that was Andy.

Even a century later it really stands up in terms of sheer horror and body count.

I'm sure there'll be a big cake to mark the date with over 16 million candles and the beauty of that anniversary is that you also have the 100 year anniversary of the Treaty of Versailles to look forward to Andy setting you up nicely for the 100th anniversary of the start of World War 2.

That's how I was taught those events sequentially followed.

And then finally, at the end of this year, on December the 31st, there will be the official withdrawal of the US and the UK from Afghanistan.

The details of the official ceremony are unclear, but I'm hearing that we're going to be backing away slowly while whistling and hoping that no one notices.

So, so much to look forward to all year, Andy.

All year long.

And you've got the US midterm elections.

That's nothing to look forward to, Andy.

That is going to be a cynical circus of political posturing.

That is going to be a demoralizing event.

Well, I think all it needs, John, is one sane independent candidate to stand, and the whole edifice could come squabbling down on itself like a house of juvenile cards.

That's all it needs.

This, of course, 2014,

very important year.

It's the official UN International Year of Crystallography, Family Farming, and Small Island Developing States.

Now, family farming I'm extremely skeptical about, John.

I think the very last thing the UN should be encouraging is the industrialised growing of genetically modified children for profit.

We need the land for real crops, John.

And can the world cope with a sudden influx of agriculturally reared aunts, uncles, grannies, nephews and shit like that?

What about the value, the resale value of organic real relatives?

It's the year of small islands.

It's stuck in the past, Andrew.

That's just not how it works anymore.

The year of small island developing states.

Now, I think Britain is now officially a small island developing state again.

We're definitely a small island and we've had a couple of quarters of microscopic economic growth.

We're developing, John.

This is our moment.

And the major objectives of the International Year of Crystallography include increasing public awareness of crystallography.

And I could not be more in favor of that if I tried.

I mean, I don't entirely know what crystallography is.

Well, that's what it's there for, Andy.

By the end of this year, you are going to have a degree-level amount of knowledge in crystallography, whatever that is.

I think it's writing about posh champagne, but I'm not sure.

Not sure entirely.

A mayor in Texas has gone a different way, Andy.

He officially decided to label 2014 the year of the Bible, which seems to imply that every year in Texas is somehow not the year of the Bible.

And if you've been to Texas at all, that's a little hard to swallow.

It'll be difficult to make Texas any Biblier without starting to seem like you might be joking.

But anyway, Mayor Tom Hayden of Flower Mound, Texas, made the official declaration of Year of the Bible in a council meeting saying the morality that helps build our country is based on the values that are found in the Bible, which may or may not be true, Andy, but the literal foundations of America were based in keeping politics and religion very much apart.

And this would appear to be a pretty interesting interpretation of the separation of church and state.

Perhaps Mayor Hayden just thinks that church and state were separated just because absence makes the heart grow fonder, and now it's time for them to get back together.

And if none of those years take your fancy, don't worry, next year is the International Year of Soils.

So that's

going to be awesome.

There's going to be a hell of a lot of mud wrestling outside the UN next year.

2015 is going to be huge.

Your emails now, and we have an email here from Jeff who says hello Andy John and Chris in order of buglers who have had a boat named after them in my son's social studies class.

That's right.

Strong start.

Yeah, my 10 year old son not only listens to the bugle but he tells stories from it to his classmates and his teacher.

Uh-oh.

Now that that might be a significant your son might be changing schools much sooner than you were planning.

He's uh knowing so much of history is complete bullshit, his teacher allowed him to name the boats that they are using on their imaginary travels while learning about other countries and cultures.

You go on imaginary travels throughout history, Andy, it's just you claim them as facts.

They apparently close their eyes and visualise being on board.

Imagine Andy's face at the prow.

Sorry,

it'd be like Titanic.

You could be strapped to the front of that boat, Andy.

Just imagine the parents who know nothing of the bugle innocently asking their children what they learned in school today.

Shyly at first, they begin to describe visiting banana republics and countries being exploited for their natural resources, all the while transported via the reliable, pun-laden, hotty-filled holds of the SS Andy Zaltzmann.

I just hope they visit Italy to learn about Silvio Berlusconi.

Yours in bullshittery, Jeff.

Wow.

Well, that is a career high point for me, having a fictional ship named after me.

That's

although the SS Andy Zaltzmann was a Nazi officer that never existed.

This one comes in from Jack in Nashville, who writes, Dear Caudillo Chris, Generalissimo John, and Zalto the Pitiless, ruler of all things.

Joseph Stalin is probably best known for sporting one of the finest examples of lipwear that has yet been achieved, as well as some other business involving Russia.

That's some delightfully understated history.

As mentioned on the bugle, he also had a predilection for targeting poets.

I submit for your approval these lines.

The pinkish bud has opened, rushing to the pale blue violet, and stirred by a light

That is a stanza from Morning, a poem written in 1895 by 17-year-old Russian poet Joseb Bessarionas Jugashvili, better known in the West as Joseph motherfucking Stalin.

Oh no!

Oh no!

If you had Hitler with his paintings, Stalin with his poetry,

man,

it could have been so easily avoided.

Feel free to interpret interpret the poem to find any clues as to his future intentions.

I cannot do so as I'm studying worthwhile pursuits at college and have no interest in poetry, as I plan on being able to eat once I graduate

from Jack in Nashville.

So,

maybe the whole fault of Stalin land on his teachers.

What was the mark at the bottom of that poem?

This poem is bad.

You have no future doing this.

Try killing a historic amount of people instead.

Yeah, it went into management rather than the creative side of things, and I think the world will always regret that.

So, thanks for those two.

Keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com.

At thebuglepodcast.com, you can get your bugle merch.

I hope you're all enjoying your bugle socks.

And take out your voluntary subscription to keep the bugle free and independent through 2014.

Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, soundcloud.com/slash the hyphen bugle.

And we will be back next week with a bugle that we've all been waiting for for an extremely long time, John.

Bugle 256, which means that for the first time in 128 bugles, we have exactly the right number of bugles to do a straight knockout to find the best ever bugle.

This will not happen again until Bugle 512.

It's going to be a great, great day.

It's like two Wimbledons, but more so.

And we might also next week have to touch on England being absolutely, mercilessly, continually obliterated at cricket.

But

it's too soon to talk about stuff like that.

Too serious.

Until then, Buglers, goodbye.

Bye!

Hi, Buglers.

It's it's producer Chris here.

I just wanted to very quickly tell you about my new podcast Mildly Informed which is in podcast feeds and YouTube right now.

Quite simply, it's a show where me and my friend Richie review literally anything.

So please come join us wherever you get your podcasts right now.